STime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering gay royalty, Russian roulette, football-induced cancer, and more.
I have new neighbors moving in this week. New neighbor anxiety is a vast and complex kind of tension. There is good tension: They could be nice! They could be attractive and like being naked with the blinds open! And there is bad tension: They could be rednecks! Or child molesters! Or redneck child molesters! The possibilities are really endless. I've got my eyes on you, new neighbors. If you're Russian double agents, I WILL find out.
What TV show has been fapped to the most? Leaving out HBO and other premium cable channels and after tossing it around with some friends, someone threw out Charlie's Angels, another one said Three's Company, but then the magic title was uttered: Baywatch. That has to be it, right?
Given its popularity abroad, I can't imagine any other choice. It was syndicated in 148 countries. That's a veritable UN of horny middle-aged men watching that show with their pants around their ankles. I bet the top 10 masturbated-to shows are all Baywatch knockoffs of some sort: Baywatch Nights, She Spies, Xena, etc. And the fact that the Internet now exists means that the show's unofficial record is likely to remain untouched. What hope does NCIS have to beat it? That phony goth chick does NOTHING for me.
Now, I say all this while confessing that I never used Baywatch as fap material as a kid. Most of the woman on that show (Pam Anderson, Erika Eleniak) were fully naked in other places, and so the show, for me, was kind of a letdown because it concealed shit I had already seen. Married With Children? Now there was a show that I abused myself to. Every time Kelly wore a tight skirt (every episode!) or any time Bud brought home a skank (every episode!) or every time Al daydreamed about being surrounded by skanks (every episode!), I was at the ready. Here are a few more unsung shows in that area:
- The Price is Right
- Any late night talk show where an actress guest wore a skirt
- SNL. There's an old sketch called "Don't Hitchhike" where Tim Kazurinsky gets into a car with a woman who starts slowly undressing. Really solid sketch for pubescent needs.
- Dial MTV
- Murder, She Wrote
If we're including HBO and Showtime, then obviously shows like Real Sex and Red Shoe Diaries wreak havoc on our little record book. I, for one, am deeply ashamed of all the time I watched Dream On pantsless. You know how fucking annoying that show was? It wasn't worth it.
What happens if Prince George is gay? Is he able to come out? Will the royal family let him marry a man? I don't know how things are in England but I assume their equal rights movement is trending similarly to ours and basically anyone under 80 will be okay with it by that time. Do you think George will be able to safely come out when he's an adult? Or will he be forced to marry a woman and carry on super-secret relationships with men while the palace turns a blind eye?
I think the Queen would likely be dead by the time Prince George would be ready to come out, making life easier for all parties involved. The royal family is a completely fucked up, backwards, stubbornly traditional institution. The Queen is the sort of person who probably looks down on women for being pregnant outside of the home. "Dreadful! SIMPLY AWFUL BEHAVIOR."
I can't begin to imagine the exasperation that Kate Middleton and Undeserving Guy Married To Kate Middleton must experience in dealing with their socially crippled elders. Kate probably gets a tensely-worded letter any time she goes to take a shit. My guess is that the Queen, were she to live another 20 years, would frown upon the public announcement of her great grandson's sexuality. "It simply isn't proper!" And dumbshit Prince Charles would probably fall in line and be like, "Oh yes, mum is quite right. BEST TO KEEP THIS SORT OF FING PRIVATE YOU KNOW."
But that's unlikely to pass. If Prince George turns out to be gay, he will likely escape the traditional royal policy of defenestrating the partners of all homosexual offspring. He'd likely come out (to Tina Brown!), and then marry as he sees fit (gay marriage in the UK is set to be legalized in summer of 2014). But whether or not he'd be able get hitched at Westminster Abbey—with a priest and a royal carriage for his new hubby and little flower girls and all that—would probably remain a matter of contention. My hope is that, regardless of what happens, "Two Princes" gets to be their first dance song. JUST GO AHEAD NOW...
I saw an article once about Dwyane Wade surprising a high schooler by taking her to prom. This is fairly commonplace among athletes/celebrities/Michelle Obama these days, but what would the backlash be if it came to light that Dwyane Wade (or any famous person in the same situation) ended up sleeping with his/her prom date?
