It seems like everyone in FIFA’s orbit gets a bribe. Just today, it was revealed that the former president of Honduras took bribes while working for FIFA’s television and marketing committee, whatever the hell that is. There’s bribe money everywhere! And you know who is getting none of it? Me.

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I would like to rectify this situation, because I don’t think it’s fair that every nobody who works for FIFA gets a bribe while the rest of us get squat. So this is my official invitation to any and all fixers, fat cats, and big-wigs who have previously been raining bribe money on whatever schmuck they can get their hands on: please consider bribing me.

What will your bribe secure you? Well, I’ll be honest, I cannot provide television rights or votes, but I am willing to offer the following services:

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  • Blogs. I’ll write whatever kind of blog you want. I freaking live to write blogs. Two blog ideas I just had: FIFA Is Really Misunderstood, and Why Isn’t ESPN Putting More Focus On FIFA’s Efforts To Help Poor Children In Developing Nations? Wow, such great ideas. Believe me, there’s a lot more where that came from.
  • Back-channeling. This is a win-win, because all I’ve ever wanted in life is to engage in some serious back-channeling. Have negotiations hit a standstill? Are you at loggerheads with the, uh, ambassador? Send me in to do some back-channeling, my friend. I’ll get it all sewn up.
  • Kickbacks. We’ll work out the exact details later.
  • My brother’s HBO Go password.
  • That thing where you call me and ask me to do something bad and I’m like, “This has gone too far!” and you’re like, “Don’t forget who owns you!” and then I get all sweaty and upset and I do the bad thing.
  • Murder? I don’t know, maybe. How much money am I getting? We can talk about it.

In conclusion, please consider bribing me. My rent is probably going up this year.

Photo via AP