No Matter How Far You Go, You Can't Outrun StupidS

You think you've exhausted the myriad avenues available to you in which it is possible to be an idiot at life and then you have a week like this one. Whatever the opposite of Mad Genius is, that's me. Recovering Fatass Soundtrack: Sane Moron Edition. Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? Your Spotify playlist is here. My concern for your opinion of the songs contained therein can be found here.

"Transatlantic Foe," At the Drive-In

So, my schedule has been all jacked up. I've been trying to keep to it as best I can, but between drinking too many beers at football games and being at least 12 years older than I'd like to admit, I have had a hard time keeping pace. My Sundays are intentionally easy days because I don't want to screw around too much with football games. But somehow, this schedule snuck some longer (read: more than 2 miles) runs into Sundays and I completely blew one of them off this week.

"Jude Law And A Semester Abroad," Brand New

So, smart guy and master rationalizer that I am, I just told myself I'd run Sunday's run on Monday and Monday's run on Tuesday, and push everything back a day. It would actually work out great because, as it stands, my long runs are on Wednesdays, but both upcoming races are on the weekend. By gradually pushing them back, I would actually be helping myself out in the long run.

Do you see how seamless that was? Two sentences and I completely legitimized not running. Or at least I legitimized it to myself, which is all that really matters. Anyway, clearly I had too much fun on Sunday and I was completely useless Monday. Running was not even an option. I literally el-oh-elled at the idea.

"In The Aeroplane Over The Sea," Neutral Milk Hotel

So now I was two days behind. I don't even know what days I was supposed to what at this point, all I know is that at some point I decided to nix the whole "push everything back" plan and just go right for 10 miles and get it over with. I forgot that my wife and I were going to some wine tasting thing during the NYC Food and Wine festival one of the days I had re-scheduled my long run to and I had to then un-reschedule it because I am worthless after running 10 miles and we paid good money to get drunk and spoken down to by New York's finest sommeliers.

"25 Cent, Giraffes," Lifetime

So I decided on the fly that I would run Thursday. I think we've spent enough time together at this point that you realize how crazy-reckless this was of me. I hate just doing things spontaneously. Whenever I watch a movie or sitcom where a guy is getting killed by his lady friend for not being spontaneous and whimsical and carefree, I secretly cringe because I am that guy. I need to have a plan. I'm not leaving the house without a clear objective. I will under no circumstances see where the day takes me. That is insanity. I need to be mentally prepared for the shit that I am going to encounter and that requires, above all else, time. I am the doctor's office; you need to give me at least 24 hour's notice or I am going to be pissed.

"Our Live Is Not A Movie Or Maybe," Okkervil River

Waking up Thursday and saying ah, fuck it. Just do the long run today certainly saved me from being a zombie for our Date Night, but it really freaked me out about running. I didn't have a proper playlist made ahead of time and most damning, I didn't have that buffer period between realizing I was going to be running for 10 miles and actually running 10 miles. Usually this happens the night before and the time spent sleeping serves as a the buffer. You can still physically feel that time has passed but you don't spend it waking and obsessing about it.

When I woke up and decided to run, I subconsciously gave myself that buffer by procrastinating the shit out of that long run. I knew I was running that day. I knew it was the only option. I should have just gotten it out of the way in the morning, but no. I waited. I waited all day. I waited until the last possible moments of daylight would be slinking away and then I got out and ran.

"San Francisco," Alkaline Trio

I ran basically the same course as I had the week before but there were a couple hurdles, so to speak...

No Matter How Far You Go, You Can't Outrun Stupid

...there were a couple hurdles, Kevin.

No Matter How Far You Go, You Can't Outrun Stupid

I say, there were hurdles, like the obstacles...when you run?

No Matter How Far You Go, You Can't Outrun Stupid

Thank you, thank you.

So, hey, have you seen this? Have you heard about this...?

"Funeral," Band of Horses

There seriously were hurdles, though. Metaphorical hurdles, not actual ones. I waited so long that the areas I had been running were flooded with kids playing after school sports. Which is just so typically selfish of this me-first generation. Don't you have some drugs to do somewhere, kids? I'm trying to get my life back together here, if you don't mind.

