How Having Kids Ruins You For Gratuitous Violence

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering gay royalty, Russian roulette, football-induced cancer, and more. Image by Sam Woolley.

Time for your letters.

Bruce:

I have a friend that had his first child earlier this year. My wife and I don’t have any kids (we don’t plan on having kids anytime soon even though we’re not set against it). I’ve noticed that my friend has been starting to complain about violence and sex in movies by saying things like, “maybe it’s because I’m a Dad now but that scene went over the line” or “you would understand if you had a baby girl too”. My question is, do all guys turn into whiny pussies once they become fathers or am I being an insensitive jerk?

Nope, you're correct. Having a kid makes you a thousand times more sensitive to all the sex and violence on television. It's HORRIBLE. I just want to enjoy this episode of The Bridge where a grown man gets his head chopped clean off, but I can't because having kids has attuned me to the preciousness of existence. STUPID FUCKING KIDS.

Once you become a parent, you can't NOT see how much violence is on television. The average CSI episode has as much violent content as a Saw installment. And they treat the violence like it's nothing. Someone on the show will just be like, Yep, looks like we got a couple of severed fingers at the crime scene. No one on the show is ever like OH GOD THIS IS SO FUCKED UP I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE. It's really strange, and it's only getting more explicit (God forbid you show a tit though).

I used to be able to watch all this shit without batting an eyelash: the violence, the sex, the language, all of it. But now, even if the kids aren't around, I'll be watching some show and thinking, Why, that was rather risque! And then I want to kill myself because I sound like Mitch Albom. Whatever happened to good old fashioned modesty?! Never have kids if you want to fully enjoy your pop culture.

Nick:

If you HAD to go to prison - for let's say more than year - would you choose the top or bottom bunk? (Assuming you had a choice).

The top bunk leaves you awfully vulnerable. I mean, who knows what the hell is going on down there? Your cellmate could be jerking off, or whittling a shiv to stab you through your mattress, or making pruno without your help! All of that is bad. It's not like when you're a kid and you want the top bunk because WHEEEEE I'M UP IN THE AIR KIDS RULE! I would stare at the prison ceiling all night terrified of what was going on beneath me.

Not that the bottom bunk is much better. After all, your top bunkmate could be whittling a shiv of his own. Plus, what if his bunk collapses and falls down on you? Every time I've slept on the bottom bunk, I've had a clear vision of the top bunk giving way, splintering the wooden support beams and sending them directly through my abdomen. Plus, if someone breaks into the cell looking to brutalize someone, he's gonna hit the bottom bunk first. There's no sense in climbing up to the top to brutalize someone when you've got a fresh body laying directly below it.

But I still take the bottom bunk. That way, I have the entire underside of the bed to work with. I can store my tunneling spoon AND my heroin under there. That's useful!

Rob:

If I told you I have a safe that I keep my valuables in, and gave you $100 to spend on any tools you wanted (no rentals), could you break into it? What would be your strategy?

My strategy would be to call a locksmith and pay him $100 to "fix my safe." But if I have to go it alone, just give me a stethoscope and a drill. That's how they do it in the movies. The NERDY NERD safecracking expert always uses a stethoscope to listen to the safe's locking mechanism, and then he uses a drill to, I dunno, break that mechanism real good. How could it possibly fail?

In all seriousness, I probably wouldn't be able to crack that safe with $10,000 to spend on equipment. I'm the sort of person who puts his shit in the hotel room safe, enters the four-digit code, locks the safe, and then spends the rest of his vacation day freaking out that he'll forget the safe code. I can't even imagine how embarrassing it would be to ask a concierge to break into your own damn hotel room safe.

Greg:

I was eating a hamburger for lunch today and on my second to last bite I forgot to get a finger out of the way. GAH!

It doesn’t look horrible, but it definitely didn’t feel good. I don’t think you realize how strong your bite is until you bite yourself. I’m 25. How is it that I still accidently do this or bite my tongue, cheek, etc. when eating? Do you ever get past this stage?

I've bitten my cheek and my tongue with violent force, which never fails to make want to murder everyone in sight. But I've never drawn blood from my own hand (accidentally, at least—when I was a kid, I used to bite down on my hand real hard until I either left purple marks or drew blood. I was bored a lot). So I salute you for your zealous appetite. That is one brutal hamburger-related injury. You're like a velociraptor.

By the way, extremities aside, one of the worst things to bite down hard on is a fork. Ever take a huge bite but fail to get the fork out in time? It's devastating.

