Please Come To Altoona, Will Ferrell!

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!

Hope springs eternal in Altoona, Pa., where the local Class AA Eastern League Pittsburgh Pirates affiliate, the Curve, await a very special guest on Monday. Will Ferrell has been invited to throw out the first pitch in the Curve's game against the Akron Aeros, and to meet and greet fans. This will be a glorious day for fans of baseball and comedy alike; except for one minor, possible hitch: Ferrell has not said that he will attend. In fact, it's quite possibly that he knows nothing about it.

Billy Joel And Pork Rind Sculpting: Your Week Is Hereby Planned

Minor Enterprise has a way of pleasin', I don't know why it is, but there doesn't have to be a reason. Anyway ...

If you can attend only one Brooklyn Cyclones game over the next few days, I pity you; because it's going to be nearly impossible to choose between the two blockbuster promotions depicted above. Tribute to Billy Joel, or Salute to the Pork Rind? Wiser men than me have considered this dilemma and failed. So I suggest skipping that bar exam and attending both. Just consider the potential rewards.

Dave Rozema's Infamous Karate Kick, Immortalized In Bobble Form At Last

It may be a short week for Deadspin, but it's a big week for minor league baseball promotions ... so drop your pants and fire a rocket for Minor Enterprise.

The glorious career of former pitcher Dave Rozema is cherished and studied by every drunkard, reprobate, fuckoff, ne're-do-well, rascal, rotter, tosspot, brawler, bounder, lout, louse, screwup, barfly, dipsomaniac, tippler, pug and toker who ever followed the Detroit Tigers. And by many, many other baseball fans as well. This is a man whose exploits nearly defy description, both on the field and off. But for all of his deeds and misdeeds, the crowning moment had to be on May 14, 1982, during a benches-clearing brawl between the Tigers and Minneosta Twins.

The Western Michigan Whitecaps Will Restore Balance To The Universe

Welcome to Minor Enterprise. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Saturday is Star Wars Night with the Western Michigan Whitecaps, where once again science fiction geek and baseball stat nerd call truce and come together for a night of revelry and excitement ("Hey, give me back my inhaler!"). Never before have so many costumed Star Wars characters descended on a minor league ballpark. Never before have your children witnessed Emperor Palpatine taking a leak in a trough urinal. Never before have so many adults been driven to the game by their parents. Plus, the players will be wearing Star Wars-themed jerseys (shown following the jump), Darth Vader will throw out the first pitch, and the National Anthem will be played on guitar by a Clone Trooper. And it's all for charity!

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Long Beach Armada Pulling Out All The Stops For The Plumber

It's time once again for the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award-winning series Minor Enterprise, where we extol the virtues of minor league baseball, its promotions, and the women who love them.

They really know how to have fun in the Golden Baseball League, don't they? Friday is Plumber Appreciation Night with the Long Beach Armada, in which the team plans a dazzling array of events to pay tribute to James Denton, better known as Mike the Plumber on ABC's hit series Desperate Housewives (don't play dumb; no one's buying it). Denton is also part-owner of the Orange County Flyers, which take on the Armada in a three-game series beginning Friday. Let the fun begin.

What's More Fun Than Sprinting California Rolls?

Dance The Night Away With The Ft. Myers Miracle

Time to put down your drink, turn up the music (it''s Shining Star by Earth Wind and Fire, I believe) and step to the rhythm of Minor Enterprise. Come on, who's dancing?

Hard to believe that it's been 10 years since Seinfeld went into self-imposed retirement, and it's an anniversary that hasn't gone unnoticed by the Ft. Myers Miracle of the Class A Florida State League. Tonight is "We Love The Drake Night" at Hammond Stadium, the most elaborate Seinfeld tribute ever staged in a professional baseball setting (and I've seen them all). Sweet fancy Moses!

"The promo is for lovers of Seinfeld like myself," said Miracle director of promotions Gary Sharp. "The diehards get the reference to "The Drake," and we are doing the usual giveaways of DVD's and Seinfeld merchandise." But the greatest component of this gala evening will no doubt be the Elaine dance-off, in which all dancers who are worse than Elaine Benes will win a prize. I just can't imagine the horror of that (see video below) ... won't someone please think of the children!? But tickets are going fast so act now.