Well, if it were Dwyane Wade, it would obviously end up with that prom date ranting and raving about him out on a busy Chicago street.
It's a strange trend, the whole "celeb goes to a prom/military ball" thing. Because listen: If I invite Mila Kunis to my prom and she says yes because it's good PR, I'm still gonna hope and pray that the evening ends up with me having sex with Mila Kunis. And then the end of the night will come and I'll ask her and she'll be like, "Awww, that's so sweet," and then give me a condescending kiss on the cheek. THAT ISN'T WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR, MILA. YOU CAN'T JUST TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT.
There's a sexual awkwardness to the whole enterprise that the celebrity is blatantly ignoring all for the sake of looking compassionate. Well, I say screw that. I say that if Justin Timberlake takes a girl to a prom, he SHOULD sleep with her, to prove he really wanted to be there. Anything less is a horseshit effort.
How much cash would they have to put in front of you to make you play Russian Roulette with one bullet?
It completely depends on your life situation when the offer is made. If you're relatively satisfied with your existence, no amount is gonna be worth it. But if you're broke, and homeless, and you weigh 400 pounds, and you're hooked on toilet meth, you're probably gonna take the offer, even if the grand prize is just a hamburger. You more you have to lose, the less you'll risk. DI DI MAU!
If the experts came out tomorrow and said watching football causes cancer, would people quit watching? Like, if they presented all sorts of legitimate medical data and studies that showed all sorts of health problems (a la, cigarette smoking), would ratings plummet, taper off slowly, or not change at all?
I think a lot of people would deny that evidence and continue watching regardless. In fact, I bet that I would become ANGRY at people for broaching the subject. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY FOOTBALL WITH YOUR CANCER STUDIES, DICKHEAD? And the league office would do its best to spin the evidence, to tell you that you have no risk of cancer if you simply engage in Heads Up Television Watching. Just use the proper form and you'll be okay!
There would probably be an initial drop-off, and then diehards like me would wait until our loved ones succumbed to early onset gridnoma (or until we fell ill ourselves) before accepting the ugly truth and quitting the game for good. Football isn't a physical addiction, the way heroin and nicotine are. So, in theory, it should be easier to quit. Plus you have game wrap-ups and highlights and shit to help you keep track of the sport from afar. But I think my self-delusion would probably keep me watching regardless. What if Red Zone Channel made the cancer spread quicker? OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE.
If you're the royal family, can you name your kid whatever you want? Badass Batman, Prince of Cambridge, or something bullshit like that, just because you're the royal family? What would happen? Would the queen just lose her shit?
I think there are already unofficial procedures in place to prevent that from happening. I think that, when Kate got pregnant, one of the Queen's handlers went up to her with a list of names (all former names of royalty, of course) and told her that she had to choose one of these names or else get cut out of the will. Like I said, this is an immensely fucked-up family whose elders almost certainly value tradition over actual human connection. Any deviating from that, and you get cut out of the will. Talking to the press? OUT OF THE WILL. Interracial marriage? OUT OF THE WILL. Forbidding the Queen from overseeing the conception of your children? OUT OF THE WILL. I bet they lord that will over you like it's a swinging axe. If that's what it takes from preventing the existence of a Prince Brayden, I'm all for it.
How great would it be if we found out that Belichick and Bob Kraft somehow conspired to obstruct justice with respect Aaron Hernandez—-specifically the July 2012 double murder? Say they knew about the 2012 double murder and shut down/hushed up local police which was possible only because the victims' identities and circumstances of the crime did not cause a community uproar and, hey, the Pats are fucking huge and really good TEs are a big deal.
I guess the only problem with the theory is the Pats signed Hernandez to his massive extension about six weeks after the double murder. Anyway, what did Hobo Bill know?!? And when did he know it??!?! I want answers! I want the truth!!
Jim Nantz says we shouldn't breathe a hint of suspicion. The fun thing about the Hernandez situation is that it lays bare the fact that NFL teams a) know exactly which of their players are the scum of the fucking Earth and b) have to basically pray that their scummy players don't do anything TOO awful. You can't compete in the modern NFL without employing a handful of gentlemen of suspicious character. That's just the way it works. If you had a team of 50 Tebows, you would go 0-119. You have to compromise your ethics a bit and sign the occasional Christian Peter to make ends meet. Team that say they don't are just bullshitting.
