Or maybe he's just fine with standing on the podium. Right now he's third, about five minutes and change behind Contador, who kept the lead after the last competitive leg of the race. Usually on the final stage to Paris, cyclists clink champagne classes and play Axis & Allies amongst one another as they pedal to the finish.

The pride Armstrong carries is by no means a secret, but he seems to be content, this year, to be part of a team that includes a champion. At least until next year, when Armstrong slips some extra testosterone into his teammate's bottle of Evian. That'll teach him who beat cancer!

Garate Takes Tour Stage; Contador Virtually Seals Win [Bloomberg]
Chugging Along, His Ego in Tow [New York Times]

* * * * *

Boy, these days sure are dull when athletes stay alive and privacy isn't invaded. There's nothing left to do but buy a foam Wii baseball bat and try to re-live lost childhood moments. Enjoy the textual orgasm of Cohen, Daulerio, And Associates tomorrow. Rinse.

The four teens are accused of stealing a cash box from wee little lasses, ages 9 and 11, at a public pool who were selling patriotic hats and t-shirts to help raise money for their dad's struggling business, an embroidering company.

Here's how it went down: Girl #1 flashed a $20 and acted as if she was going to buy something, but then quickly yanked the box of money from the girls and ran away. Girl #2 held the door open for Girl #1 to help facilitate the pilfery. Girls #3 and #4 were in the idling getaway car, a Ford Taurus — the kind you see in all those bank heist movies — probably listening to music you don't like.

You know the scheme, now meet the team:

Chelsea Alexa Steele, 17 (the cheerleader)
Katie Leathers, 18 (she's still held in Cobb County Jail as we type)
Alexa Michalski, 18 (the muscle)
Miss Not Appearing In This Blog Post, 16

Ms. Steele was first apprehended earlier this month when the father, Joe Greene, did some amateur sleuthing and recognized one of the girls from Facebook and the high school's cheerleading website. Once she couldn't keep her story straight, the other three ladies were charged yesterday.

My favorite bit of pandering to the sentimental reader was the mention of one of Greene's daughters' friends being bound by a wheelchair. So these Plastics stole money not just from children, but from handicapped children!

The lesson here is, I think, not that all cheerleaders are selfish, just most of them.

Cheerleader's friends charged [AJC]
TEEN GIRL SQUAD!

The Jays wanted J.A. Happ, Kyle Drabek, and Dominic Brown. The Phillies were all, "no way!" And the Jays were all, "way!" And the Phillies were all, "Nuh-uh!" And the Jays were all "Aww." I'm pretty sure those are standard trade operating procedures.

Is It Possible To Will A Trade Rumor Out Of Existence? There's some kind of information going around the the Detroit Tigers want to trade for Milton Bradley. I'm guessing it's part of the Tigers' new philosophy: "Trade for Farnsworth twice, shame on us, Trade for Farnsworth three times, shame on humanity."

Holy crap, the Tigers do not need another outfielder. Unless, of course, he's secretly a fantastic setup man. And perhaps the rumor is just a load of fertilizer, as the Tribune says there've been no talks between the teams. Phew.

The Mets Are More Than Willing To Part With Victor Zambrano For Him. Scott Kazmir might go to the Angels, who are looking for some kind of starting pitcher. They might also try to lure in Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay.

Actually, everyone wants Roy Halladay. I want Roy Halladay on my baseball team, which I am starting right now. I'd like 25 All-Stars, public funding for a stadium, and some kind of cool logo, please.

There. Baseball news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend hijinks involving references to Crystalis and Gauntlet.

The California Kid, Nate Montana, is going to enroll in Pasadena City College and play for one year, before transferring back to Notre Dame and try to compete for the starting quarterback job in 2010. Pasadena City College? I think UND plays them next year.

In case anyone thinks there's some kind of funny business goin' on with the heralded quarterback, Nate is here to put any of those rumors to bed. (There were rumors?)

I'm going there with the intention of getting playing time and then returning to Notre Dame in the spring to join back up with the team and compete again for the job ... Nothing's ever certain. That's a long way down the road, and I guess we'll just have to see where things go ... I don't have any academic problems or personal deals, it's purely for the experience of getting some time under center.

Just say it, son. You don't want to constantly live in your father's shadow. You want to stay at home for a year, do your thing, and then take a crack at the ol' big time school. It's the Carlton Banks Success Plan. I mean, look at him now! Actually ... whatever happened to him?

It's not just "some community college" he's choosing instead of Charlie Weis' fantastic program. The Pasadena City College Lancers have won five national titles, the most recent being 1977. Notable NFL alumni include Browns defensive lineman Jerome Harrison, and there've been dozens of famous PCC grads, such as singer/songwriter William Hung, fashion model Nick Nolte, and gay rights activist Fred Phelps.

Montana Headed To Junior College [South Bend Tribune]

On an MLB.com message board, fans are trying to organize a "peaceful rally" at the home of Mets COO Jeffrey Wilpon and his wife. This will ultimately prove ... something. I think it's, "get an unlisted number, you cads!"

Hey, it's not lookin' good for the team. The Mets are 10½ games behind the Phillies and 7½ away from a potential wild card berth. Their payroll is second highest in baseball, behind those other guys in New York. Also not helping the Mets' cause is a crammed disabled list, featuring Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, Billy Wagner, John Maine, Fernando Nieve, J.J. Putz, Keith Hernandez, Jerry Koosman, Ed Kranepool, Mr. Met, and this guy. Maybe instead of a rally, these fans should be looking into whether or not there are tins of Agent Orange that keep going off in the clubhouse.

And then there's this. MLB.com message board guidelines say that "the posting of e-mail addresses and/or phone numbers of others is prohibited." It's certainly a gray area, since the address and phone numbers are links that anybody could find on the Internet.

Still, this demonstration has "bad idea jeans" written all over it. But who knows, perhaps the rally will be nothing more than a fun time had by all, where friendships are made and stories are told. Unless Luis Castillo forgets to bring the s'mores.

Mets rally at Wilpon residence? Sign up here! [MLB Forums]

The Stars and Stripes, a paper distributed overseas for American military and its families, reports that some members of the U.S. military are buying dirt cheap knockoff MLB, NFL, and NBA merch and sending it stateside so it can be marked up and sold for profit. And for a minute there I thought Steve Nash played for a team called the Nuns.

The reporters became suspicious when they bought a Jim Brown jersey for $15 labeled as "authentic" from a vendor near Camp Casey in Tongduchon, South Korea. And, see, it's totally not the same jersey that sells for $284.99 on NFL Shop. They noted it looked like a Reebok jersey, which sold for $125, which is getting closer to being not at all illegal. And yet ... the tag ... it says ... GASP!

The reporters found discrepancies in the jersey they bought and the unis on NFL Shop, including:

• A logo on the neckline
• Shorter sleeves
• Name on the back
• Jersey has three neckholes

Well, at least the first three are true. A simple Google search shows that Jason Chimera is actually a hockey player.

So, Korean authorities are not going after any particular soldiers involved in any jerseynanigans (loosely translated threat: "just don't do it anymore, m'kay?"), but I wouldn't be surprised if the NFL suspended them for six games apiece.

South Korean Police Put Out Warning Over Fake Pro Sports Jerseys [Stars and Stripes]

AJ will sheep up the place when nobody sends anything wakeup-worthy. Acting as my bad self, I post pictures that my mom took. Yeah!

She was the photographer for a wedding a few weeks ago in Toledo, and between the ceremony and the reception, the wedding party just had to stop at their old high school stadium and play a game of pick-up football. I'm being told that after the day was over, the bride and groom cared only about the pictures from this typical jock matrimony tradition. I guess this means at my wedding, there's going to be a Super Smash Brothers Melee marathon, commemorating the last time in my life I will get to make a decision for myself.

* * * * *

How are you doing today? I'm a girl that loves sports.

Not only did he ghostwrite the MLB.com recap of his own article, but he got the win, hit a homer, and perhaps used some ancient warlock magic to cause Albert Pujols to bobble a ground ball. Ah, the Phoenician stumblus-wumblus incantation. My one weakness. How did you ... kn ... ow ... urrrgh...

In other baseball notes, Pedroia Smurf will not be playing in the All-Star game, as he will be visiting his wife, who's experiencing labor complications, and not the kind that cancelled the 1994 World Series. Carlos "False Tilde" Peña will be taking his place, putting exactly 81 first basemen in the All-Star game. I can't wait to live blog it. OR WILL I?

* * * * *

It's probably time I put down the pen. I've made a terrible mess that only the daytime crew can clean up. Much appreciated for you to have me today. Last one to leave, please feed the llama.

Ideal Houston Chronicle baseball writer Jose de Jesus Ortiz could not believe his eyes, ears, and other sensory organs when a female intern for a Houston media organization was asked out by a married baseball player to go to a club later that night. Ortiz hoped to stop speculation when he said the intern didn't work for the Chronicle and the player didn't play for the Astros. And it worked. End of blog post.

Whoops, no wait, there appear to be some more words. here. The female in question publicly blurted out her new found digits:

[T]he young lady, who has nearly 700 "friends" on Facebook, decided to post this message on her Facebook account for over four hours: "Was asked out by (team name and player name) last night and I have his cell phone number to prove it."

Not much to go on, but this we know: it was a guy. This is not a LESBIAN LOVE AFFAIR story. Regardless, please put on your thinking caps.

We also can presume that, while it wasn't an Astros player, it was someone on a team who played at Houston since McNair's death on July 4, since Ortiz's point was that these two people "didn't learn" from his death. That narrows it down to someone from the Pirates or the Nationals, which brings us to this conclusion: this woman has extremely low standards.

So I suppose if someone cared enough, they could filter out all those players and get a list of wedding banded hands. I am unsure how to rule Jose Tabata's marital status.

McNair's Death Not A Lesson To One Idiot [Houston Chronicle]

Thousands of albums by the Bee Gees and ... well, the Bee Gees, were put into a bin and were carefully, thoughtfully, bombed into a cloud of vinyl confetti. The masses, not satisfied with the damage done, decided to dance the night away in the outfield.

Many say the embarrassing event, which led to the White Sox forfeiting the second game, helped truly end disco in America.

So here we are, in 2009. We had an entire decade of terrible new habits. Let's suppose — I know, this is already more thinking than normally requisitioned on a Sunday — we had the chance to destroy some terrible tangible objects that represented bad ideals. Here are some candidates and their rationales:

• Newspapers (the antithesis of innovation)
• Twilight novels (which would be the first book-burning event intelligent people would endorse)
• Axe body spray (although I think setting that abomination on fire would probably cause a biohazard)
• Taco Bell food (this one's convenient, because it's the food that explodes on its own)

Those are all fine choices, but if we really need to burn something to end the decade, let it be Crocs. It hasn't been a fantastic decade for many, but if society can collectively rise up and denounce horrible footwear, then perhaps it can give the rest of us hope for a better tomorrow.

Today, we'll look at the eight boss robots from Mega Man II.

Metal Man
Dislikes dogs (rules out: Joey Porter)
The first person you beat (possibly: Corey Patterson)
Throws nowhere near his target (conclusion: Tarvaris Jackson)

Quick Man
As the name implies, is speedy (rules out: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.)
Carries a boomerang wherever he goes (possibly: Andrew Bogut)
Really fast and overbearing (conclusion: Chad Ochocinco)

Flash Man
Likes cameras (rules out: Tiger Woods)
Causes people to abruptly stop moving (possibly: Bruce Bowen)
Lives in a world full of crystals (conclusion: Jeremy Mayfield)

Wood Man
Made of wood, and therefore buoyant (rules out: Bison Dele)
Lives in a tree (possibly: Darren Pang)
Round, surrounded by powerful leaves (conclusion: Nate Newton)

Air Man
Can fly (rules out: Knute Rockne)
Has a really big fan (possibly: Shawn Johnson)
Mostly blows air (conclusion: Curt Schilling)

Heat Man
Hot (rules out: Shelden Williams)
Lives in a warm, underground climate (possibly: Ty Cobb)
Has an orange face (conclusion: Alex Rodriguez)

Crash Man
Has dangerous hands (rules out: Jose Canseco)
Wears a hard helmet (possibly: John Olerud)
Explosive (conclusion: Todd Stottlemyre)

Bubble Man
Swims fast (rules out: Terrell Owens)
Always wears a sanitary surgical mask, fearing infection (possibly: Darren Daulton)
Immobile when the temperature is below freezing (conclusion: Peyton Manning)

