Yes, the ad wizards at Jerry Jones Heavy Manufacturing Concern, LLC, decided that their eleventy-billion dollar show palace, $14 hamburgers, live sex shows (NSFW), cheerleaders, and "Party Passes" (oh, and an NFL game) would not be enough to entertain the 80,000 people who bothered to show up for the 'Boys latest December nightmare. So at the start of the second half against the Chargers, they turned the 160' by 90' superstructure over midfield into a 3-D movie theater so that fans in attendance could experience the wonder of football with length, width and depth! It's like you're actually there!

Now stop and think about this for a second, since no one who works for the organization apparently did. In order to see 3-D images on a television, you need to wear special glasses—glasses that impair your vision of the real, physical world around you. This means that the Cowboys were literally asking fans to ignore the actual live football game taking place before their very eyes, so that they could watch it on television instead. For $300 a ticket. Because that would be more "realistic." The effect certainly is mind boggling.

Since many fans chose not to put on (or couldn't figure out?) the stupid glasses, the video replay board became a blurry red and blue mess to their eyes. According to reports, the loudest cheer of the day came when they finally shut it off halfway through the third quarter.

Of course, the dirty secret of JerryWorld's massive video board is that it so overshadows the playing field that most fans end up staring at it anyway, rather than the flesh-and-blood players on the field in front of them. (Granted, some don't have any choice.) I'm sure that thought will comfort DeMarcus Ware when he wakes up from his coma.

It's hard to see what Dallas Cowboys saw in 3D call [Dallas Morning News]
3D experiment falls flat at Cowboys Stadium [PFT]
Cowboys Stadium 3D scoreboard experiment doesn't go so well, turned off in less than seven minutes [Second image via Engadget]
"3-D" a "3-Dud" at Cowboys Stadium [WPMT]

I am not one to wax nostalgic- I think Lady GaGa should be on the five dollar bill and we should grind the bones of dinosaurs into a fine dust because, well...we run this place now dinolizards, but the old NFL on CBS intro is simply fantastic. It communicates the power of the NFL, but it doesn't need to force feed us that NFL as ultra-macho gladiator combat nonsense (see current CBS, FOX and NBC themes).

Take a listen and leave some forgotten gems in the comments:

What are some of the signs that you won't be defending your Super Bowl title when January arrives? Putting up six points against the Browns is a good one. Holding Brady Quinn to his usual 48.1 quarterback rating, and still losing by a touchdown is another. Eight sacks? Five straight losses? I think you're starting to see the pattern here. The Steelers are sunk. (And no, this doesn't save your season, Cleveland.)

The reasons aren't really important anymore—Troy Polamalu doesn't pass block too, does he?—but last night's embarrassing loss to the Browns pretty much closes the door on their drive for whatever number ring they are up to now. So call your broker and start channeling your snow shoveling futures into Penguins tickets. They still haven't folded right?

Honorable mention: The Celtics. Who let the old guys in here?

Penbrook is cracking down on one couple's 2x8 Steelers banner. It's hung on their porch and reads "You're In Steelers Country," despite Penbrook being firmly in Ravens country. But the town isn't going after the inaccuracy, but rather the size.

[N]on-commercial messages — either political, religious or personal, are limited to 16 square feet, permitted only for brief time periods and allowed only if they "advertise political parties or candidates for election," "nonprofit, charitable and similar events," or qualify as "holiday decorations."

The Myers family was offered three choices: only hang the sign on game days, pay $40 for a permit, or face fines for every day the banner remains up. They chose option D: sue. They went to the ACLU, who sent a letter threatening a free-speech claim within days if Penbrook doesn't lay off the Myerses.

I wonder why they can't show their Steeler fandom in the traditional ways: drinking crappy beer, thinking Channel 11 News is real journalism, and not remembering anyone other than Terry Bradshaw from the '70s teams.

UPDATE: Penbrook backed down today. Another victory for Sevensburgh.

Penbrook Residents Face Ultimatum Over Steelers Sign [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Borough Backs Down On Attempt To Remove Steelers Banner [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

The Cowboys lost to the Giants last weekend, and now stand at 8-4 in the NFC East, tied for 1st with Philly, and only one game ahead of New York (who hold any playoff tiebreaker over Dallas because they swept both games against them). That was the Cowboys' same record after 13 weeks LAST year, when they summarily went into the shitter. Here are the final four opponents for Dallas: SD, @NO, @WAS, PHI. They're going to lose three of those games, if not more. How marvelous.

Obviously, Cowboys fans don't deserve your pity. Cowboys fans deserve to have their dicks punched inside out, and then filled with hot tar. HOORAY FOR TARPUSSY. Cowboys fans lead the league in calling in to sports talk radio stations in other cities and assessing other teams for no reason at all. And they'll only reveal that fact after being on the air for three minutes ("Actually guys, I'm not even a Broncos fan. I'm a longtime Cowboys fan. But lemme tell you what I see wrong with Denver…"). Cowboys fans also lead the league in being tandem bandwagon fans of the LA Lakers. I swear, there are forty million Cowboys/Lakers fans out there. "Longtime Cowboys and Lakers fan here, Bob. Most definitely!" Tarpussy them all, I say.

All that said, the Cowboys have obviously fallen into a pattern of collapsing every December. No doubt, your team, at some point, has also experienced a similar kind of year. You start off hot, you get your hopes up, and then it all falls to pieces. Even the Steelers have lost four in a row now. We're at the time of year where teams begin failing and fans of the 31 teams who do NOT end up winning the Super Bowl are left to deal with the emotional fallout of seeing their team, once again, come up short. Chargers fans. Eagles fans. Vikings fans. All of you are well aware of what lies ahead. I know I am. Despair springs eternal.

There's a process to dealing with these kinds of crushing defeats. It's a process all of us go through. It's like grieving over the death of a loved one, only much more devastating. The traditional five stage of grief are as follows:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

This model doesn't work for dealing football grief. For one thing, there is NEVER acceptance. As a fan, you can't simply accept losing. That would make you a total pussy. Here are the adjusted five stages of grief as it pertains to horrible football defeats.

1. ANGER.
FUCK! God fucking dammit! I WILL CLIMB TO THE TOP OF A CLOCK TOWER AND BEGIN SHOOTING PEOPLE WITH A FUCKING CROSSBOW. Shit! Fuck! Ass! Cock!

(cry angry tears)

THESE ARE TEARS OF ANGER!

(throws remote against wall)

(sees remote is broken)

FUCK!

(sees wife walk in, perplexed as to why you threw the remote against the wall and broke it)

DON'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO ME RIGHT NOW, WOMAN. I'LL FUCKING REPLACE IT.

Okay, I'm sorry I called you, "woman." Wait, where are you going? Can't we just talk about this?

2. DENIAL
We gave it to them! WE FUCKING GAVE IT TO THEM! They did not deserve to win that game! They did not win it. We LOST it. They got lucky! Statistically, we were CLEARLY the better team. THE REFS WERE FUCKING BIASED. Roger Goodell and the league office wanted the other team to prevail to help goose ratings and/or prop up an ailing TV market. That was not a legitimate win! If we make that field goal, we win. If player X doesn't get hurt, we win. If we aren't called for holding 37 times, we win. If something that did happen that obviously should not have happened does not happen, we win. In any other alternate universe, WE ARE RIGHTFUL CHAMPIONS.

(NOTE: Fans of the 2007 Patriots are still on this stage.)

3. IDLE DEMANDS
THAT'S FUCKING IT! I've had enough of everyone involved with playing for this team, coaching it, owning it, coordinating air and ground transport for it. I want them ALL fired. All of them. Every last one. I don't care that replacing an entire roster and coaching staff is a painstaking and inexact process that could do more harm than good. SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE THE FUCKING FALL FOR THIS SHIT! Or else I am DONE with this team. D-O-N-E. Forever. Completely done. No longer a fan. I SWEAR I'LL FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THIS.

(calls talk radio station and repeats demands)

(goes on team message board, reiterates demands)

4. QUESTIONING
Why? Why, God? Why must you allow something like this to happen? I've been good to you. I wash my hands on occasion. I only masturbated in front of the babysitter twice, which was downright restrained given her incredible rack. Why must you do this? DO YOU EVEN EXIST?

5. INDIFFERENCE
Fuck it, what else is on?

If you're a veteran of this process as I am, you can go from Step 1 directly to Step 5. And in only just a few short minutes. The Vikings? Pfft. Fuck them. They're toast. Bastards.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Bengals at Vikings: Last week, I said this was the best Vikings team since 1998, and that Brett Favre was playing exceptionally well. The Vikings then proceed to lose to Arizona, see their QB suffer a mysterious hand injury that is surely worse than it appears (I'm convinced it's broken in 37 different places and he refuses to have it x-rayed), see both starting tackles exit the game at various points due to injury, and lose their starting middle linebacker to a shattered thighbone. Oops.

One piece of decent news for the Vikings: Last Sunday night, NBC showed a graphic that said Brad Childress is more successful challenging calls than the league average. I would never have guessed that.

As for the Bengals, during last week's win against the Lions, the clock graphic on FOX was all weird. It looked like they had to integrate footage of the actual stadium clock into the banner graphic at the top for some reason. I don't know if this was explained or not during the telecast because I only watched snippets of the game on Red Zone Channel, but I was transfixed on it. There are times when I zone out and stare at the graphic or the ticker on the bottom of the screen for minutes at a time instead of looking at the thing I'm supposed to be looking at. Even if I've already read the entire contents of the BottomLine, I'll just keep reading it, like a moron. During the Texas-Nebraska game last week, I read the item about Bob Stoops denying an interest in Notre Dame 40,000 times.

Broncos at Colts: Jim Sorgi is out for the year, which means the Colts have only rookie Curtis Painter to play QB behind Peyton Manning as this team starts playing out the string. I'll miss Sorgi, who lent an unmistakable preseason feel to any late-season game he ever played in. Also, his name makes me think of a sorghum orgy. Tell me this plant doesn't look ready to stick it to a bitch.

Chargers at Cowboys: I've had to take a lot of Vicodin lately due to back pain. And one of the pluses to taking Vicodin, apart from the fact that you're taking Vicodin, is that it makes your dreams AWESOME. Hugely cinematic. It's like all my dreams are directed by Paul Greengrass. They have a plot. They have characters (people I've never even met, OR HAVE I?). They have a story arc. I never wake up right in the middle of them. I always wake up when they've come to a fitting and logical conclusion. I may never see an actual movie again. Vicodin dreams are a movie lover's delight, and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Eagles at Giants: Behold the awesome power of Leonard fucking Weaver. Not only can this man destroy everything in his path, he has MATCHING FOREARM FLAME TATS.

Look at that. You could put Satan's throne between those pipes.

Andy Reid signed a three-year extension this week. I asked resident Eagles fan Daulerio for a reaction:

"/lazily tosses challenge flag."

Four Throwgasms

Saints at Falcons: The Michael Vick lovefest in Atlanta last week was retarded. You want Vick? Really, Atlanta? After he killed dogs? And lied? And blamed his shitty accuracy problems on Roddy White? And ran Jim Mora out of town in favor of Bobby Petrino? All while you have a perfectly good young passer? Michael Vick is the black Welker.