Still Krazy After All These Years

So these three kids in Oakland Athletics Little League uniforms come up to me and ask who the manic little bald man with the drum is. They had seen me talking with him, but hadn't worked up the nerve to approach him themselves. "That's Krazy George, the most famous cheerleader of all time," I say. They look at me blankly. "He's worked for the Houston Oilers and the Kansas City Chiefs." Nothing. "He invented The Wave." That did it: Their eyes light up. The Wave! They run off to get his autograph.

I can see you rolling your eyes. A cheerleader? The Wave? Come on. I suppose he also wears an onion on his belt? But to those who have seen him in person, dissing Krazy George is like insulting the skills of Walter Payton, or throwing away your Willie Mays baseball cards. He's the grand old man of cheerleading; a genuine force of nature with an impressive resume of mischief, including the time he pissed off Chuck Noll so badly that the Steelers' coach tried to have him banned from the NFL.

He was also once involved in an infamous bidding war between two legendary NFL owners; fought a lion to a draw at a soccer game; owns a black belt in judo; and bills himself as the World's Sexiest Professional Cheerleader. Krazy George still has game, so get off your hands and get involved; it's not like you have a choice.

Spend The Hereafter In Style Thanks To The Grand Prairie Airhogs

The Altoona Curve Salutes All Quitters (And You Know Who You Are)

It's Minor Enterprise, where we chronicle the glory and spectacle of minor league baseball promotions, pausing only to hail the beer vendor every half inning or so.

The Altoona Curve just can't quit you. Many others have it down to a science, however; and it's those notorious few, who have said "No mas" when we least expected it, whom the Curve will honor on Tuesday, June 3, in their Salute to Quitters Night at Blair County Ballpark in Altoona, Pa.

"Whether you've ever tried to quit smoking or quit in the middle of a fight with Sugar Ray Leonard, this is the night for you," said Curve Director of Promotions Matt Hoover. "Bobby Petrino, Rich Rodriguez, Bobby Knight; what do these people all have in common? They all sprinted out the back door and quit on their teams. On Tuesday we'll honor them all, plus, the front office staff is even going to dress as quitters (Hoover plans to go as boxer Roberto Duran)."

But the highlight of the night will be when the Curve pick an ultimate quitter from the stands, and present him with a very special gift.

Johnny Lawrence Can Still Sweep The Leg

It's time for Minor Enterprise, which celebrates Minor League baseball and all else that is good and great about America. And now, please rise as William Hung sings his rendition of our National Anthem ...

May 15 was Totally Rad '80s Night with the Fresno Grizzlies, and by all accounts it did not disappoint. Front and center was Cobra Kai menace Johnny Lawrence (aka Billy Zabka), in the middle in this picture here, taken on Thursday with his new gang. Johnny really hasn't changed all that much from the looks of this photo. Bobby; I want him out of commission! Looks like he could still grab your boom box at the beach and throw it violently into the sand.

Saints Be Praised: St. Paul Rewriting The Book On Baseball Promotions

Welcome To Minor Enterprise, in which we celebrate the world of minor league baseball promotions, and occasionally help local police solve crimes. Today, a profile on the Independent American Association's St. Paul Saints, who are blazing new trails in creative baseball promotion.

It's pretty safe to say that Midway Stadium in St. Paul, Minn., is the only minor league ballpark in America where one can get a professional massage from a real Catholic nun. Pictured here is Sister Rosalind, who has been doling out massage therapy at St. Paul Saints games since 1993 ($8 per ten minutes. Please form an orderly line). But fans don't bat an eye, because the spectacle of a grown man getting a massage from a nun in the mezzanine section is really nothing special here.

Gamecock And Blowie, Together At Last

Baby's First Breathalyzer Exam: Priceless

Cubs Preparing For When Ryne Sandberg Becomes Their Manager

On May 15, The Fresno Grizzlies Will Sweep The Leg

Time once again for Minor Enterprise, a celebration of God's gift of Minor League baseball promotions, mascots and fans. Also, The View's Joy Behar dishes celebrity gossip.

We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. What do we study here? THE WAY OF THE FIST, SIR. And what is that way? STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY, SIR. And when the Fresno Grizzlies stage a promotion, they also take no prisoners. Thursday, May 15 is Totally Rad '80s Night at Chukchansi Park, where the honored guest will be Cobra Kai karate dojo bad boy Johnny Lawrence. Yes, Daniel-san's nemesis, in person. Not for the meek!

Finally, A Pro Baseball Team With Glow-In-The-Dark Caps

Deadspin Vs. Cat Lady. Let's Watch The Fun