Amanda Rodrigues, Gatti's 23-year-old wife, must've mixed up her words with the police, because they're ready to formally accuse her of the murder. They found a bloody purse strap in the hotel room where he was strangled, and once Rodrigues had trouble explaining how she was in the room for 10 hours without knowing he was dead, suspicion was thoroughly aroused. For the next time someone has to explain themselves, might I recommend the following alibis:

• I blacked out and/or had amnesia
• I was engrossed in a World of Warcraft raid
• I was busy murdering someone else
• I was visited by a leaping Scott Bakula

They were on a second honeymoon, but Gatti's friend Acelino Freitas said that Gatti and his wife were about to separate. Well, that's one way to do it.

Once Gatti is laid to rest, here's some advice for those playboy former superstars. If you're not seeing eye to eye with your special lady, stay as far away from her as possible for a while.

Police detain wife of former boxing champion Gatti [AP]
Arturo Gatti found dead on second honeymoon in Brazil [NY Daily News]
Arturo Gatti's Wife Appears To Be Murder Suspect [Boxing Scene]

So, not being one to fall behind on today's hip happenin' trends, I turned it on. And let me tell ya, I don't know what the big deal was. All the view was obfuscated by the letters "SORRY, THIS CHANNEL IS NOT AVAILABLE." I was later informed that you have to pay money to see this event, because it is important. I then inquired why such a huge event in a sport trying to constantly prove itself to the mainstream isn't available for free. The dog had no idea.

I really want to formulate some kind of thoughts on the sport — and I'm sure others out there are curious too — but, c'mon, I don't have that channel. Especially as a guy who has to keep a site like this warm on the weekends, it's beneficial to be at least competent in boxing and MMA and the Premier League. But I'm not going to spend another $30 a month to get certain premium soccer channels or spend ... really? Just 55 bucks for the fights in HD? Depending on where you live, that could be 11 minor league baseball games. Or 70 Taco Bell tacos.

Were the Super Bowl to be aired on pay-per-view, the live blog of it would be much less descriptive. All the sports websites would still be talking about it, and you'd feel left out, too. So I understand how MMA is ever-proving to everyone that it's legitimate entertainment and how far they've come, but ... um, would ya mind showing the rest of us cheapskates? If not, then I'll be damned if I ever have the desire to write about the sport anymore.

They didn't create Wimbledon or the French Open with Americans in mind. Their tournament finals happen to fall during the hours when most Americans are just waking up in tepid puddles of bodily fluid (preferably one's own, although we can't all be so fortunate).

When creative Reuters photographer Petr Josek decided to snap Argentinian Davis Cup player Juan Monaco through a mirror, he thought he was being artistic. Instead, he's just screwing with all our heads. Also, Juan Monaco? That's gotta be a fake name. Probably testified in a murder trial.

Buenos nachos, chimichangas. I'm feeling extra frisky this morning. Don't star someone within 30 minutes of eating.

* * * *

Imagine if the Washington Nationals, née Expos, reached the playoffs. (A stretch, but stay with me here.) Now imagine Montreal getting invaded, bombed, and torn asunder by terrorism and American troops. Imagine Miss South Carolina mentioning Montreal during a pageant. Okay, then you might have a comparative situation on your hands. That's roughly what the Iraq soccer team — who won the Asian Cup two years ago, making them eligible to play in the 2009 Confederations Cup — went through. They practiced outside of the country, while terrorists were plotting against them.

"A lot of the players were under threat of kidnap or assassination," explained [British journalist James] Montague. "On the one hand, you had players who played abroad in Qatar, so they were worth money to their families, and they became targets of criminals and extortion.

"Terrorist groups would also target players because their victory was a nationalistic symbol; it was a unifying force, which both al-Qaeda and more separatist Shia elements and Kurdish elements were against."

Their head coach has taken five other countries to the World Cup, including the United States. Four of those teams advanced beyond pool play. This team — a mix of Shia, Sunni, and Kurdish players — has no chance of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup, sadly, so they're playing for pride, respect, and perhaps a Disney movie.

They are a hundred-to-one shot, doc, to win the tournament. Only New Zealand has steeper odds. And whaddya know, Iraq is in the same pool with the Kiwis, along with Spain (yikes) and South Africa, whom they play against in their first match tomorrow. At least I think it's tomorrow. Because it's hosted in South Africa, it may have already happened this morning.

The US troops may have given them democracy, but if they also gave them soccer advice, expect Iraq's time in the tournament to be brief.

Iraqi team a beacon of hope and possibility [CBC]
Milutinovic, Soccer's Happy Nomad, Has Deadly Serious Job in Iraq [New York Times]

* * * * *

This has been a Deadspin Saturday production, sponsored by Colon Blow. Be courteous to your editor tomorrow.

So that's two years in a row that Hossa came ohsoclose to hoisting the Stanley Cup instead of his own petard doing likewise to him. Looking today, on June 13, it looks really foolish for Hossa to have gone from one team to the other.

As TSB's Adam Jacobi mentioned, Hossa did make the correct before-June-12 decision to sign with the best team with the best chance. The sequence of events made the team switch look really bad, but here's one thing to keep in perspective:

Four months. That's how long Hossa played for the Penguins. For years he played for the Ottawa Senators and Atlanta Thrashers, but he was a Penguin for four months. This wasn't a Johnny Damon situation where a longstanding fan favorite switched teams. This is more like a CC Sabathia situation, where players with lots of talent like signing with historically legendary teams. Or perhaps a Joe Lieberman situation. You mean you WERE a Democrat?

It wasn't a horrible move on June 13, either. An optimist would say that Hossa played with two teams in two years, both who reached the Stanley Cup Finals. But the decision, as of June 13, was probably a top three reason the series went the way it did, with the other reasons being the Red Wings injuries finally affecting the veteran players, and Marc-Andre Fleury using his limbs to block shots, rather than score them. Hossa did very little in the Stanley Cup, which means that perhaps signing with Pittsburgh would have helped Detroit repeat. Perhaps the Red Wings would do themselves well to trade Brad Stuart to Pittsburgh.

And he wasn't the only one to crossed Red Rover battle lines. How soon do we forget that backup goaltender Ty Conklin played for the Penguins last year? How about good luck charm Muhammad Ali being negated by the star of Twilight in attendance? And what of that Qdoba burrito that brought BGSU graduate and Penguins coach Dan Bylsma great fortune? Would Deadspin commenters agree* it's the best one available?

Requiem For A Marian Hossa [The Sporting Blog]
Is Ty Conklin Lucky Or Cursed? [FanHouse]
Muhammad Ali leads celebrity contingent at the Joe [Detroit Free Press]
Bylsma Brings Lucky Burrito To Detroit [Puck Daddy]

* - Of course not, because nobody comments on Deadspin anymore.

No, not the players. The players were cool. The whole audience was ejected. It's the kind of unprecedented tomfoolery that can happen only in West Burlington, Iowa.

Up 11-3, Winfield-Mount Union's manager Scott McCarty was fuming over a fair-foul call in the fifth inning. One thing led to another, people said words they weren't proud of, and umpire Don Briggs decided to toss the entire cranky crowd of about 100. When people wouldn't leave, he called the police to assist in the dispersal of the whinin' Iowans.

"I know it sounds like I'm the bad guy - but it was the crowd," Briggs said. "If I got the control to ask one person to leave, I feel like I can ask them all to leave."

Remember, Winfield-Mount Union was up 11-3 at this point.

After a long delay, the superintendent made a housecall to the ballpark and convinced the umpire to ease up, man, it's just a baseball game. After the delay, West Burlington made a fantastic two-inning rally, scoring nine runs to win 12-11.

So let this be your lesson, Scott McCarty. When you have a comfortable lead, don't change the complexion of the game by arguing a call with an eight-run lead, cause a community stir that brings the freakin' superintendent to the premises, then have your team watch the instructional video Poppin' Flies With Luis Castillo.

High school umpire tells entire crowd: You're out! [Des Moines Register]

That was, of course, the year the Rams won the Super Bowl with some other guy, and eventually the Pete Best of football went elsewhere. After a whirlwind of teams and head traumata, Green found himself back in St. Louis, playing just a little quarterback for the Rams in 2008 while Marc Bulger regained his ability to not be frightened at the thought of a defensive blitz. Once someone in the Rams front office noticed he was still on the roster, they released him in February, and he made the announcement last night that he's done. What, no one-year Raiders contract?

That has to be quite a cathartic career. He accomplished quite a lot for a football player, and yet he's always going to be known for that torn ACL in 1999, ensuring Kurt Warner would never have to bag another grocery ever ... unless he shopped at Aldi. Green may have thrown for tons of yards and even made the Pro Bowl, but how many MVPs and Super Bowl starts has he had compared to Kurt Warner? Moreover, how fair is it to weigh Warner's career against Green's? Of course it's unfair, and yet I just made that comparison. Think about that.

Green says he wants to pursue a career in broadcasting, something every concussed quarterback wants to do, because they know nothing else than to be the center of football attention by any means necessary. He'll do a satisfactory job, as he always does, until such a day in which Green contracts bronchitis, can't talk, and needs Kurt Warner to perform emergency football analysis.

Former Chiefs QB Green Retires [Kansas City Star]

How about a disagreement between a player and a coach? Well, yes, that might liven things up. There they are, head-to-head, expressing their opposing viewpoints quite brilliantly, and there's the contact ... oh, my. That was a brilliant finish.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that one. Did each of them apply nonlethal doses of Valium to their foreheads?

Afterwards, two free throws were awarded to LeBron James.

Double Headbutt TKO [FanDome]

But Alex Rodriguez's pop up was handled ... poorly. The dropsy enabled A-Rod to pull off the rare walk off pop fly against the Mets, 9-8. And you really have to feel for the guy, because that could've been any one of us back in grade school, when boys were boys and men were living vicariously through those boys.

It could've been you, standing in right field, not quite sure why you're playing baseball in the first place. A ball might be hit in your direction, but not right at you, causing you to run. In a flash, the ball gets by you. And since this is little kid's baseball, there is no back fence, so that thing just rolls forever. Parents everywhere are yelling "RUN! RUN! RUN!" Some of them are for the kid that's going to hit the inevitable home run. Some of them are your parents and your coaches. "Run! Run as hard as you can! C'mon!" I am running as fast as I can, coach! Maybe you should worry about your son not growing up to be a drain on society! The ball stops. You turn around and throw it back to the infield, but by then, the other kid has already reached home plate and is celebrating. That was the first batter of the game. The entire opposing team is now aware of the benefit of hitting it to right field.

Game 2 of the Subway Series is tonight, Andy Pettitte vs. Fernando Nieve. Should be entertaining!

Luis Castillo and Mets let it go down the tubes at Stadium [New York Daily News]

Okay, everyone undershot their answer. There are actually TWO times we care about swimming news:

(1) The Olympics

(2) If Michael Phelps grows that.

This wouldn't be a full-service sports blog if I omitted that the well-sculpted merman and American won the 200-meter butterfly at the Santa Clara Grand Prix last night with an impressive time of aw crap I already lost everyone's attention again.

Pool Manchu [Gawker]

* * * * *

So it's just you and me today. And that guy over there, who seems like he slept here last night. Just ignore him, even if he asks for spare change. We've got a lot of space to fill from now until the basketball game Enchantment Under The Sea Dance tonight, and I have a massive horde of word plays I've been saving for you guys. Show me your tips, and I'll find some beads for you in return. For those about to blog... FIRE!

Well, who the hell knows. But it seems like any league's solution to getting more revenue dollars is to move up their event a few hours. The 2009 World Series games, for example, will begin at 1 a.m.

Some factors of the NFL Draft I've never been a fan of:

• Suspense diffused by the No. 1 pick being signed before Draft Day
• Suspense diffused by players behind the scenes on cell phones
• Players in attendance behind the stage

So here's how you solve it. Randomize the draft order in the mold of the NBA lottery. HOWEVER. Do it the day of the draft. This causes teams to react and adapt, just like they do in football games. Perhaps have general managers draw straws. Or play Price is Right pricing games. (How much was Aaron Curry's leather suit?)

Next, have the prospective draft picks sit in the front rows, like they do in award shows. Don't hide them from the world. Then, have a host. Someone like Dane Cook Ryan Seacrest Seth Rogen Jimmy Kimmel okay, never mind about the host.

Start the draft at 10 a.m. That way, in the event that the first few picks are still predictable, people are waking up for the surprises and, by the time nobody cares anymore, they still have the afternoon to kill.

