Bill Simmons’s three-week suspension from ESPN ends on Wednesday, and there is already a lot of conjecture about how the suspension has affected his relationship with higher-ups at ESPN, and if he will stay with the network when his contract is up next year. He could stay at ESPN. He could go to Bleacher Report (NOTE: AHAHAHAHAHA) and, in the process, join Turner’s NBA team. He could start up his own thing with Kimmel and Carolla and J-Bug and HouseO and Big Suppy J and all his other cool Vegas buddybros. But there are other options out there for you, Bill … like here! COME WORK AT DEADSPIN, YOU SQUEAKY HIGH-PITCHED MOTHERFUCKER.

This is not a joking offer. It’s been approved by Craggs and Marchman, and we can probably get Denton to sign on if we trick him into thinking Bill Simmons is some kind of up-and-coming New Zealand media baron, which would be very easy because I don’t think Denton even knows that he owns this site. What we can offer you that other places cannot? I’ll tell you …

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  • The freedom to say horrible things about ANYONE in sports! Commissioners, broadcasters, athletes, the city of St. Louis—it’s crazy addictive, and fun! You don’t get suspended for that here. In fact, you get suspended if you DON’T do this.
  • No one editing out that perfect (in your mind) joke you made about that one actor having a shitty throwing motion!
  • Cocaine!
  • New office in Manhattan’s much sought-after Flatiron district! (NOTE: Area not all that sought-after)
  • Random pop-ins from A.J. Daulerio!
  • Your own vertical! Sure! You may already HAVE a vertical with ESPN. But why not have TWO verticals? Why not have ALL the verticals? Kyle Wagner has a vertical over here, and he doesn’t even write anything for it. You are nothing these days if you don’t have verticals. Hatethisday.deadspin.com is ready for you. We might even do nba.deadspin.com.
  • Stock options!
  • Pageview bonuses! (NOTE: Bonus contingent upon you hitting monthly traffic figures, making the NEXT traffic goal you have to reach truly impossible. You want your traffic to be good ... but not TOO good.)
  • Health insurance! No one at ESPN is actually a salaried employee. I bet even Berman has a no-show job at an Eddie DeBartolo riverboat casino just so he can get a dental plan.
  • Admittance into the “Stevie Wonder can see” truthering club!
  • Putting many of us snarky dicks out of a job (including me)!
  • Company bingo night!

  • Sometimes there’s a puppy in the office!
  • A system of checks and balances in place to ensure one of the pieces on your vertical doesn’t result in a suicide!
  • Any time you get invited to give a speech at the University of Chicago, you can have Marchman give you a guided tour of the local food trucks while you make fun of his terrible opinions!
  • Penises!
  • KINJA! It makes you a better writer by erasing your posts suddenly and forcing you to start from scratch!
  • Unanswered questions about why half the company is located in Budapest!
  • Tommy Craggs yelling at everyone, constantly!
  • The best commenters in the world, who know the exact bestest time to crack a joke about that volcano eruption that killed everyone (five seconds after the initial blast is the best time)!
  • Looking at Tom Scocca for the first time and trying to figure out if he’s a ghost!
  • A second Good Broadcastering Award!
  • Gchatting with your fellow editors and making smug observations about how stupid everyone else is but you. I know you do this already, but we do it A LOT MORE.

Try finding all that anywhere else. Turner won’t give you that. ESPN won’t give you that. The fucking Cauldron’s not giving you that. Vice would make you stick a Three Olives vodka promo inside every post. Only here, at Gawker Media, will you get both the editorial freedom and the bags of mystery pills needed to truly flourish as a writererererererer. So come to the dark side, Bill. JOIN US. JOIN US IN THE FIGHT AGAINST OTHER PEOPLE BEING HAPPY. Together, we’ll destroy the universe.

Also, there’s a Christmas party. No lie. We get food and booze and everything!