Reader Chris Corley comes through with the Williams look; so uncanny you'll say, dadgumit! And here are some other fun Halloween costume ideas (I like Eli Manning as Superman). Also, some NHL-inspired ones.

Have a great night, and remember kids, stay away from downtown Philadelphia!

Drew Gooden Opens '08-'09 Season With A Triple-Double ... In Sex Appeal [The Sporting Blog]

When last we saw them: Finished 33-49, fourth in the Central Division and 11th overall in the East. Which would have been a pretty disappointing finish even if people hadn't been picking them to go to the Finals last season.

Key Arrivals: Derrick Rose, Elton Brown (wait, who?), Roger Powell (double who?), Darius Washington (who squared?)

Key Departures: Chris Duhon (usually he didn't play much anyway), JamesOn Curry (no more public urination!), Shannon Brown

The Good: Derrick Rose. (According to NBA.com, "Many consider Rose to be a 6-3 version of LeBron James." Wait...what? Really?!) Luol Deng signed a six year, $71 million deal to stay in Chicago, which should keep him from being all sulky and distracted like he was last season. Ben Gordon finally resigned (although only for one year), and he's really excited about it (according to his agent, anyway). The core group (Deng, Gordon and Kirk Hinrich) have been together for several years now, and that's supposedly always a good thing (even if it wasn't last year). Drew Gooden and Larry Hughes should be totally integrated into the team now. Vinny Del Negro has assembled a group assistants with actual NBA coaching experience (Del Harris, Bernie Bickerstaff, Bob Ociepka). Benny the Bull's legal problems should be a thing of the past.

The Bad: An extremely crowded backcourt (which includes Rose, Hinrich, Hughes, Gordon, Sefolosha and Washington ) is complimented very noncomplimentary by an herbal tea-thin froncourt (which features two players - Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas - who couldn't develop an offensive game even if a genie gave them three wishes). Del Negro is a rookie head coach who's already being compared, by his own GM no less, to Doug Collins. That is not a good thing in my book. Rose might be their best and most important players, but he's a rookie and it's still unclear whether he'll start or even how big a role he'll play on the team this season. The Bulls used to be a premier defensive club, but they suffered the biggest defensive dropoff in the league last year (7.1 more points allowed per 100 possessions). Currently, they don't have that defensive identity anymore...or any other identity for that matter. Ben Gordon's one-year deal means that, once again, this is a contract year for him, and that's probably going to affect his play and attitude. John Paxson has yet to find a reliable low post scorer, even though that's been the team's biggest and most glaring weakness for the last few years. This means — you guessed it! - the Bulls will yet again live and die (mostly die) by the jump shot.

Fun Facts: The EA NBA Live 09 simulated season predicts they'll finish with 41 wins (a sad fourth in the Eastern Conference) and make the playoffs, losing in first round to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Derrick Rose goes by the nickname "Pooh," an alias invented by his grandmother when he was an infant because, apparently, he was yellow and chubby, just like Winnie-the-Pooh. (Seriously.) Rose has a tattoo on his left bicep of a wizard holding a staff in one hand and a basketball in the other, below which is the word "Poohdini." The Chicago Bulls are actually the third NBA team in Chicago, after the Packers/Zephyrs (now the Washington Wizards) and the Stags (1946–50). The Bulls logo has horns that are tipped with blood; it was designed by noted American sports artist Theodore W. Drake in 1966.

Videotastic extra: I always get a kick out of these Michael Jordan bloopers. Yeah, some of them happened when he was with the Wizards, but he'll always be a Bull...no matter how many other teams he front office manages into the ground.

Another reason we enjoy the hiring is that the Bulls have brought on a guy who looked even dopier in his playing days than Doug Collins. (But Lord, imagine Vinny with a perm mullet.) The most recent picture of Del Negro we've seen is disappointing; gotta schnazz it up, Vinny, if you're gonna coach in the big time.

Our favorite quote from the Chicago Tribune story:

Little is known about his basketball philosophy since he never has coached before. Del Negro interviewed for the Suns' coaching job that Terry Porter landed on Saturday, but failed to make Kerr's list of four finalists.

A ringing endorsement! Don't let them get you down, Vinny.

It has been a whirlwind 365 days for the Bulls, who went from Expected NBA Title Contender to Team That's Firing Its Coach And Missing The Playoffs to Team That's Using Its Supposed Trade Chips Not For Kobe Bryant But Drew Gooden to ... winning the lottery. The choices are local guy Derrick Rose and muscular Michael Beasley; Blog-A-Bull is in favor of Rose.

The Heat will take whoever is left over, and then the Timberwolves, despite their special teddy bear, didn't end up with the top pick. Honestly, we thought Fred Hoiberg was gonna strangle that bear.

We're gonna talk about the Knicks' sixth pick a little later. But Chad Ford already has us very tickled.

Benny is often in trouble; the controversy ranging from battery on a police officer while riding a scooter, to brawling with an inflatable likeness of himself on the Jerry Springer Show, to shooting Boston Celtics players with a T-shirt rifle. So far, Benny has managed to skate on every one. But will the charges stick this time?

Dr. Don Kalant Sr. alleged he was sitting near courtside on Feb. 12 when he raised his arm to get a high-five from Barry Anderson, who portrays the exuberant mascot in a bright red fuzzy costume. But Kalant, an oral surgeon, may now wish he had settled for a fist-bump instead. Instead of merely slapping Kalant's palm, Anderson grabbed his arm as he fell forward, hyperextending Kalant's arm and rupturing his biceps muscle, according to the lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court.

My only hope is that Benny has a good attorney, and that he show up in court dressed in his full Benny costume. That would rule.

Oral Surgeon Says In Suit That He Was Injured In High-Five With Chicago Bulls Mascot [Chicago Tribune]
Benny the Bull, Free At Last [Deadspin]

The Bulls apologized to the Celtics and explained that one of the members of the IncrediBulls — a group that entertains during timeouts — had tripped and his gun shot the shirts into the floor from where they bounced into the Celtics.

I never trusted those %$#%@!& IncrediBulls. Well, I'm glad it all worked out. This has not been a good year for Benny.

Benny The Bull Wrongly Accused By Celtics [Chicago Sun-Times]
Benny The Bull Will Put A Cap In Your Ass [Deadspin]

"I felt threatened," said Posey, who is considered a villain among Bulls fans for his tough fouls when he played for Miami, and was booed every time he touched the ball last night. "They already don't like me here already. Two T-shirts were thrown at me and KG. I don't feel safe. The T-shirts were fired out of that gun or whatever. I feel a little sore in one spot. I might have to get treatment."

OK, that might not have been the manliest of quotes. But let's not lose sight of what's important here: At what point do the police get involved and end Benny's reign of terror? I propose that Lucky the Leprechaun is recruited by the Massachusetts State Police to go undercover, where he reports directly to Martin Sheen.

Bull's Eyes On Their Backs [Boston Globe]
Chicago Bulls Mascots: Just One Step Ahead Of The Law [Deadspin]
The Ballad Of Stanford's Misbehaving Tree [Deadspin]

If you can't see the video for some reason, what we have here is Benny the Bull on The Jerry Springer Show, being told by his girlfriend that there's "someone else." That someone is a larger, plastic Benny the Bull, and of course violence ensues. But there are so many ways that it could have been funnier. The girlfriend's new guy could have been Steely McBeam, for instance. Or Bill Belichick. Of course it's all fake anyway, just like an actual Bulls game.

Mostly though I'm just glad to be reminded that Jerry Springer has in no way wasted his life.

Distract Your Irate Fans With Crappy TV: Benny The Bull Gets The Beatdown On Jerry Springer [100 Percent Injury Rate]

(They've been playing this at Bulls games lately. Makes sense.)

"We'll keep moving in this direction," Thomas said. When asked what direction that would be, he responded, "Me as coach." Happy New Year, Knicks fans.

Thomas then called a closed-door meeting with himself, after which he reported that he may have been fondled.

• Scottie Pippen, Making Friends. How does one lobby for a head coaching job in the NBA? By ridiculing that team's current players, naturally. Scottie Pippen is playing it very wise indeed, on Monday telling the Chicago Tribune that Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich shoot too much, among other things. Pippen said that Gordon is "out there shooting for a contract" and that "taking bad shots is a sign of a lack of respect for your teammates. You think I'm going to run back if I know B.J. Armstrong is jacking it up?'' Pippen said, the newspaper reported. ''My shot is just as good as his. That's what players think ... You can't have midgets running your backcourt. Little guards always put you in a vulnerable position."

Still The Coach [New York Post]

Many said the team quit on Skiles — particularly Ben Wallace, who totally shouldn't have to play hard, what with that four-year, $60 million deal — but it was rather obvious that it was just a matter of time.

Was there a player revolt in Chicago? We may never know. What you notice with the player interviews is a lack of outrage that Skiles is gone. You hear a few "blame should go around" comments, but not a lot of regret. Mostly you hear players concerned about what this means for their immediate future, as they try and figure out whether or not they're trade bait. If there wasn't a revolt, and there may not have been, few tears were being shed when the cameras showed up for a touching holiday story. If you couldn't get any theatrical tears, there probably aren't many to be had.

It's a little early to figure out Skiles' replacement, but we think it's awesome that Pete Myers is the interim coach. Myers, famously, was the guy who took over Michael Jordan's spot in the lineup after his (second) retirement. Bulls fans are going to start ducking every time they so much as hear his name.

Christmas Present Roundup [Blog A Bull]
Skiles Fired [Indignant Online]
Myers Will Be Stressing Sacrifice]

• I'm The Wiz! Everybody Beats Me! — Gilbert Arenas only had 10 points in a 94-82 loss to the Orlando Magic. His ice sculpture could have scored 13 at least. Hedo Turkoglu had 25 points and Dwight Howard had 17 points caught 15 shots-that-didn't-score.

