Believe it or not, folks, the NFL season is much closer than you can possibly imagine. So close, in fact, that, if we're going to fit in every NFL team preview by the start of the season, we have to go this early. So there you have it.
Last year, we asked some of our favorite writers to opine why Their Favorite Team Was Better Than Yours. Ultimately, we found this constrictive, and it also might have killed James Frey. So this time, we've just asked them to just run free, talk about their team, their experience as a fan, their hopes, their dreams, their desires for oral sex. All our teams are now assigned; if you sent us an email and we didn't get back to you, we're sorry, and we accept your scorn. But today: The Detroit Lions.
Your author is Michael David Smith, who covers the NFL for Football Outsiders, the New York Sun, AOL FanHouse and Pro Football Talk. His words are after the jump.
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This will be the Detroit Lions' shortest season ever.
When you're a Lions fan, in the Matt Millen era, the season doesn't last 16 games. It lasts until you've decided it's just too painful to keep watching and you can't take it anymore. Now, you might think that after all the pain we've suffered during the Millen era, we Lions fans would have decided, permanently, to stop watching about five years ago. But Lions fans aren't that different from the fans of the other 31 NFL teams. We allow ourselves to get swept up in the belief that this year could be our year, and when Week 1 of the NFL season begins, we're as excited as everyone else.
But every year we eventually realize that we don't have a team worthy of our excitement, and during the Millen era, that realization has come sooner and sooner each season. In 2001, we Lions fans didn't give up until December. Sure, the Lions started the season 0-12, but we just couldn't believe that Millen had made our team - which went 9-7 in 2000, the year before Millen became general manager - the laughingstocks of football. We kept watching in disbelief, week after week, as the Lions became the subjects of the only funny jokes Jay Leno has told this millennium.
In 2002 the Lions were almost as bad as they were in 2001, but the first-round draft choice that year was Joey Harrington. We just knew Harrington was our Quarterback of the Future, and he managed to keep us interested until Thanksgiving.
In 2003 we had new head coach Steve Mariucci to keep us going until mid-November. Mooch was such a nice guy that he just had to succeed. All successful football coaches are nice guys, right?
In 2004, the Lions teased us by starting 4-2, and that guaranteed that they'd keep us optimistic until at least Halloween. Yeah, they went 2-8 the rest of the way, but at least they waited until December to reach double-digit losses.
The last two years things have changed a little bit, and we've had no choice, in both 2005 and 2006, but to give up on the season in Week 2. In both years, we watched our Lions get their butts kicked up and down the field by the Bears in the second game of the season. Do you realize that the Lions have played the Bears in Week 2 for two straight years, and the combined score is Chicago 72, Detroit 13? As a Lions fan living in Chicago, I had to give up on the season after both of those games.
But this year it's going to be even worse: This year, Week 1 of the NFL season matches the Lions against the Oakland Raiders, the only team worse than the Lions last year. And that means a loss in Week 1 would cause us to abandon all hope.
And really, is there any doubt that the Lions will lose Week 1? These are the Lions we're talking about.
Sure, they've added rookie wide receiver Calvin Johnson. He looks great. And yeah, Mike Martz is our offensive coordinator. He makes things exciting. And Jon Kitna insists the Lions will go 16-0, and he'll throw 250 touchdown passes, while Roy Williams believes the offense will average 75 points a game. These guys are optimistic.
But these are the Matt Millen Lions we're talking about, and having a few guys around who make things exciting doesn't change the fact that the rest of the roster is as devoid of talent as NFL rosters get. Although drafting Johnson is one of the few Millen decisions I support, consider this: After selecting Johnson in the first round of this year's draft, Millen chose Michigan State quarterback Drew Stanton in the second round. At a press conference that day, Millen told the assembled reporters, "You guys are probably more familiar with him than I am."
It's not surprising that Millen would draft a quarterback and know less about him than the Lions' beat writers do. This is, after all, the general manager who made Cory Redding the highest-paid defensive tackle in the NFL this off-season. I like Redding, but seriously: This is the NFL of the salary cap era, when every dollar you spend on one player is a dollar you can't spend on another player. Do you think anyone on earth, other than Millen, believes Redding deserves to be the highest-paid defensive tackle in the NFL?
Other problems in Detroit include the once-promising young running back, Kevin Jones, who suffered a foot injury in December that might not allow him to run at full speed at all in 2007. And an offensive line that was the worst in the league in 2006. And the fact that their best defensive player last season, cornerback Dre Bly, was shipped to Denver because, it was reported at the time, "he doesn't appear to fit in Rod Marinelli's defensive scheme." Yeah, talented players just don't fit with what they're trying to do in Detroit.
So, as a Lions fan, instead of previewing the whole 16-game season, let me just tell you what will happen in Week 1: The Raiders are going to beat the Lions, with quarterback Josh McCown (a former Lion) leading Oakland to the victory. Starting 2007 with a loss to the only team that was worse than the Lions in 2006 will tell us Lions fans that the season is hopeless. And all we'll be able to say for the rest of the year is the same thing we've been saying for five years: Fire Millen.













Comments
That picture. Wow.
I'm starting to really feel bad for Lions fans. And I'm a Dolphins fan so that really says something.
Al Davis needs more formaldehyde.
One hand grenade could save two franchises, if one were to pursue that path.
For you displaced Lion fan:
[suicidehotlines.com]
@Detective Bunk: Again. Wow.
Being a Lions fan is like being a battered spouse. You keep coming back, and you tell yourself it will be different this time, but deep down, you know better.
Just lose, baby.
"I'm old as fuck. What's your excuse?"
Wait, where's the part where Mike Williams grabs three touchdowns in that Week 1 game?
I can't believe there are Lions fans who will have hope going into Week 1. It's still, to this day, the price one pays for enjoying football Saturday.