Dolphins at Jaguars: Speaking of racy race racial race talk, all of you need to begin following Jason Whitlock on Twitter immediately. If you think Big Sexy is 400 loving pounds of nutty in his Fox columns, it's nothing compared to his unfiltered musings.

any married man who travels 4 his job shud not b allowed to publicly comment on Tiger. It's a dishonest performance 2 keep peace @home

U have 2 do more than read Tweets. U have 2 attempt 2 comprehend them. Never said all men or all men who travel cheat. Didn't imply it

Of course you didn't Jason. All you said was that men who travel for work have no right to criticize Tiger in public because they're HYPOCRITES WHO CHEAT ON THEIR LADIES. You see how that makes sense? Say Jason, what do you think of Rick Reilly?

R u kidding me with this personal advice Reilly is giving Tiger on ESPN? Fire this idiot! This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen

Watch Reilly 4 yourself and tell me what you think. I'm gassing up the hooptie, getting my ski mask and loading the AK

Can't argue with his "gun down Rick Reilly" policy. I'd rather floss an alligator than be Rick Reilly right now!

Three Throwgasms

Cardinals at 49ers: Leitch is right. Anquan Boldin is a terrifying human being. Every time they cut to him, he looks like someone just raped his sister and he's out looking for the perpetrator. The man is PISSED. I know he wants a new contract, so I'm in awe of his ability to remain pissed about that fact for the entirety of an NFL regular season. Hell, he's been pissed since LAST season. He's like the Juggernaut of anger.

Also, '99 Warner showed up last Sunday Night. '99 Warner is also utterly terrifying. You never know when '99 Warner will show up, but when he does, he will RUIN YOUR SHIT.

Panthers at Patriots: It's time for me to point out, once again, that the college football regular season is now over, and the NFL has once again refused to air afternoon games on Saturdays in December, as they regularly did up until a few years ago. Oh, they'll give you Saturday Night Football. And Thursday Night Football. But God forbid they give you something to do during the day on Saturdays. Hey Goodell, GO FUCK YOURSELF. Get a pairs of pliers, stretch out your tiny ginger dick, and stuff the tip of it up your asshole. Give me my Saturday afternoon NFL football back.

And FUCK YOU, to whatever shithead from Alabama runs college football. For the millionth year in a row, your retarded excuse for a legitimate sport takes a month off for no fucking reason at all. Oh, but our regular season is the most meaningful in the world! Well, that's lovely. But your gay postseason means JACK SHIT. Way to go. Way to prove yourself vastly inferior to the NFL on an annual basis. Fuck you with a pine cone.

Two Throwgasms

Redskins at Raiders: The Redskins wore burgundy jerseys at home last week, which they almost never do. Both the Cowboys and the Redskins usually wear white at home, which means they essentially wear white jerseys all year round, except when they play in each other's respective stadiums. This is gay. What makes those teams so special that they get to buck the rules of solids and whites? FUCK YOU, SNYDER AND THE SKINS. You look better in burgundy jerseys. Rock them more often.

Also, I find it extremely disheartening that the Skins are playing such inspired football at the end of this season. This was to be a glorious year of complete team combustion and fan revolt. Jim Zorn was supposed to be fired in Week 6. Pepper Rodgers was supposed to be brought in as head coach by Week 10, causing people to burn shit in the stands. It was going to be a wonderful 16 weeks of chaos here in DC, I tell you. But nooooo. No, the team had to go out and play really hard, making people think that maybe things aren't all that bad. What a rip. You let me down, Redskins. You let me down big time. I hate it when shitty teams have that dead cat bounce at the end of the year, where they refuse to fully deteriorate.

Packers at Bears: I'm too lazy to go back and check, but I'm almost certain that most of the throwgasm ratings you see in these posts every week turn out to be horribly wrong. The best games of last week were Raiders-Steelers and Redskins-Saints, both of which were given one throwgasm by me. Way to help people assess their viewing options, me. YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

Seahawks at Texans: Steve Slaton is done for the year. Good. I hope he dies.

One Throwgasm

Steelers at Browns: This is tonight's game. I'm quite sure you will not be sad to miss it.

Lions at Ravens
Bills at Chiefs
Jets at Bucs
Rams at Titans

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"A Touch Of Evil," by Judas Priest. It appears Sony has collaborated with YouTube to create a venture called VeVo, where you can watch their music videos online. All the videos are now prefaced with a :15 second ad. And that's how my Judas Priest video ended up having a special invitation to an Alicia Keys concert stuck in front of it. Because those two fanbases are so very much alike.

Embarassing Song I Once Liked That Will Not Fire You Up

"Right on Track," by the Breakfast Club. This band named itself before the movie of the same title came along, and Madonna was once of a member of the band briefly because she was the girlfriend of Dan Gilroy, the lead singer and guitarist. You would think the band would kick themselves for letting Madonna go, but I have a sneaking suspicion no one in that group regrets a single thing about never having to work with that crazy dragon lady ever again.

I like that the band is actually eating breakfast in this video, true to their name. And look! The drummer is drumming on tires! And the keyboardist has fake hands! Why? Who fucking cares? It's the 80's, and everyone was doing way too much cocaine to give a shit.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Are you a minor league baseball player who finds the urinary habits of your Latino teammates repulsive? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Reader AJ (not Daulerio) demands I nominate John Carney.

The kicker position on a fantasy roster is intended to be the one spot that requires no thought. The only times kickers should concern you as an owner is the last round of your draft and the bye week. Unless you have John Fucking Carney who somehow manages to get benched in week 13 for presumably being a fossil. I don't get it, the guy has been putting up good numbers all year then loses his job on game day after I had already filled out my roster. Meanwhile some asshole named Garrett Hartley kicks 4 FGs and 3 XPs. Fuck him and fuck John Carney. He can shove his AARP card up his ass and I hope he chokes to death on an early bird special.

Also, anytime John Carney is featured on highlights, Berman does a fucking Ed Norton from "The Honeymooners" impression. Every time. Because that never gets old, not even half a century after the show originally aired. I'm shocked Berman never busted out a conga drum during Ricardo Colclough highlights.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of Denver was correct, making our suggestions for your pool 10-3 on the year. Sorry about the three wrong ones. That puts the Broncos, Bengals, Steelers, Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? New England, and the return of the Lexus holiday ads. Yes, they're back. Here to torture you and the writing staff of the Onion's AV Club, as they have for years and years now. Featuring impossibly rich people who have no problem spending $50,000 on a luxury car for a gift. Not only can they afford the car, they can also afford the custom-made bow that's affixed to the top. They also have beautiful homes with very large cul de sac driveways. And look! Little Johnny is trying to drive the Lexus! That's so sweet! Every December, I pray to Jesus that a neutron bomb drops on the home of every Lexus owner, and every year Christ lets me down.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I LOVE the Chargers getting 3 points against Dallas on the road. Hey, it's nearly Christmas. Time to bust out the Jew nog."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-7. The shark is ice cold.

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was Dave B. Here's his free rant space:

Al Groh was fired as the Virginia head coach after nine seasons. (And, unfortunately for me, I'm also a Jets fan. So that means I got a cool decade of suffering through Groh's mediocrity.)

After his last game Groh had the audacity to stoically read a poem, the "Guy in the Glass". It has little to nothing to do with Groh's situation and was remarkably self indulgent.

I'm sorry that Groh couldn't get his dream job to work out. But he never owned up to his own shortcomings. Even in the comments from this game, he started talking about a lack of talent at Virginia being the problem as if he were dealt a bad hand or something. He had nine years to establish the program. He had nine years to build up a recruiting regime. He had tons of chances to build a staff of capable assistants. He had opportunities to win big games. He failed at everything and I don't think I've ever heard him shoulder one bit of responsibility for what's happened.

The poem he read was a bunch of crap.

Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Erik chimes in with this poop prank idea:

I used to live near a city golf course in Minneapolis. One night, as my high school friends and I were driving around killing time I felt a large chalupa dump building in my bowels. We were passing the golf course and immediately after stating I needed to go to Dairy Queen to drop a deuce a better idea emerged. Take a dump in a golf hole. Brilliant? I say yes.

I concur. Here's Sports Pun with a story he calls "Brown Down's":

In middle school, we had this kid with Down's Syndrome who had a habit of sittin' on the toilet with the stall door wide open. It was always jarring at first, but being polite little Maine kids we got used to it/ignored it. He seemed to be havin' a ball, so why rain on his slow parade?

One day, 6th grade me saunters into the bathroom, averts his eyes and sits down in the stall next to my buddy, door wide-open as always. He stands up and I assume he's buttoning up his slacks, 'cause he's in there for a while. I don't hear a flush (he'd forget sometimes) and he makes his way to the sink. I finish up my business, wipe (SITTING DOWN!) and flush properly and take the sink next to his.

One thing I hadn't noticed up until that point was that he was standing in front of the sink with no water running. I happen to glance off to my left and am frozen in stone like a Medusa victim. My man has two heaping, steaming handfuls of his own poop; and he's squeezin' and sculpting like a Play-Doh pro.

Needless to say, I skip the drying process and make a bee-line for the door and head back to class; white-faced, as if I just witnessed a horrible rape. In a way I did: the rape of my childhood.

I told no one, best to just leave it be. But apparently another kid went in there after me and snitched to the proper authorities and he had to have a teacher in there with him every time he went from then on. The young man couldn't be trusted with his own poop!

Give that little retarded kid the brown medal.

And what the hell, here's another poop story from Joe Slice:

Last Friday my girlfriend had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic she was taking. She started to break out in a rash and she was having some chest pain so we decide to head to urgent care. We make are way inside, check in, and are moved to an area with multiple beds, each individually separated by the curtain hung from the ceiling. The nurse closes the curtain and we settle in and begin to listen to the other patients as we wait for the doctor to arrive.

About 15 minutes after we sit down, our next curtain neighbor calls the nurse over and begins to complain about stomach pain. From the sound of her voice, our neighbor is approximately 65 years old, by herself, and generally unhappy. The nurse comes over and checks on her and asks if she wants a bed pan. "Jesus woman, I want a toilet," she declines. The nurse obliges and brings her the porta-a-loo. We can hear her try to climb out of her bed, yelling at the nurse for coughing on her (not true) and as she tries to get onto the toilet she tells the nurse she is about to go. At this point, the doctor and nurse are both with her and doctor mentions to the nurse that this poor woman was given two glasses of prune juice and a heavy duty laxative a few hours ago and has an "obstruction" in her colon which is causing blockage and she hasn't done the deed in over a week.

At this point, the two of us can only brace for impact, knowing what is about to come next. The glop glop glop noise of repressed poop makes its way to our ears about 3 seconds before we are knocked backward by the smell of what only can come out of a 65 year old woman living on creamed corn and beef hash. We try our best to not draw any attention to ourselves but the smell is beyond overpowering. I'm now gagging. Somehow, we survived the initial onslaught but the stench lingered in the air until we were leaving two hours later.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
John Fox*
Gary Kubiak*
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Lovie Smith*

(* - midseason firing potential)

I think this may be a disappointing turnout for the firing line by year's end. I could see everyone but Smith, Kubiak, and Mangini staying on. Even Zorn has improved his prospects a little. So disappointing. It's a much nicer holiday season when coaches get fired by the dozen.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Glazed nuts! Listen, you take any nut, roast it, and the shellack it with a buttery, sugary shell that's at least 5mm thick, you have yourself a superior holiday snack. My wife bought some ginger orange glazed almond thingies the other day. I could have eaten seven bags in the span of three minutes.

