Christmas Ape's Posts

DUAN

Sexy Olympian Has Sexy Performance

Now that Mother's Day is drawing to a close, we can get back to objectifying women. Just funnin'. I'm only interested in Rich Garces' tits. Or, failing that, Bobby Jenks'. Yesterday, noted attractive Olympian and tattoo enthusiast Nathasha Kai put on quite the show, scoring three goals in the U.S. women's soccer team's 6-0 win over Canadia, who still try to dribble with hockey sticks. More »

7:00 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
20,102 views, 388 comments

This Is Dog Woosh

Douchetastic USC Walk-On Video Is Neuheisel's Gain

In what's already been something of a frustrating day for Southern California, a story gaining traction is that UCLA football coach Rick Neuheisel has been using the above video as a way to convince recruits to stear clear of USC, presumably because Brennan Carroll, the son of head coach Pete Carroll and one of the team's assistant coaches, is all screamy and cussy. But doesn't he say he "loves every fucking one of you"? Positively touching, if you ask me. More »

6:15 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
11,334 views, 24 comments

Latest by DamnSkippy: "Whistle, whistle, whistle! I don't have a whistle, I just say whistle. Dad won't give me a whistle, so I just say whistle. Just like when I was a kid I say 'GI Joe, GI Joe, GI Joe' because I more »

revisionist history

Tony Dungy Has A Short Memory

Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy spoke with kids at a high school in Tampa on Thursday and apparently he was in a mood to foment him some controversy. And not in the usual "condemning o' the gays" way. Nope. He took a shot at the rival New England Patriots being embroiled in MattWalshGate. Nothing wrong with that. What was interesting was Dungy's willingness to gloss over accusations against his team.

Then someone asked if anything happened last season that he wished he could include in the book. What followed was vintage Dungy. He seized the opening. He brought up the videotaping scandal with the New England Patriots.

5:30 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
8,713 views, 30 comments

Latest by whodatmaninablacksedan: Furthermore...MattWalshGate is not an unsubstantiated, far-fetched accusation like this crowd noise nonsense. The tapes exist, so the Patriots integrity is rightly questioned. For you to even insinuate that Tony Dungy, despite is preachiness, is the type of scumbag more »

Mother Dearest

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while wishing you had Dumbo's mom...

In Progress: Lakers at Jazz, Game 4. Ronny Turiaf just hit me. [ABC]

NHL Eastern Conference Finals: Philadelphia Flyers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins, Game 2. It's Iron City vs. Yuengling, Pierogis vs. Scrapple, Pennsyl vs. tucky. 7:30 p.m. [Versus]

MLB: Boston Red Sox at Minnesota Twins. Red Sox? In primetime? Zuuuuhhhh? 8 p.m. [ESPN]

NBA: New Orleans Hornets at San Antonio Spurs, Game 4. Can you not love Chris Paul? You can't. [TNT]

TV: The Simpsons. 8 p.m. Eh, it's new. [FOX]

TV: Two-hour The Office marathon. 8 p.m. Watch it. Watch it now. 3,2,1. Do it. 5,4,3,2. Nownownow! [NBC]

4:45 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
748 views, 12 comments

Latest by VTBen: @TheStarterWife: Lafayette. Lehigh's in Bethlehem. more »

Lax

OSU Lacrosse Goalie Makes Sport Watchable, If Briefly

I grew up in Maryland, where lacrosse is the official team sport (The official individual sport? Jousting. Yes, Maryland is retarded. I'm sure they'll change the team sport to Quidditch before the decade is out). There, lacrosse is all the rage with white guys and the rare black dude who listens to The Deftones. So, yeah, I know from lacrosse. And this play is pretty badass. More »

4:00 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
6,170 views, 19 comments