I'm not saying the Patriots knew or should have known Aaron Hernandez was a killer, as hacky dipshits have suggested. But when he got charged, the Pats cut him straight away, as if someone in the building heard about the murder charge and was like, "Yep. Sounds like him!" They knew he was a piece of shit. They just hoped he wouldn't be TOO MUCH of a piece of shit. There is so much unreported shit that GMs and scouts know about their own guys. Soooooo much dirt. I would give anything to break into Pats' headquarters and go through their personnel files. Oh hey, turns out Stevan Ridley is actually a fugitive Dominican arsonist named Juan "El Demonio" Juarez! I KNEW IT!
Anyway, if the Hernandez murders were part of a larger conspiracy that went all the way to the top, I would declare it a national holiday and run naked around my neighborhood spraying champagne on everyone. True Schadenfreude fans know what I mean.
Do you ever secretly root for a giant stock market crash because why not?
Not as much as I used to, given that, over the course of five or six jobs, I now have six different 401k accounts each worth roughly five dollars that are invested in various stocks/bonds/funds/offshore beaver commodifying accounts. I have skin in the game, which makes me less enthused about the collapse of the stock market. However, that doesn't stop me from marveling anytime the average takes a real plunge. OH WOW, A THOUSAND POINTS! I wonder if that's a record!
Who is the worst possible doppelgänger? Immediately you would think Hitler, but if you were the dead ringer for the Führer, all you'd have to do is shave your mustache, get a different haircut and wear something modern like a Jaguars jersey, and in this day and age people wouldn't notice.
There were a few people who had to stay indoors because of their resemblance to one of the Tsarnaev brothers (or likewise Christopher Dorner) when they were on the lam, but now that that's over it was probably just a mild inconvenience. Presidential lookalikes usually make a few extra bucks on the side…so who, on a daily basis, does it suck the most to look exactly like? While he was still a free man my money would have been on OJ.
Right now, I bet it wouldn't be a whole lot of fun to look exactly like George Zimmerman. Not only would you be fat, but people would mistake you for the real guy and hurl invective at you all day long. YOU SHOULD BE IN JAIL! RACIST! WHY DON'T YOU STAND YOUR GROUND ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE? YOU ARE FAT. Stuff like that. If you resemble someone who is notorious AND it's easy for people to think you really are that person, then you're in for a very special kind of misery. Jerry Sandusky would also be bad, even though he's currently in jail. Stupid people might not be aware that, and might be all too willing to correct that perceived injustice. Even having the name Sandusky is toxic now, as evidenced by Matt Sandusky petitioning to change his name.
I would also argue that being an exact double for Justin Bieber would be extremely unpleasant, although in a completely different way. Stupid teenage girls would mob you and scream at you until you went deaf. You'd get swarmed everywhere you went. And every guy that saw would think you were a complete tool and want to beat the living shit out of you. Serves you right for wearing those pants.
Does you think a public transit bus ever gotten pulled over and ticketed for running a red light? I'd say no because no cop would want to take the heat for such a decision from his bosses or the passengers.
I lived in New York for six years and I sure as hell never saw it happen. A bus driver would have to drive through a kindergarten class to get formally censured.
By the way, ever sit on a bus when the driver's shift ends and a new driver has to come aboard? It's AGONY. The old bus driver and the new bus driver talk shop for 90 minutes while you sit in the back with a homeless man drooling on your crotch. Then the new bus driver takes another hour to adjust his seat, put pictures of his extended family up on the dashboard, and drink an entire cup of coffee. It takes almost as long as when a dude in a wheelchair has to get on board. I HAVE THINGS TO DO.
How do you put on a t shirt?
My boyfriend insists that you first put your head through the head hole, at which point you appear to have some sort of bunchy cloth necklace. Then, you put one arm up through the arm hole by your neck, and then you do the other arm and pull the shirt down over your stomach. In my humble opinion, this is, for lack of a better phrase, ignorant as fuck.
Clearly you put your arms through first, and THEN your head - correct?
