NFL uniforms are fucking hideous now. Look at this shit:
Most teams used to have normal uniforms, and it was almost charming that the Bengals and Cowboys wore aggressively butt-ugly getups every Sunday. Nowadays, you’ve got Day-Glo Dolphins, 49ers who scavenged their alternates from a defunct penal league, and those ridiculous two-tone Jaguars helmets. And the Bengals still look like an adorable tribute to Cats.
There’s detectable hostility in the latest round of color rush uniforms for Thursday games—these things are designed to sour your mood. Even if the NFL figured out how not to alienate its colorblind audience this season, it’s trolling its fans with this shit.
If for no other reason than to preserve your eyeballs, here’s some other shit you might want to check out while glued to your couch on a fall Sunday:
2:30 p.m. — ESPN — World Cup Qualifiers: Iceland vs. Turkey
Iceland played Cinderella in Euro 2016, but are still a few spots behind Turkey in the FIFA/Coca-Cola World Rankings.
2:30 p.m. — FOX Sports 1 — World Cup Qualifiers: Albania vs. Spain
Albania are apparently ranked 40th in the world, as of mid-September. Maybe that’s less surprising than Spain being ranked 11th, behind friggin’ Wales.
2:30 p.m. — FOX Sports 2 — World Cup Qualifiers: Macedonia vs. Italy
This should be a wipeout.
3 p.m. — ABC — WNBA Finals Game 1: Los Angeles Sparks vs. Minnesota Lynx
The Lynx won the regular-season series between these two teams. Also, the lynx is a cat with very pointy ears.
4 p.m. — TBS — ALDS Game 3: Indians @ Red Sox
Hard to believe this is true, but the Red Sox are on the brink of being swept and have not been remotely competitive through two games. They were the hottest team in baseball just last month, and the Indians are now pounding the bejeezus out of ‘em.
5 p.m. — FOX Sports 1 — NWSL Soccer Final: Washington Spirit vs. Western New York Flash
The Flash outlasted the Portland Thorns in an action-packed semifinal last Sunday.
7:30 p.m. — TBS — ALDS Game 3: Rangers @ Blue Jays
The Blue Jays can sweep the Rangers with a win today. Gonna need the AL playoffs to start getting serious, now.
1 p.m. — USA — Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
All day, every Sunday.
1 p.m. — TV Land — The Golden Girls
How will you decide which early afternoon Golden Girls mini-marathon to watch???
1:30 p.m. — MTV Classic — Beavis and Butthead
I had no idea this network existed, but they’re showing a six-hour marathon of half-hour episodes of Beavis and Butthead, which means they’re all right by me.
2 p.m. — Logo — The Golden Girls
Slowly taking over all networks on football Sundays. This mini-marathon overlaps some with the late afternoon games.
4 p.m. — FXX — The Simpsons
Nothing but depressing junk from the bad years in today’s mini-marathon.
8 p.m. — Comet — Mystery Science Theater 3000
An excellent choice for those of you who aren’t stuck with DirecTV. Actually, hang on: turns out Comet can be streamed online. So there.
11 a.m. — Spike — Jurassic Park
Spike is running a Jurassic Park marathon today, before returning to their regular Sunday Bar Rescue marathon. I dunno, this is probably a dud. The original is the only good movie in the whole series. Maybe you disagree! In that case, stick around Spike for The Lost World and Jurassic Park III later in the day.
11 a.m. — AMC — Aliens
A shocking, disappointing number of networks elected to sit out this Sunday. Comedy Central is running garbage, TNT is running garbage, FX is running garbage. BBC America is running Troy back-to-back. FXM is showing the 2011 Footloose remake, for crying out loud. Even AMC is mostly running garbage, though I will give them credit for tilting their garbage towards goofy Halloween-appropriate fare—shit like Silver Bullet and Graveyard Shift.
Noon — CMT — The Nutty Professor
Nice to see CMT get back into the good counterprogramming today.
12:30 p.m. — Ovation — Lethal Weapon
At least Ovation is trying. They’re doing a day-long run of Lethal Weapon movies. That’s not exactly primo content, but there are at least two fun movies in there.
12:45 p.m. — IFC — The Fugitive
A great gray-Sunday-afternoon option, now and forever.
3 p.m. — Ovation — Lethal Weapon 2
Stick around after this for Lethal Weapon 3 and Lethal Weapon 4. I didn’t even know there was a Lethal Weapon 4. For the best content, though, tune in post-primetime for 12 Monkeys. It’s not counterprogramming, but it’s a cool movie.
4:30 p.m. — REELZ — The Bourne Identity
The Bourne movies are getting more and more burn as Sunday football alternatives.
5 p.m. — CMT — Liar, Liar
The scene where Jim Carrey beats himself to shit in the bathroom in order to get out of court for the day is possibly the only part of this movie that is funnier than the outtakes.
6 p.m. — IFC — First Blood
I mean, you could do much, much worse, today.
6:30 p.m. — Syfy — Blade
Syfy is perhaps the most consistently disappointing network for Sunday counterprogramming. Here we are in October, dammit, when Syfy ought to be running non-stop cheesy old sci-fi/horror flicks, and they’ve got The Box and Legion taking up the first half of their day. Bullshit, man.
7 p.m. — REELZ — The Bourne Supremacy
Weirdly, REELZ is not running The Bourne Ultimatum after this, instead electing to run back The Bourne Identity at 9:30 p.m.
7 p.m. — Sony Movie Channel — Jerry McGuire
Reaching deep for these obscure-ass channels today. Solid choice, if you can get it.
8 p.m. — AMC — Carrie
It’s the original, too. Nice job, AMC.
8 p.m. — IFC — No Country for Old Men
This is obviously a great, great movie, even if it does sometimes feel a little rushed, like the Coen brothers limited themselves to just rendering as many scenes from the book as possible.
Of course, there’s also the presidential debate at 9 p.m. Or, maybe you’ve got another mild Autumn Sunday in your part of the world. Enjoy it! Get outside and hang crappy Halloween decorations from your porch light.