How To Make Steamed Pork Dumplings, Like My Great-Grandfather DidEric Sollenberger1/04/14 1:00pmFiled to: foodspindumplingsfoodsteamed dumplings recipehow todeadspin how-tolifespindeadspin xy5211EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalinkAlbert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspin columnist today is KSK and SB Nation contributor Eric Sollenberger.AdvertisementMy grandfather spent 30 years growing up in pre-World War II China, where the Chinese would make fun of Westerners' appearance by calling them "big-noses." The local farmers could only cook what they had, of course, and that was usually pork, chicken, or wild game. Once, the people of a small town called on his father (my great-grandfather)—who had the only rifle in the area, and who was also legally blind—because a boar was eating all of the crops and attacking their children. Boars are delicious, and hilarious for comic relief in cartoons, but this one was seriously jeopardizing the lives of the townspeople. So, my great-grandfather camped out in this small town for a few days, and waited. When the boar returned, the locals tried to point it out to my great-grandfather (who, remember, was blind). The boar wouldn't approach them; it just ran back and forth about a hundred yards out as my great-grandfather tried in vain to draw whatever bead he could on it.After a while of this, the lamest game of cat-and-mouse ever played, my great-grandfather lowered the rifle to frighten the boar with a warning shot, fired, and hit the beast between the eyes from a football field away. The townspeople grabbed the boar and roasted it that same day, complete with a dumpling feast. Over the course of the night they all got nice and drunk and serenaded my great-grandfather with "The boar ran into the bullet." The dumplings were delicious.AdvertisementSo now I'm going to teach you how to make pork dumplings.Dumplings are pretty simple to make, and they don't require you to go to a weird international grocery store or achieve a master's degree in removing a certain part of a fish's ass or anything. This particular preparation, for a really delicious pork dumpling, is even easier than most. There are going to be a lot of Top Chef fans who will poke their heads in to say, "That's not authentic enough!" or, "You should make your own steamer out of Taiwanese bamboo shoots, not Szechuan, idiot!"—but, dammit, how many of their great-grandfathers ever accidentally killed a boar in China? Probably none.Here we go.To start, you'll need a few things that you might not keep on hand depending on how extreme a couponer you are.AdvertisementSponsoredDecent soy sauce: If you find yourself reaching for the bottom shelf to save 30 cents on a freaking bottle of $2.50 soy sauce please stop and take heed. There is no more effective way to ruin an Asian dish than by including La Choy soy sauce. Do not choose La Choy. It's not even real soy sauce. It's made from caramel coloring and Rob Ford's chin smegma and it will seriously ruin everything. If you already bought La Choy, take it back. It's really that bad. Buy something better, even if it's just a bottle of Kikkoman.Wrappers: We're not going to make our own dumpling wrappers here, first of all because you've never used a rolling pin before, and secondly because it would take four hours to do that, and you don't have four hours to devote to dumpling wrappers. So, we're buying pre-made. They'll be called "wonton wrappers" on their packaging and are generally found in a different place in every grocery store. Save yourself the time and just ask someone who works there so that he can go ask three other people who work there who will make wild guesses where they are. If possible, check to make sure your wonton wrappers were made relatively recently: The edges should bend a little bit without cracking.Ginger root: Fresh ginger is cheap as hell, so if you get $3 worth that will be plenty.Meat: Swing by the meats and pick up 32 oz. of ground pork. You can substitute ground turkey if you like—the turkey will actually absorb the flavor of the other ingredients a little better—but my great-grandfather didn't shoot a turkey so we're using pork.Sesame oil: This has a low smoke-point, so it's almost useless for searing anything but your thumb, but it adds great flavor to stir-frys, or you can mix it with peanut butter, hoisin, and Sriracha to make your own spicy peanut sauce.AdvertisementMiscellany: You'll also need minced garlic salt, pepper, at least one bunch of cilantro, and a yellow onion. Also, some booze: Making dumplings is a lot easier than you might think, but it's still a process, and anything that's a process is best enjoyed while drinking.Now that you're home, open your drink of choice and get started. For my part I will be fucking with Iron Mike Gallego and drinking premixed mimosa. This was $5.99 for a bottle, so it's basically the Pert Plus of mimosas except it tastes a little worse.