• More Like Bronze State! Hoch Hech! — It seems so long ago when Golden State captured the interest of non-NBA fans by blindsiding the Mavericks in the first round. They can't play Dallas every game in the regular NBA season, and because of that they may struggle. Utah rolled up 133 points on them, paced by Deron Williams' 30 and Mehmet Okur's 28. Golden State only scored 110, led by Al Harrington's 38.

• We Should Fire Van Gundy More Often — The Houston Rockets and Portland Trail Blazers got together and chose to play a game, but with Eastern Conference rules. (Rule A-01: Point totals exceeding 90 will be null and void.) Houston almost broke that rule, but stopped one shy of the limit in an 89-80 win over Portland. Yao Ming scored 21 and Tracy McGrady had 20. Brandon Roy led the Trail Blazers with 23, and even though Portland's 0-3, so are the Sonics, and they have their first round draft pick. So what's their excuse? Huh?

Old Bulls fans will remember Dickey as one of those guys who would foul Shaq a lot and basically hop in when Corie Blount had fallen asleep on the bench. But now: He is a shining example for fathers everywhere. If he can't be a role model for his own son, then his name is not Dickey Simpkins.

By the way, his name is not Dickey Simpkins; it's LuBara Dixon Simpkins. So it's known.

Dickey Simpkins, Inspirational Mentor [The Basketball Jones]

He's already causing a stir on Bulls boards, and some Bulls fans seem resigned to figuring out how to root for him. We still prefer what Shoals said last night in the live blog: ""Noah... YOU LOOK LIKE EVERY SINGLE BATMAN VILLAIN ROLLED UP INTO ONE."

Your Newest Chicago Bull [Blog A Bull]
How Can You Hate This Man? [Tremendous Upside Potential]

No matter how sympathetic you may still be toward Ben Wallace, it's unavoidable to face the Bulls in a playoff series without wondering if his $60 million contract was really money well spent. He spent the entire series hobnobbing with his former buds before and after games even as his current teammates were getting obliterated on the court. And then, before two of the three most important games of the year, he was 15 minutes late to the arena. I don't care how bad traffic might have been, taken as a whole these weren't the acts of a true leader.

Seriously, Chicago traffic isn't THAT bad. If these were the old Bulls, they would hire Jack Haley to escort him to the arena. We understand that he is available.

That Wasn't So Hard, Was It? [Detroit Bad Boys]

OK, so maybe the Bulls can't pull this off.

We don't have much more to add here; we just felt dumb having the headline "Can The Bulls Pull This Off?" up all night after they'd clearly, you know, not pulled it off. Back tomorrow morning.

(Getty Images Photo)

They're keeping this all in perspective over at Blog A Bull, but there's a vague sense of concern at Detroit Bad Boys.

We can't imagine the Pistons will feel all that comfortable heading back to The Palace for a Game 7, with the Bulls feeling like they're world beaters. We weren't expecting much fun to come out of the Eastern Conference playoffs, but if the Bulls can win tonight, we're gonna have plenty. And considering the travesty that is the Cavs-Nets series, the NBA Finals are at stake. For old times sake, the Bulls should let Tim Floyd coach.

Blog A Bull
Detroit Bad Boys

One thing we've always been impressed by, regarding Bulls fans, is how they've pretty much been selling out the United Center ever since the Jordan days, even when Pete Myers was suiting up. Thursday will be the biggest game since the Jordan/Pippen/Rodman heyday, and they're gonna be ready to go.

Now it's time for Bulls fans to follow suit. It's time to put on your Ben Wallace Afro, slap on the fake Hinrich sideburns, and slip into your Gordon jersey. When Game 6 rolls around on Thursday Night there shouldn't be a Bulls fan sitting in their seat, they should be up screaming and yelling. From the moment you enter The United Center until the moment the final horn blows all fans should be screaming, "Ball don't lie!!" when Rasheed Wallace shoots the ball, they should be screaming, "Glass knees!!" whenever Chris Webber is in the game and they should be screaming, "Sweet Home Chicago!!" as the final horn blows. This Bulls team has worked extremely hard to get back in this series against a championship caliber team like Detroit and now it's time for the fans to show their support like never before.

For the record, we don't recommend the Hinrich sideburns.

Near-Perfect Game 5 Aftermath [Blog A Bull]
Seriously, Clinch This Already [Detroit Bad Boys]
Bulls Fans, It's Time [Cobra Brigade]

That said, we understand why some Warriors fans, facing elimination and the end of their wild postseason run tonight, would want to separate the fan wheat from the chaff these days. After all, it's rather unlikely you're gonna see Jessica Alba at Warriors games in mid-February.

