Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
I remember, clear as day, the last time I fucked up my spine. I was on vacation with my family (which really isn't a vacation when you have small kids). I bent down to tie my kid's shoe, felt something click in my lower back, and that was that. I felt a pain shoot down my leg and I knew that I was fucked. I walked my kid out to the beach and had to lie down on the sand, writhing in pain. When we got back to the house, I went to the bedroom to ice my back. And when I did, I felt the strangest thing happen. It felt as if I had plugged the right half of my body into an electrical socket. I could feel that half of me quivering, like some pulse was running through it. I had no control over it. I couldn't stop it. And now I was scared shitless because we were far from home. My mom came into the room and I asked her to hold my hand because I didn't know what the fuck was happening.