Finally, add to the gravitas of the day by booking James Earl Jones to announce the draft picks. Man, what a voice. Dude could recite the minutes of Ypsilanti, Michigan's city council meeting and I'd be hooked.

This concludes the daily broadcast of Deadspin The Sports Blog. It's been as fun as it ever was. And now for something smooth and refreshing. You've earned it.

7:30 — Evander Hood. DT. Steelers. I've run out of name puns.

Which is fortunate, because this live blog is fini.

7:27 — Wha? What's going on? Oh, it appears a puddle of drool formed on its own. It appears Chris "Beaneater" Wells is now playing for the Arizona Cardinals.

7:18 — Wideouts! Get your wideouts! Kenny Britt goes to the Titans, because he sounds like a guy that Nashville would love and put on a morning radio show.

7:09 — It's the Giant's turn. Hakeem Nicks will be their guy to forget about Plaxico Burress. AND THIS PLACE IS BUMPIN'! Especially that huge painted up Giants fan in the front row. Tom Coughlin's face is red with excitement. Or anger. Or perhaps marinara sauce.

7:04 — The Bills get clockin'. They go with ... Eric Wood. But then again, he wouldn't.

7:01 — Now the Colts get to select someone. Donald Brown. Donald Brown. He's a clown. Donald Brown.

6:59 — And now for a brief timeout on the podium, to take some time to thank the men and women in the armed forces. Touching, if not completely random. BACK TO THE BIG BOARD.

6:55 — Another trade and pick and zzzzzzzz....

6:48 — Cornerback Vontae Davis gets taken by the Dolphins, giving them someone with opposable thumbs.

6:46 — As the NFLN comes back from commercial, they pan into the guys at the table, but you can also see the ESPN table off to the side. I wonder if, between picks, John Gruden and Keyshawn Johnson make lewd faces at each other, or at the very least, do the head squishing thing.

6:42 — The Falcons select Ole Miss defensive tackle Peria Jerry with the 24th pick, which means we've reached the point in the draft in which the casual fan affirms that he knows shit about college football anymore. All anyone wants to know from here on out:

• Quarterbacks selected
• Running backs selected
• The first kicker selected
• Players from "their" school selected
• If there's anything else on TV
• No there is nothing else on TV
• And how long of a nap is too long

6:40 — Michael Oher, standing on the podium with his family: "you mean I'm gonna stay this color?"

6:36 — The Ravens pick Michael Oher. Great pick. With our next ... oh, wait, that's right, we invited Oher to this whole thing. [sigh] All right, bring him out h... MICHAEL! Congratulations! You have a bright future in this league! Here, hold this. Smile. Now pretend I'm your offensive coordinator and MOVE MOVE MOVE THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

6:35 — The Patriots select ... someone else's draft pick. There have been enough anticlimactic trades in this first round to fill an entire key party.

6:29 — The Vikings select wide receiver Percy Harvin. Expect him to be the starting quarterback next year.

6:27 — Wait, a football player? What the fuck are the Browns going to do with that?

6:22 — Fantastic banter leading to commercial on NFLN. "I love what they're doing." "Who?" [ad]

6:20 — The Lions' second first-round pick is ... Matthew Stafford, quarterback, Georgia. Great need pick. It's quite daring to draft someone twice, but I admire the courage and innovation. I'd have gone with tight end Brandon Pettigrew myself, but that's why I'm sitting here.

6:19 — Eisen asks Goodell about tweeting. "Someone explain this to me." YOU WERE JUST DOING IT.

6:13 — Donovan McNabb gets someone to throw to! That should be open and stjuff! The Eagles trade for the Browns' 19th pick and take Jeremy Maclin. What is this fancy theory Philly's trying to pull off? Wide receivers? That'll never work.

6:11 — You know, I'm about to believe nobody from the Browns is actually in the building.

6:07 — I'm concerned that the Broncos are palling around with Robert Ayers. Josh McDaniels is a terrorist.

6:06 — Also how many people did they invite to the NFL Draft? The green room turned into a goddamn clown car.

6:05 — God, these NFL prospects are just like us. They are always on their cell phones and watching TV. There is a disparity of empty pizza boxes, however. (Also, they're talking to girls.)

