For the second straight NBA draft lottery, the sports media couldn’t keep its collective dick in its collective pants. Last year, Bucks owner Wes Edens had his 18-year-old daughter, Mallory, represent the team at the lottery, and sportswriters jizzed all over their computer screens. This year there has (so far) been only one disgusting man, but what he’s lacked in company he’s more than made up for in sheer creepiness.

This is how Chris Sheridan, proprietor of Sheridan Hoops and former longtime ESPN and AP reporter, began his column on the draft:

NEW YORK — One year after Mallory Edens captivated us all at the NBA draft lottery, a new NBA rule deprived us of a close-up look at the trophy wife of Minnesota Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor.

Her name is Becky, she is fantastic looking, and she was supposed to have been onstage instead of the 74-year-old Mr. Taylor as the T-Wolves won the top pick in the 2015 NBA draft.

Unfortunately, the puritans at the NBA instituted a new “no family” rule for this year’s lottery, which also means we’ve seen the last of Nick Gilbert and his bow tie.

That is even worse than you thought, isn’t it? You probably thought he just made some off-color remark. No, he instead devoted the first three paragraphs of his piece—ostensibly about basketball—to telling you all about how much he would like to have sex with Glen Taylor’s wife.

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It gets worse.

Yes, this is a shame. But the lottery is not about trophy wives or trophy daughters or even trophies — at least in the short term. It is about hope for the future, and the T-Wolves have a little more of that now with a young core that includes Rookie of the Year Andrew Wiggins, 2013 No. 1 overall pick Anthony Bennett (if he does not turn into LaRue Martin 2.0) and the Spaniard who is the Mallory Edens of young men, Ricky Rubio.

I ... I don’t even know what the hell this means. Forget the persistent description of women as possessions—what does this mean, semantically? In the short term the lottery isn’t about trophy wives and trophy daughters, but it is in the long term? Ricky Rubio is the Mallory Edens of young men because he’s ... attractive? The writing isn’t just disgusting. It’s also disjointed and makes no sense!

Sheridan manages to write five whole paragraphs—quite a chore when you have one hand down your pants—without any gross remarks about women, but there was no way that was going to last (emphasis mine):

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You want losers aside from those of us who have never gazed upon a live shot Glen Taylor’s wife, pictured above? That distinction belongs to the New York Knicks, who dropped to fourth in the lottery after finishing with the second-worst record in the NBA. They will get a talented consolation prize, and they have max cap room to work with this summer as well, but the allure of playing for Derek Fisher in the triangle offense with Jim Dolan watching from his courtside seat just a few feet away is about as alluring as the thought of sleeping alongside Glen Taylor, which is the price the former Becky Mulvihill must pay for marrying into all that money ($1.8 billion is Taylor’s net worth) eight years ago.

Chris Sheridan has clearly—CLEARLY—gazed at many a live shot of Glen Taylor’s wife, which by his logic makes him a winner, I guess?

You can bash the Sixers all you want between now and then, but remember this: When it is all said and done, Hinkie is going to walk away from all this looking a lot better than young Ms. Edens or the older Mrs. Taylor.

So now he wants to have sex with Sam Hinkie?

Taylor has his trophy wife. Edens will one day be somebody’s trophy GF.

Hinkie? He’ll be the one with the stockpile of Larry O’Brien trophies. And his legacy will last longer than our memories of the comely Ms. Edens and the equally lovely Mrs. Taylor.

*runs away screaming*

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Update: Sheridan has apologized and taken the article down.

[Sheridan Hoops]


E-mail or gchat the author: kevin.draper@deadspin.com | PGP key + fingerprint | Photo via AP