James:

Would you rather have sex with your mom once or wear a roller blade on one foot for the rest of your life. (No balancing it out and putting a roller blade on the other foot).

I think I'd try the roller blade option for a few days, then get frustrated, give up, and go for the incest. Sometimes, you have to do what's practical.

Jay:

If you have a repairman come to your home what is the proper etiquette to follow while they are there? In the last two months I have had two different guys in my house to fix my television and stretch my carpet. Both of these tasks were completed in the finished basement of my house and both times I just sort of hung out downstairs with each guy, observed and carried out mindless chit-chat. In hindsight, what would have been the right move? I am a little torn. I don't want to come off as an unlikable prick if I don't say shit, leave them alone, and let them do their jobs; nor do I want engage them socially and be a distraction when they would rather be left the fuck alone.

If you stand there and watch them, there's the implicit suggestion that you have to watch them at all times so that they don't steal any of your shit, which makes you a racist if you're white and they are not white. Also, standing there and talking to them is boring. But if you DON'T watch them, they might steal all your shit. So it's a real dilemma.

The best thing to do is to take a combination approach. Take him to the point of repair, explain the problem and make it sound like you know what you're talking about ("Definitely some sort of problem with the carbo-rotor, I think. But obviously, we can workshop solutions together."), tell him you're gonna leave him alone, and then come back at random intervals to make sure he isn't masturbating on the furnace or stealing all your gold. I like to offer him a glass of water. It makes me feel like I'm one of the good clients. "That Magary dude offered me water! WHAT A GOOD GUY."

By the way, I always want to ask the repair guy to take off his shoes, but I only have the balls to do it about 10 percent of the time. Your shoes look REAL muddy. Is there any chance, possibly, that you could take them off so that my wife doesn't yell at me? YES I KNOW I AM LESS THAN A MAN.

Jer:

Would you rather have the power to make anyone fart at any time or control the volume of your farts (anywhere from silent to the sound of a jet taking off)?

Does the person have to be nearby for you to make them fart? Or can you do it through your television set? Because if you can make Chris Berman audibly fart during a national broadcast—loud enough for his mic to pick up—you're taking that superpower. You'd use it on the president, Oscar winners, local newscasters, Christiane Amanpour, EVERYONE. I would use the power so many times that, eventually, someone would catch onto the fact that some kind of deranged FARTMASTER is on the loose, forcing flatulence upon an unsuspecting public. This would result in a farting witch hunt, with reporters eager to figure out who's pulling the strings on this massive FARTSPIRACY. Is it China? Is it Russia? We could end up going to war all because of the farts you caused. Tell me that wouldn't be thrilling.

Pete:

What would happen if we had a massive poultry die off and could no longer get eggs? Would we use turtle or lizard eggs in our cakes? Or would we switch to some nameless chemical formulation? Would we skip omelets altogether? Why are chicken eggs seen as so much more appetizing?

I assume that chicken eggs are popular because chickens can lay a LOT of them, at predictable times, and the eggs are sturdy and relatively uniform in size. I don't know that the same can be said of pigeon eggs. It's a matter of practicality.

If all the chickens died (CHICKENCAUST!), we would probably move onto quail eggs or duck eggs or some other kind of egg to satisfy our egg sluttiness. I don't know about you, but whenever I see some other kind of bird egg listed on a fancy restaurant menu, I get all excited. OH MY GOD A POACHED QUAIL EGG. IT'S LIKE A REGULAR EGG BUT FROM A QUAIL. Then I bite into it and it tastes like, you know, an egg.

Richard:

Do you think Riley Cooper actually makes an NFL roster this season? If so, what's the over/under on how many times he gets blown up/blindsided by hits after the whistle before he suffers a career threatening injury?

It would appear that the Eagles are going to hope that Cooper's racism rehabilitation will be effective enough to justify keeping him on the active roster for the season. Cooper belongs firmly in the Kevin Walter Sector of unremarkable white wide receivers, but the Eagles lost Jeremy Maclin for the year and appear to be desperate to have even average receiving talent around. If they were gonna cut him, they probably would have done it by now.

They brought him back to camp today, obviously hoping that tempers would settle after a few days (perhaps they were hoping Aaron Hernandez would kill another person to reboot the news cycle for them). They were clearly hoping to bring Cooper back into the fold "quietly," even though you and I both know that's impossible. What will probably happen is that Cooper will get absolutely SHIT ON by fans and teammates, and then the Eagles will realize they made a mistake by not cutting him earlier, and then they will cut him in a few days. Once Cooper gets cut, no one will touch him for at least a year, if ever. He's eminently disposable, so no sense in taking the PR hit for someone you can replace with Brandon Stokely (currently a free agent!) with minimal fuss.

