Roger Clemens... Blah Blah Blah

I suppose this is newsworthy enough to check in on. I originally thought it wasn't, but most news outlets seem to be treating it as such, so what the hell. Yesterday, Roger Clemens said there was an 80% chance that he was retired for good. But then, he also said this:

"The teams that are involved, I think they got really good clubs that are together," Clemens said. "And if somebody stubs their toe and my phone rings in May, I might have to answer it."

Oh, so we're right back where we started, and we don't know anything more about this than we did before? Terrific. Thanks.

My money is on the toe-stubbing, the phone ringing, and then the check-cashing. If he truly didn't want to play, he'd just say he doesn't want to play. It seems to me like he wants to play, but he doesn't want to put in the work that accompanies it... which is completely understandable.

When the time comes, though, he'll put the uniform back on, he'll smear the Icy Hot on his naughty spot, and he'll take the mound again.

ROCKET: 80-20 I'LL RETIRE [New York Post]
Roger Clemens Hates His Crotch [Deadspin]

2:28 PM on Sat Feb 17 2007
By MJD
1,173 views
45 comments

Comments

Doxidan, Gentle Doxidan at 02:42 PM on 02/17/07
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To stop those 'Roiders 1-2-3
Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free
It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
Guarantee void in Tennessee!
Doxidan, Gentle Doxidan at 02:42 PM on 02/17/07
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Fuck. THe punchline, is, naturally, Just don't look.
TheStarterWife at 02:45 PM on 02/17/07
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I think his teammates should start wear Doc Martin's to spite him.
Len Bias Cocaine Surplus at 02:45 PM on 02/17/07
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so if I hire a hitman to take out Matt Clement in May Roger Clemens will come to Boston?
Gasface at 02:47 PM on 02/17/07
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Great heading. I'm starting to feel the same way about Clemens news as I do about Paris Hilton news.

And taking nothing away from what he's done, but does anyone seriously think he's worth the money at this point for basically half a season?
Christ Sabo at 02:51 PM on 02/17/07
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If by 'IcyHot' you mean the Cream, then yes. Fuck the Roidin' Rocket.
Sarge at 02:51 PM on 02/17/07
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"stubs their toe...."

if this isn't a sure-fire sign he's replacing Kerry Wood, I don't know what is...
Mr. Bananagrabber at 02:55 PM on 02/17/07
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Once in college, my girlfriend put some Icy Hot on her shoulder (she had recently hurt it rock climbing). Minutes later, I showed up, completely unaware of what had happened. What ensued was the most memorable, and by most memorable I mean worst, handjob of my life.
Lady Andrea at 02:59 PM on 02/17/07
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Yeouch. Is that why you became Mr. Bananagrabber? You won't let a female anywhere near it anymore, will you?
The Fan’s Attic at 03:00 PM on 02/17/07
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Gasface:
Today is Paris Hilton's birthday.

I think Lorenzo Mata is as ugly as Paris Hilton's coochie.
Mr. Bananagrabber at 03:03 PM on 02/17/07
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Yeah, when thinking of potential commenter names I didn't realize how incredibly #### mine sounded until it was too late. Still, I find it just amusing enough to keep.
Len Bias Cocaine Surplus at 03:04 PM on 02/17/07
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Mr. Bananagrabber for some reason just became my hero
Mr. Bananagrabber at 03:07 PM on 02/17/07
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I'm afraid to ask why.
The Leonard Leap at 03:07 PM on 02/17/07
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So let me get this straight (no pun intended), he's semi-pregnant?
Len Bias Cocaine Surplus at 03:10 PM on 02/17/07
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I'm afraid to ask why.

I think you became a hero for me by suffering through tragedy.

You are like Pat Tillman to me.
Lady Andrea at 03:12 PM on 02/17/07
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The Pat Tillman of Handjobs.....

That is Mr. Bananagrabber's new commenter name.
Scott Chill at 03:13 PM on 02/17/07
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Appropos of nothing: Britney Spears has apparently snapped!

Or was this already discussed and I missed it?
Philistine at 03:16 PM on 02/17/07
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***BULLETIN***

The Feature Story on tomorrow night's '60 Minutes' is about Kenny F. Chesney. We will be expecting a live blog from DeadOn.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
ScottVanPeltIsMyHero at 03:16 PM on 02/17/07
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What ensued was the most memorable, and by most memorable I mean worst, handjob of my life.

...ladies.
Lady Andrea at 03:17 PM on 02/17/07
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Scott Chill, I saw that. Even though I'd say she snapped when she married a gross, unwashed homeless man and started popping out kids.
Doxidan, Gentle Doxidan at 03:18 PM on 02/17/07
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Who is that twit standing next to Clemens? Did the Roid Rocket grab him and say, Hey, stand in this photo, make my neck look even fatter by comparison.

