Deadspin
The NBA Closer is written by our own Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or trying to find Schenectady, NY on a map, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast. Enjoy!
• Pile On. With NBA "Heritage Week" in full swing, the Knicks decided to wear uniforms from their 1972-73 season — the last time they won a championship. So how'd the old/new digs work out? Oh, gee, take a wild fuckin' guess. Kevin Durant dropped 30 points and Jeff Green added 17 as the 6-17 Seattle RookieSonics beat the shitastic Knicks 117-110. Adding insult to injury, former Knicks forward Kurt Thomas scored five clutch points over the final few minutes to seal the deal. C'mon, Isiah ... Kurt Thomas? Can that dude even see straight? New York falls to 6-15, tied with Miami for the worst record in the East.
• Respect The Underhand, Dammit! The Rockets shot 6-for-22 from the charity stripe, missing 14 of their first 15 attempts, yet still beat the Pistons 80-77. Man, when will it all make sense? Tracy McGrady, taking a page from the Isiah Thomas excuse-book, explained his team's foul line futility: "It's mental. It's just you and the basket," he said. "And the fans definitely don't make it easy on you. Every time you miss, (they say), 'Awwww!' 'Awwww!' That's the worst thing you can do to a player — especially at home." Awwww, NBA players and coaches want to play in noise-canceling headphones. Cute.
• Good God Almighty! Garnett Killed Brady! Here's a fun idea I just came up with while eating a pizza bagel: Patriots versus Celtics in a "Hell in a Cell" match. Yeah, that's right; two dominant New England-based teams enter the cage ... only one crew survives the night! Winner gets the Red Sox in a "Ladder Match" at Summerslam. What? You wouldn't pay good money to see Boston teams beat the shit out of each other? Rookie Glen Davis scored 16 points in his first NBA start to lead Boston to a 90-78 win over the Kings to keep the Celtics unbeaten at home. Sacramento is now 0-9 on the road.
• He A Get, Get, Get, Get, You Dunk. Kris Kristofferson. Kris Kross. Kris Humphries. I see a pattern, and that pattern is awesome. Kris Humphries had 16 points and 12 rebounds and Kris Bosh — snicker, snicker, snicker — scored 17 as the Raptors beat-up the Mavericks 92-76. Joy! And in even better news: T.J. Ford, seen walking and smiling, received a loud ovation when he joined the Raps' bench in street clothes during the second quarter.
Comments
I think Schenectady is west of Oregon, Skeets. Or south. One of those.
Sadly, when Isiah scoreboard-watches, he thinks basketball is scored like golf.
I'm Schenectady (the Electric City) born and bred, I'll be more than happy to help Skeets find it on a map.
@Tuffy: No, no. it's across the street from Bumfuck Egypt and the other side of the Ottoman Empire.
Celtics/Patriots Hell in a Cell match? Who'll get thrown off the top through the announce table, Mankind-style?
You think Things are bad for Isiah Thomas now... wait till his name shows up on the Mitchell Report this afternoon.
@Tuffy: Schenectady? Halfway between nowhere and here.
Also, it's pronounced "throat warbler mangrove".
I was going to make a WWE joke, but I think Simmons ruined those for everyone.
@Doyle McPoyle: Dunno, but Beli-cheat and Doc Rivers both have Foley grade brain damage already.
@ghostsoftheSCupcountry: That explains why he's below par.
@Upstate Underdog: I've been led to believe Scranton is the Electric City.
@Doyle McPoyle: Not sure, but I'd love to hear Randall Gay's entrance music
KNICKS KEEP ON FALLING Falling falling INTO THE FUTURE...
The Knicks would have new/old digs if they switched arenas. I'm thinking you meant "duds" or, in a tribute to the early '70s, "threads."
Now I'm going to do some editing for my actual job.
/pedantic wankerdom
@Tuffy: You are such a Joker.
Hey Isiah, we might be able to use you here.
/ Arthur Blank
FREE RENALDO BALKMAN!!!
"Free" as in "liberate", not "doesn't cost anything", you silly moo.
@J E Skeets: And in even better news: T.J. Ford, seen walking and smiling, received a loud ovation when he joined the Raps' bench in street clothes during the second quarter.
So when do the Patriots play the Raptors? After all, someone's got to steal the feel-good sentiment. The Pats have already proven they can do it.
@Nationalcoholic: You've been led top believe wrong.
[en.wikipedia.org]
That's the worst LOLcat ever.
I'd love to see the Pats/Celtics in a "spin the wheel/make the deal match". Bishoff sucked almost as bad the Knicks back then.
@Upstate Underdog: Pat Reilly is happy for you.
MERRY MITCHELL REPORT MORNING!!! God bless us, every one!
Any city with a 12345 zip code can't be that hard to find...even for a Canadian
@Windy City Flyer: Hey, nothing beats Judy Bagwell on a Pole Match.
When he's not busy scouring the box scores or trying to pronounce Schenectady, NY ...
Fixed.
Ahh, as Isiah stares up at the scoreboard, he wonders if he turned off the toaster oven...and, are there really turkish prisons? And...why do dogs take pleasure in rubbing up and down my leg? "Oh, wait, I think I should call a timeout."
@CardinalRedOctober:
They're already calling the names.
Roger Clemens... come on down!
/still don't give a flying fuck if all of them were juicing.
@Upstate Underdog: Is this like Highlander? Can there be only one?
[en.wikipedia.org]
ESPN Radio just reported that Clemens will be named in Mitchell for steroids
@Rob Iracane: Fair. But this is the best.
@Tuffy: That's exactly what I was thinking!
@Sarcastro: I should've went with "T-H-reads."
@Tuffy: + 53 & 54.
(Those are the jokers.)
Kurt Thomas has 2 entirely separate lines of vision...that's a distinct advantage if ever there were one.
"That's the worst LOLcat ever."
It's more of a WTFdog.
Back up--a Fergie reference, Skeets? What the hell? That's Weintraub's turf.
@She Blinded Me With Violence: China, I have something that you may want...
@Nationalcoholic: My head hurts just thinking about it.
@luol dang: Not really a suprise.
@J.E. Skeets: Steve Miller voice or Seal voice?
PREVIOUS SSW:
SSW with Fergie references.
NEW SSW:
NBA Closer with Fergie references.
BUT WAIT THERE'S LESS:
Actually, no, there isn't. That's it. Carry on.
Mmmmmmmmm......pizza bagel.
/Stopped reading after that
Glen Davis has been awesome... strong kid, big down low, fighter.
great yin to Garnett's yang.
@luol dang: I went to the mall yesterday and sat on George Mitchell's lap and asked for a Clemens for Steroids Day. I hope that means I've been good enough this year.
Zeke deserves a raise, right Dolan?
It's all fine and good, but I miss Walton.
Last nights Knicks loss was clearly the fans fault
Surrounded by a chorus of booing mouths, Isiah... oh, sorry, I thought you said Synecdoche.
The Sixers won? Again? It's true! Four in a row. Last night they took down the T-Wolves, who may be worse than the Knicks these days if that's possible. OK maybe it isn't. But moving on, in his latest blog, Gilbert Arenas takes aim at the contracts of several NBA players looking to get raises.
@MitchKayak: How about a Karate Kid or MTV reality show metaphor?
Ladder match? Only with Jerry Remy working the Spanish Announcer's Table.
Buenos Tardes Amigos!
@Upstate Underdog: You guys steam a good ham up there.
LEBRON JAMES IS ON THE MITCHELL REPORT!
Unfortunately Zeke was reading the number of timeouts left and not the game score. That's why he thought his team was winning 5-1.