Realizing that anything can be successful and make millions of dollars if you just attach Tebow's name to it, the Miracle, a Twins single-A affiliate, had quite a night of reverent revelry planned for us all:

•Promise rings given out to all fans.
•Coaches getting out of jams by asking themselves "What would Tim Tebow do?"
•A jump-pass to the catcher as the ceremonial first pitch.
•A mock circumcision celebrating his missionary work.
•A local construction worker named Timothy Tebo attempting to walk on water.

I am not making any of these things up.

But we were deprived of much of the fun by that old 1-2 punch of threatened litigation and acts of God. First the circumcision was nixed due to questions of taste. Then Florida sent a letter to the team putting a kibosh on any Tebow references:

Under NCAA rules it is not permissible to use the name or picture of a student-athlete in the promotion of a commercial product or service," the e-mail from Jamie McCloskey, UF senior associate athletic director said. "This would include the promotion and marketing of What Would Tim Tebow Do? Night."

So the promotion was changed to "Would Would T.T. Do?" Doesn't have the same ring, but it gets the job done. Still, Someone was not too happy with the shots at His second begotten son.

A funnel cloud could be seen with the naked eye, prompting some fans to question whether or not the big man upstairs was sending a warning to the Miracle for mocking Tebow, who is often referred to by Florida football fans as "The Chosen One."

Andrew Wynot, a Florida fan who attended his first Miracle game because of the promotion, said he didn't buy the speculation, saying that Tebow would never use destruction as a form of vengeance.

"I think Tim Tebow is a fan of anything related to getting his name out there," Wynot said. "I don't think Tim Tebow would send destruction on us."

I think an old Jim Croce song is appropriate here.

You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with Tim

Tebow: The Minor League Baseball Gimmick [TimTeblog]
UF Sacks Miracle's 'What Would Tim Tebow Do?' Night [Naples Daily News]

When the real thing was served up Thursday, the spectacle drew a mix of reactions. Children were afraid.
"It's scary, almost," said 12-year-old Aaron Wisner, of Grand Rapids. Women were mortified. "Oh, my God, it looks horrible. I'm going to take a picture of it," said Leslie Rader, 22, of Walker.

Yes, children were afraid.

On the whole, however, the giant burger was no match for Whitecaps fans, 17 of whom completed the entire thing in a special picnic table area of Fifth Third Ballpark during Opening Day on Thursday. Witness the glory below:

Steve Landis, 16, was the first to finish.

As the Kenowa Hills High School student neared the end, he ferociously forked up toppings to become the first Fifth Third Burger challenge winner. "I wasn't quite sure. Should I be proud of him or not?" said his mom, 43-year-old Barb Landis.

His father, 45-year-old Dick Landis, insisted an empty stomach wasn't the key to his success. He said his son warmed up by eating a hearty breakfast and following that up with a trip to a Chinese buffet for lunch.

Meanwhile, the commenters at MLive.com turned the burger story into a debate over the pirates in Somalia. So predictable.

Giant Fifth Third Burger Served Up At Whitecaps Opener; 17 Manage To Eat The Whole Thing [Grand Rapids Press]

Whitecaps director of marketing Mickey Graham never thought that he'd be spending the better part of the past two weeks defending a giant hamburger. But the team's Fifth Third Burger, a gargantuan meal to be offered in the Whitecaps' concession area this season, has drawn attacks from both a vegan advocacy group, and the fine folks at PETA. The latter is demanding that the Whitecaps also include a Fifth Third Veggie Burger on its menu.

"Just when you think that the news cycle is over on this, something else comes up," Whitecaps' director of marketing Mickey Graham told me by phone. "Originally we thought this burger idea would be funny, and get people talking for a little while. But we're still getting emails by the hour. Most people love it.

"We don't really expect one person to eat the entire burger," Graham said. "Most people will divide it among the family; chop it up into four pieces."

The Class A, Midwest League team now has a new promotion beyond the outfield wall to compliment the burger: A giant plunger that moves up and down and shoots water onto fans (video here). No word yet on restroom expansion or additional plumbing.

Baseball Park Adds Gargantuan Burger To The Menu [The PETA Files]
West Michigan Whitecaps [Official Site]

Chris Farley's Saturday Night Live sketch lives on with the Quad Cities River Bandits (Class A, Midwest League), whose promotion, Van Down by the River, will be ongoing this season at Modern Woodmen Park.

Each home game, eight lucky fans will be chosen by WXLP 97x, a Davenport, Iowa radio station, to watch a game from the outfield berm at Modern Woodmen Park, which happens to be nestled right next to the Mississippi River. The promotion was one of three voted in by River Bandit fans.

"It really is the kind of van that Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker would have lived in," River Bandits vice president and general manager Kirk Goodman told me by phone. "We bought an old van off of Craigslist. Its a 1978 GMC Rally Six, with rust spots and a carpet that you wouldn't want to see under a CSI light. The guy we bought it from was actually arrested that same day. It was perfect."

A daily jackpot will accumulate, and if the van is hit with a home run ball (which could be a common occurrence, I'm told), the occupants will win the cash. The van is currently being painted with the radio station's logo and outfitted with fuzzy dice, but Goodman promised us photos once that's done.

"We bought the van for $500," Goodman said. "We offered a trade for game tickets, but the guy turned that down. He did say that he would take a bag of weed, though."

Van Down by the River actually finished second in fan voting to Bandit Wedding, in which a couple will be chosen to be wed at the ballpark on Fan Appreciate Day. Elvis Night finished third. In case you're wondering, the Quad Cities are Davenport and Bettendorf, Iowa, and Rock Island and Moline, Ill. The River Bandits are a St. Louis Cardinals affiliate.

Bandit Wedding Voted Best Promotion [Quad City River Bandits]

See, this is what Al Gore has been preaching all along. From the Lake Elsinore press release:

"You can probably deduce that All-You-Can-Eat ballpark food might lead to substantial gas subtle emissions, which is where corporate sponsor, Subtle Butt, enters the picture. Made of activated carbon fabric, each disposable 3.25" square shield is held onto the inside of the underwear with two self-adhesive strips. Subtle Butt effectively filters flatulence, absorbing and neutralizing its odor."

Therefore, the first 250 fans in attendance at every "Fat Tuesday" ballgame (the first is on April 14) , will receive a free product sample of Subtle Butt.

This idea hasn't made it to the majors just yet, but since the Storm is an affiliate of the San Diego Padres, the graphic to the right here may be especially appropriate.

Video here.

Subtle Butt is produced by a company called Garment Guard, whose founder, Kim Olenicoff, grew up with Storm assistant general manager Allan Benavides. "Our office is full of girls, and all we do all day long is talk about farting and sweat," Olenicoff told Ben's Business Blog. "We've never partnered with anyone before, but in Minor League Baseball we might have found the perfect niche."

Now available in four sizes: Small, medium, large and burrito.

Subtle Butt [Garment Guard]
A Subtle Way To Curb Ballpark Emissions [Bensbizblog]

Actually, both the BlueClaws (Single-A, South Atlantic League Phillies affiliate) and the Trenton Thunder (Double-A, Eastern League Yankees affiliate) are adopting the unusual promotion this season, expanding their traditional "Kids Eat Free Mondays" to every home game in an effort to help parents deal with the troubled economy. And, let's face it, it can't hurt ticket sales. Any kid 12 or under attending a game hosted by either team will get a voucher for free grub.

"Minor league baseball has always been a family-oriented game, and with the economy in the shape it's in and parents have trouble making ends meet, this seemed like a good idea," BlueClaws general manager Geoff Brown told me by phone today. "Shop Rite sponsored our 'Kids Eat Free Monday' promotion last year, and this year they've agreed to sponsor us for every home game."

In case you're wondering, that's about $105,000 worth of food. Last season, when the promotion ran only on Mondays, it cost approximately $18,000. So how can they afford to do it? Lakewood and Trenton, the only two affiliated Minor League Baseball teams in New Jersey, together average around 900,000 fans per year. Lakewood has led the league in attendance for the past eight years. So while the state of the economy is pounding some minor league teams, the BlueClaws and Thunder aren't feeling the pinch quite as much.

"The Jersey shore area has a tourist-based economy, so it's not like we've got a big auto plant closing and everyone is losing their job," Brown said. "Our fan base is about 1.1 million, which jumps up about a million-plus over the summer. So we're not hurting for fans. When the economy is bad, people may cancel that trip to Disney World, but they're not going to skip that trip to the shore."

So it's all the more impressive that the two teams are stepping up and helping out; changing the world, one hot dog at a time.

"It's nice to be able to give back a little to the community, because they've always supported us," Brown said. "That give and take is what baseball at this level is all about."

Both teams, however, appear to be courting doom with their upcoming "CC Sabathia Eats Free" promotions in July.

Kids To Eat Free At Every 2009 BlueClaws Home Game [Lakewood BlueClaws]

"The Class A affiliate of the White Sox down in Winston-Salem, formerly known as the Warthogs, went through the whole spiel of having fans vote on a new name for their team, but even after they chose the unfortunate "Winston-Salem Dash" someone topped them in the bad decision department by designing a logo that's reminiscent of an angry, frothing, purple phallus.

"Maybe we're overreacting here and this is all a case of our admittedly adolescent minds acting up, but see for yourselves at wsdash.com

Thanks."

Due to the citizens of the Northstar State being unable to fill in an oval with a No. 2 pencil, the U.S. Senate race between Coleman and Franken is deadlocked at 42 percent each, facilitating a recount. With a little less than 50 percent of the ballots re-tabulated, Coleman's lead is down to 136 votes. And so the Saints, an Independent American Association baseball team, have their first promotional idea for the 2009 season.

The figurine will consist of one head with Coleman’s face on one side and Franken’s on the other. The body of the doll features that of the famous Sesame Street Count (Count von Count) with a suit, bow tie and cape. The head will spin reminding fans of the dizzying experience that has been this state’s U.S. Senate race.

"We realize that by the time we hand these out in May, the election will, hopefully, be decided," Saints director of media relations Sean Aronson told Deadspin. "But fans are going to want these as collector's items, just as in past promotions. We also came up with the Senator Larry Craig Bobbleleg Doll during the offseason."

Yes, that was a classic.

The first 2,500 fans through the gates on May 23 for the Saints game against the Sioux Falls Canaries will get a doll, with me right behind on eBay. There will also be a coloring competition where the winner will be the person who can correctly color inside of an oval shaped object. And following the third inning, no matter the score, the Saints will claim victory.

Of course the whole reason this race is tied in the first place is due to Independent Senate candidate Dean Barkley, who siphoned off 12 percent of the vote. Barkley had this to say about the Saints' promotion:

“The Saints have really outdone themselves with this one. I am glad, however, they decided not to make this a talking doll. Norm-Al will look great on someone’s shelf — silently.”

Awesome. Let's just skip the other two and put him in.

