Or maybe he's just fine with standing on the podium. Right now he's third, about five minutes and change behind Contador, who kept the lead after the last competitive leg of the race. Usually on the final stage to Paris, cyclists clink champagne classes and play Axis & Allies amongst one another as they pedal to the finish.

The pride Armstrong carries is by no means a secret, but he seems to be content, this year, to be part of a team that includes a champion. At least until next year, when Armstrong slips some extra testosterone into his teammate's bottle of Evian. That'll teach him who beat cancer!

Garate Takes Tour Stage; Contador Virtually Seals Win [Bloomberg]
Chugging Along, His Ego in Tow [New York Times]

* * * * *

Boy, these days sure are dull when athletes stay alive and privacy isn't invaded. There's nothing left to do but buy a foam Wii baseball bat and try to re-live lost childhood moments. Enjoy the textual orgasm of Cohen, Daulerio, And Associates tomorrow. Rinse.

The four teens are accused of stealing a cash box from wee little lasses, ages 9 and 11, at a public pool who were selling patriotic hats and t-shirts to help raise money for their dad's struggling business, an embroidering company.

Here's how it went down: Girl #1 flashed a $20 and acted as if she was going to buy something, but then quickly yanked the box of money from the girls and ran away. Girl #2 held the door open for Girl #1 to help facilitate the pilfery. Girls #3 and #4 were in the idling getaway car, a Ford Taurus — the kind you see in all those bank heist movies — probably listening to music you don't like.

You know the scheme, now meet the team:

Chelsea Alexa Steele, 17 (the cheerleader)
Katie Leathers, 18 (she's still held in Cobb County Jail as we type)
Alexa Michalski, 18 (the muscle)
Miss Not Appearing In This Blog Post, 16

Ms. Steele was first apprehended earlier this month when the father, Joe Greene, did some amateur sleuthing and recognized one of the girls from Facebook and the high school's cheerleading website. Once she couldn't keep her story straight, the other three ladies were charged yesterday.

My favorite bit of pandering to the sentimental reader was the mention of one of Greene's daughters' friends being bound by a wheelchair. So these Plastics stole money not just from children, but from handicapped children!

The lesson here is, I think, not that all cheerleaders are selfish, just most of them.

Cheerleader's friends charged [AJC]
TEEN GIRL SQUAD!

The Jays wanted J.A. Happ, Kyle Drabek, and Dominic Brown. The Phillies were all, "no way!" And the Jays were all, "way!" And the Phillies were all, "Nuh-uh!" And the Jays were all "Aww." I'm pretty sure those are standard trade operating procedures.

Is It Possible To Will A Trade Rumor Out Of Existence? There's some kind of information going around the the Detroit Tigers want to trade for Milton Bradley. I'm guessing it's part of the Tigers' new philosophy: "Trade for Farnsworth twice, shame on us, Trade for Farnsworth three times, shame on humanity."

Holy crap, the Tigers do not need another outfielder. Unless, of course, he's secretly a fantastic setup man. And perhaps the rumor is just a load of fertilizer, as the Tribune says there've been no talks between the teams. Phew.

The Mets Are More Than Willing To Part With Victor Zambrano For Him. Scott Kazmir might go to the Angels, who are looking for some kind of starting pitcher. They might also try to lure in Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay.

Actually, everyone wants Roy Halladay. I want Roy Halladay on my baseball team, which I am starting right now. I'd like 25 All-Stars, public funding for a stadium, and some kind of cool logo, please.

There. Baseball news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend hijinks involving references to Crystalis and Gauntlet.

The California Kid, Nate Montana, is going to enroll in Pasadena City College and play for one year, before transferring back to Notre Dame and try to compete for the starting quarterback job in 2010. Pasadena City College? I think UND plays them next year.

In case anyone thinks there's some kind of funny business goin' on with the heralded quarterback, Nate is here to put any of those rumors to bed. (There were rumors?)

I'm going there with the intention of getting playing time and then returning to Notre Dame in the spring to join back up with the team and compete again for the job ... Nothing's ever certain. That's a long way down the road, and I guess we'll just have to see where things go ... I don't have any academic problems or personal deals, it's purely for the experience of getting some time under center.

Just say it, son. You don't want to constantly live in your father's shadow. You want to stay at home for a year, do your thing, and then take a crack at the ol' big time school. It's the Carlton Banks Success Plan. I mean, look at him now! Actually ... whatever happened to him?

It's not just "some community college" he's choosing instead of Charlie Weis' fantastic program. The Pasadena City College Lancers have won five national titles, the most recent being 1977. Notable NFL alumni include Browns defensive lineman Jerome Harrison, and there've been dozens of famous PCC grads, such as singer/songwriter William Hung, fashion model Nick Nolte, and gay rights activist Fred Phelps.

Montana Headed To Junior College [South Bend Tribune]

On an MLB.com message board, fans are trying to organize a "peaceful rally" at the home of Mets COO Jeffrey Wilpon and his wife. This will ultimately prove ... something. I think it's, "get an unlisted number, you cads!"

Hey, it's not lookin' good for the team. The Mets are 10½ games behind the Phillies and 7½ away from a potential wild card berth. Their payroll is second highest in baseball, behind those other guys in New York. Also not helping the Mets' cause is a crammed disabled list, featuring Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, Billy Wagner, John Maine, Fernando Nieve, J.J. Putz, Keith Hernandez, Jerry Koosman, Ed Kranepool, Mr. Met, and this guy. Maybe instead of a rally, these fans should be looking into whether or not there are tins of Agent Orange that keep going off in the clubhouse.

And then there's this. MLB.com message board guidelines say that "the posting of e-mail addresses and/or phone numbers of others is prohibited." It's certainly a gray area, since the address and phone numbers are links that anybody could find on the Internet.

Still, this demonstration has "bad idea jeans" written all over it. But who knows, perhaps the rally will be nothing more than a fun time had by all, where friendships are made and stories are told. Unless Luis Castillo forgets to bring the s'mores.

Mets rally at Wilpon residence? Sign up here! [MLB Forums]

The Stars and Stripes, a paper distributed overseas for American military and its families, reports that some members of the U.S. military are buying dirt cheap knockoff MLB, NFL, and NBA merch and sending it stateside so it can be marked up and sold for profit. And for a minute there I thought Steve Nash played for a team called the Nuns.

The reporters became suspicious when they bought a Jim Brown jersey for $15 labeled as "authentic" from a vendor near Camp Casey in Tongduchon, South Korea. And, see, it's totally not the same jersey that sells for $284.99 on NFL Shop. They noted it looked like a Reebok jersey, which sold for $125, which is getting closer to being not at all illegal. And yet ... the tag ... it says ... GASP!

The reporters found discrepancies in the jersey they bought and the unis on NFL Shop, including:

• A logo on the neckline
• Shorter sleeves
• Name on the back
• Jersey has three neckholes

Well, at least the first three are true. A simple Google search shows that Jason Chimera is actually a hockey player.

So, Korean authorities are not going after any particular soldiers involved in any jerseynanigans (loosely translated threat: "just don't do it anymore, m'kay?"), but I wouldn't be surprised if the NFL suspended them for six games apiece.

South Korean Police Put Out Warning Over Fake Pro Sports Jerseys [Stars and Stripes]

AJ will sheep up the place when nobody sends anything wakeup-worthy. Acting as my bad self, I post pictures that my mom took. Yeah!

She was the photographer for a wedding a few weeks ago in Toledo, and between the ceremony and the reception, the wedding party just had to stop at their old high school stadium and play a game of pick-up football. I'm being told that after the day was over, the bride and groom cared only about the pictures from this typical jock matrimony tradition. I guess this means at my wedding, there's going to be a Super Smash Brothers Melee marathon, commemorating the last time in my life I will get to make a decision for myself.

* * * * *

How are you doing today? I'm a girl that loves sports.

Not only did he ghostwrite the MLB.com recap of his own article, but he got the win, hit a homer, and perhaps used some ancient warlock magic to cause Albert Pujols to bobble a ground ball. Ah, the Phoenician stumblus-wumblus incantation. My one weakness. How did you ... kn ... ow ... urrrgh...

In other baseball notes, Pedroia Smurf will not be playing in the All-Star game, as he will be visiting his wife, who's experiencing labor complications, and not the kind that cancelled the 1994 World Series. Carlos "False Tilde" Peña will be taking his place, putting exactly 81 first basemen in the All-Star game. I can't wait to live blog it. OR WILL I?

* * * * *

It's probably time I put down the pen. I've made a terrible mess that only the daytime crew can clean up. Much appreciated for you to have me today. Last one to leave, please feed the llama.

Ideal Houston Chronicle baseball writer Jose de Jesus Ortiz could not believe his eyes, ears, and other sensory organs when a female intern for a Houston media organization was asked out by a married baseball player to go to a club later that night. Ortiz hoped to stop speculation when he said the intern didn't work for the Chronicle and the player didn't play for the Astros. And it worked. End of blog post.