Correct. Putting your head through the hole first is how a first-grader does it. Actual grownups do it like this:
STEP 1: Right arm through the armhole.
STEP 2: Right hand grabs the bunched up bottom back of the shirt.
STEP 3: Left hand goes through the armhole.
STEP 4: Use right hand to pull the shirt over your head. Stretch out arms like you're the Kool Aid guy busting through a wall.
STEP 5: O AN HE SEXY
That's the way a REAL MAN does it. Make a note of it the next time you go out on the town wearing your best FART BOSS shirt.
Until what age will Michael Jordan be able to dunk?
Here's MJ dunking at age 48, which he appears to do with minimal effort:
Unless that's a fake video like the Spud Webb dunk. I never know what to believe anymore. Anyway, MJ is 50 now, a bit thicker and a bit creakier. But Jordan is the sort of person who still likes entertaining the idea of being able to take the court, so he probably works out just enough in between smoking stogies and having Charles Oakley fetch his dry cleaning to maintain his dunking ability. MJ knows that, once that's gone, his mystique will have vanished entirely. The old MJ—the one everyone reveres—will be dead, replaced in full by the bitter, doddering, incompetent executive he is now. I bet he murders someone when that day comes. I say it happens at age 55. Strictly for the symbolic value.
The other day my 7-year-old daughter and I said the same word at the same time and I yelled "JINX". I'm not sure how this works in the rest of the civilized world, but down here in the dirty south after you say "jinx" you start counting, and however high you can count before the other party says "jinx" is the number of cokes they owe you (all cola is called coke in the south). So after yelling jinx I started counting, not just average counting but auctioneer style counting, I get up to around 12 and she comes back with "The jinx machine is out of order please insert another quarter" and then turns and walks away. That's total bullshit, right?
I dunno, sounds like she found a loophole. Aren't you supposed to hit people whenever you jinx them? You should have started just beating the shit out of her. No more snide jinx machine replies from her. Who plays that game without including the physical abuse part? You Southerners are WEIRD.
I'm in my 30s now, but whenever someone says the same word at the same time as me, I have to fight like hell not to start punching them in the arm. Seems unnatural to simply let a jinx pass. We're just supposed to laugh at our little serendipitous moment of shared thinking? Lame.
By the way, this happens to married people all the time. You'll be standing around, and suddenly both of you will be like, "What should we eat for dinner?" And then you'll be like OH MY GOD OUR LOVE IS SO DEEP OUR MINDS HAVE MELDED. When in reality, your life is simply so predictable that the two of you inevitably say the same shit to each other over and over again.
My friend mentioned in passing that she brushes her teeth with hot water. Not lukewarm, but HOT. This is insane, right?
Yeah, that ain't right. I bet she puts her t-shirts on headfirst too! I guess hot water would help get rid of some of the germs left on the toothbrush, but come on. Sticking a warm toothbrush in your mouth is like sucking on a hobo's finger. No thank you.
By the way, here's a handy chart of when to replace your current toothbrush...
IF YOU ARE SINGLE: Never.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED: The second just one of your bristles is even noticeably out of line and your wife demands you replace it.
Is there anything more satisfying than making a sandwich and finishing off the contents of one of the ingredients? Not having to put back the bag of salami is one less thing to do before getting to eat. The other day I came one ingredient short of a perfect game.
That's true of making any kind of food. No one likes cooking something and then having to deal with half a can of diced tomatoes, an eighth of a box of pasta, and 5/6th of a bunch of parsley afterward. What the hell am I supposed to do with all this shit now? I AM RUINED. Much better to finish off the ingredients for good, because that gives you all the permission you need to go out and get NEW food the next day. I'm always happy to eat leftovers, and I hate wasted food, but new food is infinitely more exciting than old food. If it's between the lasagna in the freezer and ordering takeout, I'm going takeout 100 times out of 100.
I work in a public library, and part of my job is making sure that men aren't jacking it
in public while they watch porn on the public computers. Usually I hover near them until they notice me, then quietly say "Don't do that" while not meeting their eyes. Is there a better approach?
Hire this man:
I didn't realize this was such a persistent problem. I figured the whole Mike Cooper incident soured the nation's masturbators on using library computers for self-gratification. Again, NEVER underestimate the stupidity of horny men.