The real question is: What would have happened if someone who isn't roster chum, like Aaron Rodgers, had said it? No team's ever gonna cut an IMPORTANT player loose for something like that. They would issue a firm censure of the video and then send Aaron to Race Camp, and then have him star in a bunch of meticulously crafted anti-racism PSAs. Then Rodgers would throw five touchdown passes in a game and Jon Gruden would be like THIS GUY ISN'T GONNA LET AMERICA'S RACE PROBLEM STOP HIM FOR DOING WHAT NEEDS TO GET DONE, MIKE.

HALFTIME!

Dan:

What if every NBA playoff team was forced to pick up one player from the team they beat for the next round? Would the Pacers pick up Carmelo for the Heat series? Or would they grab Iman Shumpert for better chemistry? I think this would make the NBA/NHL playoffs more interesting. Yes I am at a bar.

A long time ago, some enterprising reader suggested that the two teams to make the Super Bowl be allowed to pick one JOKER player from the rest of the conference to add to their roster for the game. But even though it's a fun idea to think about, it would be a shitty idea to put into practice. There's the obvious fact that the new recruit would have a massive conflict of interest in joining a new team for the playoffs. Wouldn't you fuck over your new team for the sake of your own? Or what if you win a title with your new team and don't want to go back to your old one?

Modern sports are transient. Your favorite team will draft and sign and release and trade for new players all the time, even during the course of the season. In basketball, you could end the season with a completely different roster than the one you started out with, which makes the whole rooting thing kind of ridiculous. But at least there's some order to it. With a playoff borrowing system, the very idea of what makes a "team" would be even more confusing. I can't even begin to fathom what kind of horrible Ashley Fox column would arise out of this. You don't want to cross that rubicon.

Raj:

Over the course of an average guy's life, what is the ratio of number of times masturbating to ejaculation involving a partner? Clearly it changes by decade of a guy's life (presumably hitting its minimum in your twenties before kids), but does it vary a lot based on when you're born? Do those that grew up with Internet porn have much higher ratios than those who had to rely on old Playboys/their imaginations?

I think men have always been horny and have always used any excuse possible to go gratify themselves. But yes, I'm sure the existence of literally millions of hours of free streaming porn that are available at the swipe of your finger has certainly encouraged the world's male population to indulge themselves whenever they see fit. There are also a lot more private indoor places to do your business now than in, say, the Middle Ages. Back in the Middle Ages, you lived in a mud hut with 60 family members and if you touched yourself in front of them they stabbed you to death with a crucifix. So mankind now has more places to fap than ever. I dunno if that ups the average in the face of increasingly progressive sexual liberation, but it can't hurt.

Anyway, depending upon whom you ask, the average American has sex 100 times per year (NOTE: Really? Jesus). And, depending upon whom you ask, the average American male pleasures himself once a day, or 365 times a year. Divide it up and you get a rough 7:2 ratio. That seems wrong, and I say that only because I have never personally come anywhere near this ratio. I mean, you can go right ahead and turn that seven into a 70 for me, because I have spent the majority of my life a desperate man. Going by the once-a-day average (and that's LOW for a teenager), I must have fapped 4,000 times before even getting one notch in the other column. It would take a lifetime of remarkable swordsmanship to balance that back out, and I am NOT a remarkable swordsman. James Deen must be singlehandedly keeping that average artificially low. I say the MEDIAN ratio is closer to 20:1.

Francis:

What is the worst fish to eat? I mean a regular fish, not something rare or exotic, or weird offal like squid guts. My vote is swordfish. Mushy, mealy texture; if you're lucky it tastes like nothing, but mostly it tastes like the water at a commercial seaport smells; and thanks to Anthony Bourdain we know it's riddled with parasites. Mahi Mahi is a close second because you're supposed to be all, oh wow, what a cool name, it comes from Hawaii so it must be good. But it sucks.

The problem with swordfish is that, when it's done right, it's really good. It's a whole other fish. I had good swordfish once and I was like Holy shit, I never knew love like this before. But most of the time, you're right: It tastes like a piece of well done tuna left on a patio railing. Every time I order it, I'm chasing the dragon: trying to replicate that one time I had a good piece of swordfish.

Anyway, the worst fish to eat is talapia. It's crap. It's the only fish at the supermarket that doesn't cost $18 a pound, and that's because it's made of vulcanized rubber. It doesn't even taste good fried, which is impossible but true.

