What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?S

While collecting insertions into various orifices for our annual feature, we stumbled across a good number of truly awful penis-related mishaps. Culled from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, here's a year's worth of self-abuse.

All descriptions are verbatim from ER admittance records:

  • PUT HIS WEDDING RING ON HIS PENIS, NOW CAN'T GET IT OFF
  • SITTING ON A TOILET AND DROPPED CIGARETTE ONTO PENIS
  • BLEEDING FROM PENIS, WAS DANCING AND RUBBING UP AGAINST SOMEONE REALLY ROUGH
  • STRUCK PENIS ON SPEAKER BOX
  • CUT PENIS ON GIRLFRIENDS BELLY BUTTON RING
  • WAS AT A WATER PARK AND RAN INTO A POLE, FOREHEAD AND PENIS CONTUSION
  • HAS BEEN WRAPPING TISSUES AROUND PENIS WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM;DYSURIA
  • WAS SEWING PANTS AND GOT NEEDLE STUCK IN PENIS
  • GOLFING AND GOT TICK BITE TO PENIS
  • LACERATION PENIS WHEN GRABBED DURING BASKETBALL GAME
  • WHILE PUTTING ON PJ'S HE HIT HIS PENIS AGAINST THE WALL
  • WAS IN THE SHOWER WASHING HIS PENIS, HAD FORESKIN PULLED BACK, & GOT STARTLED, HE PULLED IT BACK FURTHER. PENILE FRENULUM TEAR
  • WAS WALKING IN HOME AND FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR BOARDS STRUCK PENIS
  • LACERATION TO PENIS USING SHOT GLASS TO MASTURBATE
  • DEVELOPED A LESION TO PENIS AFTER WEARING SOMEONE ELSES PANTS
  • SHOT WITH BB GUN BY BRO TO THE GENITAL
  • HEMATOMA TO PENIS AFTER BUMPING INTO A POOL TABLE WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOT
  • BURNT PENIS WITH BLOW DRYER
  • ON TREADMILL, FELL WITH PANTS GETTING CAUGHT & PULLED INTO TREADMILL, INJURY TO PENIS, PENILE SWELLING & PAIN, TENDERNESS; LACERATION OF PENIS
  • WALKING ON A TREADMILL AS IT WAS GOING VERY SLOWLY AND FELL OFF EDGE CAUGHT PENIS ON THE TREADS ABRASION PENIS
  • DROPPED A 10LB WEIGHT ONTO PENIS
  • WAS JUMPING FROM ONE COUCH TO ANOTHER NOW PAIN TO PENIS.
  • SLIPPED OUT OF HIS CHAIR LAST NIGHT ONTO CARPET ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A BUG. PENIS ABRASION
  • FELL IN SHOWER DIRECTLY ONTO ERECT PENIS. HEARD CRACK TO SITE.
  • RUNNING WITH ERECT PENIS AND FELL ONTO FLOOR SUSTAINING PENILE FRACTURE
  • HEARD A POP TAKING OFF BOXERS. PENILE FRACTURE
  • WAS SITTING ON COUCH @ HOME, WHEN SIBLING THREW A LARGE TOY TRUCK AT HIM HITTING PENIS. TRAUMA.
  • OLDER BROTHER & HIM HORSING AROUND WHEN SIBLING BIT PENIS.
  • SHUT A DVD CASE ON PENIS
  • PLACED AN ELECTRIC LINT REMOVER TO PENIS AND SUSTAINED A CUT
  • USING A MILK JUG FOR A URINAL, SCRAPED PENIS ON ROUGH EDGE OF PLASTIC
  • HAS BEEN PUTTING HOT TOWELS ON HIS PENIS, & STRETCHING IT , TO MAKE IT BIGGER, SAW IT ON INTERNET-PENIS PAIN.

Be careful out there.