In New York, they have nut stands where they continually roast almonds and pecans and shit all day long. You walk by those things and it takes the strength of Larry Allen not to buy a bag of ten nuts for $5. Damn you, good smelling Manhattan nut vendors.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Wildcat! Reader HabsFan29 submits this Canadian specialty:

Wildcat is brewed by a major brewery (Labatt) and is known for two things - being cheap and causing massive hangovers. Now there's an endorsement. It's sold at the cheapest price allowed by law in Canada (yes, we have laws for everything up here, like which doctors you can see under our Communist healthcare system and how much weed you can grow before you get busted). It came out while I was at university (Ed. Note: You can get away with talking this way when you're from Canada.) and a buddy who always drank it would claim that saying "Wiiildcaaat" in a deep voice after every chug and subsequent belch would help you avoid the hangover. It didn't work.

Of course it didn't. Look at that label. It's got mountains AND a mountain lion on it. Now that's some cheap ass shit!

On a related note, I'd like to thank all of you readers who have helped revive this section of the Jamboroo. Once I ran out of cheap beers to profile, I had to switch to profiling regular, GOOD beers. And that's no fun at all. You people have revived my faith that there is an endless supply of horrible, shady, ass-tasting brand beers out there. WITH MOUNTAINS ON THE CAN. ALWAYS. It's been the greatest holiday treat of all.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is, once again, a TIE between Drew Brees of the Saints and Peyton Manning of the Colts! You know, I've been seeing a lot of ads for this fancy new Avatar movie lately. It's got all kinds of blue aliens and 3D effects. Expensive? You bet! But as good as the way I used to make movies when I was head of Paramount? NO WAY, JOSE! You don't need special effects when you've got REAL stars, baby! You want a special effect? Try Liz Taylor's ass way back when! You talk about taking an audience's breath away! That ass could have slayed a thousand dragons! AND EVANS GOT A PIECE OF IT BEFORE THE FRUIT WENT BAD!"

BONUS Robert Evans Story!
Reader Vince M. unearthed an old Evans chestnut this week. He writes in:

I was reading an old interview with Sly Stallone (from AICN) and immediately thought of you when I read it.

So I began dating another woman at that time (who shall remain nameless) and slowly I was feeling better about myself. One afternoon I was invited to Robert Evans' house to discuss doing the movie. I was completely on board until he said, "I might have something that'll interest you." Whereupon he returned with a duffle bag full of X-rated Polaroids. He dumped this mess on the coffee table and burrowing through all these poor actresses that thought they were going to eventually amount to something, he came across a very X-rated Polaroid of the girl I was dating and said, "Hey, look, we have something in common." I thought blood was going to come out my eyes and felt such loathing at that moment. What was the man thinking? Is this his idea of bonding, by showing me a salacious image of the girl I thought was beyond anything so perverse? Guess not. Without a word, I exited his house and his life."

Salacious? You bet! Name dropping? As all hell!

Well played, Vince. Very well played.

Sunday Afternoon DVD Box Set Of The Week For Browns Fans
Father Ted! Only the greatest television show in the history of everything ever. Three drunken priests who hate being priests? That's my kind of show. FECK! ARSE! DRINK! GIRLS!

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing, he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before."

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Country music superstar Carrie Underwood. Around these parts, my penis is known as the original American Idol. Hey-O!!!!
-For the gals: Hunky wolfboy Tyler Lautner. Looks like a brown Jimmy Clausen.

Enjoy the games, everyone.

Hanson, the former defensive assistant, is now in the personnel department, i.e. somewhere he won't cross paths with Tom Cable. Even though no charges were filed against Cable, this is probably good for everyone's working environment. But what would possess a man to return to a team where he was told, quite emphatically with fists, that his input wasn't particularly valued?

Here are some variables.

A) Hanson still wants to work for the Raiders.
B) Hanson doesn't want to work for the Raiders.
C) He still holds a grudge.
D) He no longer holds a grudge.
E) The Raiders want him aboard.
F) The Raiders don't want him aboard.

The company line is A, D and E; everybody happy! This is unlikely.

More likely is B, C and F: he doesn't want to be there, but who can turn down a job in this economy? And Oakland heads off any potential lawsuits by keeping him in the fold.

Also possible is A, D and F; he stonewalled the cops during their investigation to keep his job, and Oakland can't very well fire someone who kept their head coach from being arrested.

Or B, D and F; he doesn't want to be there, but he's under contract and the Raiders don't want someone who knows their defensive schemes signing on elsewhere.

These choices don't preclude Hanson owning embarrassing photos of JaMarcus Russell in bed with a three-foot party sub, or the like. But this is akin to Rihanna continuing to profess her love for Chris Brown — oh.

Cable Confirms It [SF Chronicle]

Nearly every page on NFL.com can be commented on by those who have an account and that generates tens of thousands of comments every day, many of which have nothing to do with football. The top of the website's "Fans" page (presented by Sprint!) is anchored by a special scrolling box which pulls the "best" of those comments out of the haystack, giving them prominent placement in a constantly updated rotation of the common man's take on the world. It seems apparent that this process is done automatically, possibly by robots, because if a human was actually reading this garbage on a daily basis they would likely have burned down the league's internet host before blinding themselves with an ice pick.

In a short time watching the page—briefly during the Sunday night game and again this morning—the comment scroll has displayed swearing, insults directed at players and other commenters, racist and gay slurs, spam, atrocious grammar and spelling, and more poorly reasoned arguments than a freshman philosophy seminar. Some of these featured comments are nothing more than a punctuation mark or a string of nonsensical letters. It makes a typical Twitter conversation seem like a graduate seminar in linguistics. Either quality control is completely non-existent or NFL.com is so committed to raw, unfiltered commentary from every day yokels that they refuse to edit the hive mind.

I emailed NFL.com for a explanation of the process used to select or edit the comments (if there is one) and here is their response:

"You are right. Those comments are a random sample from across the site. NFL.com editors do review after posted and monitor as much as possible to make sure the comments are appropriate. As you note, they do not catch every single comment. 100k comments alone yesterday.

In terms of the comments being unintelligible, this is really just meant to show activity. If the user wants the full context, they would click through to get the entire comment and the context.

Also, they do moderate comments within the forums, and in the short time since my email was sent, someone might have started paying attention. Comments on the front page usually scroll by more than once and can be viewed again by clicking a back button, but a recent missive that had something to do with Vagisil and the Dolphins disappeared before I could finish reading it and could not be retrieved ... only to be replaced by one reader calling "feelthebrees10 a fuck*** quier" (Don't ask me why the writer censored the "ing," but not the "fuck." I wasn't on the debate team.)

Here's a compilation of some of the other gems I captured. It's a fascinating look into the internet's dark heart of inanity.

Apology accepted.
Reader Justin M. first alerted us to the freewheeling nature of NFL.com after spotting this tribute to (I think) Jason Campbell's fourth-quarter INT against the Saints. It's insightful, because it's racist!
Well said.
What? No penis pills?
I told you to just call him G-Train.
I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
Text your mother with that mouth?
Zibg!
O M F G UR A 12-YEAR-OLD GURL!
Tell me about it.
How about that, indeed.
?!
Rah? Ram? Rat? Oh, I can get this! It's a riddle, right?
Finally! A sensible voice emerges.
Oh, I love that song Carma Roids!
It's pronounced "doosh."
I just had to include the comment from the guy who thinks the coach who just won a Super Bowl is ruining the franchise. This is why the fans need a voice!
Uhhh ... I think maybe we should actually find this guy. Does anyone know a good hostage negotiator in Panama?

•Saints 33, Redskins 30. Ho. Lee. Shit. This was the definition of a trap game for New Orleans. Tied at the half, Washington took a 10 point lead into the fourth. The Saints closed it to seven, then Shaun Suisham shanked a 23-yarder. Drew Brees hit Robert Meachem for a 53-yard bomb, and Jason Campbell turned back into Jason Campbell, getting picked by Jonathan Vilma in the middle of a potential career-defining drive. John Carney watched from the sidelines as his replacement Garrett Hartley came up short on a 58-yarder as time expired. This one's in overtime.

A very controversial booth review rules a Redskins fumble, and the Saints promptly boot the gamewinner. NO stays undefeated, but there's a category 5 shitstorm incoming.

•Dolphins 22, Patriots 21. The AFC East looks like a complete crapshoot after the Patriots lose their second in a row for the first time since 2006. Would you believe the goat is Tom Brady, after getting intercepted in the end zone, and again on a last-minute drive? Chad Henne's ballsack grew three sizes this day, throwing for 335 yards and completing countless crucial third downs.

•Raiders 27, Steelers 24. And just like that, Pittsburgh is a .500 team. A defensive battle broke wide open in the fourth quarter, with five straight drives going for touchdowns. Most importantly, Bruce Gradkowski took Oakland 88 yards in 1:47, finding Louis Murphy in the end zone with 9 seconds left.

•Colts 27, Titans 17. One of these winning streaks had to come to an end, and it wasn't Peyton Manning's. Tennessee won the yards and time of possession battles, but never seemed to get going. Chris Johnson had 113 yards, his seventh straight week over 100.

•Eagles 34, Falcons 7. Thanks, local FOX affiliate, for sticking with this one all the way through. Would you believe this was the aforementioned meeting of two winning teams? Michael Vick threw a touchdown and ran for another, and the Falcons scored as time expired to avoid their first ever home shutout.

•Jaguars 23, Texans 18. This one wasn't nearly as close as the score. Maurice Jones-Drew was held in check, but David Garrard ran the offense well, finding 9 different receivers. A Matt Schaub injury led to a brief Rex Grossman appearance, and by the time Schaub returned, this game was out of hand.

•Bengals 23, Lions 13. I guess Cedric Benson is healthy. He had 110 yards in his return, and Chad Ochocinco had 137 in the air. The Lions, always thinking about the future, saw Matthew Stafford re-injure his shoulder in the fourth quarter, after this one was already out of hand.

•Broncos 44, Chiefs 13. Matt Cassel, the $63 million man, took his rightful place on the bench in this one. It didn't help. Denver rushed for 245 yards, more than KC had all day.

•Bears 17, Rams 9. When you're relying on Kyle Boller to lead your gamewinning drive, you have some issues. Jay Cutler didn't do much, but he avoided throwing any picks, and the Bears D kept St. Louis out of the end zone in what was mercifully the fastest game of the day.

•Panthers 16, Buccaneers 6. Just brutal. Josh Freeman threw five interceptions, which must have been weird for Carolina to see from the other side. Jonathan Stewart scored a touchdown on the first drive of the game, and then no one found the end zone again.

Nearly two-thirds of teams that get the ball first end up winning the game. If only there were a way to better your odds of winning that coin toss...

Stanford professor Susan Holmes, who co-authored the paper "Dynamical bias in the coin toss," said it's actually a 51-49 proposition with the side facing up predicting the side that will land up. And it can be even more pronounced a difference than that.