There's no good way of stopping these men from diddling themselves in a public place. Your method seems like the most humane way of going about it. Perhaps even TOO humane. You should keep a FAP WHISTLE on you and blow on it anytime you catch a hobo surfing the porn sub-Reddit with his pants around his ankles. Make an example out of that poor bastard. LOOK AT THIS GUY! HIS DICK IS OUT!
What would Tiger do if—just moments before he were to sink a surefire tournament winning two-foot putt—someone informed him that his kids had been in a car accident and rushed to the ER in serious condition?
I mean, it would probably depend on the tournament, but the vast majority of times he would sink the putt to secure the win before going to the hospital, right?
I don't think anyone would inform him right before the putt, because then Tiger would just have them fired for distracting him. This is a man who will curse out a leaf for rustling on his backswing. He's an asshole. No sense in telling him that his child is on the verge of dying.
But if some oblivious lackey DID tell Tiger, he would always sink the putt first. To be fair to him, it only takes a second to sink the putt and then rush to the hospital. That's an easy call. Even WONDERFUL FATHER Phil Mickelson would make the putt first. The real question is: What if Tiger was teeing off on the 18th hole? Or what if he had a five-stroke lead in a major and had three holes to go? Now you're talking about a far more substantial time commitment while his child's life hangs in the balance. I bet Tiger would STILL finish off his round. Elin's at the hospital, right? She's got it covered, you guys. Let's finish the back nine off, nail a hooker in the clubhouse shitter, and then get in the chopper to St. Mary's Hospital.
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two years. When we go out together, she doesn't wear makeup anymore, or really get dressed up. I've never been bothered by it or taken much notice of it before. But, when she goes out to the bars with her friends, she's decked out in skirts, makeup and lipstick, and it makes me wonder what she's up to. The only reason I know this is because her friends love to take selfies EVERYWHERE they go (Can't stand that). So, is this something I bring up?
Women are way more interested in impressing other women than impressing you. You're the boyfriend: You'll love her and say nice things to her no matter what she looks like. But if she doesn't get dolled up for her friends, she knows they'll shit-talk her behind her back the second she goes to powder her nose. That's why she'll wear obscenely sexy outfits when going to work or heading out to some idiot friend's birthday party. The solution is clear: You must break up with her, get a sex change, and become one of her friends. Then she'll bust out the war paint for you. With a little luck, you can take her home one night and have her finger your crotch stump.
Email of the week!
So last weekend my girlfriend and I attended a wedding party for one of her co-workers that got married last month. It was very low key, at the bride and groom's house, with maybe 50 people total. We were invited to bring our bathing suits for a late night dip in their pool (I thought this was a joke when my girlfriend told me).
Fast forward to about 10:00 and the groom is in the pool, followed by three of his guy friends just hanging out and drinking. It is obviously dark outside, and the pool deck is moderately well lit. I notice a 60ish guy that looks like The Dude with his pants unbuttoned and unzipped, but still up around his hips, looking like he's about to jump in the pool. I continue on with my conversation with a buddy when I look over, and all of the sudden a massive 60-year old dick is out. Dude quickly dives in the pool (again, filled with only 4 other guys) completely naked. My conversation, needless to say, stops and I tell my buddy what I think I saw. The first few people don't believe me before I meet someone that saw his ass moments before it hit the water.
Ten minutes later he's hooking up with a younger, attractive woman in the middle of deep end. They weren't having sex (would be quite a feat with no ability to stand up and not leaning against a wall). The other guys in the pool are playing catch and hanging out literally five feet away from this guy, clearly having no idea what's out there.
Then he goes over to the side, and slides out of the pool. He towels his balls and ass off (pretty much everyone was watching at this point) like he's getting out of the shower, slips his pants back on and acts like nothing happened.
On the way out, my girlfriend asked the bride who the guy was. She had no idea. The next day the bride found out it was the groom's old boss, who is some exec in a Fortune 100 company. Did the dude have the stones to pull that move off based on a) his large member, b) his attractive friend, c) the aggressive glass of Tito's he was pouring himself, d) having a shit ton of money, e) all of the above?
All of the above. It's good to be boss.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.