Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering bridesmaid sexting, sex offender bosses, and more.
I was at the gym shower today when I reached out and grabbed my towel from the hook, only I grabbed the wrong towel and started to dry myself off with another guy's towel, which was alarming because A) What if he had syphilis and wiped that syphilis onto his towel? and B) What if he noticed that I used his siffy towel? I put it back right away and got my own from the hook on the opposite side. The dude soon turned his shower off and reached for the towel I used by accident, which was now damp with my moistness.
I thought about telling him that I had used his towel by accident and apologizing, but I didn't because it was such an awkward thing to do. So I spent the rest of my time getting dressed and wondering if the guy was gonna be like WHO THE FUCK USED MY TOWEL I'LL KILL YOU. At least I didn't wipe my dick with it. I think I handled it the correct way.
How long before some high risk players (basically, running backs and maybe receivers) start having preemptive ACL surgeries where they get the ACL wrapped in some kind of carbon fiber tube that prevents the possibility of a tear?
And the important question - which NFL coach is the first to order his players to get the surgery? I'm voting for Belichick.
I don't think that kind of surgery will ever happen for two reasons. First off, any kind of surgery is inherently traumatic to the body. It causes swelling and creates scar tissue around the surgery site that can never be removed. This is why people avoid surgery if they can: Because no repaired body part will ever truly be good as new. Also, there is standard risk of something going wrong during surgery—internal bleeding, death from the anesthetic, infection, etc.—which means toying with a perfectly healthy body part isn't worth the risk. Unless you have a funny-shaped nose. Then, by all means, toy away.
The other reason you won't see this kind of surgery is because there are far less invasive means of strengthening your body parts. You can shoot some HGH into your ass and that will do the trick. Your legs will be stronger, and since they are stronger, they can withstand more punishment and therefore help you avoid injury. And you can do all that without getting cut open. And in the future, you'll probably be able to take some genetic modifier that replaces your bones with adamantium. And then you will have WOLVERINE CLAWS, which would be badass. I would be more than happy to watch a Wolverine Football League. No need to worry about concussions, people. Those brains are self-healing!
Are the 12 PM ET college football games just automatically the worst you'll see all Saturday? Maybe it's the inevitable weekly letdown from the climax of "College Gameday" transitioning into what usually amounts to a bunch of UCF vs. Directional State-caliber games. But I really think it's just the time of day. It could be Alabama vs. the Green Bay Packers and I would still think "Ehhhhh...ok what are the real games coming up at 3:30?"
Obviously, they save the best matchups for later in the day and the widest possible audience. So when Fowler signs off and you get shuttled over to Northwestern-Purdue on the Deuce, it's an inevitable letdown because you're watching lesser teams AND you're getting the D-level announcing crew. The game itself could be remarkably entertaining and it still wouldn't have that elusive "event" feel of a primetime game featuring Brent Musberger ogling a coed's ladyparts.
We're more influenced by the presentation of a football game than we care to realize. It's the kind of thing that shouldn't make a difference. You should be drawn in by the game and the game alone. But stupid bullshit like atmosphere and big names matter. Put Alabama and USC in the title game (HAHAHAHA JK USC WILL NEVER WIN ANYTHING AGAIN YOU GUYS) and it feels like some big, historic shit. Put Wazzu and South Florida in there and it doesn't. Even if you use the exact same players and the exact same coaches, you'll view it differently (And I HATE saying that because it's same kind of awful brand logic that people like Colin Cowherd use to justify the endless pimping of New York sports teams). Throw in Pam Ward on the play-by-play and it would feel REALLY inconsequential.
If you're getting a hooker, is it unreasonable to ask her to flash you? Just so you know the product that you're getting?
There's no point because if you've already called her and she's already come to your door, you're paying. There's a 350-lb. former MAC lineman standing outside in the hallway making sure of that. It doesn't matter if she doesn't look like the picture because THEY NEVER LOOK LIKE THE PICTURE. You saw an old stock photo of Crissy Moran on the escort site and they sent an amputee pirate lady to your door. You can't be surprised when that happens. That's the risk you take when you call up Sizzle Escorts. You're not getting Rebecca de Mornay. You get what you get, and you have to make peace with the fact that you will be spending your money regardless.