Regardless, this really is the last stand for Golden State tonight. They've provided us countless thrills (and beards), and if Utah finishes them off tonight, they will certainly be missed. (The Bulls, on the other hand ... not so much.)

So, even if Golden State isn't going to make it much further, we think it's probably worth a tuning in, if just to salute how much fun they've given us. And to see all the celebrities who trekked to Utah, like ... Wilfred Brimley and ... uh ... that guy from Big Love!

Are You A Bandwagon Fan? [Say Hey]
Blog A Bull
Detroit Bad Boys

The Pistons got a little cocky after Game 3, when they took two quarters off, and then still managed to rout the Bulls. They tried the same routine today, but extended it to three quarters, even going so far as to put up a 13-point third quarter and go down by 20. But they couldn't make quite enough magic happen in the fourth.

So we go back to Detroit for a Game 5, something the Pistons were hoping to avoid. The Bulls shot and rebounded much better this time out ... though it would've been difficult to get much worse. Luol Deng had 25 and 13, and Ben Wallace finished with a masculine 11 and 17.

And then tonight, back on TNT, where I'd like to up it to about 80 games in 40 nights, it's Warriors vs. Jazz, Game 4. If things don't go well for the Dubs, it could be the last game in Oracle Arena ... which would be sort of sad. Not that I'm writing off the Warriors or anything, but I'm going to be sure to soak in as much of this as possible.

Fortunately, it's just the semis, and the Bulls are toast. From the great Blog A Bull:

There is no implied destiny involved with these losses. The NBA doesn't work where you lose in the first round a couple years, then the second round a year, and eventually you get to the Finals. It worked that way 20 years ago because they had Michael Jordan. It doesn't work that way for every young team, and the history of the league is littered with abandoned young squads that once had the promise but never made it. The whole situation needs to be re-evaluated, not just because they've lost, but how every time Detroit wanted to put them away they simply did, making this talent gap seem pretty vast. If it takes minor tweaks (plus internal development) or a more thorough overhaul is up to Pax, but we can feel reassured to know that from what he's told the media Pax himself isn't satisfied with this cute fun little team he's assembled.

You have to think, by the way, that the Pistons would have beaten the Heat in three games, at this pace. Meanwhile, of at Detroit Bad Boys, they have a fantastic analogy for this series.

You know how — as a kid of the '80s — sometimes you'd think you pressed pause on the awkward Nintendo controller during mike tyson's punchout... and say you were fighting Glass Joe... But you didn't really pause the game, so while you were getting some Kool Aid, talking on the phone, or destroying a Micro Magic cheeseburger, Glass Joe was having his way with helpless Little Mac?

You know when you came back to the game, Little Mac had already been knocked down once and his energy level was way down? Well, when you came back to the game, you didn't press reset, did you? I mean, you were fighting Glass Joe for godsakes. You just grabbed the controller and beat the hell out of him for the remainder of the fight.

Yep: That's exactly what last night's game was like. We arrived in Chicago just in time to watch the second half, and the Bulls were, without question, Glass Joe.

Pistons Topple Glass Joe ... Er ... Chicago [Detroit Bad Boys]
Anybody Want Game 4 Tickets? [Blog A Bull]

So here's something no one could have expected: A second-round playoff series between Golden State and Utah that's destined to be thrilling, amazing to watch and go the full seven games. Utah won Game 1, but, as we watched the game early this morning while shaking off our Arcade Fire hangover, we were struck by how fluid the game was. These teams are a joy to behold; if you had the idea that the Jazz were just running the picket fence every time down the court, you're thinking of the wrong Jazz. Even the Golden State fans don't seem that upset. This is going to be another one of those series we don't want to see end.

Meanwhile, uh ... the Bulls know the series has started, yes?

Fantastic Game [True Hoop]
Warriors 112, Jazz 116 [Golden State Of Mind]
Game 2 Aftermath Thread [Blog A Bull]

(Getty Images Photo)

And now, Dr. Lawyer IndianChief, from Free Darko, after the jump. Enjoy.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

I ran into Andres Nocioni on the bus the other day. Of course, I asked him about his thoughts on the upcoming series with the Pistons, how he planned to guard Tayshaun Prince, whether he secretly loathed Carlos Delfino, if he had any insight into the general outcome of things. He told me he had just returned from visiting an ancient Argentine mystic harbored in the back room of the restaurant, El Nandu, on West Fullerton. Over empanadas and blood sausage, they evidently discussed the Bulls' chances in the second round, and — I'll have to paraphrase what Noch told me — the mystic explained that there were three challenges that the Bulls would face on their way to the finals, each of them instilling a new lesson.

THE CHAMPIONS: This first challenge has been overcome. Taking down Pat Riley and his 15 Hobbled was no small task. Obviously, the key step to becoming a champion is dethroning the previous champion, and the Bulls absolutely Randy-Moss-off-the-coast-of-Boca boat-raced the stumbling Heat. I haven't heard Shaq this subdued since his second verse on "Biological Didn't Bother."