"The bigger the coin," Holmes said in a phone interview, "the more bias there would be."

And wouldn't you know, as the games get more important, the coin gets bigger; the playoffs and Super Bowl use special commemorative coins that increasingly resemble Pogs, pepperoni slices and coasters.

So just take a glance at the coin before the ref flips it, and pick the side you can see*.

An interesting fact I gleaned from this article: when there's no special coin, the ref can use any old change he's got in his pocket, be it penny, gold dollar, or the Panamanian Balboa coin I got as change at the bodega yesterday.

*Advice not practical, as ref will most often have heads facing up. And as we all know, tails never fails.

Come Overtime, Here's A Tip For The Chiefs [KC Star]

David Stern insists with robotic regularity that his ballers are the "best athletes in the world". (Sometimes, when he's feeling particularly saucy, he goes with "most extraordinarily gifted".)

Apparently he's been doing this for awhile:

"Messrs. Jordan, Johnson, Bird, et al., made it clear that the NBA really does have — as Commissioner David Stern so often claims — "the best athletes in the world."

That, in an article about the original Dream Team. Written in 1992. Jesus, at least the man's on message!

In the past few weeks alone, though, several players have gotten this idea implanted a little too deeply in their minds. First Big Baby Davis informed the world that upon reaching NBA All-Star status he would like to return to football, although he did not "have a specific position in mind in the NFL."

Then LeBron James, a All-Ohio wide receiver in his youth, mused that "If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good, no matter what team I was on."

NFL players were skeptical. As Jeremy Shockey made the case on his Twitter :

If anyone was up to the task, I guess, it would be LeBron, modern marvel of mankind. No less an authority than former Cleveland Brown coach Eric Mangini even invited him to "come on down" before undermining that "he'd probably be good at baseball or soccer or swimming." Hmm. Two out of three ain't bad! And he's got this going for him, which is nice:

As for Rondo, this isn't the first time he has demonstrated a high regard for his speed. Last year he needled noted fast person Usain Bolt, informing him that the two would meet in 2012. This time, he set his sights slightly lower: Chris Johnson ran a 4.24 forty at the NFL Combine, the fastest recorded combine time ever.

So does Rondo have a chance to win the $2k purse? Probably not. The Sporting News' Bethlehem Shoals broke down the duel and, using complicated math equations, concluded that Rondo's forty time would clock in at something like a 5.15. That wouldn't even beat LeBron!

But with Johnson's recent counter that he could beat Rondo in a game of one-on-one, this is shaping up to be the most exciting competitive cross-pollination since Shaquille O'Neal challenged luminaries like Misty May-Treanor and Oscar de la Hoya in their native sports.

Stern can't be too happy: so far Shaq is 0-5.

This is Katie Baker, btw.

Manning admitted to the scandalous crime of writing his name on a wall in the visitors' lockeroom, along with the date and the score of the first game ever played at the stadium. Manning says he was asked to do it by a stadium employee—because who does that otherwise?—but Wade Phillips insists that none of his people would ever do that! No, the only explanation is that Eli is a classy, classy jerk.

"Eli is a classy player, a great player," Phillips said. "I really respect him and his family. I don't think he meant anything by it. But it wasn't a great thing for him to do, obviously.

"Things come back around in this league. I respect the teams we play and the players we play. That's the way I approach games, and I expect our players to do the same."

RESPECT! That was not good, Eli! I mean, it's fine for Brandon Jacobs to say he hates the Cowboys like a sickness, but at least he didn't write it down anywhere. Or for Patrick Crayton to compare the Giants to a rabid dog. (Hey, it was a favorable comparison!) However, we can still get some selective quoting of Cowboy linebacker Bradie James to add some fuel to the fire. This comes from an ESPN story about the Manning autograph:

"We won't forget that," said James, a defensive captain who ranted Wednesday about his dislike of the Giants. "It just makes for a more intense game."

Wow, he hates writing! Except that not exactly how he said it....

"Eli signed the inside of the locker room, the wall," James said. "He put the score. They ruined our first game. We won't forget that. It just makes for a more intense game."

So James actually remembers that the Dallas lost to New York and that might be a valid reason to be upset at them? You know, for being such tough guys, football player are awfully sensitive.

Dallas Cowboys not happy about Eli's signature on wall [Fort Worth Star-Telegram]
Writing is on the Cowboys Stadium wall for New York Giants' Manning [Dallas Morning News]
NY Giants' Brandon Jacobs loves to hate Dallas Cowboys [Dallas Morning News]

A fellow named Josh Fitz believes he's found that proof. You'll see, first of all, that Dick Jauron is curiously absent from a photo that makes room for everyone from Ralph Wilson Jr. to the assistant equipment manager to something called Gibran Hamdan. Fitz writes:

1. Xavier Oman (#44) is in the photo. He was waived on 11/11. Jauron wasn't fired until 11/17. This photo couldn't have been taken after his firing.

2. Ralph and Brandon seem to be a little off-center. It seems that the logical place for Dick to be standing is right next to Ralph, where the three would be perfectly centered in the photo.

3. Who is in that spot? Jairus Byrd. And he seems larger than normal. In the photo he looks slightly taller than #29 next to him (Drayton Florence). Except Byrd is listed at 5′ 10″ and Florence is 6′ 0″. See a zoomed-in photo

4. Take a look at #29's right ear. He seems to have some extra pixel's… either that, or Kawika Mitchell has a seriously weird forearm.

Conclusion: The players were digitally shifted over to cover up Jauron's image.

(Emphasis definitely his.)

I don't know. That seems like a lot of work to expunge any trace of a nothingburger like Dick Jauron. Maybe he's just made the sensible decision to stay the hell away from team photos that everyone knows will be obsolete by midseason.

Bills' Former Head Coach Photoshopped Out of Team Photo? [JoshFitz.com, via Two Bills Drive]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Woodspin. Barry will be on in a second.

We've got a lot of shit to cover, so let's hop right in.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Titans at Colts: I was glancing at SportsCenter this week (I don't know anyone anymore who actually sits down and pays attention to SportsCenter while it's on. It's ambient programming at this point, like the Today Show, or John Tesh's music) and saw a segment where Merril Hoge argued with HIMSELF on a split screen. It was called Merril vs. Merril. No lie. It was just like Stephen Colbert's Formidable Opponent segment, only without any sense of irony, and conducted by a retarded person. They even showed Merril giving himself aggravated looks if his other self said something he disagreed with. It's like they replaced Salisbury and Clayton's old testy split screen arguments by throwing up their hands and going, "You know what? Fuck it. Have Hoge do all of it."

Obviously, it makes sense to use Hoge for this segment. I've heard that Hoge has more than enough split personalities to conduct these debates on a regular basis. On certain days, Hoge has been known to turn into Lucinda, a 14-year-old girl who may be a lesbian is too afraid to explore her own feelings about it.

I sympathize with Hoge to a certain extent. He was so intent on proving Vince Young was a bust, then Young proved him wrong, then proved him right, then proved him wrong a second time. It's enough to drive any man crazy, particularly a man who has received 45,872 blows to the head in his lifetime.

Also, if the Titans beat the Colts and pull to 6-6, that would be just about the coolest thing ever. Which is why it probably won't happen. Stupid reality.

Last thing: In the above pic, that is the shirt Vince Young wore in his postgame press conference last week. Goddamn, that is one ugly shirt. Looks like a security guard at Tropicana headquarters.

Four Throwgasms

Vikings at Cardinals: This is the best Vikings team since 1998, which is terrifying. In fact, the similarities between that Vikings team that was favored to go to the Super Bowl and this one are numerous. Both only have one loss (and given the rest of the schedule, it's not unreasonable to assume these 2009 Vikings will also go 15-1). Both have aging QB's who came out of retirement and played flawlessly (Favre and Randall Cunningham). Both have home run threats at running back (Purple Jesus and Robert Smith). Both have Rookie of the Year wideouts (Percy Harvin and Randy Moss). Both have relatively soft schedules. Both have enormous young right tackles (Phil Loadholt and Korey Stringer). Both have shitty head coaches (Denny Green and Brad Childress). Both have Hall of Famers at left guard (Randall McDaniel and Steve Hutchinson). Both have a dominant pass rusher (Jared Allen and John Randle).

I'd argue this 2009 team is even better than the '98 Vikings, particularly along the defensive line, and at cornerback once Antoine Winfield is healthy again. And fucking Prince was in the box last week. Prince never showed up for the 1998 Vikings. Prince is the purple SHIT.

Again, all of this portends nothing but fucking DOOM. It's hard to believe any Vikings team, even one as talented as this outfit, will not find a way to rip out my fucking heart, stick it in a pants press, and squeeze it until it's flat, dead and useless. That's just what the Vikings do. That's who they are. And the fact that the Saints are an even BETTER team in the NFC makes that outcome even easier to envision.

There was a letter in Tuesday's post that demanded I, along with all other Vikings fans, come out and confess my love for Favre now that's he's joined the team and lit everyone up. I'll happily admit I was wrong to hope the Vikings wouldn't sign that wrinkled old cocksucker. He has, indeed, been awesome. Perfect. This is still a winning team without Billy Bob Fuckstain, but not a Super Bowl quality team. He's made an enormous difference, and I'm glad they signed him, and that he makes the receivers better, and that he gives the Vikings an effective two-minute drill, which they've never had before, blah blah blah. That's all great.

But the fact is that fans of the 31 other teams out there would like nothing more than to see Favre's leg get cleaved in two, ending his career on the spot and sending the Vikings straight in to the fucking gutter. I'm well aware of that. So if you ever see me exulting in having Favre as my favorite team's QB before they've even won a playoff game (and frankly, even if they do end up winning it all), you are more than free to slap me on the cock. I don't have to love the guy to be happy he's on my side. It's like Deion's one-year stint with the 49ers in 1995. You love what the guy does for you. Doesn't mean you have to love HIM. I still think Vikings fans who buy #4 jerseys are weird.

Still. Nice job so far, you possum rapist.

Ravens at Packers: The worst thing about Jaws and Gruden on Monday Night Football is that they are consistently one-upping each other in terms of volume. First Gruden says something loudly, then Jaws says something even louder to punctuate what Gruden said, then Gruden comes back screaming at the top of his fucking lungs. Hey assholes, you have microphones pinned to your shirt. They can pick up your voice just fine if you talk like a normal person. Shitheads.

Whenever my mom uses a cell phone, she shouts because she thinks sound has a more difficult time traveling through the air and not via wires. And she doesn't just shout. She really yells her fucking head off. Everyone has to leave the area when she's on a cell phone, otherwise you develop vertigo. Jaws and Gruden have the same effect. Please guys, for the love of God, shut the fuck up for five seconds.

Cowboys at Giants: I was watching "Intervention" the other night, and the lady they profiled was the girl who was a Hollywood extra who got hooked an painkiller called fentanyl, which the DEA claims is 100 times more powerful than morphine (I dunno how the power of a drug can be measured, but whatever). You don't take the drug intravenously. Instead, it's given to you in lollipop form. I shit you not. It's a drug 100 times more powerful than morphine, and it comes in a lollipop. That sounds fucking AWESOME. Before I die, I want a fentanyl Dum Dum. Greatest drug ever? I bet the many prescription medication addicts in our comments section now one that can top it. "It's a thousand times better then heroin, and it's in bacon form."