I have a friend who had a friend who had a friend who ordered a hooker once (while drunk and high, because yes), and when the hooker arrived and he was "displeased" with her, he refused to pay. Well, that hooker left the house, grabbed his keys on the way out, and came back a few weeks later when he wasn't home and took EVERYTHING. And really, can you blame her? You've already been reduced to selling your body, and now Dipshit McLaxbro here is gonna turn you away because he thinks your boobs are too saggy? Shit, I'd rob that guy twice. For the sake of your personal safety and common courtesy, NEVER insult a hooker. Ever ever ever. Only a complete idiot would ask to fill out a complaint form.
So I'm at a family gathering on my wife's side this past weekend and my wife's 10-year-old cousin is there. She's a nice enough girl as far as 10-year-olds go, playing with my kids and occupying them and all that. But as the afternoon wears on and we're trying to pack up to leave, she starts following me around and teasing me and WOULD NOT STOP. She's just looking for attention from me, so finally I give in and pick her up and slam her onto the bed. I'm just about to pin her down and tickle the hell out of her when this warning siren starts going off in my head - I'm about to pin down a little girl on a bed, alone. Needless to say, I got out of there and we left shortly thereafter. So how is a guy supposed to play/wrestle with younger family members without it looking Sandusky-esque?
You can't. The world's child molesters have ruined EVERYTHING. Even if your intentions are pure, you're gonna spend all your time worrying that someone else will have watched too much SVU and think that you're some kind of pervert.
I took my kid to a swimming pool this summer and I did that dad thing where you pick your kid up and throw the shit out of them, which is crazy fun because A) Child throwing! and B) LOOGIT THE BIG STRONG DAD. I feel like a giant throwing hobbits off a great mountaintop. Anyway, this other girl sees me throwing my kid and asks me to throw HER, and I'm so amped up with Child Tossing Fever that I'm about to do it when I think to myself Oh god, I'm a 36-year-old man manhandling a second grader. And so I said to her, "You know what? I think you gotta ask your dad if that's okay." Sixty years ago, I could have thrown that kid to fucking Pennsylvania and no one would have disapproved. IT'S NOT FAIR.
One other example: I was hanging out with my son and we were laughing about some poop joke, and I said to him, "Now don't go telling that joke at school. We can just keep this joke between us. It'll be our little secret." And my wife overheard me and was like, "You can't say that. That's what all the molesters say." And it's true. Every child molester pulls the "It's gotta be our little secret" move, and now it's ruined for EVERYONE. Fucking Jerry Sandusky. I hope he dies eight times.
Was watching Stanford dismantle WSU on Saturday night and I noticed that the Cougars backup QB (Stanford knocked out the starter) was playing pretty decently, but his receivers were complete garbage and couldn't make plays against the clearly athletically superior defense.
What would happen if you took a terrible D1 school versus a top 5 program (let's say USF versus Alabama) and left the rosters the same but gave the shitty school an MVP caliber NFL quarterback? Like if Peyton Manning was playing QB for USF in that game, how much closer is it? Do they have a chance to win?
If it's just a one-game deal and you're flying Peyton in to play with a whole new set of guys five days before Bama comes calling, they're probably still gonna get blown out. Even with an ELITE quarterback, you still need time for him and his terrible teammates to all get on the same page. I bet a big-name QB like Peyton would come in talking about all kinds of schematic shit that would fly right over his wideouts' heads. Then he would have them killed for being so dumb.
Look at Tom Brady. He receivers were puke for the first three games before he was able to breakthrough and turn Kembrell Thompkins into the UNDRAFTED UNICORN GOD AND ALL THAT IS RIGHT WITH THE AMERICAN MERITOCRACY. You need time and practice for it to make a real difference, otherwise it's just 60 minutes of Alabama crushing USF and Peyton giving the Manningface after every dropped ball.
But if you gave Manning a full offseason and training camp, and perhaps a run of two cupcake games on the schedule before the big one, then I think he could make an enormous difference and the USF could win. They still wouldn't be able to defend Bama for shit, but they could easily ring up 40 points of their own and keep up.
It's a hallmark of any great quarterback to make hay with less-than-quality skill position players. Manning's done it. Brady's done it. Elway did it. The easiest way to know a QB is a bust is if people blame his shortcomings on his supporting cast (Hi, Sam Bradford!). The best ones don't need three Megatrons at their disposal to succeed.
What celebrity death would make the country saddest? I'm not talking the President or someone "important" but just a celebrity (actor/musician/athlete). And not the way they died but just that they died. LeBron? Tom Hanks? I say Jennifer Lawrence.