Hannah and Her Sistahs

Hannah Storm To Weather SportsCenter Circus

Hannah Storm may have the name of a pro wrestler, but she's a serious germalist. She was the first full-time female sports anchor at CNN and a prominent figure at NBC Sports for a decade before jumping to CBS to host the CBS Early Show. She also told us about injuries in Madden '96, so she's got that gamer cred too. Now, as Richard Deitsch at SI reports, she's making the jump to Bristol. More »

3:15 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
6,649 views, 11 comments

Blogdome

Drinking Helmet Enhances Signs, Eases Their Display

The drinking helmet is not only a good sign complement. It's a must. [The Sports Hernia]

At least Eric Gagne is honest. [Fanhouse]

Jay Mariotti, master quote distorter. [Jay the Joke]

Yeah, the Mavs went with Rick Carlisle. But what could have been? [Triviality of Basketball]

A 5-year USC rule infraction retrospecticus [East Coast Bias]

A more positive USC history lesson. [So-Cal Sports Hub]

Derek Jeter has never seen Anchorman. Deadspin commenting account denied. [Big League Stew]

Paaahk the caaah in the high school bawl yaaaaahd. [Josh Q. Public]

The Ballad of Jamar Hornsby [The Arena]

2:30 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
2,705 views, 4 comments

Latest by Rob Iracane: Derek Jeter has never seen Anchorman. Deadspin commenting account denied. I'll be the judge of that. Commenting account: approved! more »

FIGHT CAMP

John Harbaugh Runs A Tight Ship

This is the first year the Ravens have held minicamp in 10 years without choking on the fumes of Brian Billick's smug. One thing remains unchanged: the complete disorder. It just wouldn't be the Ravens without it. Nearly all of the 85 players in camp were involved in a brawl yesterday that started with an offensive and defensive tackle getting in a dust-up after a hard tackle on a running play up the middle. But, hey, no stabbings! It's a new day! More »

1:45 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
3,986 views, 13 comments

Latest by josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you: @Nocturnal emissions: Take this science away from here! /ben stein/who immediately went into a riff on Ferris Bueller's Day Off/he played a science teacher, as well... no?/shits pants at the irony more »

Man U claims 10th Premier League title in 16 years [Times of London] MORE »

8 comments

DeShawn Stephens

Wizards Players Following Through On Their Boycott Of Love

That may not actually be true, but the Wizards players swore they'd never go to Love, the club that played Jay-Z's diss track against DeShawn Stevenson, ever again. And for one night at least, that held true. Stet Sports Blog has the video of Caron Butler and DeShawn Stevenson partying it up at Ibiza, another Northeast D.C. (note to out-of-towners: third safest quadrant!) club with a DJ who doesn't know DeShawn's name. Caron doing the "I can't feel my face" move is quite nice, though. More »

1:00 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
2,042 views, 15 comments

Latest by josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you: @Send It In, Jerome!: Plus, you've got Wonkette Polaroid Artist Liz Glover's yoga studio near-by. If you have any LG sitings, please, call me. more »

MLB Closer

An Indian Offensive 'SPLOSION!

The Cavs victory wasn't the only thing Mistake by the Lakers celebrated yesterday while eagerly awaiting their next 23-cent pizza day. Grady Sizemore homered twice and drove in five runs to propel the Tribe to a 12-0 throttling of the Blue Jays. It's enough to get Indians fans off their ice cream helmet binges. The still-struggling Travis Hafner went 0-for-3 but he did get hit by a pitch. Just keep leaning into 'em like Roger Dorn, Pronk. Aaron Laffey pitched seven inning of scoreless ball to pick up his first win of the season. More »

12:30 PM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
1,498 views, 10 comments

Latest by metalmaniac: @Magnakai Haaskivi: Never gonna happen. You'll see Pujols, withn his bad elbow, pitch before Ankiel does. more »

Reggie Bush Says Heeeeere We Go Again

O.J. Mayo Reportedly Accepted Gifts And Cash In High School And At USC

The WWL is all over its report this morning on "Outside the Lines" featuring the claim from a former associate of NBA prospect O.J. Mayo that the player accepted $30,000 in cash and gifts over the last four years from a Los Angeles-based event promoter. More »