THE TEAM: This challenge encapsulates the second round series, and the Bulls' current opponent, the Detroit Pistons. The Pistons are the consummate "team." Four of their five starters have been together since their 2004 championship, and the other one, Chris Webber, will sacrifice any personal gain to attain a ring.

THE INDIVIDUAL: The mystic predicts that LeBron James will advance to the conference finals, pitting the individual vs. the collective in a way that your bullshit Western Philosophy 101 Hobbes-vs.-Rousseau curriculum could only dream of. If the Bulls advance, they must face he that is greatness personified, which in essence constitutes every player facing the innermost potential in themselves.

Of course, even mentioning the Bulls even in the same paragraph as "Eastern Conference Finals" is premature. The Pistons are a legitimate title contender, and to save a lot of spirited long-winded dissection and histrionics, let me just say that I think Detroit will be able to win this series handily. Unfortunately, the truest cliché in sports is that the NBA playoffs are all about matchups, and this one clearly favors the Pistons. The two teams are virtually identical in form, yet different iterations of each other. Conceptually, the Pistons are the Bulls, except possessing extra limbs, stronger teeth and more attractive girlfriends.

Tayshaun Prince is a smarter, more defensively polished version of Luol Deng. Chauncey Billups is a more battle-tested, clutch-er version of Kirk Hinrich. Rip Hamilton is a more role-defined Ben Gordon. Rasheed Wallace is either a more versatile, sleeker P.J. Brown, or a wilier version of Andres Nocioni. And at the center position, the offensive craftiness of Chris Webber cancels out the defensive prowess of Ben Wallace. Chicago's bench may be deeper, but it still resembles a daycare center in comparison to old souls like Antonio McDyess, Dale Davis, and championship ring-owners such as Lindsey Hunter and Nazr Mohammed.

The only domain in which the Bulls hold a clear advantage is coaching. Not to overcook my favorite topic, but Flip Saunders is a playoff nightmare. Of his many postseason deficiencies, his tardiness in making adjustments is perhaps the direst. Skiles, on the other hand, as he proved last series — in outwitting the great Riles — is a master of adaptation. That said, with the Pistons, there is nothing really to adapt to — you know going in what their tactics and what their rotations are. It is thus up to Skiles to force a wrinkle into this series, as Saunders is poor at playing catch-up. I'm not sure what exactly such an innovation would entail: Out-athleticizing the elder Pistons by running up and down more? Giving Tyrus Thomas more burn simply to wreak havoc? Amputating, then bronzing the apparently anacondian arms of Thabo Sefolosha and hanging them from the United Center rafters to signify entitlement? I fear that the surprise will be there is no surprise. We may be in for simply six solid games of gritty, blue-collar workmanship.

Obviously, I am writing this on the heels of the Warriors' victory over the Mavericks, wondering if the playoffs are now sapped of any further emotional intrigue or astonishment. Chris Webber's search for redemption is a charming story, as is the Bulls' attempt to recapture Jordan-era glory. However, they are mere trinkets compared to what we just witnessed in Oakland. The Warriors' series has completely annihilated our capacity to FEEL: What would have been a noteworthy subplot of revenge — Ben Wallace attempting to disprove his old coach's knocks on his offensive game vs. Detroit attempting to prove they no longer need Wallace's services to win a championship — is completely overshadowed by the fact that Don Nelson just peed on the caviar of a billionaire who owes him over six million bills. The standards for intrigue for the 2007 playoffs have been raised. I can no longer simply watch good basketball — I want proof of existence. 'Sheed, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Your friend and ours Dan Le Batard piles the dirt on the Heat's grave.

Chicago had only five turnovers. The Bulls essentially got out of the way and waited for the champs to fall on their face. Rarely has a defense of a basketball championship been this weak, embarrassing and short-lived. It is an unprecedented failure on O'Neal's resume. ''One of the most miserable experiences a man will ever have,'' Riley said.

So this time, the final image wasn't of Wade joyfully tossing the basketball toward the heavens and unleashing a basketball celebration unlike any this town had ever seen. This time, Wade was pulled out early and given a grieving hug by Riley and pity applause from the crowd after getting the ball stolen from him yet again.

Meanwhile, Bruce Willis drunkenly led his Nets to a commanding 3-1, and we won't have to hear many stories about Kobe for much longer. Shame, too: We hope he goes for 100 in the elimination game, just for giggles.

A Look At The Losers: Miami Heat [The Fanhouse]
Heat Loss Makes Us Appreciate Last Year [Miami Herald]

And that's it. The Miami Heat, with everything about their team and coaching staff just screaming championship, has been swept in the first round of the NBA playoffs. It's hard to believe. You look at Pat Riley and it doesn't even seem possible that his he'd get shut out in the first. That happens to coaches who look like Brian Hill, not Pat Riley. The defending champions haven't been swept in the opening round since 1957, when it happened to the Warriors.