Tim:

About two years ago I got into a debate with my parents during our weekly pizza night dinner. My dad cut a slice of pizza in half, one side with the point, one side with the crust, which I know is weird. Anyway, the debate is this: Is the point of a pizza slice the top, or is the crust the top? I can't see how the crust is the top, but that seems to be the popular opinion.

Who splits a pizza slice like that? That's a jailable offense. Anyway, your argument is misguided. Neither the crust nor the point are the "top" of the pizza, because pizzas are not held that way. If you held a slice of pizza vertically, all the shit would slide off and you would cry. Then you would frantically pick the shit back up, burn your fingers, pile the cheese wad back onto the slice, and have the unhappiest lunch you've ever had.

The top of the pizza slice is the cheese and the toppings. That's why they're called toppings. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Zach:

If a NFL team offered another team every first, second and third round draft pick from 2043-2065, how much would they be able to get back? Would Belichick trade away Brady knowing he could stack up his roster in 30 years? Or would he offer that up to the Vikings for AP figuring that he won't be in the game in 30 years so who cares about what the Patriots would have to do then?

If you go by the old, now-out-of-date NFL draft value chart, a draft pick that is one year removed from now is valued at a round below from this year's draft. So if you someone offers you a first-round pick in 2015, that's the same value, in theory, as a second-round choice this year (NOTE: I don't really believe this, because whenever my team trades away a pick from the next draft, especially a high one, I want to put my fist through a wall). So, if you trade a first-round pick in 2043, that has the same "value" as a 29th-round pick in 2014. In other words, it's virtually useless, especially to a coach or GM who is trading away a valuable player and will only realize his end of the bargain after he's dead.

Even if you wanted to trade away your future picks like that, I don't know that the NFL bylaws would permit it. You can probably only trade draft picks that are covered under the current Collective Bargaining Agreement. After all, by 2043, we'll be watching FLYING ROBOT FOOTBALL, so the parameters of drafting and player acquisition could have completely changed by that point. I think the commish would veto the trade, which is a shame because I could totally see Bobby Beathard pulling something like this back in the day. I'LL GIVE YOU 60 FIRST ROUNDERS IN 2098 FOR BRYAN STILL.

Chris:

What would the fallout be in the media and internet over a touchdown celebration that reenacts the Aaron Hernandez/Odin Lloyd murder? Say the Jets are playing the Pats in Foxboro and Sanchez connects with Kellen Winslow in the end zone. Then Winslow proceeds to "celebrate" with teammates by putting his hand to Braylon Edwards' helmet while he's on his knees and mimic a gunshot sending Edwards down. How bad does the outcry get?

THAT IS A DISGUSTING ACT.

Given that the NFL is caving in even more to the "Act Like You've Been There Before, Sonny!" set, you're looking at a 15-yard flag, a possible ejection, and perhaps a one-game suspension (Even if the Ginger Hammer wanted to suspend them forever, which he would, the specter of a grievance from the NFLPA would force him to issue a Goldilocks penalty: not too harsh, not too lenient). But all that wouldn't begin to match the craven hysteria from people in the media. WE NOW GO LIVE TO MIKE LUPICA AT CANYON RANCH.

By the way, I had no idea that Kellen Winslow was a Jet now. What a fucking disaster that team is gonna be.

Email of the week!

Tom:

I was recently on vacation with the girlfriend and we were taking the redeye flight back home. About an hour into the flight we notice some commotion up in first class and a few flight attendants are hurrying to the scene. About a minute later, one of the flight attendants gets on the horn and asks if there's a doctor onboard. My girlfriend is a doctor and I immediately look at her. She calmly says, "I'll wait to see if anyone else gets up." Shocked, I respond, "Honey, are you kidding? Isn't this what you spent SEVEN years in school for?!?!" About a minute later, an attendant gets back on the horn and asks for a doctor again. Now my girlfriend gets up and heads to the front. She comes back two minutes later and I eagerly ask, "So? What's wrong, is he dying?!?" So responds stoically, "No, he's hammered." The guy was so shitfaced drunk, he was double-over in his seat, people thought he was either stroking-out or just suffered a heart attack.

I made a point to my girlfriend that I would celebrate being a doctor in that moment. As soon as they would ask for a doctor over the intercom, I would jump up, strut down the aisle holding my dick. But, I guess my girlfriend is a little more humble than I am.

But what if the man had died while she was deliberating? I say she's a coward to not help a shitfaced man in need.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a . Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.