"Today we're beginning this sexperiment, seven days of sex," he said, with his characteristic mix of humor, showmanship and Scripture. "How to move from whining about the economy to whoopee!" ... One parishioner, Rob Hulsey, 25, said his Baptist relatives raised their eyebrows about it, but he summed up the reaction of many husbands at Fellowship Church when he first heard about the sex challenge - "Yay!" A week later, he and his wife, who are expecting a baby and have two older children, could not stop holding hands during the sermon. His wife, Madeline Hulsey, 32, said she was just as thrilled to spend a week focusing on her husband. Usually, "we start to kiss, and it's knock knock knock, Mom!" she said. Others found that, like smiling when you are not particularly happy, having sex when they did not feel like it improved their mood.

"Come on, Adriana, make it real," Rose barked, pausing mid-coitus. "Stop faking!" On that warm weekend evening in the spring of 1987, engineer Vic Deyglio had set up a top-of-the-line vocal microphone to capture the sounds of Rose and Smith having sex - and at one point, he had to dash into the booth to adjust the mike as they went at it. "It was like a Ron Jeremy set in there," Deyglio recalls. Smith wanted to get back at Guns n' Roses drummer Steven Adler for cheating on her - and had always liked the singer better anyway. "I would do anything Axl asked me to do," says Smith, now a forty-year-old mom. "He's fuckin' magical."

"You're in this dark tunnel and you've got no way out," he said. "You're waiting for light, and you see that light, what do you do? What do you do? You start digging and getting out. ... I've always believed you stay in the tunnel and you keep digging when you expect no light. "You have the same faith when you expect no light. You have the same belief in what you're doing when you expect no light. ... It's dark and I'm going to dig through. My shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding."

Cops raided his house yesterday, supposedly looking for drugs (Tank has now been arrested three times since joining the Bears). They found "a cache of unregistered guns and assault rifles - some loaded," and we love that the Chicago Tribune added that ominous "some loaded" at the end, because otherwise we'd have no idea what people do with guns. They also found Willie B. Posey, who had two ounces of the ganga on him during the raid; he was busted too. Oh, and they also found Johnson's girlfriend and their two kids, around the guns and the ganja and the Willie Posey.

9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she's in a romantic comedy for teens. 23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she's figured out guys. She hasn't. She'll fuck everything up all the while thinking she's very clever about men. 29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She's got commitment issues, and since you're an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.

You've got a guy (Mr. Rogers) who has got millions of children's ears and he says he's gonna shoot straight to them about the weighty matters of life, death, divorce — and then he steps gingerly around the fact that if you mess with that fag lifestyle you gonna split hell wide open.

Set 25-40 years into the future when the precipitous decline of the U.S. leads to a mass exodus of its citizens, "Americatown" takes place in a cluster of newly arrived American immigrants in a big foreign city.