Saints Will "Re"Count Coleman-Franken Race [St. Paul Saints]
Day 3: Recount Resumes With Coleman Still In Lead [Minnesapolis Star Tribune]

From Indy Cornrows:

The local minor league baseball team has gone in a new direction and changed their nickname to the Tincaps. Apparently,Johnny Appleseed wasn't just a legend in some childrens books but a real American pioneer who is buried in Fort Wayne. So the Tincaps are an homage to Mr. umm...Appleseed.

Check out the mascot for the Tincaps. Never in my life have I seen such a vicious apple. No doubt he has his eyes set on an eventual showdown with Nightmare Ant. I'm smellin' a pay-per-vew picnic at a Johnny Appleseed Park in Fort Wayne. Let's get it on!

The TinCaps were formerly known as the Fort Wayne Wizards, who changed their name this year. No official reason was given for the switch, but when it was revealed recently that Dumbledore was gay, well, this is the Midwest, you know.

Although I seem to remember this as the rejected Funny Face instant drink character "Restraining Order Apple."

Fort Wayne Tincaps

Fans are encouraged to wear their Giants or Patriots gear to the stadium for a night of poking fun at the most infamous imperfect team in history. Every fan wearing NFL gear will get in free! Plus, take in our special salutes to the best imperfect teams and moments in sports history!

You had me at the Bubba Grape reenactment, but there will also be this bit of inspired theater: The Jammers will hold a "wide right" contest, in which fans will attempt to miss field goals just like the Buffalo Bills' Scott Norwood in Super Bowl XXV.

* = technically not the next best thing.

Salute To Imperfection Night Aug. 28 [Jamestown Jammers]
Top 10 Upcoming Promotions [MiLB.com]

My favorite promotion was probably the Fresno Grizzlies' Totally Rad 80s Night, in which Karate Kid bad boy Johnny Lawrence made his triumphant return. And don't forget glow-in-the-dark caps! But now the season ends as you suspected it might: with Michael Jackson's 50th birthday party, and midget wrestling. My only regret is that they couldn't figure out a way to combine these. Wait, actually, Michael did. But a jury voted for acquittal.

Upcoming promotions:

Hockey Night. Friday, Aug. 22, Binghamton Mets (Class AA Eastern League). The Mets combine forces with the Binghamton Senators of the American Hockey League to transform NYSEG Stadium into a hockey arena, complete with giant inflatable hockey helmet. Also, there's a slap shot competition.

Salute To The Metric System. Saturday, Aug. 23, Fresno Grizzlies (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). In addition to theme night festivities, the first 2,500 fans will receive their first metric lesson of the night in the form of a Grizzlies collectible 473-mililiter cup (pint cup) presented by the American Lung Association. What could be more fun than a party based on weights and measurements?

Browns-Steelers Night. Sunday, Aug. 24, Mahoning Valley Scrappers (Class A New York-Penn League). Niles, Ohio, home of the Scrappers, is located smack dab between Cleveland (70 miles away) and Pittsburgh (77 miles). So they'll honor both teams, with former Steelers wide receiver Louis Lipps and one-time Browns receiver Reggie Langhorne both in attendance. I see no way this could end in violence.

Midget Wrestling. Aug. 28, Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). The most politically incorrect of all sporting events, as only Florida can stage it. The mighty mites grapple in the ring with the title belt on the line. Wait ... who's intro music is that? ...

Jack-o Turns 5-0. Aug. 29, Hudson Valley Renegades (Class A New York-Penn League). Fans will be serenaded with Michael Jackson hits throughout the game, and participate in MJ-themed contests and trivia. All boys 12-under admitted free! (May not be true).

Jonathan Papelbon Bronze Statue Giveaway. Sept. 1, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). I'm camping out on eBay one minute following the conclusion of this game.

Obama Wins Another Bobblection. The Quad Cities River Bandits (Class A Midwest League) handed out Barack Obama and John McCain bobbleheads on Saturday, with Obama prevailing in a bobbleslide, 1,000 to 575. So Deadspin is calling Iowa for Obama.

Mascot of the Week. Steamer, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Steamer eats children! The horror! [Thanks to Eric Angevine]

Barak Barack Obama.

If presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama wins the election in November, he will look back at the Goldklang Group’s “Bobblection 2008” as his springboard to the White House. Obama finished a clean sweep taking the Fort Myers vote on Monday night, to complete a six-city blanking of John McCain. Obama garnered 54.4% of the vote (500 bobbleheads), while McCain notched 45.6% of the vote (419 bobbleheads). The six cities represent the homes of Goldklang Group teams.

The junior United States Senator from Illinois started strong at Hammond Stadium and never looked back. The first 10 voters marked their ballot for Obama. McCain tried to rally late, but came up short for the sixth straight day. Four years ago, George Bush defeated John Kerry 53% to 47% in Fort Myers. The tally was nearly identical to the final national percentages.

Upon entering Hammond Stadium, fans were directed to actual Lee County Election voting machines to cast their vote. After voting electronically, the fan then picked up their bobblehead of choice. Obama was declared the winner when all 500 of his bobbleheads were gone.

The breakdown:

• Hudson Valley, NY (Renegades): 750 (51.3%) 713 (48.7%)

• Brockton, MA (Rox): 500 (52.3%) 456 (47.7%)

• Charleston, SC (RiverDogs): 500 (58.1%) 360 (41.9%)

• St. Paul, MN (Saints): 1250 (58%) 906 (42%)

• Sioux Falls, SD (Canaries): 500 (55.2%) 405 (44.8%)

• Fort Myers, FL (Miracles): 500 (54.4%) 419 (45.6%)

• TOTALS: 4,000 ( 55.1%) 3,259 ( 44.9%)

As was inevitable, a Ron Paul bobblehead was found among the Sioux Falls results, and was asked to leave.

Elsewhere in minor league promotions:

• Salute To Jayson Stark. Thursday, Aug. 14, Lakewood BlueClaws (Class A South Atlantic League). The ESPN baseball writer will be on hand sign autographs, pose for pictures and assess your beer league softball team's roster for key weaknesses. Will not sign body parts.

• Ty Cobb Night Friday, Aug. 15, Omaha Royals (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). As you no doubt are aware, this gala event will honor Royals communications intern Ty Cobb. Yes, that's his real name. Ty Cobb-mania is sweeping the Midwest as you can imagine, with Mr. Cobb on hand for this game to sign autographs, pose for pictures and nail you with exposed cleats when you're not prepared. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Civil War Night Friday, Aug. 15, Portland Beavers (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). Supporters of bitter rivals Oregon and Oregon State will take part in several in-game competitions, including the mascot beat-down.

• Asian Night. Wednesday, Aug. 20, West Virginia Power (Class a South Atlantic League). I have no idea what this is, but it's West Virginia, so you know it's going to be offensive.

• Weird New Jersey Night. Aug. 24, Newark Bears (Independent Atlantic League). Redundancy evidently does not concern the fine people of this state.

• Mascot of the Week. Henry the Puffy Taco, San Antonio Missions (Class AA Texas League). I am ready to declare Henry the Puffy Taco as Mascot of the Season. Congratulations, Henry. In addition to being delicious, Henry thrills spectators with various dance moves, plus his signature routine; when he "runs" the bases and lets a small child catch up and tackle him on the third-base line. Sportswriters have called it the stupidest three minutes in sports. And don't forget Henry's sidekick, Ballapeno, a green chili pepper. Well done, sirs.

Contact Minor Enterprise at RickChand@GMail.com.

The fun begins tonight in Fishkill, N.Y., as the Hudson Valley Renegades (Class A, New York-Penn League) take on the Vermont Lake Monsters at Duchess Stadium. The process is simple, and goes like this:

As fans pass through the turnstiles, they will be directed to election booths where they’ll have the option of casting their vote for either the Democratic or Republican candidate. For participating in the voting, they will receive the bobblehead doll of their candidate. When one candidate runs out of dolls, he will be declared the winner of that ballpark’s Bobblection.

Other Bobblections will follow on the home fields of the Brockton Rox (Thursday), Charleston RiverDogs (Friday), St. Paul Saints (Saturday), Sioux Falls Canaries (Sunday) and Ft. Myers Miracle (Monday). Total bobbleheads are then tallied, and a winner is declared. No surprise that it should be the team from Florida that decides it all.

Four years ago, as media outlets scrambled to predict the outcome of the Presidential race, Bobblection 2004 had Bush winning in four of the seven participating ballparks; the closest race being in St. Paul, Minn., where John Kerry won by 18 bobbleheads.

And really, with the grinning, nodding head and the painted-on smile, is there any better representation of a politician than a bobblehead doll? So do your homework and get out to the ballpark, as we choose ... hey wait, how did this get in there? Damn it, why won't she go away?!

Other upcoming promotions:

• Train Wreck Series — Ode To Fallen Stars. Tonight, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Brittany Spears, Nick Nolte and David Hasselhoff are just a few of the fallen stars to be honored at this game.

• Star Wars Night Featuring Boba Fett. Friday, Aug, 8, Madison Mallards (Summer Collegiate Northwoods League). Daniel Logan, who played the notorious bounty hunter, will be on hand to sign autographs. Clones admitted half price.

• Jay Buhner Buzz Cut Night. Friday, Aug. 8, Everett AquaSox (Class A Northwest League). Buhner, the former Mariners All-Star right fielder who is also co-owner of the AquaSox, will be on hand to administer pre-game haircuts, otherwise known as the "Buhner Buzz." [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• NFL Night. Saturday, Aug. 9, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Any night that includes an appearance by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders is a good night. Plus, pre-game cheerleading clinic!

• Racing Food Items Of The Week. Pork Sausage, Cheese And Egg, Lakewood BlueClaws (Class A South Atlantic League). If Jersey had a state sandwich, these would be the ingredients. Their spirited dash around the field is the newest attraction at FirstEnergy Park, and you can also get one in the concession stands. Or if you prefer, you can choose a belly buster sandwich; a half-pound of pulled pork, half-pound of brisket, cole slaw and onion rings, which also comes with a t-shirt, but does not race. [Thanks to Minor League Dugout]

We want you minor league tips. Send all game reports, photos, promotional news or racing food items to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!

It had to be this way: Minor League Baseball and the career of William Hung, hopelessly intertwined, so that when you think of one, there is no escaping the other. Although it's been four years since Hung was gonged from the American Idol stage during that infamous San Francisco audition, his goofy cult star has not diminished one bit. If anything he's stronger: An off-key force of nature who is likely to appear anywhere without reason or warning; like an earthquake, or a urinary infection.

Hung, 25, quit school in 2005 and now tours full time, with visits to minor league baseball parks these days comprising a large chunk of his income. This past Saturday he was the feature attraction at Alexis Stadium, home of the Schaumburg Flyers of the Independent Northern League. I talked with William by phone on Monday, as he professed a love for minor league baseball, the Oakland Raiders, college football, and yes, ping pong. Also, we learn that "She Bangs" is no longer his favorite song. Yes, a William Hung scoop! Also a hunk of video goodness, following the jump.