What about that little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild? The younger they are, the sadder the death. But IS Quvenzhané Wallis a movie star?! That plays into the equation!
I'll just go with Beyoncé, since half the Gawker staff would take a year off to sit shiva if she fell off a balcony.
If you broke the day down into 24 one-hour intervals, what would be your favorite and least favorite hours of the day?
My least favorite would be 7am-8am (there's bad traffic, you're barely awake but trying to make your way to your horrible job, and the sun is blindingly bright and shines directly into your face while driving. I don't know how there aren't 500 sunlight-related car accidents in every major city each morning). My favorite hour would be 10pm-11pm (the roads are clear, it's quieter, but it's not so late that places aren't open and you're too tired to function).
I hate doing this, but it completely depends on whether or not you have children. If you're single, the best time of day is 6 p.m.-7 p.m., when you've gotten off of work, made it through your commute, and can begin eating/drinking/painting your face for the hockey game. They call 5-7 p.m. "Happy Hour" for a reason. You're just starting your night and it hasn't gone off the rails yet, with you all alone at midnight, drinking straight Mr. Clean and lying in a puddle of your own diarrhea. Happy Hour is your best time of day, and your worst time of day is, like you said, in that 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. hour where you have to wake up and deal with your fucking commute*.
But if you're a parent, it's completely different. 6 p.m.-7 p.m. BLOWS, because the kids are in the middle of their putdown phase, when you have to bathe them and read to them and feed them a goddamn snack because they wouldn't eat dinner. It's not quite the worst time of day (that would be the 3 p.m.-4 p.m. or 4 p.m.-5 p.m. witching hour, where it's not quite dinnertime yet and everyone is bored senseless so the kids start throwing rocks at windows), but it's definitely not the best. The best time of day for any parent is right around 9 p.m. to 10 p.m., when the kids are asleep for good and you can watch TV or read a book or have sex in peace and quiet. It's bliss. Woe to the child who gets up and fucks with that hour. I won't have it.
(*This applies to single working people. If you're a single college student, every hour of the day is the best. Also, go to hell.)
When I was a kid, I was living in the Midwest and 7 p.m. was a big deal because that was right when primetime TV started. Like, HOORAY NEW SHOWS. And even now I get an odd bit of excitement when 8 p.m. Eastern rolls around. Then I'll check the guide and nothing decent will be on until 10 p.m. Stupid TV.
I just got hitched three weeks ago and I can't stop playing with the wedding ring. The wife is already on me to leave it alone but obviously spinning it and otherwise using it as a new toy is all that's consumed me since pretty much the day after the wedding. Does that ever stop? And what's the etiquette on washing hands/showering/swimming with it on? I usually take it off for such things but I fear that I'm being a mamby-pamby about that.
It calms down eventually, as you get used to having it on and it's no longer such a novelty to you. In a month or so, it will feel natural to be wearing it at all times—in the shower, at the pool, while fingering a monkey, etc. You shouldn't ever take it off for any of those things. The only time you should take off the ring is if you're lifting weights or forcefully gripping some textured piece of equipment that can seriously scratch the ring up (they get scratched up regardless, but I'm talking about deep grooves that you don't want). I don't like taking it off ever because I'm the sort of person who would lose it instantly, and I don't want my wife to yell at me if that happens. Also, OUR LOVE SPELL WOULD BE BROKEN.
My favorite thing to do with a wedding ring is to make a fist and just stare at the thing, like I'm the Dark Lord Sauron wearing the ring of power. I also think about punching another man in the face and having the ring do an extra bit of skin-splitting. It makes me feel like a real man. And then I go wash the mildew out of sippy cup valves because my wife asked me to.
So I recently have started looking for a job. My current job's severance runs out in a month and I want to land somewhere safely employed soon. A firm I interviewed with has a VP of sales. I wanted to do research on him before the interview, so I looked him up and oh holy shit look what I found...
Offense: More Than Once Promoting/Possessing Sexual Performance by a Child
Risk Level: Moderate
It has his picture and address and it's definitely him. Can I work for a sex offender? How can I possibly keep this to myself if so? What does More Than Once mean!?