Fuck you Rocket. Go spend time with Koby, Kory, Kleagle, whomever, I'm glad you can devote so much time to your family. Shut the fuck up about it.
Lady Andrea at 03:19 PM on 02/17/07
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SVP, I don't know if that warranted a ladies....
Lady Andrea at 03:22 PM on 02/17/07
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Where are my damn posts? Nibbles!
The Great Barstoolio at 03:23 PM on 02/17/07
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Banagrabber, the worst prank anyone ever played on me was at volleyball camp. Someone smeared icy hot on the toilet seats, and 5 minutes after using the restroom I was convinced I needed to visit the ER. We finally deduced from the minty smell that I did not, in fact, have flaming ass-skin disease. But it was terrifying.
Scott Chill at 03:25 PM on 02/17/07
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Thiis post on Perez Hilton and the look in Britney's eyes absolutely give me chills. I'm trying to decide if they're douche chills or what, but they are definitely chills.
Christ Sabo at 03:26 PM on 02/17/07
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I didn't know it was possible to receive a bad handjob, but I guess that would be painful.
Christ Sabo at 03:30 PM on 02/17/07
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I'd definitely have intercourse with Bald Britney.
The Fan’s Attic at 03:31 PM on 02/17/07
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Chill:

That is truly disturbing. She definitely has an ugly looking dome. It's kinda Sam Cassell shaped.
Christ Sabo at 03:31 PM on 02/17/07
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Wow, also on that Perez Hilton site is this comment:

BRITNEY MAY BE BALD...BUT AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE NAPPY, SHEEPISH FUCKED UP HAIR LIKE THOSE PORCH -MONKEY, SPEAR CHUCKIN BLACK ANIMALS...I CAN'T EVEN CALL THEM PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THIER BEHAVIOR. AND AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE HERPES LIKE PARIS.
Perhaps it was former Deadspinner TsetseFly?
Mr. Bananagrabber at 03:32 PM on 02/17/07
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Barstoolio, I have also had Icy Hot put in my boxers at volleyball camp (does this happen at all volleyball camps?) and my suit before swim practice, but let me tell you, nothing compares to having it massaged into the skin... I can't believe I fucking shared this story on a major website.
ScottVanPeltIsMyHero at 03:32 PM on 02/17/07
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Shit.
Christ Sabo at 03:33 PM on 02/17/07
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Also from the perez Hilton site, this comment:

BRITNEY MAY BE BALD...BUT AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE NAPPY, SHEEPISH FUCKED UP HAIR LIKE THOSE PORCH -MONKEY, SPEAR CHUCKIN BLACK ANIMALS...I CAN'T EVEN CALL THEM PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THIER BEHAVIOR. AND AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE HERPES LIKE PARIS.

Perhaps it was former Deadspin commenter tsetseFly?
Christ Sabo at 03:34 PM on 02/17/07
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This was on Perez Hilton site as well:

BRITNEY MAY BE BALD...BUT AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE NAPPY, SHEEPISH FUCKED UP HAIR LIKE THOSE PORCH -MONKEY, SPEAR CHUCKIN BLACK ANIMALS...I CAN'T EVEN CALL THEM PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THIER BEHAVIOR. AND AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T HAVE HERPES LIKE PARIS.
You stay classy, Perez Hilton.
The Great Barstoolio at 03:37 PM on 02/17/07
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I can't believe I fucking shared this story on a major website.

You also admitted to being a male volleyball player. Oh, I kid, I kid.
Mr. Bananagrabber at 03:39 PM on 02/17/07
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Hey, don't knock male volleyball players. We got to share the gym with the female volleyball players. And if I had gone to any other high school on the planet, that would have been great.
Philistine at 03:41 PM on 02/17/07
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Um, Sabo...

Once was probably too many for that one.
The Great Barstoolio at 03:42 PM on 02/17/07
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All in jest. I happen to love men who can play.
Blackguard at 03:50 PM on 02/17/07
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Some people just do not have the correct skull shape to sport the bald look.

Britney is one of those people.
The Fan’s Attic at 03:53 PM on 02/17/07
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Sabo:

That was actually Willy Hayes.
Doxidan, Gentle Doxidan at 03:53 PM on 02/17/07
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Bananagrabber: Who said this was a major website? We're the underground.
Arn Ziffel at 03:54 PM on 02/17/07
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Is Clemens rockin' the denim nehru jacket as well as highlights? For the love of God.
AndyReidsOtherSon at 03:58 PM on 02/17/07
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So Roger Clemens has now officially become a booty call?
GiselleBeardchen at 04:35 PM on 02/17/07
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What, the Rockets boning Kenny Chesney now?
Christ Sabo at 05:27 PM on 02/17/07
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Apologies for the double post, amigos. First and last time.
Jay-C at 12:48 AM on 02/19/07
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I guess he's familiar with Carl Pavano's list of injuries if he's replacing people with stubbed toes...or sore butt cheeks...