Whoops, no wait, there appear to be some more words. here. The female in question publicly blurted out her new found digits:

[T]he young lady, who has nearly 700 "friends" on Facebook, decided to post this message on her Facebook account for over four hours: "Was asked out by (team name and player name) last night and I have his cell phone number to prove it."

Not much to go on, but this we know: it was a guy. This is not a LESBIAN LOVE AFFAIR story. Regardless, please put on your thinking caps.

We also can presume that, while it wasn't an Astros player, it was someone on a team who played at Houston since McNair's death on July 4, since Ortiz's point was that these two people "didn't learn" from his death. That narrows it down to someone from the Pirates or the Nationals, which brings us to this conclusion: this woman has extremely low standards.

So I suppose if someone cared enough, they could filter out all those players and get a list of wedding banded hands. I am unsure how to rule Jose Tabata's marital status.

McNair's Death Not A Lesson To One Idiot [Houston Chronicle]

Thousands of albums by the Bee Gees and ... well, the Bee Gees, were put into a bin and were carefully, thoughtfully, bombed into a cloud of vinyl confetti. The masses, not satisfied with the damage done, decided to dance the night away in the outfield.

Many say the embarrassing event, which led to the White Sox forfeiting the second game, helped truly end disco in America.

So here we are, in 2009. We had an entire decade of terrible new habits. Let's suppose — I know, this is already more thinking than normally requisitioned on a Sunday — we had the chance to destroy some terrible tangible objects that represented bad ideals. Here are some candidates and their rationales:

• Newspapers (the antithesis of innovation)
• Twilight novels (which would be the first book-burning event intelligent people would endorse)
• Axe body spray (although I think setting that abomination on fire would probably cause a biohazard)
• Taco Bell food (this one's convenient, because it's the food that explodes on its own)

Those are all fine choices, but if we really need to burn something to end the decade, let it be Crocs. It hasn't been a fantastic decade for many, but if society can collectively rise up and denounce horrible footwear, then perhaps it can give the rest of us hope for a better tomorrow.

Today, we'll look at the eight boss robots from Mega Man II.

Metal Man
Dislikes dogs (rules out: Joey Porter)
The first person you beat (possibly: Corey Patterson)
Throws nowhere near his target (conclusion: Tarvaris Jackson)

Quick Man
As the name implies, is speedy (rules out: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.)
Carries a boomerang wherever he goes (possibly: Andrew Bogut)
Really fast and overbearing (conclusion: Chad Ochocinco)

Flash Man
Likes cameras (rules out: Tiger Woods)
Causes people to abruptly stop moving (possibly: Bruce Bowen)
Lives in a world full of crystals (conclusion: Jeremy Mayfield)

Wood Man
Made of wood, and therefore buoyant (rules out: Bison Dele)
Lives in a tree (possibly: Darren Pang)
Round, surrounded by powerful leaves (conclusion: Nate Newton)

Air Man
Can fly (rules out: Knute Rockne)
Has a really big fan (possibly: Shawn Johnson)
Mostly blows air (conclusion: Curt Schilling)

Heat Man
Hot (rules out: Shelden Williams)
Lives in a warm, underground climate (possibly: Ty Cobb)
Has an orange face (conclusion: Alex Rodriguez)

Crash Man
Has dangerous hands (rules out: Jose Canseco)
Wears a hard helmet (possibly: John Olerud)
Explosive (conclusion: Todd Stottlemyre)

Bubble Man
Swims fast (rules out: Terrell Owens)
Always wears a sanitary surgical mask, fearing infection (possibly: Darren Daulton)
Immobile when the temperature is below freezing (conclusion: Peyton Manning)

Amanda Rodrigues, Gatti's 23-year-old wife, must've mixed up her words with the police, because they're ready to formally accuse her of the murder. They found a bloody purse strap in the hotel room where he was strangled, and once Rodrigues had trouble explaining how she was in the room for 10 hours without knowing he was dead, suspicion was thoroughly aroused. For the next time someone has to explain themselves, might I recommend the following alibis:

• I blacked out and/or had amnesia
• I was engrossed in a World of Warcraft raid
• I was busy murdering someone else
• I was visited by a leaping Scott Bakula

They were on a second honeymoon, but Gatti's friend Acelino Freitas said that Gatti and his wife were about to separate. Well, that's one way to do it.

Once Gatti is laid to rest, here's some advice for those playboy former superstars. If you're not seeing eye to eye with your special lady, stay as far away from her as possible for a while.

Police detain wife of former boxing champion Gatti [AP]
Arturo Gatti found dead on second honeymoon in Brazil [NY Daily News]
Arturo Gatti's Wife Appears To Be Murder Suspect [Boxing Scene]