"I'm a baseball fan in general, and I love performing in small towns," said Hung, who estimates that he accepts "seven or eight" minor league invitations per season. And then there's the Major League teams such as the Blue Jays and Dodgers who have invited him. "I love visiting new places and meeting people. I try to accommodate them as much as I can."

Of course, Ricky Martin's "She Bangs" is still the No. 1 Hung request (see below). But if he had his druthers, Hung would rather sing his new favorite tune, Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart."

"I also really like 'It's a Miracle' by Barry Manilow," said Hung, who has released three albums; including the 2005 Christmas effort, "Hung For The Holidays." "Most of the time people love [my singing]," he said. "I've had a few negative experiences, but those are rare, and I don't let it get to me. I'm taking voice lessons, and I know that I'm a better singer now than when I started. I think that it's important to have confidence in yourself and enjoy what you're doing."

Hung, who was born in Hong Kong and moved to the Los Angeles area with his parents when he was 11, was an engineering student at Cal Berkeley in 2004 when he heard about the American Idol audition and decided to give it a try. He now attends Cal State Northridge, and wants to become a math teacher. He likes the A's and Angels, is depressed that "the Raiders aren't very good anymore," enjoys playing ping pong and practicing karate, and is "really looking forward to the Beijing Olympics." He had not heard of Deadspin.

"My career is still going strong," he said. "At first it surprised me, but not anymore. I have a lot of fans and people seem to like my singing. So I'll keep doing it for awhile, I guess."

Upcoming promotions:

• Tribute To Bob Night. Thursday, July 31. Toledo Mud Hens (Class AAA International League). Sponge Bob Square Pants is the featured guest, but Bobs of all stripes will be honored. There will be Bob trivia contests, music by Bob Seger, and scenes from the film What About Bob? between innings.

• '80s Night With Gary Coleman. Friday, Aug. 1. Madison Mallards (Summer Collegiate Northwoods League). Includes special appearance by former Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman! Plus, free Mallards Slinkies to the first 1,000 fans!

• George W. Bush Retirement Party. Monday, Aug, 4. Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). This past Saturday, the AirHogs set the Independent League record for the most ceremonial first pitches thrown off the back of motorcycles. I can't see anything topping that.

• Medieval Times Night. Monday, Aug. 4. Brooklyn Cyclones (Class A New York-Penn League). I've always said that there isn't enough jousting in baseball. Knights will do battle between innings, and square off in a post-game joust in center field. In addition, King Alfonzo the Conqueror (not to be confused with Edgar Alfonzo the conqueror) will be on hand to throw out a first pitch, greet the commoners, oversee the battles, and knight a deserving giant seagull or two.

• Office Olympics. Tuesday, Aug. 5. West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). The World's Largest Office Party, which last season featured one of the cast members of the NBC series The Office. Still waiting for them to call and fill me in on this year's special guest.

• Brett Favre Night. Monday, Aug. 4. Augusta GreenJackets (Class A South Atlantic League). The GreenJackets will give out flip-flops to the first 100 fans, and will retire Favre's jersey in a solemn pregame ceremony (they will then un-retire it the next day). There will also be a Lambeau Leap contest between innings.

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Andrew Johnson. Thursday, July 31, Greeneville Astros (Rookie Appalachian League). The 17th President of the United States, and coincidentally, the first bobblehead in my collection to be impeached.

• Bobbletoy Honorable Mention. Bobbling Wrecking Ball. Saturday, Aug. 2. Brockton Rox (Independent Canadian-American Association). Fans will receive a replica of Yankee Stadium with a mini wrecking ball that moves. Tiny Freddy Sez figurine sold separately.

We want your minor league tips! Send game accounts, photos, promotional news or Ricky Martin lyrics to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!

ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance!

It's a good thing I know someone named Benny Hill, or I might have missed this. Please join the West Michigan Whitecaps on Monday for British Humor Night, as the Class A Midwest League team celebrates all things Monty Python, Mr. Bean and, hopefully, Ricky Gervais during their game with the Cedar Rapids Kernels.

Rumor has it that the classic Monty Python sketch Upper Class Twit of the Year will be shown on the video board, with other legendary bits such as the Ministry of Silly Walks, and, hopefully, my favorite, The Unknown Joke. Clips from other British comedy shows will also be displayed, and the game will feature a knight being followed by a squire who is clapping together coconut shells.

"Nigel Incubator Jones! His best friend is a tree and in his spare time he's a stockbroker!"

Other upcoming promotions:

• Salute To Major Meltdowns. Tonight, St. Paul Saints (Independent American Association). The mini pine tar bat giveaway can only mean George Brett's infamous fit in 1983 will be one of the featured meltdowns.

• Mustache Awareness Night/Hug Your Plumber Night. Tonight, South Bend Silver Hawks (Class A Midwest League). Anyone with a mustache will receive a free reserved seat ticket.

• Political Correctness Night. Tonight, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). Foul lines have been renamed fair lines, but that's only the beginning. Players committing an error will not be identified for fear of hurting their feelings, the bat boy has been renamed the bat person, and the shortstop the “vertically-challenged stop.” Also, trophies will be handed out to each participant in between-innings promotions.

• Political Incorrectness Night. Thursday, July 24, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). Pink pot holders will be given out to the first 250 female fans, only females will take orders at the two main concession stands, and there will be a special area set aside for seniors to nap. Families are encouraged to come to the game in separate cars, to use as much gas as possible.

• Performance Enhancement Depreciation Night. Aug. 4, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). I have no idea what this is, but will have a full report next week if I have to go there myself.

• Durham Athletic Park Renovation. The former home of the Durham Bulls, where the 1988 movie Bull Durham was filmed, has been vacant and in disrepair since the Bulls moved in 1998. But on Tuesday work began on a $5 million renovation for the park, which will include new seats, clubhouses and dugouts. Among other functions, the park will serve as the home field of the North Carolina Central University baseball team beginning next season.

• Racing Vegetables Of The Week. Corn vs. Broccoli, South Bend Silver Hawks (Class A Midwest League). The age-old rivalry is played out every night at Coveleski Stadium, with the fibrous green vegetable shown here gaining the upper hand. But corn will have his revenge, and when he does, it will be served cold; with garlic butter on the side.

We want your minor league tips! Send all game reports, photos, promotional news and Grails to Rick@Deadspin.com

Above we see Mallards fan Adam Mandelman (It's go time!) earning his free ticket. Believe it or not, promotions such as this have made the Mallards the highest-attended collegiate summer league team in the nation; topping the 200,000 mark in each of the past two seasons. On July 13 the team unveiled the World's Largest Bratwurst (60-feet, 6 inches); and only Friday, July 13, the guest of honor was Eddie Munster (Butch Patrick).

And it's not too late to get in on the fun. Saturday, July 26 is William Hung Karaoke Night; Aug. 1 is '80s Night with special guest Gary Coleman; and Aug. 8 is Star Wars Night featuring an appearance by Boba Fett.

Washington Nationals, the blueprint for success is now laid before you. It's your move.

If you've never seen people line up to eat bugs, just witness below:

Mallards Fans Eat Beetles For Free Duck Blind Tickets [The Capital Times]
Madison Mallards Official Site

Hope springs eternal in Altoona, Pa., where the local Class AA Eastern League Pittsburgh Pirates affiliate, the Curve, await a very special guest on Monday. Will Ferrell has been invited to throw out the first pitch in the Curve's game against the Akron Aeros, and to meet and greet fans. This will be a glorious day for fans of baseball and comedy alike; except for one minor, possible hitch: Ferrell has not said that he will attend. In fact, it's quite possibly that he knows nothing about it.

Monday is “Please Come to Altoona Will Ferrell!” Night at Blair County Ballpark, as Hollywood mega-star Will Ferrell will toss out a ceremonial first pitch, broadcast an inning on radio and sign autographs for Curve fans. Actually, the odds of any of that happening are extraordinarily slim, but the Curve are hereby begging Mr. Ferrell to accept their invitation. Either way, the Curve will play video clips from his hilarious performances in “Anchorman”, “Old School” and many other films.

More details here.

Oh, and also feel free to scream: Get on the bag!

Elsewhere in upcoming promotional events:

• Superstition Night. Friday, July 18, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). A mirror-breaking contest and other superstitious activities are planned, including an announcement that a no-hitter is in progress after every inning.

• Batman Night. Friday, July 18, Beloit Snappers (Class A Midwest League). One of many Batman promotions around the minor leagues, as The Dark Knight opens in theaters around the country. Dress up in your best Batman attire! I know I will ... and I'm not even leaving the house.

• Second Amendment Night. Friday, July 18, Fresno Grizzlies (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). The second amendment guarantees our right to bear arms. Get it, bear arms? Oh, how clever. Special second amendment festivities will abound, including discounts for fans wearing sleeveless shirts, and free hunter safety classes. Details here.

• Salute To Frivolous Lawsuits Night. Monday, July 21, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Lukewarm coffee will be served so that no fans will burn themselves, and kids 12 and under will receive beach balls with a label warning them not to ingest it.

• Revolutionary War Night. Tuesday, July 22, Vero Beach Devil Rays (Class A Florida State League). In which members of the club's front office will re-enact key moments from the war for independence. The Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Valley Forge, Washington crossing the Delaware, plus "the possible late arrival of the French." It all should resemble something like this. [Thanks To Benjamin Hill]

• Racing Vegetables Of The Week. Asparagus. Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Stockton is home to three varieties of asparagus, and also the annual Asparagus Festival. One of the most competitive of all vegetables, here are the asparagus (asparagi?) during a rare casual moment.

We want your minor league tips! Send any game reports, photos or Anchorman quotes to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!

If you can attend only one Brooklyn Cyclones game over the next few days, I pity you; because it's going to be nearly impossible to choose between the two blockbuster promotions depicted above. Tribute to Billy Joel, or Salute to the Pork Rind? Wiser men than me have considered this dilemma and failed. So I suggest skipping that bar exam and attending both. Just consider the potential rewards.

• Tribute to Billy Joel: Saturday, July 12. Not only does this serve as a warmup for the Piano Man's gala Last Play at Shea on July 16 and 18, but it's also the 30th anniversary of Joel's breakout album The Stranger. The first 2,500 fans at KeySpan Park will receive commemorative baseballs depicting our automobile driving-challenged hero (pictured below), and there'll be a chance to win two tickets to the Shea concert, which are getting rather pricey. Did you know that after next Wednesday, Joel will be the only major artist to have played both Shea and Yankee Stadiums?

There will also be Billy Joel-themed trivia contests and sing-a-longs of his most popular tunes (there's nothing like a rousing chorus of Scenes From an Italian Restaurant during the seventh-inning stretch). Giveaways will also include prize packs featuring The Stranger Deluxe Box Set, a limited edition poster and a vinyl copy of the original The Stranger album.