11:30 AM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
4,901 views, 26 comments

NHL Closer

Chris Osgood's Feel-Good Story Comes To A Butt-End

While Mitch Albom was gushing over what a selfless mensch Chris Osgood is on the Sports Reporters this morning for gracefully stepping aside when the Red Wings signed Dominik Hasek, he conveniently ignored the cheap shot Osgood took with the butt-end of his stick to the Stars' Mike Ribeiro at the end of regulation last night in Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals. More »

11:00 AM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
3,111 views, 21 comments

That Funky Chunky Monkey

About Last Night...

What you missed while being reminded not to feed the Ape...

NBA: The Celtics have really carried over that road warrior status from the regular season, lose badly to the Cavs 108-84. But LeBron still didn't shoot particularly well!

NHL: Red Wings take a 2-0 series lead over the Stars with a 2-1 win that includes just enough goalie fights.

MLB: The Cardinals manage to not blow a save! Oh wait. Not Izzy. Right. Check.

NASCAR: Kyle Busch wins at Darlington. Thus concludes Christmas Ape's NASCAR coverage.

9:40 AM on Sun May 11 2008
By Christmas Ape
1,042 views, 20 comments

Latest by new_commentator: Bring me Solo and the wookie! more »

Mother's DUAN

The Happiest Place On Earth, After Mom's Favorite Antique Store

For the last post before Mother's Day, it would only be appropriate to feature the professional athlete who's the closest to his mother. That would be Super Bowl MVP ~~Buster Bluth~~ Eli Manning, who finally took his requisite parade float down Main Street of Disneyland on Wednesday after missing it in February due to the fake-sounding excuse of "airport delays". More »

5:45 PM on Sat May 10 2008
By Christmas Ape
4,903 views, 308 comments

To The Airship!

To Watch Tonight

What to watch while modifying your flatscreen with a burlap frame...

In Progress: Detroit Pistons vs. Orlando Magic, Game 4. Chauncey Billups was a gametime decision (not playing). Also a gametime decision: pants/no pants? [ESPN]

NHL Western Conference Finals, Game 2 — Dallas Stars vs. Detroit Red Wings. 7 p.m. Only Don Cherry dresses worse than rednecks. [Versus]

NBA Playoffs — Boston Celtics vs. Cleveland Cavaliers, Game 3. 8:15 p.m. What's worse: Brian Scalabrine's rap or LeBron James's shooting? [ABC]

Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark. 8:30 p.m. [USA] I look forward to when Dr. Jones takes on the Nats.

5:00 PM on Sat May 10 2008
By Christmas Ape
502 views, 6 comments

Latest by DwayneBoweCoalition: Steampunk, how very 2003. Of course, for the New York Times, it ain't a story unless they sit on it for at least a year... /wiretapped more »

Shocking News You'll Never Believe

Ex-Associate Claims In Book That O.J. Confessed To Murder While High

The Associated Press (via SportsbyBrooks) got the advance scoop on a book to be released Monday by Mike Gilbert, a memorabilia dealer who profited off O.J. Simpson for years, claiming Simpson admitted to killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, after he was acquitted for her murder.

He said Simpson had smoked pot, took a sleeping pill and was drinking beer when he confided at his Brentwood home weeks after his trial what happened the night of June 12, 1994. Simpson said he went to his ex-wife's condominium, but did not bring a knife with him. Simpson told him Nicole Brown Simpson had one in her hand when she opened the door.

4:30 PM on Sat May 10 2008
By Christmas Ape
10,150 views, 24 comments

Latest by thatguy01: As long as you're a girl, any combination of boys and girls that adds up to "three" is not only acceptable, it's applauded. more »

Knicks win the Mike D'Antoni sweepstakes. The loser? Mike D'Antoni. [SI] MORE »

10 comments