Sometimes, when an NFL player scores a touchdown in a game, he does a fun thing where he jumps into the air and "dunks" the football over the goalpost. Everyone likes it when players do this, because touchdowns are cool and so are dunks and so is watching a football player get really excited about the cool thing he just did. Naturally, the NFL has decided that this fun cannot be tolerated.

Advertisement

Only the NFL would stipulate that the ball cannot be used as a prop, that the ball must remain a ball, spiritually. Dunking? That's illegal use of the imagination, to steal a line from Drew Magary.

Soon, there will be an NFL game on TV every night of the week. The players will participate in these games without ever emoting in any way, shape, or form, and American football fans will silently watch these games in dark rooms lit only by the soul-withering glow of their television sets. They will eat puréed buffalo wings out of tupperware while they watch. Troy Aikman will be saying, "That's exactly right, Joe," on an endless loop. This is your future, America.