Three Throwgasms

Patriots at Dolphins: Ricky Williams tossed a pick out of the Wildcat formation last week (at the goal line), and there's something truly agonizing about having a fantasy player that isn't a QB throw a pick and cost you two points. Obviously, this is a cousin of the "seeing your RB fumble at the goal line" pain. It's that eight point swing, where you think you're getting six, and you end up getting fucked in the ass. I get so angry when that happens that I bite into my fist until there's visible bruising. One day, I really will eat my own hand in anger. And what a taste treat that will be. Lotta meat on these paws.

By the way, pick aside, Ricky Williams might just be this year's "injury replacement instant stud," that one player every year who was a late pick and becomes a Top 20 player because the guy in front of him got his knee shredded. I never get those players. Ever. I always get the guy who got injured to make way for the asskicker.

Also, Randy Moss' beard is awesome.

Eagles at Falcons: After Andy Reid opened the Skins game with an onside kick, everyone had the same reaction: "Well, that was retarded." Every commentator made the point that you should only do a surprise onside kick if you know you're playing a superior opponent, not an inferior one. But is that really true? Shouldn't you only try a surprise onside kick if you're BETTER than the other team, because you're more likely to survive if the attempt fails, because you're the superior outfit? Can't better teams afford to take more risks?

Nah, just kidding. Andy Reid is dumber than his kids.

Texans at Jaguars: Whatever else happens during this Tiger Woods shitstorm, I can guarantee you one thing: when the Masters rolls around, Jim Nantz will do everything in his power to whitewash the scandal. He'll go out of his way to note how tough Tiger is in dealing with all the adversity. If Elin shows up the tournament, he'll make sure to note how much she and Tiger support one another. Jim Nantz is less an announcer than he is a PR rep for the PGA. The sun shines out of the asshole of every golfer Nantz has ever met. Tiger Woods could commit fucking war crimes and Nantz wouldn't acknowledge it. Tiger could rape babies. He could be a baby rapist and Nantz would say, "Such mental toughness he has. To deal with everything he's been going through and still dig down deep to make that putt. What grit." Jim Nantz is golf's pissboy.

Oh, and a giant FUCK YOU to Tiger Woods. You want your privacy, dickhead? Then don't fuck other women and sext them 300 times. You tend to lose your right to privacy when you're that big of a fucking idiot. Don't give me that bullshit Sarah Palin "I'm a victim of the gotcha media" bullshit when you decided to step out on your lady even though you have one of the most recognizable faces on Earth.

/would never cheat on my wife
/or my saucy Latina mistress
/unless a woman were to actually proposition me

Two Throwgasms

Saints at Redskins: Of the two undefeated teams, New Orleans has the best chance of running the table because they may still be playing for home field advantage in Week 17 if the Vikings keep winning. The Saints could finish 16-0, and the Vikings could finish 15-1. That's never happened before in a single season. Ever. Holy dogshit.

Jets at Bills: "Steven Seagal: Lawman" premiered last night. And the fucker talked in a Cajun accent even though he's not from Louisiana. He affects accents. I hate people that do that. He's just like Madonna.

One Throwgasm

Bucs at Panthers: Last week on NFL GameDay Final, they showed footage of Raheem Morris on the sidelines, covering his mouth while he was calling plays, as coaches like to do. That's when Deion Sanders shouted out, "MAN, NO ONE WANTS YOUR PLAYS!" I used to hate Deion. No longer.

And look, MATT MOORE IS STARTING! Beware, you crazy gamblers out there.

Rams at Bears: FOX has always been a proud innovator of gay and unnecessary broadcast wrinkles. And this year, we've been subjected to their latest creation: the 7-word recap. Sponsored by Microsoft's Windows 7: It Almost Kinda Works Now! They do this at the end of every broadcast now, and it's so dumb, you wonder why FOX didn't come up with it themselves ages ago. Well, I have a seven-word recap for the seven-word recap, and here it is.

1. YOU
2. PEOPLE
3. CAN
4. KISS
5. MY
6. FUCKING
7. DICK

Chargers at Browns: Carson Palmer got a nasty horse collar tackle from Browns DT Shaun Rogers last week. And when the refs called it, Eric Mangini went absolutely BATSHIT. He was so angry about the call, he went back to refs at the end of the half to bitch them out. It was an odd move, given that Palmer was clearly horse collared (and shaken up on the play). Oh wait, I know what happened. Palmer CHEATED by allowing himself to be grabbed by the collar and slammed down to the ground by Shaun Rogers. IT'S A CONSPIRACY! EVERYONE'S AFTER YOU, ERIC! DON'T DRINK YOUR COFFEE WITHOUT HIRING A TASTER FIRST!

49ers at Seahawks: Oh, so NOW is when Vernon Davis decides to be the greatest fantasy tight end in the history of the universe. Only after everyone has given him up for dead, like they did DeAngelo Williams before last year. God dammit, players like that piss me off.

Lions at Bengals: I was glancing at Leitch's decade retrospective earlier (I just stared at the very small thumbnails, because I'm too lazy to click through a whole web slideshow. Web slideshows are worse than ass cancer), and I remembered back in 2001, right after 9/11 happened, the DJ's at K-ROCK in New York would play Metallica's "Don't Tread On Me" (which is one of their worst songs ever) with news bites about the attack mixed into the cut. And when the Iraq War started, they played "Wanted Dead Or Alive" with bites from Bush's ultimatum speech also mixed in. I fucking hated this. In fact, it's a perfect IQ test. If you're the type of steakhead who thought this was awesome, I hope you and your Axe body spray fall into a fucking canyon.

Broncos at Chiefs: Someone in the mailbag the other day said night pissing is best when your bathroom has a dimmer switch and you can turn it all the way down. Ever play that game with the dimmer switch, where you keep lowering it and lowering it, seeing just how dim it can get before the light actually goes out? I do that at least six times a week. THIS ROOM IS NONE MORE DIM.

Raiders at Steelers

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Crazy Train," by Ozzy Osbourne. Live off of the "Tribute" double album. AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! There are few perfect songs in the universe. "Crazy Train" is one of them. Since Randy Rhoads died, no one else has dared strap on a polka dotted flying V guitar. That's how bad of a motherfucker Randy Rhoads was. He RETIRED that guitar. And when Angus Young dies, they'll retire the Gibson SG guitar. Only those men get to play those guitars, and that's as it should be. If you're not Angus young and you're playing a Gibson SG, you should be beaten.

Fun fact: In the 1980's, Ozzy Osbourne and Bette Midler had the exact same hairstyle.

Embarassing Video I Once Liked That Will Not Fire You Up

"Funkytown," by Pseudo Echo. Not the original song by Lipps Inc., a band I always mistakenly thought was affiliated with former Steelers wideout Louis Lipps. Please note that the lead singer of this band is Australian, but is clearly wearing a New York Yankees t-shirt. THAT'S PANDERING. Also take note of the jeans tucked into the hightops (not unlike the jeans tucked into boots look that's so hot with the ladies in 2009). And, of course, there's the keytar. Everyone makes fun of the keytar, but you can understand why it was invented. The poor keyboardist has always been treated like the kicker of the band. I bet it was a relief to them that someone invented a keyboard guitar that allowed them to be up in front with the guitarist and bassist. YOU'RE ON THE TEAM NOW. That's much better positioning if you're a keyboardist looking to score better pussy.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Since Tuesday's mailbag, more and more people have come out of the woodwork to tell me that they stand to wipe their asses. Again, it never occurred to me that some people stood while wiping. And it never occurred to THEM that some people sat while wiping. I find this FASCINATING. You could commission a decade-long anthropological study about this. Why do some people wipe standing while others wipe sitting? Is it because of how they were raised? Does race play a factor? So many questions. Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Matt Forte. According to an aggregate of all Yahoo drafts this year, Matt Forte was the fourth highest rated player, getting drafted at an average slot of fifth overall. Here are the top ten players from that list:

-Adrian Peterson
-Michael Turner
-MJD
-Forte
-Brian Westbrook
-DeAngelo Williams
-Larry Fitzgerald
-LaDainian Tomlinson
-Drew Brees
-Steven Jackson

Of those ten, only Brian Westbrook has fewer overall fantasy points, because he's Brian goddamn Westbrook and he's injured for 78 weeks a year. Forte is 23rd among RB's in fantasy points, and he's been healthy all year long. THE FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. Forte is the guy you have to keep in your lineup every week because you drafted him high and there's no one else to put in, and just spends all year long PUTTING IT IN YOUR ASS. You suck, Matt Forte. DIE.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Bengals was correct, making me 9-3 on the year. That puts the Bengals, Steelers, Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Denver, and folding children's laundry. I have no idea what to do with these miniature shirts and pants. THEY'RE A COMPLETE CATASTROPHE.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Vikings giving 4 points against Arizona on the road. Hey, Santa Cruz! Way to make a local resident take down his Nazi flag! Freedom of speech, huh? I think we know who the real Nazis are. I guess this is only a free country, so long as you obey everyone's rules and keep your Nazi flags and collections of Jew ear necklaces to yourself. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK. I WILL BITE YOU."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-6.

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was P. Kuszynski. He did not claim his prize. This week's winner was D. "The Body" Bodamer. Come and git it, Body.

Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Nathan chimes with a poop WHOPOOPEDIT! He calls it, "The Wendy's Shit Bandit":

I went to Wendy's for lunch today and hit the men's room to take a leak prior to getting in line. The urinal was out of order so I headed for the stall. When I opened the stall door I was greeted with one of the most disturbing and amazing sights I've ever seen. The bowl was literally full to the brim with gigantic fucking turds. Logs the size of my forearm. I wondered aloud how any human could muster such massive deposits. I was repulsed and intrigued at the same time. I forgot all about pissing and got in line to order my lunch. When I got up to the counter I informed the manager on duty that the men's room was in dire need of attention due to the approximately 40lbs of shit in the bowl. That's when it got weird.

In a very tired tone, with a haunted look in her eyes, she said, "Goddamnit, he's BACK".

Apparently, about once a month, over the course of the last year or so, someone has been depositing these enormous turds in the Wendy's men's room. She told me they were close to catching the perpetrator and, get this, the guy has been bringing the supernatural logs with him in a plastic grocery bag and dumping them in the bowl. Every time another new deposit is made a soiled grocery bag has been found in the men's room. I don't know whether to be frightened or awed by such deranged behavior. Who is the Wendy's Shit Bandit? Are the turds human or animal? We may never know, but he has my respect.

I find this to be an extraordinary crime. The poopetrator here is clearly a disgruntled former employee or a customer who felt he was treated shabbily. That can be the only explanation. If it's just a random act of poopiness… MY GOD. That would be disturbing and brilliant all at once.

People, between this story and the Last Pickle in the Jar, we may be on the verge of a poop prank revolution. College students of the world, heed my words: that turd you're leaving the bowl is not to be flushed. It is a comedic resource with millions of different uses. Don't waste your poop by disposing of it. Place it in a friend's shoe. Drop it in a fish tank. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. In your hands, poop can be anything.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable*
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
Andy Reid
John Fox*
Jack Del Rio
Tom Coughlin
Gary Kubiak*
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Lovie Smith*

(* - midseason firing potential)

Ah, now that's more like it. A robust ten coaches on the firing line. Tremendous. I think Lovie is the next to go. He won't even notice that they've fired him until a week later. "Wait, what? I was fired! NO WAIT! I DISPUTE THAT!"

