Deadspin
As Tiger Woods begins his march for yet another Masters victory, we look deep into the soul of a champion, try to figure out what makes him who he is, why he is dominant, who he is inside. For some insight, we check out this quote from golf announcer David Feherty, who describes an ongoing contest he has with Tiger.
"I've never beaten him," Feherty insists. "He doesn't allow himself to lose anything, including his sense of fun. Going into the final day of last year's Buick Open, which would be his 50th win, I had assumed he was too preoccupied to remember we were tied in our juvenile contest at eight each. But when he came out of the scorer's tent, I offered him my hand, which he grasped, and I heard an almost imperceptible squeak. He looked me in the eye, and deadpanned, I win'. "
We will not deny that it brings us considerable relief and even a bit of cheer that the most dominant athlete in sports grasps the simple, sublime pleasures of a fart joke. In fact: Go Tiger! (Note: Vijay Singh has almost certainly never made a fart joke.)
Voice Of US Golf Has An Irish Accent [The Herald]
Comments
You stay classy, Tiger.
/Required/
@J-No: Indeed.
Like Vijay's sphincter every unclenches.
Who does Number 2 work for?
I offered him my hand, which he grasped, and I heard an almost imperceptible squeak.
Whereas Colin Montgomerie would have grasped his hand and accidentally sharted.
Vijay makes plenty of queef jokes though.
An imperceptible squeak?
That is not what a man's fart should sound like! C'mon, Tiger, let 'er rip!!
Goodbye fried rice, hello fried chicken. And hello fried chicken shits.
But how would he react if someone ripped one while he was trying to putt?
Tiger's farts smell like magnolia blossoms.
Jim Nantz says that kind of behavior has no place in the great game of golf. Because he is a douchebag.
...and John Daly crapped his pants.
ok, that was kinda cool
I bet Tiger throws the controller if he loses in Madden.
Dr. Stewart: Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty, I ripped that one out there and I apologize. I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
Gary Phelps: That was not nice.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
Gary Phelps: What was that?
/Adam Sandler
In this case, if Sergio spits, I don't want to know what Davis Love leaves in the cup.
I knew I liked him.
You never, ever, want to get into this contest with John Daly.
@Bob Sheppard's Flock: He'd have Steve Williams go Azamat on the guy.
if there was a farting contest between Tiger and Phil Mickleson, it's my guess that Tiger would let out a miraculous, majestic earth mover of a fart, while Phil would grimace for about 5 seconds and then promptly shit in his pants.
Phil can't squeeze one out in the clutch
Vijay Singh farts curry
Is too much to ask that Feherty uses lines from "Tiger Woods 07" while announcing this week?
Tiger, stay away from Daley when you rip one! Although lighting one at Augusta would totally make me a golf fan. Uptight bastards
I hate to be "that guy", but I really recommend the rest of the article. Rather revealing stuff from Feherty there.
Damnit Wahoo! Us injuns think alike
FIGJAM is +1 through one... If he shoots an 84, does he still love his kids??
Charles Howell III doesn't fart - he "fluffs".
True story: Daly and his wife were backstage at an impromptu Edwin McCain concert in Greensboro, NC a couple of years ago and both were dining on some ham in the green room when Daly turns to his wife and says, "Careful with that ham, honey. You know your gonna have a strip of bacon in your panties in the morning." He then headed to the stage where he played a raucous and inspired 47 minute version of Knocking on Heaven's Door. Not a dry eye in the house.
g-olf?
@Roy Hobbs: Elin Nordegren's queefs smell like magnolia blossoms.
Fixed.
Between that and Tiger calling John Smoltz his personal ATM, it's nearly impossible to dislike the guy today.
+1 Upshaw's Leash
What, did somebody step on a duck?
Hopefully if Vaughan Taylor wins, they'll set cars on fire on Washington Rd...
Vijay doesn't unclench, but he might try to take credit for someone else's fart.
Tiger farts excellence.
@sebben:
Barking spiders...
Vijay squeezes a whoopee cushion and then swears at you loudly for telling him that he cheated.
When Sergio goes to fart, he actually pisses.
Ok, so I've gone back and forth about telling this story, but I figure if Deadspin isn't the place for this, where else is?
Last summer, a couple of friends and I played 9 after work a few times per week. These were very casual rounds; beer, weed, peeing while on the course and of course, intentional distractions were tolerated and often celebrated. After unleashing a nasty push-slice, due solely* to my friend cracking open a Bud Light during my backswing, I vowed to up the ante. The next day, I ate two bowls of Kashi Golean at lunch, followed by chili shortly thereafter. That afternoon, I successfully cranked out a beaut during the backswing of almost every tee shot on a challenging hole. While I have no hard evidence to support it, I like to believe that my ass was responsible for at least a couple of bogies.
*not at all
Finally, something I can beat Tiger at.
Wow, I did this with some friends over the course of our entire eighth-grade school year. I won by a large margin, which was kind of unexpected considering I was the smallest guy of the group.
I'm officially a Tiger fan now, needless to say.
But do they ever incorporate stink-palms into their repetoire?
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