I couldn't chew up some easy (read: flat) miles on the track because there was a track meet. and worst of all, my usual loop, which is just around the various athletic fields, was littered with high school football players pissing all over the place. Now, I normally do several loops around these fields and this was troubling to me.

"Neverender," Coheed And Cambria

I don't know about you guys, but I generally try to avoid seeing penises in public. Just a thing I have about public penises. Not a fan. Also, the loops where I saw these penises, they're kind of shady. It's probably the reason the dudes felt comfortable urinating, from their perspective you can barely see anything where I am, it's just woods. I don't want to be seen as a dude who keeps running around in a loop where there are known public penises. Not good for business.

"Minno," Hot Water Music

So, between the piss parties and the kids being otherwise constructive with their lives, I had to figure out a way to make up the 10 miles. So what did I do? I fucking winged it again.

Oh, just run around here for a bit and then head back and you can make it up in your neighborhood.

Disaster.

"Blue as your Blood," The Walkmen

I headed back, having a mental image of where I theoretically was and where I needed to be to finish up 10 miles and of course I was pitifully off. I climbed up these two hills and thought I was almost done, ready to cruise back home and found myself a mile and a half shy of 10 and running up a steady incline just steep enough to make me want to set up shop in the cemetery I was running next to. Oh yeah, I was running alongside a cemetery. Wonderful (It actually is gorgeous, but running in or around a cemetery seems to be such a brazen tempting of fate that I don't need to be getting into.

"Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team)," Taking Back Sunday

I obviously finished because if I am anything, it's stubborn. Once I start, I have to finish. It's just the starting that gets me. This time especially, I had waited so long, and failed to notice that even though it's fall and awesome, the sun is going down earlier and earlier, and I was basically wearing a soaking wet shirt as the sun went down and the wind picked up. It was freezing. Soaked, cranky, freezing and exhausted, at that point, I was my own spirit animal.

"My Name Is Jonas," Weezer

This is part of the reason why I'm worthless after these long runs. It is obviously physically draining, but it is emotionally draining, too. When I get home, I have to sit around, shower and then take a nap. I couldn't take a nap this time because it was, like, 7:00 pm by the time I was cleaned up and if I'm going to nap at 7:00, I might as well go to bed and who goes to bed at 7:00 pm? Those kids who were pissing all over the fields, probably, that's who. I don't piss on fields and I don't go to bed at 7:00 pm. As much as I need that buffer zone of preparation before a run, I definitely need the decompression time or whatever you'd like to call "doing nothing for a long period of time and maybe acting like a baby, almost like when you're sick."

"Irish Car Bomb," Hot Rod Circuit

That's really why I didn't want to run the same day as the wine tasting thing, I needed to just do nothing for the rest of the day after my run. Whether the rest of the day was 12 hours or two, it doesn't matter. I need to know that space is unaccounted for.

"It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Deathwish,"My Chemical Romance

The weird thing about this that I'm noticing as I write this is that I am really a pretty laid back guy. Like, faultingly so, I think. But this is making me sound like a puritanical lunatic. I just have a lot of rules for running, I think, because it is the worst. I don't have many rules, for drinking, really, because drinking is fun.

"When The Levee Breaks," Led Zeppelin

Alright, that's not entirely true. I usually have to have shoes on when I'm drinking. One, because not wearing shoes is weird in general and makes me feel too comfortable and when combined with the depressive alcohol, can make you sleepy. Think of wearing shoes as like the bosses keeping the heat down in the office so you're more productive. Second, we had a friend in college who would always hang out in sandals while we pregamed and then go back to his place to put real shoes on and it would take him six years to come back. I think that played a major role in my shoes-while-drinking neurosis.

"Memorial," Explosions In The Sky

But that's it for rules, I swear. I am a cool and relaxed dude.

"Bombtrack," Rage Against The Machine

TELL ME YOU BELIEVE ME.

"Fake Empire," The National

[Sobbing]