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Summer sausage! Oh, summer sausage. So firm. So long. I could take you all in. I don't see why you should only be designated as a seasonal food item. You work perfectly as a winter sausage, spring sausage, and autumnal sausage as well. I could eat summer sausage until I had nitrates coming out of my pores… AND I HAVE.

I love sausage. I could eat it at every meal for the rest of my life and have no complaints. Regular meat is great. Ah, but what if you ground up the grossest cuts of the meat, mixed in some fennel seed, and then stuffed it all in a section of a sheep's digestive tract? MAGIC. Every meat tastes better in sausage form, and I'm at a loss as to why. Is it the trace amount of feces? I think it's the trace amount of feces.

Gametime Cheap Cider Of The Week
White Lightning! Our night editor Barry Petchesky writes:

I've got to nominate White Lightning, a highlight of my London study abroad program a few years back. It's hard cider, sold in supermarkets in 3-liter bottles, for CHEAPER than an equivalent amount of soda. We only found out after we left England that it's the hobos' drink of choice.

Of course it is. Look at that shit. It really does look like stale urine. I also like the 50% MORE FREE on the label. "Hey, it only costs us three cents a barrel to make this in our bathtub. Here's 50% more for free. Fuck it." I love the label. Oh, I'll ride that lightning. Bonus points for having the same name as a cut from "Adrenalize". And, as luck would have it, the song "White Lightning" was dedicated to deceased Def Leppard guitarist Steve Clark, who died from alcoholism. It's romantic, when you think about it.

I also like that the bottle and glass are placed on the floor in this shot. This is a drink meant to be consumed on floors or while lying on concrete. You don't drink this stuff while sitting in a chair. It just isn't done. Way too pretentious.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Drew Brees of the Saints! Prolific? You bet! Great guy? ONLY THE BEST. I don't why know why everyone is jumping all over my good friend Tiger Woods for cheating on his wife. WE'RE ALL TIGERS, BABY. You gotta let us prowl! I remember when I married Ali McGraw, and she asked me, ‘Evans, do you promise to always be faithful to me?' And I said, "McGraw, not a chance in hell. I'll love you forever, sweetheart. Gorgeous? You bet! Feisty? AS ALL HELL. But I'm a man, McGraw. Evans loves to love women, and they love to love him! No, why would I throw all that away just because I'm married to you? Baby, I promise you only one thing: You'll always be the one I nail at the end of every business day!' And she was okay with it! ALI GOT IT. And that's why we were such a great couple. Until she fucked Steve McQueen. What kind of horrible woman cheats on her man? That's not right, baby!"

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Up In The Air. I haven't seen this yet, but I do know that George Clooney plays a guy whose job consists solely of laying people off. I've been laid off four times in my life, including in June, when my ad agency had to lay me off due to the economy (the poop stories, oddly enough, they didn't mind). Every time I've been laid off, I've always felt terrible for the person who had to pull the trigger. You can see in their eyes how much it bothers them. They spend a lot of time prefacing the firing because it's so hard to get the actual words, "you're employment has been terminated" out. I'd rather eat a jar of mayo than lay someone off.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know: how about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but…"

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Favorite of boners around the world Keeley Hazell. (NSFWSC) Tastefully done, but definitely ALL NUDE. That's important. Very important. To be tasteful.
-For the gals: Dreamy Doug Pickett. We could be twins!

Enjoy the games, everyone.

As one perceptive mind puts it, this idea will "blow your damn mind." And yes, the idea of two extra weeks of football gives me a good-sized chubby. Let's look at the unsourced details as reported by the Post:

Among the changes under discussion are playing games on Thursdays and Saturdays for the entire season — not just at the end of the season, and playing at least eight games a year outside the US [ed note: hello, London Jaguars!].

Cramming 32 more games a year into TV schedules will be a challenge — as will deciding whether to cut the pre-game schedule by two or expand the season by two weeks.

This is too good to be true. It will shorten the mid-February sports wasteland. It'll stop teams from forcing you to buy two preseason games in your season ticket package. An extra two weeks plus an off-day means you get to play every other team in your fantasy league twice, evening things out.

So it'd be good for fans. But what about the players? You already hear them complain about the length of the season, so there's no way the NFLPA would let this fly. At least, not without a corresponding increase in salaries across the board, something the owners will never agree to.

For the league, it may not be the best PR move to put their players through additional punishment in the midst of a controversy over concussions. But never mind that; already, the teams that play into January are often the ones that stay healthy. With an 18-week season, no one will stay healthy. And while Jeff Hostetler and Tom Brady may make second-stringers starting in the playoffs seem sexy, it rarely works out so Disney-like.

I also don't think the NCAA is going to like this. The proposal moves games to Saturdays, and could bump the start of the season into prime college football dates before Labor Day. College football's not going to appreciate that competition, and it never pays to piss off a minor-league system that you get for free.

How about money? That's an extra 32 games the league has to put on, which ain't cheap. Some teams are already hurting; 14 franchises lost or didn't gain value last year, and that's before interest or taxes are figured in. Try telling Oakland or Seattle that they've got to play two more weeks, and see how receptive their fans will be to paying more money to cover the costs.

Look, we all want more football. It's God's sport, and we're lucky to have it. But let's not go overboard trying to make a good thing better, especially if we run the risk of making things worse.

Two More NFL Games A Year? Where To Put Them [NY Post]
The NFL Wants To Blow Your Damn Mind [Second-String Fullback]
The Business Of Football, 2009 [Forbes]

The Steelers and Bears lost big games this weekend, and the frustration mounted to the point of manufactured controversy. On the Sunday Night Football broadcast, Ward opened up to Bob Costas:

This game is almost like a playoff game. It's almost a must-win. I could see some players or teammates questioning, like, 'It's just a concussion. I've played with a concussion before. I would go out there and play.' So, it's almost like a 50-50 toss-up in the locker room, you know? Should he play? Shouldn't he play? It's really hard to say. I've been out there dinged up. The following week, got right back out there."

Only problem is, Big Ben's brain doctor told him that his brain wasn't in playing shape. So today Ward apologized to Roethlisberger via Facebook, which is apparently what you do when you've got more than 140 characters to write.

I would never question a man's toughness playing in a STEELER unif. I didn't mean to cause such a stir. My frustration was based on the fact that this was a big game for us to stay in the playoff picture and having Ben out there gave us our best opp to win in Balt. I was frustrated because there was no indication of... Ben not being able to play because he practiced a normal routine this week (wed, thurs and fri)."

[snip]

"I know Ben wanted to play this game but the docs told him he's down, and with that we trust our docs with their decisions. We would never jeopardize anyone's health for a game of football. Life is way to precious. One thing about Ben, he is a WINNER. We just wanted this game so badly."

So, all's well in Pittsburgh. These things are easier to get past when you're probably playoff bound. But in Chicago, Urlacher had this to say (obliquely) about Jay Cutler:

I hate the way our identity has changed. We used to establish the run and wear teams down and try not to make mistakes, and we'd rely on our defense to keep us in the game and make big plays to put us in position to win...Kyle Orton might not be the flashiest quarterback, but the guy is a winner, and that formula worked for us. I hate to say it, but that's the truth."

Today, he was asked to clarify. He clarified very little:

I'm not taking a shot at Jay. I'm not one bit taking a shot at Jay. He throws it better, right? And we haven't tried to run the ball as much. That's true. But Kyle has won games. His formula works. So I'm not taking a shot at Jay or Kyle."

Let's translate athlete-speak into English. Urlacher had originally said "the team needs to stop throwing so much, because Cutler is a bust who can't stop throwing interceptions and is costing the team games." His carefully considered remarks two days later are that "the team needs to stop throwing so much, because Cutler is a bust who can't stop throwing interceptions and is costing the team games. But I'm not taking a shot at Jay."

The lesson: get yourself a Facebook page, Brian. As of press time, more than 1100 people clicked the little thumbs-up icon next to Ward's comments.

Hines Ward Facebook Page [Facebook]
Brian Urlacher Says Comments About Chicago Bears Teammates Not Meant To Be Derogatory [Chicago Tribune]

Use this as your open thread, and be grateful that something of note is happening in the sports world that does not involve Tiger Woods or Grady Sizemore's strategically placed cup of Oolong.

Saints, Patriots trade praise before swapping hits [CBSSports.com]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.

•Colts 35, Texans 27. Houston made a huge mistake when they went ahead 17-0, because they did it with nearly three quarters left for Peyton Manning to work with. Manning found seven receivers en route to 4 TDs and 244 yards, in a sloppy game that saw more turnovers than punts. Indy stays undefeated, but they have yet to make it look easy. (Thanks to reader Jason for the screengrab.)

•Eagles 27, Redskins 24. The Skins actually led a 2nd half comeback, but couldn't stop Philly on either of their fourth quarter drives. Minus Portis and Betts, the Skins never got their ground game going, and lose a divisional heartbreaker for the second week in a row.

•Jets 17, Panthers 6. On the opening drive, Darrelle Revis (the best corner in the NFL) picked off Jake Delhomme and returned it 67 yards for a touchdown. That would have been enough, as Delhomme was intercepted three more times and had a couple TDs overturned on a flag and an offensive pass interference.

•Falcons 20, Buccaneers 17. With Matty Ice on ice with a toe injury after just three passes, and Michael Turner taking a seat in the third, Chris Redman — Chris Redman! — put the Falcons on his shoulders and led a two-minute drill that featured five straight incompletions from inside the 10, before he nailed Roddy White for the gamewinner with 23 seconds left.

•Bills 31, Dolphins 14. That's two weeks in a row that T.O. has gotten more involved, and two straight competitive games for Buffalo. He had the 51-yard dagger that sealed it, and the Bills outscored Miami 24-0 in the fourth quarter.

•Bengals 16, Browns 7. I'm not big on QB ratings, but it's worth pointing out that Josh Cribbs more than doubled Brady Quinn's in this one. With an inactive Cedric Benson, the now-playoff-bound Larry Johnson led Cincy with 107 yards, proving that there are no real punishments in pro sports.

•Seahawks 27, Rams 17. Look up "playing out the string" in the sports dictionary, and you'll see this box score. Justin Forsett had more yards and scores (130 and 2) than did Matt Hasselbeck (102 and 0). And that was in a winning effort. As a consolation, St. Louisans didn't have to watch this one, as it was blacked out.

If you haven't seen it already, here is the Denver coach reminding his players last night that "all we're trying to do is win the motherfucking game." Guess he forgot to tell them that during their recent four-game losing streak. Anyway, it's all good. The announcers apologized immediately and today the Network offered up a hilarious apology, where an executive producer admitted that his team made a "terrible mistake," while simultaneously marveling at how awesome their microphones are. You can hear everything! You should definitely call your cable operator and subscribe today!

Also, Denver won the motherfucking game so keep up the smack talk, Josh. Swearing works, kids!

Josh McDaniels Just Wants to Win a Motherf–king Game! [The Last Angry Fan]
NFL Network: We Made 'Terrible Mistake' [Fanhouse]

* * * * *

Ok, that's enough for today. Go dig some leftovers out of the fridge and enjoy whatever college football and/or basketball you can find on TV tonight. Weed Against Barry will keep you company as usual this weekend.

We're thankful for your continued support of Holiday Deadspin. If you can find a video with a greater contrast between its peppy upbeat music and awkwardly depressing visuals, then post it below.

I have but one goal for this Thanksgiving, and that is to spend the day saying as few words as humanly possible. Talking is the enemy of a good Thanksgiving. With so many goddamn relatives around, anything you say is a potential hydrogen bomb of familial conflict.

YOU: Hey, everyone! I brought a pie!

YOUR SISTER: Well, I brought one, too. I thought it was my turn to bring pie this year.

YOU: What difference does it make?

YOUR SISTER: It means you weren't LISTENING to me. You just go and do whatever you want.

YOU: Yeah, well fuck you, you runny cunt.

YOUR SISTER: NO, FUCK YOU! MOM SAYS YOU MARRIED A FUCKING BEAST!

YOU: (parries at sister with carving knife)

You see how things can devolve so quickly in such an emotionally charged environment. I'm going to a house that contains fourteen relatives this evening, and that's not even that big of a Thanksgiving. My job will be to lurk in the background, like a drifting molester, happy to blend in with the wallpaper, a source of conflict for NO MAN, WOMAN, OR CHILD. I promise to make this Thanksgiving a masterpiece of antisocializing. I have the following weapons at my disposal:

THE NFL
The house I'm going to has no television in the family area, where everyone sits before and after dinner. To watch TV, you have to go into the basement, where no one else is. FUCKING SWEET. I'll walk in, say a few pleasantries, kiss a few cheeks, throw a couple babies in the air. Then I'll grab an open bag of chips and run downstairs. An hour later, someone will be like, "Hey, where the fuck is Drew?" I'll tell you where. IN HEAVEN, THAT'S WHERE. There's nothing better than having a game to sneak off to during any family encounter. It always takes people a million years to notice. You can smuggle all manner of food down there, even an entire dinner plate. Also, you get to have that fun exchange where your old lady comes down and begs you to come up and talk to people. And you're like, "Okay, I'll be up in five minutes." And they you stay downstairs for another hour. MAGIC.

THE BATHROOM
Ah, the bathroom. Sweet, sweet sanctuary. Fact: I have been known, during family events, to go to the bathroom even when I don't have shit, piss, or masturbate. I just go there to hang out. It's like landing on home plate. No one can hand you a baby to feed, or a dish to wash. You are bulletproof once inside the bathroom. Then you go back out to the chaos outside and people will give you that look, that look that lets you know THEY know you were just overstaying your turn in the shitter. Then someone else runs to the john for a moment of solace.

SMOKING
I'm onto you, smokers. I get it, now. I see why it's worth risking the cancer, and the impotence, and the rotten teeth, and the clothes you have to Febreze 70 times a day. Because taking a smoke break outside is like a bonus trip to the shitter. No one's gonna bother you while you're outside smoking a cigarette in the freezing drizzle. And no lady is gonna come hand you a kid while you're emitting lethal secondhand smoke. It's an ingenious plan, smokers. It really is. YOU RESPONSIBILITY-DODGING SHITBAGS.

ALCOHOL
I'm sorry. I'd talk to you people, or help mom with plating dessert. But I'm just too fucking LOADED, you see.

BACK PAIN
My sciatica flared up last week, and is only now subsiding. (Quick note: Sciatica is caused by a ruptured disk in your back pressing against a nerve and causing shooting pain down your leg. You do not want it.) Anyway, I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Vicodin (WHEE!), muscle relaxants (SCORE!), steroids (DREW STRONG!), and physical therapy (whatever). I have to take all these meds, or else I'm in unrelenting agony all day long. So I'd like to talk to my relatives, exceppppttt I seem2beslurrrrrrinmywerddddss lemme jus lay downnn and (drools all over pants).

So there you have it, people. Those are the tools you have at your disposal to avoid actual contact with your loved ones this year. Use them at will. You could even fake a stomachache after dessert. That works, too.

Also, this week's Jamboroo is dedicated to my wife's cousin, who nearly died this spring in an accident. He made it through, and I'll be seeing him tonight. I'm thankful you're still around, my man. Drinks on me.

NOW DAN V, MAKE WITH THE SPECIAL THANKSGIVING THROWGASMS.

The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Steelers at Ravens: I mentioned earlier that I was going to a house with 14 relatives tonight. NONE of these people like football. At all. In fact, no one in my wife's family or my own family likes football besides me. I'm the only football fan among us, and that bothers me to no end. I'm the one asshole sneaking away to watch the game. I'm the selfish one. Goddamn pinkos, the lot of them. The only exception to this is my father-in-law, who is an anomaly in that he likes to watch football, but could give two shits about the context surrounding the game. It literally does not matter to him if he's watching a UFL game or the Super Bowl. It's all the same shit to him. He says he just likes to watch the hitting. The circumstances, players, and personalities mean nothing to him. He just likes seeing the action when he sees it. I don't know whether to admire him, or to shake the shit out of him.

I think it's probably better to have a partner-in-crime to sneak away to watch games with during the day. Then again, people are more likely to notice you're missing, so I'm not really sure.

Patriots at Saints: Holy shit, this game is AWESOME. And it's gonna be completely ruined by Jaws and Gruden. THIS GUY DREW BREES. HE'S JUST A FLAT-OUT COMPETITOR WHO WANTS TO WIN. I hate it when analyst says that. "He just wants to win." Well, no fucking shit. Even the guys half-assing it out there want to win the goddamn game.

If there's any team I'd like to see win the Super Bowl other than my own, it's the Saints. But man alive, they sure turn the ball over and let other teams score a lot. That can't be a good omen. AND THAT'S MY HARDCORE FOOTBALL ANALYSIS.

Four Throwgasms

Colts at Texans: My wife's family is from Germany (none affiliated with Rolf), so a lot of times my wife's German aunt will send over a bunch of German toys for the kids to play with. One of these toys is a plush sun that plays a German lullaby. We keep it in the ten-month-old's crib. Anyway, the lullaby this toy plays has the EXACT same fucking melody as "The Gambler". No lie. You pull the string, and suddenly it's playing "The Gambler". So now, every night, I'm pulling the string on this thing and singing to my kid, "You gotta know when to hold ‘em… WHEN TO HOLD ‘EM!" My son will be shot dead dealing blackjack on a riverboat in twenty-five years.

One other thing about having foreign relatives. If you have relatives who do not speak English, and you don't speak their native language either, you will ALWAYS, by law, be the only one around to pick up the phone whenever they call for your wife, or the person in the house that DOES speak their native tongue. The German aunt calls my house once a month, and I'm always the only person around to pick up. What then ensues is a conversation of aggressive retardation, where I over pronounce words very loudly in English so that they might resemble something she recognizes. SHE'S NOT HOME, YES? I also make hand gestures, WHILE ON THE PHONE. As if she can see them. I am a fucking moron.

Giants at Broncos: Oh, thank God the Broncos suck again. That was a close one.

Three Throwgasms

Packers at Lions: This is a much better game than the Cowboys-Raiders shitfest happening later on. Both Aaron Kampman and Al Harris are done for the year for the Packers. MORE MATT STAFFORD HEROICS ARE IN STORE!

Panthers at Jets: Gallo noted this first. Say hello to the Inside the BCS Twitter feed, designed to give you college football fans all the BCS propaganda you can handle! Important things like "bracket creep" are discussed.

When Plus-1 was discussed in '08, one big hurdle was the inevitable bracket creep. 4 teams, maybe. Then 8? 16? 32?

Oh, no! A 32-team playoff tournament in college football? A month-long orgy of meaningful college games that could redefine my existence and challenge the dominance of the NFL? HORRORS! Yes, I'd sure hate to see that happen. What a tragedy. Much better to have a drama-free year in which the title game of Texas-SEC champ was already set in stone ages ago. The BCS can choke on AIDS.

Bears at Vikings: I saw the "Rock With You" video on TV the other day. It's a great song. But I noticed that, in the video, Michael Jackson is dancing just like a white person. It's uncanny, really.

Cardinals at Titans: Man, did Luke Wilson get fat.

Two Throwgasms

Bucs at Falcons: From the mysterious and gifted flubby (and KOGOD) comes the Twitter feed of porn star Bree Olsen, (NSFW) which will turn you on and sadden you in equal measure.

Any men in fort Wayne wanna get me drunk and take advantage of me? That sounds so hot right now.

I only have been getting fucked an average of once a day these days. WTF is up with that?! I need it at least three!

I had some guys over here playing wolrd of warfare 2 on x box 360. Turns me on to see guys play video games. I love it!

As flubby notes, "Jesus Christ, what do you call the diametric opposite of trolling? I love it when guys don't change their underwear for days on end. Skid marks are the best!"

Dolphins at Bills: Need an early xmas gift? How about Bobby Jones' Ultimate Gospel collection? Featuring "He's An On-Time God." That's right! God isn't on CPT anymore!

Redskins at Eagles: A friend of mine just got engaged. For you bachelors out there, there is nothing more terrifying than the time in between the moment you buy an engagement ring, and the moment you propose. Not because you're getting nervous about marriage. But because you're walking around with a bauble in your pocket worth thousands of dollars. You want to get rid of that shit as fast as you can, to give it to your woman so she assumes all responsibility for it. That whole time YOU have the ring, you freak the fuck out over losing it. That's why I never suggest you plan on bringing an engagement ring to some tropical locale, or try hiding it in a soufflé, or some retarded thing like that. Just get rid of the fucker ASAP.

Chiefs at Chargers

Jaguars at 49ers

One Throwgasm

Raiders at Cowboys: I don't understand why the Raiders were included in the Thanksgiving game schedule. It's fucking stupid. The NFL already knows that people are sick of seeing Detroit and Dallas every year at this time. And they knew before the season, damn well, that their only hope for a good day game would be to pair a good team with Dallas, because Detroit is always bad. So why did they have the Raiders come to Dallas? Why not San Diego? Why are you subjecting me to this inevitable 13-10 shitwreck, Goodell? YOU CUNTHAIR.

I think they do this shit on purpose, so that you'll be grateful for the NFL Network game later on (which half the country won't be able to fucking watch, mind you). Assholes.

Browns at Bengals: I'll never get over Hank Poteat, who has been in the league for ten years, believing pass interference is allowable so long as the QB is outside of the pocket.

Also, Eric Mangini is the biggest gash in all of football. His little bitching about the Lions was his worst display of dipshittery yet. It got the KSK gang and I wondering what examples of cheating he'll use next to distract people from his team's horrid play. After all, the Browns can't merely SUCK. No, no. Someone had to CHEAT to outwit dickless over there.

Ufford: "It's no fair the way the other team had more talented players and a better coach."

Flubby: "We had the Bengals beat until that devious Mr. Fuji threw salt in our eyes."

Tunison: "You say it's unlikely the Ravens have developed some kind of debilitating nerve toxin, but do you know for sure? THE LEAGUE TURNS A BLIND EYE TO CHEATING!"