Game 4 was the same old story. Luol Deng with 22, Ben Gordon with 24, the Bulls getting to the loose balls, and making the Heat look like an over-40 YMCA team. So long, Miami Heat ... but don't worry, the Dallas Mavericks might soon steal some of your shamed spotlight.

Chicago 92, Miami 79 [ESPN]

In the other games last night, the Raptors saved their fans the indignity of having to watch Vince Carter win on their court twice, and the Suns made it clear there will be no Kobe heroics this year. The first couple of games of any NBA playoff series, even the first round, essentially constitute a throat-clearing, a waking-up period when we decided which of these are going to be worth actually paying attention to. If last night is any indication ... well, go Warriors!

Bulls 107, Heat 89 [Blog A Bull]
Offense Soars In Game 2 Rout [Arizona Republic]

There are Chicago Bulls, however, who definitely wouldn't mind parking their Escalades on James Posey's crotch. Posey's made a career out of assaulting Chicago Bulls. Video evidence:

Tip is at 3:00 on ABC.

Free Darko Playoff Pants Party: Heat vs. Bulls [Deadspin]

And now, Dr. Lawyer IndianChief, from Free Darko, after the jump. Enjoy.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

I started writing this in my South Chicago apartment as it caught fire, and I might as well have kept writing until the damn thing burnt down. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO PLAY. Dwyane Wade is coming to town, and he has people from Oak Lawn to Robbins. Chris Quinn's Notre Dame frat brethren are downing Car Bombs over at Poag Mahone's. James Posey is saving up money to pay for his Flagrant-2's, and this time he's a bit tipsy.

Of course, the dude in the building that NOBODY in Chicagoland wants to talk about right now is The Daddy. Shaquille O'Neal still has some pre-2006 Larry Brown-related issues to work out regarding Ben Wallace poking and prodding all up in his midsection on the way to two consecutive finals appearances. Because Flip Saunders didn't give Wallace his proper burn during last year's Pistons-Heat series, Shaq feels like he didn't get that real-deal payback, that sensation of slamming a four-time defensive player of the year to the ground.

So, if Ben Wallace is listening, then I'm saying it loud and clear: Now is your time. You spent the year brooding, missing your friends in Detroit, looking for people in the locker-room that you could discuss Sade with and wondering why you were surrounded by guys born after the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded. You were unapproachable to teammates who played at better colleges than you did but who look up to you anyway. You had back pain. You watched the Chris Webber situation unfold and wondered if you could sulk your way on to a different team. You looked in the mirror, asking yourself if Tyson Chandler has better abs than you. Now you can earn that big contract. You can make John Paxson look like he knew what he was doing all along, and you can solidify your legend in Chicago.



Big Ben came out firing a lot of big words at Bulls media day back in October. He talked about showing what he could do offensively, wanting to prove doubters (including former coach Saunders) wrong about his deficiencies on the offensive end and letting people know that he hasn't lost a step on D. All that chatter amounted to a lot of missed free throws and many underwhelmed Bulls fans. Now is one of those special moments — just like when Cat Stevens nearly prayed to God to save him from drowning — that a man can seize on all that is before him, and alter his life course while inspiring people in the process.

Of course, Big Ben vs. Shaq is not the lone storyline. For one, the Bulls' frontline is more than just Wallace-deep. P.J. Brown is Louisiana levee-tough. Mike Sweetney is "well-rested." Martynas Andriuskevicius is seemingly still on the roster. Secondly, Shaq is ultimately going to get his points. I expect a cage match in the post and a dogfight on the perimeter, where Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordon are going to give Dwyane Wade (at 68 percent) and the banged up trio of Gary Payton, Jason Williams, and Eddie Jones a little more speed than they can handle. With these frontcourt/backcourt matchups essentially balancing each other out, the series must therefore be won in the spheres that are difficult to define, the absence of space, the trigonometry of a higher mental plane. I am of course referring to Chicago's dual Gobots, Tyrus Thomas and Luol Deng.



Luol Deng, the Bulls' team MVP provides too much versatility for the monolithic Udonis Haslem and the perpetually satisfied Antoine Walker. Next to Tracy McGrady, Deng was the most underappreciated do-it-all player of the 2006-07 season. While most pundits gawked at Dirk ("CAN YOU BELIEVE A SEVEN FOOT WHITE PLAYER IS STEPPING BACK TO SHOOT THE THREE?"), Deng combined the efficiency of Krzyewski-ball, the formalism of a South London upbringing and a variety of moves carried out with the pastoral serenity of the Sudanese Dinka tribe. Simply, Deng is an extremely tough matchup for the Heat, and the world will soon know his name.

