Here Is An Article About Ray Rice That Was Written By A Post-Human

Attention journalists: If you are currently debating whether you should write something about the Ray Rice situation, just go for it. There's no way anything you write will be more ill-conceived than this.

Here we find Josh Thomson of writing about what kind of effect Rice allegedly punching his fiancée unconscious before dragging her out of a casino elevator will have on the Ravens running back's brand, basically in the same way one might write about how negative iPhone reviews might impact Apple's quarterly earnings. It's as if someone put Darren Rovell on the crime beat. Here's how it starts:

Although details surrounding his arrest remain cloudy, Ray Rice's reputation for giving back to the community should help him maintain his image as a role model.

Marty Appel, a former Rockland and Westchester resident and one-time Yankees public-relations director under George Steinbrenner, believes Rice can rebuild his reputation, largely due to his positive history.

"I think Ray has a lot of goodwill in the bank," said Appel, who started Marty Appel Public Relations in 1998. "He generally seems to have a good reputation, so I think this is something people can easily put behind them."

Just three paragraphs in, and we've already left any sense of basic humanity in the dust and turned the floor over to half-assed public relations musings styled like those of a cable news strategist talking about how Senator Blort's recently revealed habit of stealing from nuns to fund bouts of public goatfucking will play with the American people. Impressive! This is how the article ends:


"I don't think the public has a great attention span, unless there's a felony incident that involves a court proceeding," Appel said.

This article is bad and weird.