Well, look on the bright side. You're not a child, so he won't want to molest YOU. That's good to know! It sounds to me as if he was caught a couple of times with kiddie porn, which is horrible and grotesque and would be impossible to keep out of your mind when he's asking you for your TPS reports. Then again, maybe he's kept his nose clean, or whatever other body part he was required to keep clean, ever since. Maybe he's a nice guy apart from the whole CHILD ABUSING MONSTER part. And think of the blackmail potential! You could get the keys to the executive washroom if you ever threatened to out him.
If I were in desperate need of a job and the only one readily available was working under a kiddie porn enthusiast, I'd still probably take the job anyway and see if I could stomach it. A man's gotta eat. I just wouldn't go out to happy hour with Stan, especially if he wants to spend it at the local Chuck E. Cheese's.
At what age do you think North West will first see the porn tape of her mom? Typically at schools the younger grades have their own fenced off areas, separate recess times, and their own buses. But once she enters the general population, I say 7 years old.
Who says that kid will go to school? That kid will probably have private "tutors" who let her eat Sweet Tarts for eight hours a day. The only thing she's gonna learn is how to yell at the help. By age 12, she'll have bodyguards carrying her up the Great Wall of China. I bet the first time she sees the Kim/Ray J video is when her own mother shows it to her at age 11 or so. It will be a valuable lesson in personal branding!
About five years ago a ladyfriend of mine moved out of state. Once she moved, we learned that we both had the hots for each other. We decided to consummate this knowledge by sending each other pictures of our naughty bits. Hooray technology! After a month or so we both moved on to other things and it all stopped without any physical interaction ever occurring.
Flash forward to the present. I'm engaged to a girl I met a couple years after the boobie picture girl, who has since moved back to where I am. The two became good friends among our circle and my fiancee has asked her to be one of her bridesmaids.
Picture Girl and I never spoke of those events again and we both seem happy pretending it never happened. I have no clue if she told anyone in our circle, but I'm guessing not. In the name of the sanctity of marriage, do I tell my fiancee that I've seen one of her bridesmaids spread eagle in a bathroom mirror? Or do I take this info to the motherfucking grave?
To the grave. It's too late to tell her now because she'll be upset that you never mentioned it before. If you had mentioned it right away, as they were becoming good friends, it probably would have been all right (provided you kept it vague: "Oh, we had a mutual crush on each other for a bit. ISN'T LIFE WACKY?" Not: "Hey, I've seen a picture of her biscuit").
But if you mention it now, it makes it seems like you were keeping it from her because you still wanna sex up the bridesmaid. She'll be upset with you AND she'll banish Picture Girl, and then Picture Girl will ALSO hate you for mentioning it when you didn't have to.
I would keep it to yourself and, if you haven't already, DELETE THE PHOTO. You don't get to have your boobie picture and eat it too. You're also just gonna have to trust that Picture Girl deleted your dong shot and has the brains not to mention it to your lady after too many glasses of Pinot. GIRLS BE TALKIN'.
What do you think about other sports incorporating the concept of pit stops instead of timeouts? Imagine basketball with only 5 guys, no timeouts, no substitutions. You can leave the court to rest as often as you like to rest or confer with the coach, but the other team can keep going.
But then neither team would take a pit stop and several players would die of exhaustion and/or dehydration. Sounds appealing to me!
Frankly, I'm not even sure timeouts should exist. TV broadcast reasons aside, why give them out? All they do is cause coaches headaches and make asshole fans think they know precisely when to use them. There are already plenty of breaks in the game. Why does your stupid team deserve more? Sounds like another BIG GUBMINT handout. I bet if you got rid of timeouts in the NFL and NBA, it would be fine.
Email of the week!
I had leftovers after a visit to Michael Jordan's Steakhouse in Chicago and they gave me a bag with his name printed across the side in giant letters to carry them home. As part of my personal green initiative, I used the bag to carry a few stray beers to a friend's house the other night.
When I arrived, the conversation quickly turned to the bag, and then somehow to whether Michael Jordan's Steakhouse actually served steaks cut from Michael Jordan.
That steak would likely be out of my price range.
That got me thinking, which celebrities and public figures would fetch the highest price if they were butchered into steaks? Which would be the cheapest? Would athletes fetch a higher price or would you prefer a more sedentary person of note? How do youth and beauty factor in? Who would you eat? Who's name on the menu would make you just get a salad? I have to think that the royal baby would fetch a high price right now.
Baby meat would definitely get a "market price" listing. You wouldn't want to eat a steak cut from Michael Jordan now. It would be old and stringy and taste like cigars. You need some fat on there. I bet Barkley would taste all right.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.