"If you're from the future, Marty, who is the GM of the Detroit Lions?"
"Matt Millen"
"The dumb football announcer? HA!"
/Back to the Future doesn't get enough love around here.
[old hag] Detriot? I didn't realize we still had a team.
[Millen] Yeah, it's great, we've got real uniforms and everything...
My favorite Deadspin headline of all time:
Matt Millen Laughs at the Pain He Causes you
The Cleveland Browns preview will have a hard time topping this.
@Yostal: I'm sure there are Sparty fans who also like the Lions, so imagine what life is like for them.
The Detroit Lions: Victim No. 1 in the Raiders quest for relevance.
Chris Benoit found this preview uplifting.
More importantly, the Lions offense is sweet on the new Madden.
Poor thing...dat wittle itty bitty lion cub is going to get stomped all over! Someone help!
Pretty soon they're going to bring Barry Sanders back. But THIS time he'll be...wait for it...
A quarterback! That's exactly what they need, and Millen already has it all in the works, believe you-me.
Yeah, we're gonna lose a lot of games. But they will be exciting, high-scoring (lack of defense) games.
Then we're gonna draft another wide receiver first.
Peter King scoffs at your inherent skepticism.
Now that you've got all of the old Lions jokes out of the way, can we have the actual preview?
Dre Bly, the "best" defensive player? have you watched a game in the past 2 seasons? Just aking...
I've got friends who still have Lions season tickets, though I suspect that they keep them just so they have a good cover story for spending three hours at Bouzouki's on a Sunday afternoon.
The Lions will win the NFC if Barry Sanders comes back.
Satan and his chief underling.
@Hit Bull Win Steak: Why the hell would he watch a Lions game? That's like asking someone to kick you in the balls.
@Christ Sabo: Hitting the bong a little early today, Christ?
That picture looks like a press-kit photo from Nothing But Trouble 2
What fontes did you use to type up this preview?
Headline from a few years back:
"11 Christians Thrown to Lions, Win 27-3"
@Detective Bunk: It's never too early, my friend.
I defy you to find a better team at completing a 3 yard dump pass (on 3rd&10)
And just think how things mighta been, if Joey had a "gay" receiver to throw to...
@MattMillenFanClub: ...completing a 3 yard dump pass (on 3rd&10)
The 2007 KC Chiefs, featuring head coach Herm Edwards.
God am I looking forward to this season...
I know that Matt Millen is the worst GM in the league, but havent the Lions sucked for about... forever? But at least they're not the Cardinals...
@Phony Gwynn: Nicely done. +1.
The Raiders and Lions will be having that battle for the 1st pick in next year's draft early.
@FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns:
She's a Lesbian! A Lesbian!!!
Thank you to the Lions and Vikings to allow the Packers to win at least 4 games a year.
@MattMillenFanClub: Brad Johnson, Mewelde Moore, and the 2006 Vikings would like to have a word...
For the love of Christ, can there be a rule that if you're going to preview a team, you have to at least live in that city? The Bengals review came from New York, and now a Lions review from Chicago?? How about a Jerusalem preview from Baghdad?
@katolesce: So proximity to the park = fandom? You can't be a long distance follower?
"Jon Kitna's gonna be the quarterback ... and ... and ... we're gonna run five-receiver sets all the time ... with .. uh.. a quarter defense as our standard set! Yeah, THAT's the ticket!!!"
/Lovitz
@katolesce: So you'd rather people change allegiances every time they have to change locations?
I think Matt is about to draft Davis as the team's 14th WR there...
"So, you like Jon Kitna? How's your hands? Did you play Div I? What's your speed rating in Madden? If I offered you $18.5M of guaranteed money, would you at least consider it?"
I do feel for Lions fans, though. It's such a profound feeling of powerlessness when you're saddled with a GM that bad. On the bright side, you did get to see Barry Sanders play....
@Disgruntled Goat: Oh God -- I smell a Simmons column coming up....
@katolesce: Who cares where they are from, as long as the previewer isn't previewing his "safety net" team ala the ex-Bills fan who previewed the Ravens.
@katolesce: I didn't realize that people living in Detroit could write.
/kidding
The thing that sucks about being a lions fan...is that Barry Sanders is the WORST radio guest of all-time. This was actually said on the radio again today.....so he's never a guest and we aren't able to go back and re-live those great (3) moments in our history.
SHIT
@Disgruntled Goat: I for one would rather he wasn't in Chicago; that goes for all those transplanted Green Bay cheeseheads too.
/homer
@Upstate Underdog:
Long distance followers are douches. There. I said it.
Long distance followers and fair weather fans are impossible to distinguish. Therefore, you can all suck my 'rhoid ridden ass.
@MattMillenFanClub: Bears fans were abundantly familiar with that offense a few years ago. I can't believe John Shoop got another O-coordinator job after his stint with the Bears, but it was with the Raiders and only after Mr. Bed-and-Breakfast was canned.
Enjoy him, University of North Carolina!
Ford Field, the nexus of human suffering.
This is how I remember every Lions offensive series in the Barry Sanders era:
-- B. Sanders 45-yard run
-- E. Kramer -- inc pass
-- E. Kramer -- inc pass
-- E. Kramer -- inc pass
-- punt
@katolesce: Man. Does this mean I have to be a Yankees and Giants fan? Christ, I hope not.
@katolesce: This douche who is still a Browns fan cares to disagree.
Maybe we could get Jeffri Chadiha at SI to write the Lions preview next year. Looks like he has his finger on the pulse of the team.
[sportsillustrated.cnn.com]
@Will Leitch: You could always go Jets/Mets.
That is a little more palatable.
@Will Leitch: Hey, being a Giants fan isn't all bad.*
*-Lie.
I call this picture
"When Death talks to Stupidity"