Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: the since disappeared "Pregnant lady fight." Tonight's commentator: Ohio resident, and esteemed Deadspin commenter, Eric Peacock. (Coming next week: A drag-queen competition in Peru goes haywire.)
First and foremost, I want to get this small piece of advice out of the way. It's advice that was handed down to me by my father, who learned it from his father, who learned it from...well, you get the idea. I attribute this advice to being responsible for helping me make it to my 30s, and hopefully it will carry me well into my twilight years.
When I was six my dad took me on his lap and said, "Son, never fight a pregnant woman. For one, you're a male and you should never strike a female. That's just wrong. But more importantly, that's automatically two against one. Simple math tells you that the odds are stacked against you."
I'm pretty sure he had been drinking or huffing paint...maybe both. But that moment has always stuck with me. Now you're probably thinking, "That's weird advice to give to a six-year old," but this is where I'll remind you that I'm from Ohio.
Speaking of Ohio, that's where this week's lovely fight happened to take place! So when asked to do this I figured "Why not?" It's not like I have anything better to do. Unless you consider battling night terrors and crying "better things to do", and if so we'll have to agree to disagree.
For those of you who have never lived in Ohio, I can explain it to you thusly: in Mortal Kombat II Shang Tsung has this Fatality where he picks up his opponent and sucks out their soul, simply leaving a dried-out husk of what once a human being. Well, Ohio is essentially Shang Tsung and anyone who lives here long enough becomes that withered-up shell of a man/woman. This is why fights are pretty much a regular occurrence around here. No one has anything left to lose, and they're angry because of it. Seriously, I can go out to a bar on any given Saturday and see a fight. Or at the very least a near fight, full of chicken-necking and threats of knocking out teeth. Which sounds impressive until one takes into account the fragility of meth-teeth. Still, this is a good one, so let me add my two cents.
The video gets off to a great start by not wasting any time with pointless things like reasons for the fight. It simply tells you the girl in red is pregnant and that's all you need to know. They even capitalize the word pregnant, just in case you weren't aware that it's pretty messed up.
After the simplest of introductions, we're treated to a few people standing around and talking, then comes a Darren Aronofsky-esque smash-cut and this shit is ON. Props to the editor for timing it up so that the line "Man I'm so Cleveland it's a goddamn shame" occurs right after the uneasy peace of the first few seconds ends, because it goes nicely with the girl in white getting her hair yanked while going full-on Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot. This is immediately followed by the awesomeness that is another girl making sure to first remove her hair extensions, this despite the fact that her breasts are hanging out of her shirt. Priorities! However, the pregnant girl steps in to prove why it was a wise move, as her hair gets immediately yanked off and dropped to the ground as quickly as her dignity did when she stepped in to fight in the first place.
Now, let's not forget about the guys in this video. They're circling and pretending they want this to stop, but they secretly don't. Though there's no sound to prove this, I would venture to guess that if there were they would be letting out a few half-hearted "Hey, stop it"s or something. Chances are, they aren't saying anything at all. Because any guy who's been witness to a knock-down-drag-out involving females know it's a tricky situation. First, you can't exactly grab people and start pulling them apart forcefully. But the main thing is, it's kind of awesome to watch. And if any guy wants to say otherwise, I'll ask you this: how does it feel to be a liar?
Look at the guy on the bench. He isn't even pretending to give a shit. Say what you will about him, but at least he's honest with himself.
As soon as things appear to calm down, the first shirt pops off. Which isn't a standard thing in a fight involving females, but here we are. If you pretend she's letting out a Viking-bellow as she charges shirtless the whole thing becomes 1000x funnier.
Now at this point, there are people involved in the fight who I'm pretty sure weren't even in the area at the beginning of the video. Ohio citizens they are, they likely smelled fisticuffs in the air and ran down the street to see what they could do to join in. I'm sure that girl wishes she was wearing her shirt now that she's pressed into the ground, because this appears to be summertime and the grass becomes like green Brillo pad. She's probably lucky that this didn't cause her to bleed out. Still, she recovers nicely and for a short moment there appears to be peace.
However, as these moments are wont to be when the fighters remain in the same area with their ire up, it's an uneasy peace. Some shit-talking and a twerk later, and we're right back where we started. Or so it would appear! A hair-pull and a few seconds of windmilling arms later, and it appears one opponent is ready to throw in the towel. This is usually not the case, but maybe she was tired. Or she saw the person with a cell-phone taping the whole thing and decided that just because it was already going to end up on Youtube, there was no need to exacerbate just how bad it was going to make her look in front of her loved ones. And I must say, the "Cleveland Shit" title card to close it down was a nice touch.
So there you have it. This should be part of a video created to bolster tourism to Ohio. It's way more exciting than quiet videos of cornfields or sad people or whatever Ohio tourism videos entail.
How would I know? I'm looking to move out of Ohio, not to it. Somewhere nice, where nothing weird happens.
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Dublin City looks marvelous this time of hear, does it not? (Start of Violence, 0:05)
• Because why wouldn't you fight at a Mets game? (SoV, 0:10)
• Bienvenidos a Lauderhill Mall. (SoV, 0:41)
• This here parking-lot tiff triples as a dissertation on "combat," and a chance to plug C-Note's new song which is "comming" soon. Respect. (SoV, 0:05)
• The "Incident on the High Street in Edinburgh" Premiere Party:
• This is called "Cambodia also fight for women." This is a video of Cambodian women fighting one another. (SoV, instantly)
• Documentarian captures epic bleacher-brawl in which one participant declares, "I'm the motherfucker that runs this shit, bitch." (SoV, 0:39)
• Lotto-ticket rachetness, with a thoughtful dissertation on Americans' penchant for fist fighting and the like. (SoV, 0:20)
• Here's hoping your Fourth of July BBQ builds on the fervor of this poolside gathering. (SoV, 0:57)
• Tha Empire State of Mind Remix:
• Chris. James. Dusty parcel of land; shantytown. House on a hill off in the distance; a better life? But first, a score to settle. (SoV, 0:22)
• There are at least 13 "Robert E. Lee High Schools" in America. Well, in seven southern states stretching from San Antonio, Texas to Jacksonville, Fla. This fight broke out in one of them. I suspect it was caused by a debate as to whether Texas really qualifies as a southern state. (SoV, 0:20)
• Denmark vs. Sweden Megabrawl Live Look-In:
• From America's birthplace comes this here "girl fights in Philly" jawn. Looks familiar, but still (SoV, instantly). Bonus coverage: SEPTA bus stomping? SEPTA bus stomping (S0V, 0:48). Bonus Coverage II: Some crisp footage of a ladybrawl near the Cumberland Food Jawn in North Philly (SoV, instantly).
• The "Two DRUNK Prostitutes Fight on the street" Intermezzo:
• Angry headbutting lady? Angry headbutting lady. (SoV, 1:14)
• Why is everybody always so spring-coil pissed off in Vancouver? (SoV, 0:16)
• This is apparently what happens when you mess with the wrong crews. (SoV, instantly)
• Sup, cholo? (SoV, 0:28)
• Others: "Fight at The Grill." "Hmong Gang BeatDown!!!" "Coffsss Fight." "Rutherford brawl Adrianna vs Stephanie." "Chifruda e a outra se pegando." "This Is What The Maury Show Would Look Like Without Security." "Russian brawl with security."
• The Hoopster vs. Cobra Kai Beach-Bro Brawl Coda: