Deadspin
Believe it or not, folks, the NFL season is much closer than you can possibly imagine. So close, in fact, that, if we're going to fit in every NFL team preview by the start of the season, we have to go this early. So there you have it.
Last year, we asked some of our favorite writers to opine why Their Favorite Team Was Better Than Yours. Ultimately, we found this constrictive, and it also might have killed James Frey. So this time, we've just asked them to just run free, talk about their team, their experience as a fan, their hopes, their dreams, their desires for oral sex. All our teams are now assigned; if you sent us an email and we didn't get back to you, we're sorry, and we accept your scorn. But today: San Diego Chargers.
Your author is The Mighty MJD, retired Deadspin weekend editor and current author of The Debriefing. His words are after the jump.
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I hate looking at Norv Turner's face. I know it's not a particularly pleasurable experience for anyone, but for a Chargers fan ... it causes actual physical pain. My chest hurts when I look at his goddamn face.
Norv's face should be the international symbol for "we are about to lose." I'm not looking for sympathy. In fact, in a way, Norv's presence makes things easier ... had Marty Schottenheimer been around for another year, there would have been the tension of wondering if this was the year Marty could finally pull his head out of his ass in the postseason.
The odds pointed against it, sure, but if you give any loser enough chances, they usually eventually break through. Don Shula, John Elway, Peyton Manning ... all former chokers, all eventual champions. Maybe Marty would've joined that group.
Norv, I'm pretty sure, will never belong to any group that could be described with the word "champion." Marty, he was at least a respected football guy. At least on some level, he knew what he was doing as a head coach. He belonged on the stage. Norv, however ... not only does he not belong on the stage, I'm not sure he belongs backstage, giving free handjobs to the guys who do belong.
And you know the worst thing about him? Norv's the kind of heartless son of a bitch who will make you forget his shortcomings for a long time, and then boom, he'll suddenly drop the hammer. I can't deny that I've been excited about the way the starting unit has looked in the preseason ... even though I know my optimism will be fruitless because he's Norv, it doesn't mean I can just turn it off.
And I fucking knew this would happen. I saw it coming. I knew that he'd have Philip Rivers looking fantastic, and that we'd move the ball and score some points, and things would be dandy until some crucial point in the regular season, where everything would go brokedick simply because Norv's on the sideline's being Norv. I swore that I wouldn't be seduced by this meaningless preseason masturbation ... but it happened. I am helpless to it.
Oh, the Norv hire works out great for everyone else ... LaDainian Tomlinson, Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates (consider drafting Vincent Jackson, too) should all have pretty decent fantasy seasons for you. The Chargers will put points on the board and will probably rack up a pretty good regular season record ... but somewhere along the line, Norv will see his opportunity to drag them down, and he will take it.
As for the actual nuts and bolts of the Chargers, and what kinds of changes you can expect ... there's not much, really. Despite an entire coaching staff turnover, the same systems remain in place on offense and on defense. The biggest change in personnel is at outside linebacker, where the Chargers substitute 'roided-out-of-his-mind Shawne Merriman to possibly-clean Shawne Merriman. An obvious and significant downgrade there. Hopefully, someone with a better masking agent has picked up his steroid slack.
Oh, and there are new uniforms. Forgive my bias, but these things are snazzy enough for Prince to wear on stage. The helmets are white, and all our little lightning bolts have a line of powder blue trim inside the dark blue trim. There's an all-new font for the jersey numbers and names, too ... I'm excited about it, and I don't care if that makes me gay.
The Chargers won't go 14-2 again ... the schedule is a little tougher this year, and it looks like the secondary is still going to be a bit of a problem. Something in the 10-6 or 11-5 range is more likely, followed by a Norv-engineered early playoff collapse.
(By the way, I miss you motherfuckers. I miss cursing, too.)
Comments
I miss weekend daddy.
(By the way, I miss you motherfuckers. I miss cursing, too.)
We miss you too, Weekend Daddy. When are you getting paroled again?
We miss you too, MJD. And, obviously, MJD had some pent up phallic references that he finally was able to release. Brokedick, preseason masturbation, etc.
Tremendous opening paragraph. We'll think of you fondly during tomorrow's HJP.
We miss you too, MJD.
Also: no Nate Kaeding? For shame.
The new uniforms are awesome and they do not make you gay for liking them.
Deadspin weekends now are like a string of Mom's boyfriends after divorcing Dad. Some of them are great, some not, but they ain't Dad.
Best opening sentence ever.
I'm excited about it, and I don't care if that makes me ####
Fixed...
Take me with you old Weekend Daddy. New Weekend Daddies smell like whiskey and cheese and they are always patting me on the behind.
Serious question: Is the Sunday Smorgasboard dead, as well?
Nuts & Bolts of the Chargers.
Bolts...Chargers...
Ahh, now I get it.
You really think this Tomlinson fellow will have a decent fantasy season? Perhaps I should have drafted him with my first pick.
(keep up the great work on debriefing, but we miss you too motherfucker)
Imagine, if you will, Lorenzo Neal ... on steroids.
He'll take out the Ikea lead blocking on a off-tackle run.
I'm fucking glad MJD left.
@ArkansasFred: I was too afraid to ask that question.
That is the face of someone who smelled a bad fart.
No Marty, no playoffs.
I sense a weekend daddy fist fight down at the Little League field.
@Suss--: You'd leave too if Mottram drove a dumptruck full of money in front of your house.
+1000 Schrutebucks.
@Rob Iracane:
Jamie or Chris. Because Jamie is dreamy.
MJD - we want the Smorgasbord in some fashion again this year.
Motherfucker.
Hell I'd leave just for the dumptruck. Those things can plow through anything.
@Suss--: you should hold out for a stair car.
@ArkansasFred:
I didn't see you say that too, but I'm glad someone's on bord with me.
(intentional spelling mistake)
A review by a man who knows his fate before the season even starts.
MJD, we miss you too -- hope the Smorgasboard returns this season.
As for NORV!, I couldn't be happier that he's coaching the Chargers. It means the Broncos will win the division.
Am I the only one who doesn't understand why Wade Phillips and Norv Turner still have head coaching jobs in the NFL?
I take issue with only one thing in this preview: Norm IS a proven champ, it's only that he does it as an offensive coordinator. The fact he's done it multiple times (in Dallas and Pittsburgh) further blows my mind as to why he can't find success as a head coach, but hell, maybe that changes this year.
That I actually tan for once.
@The Man with No Name: I have a hunch that coaches and GMs recommend retreads like NORV! and the fattie with the hottie daughter (Wade) because they know they can beat them.
@Signal to Noise: Hate to say it but I think you're right. How about you guys take back Plummer?
Hey Rob, I think my fantasy team is going to do well since I got LT this year. Just thought you'd like to know.
@Signal to Noise: Especially now that that loser Elway is gone.
@Jake Fratelli: I had him last year and he was pre....hey, wait a minute!
@Phony Gwynn: Amen brother.
@BigTenObsession: they're both dreamy.
What exactly is "norv" short for, anyway?
@parker91: watch out for hop-ons.
New weekend daddy makes me wait in the car with the windows up when he goes to the porn shop then forgets to get me my coppy of "Juggs".
@Dread:
His teams season is over by NORVember.
/lame
@CliffX: When was Norv the Steelers offensive coordinator? I must have missed his face in the booth for the Super Bowl run in 2005.
@HIV 2 Elway: admittedly, I kind of miss Jake the Pornstache as a person (as an interception machine, not so much).
@Phony Gwynn: A choker every time but for two years. Fuck that dude.
/sarcasm
I know the Broncos haven't done jack at times without him, but it's process of elimination. If Shanahan can't outcoach NORV!, Herm, and Coach Lunch Money, he shouldn't be coaching.
@Dread: Norverina.
NORVBY!
@Peter Cavan: You might have missed his face, but adult acne, pop rocks at point blank range, and speeding face-bound pineapples haven't.
hey-O yes, I said it, he's an ugly man!
/fridaysbeforevacationsarethelongestdaysever
@Signal to Noise: I miss the interception machine.
Good point though on the coaching situation. Hate having to admit it but Herm is a joke, its not too late to bring in Marty and for the Chiefs to make some serious noise.
@Dread:
OK, I just looked it up and it's actually Norval.
This explains soooo much.
Norval Eugene Turner. No, really.
@WahooMcDaniel: I wish I could remember who it was (I think an old college drinking buddy) that once said of Norv, "he looks like his parents fed him rock candy with a slingshot as a kid".
@WahooMcDaniel: Longest day ever? Any Friday NASDAQ rally coupled with rate cut suggestive talk out of Bernanke makes the day fly.
Smorgasboard!! Smorgasboard!! Smorgasboard!!
(Better do it taintsucker)