6:01 — The Bucs claim one fourth of a back in Josh Freeman I'm going to defer to my Blogcritics colleague Jay Skipworth on this pick (who, ahem, is doing what I'm doing right now. Read both.) He's not impressed with Freeman, noting the number of balls he bounces in front of his receivers. "He's got a curveball better than Doug Drabek." He's scheduled to pitch next Thursday for the Rays.

6:00 — Tampa's gonna pick someone. Hey Gruden, who are you going to ... I mean, wait, what are you doing up here with the NFL Network anchors? You ... you got FIRED!? Oh man, I am so sorry, we had no idea.

5:57 — KEEP TRADING DOWN! The Browns, with the pick they got from the Jets, trade it again, this time to Tampa Bay. At this rate, the Browns will hoard all the picks for the 2012 NFL Draft. A shrewd move by Mark Mangini.

5:55 — The Browns biological clock is also ticking. It's probably best for no young male to get involved with them right now.

5:52 — MID. AMERICAN. CONFERENCE. Larry English will fill the "NIU alum" void on the Chargers created when Michael Turner left for Atlanta. I just wish I'd heard of him before today.

5:46 — The Houston Texans are able to look past things like ponytails in order to draft linebacker Brian Cushing.

5:41 — The Saints will opt for cornerback Malcolm Jenkins. He's a proven performer. The Saints should do quite well in World of Warcraft raids next season.

5:34 — The Redskins draft Brian Orakpo, a defensive end. I'm sure Redskins fans are livid about this pick, because that's just how they're programmed to feel.

5:32 — Reeling from his loss in the Name of the Year tournament, Knowshon Moreno becomes the latest running back for the Denver Broncos. Tremendous value pick. Moreno has his own space shuttle.

5:28 — The Bills quickly get to business and take defensive end Aaron Maybin. Great need pick. Terrell Owens needed someone to blame when the team starts 2-5.

5:26 — Crabtree: "I can't wait to learn anything from anybody." I believe that's called the Wikipedia Methodology of Football Tutelage.

5:25 — How's the ESPN coverage? Did Berman get through the entire Eagles discography yet?

5:22 — There we have it. Michael Crabtree gets swiped up by the 49ers at the No. 10 selection. Now it's time to vacuum the green room and clear the tables, because the national Apples to Apples championship will be taking place there.

5:15 — The Packers make their pick. Whoa, the dude from Johnny Quest? Did they really need someone with a turban? Sounds like a value pick. Oh ... B.J. Raji. Looks like my TV needs some tuning.

5:14 — I tell ya, when sports executives write on Twitter they sound like absolute retards:

eugene says it's unreal. just unreal

Ain't that the truth.

5:11 — Eugene Monroe lined his socks with bacon. I immediately like his pro potential.

5:09 — Three minutes later, Eugene Monroe finally goes up to the stage. Here's what happened between the announcement and him taking the stage:

5:07 — The Jag-yoo-ars call dibs on O-tackle Eugene Monroe. Good "need" pick, as they say in the draftology business. They needed someone to give Maurice Jones-Drew piggyback rides during practice.

5:01 — NFL Network coverage is extremely more tolerable. The normally brain-exploding Deion Sanders seems reserved as the field reporter. Rich Eisen has aged well. If I were a batshit insane news anchor, I'd totally want to do him.

4:57 — The Raiders can plant their Crabtree! But no, they'll instead go with ... um, Darrius Heyward-Bey. This couldn't have worked out better for Heyward-Bey. This also couldn't have worked out better for Michael Crabtree, who doesn't have to play in Oakland.

4:51 — The Bengals take ... Jigglystuff! Carson Palmer no longer has to block for himself by throwing the ball into the blitzer's crotch.

And the Jets home crowd is joyous with joy. With Brett Favre out of the pictures, leaving a quarterback void consisting of Kellen Clemens and a third century trebuchet, they are now fully equipped with a new QB, a new coach, and a new found sense of happiness. The end.

(If everybody hates this format, I'm more than willing to go bingo-free live blog style.)

Seattle Seahawks? Hey. Um ... HEY! [pokes with stick] Your turn!

Here's hoping the Rams took the football one. Or the gyno. You never know when those guys come in handy.