• Salute to the Pork Rind. Monday, July 14. Just when the excitement of Saturday is beginning to settle, here comes the greatest of all snack-related promotions. The feature attraction will of course be the pork rind sculpture contest, where the winner will receive "an all-expense paid trip to Hanover, PA to tour the Utz factory and Headquarters — bus fare, hotel, spending money included." One of the between-inning contests will also feature two fans diving into a pool of pork rinds for a hidden treasure, and another will see contestants toss pork rinds at a target. Just when you thought your trip to Euro Disney couldn't be topped ...

Anyone interested in entering the pork rind sculpture contest should contact Ricky Viola at 718-37-BKLYN, or ricky@brooklyncyclones.com

Other upcoming promotions:

• Dave Rozema Karate Kick Bobbleleg. Tonight, West Michigan Whitecaps (Class A Midwest League). Anyone attending this is hereby deputized to give us a full report. Godspeed.

• Bret "The Hitman" Hart Appearance. Thursday, July 10, Vancouver Canadians (Class A Northwest League). Ask him about The Montreal Screwjob.

• Allen Iverson Celebrity Softball Classic. Monday, July 14, Bowie Baysox (Class AA Eastern League). I generally never pass up an opportunity to see Wanda Sykes and Carmello Anthony at the same event, so this is a must-attend. Also playing will be Anwan Glover of The Wire, DeAngelo Hall, Vivica A. Fox, Luke Perry and Nate Burleson, among a host of others. The only way this could be more entertaining is if they played on donkeys. They're not though, right?

We want your minor league tips! Send all game reports, photos and old Billy Joel albums to Rick@Deadspin.com. Thanks!

The glorious career of former pitcher Dave Rozema is cherished and studied by every drunkard, reprobate, fuckoff, ne're-do-well, rascal, rotter, tosspot, brawler, bounder, lout, louse, screwup, barfly, dipsomaniac, tippler, pug and toker who ever followed the Detroit Tigers. And by many, many other baseball fans as well. This is a man whose exploits nearly defy description, both on the field and off. But for all of his deeds and misdeeds, the crowning moment had to be on May 14, 1982, during a benches-clearing brawl between the Tigers and Minneosta Twins.

That's when, in the opening moments of the melee, Rozema charged from the dugout and attempted to deliver a flying karate kick at the Twins' John Castino. He missed, of course; injuring his leg so badly in the process that he had to be removed from the field on a stretcher. Rozema, who had a 3-0 record and a 1.63 ERA at the time, ended up on the DL and missed the remainder of the season; ruining what was shaping up as the finest season of his career. Any serious Tigers fan can tell you all about it, and probably give you a blow-by-blow from video accounts that have circulated on the Internet (until recently, when YouTube took them down on the orders of Major League Baseball).

But now you can relive the magical moment with the West Michigan Whitecaps of the Class A Midwest League, who will honor "Rosey" with the Dave Rozema bobblefoot doll giveaway on Wednesday, July 9. The first 1,000 fans through the gates at Fifth Third Ballpark will receive a Dave Rozema toy with real karate-kick bobblefoot action. I would suggest arriving early, as these will go fast.

How great was the 1982 incident in question? I found this account on the SpartanTailgate.com message board:

The footage of the fight was hilarious. At first base you had Lance Parrish holding a guy down to the ground with one arm. At the pitchers mound were most of the players, then suddenly from the dugout comes Rozie with a karate kick into the pile.....then you lose track of where Rozie is....then the fight clears and lying limp on his back on the mound is a battered Rozie.

And from the Motown Sports board:

I played a fantasy weekend with Rozema. He told a hilarious story of a teary-eyed Gibby talking to him on the stretcher, and promising to go out and win the game for him, a la Babe Ruth and the sick kid in the hospital. We were all rolling.

Kirk Gibson indeed won that game for the Tigers with a late home run. Gibson and Rozema were pals, got into all sorts of trouble together (amazingly, alcohol may have been involved), and in fact married twin sisters, JoAnn and Sandy Sklarski, in a double ceremony in 1985. Other facts from the Rozema file:

• Also in 1982, Rozema fell on a flask in his back pocket and needed 11 stitches in his hip, after Gibson had pulled a chair out from under him.

• Missed a team bus when he overslept after judging a wet T-shirt contest.

• Shoved a bar glass into the face of Alan Trammell, with Trammell needing 47 stitches near his eye.

• Finished fourth in the 1977 Rookie of the Year voting behind Eddie Murray, but won The Sporting News Rookie Pitcher of the Year award.

• During spring training one year in Lakeland, Fla., decided to wash his new car ... with Brillo pads.

Rozema recovered from his leg injury and had an 8-3 record with a 3.43 ERA in 1983, and also played on the 1984 Tigers team that won the World Series. He signed with the Texas Rangers in 1985 and retired in 1986, with career totals of 60 wins, 53 losses and a 3.47 ERA. But in one last hurrah, Rozema surfaced in 1990 on the roster of the St. Petersburg Pelicans of the Senior Professional Baseball Association, where he compiled a 2-0 record. The franchise folded in December of that year, and Rosie was never seen on a pitcher's mound again. But he will never be forgotten.

Other upcoming promotions:

• Kevin Costner And His Band, Modern West. Friday, July 4, Durham Bulls (Class AAA International League). I actually saw Modern West when they performed at Lake Tahoe last year, and the band is ... not good. But Costner is personable and good with the audience, when he's not singing, anyway. And he donated a bunch of money to victims of the 2007 Lake Tahoe Wildfire which destroyed more than 200 homes, so there's that.

• Competing As The New Hampshire Primaries. Friday, July 4, New Hampshire Fisher Cats (Class AA, Eastern League). The Fisher Cats will call themselves the New Hampshire Primaries for this game only, and wear special red, white and blue uniforms. Mike Huckabee to throw out the first pitch, where it will travel only 14.8 percent of the way to the plate (may not be true). [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Jessica Simpson Day. Sunday, July 6, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). I'd rather attend Daniel Simpson Day (D-Day from Animal House). Whatever happens, don't go near the Joe Simpson kissing both.

• Awful Night VI. Monday, July 7, Altoona Curve (Class AA Eastern League). Last year's Awful Night V featured the mascot race which has no finish; a dry slip-'n-slide, and the ever-popular and frustrating helium balloon toss. Also there were liverwurst-and-whipped cream sandwiches at the snack bar. This year's is supposed to be "even Awfuler," according to the Curve. Just so you know.

What you missed last week:

• Wine Festival/Little League Night. June 29, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Nothing sadder than a wine-stained Little League jersey.

Saturday is Star Wars Night with the Western Michigan Whitecaps, where once again science fiction geek and baseball stat nerd call truce and come together for a night of revelry and excitement ("Hey, give me back my inhaler!"). Never before have so many costumed Star Wars characters descended on a minor league ballpark. Never before have your children witnessed Emperor Palpatine taking a leak in a trough urinal. Never before have so many adults been driven to the game by their parents. Plus, the players will be wearing Star Wars-themed jerseys (shown following the jump), Darth Vader will throw out the first pitch, and the National Anthem will be played on guitar by a Clone Trooper. And it's all for charity!

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

To get you in the mood, here's an action-packed promotional video by the Whitecaps staff, featuring their mascot, Crash, in deleted scenes from Star Wars: A New Hope. (Even though he's wearing a mascot gopher head and can't change expression, he's still a better actor than Hayden Christiansen). Oh, and the young Anakin Skywalker will be there, bragging about his Midichlorian count and using his powers to get all the foul balls. This has become an annual event with the Whitecaps, with members of the 501st Legion, a Star Wars costuming fan group, showing up each year and helping to raise money for the Make-A-Wish Foundation (last year's haul: $3,000). Whitecaps players will be wearing custom Star Wars jerseys for the game, some of which will be auctioned off afterwards for that same charity. Here they be.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yep, the Yankees' new look after they move into their new stadium next year.

And here are the unis the Whitecaps wore for last year's Star Wars Night. If you're in the neighborhood I would highly recommend heading over to Fifth Third Ballpark in beautiful Comstock Park, Michigan, to help a good cause. Just forget about going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters; you can waste time with your friends some other time.

More promotions = Six Flags! More flags, more fun!

• Flight To Nowhere. Tonight, Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). Many of the delights experienced on a typical commercial airline flight will be evident at Hammond Stadium during this game, including mini-bags of peanuts, a security check at the gate, and an in-game movie (caution: may be Turner and Hooch). Plus, aisle seats will be $1 extra, and box seats will be considered first class and reserved grandstand seats will be coach. All aboard!

• '70s Disco Mania Night. Friday, June 27, West Virginia Power (Class A Atlantic League). It's Flashback Friday at Appalachian Power Park, so don't forget your Nehru jacket (but leave the LSD at home).

• Celebrity Baseball Game. Saturday, June 28, Frisco Roughriders (Class AA Texas League). Michael Irvin, Mark Cuban, Mike Modano and DeMarcus Ware are only a few of the big names who will be on hand. And managing the teams will be Wade Boggs and Fred Lynn! Anyone who live blogs this game wins the Internet. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Sorry, Barry Bonds Will Not Be Playing For The Long Beach Armada. Barry Bonds' agent, Scott Borris, quashes rumors that his client may sign with an Independent League team. So don't get your hopes up, Edmonton Cracker Cats.

We want your minor league tips! Send all game reports, photos, promotional news and horse poetry to RickChand@GMail.com. Affirmed.

They really know how to have fun in the Golden Baseball League, don't they? Friday is Plumber Appreciation Night with the Long Beach Armada, in which the team plans a dazzling array of events to pay tribute to James Denton, better known as Mike the Plumber on ABC's hit series Desperate Housewives (don't play dumb; no one's buying it). Denton is also part-owner of the Orange County Flyers, which take on the Armada in a three-game series beginning Friday. Let the fun begin.

First, the Armada will welcome him with free O.C. Flyers Toilet Paper to the first 500 fans that enter Blair Field. Also, the first 250 fans will receive a free plunger courtesy of Belmont Plumbing in Belmont Shore. Special mid-inning games and contests will include dizzy plunger races, toilet seat horseshoes, The O.C. and Desperate Housewives trivia contest, and so much more. And since this is the same team that has given us past promotions such as Wedding Day With Judge Lance Ito, Live Hermit Crab Races and Jose Canseco's final professional season, you know it's going to be good. As for the above photo, you're welcome, ladies. And you, sir.

Elsewhere in upcoming promotions:

• New England Patriots Day With Stephen Gostkowski Appearance. Sunday, June 22, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). The New England Patriots placekicker makes an exclusive appearance to sign autographs, hobnob with the crowd and, best of all, kick autographed footballs into the stands throughout the game. All fans not clearly signaling for a fair catch may be ruthlessly pummeled. [Thanks To Benjamin Hill]

• Great Scoundrels Exposed. Monday, June 23, St. Paul Saints (Independent American Association). Benedict Arnold, Genghis Kahn, Cruella De Vil; see history's greatest scoundrels exposed for what they are as the Saints celebrate the Chinese Year of the Rat. And don't forget that Sunday is the Sasquatchcentennial; it's Sasquatch's Birthday! Only two shopping days left!

• Baby Olympics. Tuesday, June 24, Hudson Valley Renegades (Class A New York-Penn League). Third only to the Super Bowl and the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament in terms of wagers placed, babies gather here annually for a series of grueling events to determine the the top baby in southern New York State. Not sanctioned by the IOC and banned outright by the Chinese government. Sponsored by T.L.C. Pediatrics.

• What We're Very Sorry We Missed. The Inaugural Matt Leinart Armada Hot Tub Party Presented By Splash Spas and Pools. June 17, Long Beach Armada (Independent Golden League). Damn it.

• Bobbletoy Giveaway Of The Moment. Tommy John Bobble-Arm. July 11, Bridgeport Bluefish (Independent Atlantic League). The Bridgeport manager — the majors' winningest pitcher who isn't in the Hall of Fame — was immortalized for his ulnar collateral ligament, which was surgically repaired in a revolutionary new procedure in 1974. And now you can own a piece of history with this toy, to be given to the first 1,000 fans.

• Mascot Of The Week. Baby Blowie, Columbia Blowfish (Coastal Plain League). Oh Christ, they're multiplying. Jake Erwin from from Columbia, SC files this special report: "I know how much y'all love Blowie, the mascot of the Columbia Blowfish, but are you aware of the nightmare that is Baby Blowie? Check the picture, and then imagine the kid dancing with Blowie to "Apache" between innings, as he does at every game. I wish I could find video of it, cause it is hysterical and always gets the biggest cheer of the night from the 100 or so in attendance at these games."

We want your minor league tips! Send photos, game accounts or news on promotions to RickChand@GMail.com. And thanks!

You have to love Canada. Here, we have racing sausage. There, pieces of sushi run around the field. We are rooting against Wasabi.

We are wondering what different foods/items different cities might have, if Canada's so damn big about sushi. In Los Angeles, do they just have different varieties of oxygen run around? How is oxygen personified, anyway?

So yeah. Good morning.

Opening Night At The Nat [Orland Kurtenblog]

Hard to believe that it's been 10 years since Seinfeld went into self-imposed retirement, and it's an anniversary that hasn't gone unnoticed by the Ft. Myers Miracle of the Class A Florida State League. Tonight is "We Love The Drake Night" at Hammond Stadium, the most elaborate Seinfeld tribute ever staged in a professional baseball setting (and I've seen them all). Sweet fancy Moses!

"The promo is for lovers of Seinfeld like myself," said Miracle director of promotions Gary Sharp. "The diehards get the reference to "The Drake," and we are doing the usual giveaways of DVD's and Seinfeld merchandise." But the greatest component of this gala evening will no doubt be the Elaine dance-off, in which all dancers who are worse than Elaine Benes will win a prize. I just can't imagine the horror of that (see video below) ... won't someone please think of the children!? But tickets are going fast so act now.

The Miracle will also have a comedian performing on the party deck, and the concession areas will be stocked with Junior Mints. As for Michael Richards' unfortunate stand-up career, the team will have on hand a local organization that promotes sensitivity awareness. Also, a local "Soup Nazi" franchise will be at the game, and for any girl that is accompanied by three other guys, the whole group gets in free. Plus, Superman is throwing out the first pitch!

Elsewhere in minor league promotions:

• Dukes Of Hazzard Night. Tonight, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Wear your Daisy Dukes and get in half price (men not eligible).

• Spooktacular Friday The 13th Celebration. Friday, Fresno Grizzlies (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). Billed as the most spine-chilling night of the year at Chukchansi Park (which I'm sure is saying something), the Grizzlies will wear special Friday the 13th-themed jerseys in their series opener with the Portland Beavers. Every player on the field will be wearing No. 13, and the jerseys will be auctioned off following the game with the proceeds going to benefit the Central California Blood Center.

• Hairy Scary Back Contest. Friday, Hickory Crawdads (Class A South Atlantic League). This contest to choose the hairiest and scariest back will result in a prize basket that includes a free laser hair removal procedure. If I hadn't already won a similar promotion last season I would so be there.

• Jessica Simpson Night. July 6, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). Being rebuffed in the Tony Romo no-kissing booth is worth the price of admission by itself.

• Animal Team Name Not Found In Nature Of The Week. North Adams Steeplecats, NECBL Summer Wooden Bat League.

• Mascot Of The Week. Splash, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). I'm fairly confident that Splash is the only wheelchair-bound mascot in professional baseball. How he got the job is anyone's guess, but you have to admire his pluck; if not his routines, which tend to lack variety. How was this plush, lovable character crippled? I'm pretty sure he was trampled by steers at a Mexican rodeo, although that's not confirmed. At any rate children seem to love Splash; especially when he barks commands at them to "fetch me a bagel dog!" or "come in here and help me pee!" You just don't see whimsical antics like that in the majors.

(NOTE: Splash not really wheelchair-bound, just lazy.)

We want your minor league tips! Send game reports, photos or promotional news to RickChand@Gmail.com. Who's with me? Let's goooooooo!

I can see you rolling your eyes. A cheerleader? The Wave? Come on. I suppose he also wears an onion on his belt? But to those who have seen him in person, dissing Krazy George is like insulting the skills of Walter Payton, or throwing away your Willie Mays baseball cards. He's the grand old man of cheerleading; a genuine force of nature with an impressive resume of mischief, including the time he pissed off Chuck Noll so badly that the Steelers' coach tried to have him banned from the NFL.

He was also once involved in an infamous bidding war between two legendary NFL owners; fought a lion to a draw at a soccer game; owns a black belt in judo; and bills himself as the World's Sexiest Professional Cheerleader. Krazy George still has game, so get off your hands and get involved; it's not like you have a choice.

Forty years after first taking up a hand drum and working a sports crowd into a frenzy, Krazy George Henderson is still doing his thing. He's scaled it down quite a bit though; no longer working "the big rooms" such as Arrowhead Stadium or Candlestick Park. Now in his mid-60s, places like Banner Island Ballpark, home of the Class A California League Stockton Ports, where we caught up with him, are more to his liking. "Something like the Metrodome, that's just too much for me physically," said George, taking a short break between innings. "I sweat a lot out there; I work as hard as the players. A couple of years ago I even started using a microphone; something I never did before. Concessions to age."

Just watching Krazy George is a workout. He'll start at one end of the stadium, banging his drum and demanding attention; getting the adrenalin flowing. Then in the blink of an eye he'll appear at the other end, telling that portion of the crowd how enthusiastic the other people were, and how quiet they are. George learned long ago that the key to ramping up enthusiasm is to pit the crowd against itself; get the competitive juices flowing. And he's the master at it.

And that's how The Wave was born.

"It actually started when I was at San Jose State, getting sections to do separate cheers at football games," he said. "I would get three sections to stand and yell out S-J-S one at a time, and they loved it. Then I did a high school rally where there were no sections, and when I got the students to do the cheers, I noticed this kind of rolling effect."

That was in 1979 or so. The Oakland Athletics had hired him at about that time, and in 1981 he decided to try his invention on a larger scale. So on Oct. 15, 1981, during an American League Championship Series playoff game between the Athletics and Yankees, The Wave took its first baby steps.

"There were several false starts," he said. "I'd get one section to stand and yell, and the next section didn't know what to do. The key was, if one section did it right, I told them to boo the section that did it wrong. Eventually people caught on and it started moving."

Sportswriters in the press box, baffled by the spectacle, all but abandoned the game to keep tabs on the progress of The Wave. When it eventually made it all the way around the Coliseum, a gigantic, triumphant cheer arose which startled the players on the field, who didn't know what was going on. But the phenomenon didn't really catch on until two weeks later, when the University of Washington did it during its homecoming football game with Stanford. Claiming incorrectly that they invented it, a feud developed between the Huskies and the A's, and soon everyone had heard of it, and just about every crowd in every stadium worldwide was doing it. The Huskies' claim to The Wave still rankles George.

"I can't believe they have the nerve to claim it," he said. "I have 47,000 witnesses who were there at the Coliseum, and know the truth. The best part is that a year later, they were doing The Wave during a Monday Night Football Game, and Don Meredith mentioned that it was invented at the University of Washington. But Howard Cosell quickly corrected him. 'I hate to contradict you,' Howard said, 'But The Wave was actually invented at an Oakland A's-New York Yankees playoff game two weeks before." I was watching and almost fell out of my chair."

Henderson, a member of a National Championship-winning judo team while attending San Jose State, began cheerleading at football games there in 1968. "Someone gave me a bugle, but I didn't know how to play it," he said. "Then someone gave me a drum, and I just started hitting it. First it was 20 guys and me making noise, then it was 100." He liked it so much that after college he continued cheerleading at different Bay Area stadiums for free. He was teaching high school woodshop in 1975 when Lamar Hunt, the owner of the Kansas City Chiefs, saw him at a San Jose Earthquakes soccer game, and hired him to come to Kansas City for $35 per game.

"I didn't know what to charge," George said. "I had been doing it for free."

Hunt continued hiring him on a game-to-game basis until 1977, when Houston Oilers owner Bud Adams caught George's act and wanted him to come to Houston.

"We were in Lamar Hunt's suite at Arrowhead Stadium, and he and Bud Adams got into a bidding war right there with me in the room," George said. "Bud would say, 'I'll give him $500 per game," and Lamar would say 'I'll give him $600," and so on. Then Bud started talking with his own general manager, and they started bidding against each other, even though they were both with the Oilers. Finally it got up to $1,500, and I had to say no, because Lamar was right there in the room. But Bud took me downstairs to his motor home he had there in the parking lot, and as soon as I got in the door I yelled 'I'll take it!' "

And so suddenly he was making a living as a professional cheerleader, eventually branching out to the Saints, Vikings and Tennessee Titans, and then to Major League baseball, the NHL, the CFL, Oklahoma State football, and just about every other sport one can imagine. And yes, that includes lacrosse.

The highlight of his NHL cheerleading career was the night that five Boston Bruins left the bench to come after him in the stands.

"I was working for the Oakland Seals," he said. "Terry O'Reilly had high-sticked one of our guys, so I went down to the penalty box and banged the drum right in his ear. He went ballistic, and swung his stick at me. So I moved back into the stands, and he got four or five teammates and they went up after me. The players never reached me, but a couple of Boston fans did. But I got the better of that fight."

College judo black belt 2, Bruins fans 0.

Oh, and he also subdued a supposedly-tame lion when it went nuts and tried to eat its trainer during a performance at a Dallas Tornadoes pro soccer game. "He was screaming, 'Get it off me!' " George recalled. "Fat chance I'm going to wrestle a lion. So I ran up and hit it on the head with my drum, and ran. It worked; the lion stopped biting him."

These days, George lives in the notoriously lion-free area of Perryville, Maryland, where he and his fiance have a place on the Chesapeake Bay. He still takes cheerleading jobs, but his days of working the big stadiums are over.

"I like small stadiums where I can interact with the fans without killing myself," he said. "Minor league baseball is perfect for that. I come here (Stockton) every year just about, and I love it. There's nothing better than minor league baseball."

It may seem strange, but Krazy George has never yearned to be a celebrity. "I'm actually pretty shy," he said. "But when I walk into a stadium and I see a lot of people, something happens."

That something was happening again in Stockton, as George ran to the railing near the visitor's on-deck circle, and pointed at the on-deck hitter. "Who in the crowd thinks that I'm better looking than him?" yelled George. The crowd cheered and applauded, and even the on-deck hitter was laughing. "That one's an oldie but a goodie," said George, taking a seat after the final out of the inning. "I can't even remember when I started doing that one."

No, the good bits never get stale. And as if to prove that very point, at the other end of the stadium, those three Little Leaguers from before — who had chased after Krazy George's autograph — were up to mischief of their own. Down in the corner of the reserved section, they were starting The Wave.

"How about that?" said George, squinting toward that end of the stadium, smiling. "Isn't that something."

• And Your Free Funeral Winner Is ... The Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association) announced their Free Funeral Giveaway winner on Wednesday, with Elaine Fulps, 60, taking home the grand prize. “I almost croaked many times,” said Fulps, who was wearing a neck brace — the most recent effect of about 20 surgeries she’s undergone for various medical problems. “God still has me around for a reason. To win a funeral.” [Thanks to Sox & Dawgs]

We want your minor league tips! Send any game reports, photos or promotional news to RickChand@GMail.com Thanks!

All Fans are encouraged to WEAR BLACK tonight for the "All Hogs Go To Heaven Funeral Giveaway." Fans will compete in pre-game FUNERAL MARCH, between-inning casket races and much more!! One LUCKY AirHogs Fan will win an all-expenses-paid trip to the afterlife! Sign-up TODAY for your chance to win this once-in-lifetime deal! “This is a fun and exciting opportunity to get our name out into the community,” said Ron Alexander with Oak Grove Memorial Gardens. Pre-game concert by: Vicky Williams.

The Airhogs are the second team in as many weeks to announce a funeral giveaway; the Lake County Captains, a Class A South Atlantic League team, are staging a similar promotion, with the lucky winner of a free buryin' to be chosen in August. My only question: Do they have Thirsty Thursday in the afterlife?

Airhogs To Give Away Free Funeral [Grand Prairie Airhogs]
The Altoona Curve Salutes All Quitters (You Know Who You Are) [Deadspin]

The Altoona Curve just can't quit you. Many others have it down to a science, however; and it's those notorious few, who have said "No mas" when we least expected it, whom the Curve will honor on Tuesday, June 3, in their Salute to Quitters Night at Blair County Ballpark in Altoona, Pa.

"Whether you've ever tried to quit smoking or quit in the middle of a fight with Sugar Ray Leonard, this is the night for you," said Curve Director of Promotions Matt Hoover. "Bobby Petrino, Rich Rodriguez, Bobby Knight; what do these people all have in common? They all sprinted out the back door and quit on their teams. On Tuesday we'll honor them all, plus, the front office staff is even going to dress as quitters (Hoover plans to go as boxer Roberto Duran)."

But the highlight of the night will be when the Curve pick an ultimate quitter from the stands, and present him with a very special gift.

"We're going to pick a seat number at random, and give the fan our special Back Door Prize," Hoover said. "It's an actual back door, which they can install in their home and leave through the back door whenever they want."

And the fan who wins it will be encouraged to leave the game in the top of the fifth inning.

"It's only fitting on this night to quit in the middle of the game," Hoover said. "Although if the winner wants to stay, I suppose we won't force him to leave."

Salute To Quitters was dreamed up by Curve staff in a bar in Pittsburgh during the offseason. The night will include video tributes to famous quitters such as Duran, Knight (Texas Tech basketball), Rodriguez (who left West Virgina's football team to coach Michigan), and Nick Saban, who ran out on the Miami Dolphins to coach at Alabama.

The Curve, a Class-AA Eastern League affiliate of the Pittsburgh Pirates, are also the creators of Awful Night (featuring awful events such as the helium balloon toss and the underwear slingshot); You Got Caught Night (alternate title: Salute to Bill Belichick); Procrastination Night (pending) and Irish Pat's Used Car Giveaway, in which Curve staffer Pat Cokely dresses as a leprechaun and gives away junker cars from local dealerships.

"That's always my favorite," Hoover said of the Used Car Giveaway. "I'm not sure why."

Elsewhere in upcoming minor league promotions:

• Win Your Own Funeral. Lake County Captains (Class A South Atlantic League). The Captains, in conjunction with Monreal Funeral Home, will be giving away a free funeral at Classic Park in August. Fans can fill out an entry form at all Captains home games. Mail-in entries will also be accepted. Details here. Good luck!

• Dukes of Hazzard Night. Tonight, Southern Illinois Miners (Independent Frontier League). It's what you've always dreamed of: The chance to meet Roscoe P. Coltrane in person. James Best, who played the sheriff in the long-running series, will be on hand to sign autographs and whatever else he does. Oh, you Duke boys ... [Thanks to Chris Patton]

• Cheesesteak Appreciation Night. Monday, Wilmington Blue Rocks (Class A Carolina League). This is any night if you live in my house. Which makes the following promotion all the more important ...

• Salute To Indoor Plumbing. Monday, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Can't decide which is my favorite event: The outhouse races or the poo toss.

• Economic Stimulus Night. Wednesday, Buffalo Bisons (Class AAA International League). The promotion includes free admission to a future game for all fans as well as $1 hot dogs, sodas, popcorn and ice cream sandwiches. Plus, be stimulated by $250 worth of free gas, $100 of free groceries (I want Pop Tarts), a thousand loaves of bread, and more. The economy's never looked better! [Thanks to Geoffrey Siener].

• World Record Attempt Of The Moment. Pizza dough toss. Bowie Baysox (Class AA Eastern League). Three-time World Champion "Pizza Acrobat" Joe Carlucci is pictured here in his brave attempt to shatter his own world record for highest pizza toss, on May 23 at Prince George's Stadium. The result? A record toss of 21 feet, 6 inches; Where No Dough Has Gone Before. Also that night was the attempt to set the world record for most people playing the kazoo at one time (3,000 fans played "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the seventh inning stretch).

We want your minor league tips! Send game reports, photos, or promotional tidbits to RickChand@GMail.com. You'll be glad you did. And thanks!

It's time for Minor Enterprise, which celebrates Minor League baseball and all else that is good and great about America. And now, please rise as William Hung sings his rendition of our National Anthem ...

May 15 was Totally Rad '80s Night with the Fresno Grizzlies, and by all accounts it did not disappoint. Front and center was Cobra Kai menace Johnny Lawrence (aka Billy Zabka), in the middle in this picture here, taken on Thursday with his new gang. Johnny really hasn't changed all that much from the looks of this photo. Bobby; I want him out of commission! Looks like he could still grab your boom box at the beach and throw it violently into the sand.

Here's a report on the festivities by Grizzlies director of media relations Paul Kennedy:

First of all, Billy was awesome, just an extremely cool guy. We had our best Thirsty Thursday crowd of the year, tons of people got into it and dressed up in 80’s outfits, and Zabka signed autographs for what seemed like forever. For the past three weeks, to hype the event, we’ve done an in-game contest where we bring someone on top of the dugout to answer trivia questions about Zabka. He was cool enough that we were able to do “Zabka on Zabka” last night and ask him trivia about himself, which the crowd loved.

Get him a body bag, yeah!

Taking a look at upcoming promotions and other swell stuff:

• Indiana Jones Night. Tonight, Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). One of many such promotions tonight around the minors, fans will, oh, I don't know, maybe punch a Nazi. Got your tickets for the midnight showing of Crystal Skull?

• Internet Safety Night With Erik Estrada. Saturday, May 24. Potomac Nationals (Class A Carolina League). You'll be pleased to know that Poncherello is now a spokesman for the Safe Surfin' campaign, which educates youngsters on the dangers of surfing the Internet. Of course the fact that you're here means that Ponch has already failed. They're also giving away "Internet safety-themed literature," which seems like an oxymoron.

• Tap Dance Day. Sunday, May 25. St. Paul Saints (Independent American Association). The Saints break new bobble ground when 2,500 lucky fans will receive the Sen. Larry Craig Bobblefoot doll. The toy features a bobbing foot extended below the partition of a bathroom stall, meant to commemorate the day that Sen. Craig was arrested for tapping his foot at an undercover police officer in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. I can hear Robert Klein singing I Can't Stop My Leg as clear as anything.

• Soybean Night. Monday, May 26. Fargo-Moorhead Redhawks (Independent Northern League). The glory. The pageantry. (Plenty of seats still available).

• We Love The Drake. June 12. Ft. Myers Miracle (Class A Florida State League). Help the Miracle celebrate the TV sitcom Seinifeld, which left the air 10 years ago this month. Serenity now!

• The Modesto Nuts Reprise Great Baseball Movie Scenes. Members of the Modesto Nuts (Class A California League) reenact a scene from The Sandlot. That one guy has Squints pretty much nailed.

• Bobblehead Of The Moment. Pat Sajak Bobblehead Giveaway. Sunday, May 25. Bowie Baysox (Class AA Eastern League). I must have this item! Mr. Wheel of Fortune himself makes his first public appearance at Prince George's Stadium, and will sign autographs. Pat Sajak will sign body parts!

Please send all minor league tips, including photos, game reports and promotions, to RickChand@GMail.com. Or, you can choose to solve the puzzle.

It's pretty safe to say that Midway Stadium in St. Paul, Minn., is the only minor league ballpark in America where one can get a professional massage from a real Catholic nun. Pictured here is Sister Rosalind, who has been doling out massage therapy at St. Paul Saints games since 1993 ($8 per ten minutes. Please form an orderly line). But fans don't bat an eye, because the spectacle of a grown man getting a massage from a nun in the mezzanine section is really nothing special here.

In fact it's hard to imagine something that would surprise a Saints fan at this point. After all, this is the team that has a pig bring out game balls to the home plate umpire between innings, and employs Mrs. Stepford, a prim and proper 1950s-era housewife who serves as an usherette. And don't forget Guy Tracy, a Sam Spade-style private detective who wanders the stands investigating mysteries.

But to truly get a taste of what the Saints are about, you have to take a look at their promotional calendar. Of particular note is Sunday, May 25, when St. Paul will play host to the Fort Worth Cats. That'll be National Tap Dance Day at Midway Stadium, when 2,500 lucky fans will receive Bobblefoot dolls. In this update of the traditional bobblehead, the Saints will hand out toys in which a bobbing foot is extended below the partition of a bathroom stall, meant to commemorate the day that Sen. Larry Craig was arrested for tapping his foot at an undercover police officer in a Minneapolis airport bathroom.

"People have come to expect that kind of thing from us, so the pressure is on every season to try and top ourselves," said Sean Aronson, the Saints' director of media relations who also doubles as the team's radio play-by-play broadcaster. "When a news item like the Larry Craig incident breaks, we actually have media people calling us the next day asking what we're going to do with it."

Indeed, among past Saints promotions have been Michael Vick Night, in which fans received a Michael Vick doggie chew toy; Love Boat Night, commemorating the Minnesota Vikings infamous love boat sex cruise on Lake Minnetonka; Randy Moss Hood Ornament Night; and Bud Selig Seat Cushion Giveaway, in which fans could sit on a picture of Selig's face.

Such a creative approach should really be no surprise, considering that two of the men behind the team are Mike Veeck, son of legendary major league promoter Bill Veeck, and comedian Bill Murray, part-owner of the Saints. Veeck is President of the Goldklang Group, which represents marketing and promotional rights for the Charleston RiverDogs, Hudson Valley Renegades, Ft. Myers Miracle, Sioux Falls Canaries, Brockton Rox and the Saints, the latter the group's flagship franchise. The Saints drew 297,000 fans last season; 102 percent of stadium capacity.

Aronson (pictured), a 31-year-old University of Colorado graduate, has been with the Saints for two years, after a similar stint with the Miracle. In addition to National Tap Dance Day, the upcoming home stand beginning May 22 will include Thursday's Salute to Ramen Noodles; Friday's appearance by Zap of the American Gladiators (sponsored by the Minnesota Asthma Coalition); and Saturday's Tribute to famous mime Marcel Marceau.

"I have Mike Veeck's book, Fun Is Good, on my desk, and I live that philosophy," Aronson said. "He comes to St. Paul a couple of times a month, and he's an inspiration. There is an atmosphere here that promotes creativity. They want us to take chances."

Of course there have been some ideas that haven't worked out, such as the infamous Mime Day about eight years ago.

"This was before I came to St. Paul, but we had a game in which we put mimes on the roof of the home dugout to act as instant replay, reenacting plays," Aronson said. "But then this kid threw a hot dog and hit one of the mimes; it also happened to be Dollar Hot Dog Night. The mimes were getting pelted with hot dogs, which was good for concessions, but the team never did that again.

"You have to remember what kind of a market St. Paul is," Aronson said. "This area has the Twins and the Timberwolves, Lynx and the Wild, plus several college teams. We're competing with a lot, so we have to be innovative and give people something they haven't seen."

One of those glorious ideas will come on July 16, when the Saints stage their promotion entitled A Monkey Can Do That!

"We're going to bring in a real monkey, who will perform several of the tasks that we usually do," Aronson said. "The monkey will help drag the infield, take tickets, and may even sit in on the TV side of our game broadcast. It's really one of the most basic ideas you can come up with."

Um, sure it is ...

But please, folks, do not throw hot dogs at the monkey. Thanks.

UPDATE: Reader Max2068 shares action photos of his personal nun massage at a Saints game. Awesome!

Contact us with any minor league photos, game reports or news on promotions at RickChand@GMail.com. Thank you, my son.

The CPL of course is a collegiate summer league, but operated as a professional minor league from 1937 to 1952. The CPL returned in 1997 to fill a void in summer baseball, and now features 14 teams from North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. Among them are the Thomasville Hi-Toms, the Wilmington Sharks and the Wilson Tobs. But none of their mascots can equal the charm and brooding sex appeal of Blowie, seen in action below during a 2007 game.

And remember, kids love Blowie!

Now, a trip to the land of minor league promotions:

• Prom Gone Wrong Night. Tonight, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Featuring painful songs of heartache and rejection; awkward and embarrassing photos on the video board; parental chaperones ... just like your prom, except that afterwards there might be sex. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• 80's Hair Rock Night. Friday, May 9. West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). I always get my Hair Rock confused with my Glam Rock and my Glitter Rock. At any rate, there should be plenty of Mott The Hoople.

• Mascot/PA Announcer Tryouts. Saturday, May 10, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). "The Grand Prairie AirHogs have announced try-outs for various positions this coming Saturday. The team hopes to find its PA Announcer, Mascot, and National Anthem Singers all in one day. All are welcome. The auditions will take place at QuikTrip Park at Grand Prairie, located at 1600 Lone Star Parkway." Also, it couldn't hurt to bring your glove.

• Soybean Night. May 27, Fargo-Moorehead Redhawks (Independent Northern League). Not sure of the details here. All I know is that it's sponsored by the North Dakota Soybean Council, and you know how crazy those guys can get.

• Figurine of the Moment. Ryan Howard Snow Globe Giveaway, Tonight, Reading Phillies (Class AA Eastern League). Howard, a Reading Phillies alumn, as you've always imagined him: In a Santa outfit, in a globe, surrounded by fake snow. It'll be our merriest Christmas ever!

Send all minor league baseball promotional tips, photos and game accounts to RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

OK ... actually, the beer bottle appears to be empty. But how did it get that way, and how many more empties are under the seat?

Video: Babies Drinking Beer At The Ballpark? Always Good Fun [Bugs & Cranks]

''I think it will be very cool,'' Sandberg said. ''It's probably a chance of a lifetime for some of these players to come to here and actually play a game at Wrigley Field. I can't imagine what that will be like for them. I'm excited about it and I know the fans will have some fun with the game. It's bringing minor-league baseball to Wrigley for one night.''

So this is kind of a big deal; like when the Bad News Bears played in the Astrodome. I'll be interested to see what kind of attendance this draws. I had jokes all ready to go about how playing a minor league game at Wrigley would be redundant, but the Cubs are in first place, so I threw them out. Dammit. Instead, once again enjoy this fat guy stuck in the outfield screen.

Sandberg's Chiefs To Host Cougars At Wrigley [Chicago Sun-Times]

We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. What do we study here? THE WAY OF THE FIST, SIR. And what is that way? STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY, SIR. And when the Fresno Grizzlies stage a promotion, they also take no prisoners. Thursday, May 15 is Totally Rad '80s Night at Chukchansi Park, where the honored guest will be Cobra Kai karate dojo bad boy Johnny Lawrence. Yes, Daniel-san's nemesis, in person. Not for the meek!

In case you question his credentials, Mr. Lawrence was voted No. 1 in Star Pulse magazine's list of Top Movie Dicks of All Time in 2006. Not only did he sweep Daniel Russo's leg in a pivotal scene in the 1984 film The Karate Kid, but let us not forget that he was also responsible for smashing Daniel's boom box at the beach, and trashing his bike. We will never forget his sneer and his solar panel hairstyle (see video below).

His real name is Billy Zabka, and he appeared in several films subsequent to The Karate Kid; among them the 1992 classic Shootfighter: Fight To The Death. Now 42, he's still active in films and is a creative director for a music publishing firm.

"When we decided to have an '80s night, and learned that Billy Zabka lived lived in Grass Valley (near Sacramento), it was a natural to try and get him," said Grizzlies' Vice President of Marketing Scott Carter. "He was glad to do it. We asked him if we could recreate a Karate Kid fight scene and have our mascot, Parker, kick him in the face. He said sure." Totally Rad '80s Night will also feature a tribute to Garbage Pail Kids, '80s music, and other things yet to be dreamed up. Grab your body bag and come on down. Yeah!

Other promotions you're not going to want to miss:

• Tree Sapling Giveaway. Friday, South Bend Silver Hawks (Class-A Midwest League). Who can resist a promotion in which the first 3,000 fans receive trees? Kind of like a do-it-yourself bat day. (Note: No, ESPN employees may not keep the trees).

• Who Wants To Be A Mexican Millionaire? Monday, May 5, Huntsville Stars (Class-AA Southern League).
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo the good, old-fashioned politically incorrect way, as the Stars will hand out "green cards" and take whacks at a "human pinata." Plus, for two bucks, Gen. Santa Ana will let you drink a beer from his artificial leg. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Chris Snee Day. May 18, Binghamton Mets (Class-AA Eastern League). The Mets honor the New York Giants offensive guard and Montrose, Pa., native, who will sign autographs before the game with the Erie Seawolves. Please form an orderly line. Mr. Snee will not sign body parts.

• Bobblehead of the Moment. Ross Grimsley Bobblehead Giveaway. Saturday, Augusta GreenJackets (Class-A South Atlantic League). The GreenJackets salute the 1970s with $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon in 16oz. cans, disco dancing, twister, afros and Ross Grimsley, the former Reds, Orioles and Expos pitcher who is their current pitching coach. The doll should be a very interesting and sought-after item.

We're looking for your Minor League tips. Send all photos, game accounts, promotional news and recipes to RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

Click here to see the new hats cast their eerie spell. (Caution: Not for the meek).

Someday of course all baseball cap logos will glow in the dark, and you'll have Ghosts CEO Kevin Haughian to thank for it. He is also responsible for the current top best-selling Minor League cap, that of the Lake Elsinore Storm.

The Ghosts are also the only team anywhere to be named after a Harveys Entertainment cartoon character. That's the studio that gave us Baby Huey, Wendy the Good Witch, Herman and Katnip, Little Audrey and Richie Rich ... kind of a low-rent Disney. Now if the Ghosts can tie in their concessions to Little Lotta, they'll have something.

And now, here come the Minor League promotions:

• 60's Psychedelic Night. Tonight, West Virginia Power (Class-A South Atlantic League). Generally I don't need an excuse to take LSD, but I'll fit right in tonight at Appalachian Power Park, where our nation's groovy, bell-bottomed heritage will be celebrated ... up to and including post-game karaoke.

• Australia Day. Saturday, Erie SeaWolves (Class-AA Eastern League). Includes the always popular Boomerang Giveaway, a Steve Irwin tribute, and salute to Australian-born Major Leaguers. Plus, music of the BeeGees and Men at Work. What, no Anne Murray?

Other breaking news:

Mr. Celery Conducts The Delaware Symphony Orchestra. Yes the rumors are true: Famed Wilmington Blue Rocks mascot Mr. Celery will take up the baton on Saturday at the Grand Opera House in Wilmington to conduct a presentation of The Firebird. The co-production by the Enchantment Theater and the Delaware Symphony Orchestra "weaves together puppetry, shadow play, masks and magic with evocative music by Stravinsky in this captivating Russian tale." The performance also includes Bizet's Carmen Suite and begins at 2 p.m. Adults $20, children $10. For tickets call the Grand Opera House box office at (302) 652-5577.

Joliet Jackhammers Offer Contract To Frank Thomas. The Joliet Jackhammers of the Independent Northern League have extended a contract offer to Frank Thomas, who was released from the Blue Jays last week. Had he signed, Thomas would have received "a monthly salary in addition to a free apartment," according to the Jackhammers' press release. Alas: It appears that the Jackhammers' offer was not sweet enough.

Cam Of The Week. Cedar Rapids Kernels Dale and Thomas Popcorn Field KernelsCam (scroll to bottom of page). Hmm, looks like rain.

Billboard Of The Week. St. Paul Saints Billboard Corn Field. If only this included a cam.

Kevin In The Ticket Office Says Goodbye. Sad, sad news from the Clearwater Threshers. Kevin from the ticket office is discontinuing his blog, to "pursue other interests." It's a heartfelt farewell, equaled only perhaps by the final episode of M*A*S*H.

Please send any Minor League promotional news, game accounts, photos or recipes to us at RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

On Friday we brought you the news that some folks were not happy with the Kansas City T-Bones baseball team, who are planning a Michael Vick "Welcome to the Neighborhood Day" at CommunityAmerica Ballpark on May 28. Vick is incarcerated at nearby Leavenworth on a dogfighting conviction, giving the T-Bones the idea to throw a prison-themed promotion. Among other things, the teams that day will play in special prison-themed jerseys, which are to be auctioned off after the game with the proceeds going to local animal rights groups. (UPDATE: It seems that the T-Bones have dropped the jersey idea).

But this did not sit well with some folks, including Kristy Winfrey, who authors the Kansas City-based Animal Advocate blog. Said Winfrey on her blog: "I think they are making a joke of it in a way because they are all dressing up in prison clothes. I think it is inappropriate to do that and to use Michael Vick's name. ... I think it is distasteful. I don't think they should be focusing on Michael Vick going to prison as it clouds the real issue. It is just sick and twisted in my opinion."

However, the top of Ms. Winfrey's blog happens to be festooned with this photo:

Is not dressing a cat as a ladybug just as distasteful as a Michael Vick prison baseball jersey? I say yes. And many Deadspin readers agreed; responding by leaving comments on Ms. Winfrey's blog (all of which have been removed, evidently). But Ms. Winfrey did let it be known what she thought of us:

The nuts (from deadspin.com) have come out in droves! There have been many people leaving rude and obnoxious comments about my opinion. It would be nice to actually get some productive comments, rather than these childish insults and observations. Just think if these people could put such effort into something constructive.

And then another salvo:

It is amazing to me how many rude people we have in our society. They can say whatever they want, it doesn't bother me too much because I know that I am a good person. What their comments told me, besides that they were immature and annoying, was that people automatically believe you are a "nutcase" or "crazy cat lady" if they find out you help cats.

Helping cats is laudable, of course. But if you believe as I do that God's great plan includes affording our animal friends a certain degree of dignity, then you will please refrain from dressing your cat as a wizard. Thank you.

T-Bones' Michael Vick Promotion Under Fire [Deadspin]
T-Bones Welcome Michael Vick To The Neighborhood [Deadspin]
The Animal Advocate

For one thing, Kristy objects to the fact that the T-Bones will be wearing game jerseys that are modeled after prison attire. So she fires off a few impassioned posts on her blog, including the quote:

"I think it's making a joke of it all," Winfrey said. "I think once people get there, it's going to look ridiculous to them."

Yes, yes, Kristy. I have just visited your blog, and have seen the photos at the top. I can see that you're totally against things being ridiculous.

Somebody please raid Kristy's place and free those cats!

T-Bones media director Tommy Thrall says that the event is really about raising awareness for neglected pets. Several animal advocate groups will be on hand for the game, and there will even be a pet parade in the outfield.

"We're all big animal lovers here. A lot of us have dogs," Thrall said. "We thought, 'How can we make this a positive deal?' "

Well, maybe dress up the dogs in ballerina outfits?

Independent League Team's Vick Night Bothers Some [USA Today]
T-Bones Welcome Michael Vick To The Neighborhood [Deadspin]
The Animal Advocate Blog

The team that gave you the Redneck Olympics (featuring the grueling mullet competition) finally has an event that you can attend with your dog. Since Michael Vick is incarcerated very near their home field, the Kansas City T-Bones (Independent Northern League) have decided to throw a Michael Vick Welcome to the Neighborhood Night on May 28. The best part: The T-Bones will be wearing black and white striped jerseys, and the visiting Gary SouthShore RailCats will wear bright orange jumpsuit replica jerseys. (Note to Cincinnati Bengals: Do not steal this idea).

Because I have unlimited wireless minutes before 9 a.m., I called T-Bones media guy Tommy Thrall for details.

"We were sitting around brainstorming promotional ideas, and figured we should do something with Michael Vick, since he's so close by at Leavenworth," Thrall said. "Someone Mapquested it, and found that Leavenworth is only 16 miles from the park. So it seemed like a natural."

The T-Bones are still throwing around ideas, but likely to be included in Michael Vick Night are:

• Players and/or coaches being introduced while wearing shackles.

• Relief pitchers to be shuttled from the bullpen via paddy wagon.

• On-field dog parade.

• Prison siren to celebrate runs scored by home team.

• Free tickets for fans who bring a picture of themselves with their dog.

"Also, I'm sure that the park will be appropriately decorated for the prison themed night," Thrall said. "Most of all it's an opportunity to raise awareness about animal abuse and pet adoption." Several shelters and adoption agencies will be on hand, and fans can even start the paperwork if they'd like to adopt a dog. The prison replica jerseys will be auctioned off after the game with the proceeds benefiting the participating pet organizations. Jersey designs below.

Elsewhere on the promotional horizon:

Salute to Tools Night. Friday, Altoona Curve (Class-AA Eastern League). Enjoy the game with your miter saw. Plus, Steve Urkel appearance (because he's a tool; get it?). But that's not all. On Thursday the Curve will feature Animal House Night, as they mark the film's 30th anniversary with on-field re-creations of classic scenes. And Monday is Salute to Forgotten Presidents Night. It's the night before the Pennsylvania primaries, after all.

Salute To Ramen Noodles. Friday, Salem Avalanche (Class-A Carolina League). A 60-year anniversary tribute to the instant meal which was invented by Momofuku Ando in 1948. Noodle packets will be given to the first 1,000 fans in attendance, plus Ramen-themed activities throughout the game. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

Gino Castignoli Night. July 26, Lancaster Jethawks (Class-A, California League). The Red Sox affiliate will honor construction worker Gino Castignoli, who buried a David Ortiz jersey beneath the new Yankee Stadium during construction, which the Yankees then dug back out at much expense. The team will give away tattered Red Sox jersey t-shirts to the first 1,000 fans, and pieces of concrete will be autographed by current JetHawks players and distributed to lucky fans throughout the game. Free chunks of concrete to Red Sox fans? I see no way that could end badly. [Thanks to Ian Bethune]

Lowell Spinners Honor The Red-Tailed Hawk. Aug. 4, Lowell Spinners (Class-A New York-Penn League). The Spinners are excited to announce that the Red-Tailed Hawk has been named the official mascot of the team's Yankees Elimination Promotion. The hawk gained national fame when it attacked a middle schooler named Alexa Rodriguez during a tour of Fenway Park recently. The Spinners will have an actual Red-Tailed Hawk at the park that day for fans to examine, courtesy of the Raptor Project.

Bobblehead of the Moment. Squeeze Bobblehead, tonight, Vero Beach Devil Rays (Class-A Florida State League). The Devil Rays (note that the word Devil is still intact) pay tribute to their obese mascot with this squeezable toy that your dog will certainly enjoy eating. But hurry ... only 200 are available! [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

Send any tips on Minor League promotions to RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

This drawing here will grace the cover of an official West Virginia Power game program this season; and if anyone can get their hands on one and send it to me, I'd be eternally grateful. So anyway, Minor League baseball season is here! It's still a little early in the season for the full-fledged 2008 debut of Minor Enterprise, because most of the really wacky promotions have yet to be scheduled. But there are some recent developments that need to be addressed.

• Two brand new franchises; the Lehigh Valley IronPigs (Class-AAA, International League) and the Northwest Arkansas Naturals (Class-AA, Texas League) open play this week; the IronPigs on Friday and the Naturals on Thursday. See you there!

• The Lexington Legends (Class-A, South Atlantic League) will have Transformers Night on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, in which the first 250 kids to enter Applebee's Park will receive a Transformers Legends AllSpark Battle Pack. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Don't forget: The Macon Music's Eliot Spitzer Night is June 13.

Put on your Lake Elsinore Storm cap, and I'll see you at the ballpark.

2008 Power Cover Contest [West Virginia Power]

The slugger did get one offer Wednesday, to work in media relations for a minor league team. The Lake Elsinore Storm, a Class-A affiliate of the San Diego Padres, released a tongue-in-cheek statement announcing that the club has offered Bonds "a cushy Media Relations position (with slight pay cut from $19.3 million), full use of baseball facilities and of course expanded cubicle space with barcalounger and plasma TV."

But seriously, folks, the MLB Players' Union has decided to investigate the fact that Bonds has had no offers to play in the majors. I'd venture to guess that one reason might be that Federal prosecutors are about seek a new indictment on him. Can you blame owners for being a little shy?

But back to the Storm's offer: How could Barry not want to wear this hat?

Bonds Gets Job Offer — In Media Relations [MSNBC]
Union Looking Into Bonds Snub [SFGate]
Feds Will Seek New Bonds Indictment [MSNBC]
Roger Clemens' Next Employment Opportunity [Deadspin]
Lake Elsinore Storm

The team announced Wednesday that Luther Williams Field will play host to Eliot Spitzer night on June 13 in honor of the disgraced New York governor who announced his resignation Wednesday after allegations surfaced about his involvement in a prostitution ring. The plans call for an invitation extended to Spitzer to attend the game and throw out the first pitch. Other elements for the promotion include:

• The Music will give away a trip to New York and a one-night stay at the Mayflower Hotel.

• The ninth fan - or Client No. 9, as Spitzer was known in the prostitution ring - into the ballpark will receive a free Music prize pack.

• Fans with the name Eliot, Spitzer or Kristen, along with any fan from New York, will receive $1 off admission. Any fan who has ever resigned a position will also receive $1 off admission.

• The Music will play Frank Sinatra songs throughout the night.

• Wire taps will be placed around the stadium.

• Fans will be able to use ATMs in the ballpark available for cash withdrawals not to exceed $5,000 per hour.

• The 871st fan through the gates will receive a gift certificate for the team store.

Nowhere, however, do I see the five golden words I was longing for: "Certificate good for free prostitute."

Eliot Spitzer Night Comes To Macon [Lion In Oil]
Minor Enterprise [Deadspin]
Macon Music Official Site