Whereas Luol Deng embodies controlled chaos, Tyrus Thomas defines chaos in its purest form. Just saying the word "bracket" around Thomas gets his heart pumping Absinthe and increases his cognitive engagement to the point of instinctual telepathy. Thomas knows his next move before understanding what that next move really means. We saw him enter the season with a composed arrogance that has not waned throughout mild injuries, rookie struggles, fines and scrutiny for his expressed dunk contest apathy, Scott Skiles' mindgames and staccato transitions from 12th man to starter and back. Thomas recognizes the magnitude of the stage, and the role to which he is assigned. With Deng allowed to freelance, and Thomas as his understudy, the Bulls should prove too energetic for the Heat, causing Pat Riley's Irish eyes to glaze over, while wondering in which tropical location Bill Cowher is currently posted up.

And oh, to be a Bulls fan. With just one win last night, they'd play those Wizards in a rather pleasant first-round matchup. Instead, they have to face the Heat again in a series in which they're unlikely to be favored. Talk about a turnaround of fortune. It's enough to make a Bulls fan want to throw his hands up in despair, or at least wonder where the heck Ben Wallace went.

Our pals at Free Darko will be previewing each series over the next few days, and we cannot wait. The NBA matters again! Kind of!

Bulls Lose, Get 5th Seed, Face Miami, Season Not Over [Blog A Bull]

• Let's Hear It For The Second City. Kirk Hinrich provided some drama with 2.8 seconds left in the game, missing his first free throw and then making his next two, giving Chicago an 83-81 win over Detroit and clinching a playoff berth for the Bulls for the third straight season. Ben Gordon led the way with 25 points. Hinrich was fouled by Carlos Delfino on a 3-point attempt, leading to the free throws. But don't take our word for it; check out Bull Riding, which live-blogged the game. Our favorite line: "5:45 left — Craig Sager looks like a plum."

• Give Elgin His Props. Good column today at SFGate by Scott Ostler on Elgin Baylor, one of only four men in NBA history to have scored 50 or more points three games in a row. Baylor holding the ball on the wing was like a balloon about to slip out of your fingers as you're blowing it up. No two drives were alike. He learned the game on the playgrounds of Washington D.C. and he had a bag of tricks — pumps, twists, spins, glides — that nobody had seen before and nobody knew how to stop. ... That was a half century ago. Now Kobe and LeBron do things that Baylor didn't do. They are the latest and greatest in a long line of creative acrobats, and it all started with Elgin.

• Shootout At The Oracle. Big excitement in the Bay Area after Golden State toppled Phoenix 124-119, shooting in front with a 45-point first quarter and then holding on in the fourth. Jason Richardson had a franchise-record eight 3-pointers and 36 points for the Warriors, who moved within one game of the Los Angeles Clippers (for which Elgin Baylor is the GM) for the Western Conference's final postseason spot. It would be Golden State's first playoff berth since 1994. And are we reading this correctly? Did Golden State of Mind call this upset by the exact point margin? Those boys are haunted.

• Ah, Griz. If we were the betting type, we would have wagered everything on Memphis not winning back-to-back games this season. We would have lost. The Grizzlies made 35 of 36 free throws and rookie Tarence Kinsey had 20 points in a 96-92 win over Portland on Thursday. All of this has delighted Beale Street Beat no end, as one might imagine.

• Ursines Bovines 1, Equines 0. As the nation anxiously awaits the match race between Charles Barkley and referee Dick Bavetta (we're installing Bavetta as a 3-1 favorite, get you bets in now), we bide our time by examining the exploits of P.J. Brown, whose defense and key points in the fourth quarter helped Chicago break Dallas' eight-game win streak, 96-85. Dirk Nowitzki had 28 points for the Mavericks, but was only 7-for-22 from the field. Ben Gordon had 30 points for the Bulls.

• Nets Suffer The Worst Cuttino Of All . Cuttino Mobley's 3-pointer with 0.6 seconds left gave the Clippers a 102-101 victory over the Nets, the third straight game LA has been beaten at the final buzzer. Vince Carter scored 33 points for the Nets, who had lost only one game by two points or less all of last season.

• American Idol. It's official; LeBron James is your top vote-getter for the All-Star Game, where he will start for the East along with Chris Bosh, Shaquille O'Neal, Dwyane Wade and Gilbert Arenas. The West will go with Kevin Garnett, Yao Ming (the second highest vote getter), Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady. The fact that O'Neal and Yao have missed significant chunks of the season with injuries didn't weight on the voters' minds, evidently. Hopefully there'll be more scoring than in the NHL All-Star game, anyway.

• It's Always Sunny In Phoenix. Suns and Bulls in the NBA Finals? Considering that they are the two hottest teams in the NBA right now, why not? Amare Stoudemire had 28 points on Tuesday to lead Phoenix to its 15th straight win, 116-98 over the Raptors. The Suns try to extend the NBA's longest winning streak in seven seasons at Denver on Wednesday night. That should be interesting.

• New Monsters Of The Midway. Meanwhile, Chicago won its 12th game in 13 tries in a 94-89 win over the Lakers. And now because you demand it, your Thabo Sefolosha quote of the week: "That was big tonight. We really needed that one. Tonight, we really showed that we have a great team.''

