Manchester City were losing today’s match to Newcastle 1-0 for most of the first half until Sergio Agüero went all Robert Lewandowski and rung up five quick goals to kill the game dead in a matter of minutes. Incredibly, he did the Whole Shit with a mere nine touches. It was sudden and violent and Newcastle should just go home and take a nap, man.

That’s the best one, up top there. Just look at that spring in his step. This is the gait of a man who ended a streak of questionable finishing in the most emphatic possible way.

With the outburst, he matched Newcastle’s goal total for the entire league season thus far. He became the fifth player to score five in an EPL match. After the fifth, Manuel Pellegrini subbed Agüero off for Wilfried Bony, presumably to keep Tim Krul from removing one of his socks and sobbing openly.