• Band On The Run. On Saturday Ben Wallace was a rebel — even though he was told by the Bulls not to wear his headband, he wore it anyway, and was benched by coach Scott Skiles. (See? Rebellious.) But on Tuesday he toed the party line, playing sans head strip in a 102-85 win over the Knicks, in which he scored eight points and had 12 rebounds. But then, a bit of retribution, as Wallace made the Bulls look bad. On Saturday the team said that Wallace sustained a sprained finger and wrist, On Tuesday, Wallace said the injury was much worse — ligament damage and bone chips. Nice try Chicago, but Ben Wallace is in the No-Spin Zone!

• What Could Possibly Go Wrong?. All is well with the Houston Rockets. Yao Ming had 25 points as the Rockets tripped up the Timberwolves 82-75, Houston winning their fourth str ... on no, McGrady down! Tracy McGrady is down! (Bruised hip, finished with eight points).

• Bucks Finally Fight Back. Michael Redd's 45 points helped Milwaukee end the horror that has been their series with the Lakers ... LA had won ten straight until Tuesday's 109-105 Bucks victory. Redd had two four-point plays, by the way.

• Happy Trails. Danny Granger, from New Mexico, scored 21 points to lead the Pacers over Trail Blazers 105-97. And that's how they roll in the 505!

• Then Why Do They Keep Scheduling Them?. The Clippers shot a league single game worst 30.6 percent from the floor, losing to the Kings 93-80, their 14th consecutive win over LA.

Wallace entered the game with a headband on, but Skiles didn't notice the evil effects of it until 2:02 had elapsed. At that point, he pulled Wallace from the game. Ben took the headband off and played out the first half, but when the second half began, he took the court with the headband on again. Skiles again yanked him from the game before play could start. Chicago hasn't seen a brazen act of defiance like that since Bill Wennington had his chest hair permed and frosted.

It's hard to imagine what Skiles has against headbands, but hey, those are the man's rules. You have to wonder if Ben Wallace is regretting signing with Chicago. His numbers right now are the worst they've been since 99/00 with Orlando, and had he stayed in Detroit, Flip Saunders would probably let him take the court in a coat made from bald eagle feathers before he said anything.

Skiles enforces the law [Chicago Sun-Times]

• There's Got To Be A Morning After. It was a gala evening for the Miami Heat, as they accepted their championship rings and had their world title banner hoised to the rafters. There was also a video, prizes, games for the kids ... what? We're supposed to play a game now? Suffice it to say, Bulls 108, Heat 66.

• We Hear Nicholson Also Skipped This One. Are we witnessing the beginning of the Lamar Odom era? The dawn of the Andrew Bynum epoch? Odom's 34 points lead Lakers over Suns, 114-106 (please come back, Kobe).

• Knicks Remain Undefeated. Meanwhile, Nate Robinson is praising coach Isiah Thomas in his blog, reporting that the Knicks' coach "is talking about the playoffs, putting a lot of confidence in us." In other news, we're talking about totally making out with Scarlett Johansson.

• 1. El Doh! Andr s Nocioni, who won a gold medal with the Argentine national team at the 2004 Olympics, shares both Argentine and Italian citizenship. His nickname is Chapu, after the Mexican children's TV series El Chapul n Colorado, which in Argentina is as popular as The Simpsons.

• 2. Not Chicken Feed. January 1991: The world famous San Diego Chicken grabs a Chicago Bulls cheerleader, dances with her and rolls her on the floor. She later sues and is awarded $317,000 in damages. — (Thanks to Garson Fischer).

• 3. Can't We All Just Get Along? Thabo Sefolosha, who was born in Vevey, Switzerland, has lived in five countries and speaks three languages (Italian, French and English).

• 4. Clank. Ben Wallace isn't just a poor free throw shooter; he is one of the worst free throw shooters in NBA history. As of October 2005, his NBA career average was 42.0 percent, the worst of any NBA player ever with 1,000 or more attempts. He has one of the best afros in the history of the game, however, which is only seen at home games. For road games he goes with cornrows, due to the fact that he used to get teased about his hair when he played on the road.

• 5. Bend It Like Deng. "Asylum Seeker" Luol Deng, a British citizen who was born in Wow, Sudan, recently signed a five-year, 41.6 million pound deal that made him one of the highest paid British sports stars ever; even ahead of David Beckham. — (Thanks to P. Whiteford).

Monday: The Indiana Pacers.

Oh, and this was the last graph of the AP story: "In 2005, another Bulls mascot, Da Bull, was sentenced to probation for 11/2 years for possession of cannabis with intent to deliver."

Thankfully, Ben Wallace heard of none of this before he signed.

Mess With The Bull Mascot, Get The Horns [MSNBC]
IndeBENdence Day [Blog A Bull]