Seahawks at Rams: Kyle Boller is nailing Carrie Prejean, which goes to show that it doesn't matter how bad you are at playing QB, just being a QB in the NFL is enough to ensure you a higher class of tail than most any man on Earth. Stoney Case nailed Ali Landry. Heather Kozar made fingercuffs with Cade McNown and Tim Couch. In fact, Gisele and Hilary Rhoda aside, you're almost better off being a terrible NFL QB if you want to land hot ass. Starting QB's are too busy to nab good pussy. But if you're Matt Leinart, you have all day to talent scout.

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Ace of Spades," by Motorhead. This helpful video above points out that the cover of Motohead's cover for the Sacrifice album includes a demon with a vagina for a mouth and a penis for a tongue.

Waiting around for dinner? Go now and immediately read this profile of Lemmy from last month's issue of Rolling Stone (excerpted in the link, otherwise you have to read the actual issue. HOW DARE SOMEONE CHARGE ME FOR CONTENT). In it, you will discover several important facts about Lemmy, such as:

-He still drinks a bottle of Jack a day

-According to Ozzy Osbourne, when Lemmy toured, "[Lemmy] had a plaid bag with three books an a notepad. No change of clothes. His fucking rider was seven bottles of bourbon, eight bottles of vodka, two bottles of orange juice, and that's fucking it!" You know you're a legendary drinker when even Ozzy Osbourne is in awe of your excess. The man needs only liquor to survive.

-He keeps an extensive collection of Nazi war artifacts in his apartment, including Eva Braun's comb. And somehow, this fact makes him even more of a BADASS. Anyone else who keeps Nazi uniforms in their apartment is a fucking Nazi scumbag. But when Lemmy does it? RAWK.

Lemmy rules.

Embarassing Album I Own That Will Not Fire You Up

"Euphoria," by Def Leppard. This was my favorite band back in 1987, before I discovered Metallica. I owned every Def Leppard album. I bought their Historia video compilation. I had their posters all over my wall. And whenever I doodled in class, I wrote everything in the Def Leppard font. I saw them at the Met Center in Bloomington, Minnesota (In the round, IN YOUR FACE!). And whenever they reached #1 on Dial MTV, I would go to school the next day and BRAG to people in my 5th grade class that didn't like Def Leppard that they were #1 the night before. How I went through that period without sucking a dick is beyond me.

Anyway, I still enjoy Def Leppard's music all these years later. I even bought their late period albums, including this one, which was released in 1999, far past their time of relevance. And I still listen to some of the shit on this album. ‘CAUSE YOU'RE LIVING ON A PAPER SUNNNNNN…

I know they never admitted it, but I bet that rig they set up for the one-armed drummer totally didn't work. They just stuck a drum machine under the stage and let Rick Allen tard away on his special, noiseless kit all he pleased.

Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Saw your neighbors break out the ball gags, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like.

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Tony Romo and the entire Dallas offense. You all suck, and when that final stretch of Giants/Chargers/Saints/Eagles arrives, and you choke like the choking assholes you are, America will once again dance on your fucking graves. Dicks. PICK A BACK AND STAY WITH HIM, GARRETT.

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Steelers was incorrect, making me 8-3 on the year. Keep in mind, this is a year in which there are an uncommon amount of horrid teams. An 8-3 record is fucking pathetic. I hate suicide pools. Anyway, that puts the Steelers, Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Cincinnati, and sibling rivalry. My kid took a drumstick the other day and smacked the baby with it. HARD. Just drummed the shit out of his head. So I grab the kid, and tried to do my best impression of an angry parent.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T HIT YOUR BROTHER LIKE THAT!

Her: I like princesses.

How do you reason with these fucking monsters? They evade the issues more easily than your average politician.

Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

"This week, I like the Raiders getting 13.5 points against Dallas on the road. I hung out with Lemmy once back in ‘82. He was playing a festival in Dusseldorf and I was there to see Skrewdriver. Bought a Hitler mustache hair from him for 40 marks. Good guy."

2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-5.

This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was J. Ramirez. He did not come to claim his prize. This week's winner was P. Kuszynski. Hey Kuszynski, come claim your prize, you stupid Polack!

Great Moments In Poop History
I know many of you, including Leitch, skip the weekly poop story. Well, I implore not to miss this week's entrant. It's from our very own AJ Daulerio, and it is titled, "The Last Pickle In The Jar". It is your editor's Thanksgiving gift to you. Enjoy.

AJ: So, my friend Dorfman got married last April. We have a long history of playing horrible practical jokes on each other. He was very paranoid about what I had planned for his wedding night since we were staying in the same hotel. This was a wedding attended by the likes of Leitch, Aileen, Jim Cooke, etc.

Me: Dorfman? Kent Dorfman?

AJ: Matt Dorfman.

Me: Great name.

AJ: So one time at Spring Break when I was in college, you know, I played this joke on one of the other guys who was staying in our crappy Bahamaian hotel. He was a real bitch about his Do Not Disturb sign and would be a real asshole to the help. So I took the little hotel glass and scooped out my own turd from the toilet, ran up to his room, banged on the door, left the glass outside of it and ran away. He throws open the door, kicks the glass over, so now there's a big turd sitting in the middle of the hallway on our floor. SO. I tell Cooke about this and decided I want to do the same thing to Dorfman on his wedding night. I'm describing the glass full of poop and how it just floats in there with its flecks of poop and everything and Cooke says, "It's just like the last pickle in the jar." Brilliant, I thought. It shall be named that forever and ever. SO. I'm staying in Aileen's room. As you can probably tell, Aileen does not enjoy these types of hijinx.

Me: I don't even know why she knows you, honestly.

AJ: In order to pull it off I have to sneak up to the room while she's down at the bar to try to pull it off. I go into the bathroom, drop the deuce, grab the glass and go in to try to scoop.
Granted, I wasn't as drunk as I was in college the first time I did this, so I kind of tried to do a swooshing motion with the glass in order to get the poop in the glass. This only resulted in causing a little wave in the toilet — enough to force the turd up over the rim and go scooting across the bathroom floor.

Me: "The slippery eel"

AJ: Indeed. So now I have this wet turd on Aileen's bathroom floor and I have no idea when she's coming up. I frantically pick it up with some gobs of toilet paper and throw it back in the bowl. Knock on the door. It's Cooke. He comes in, the smell hits him, and he's like "What the fuck happened?!" As I explain to him the situation and the turd scooting across the floor, he proceeds to vomit in the hotel sink. So now we're both frantically trying to get the puke out of the sink and the lingering turd smell out of the room before Aileen comes back up. Knowing her, she'd probably call the police on us and never speak to us again. We succeed. However, that night, I reveal to Dorfman what my plan was and tell him the whole ordeal. He thinks it's the greatest thing in the world and proceeds to tell the whole wedding party about what happened. The next day at breakfast, Aileen won't even speak to me again because she heard about the whole thing. And that's the Last Pickle In The Jar.

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Tom Cable*
Jim Zorn
Eric Mangini
Jim Mora
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
Lovie Smith
Wade Phillips

Ugh. These stirring turnarounds by the Titans and other miserable teams has reduced our firing pool significantly. Come on, bad teams. Suck MORE.

Thanksgiving Snack Of The Week

French's Fried Onions. Every year, we make the white trash green bean casserole, and I eat half the can of onions before they've even gone into the mix. Especially the big, chunky ones that have been fused together in the frying process. This annoyed the Mrs. So I suggested, this year, that she buy TWO cans of the things. One for the casserole. The other for my snacking enjoyment. "How about you just keep your fat ass away from the one can I buy?" she said. Pfft. That's hardly a feasible option, woman.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Sportz! Reader DT writes in:

This is not a recommendation but rather a warning. Take heed.

High school. Texas. Mid-90s. There was this family-owned, Middle Eastern grocery that would sell us beer after-hours, in an alley behind the store. Very classy. And they charged us practically double since we were very clearly teenagers and not of legal drinking age. Because of that, WHAT we drank was completely at their discretion. There was a lot of Thunderbird and Mad Dog 20/20 ("Oooh! I hope it's Banana Red this week!") and the Beast and shit like that, but eventually they decided that even that stuff was too good for us, so they would just bring us whatever warm piss they couldn't sell. And that was how Sportz beer was introduced into my life. It was so bad you couldn't even bong it. For years it ruined beer for me altogether. Anything that makes you long wistfully for Mad Dog is pure evil.

Oh man, does that beer look horrible. I MUST HAVE IT.

Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Brett Favre of the Vikings. The old man! The gunslinger! You know, I too knew a gunslinger in my day. JOHN FORD! The one and only. Stagecoach? You bet! How Green Was My Valley? Very green, indeed. Ol' Ford loved taking his guns around with him anywhere he went on the set. Said it helped him keep the crew on their toes. One time, I saw Ford pull a gun on his DP. And he told that poor sucker, ‘Son, you don't get me a proper sunset, I'll shoot this gun right into your stupid little skull.' And I'll be damned if that DP didn't use all the shades and filters at his disposal to make a rainy evening look like the Grand Canyon at dusk! It's amazing what a director can do with a gun in his hands. I miss those days. Crazy? YOU BET! Glorious? Goddamn right."

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Star Trek. Here, in one corner, we have Spock. Coldly analytical. Devoid of feelings. Dismissive of emotional factors and relying only on sound math and logic. In the other corner, we have Kirk. Impulsive. RECKLESS. Goes with his gut. Don't you see what's really going on here? Spock is Ken Tremendous: a SABREMETRICIAN OF INTERPLANETARY WARFARE. And Kirk is Buzz Bissinger, and the Romulans really piss the shit out of him. And Bones is Murray Chass.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"My parents won't let me use scissors!"

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Nina Senicar. (NSFWCC) She's foreign.
-For the gals: Pro surfer Kelly Slater. Pfft. What's he got that I don't besides a toned body, tremendous athletic ability, and a natural kinship with the sea?

Enjoy the games, everyone. Happy Thanksgiving. Drive safely.

Court records say that Herbert Simpson of Philadelphia sent the 63-year-old Coughlin letters threatening to "expose a fictitious sexual tryst with two women" and demanding $20,000 to $30,000 to keep quiet. Obviously, no one on Earth would ever believe that story so it wasn't the most impressive plan. Coughlin himself could hold a press conference tomorrow admitting that he had a threeway with two chicks and had the video to prove it and reporters would still laugh him off the stage.

Yeah, I'm going to go with "crazy person."

Man Pleads Guilty in Threats to Giants Coach [1010WINS]

It was famously said of Layne that "he never lost a game, he just ran out of time." Well, Matthew Stafford did run out of time yesterday and still managed to pull off a legendary come-from behind victory on the last play against the Browns. With only one arm. Urban legend has it that Layne once got in a car accident while driving drunk on a Saturday night, then showed up on Sunday morning and led the Lions to a win. Stafford—who attended the same high school as Layne, don'tcha know—picked himself up off the sideline with a busted shoulder to throw a game-winning touchdown. (He sort of had no choice. Daunte Culpepper sure didn't want to do it and putting on a helmet would have ruined the whole LPGA golfer look that Drew Stanton had going on.)

Urban legend also has it that Layne cursed his former franchise to 50 years of losing after they traded him away in 1958. Well, we're at 51 and counting, but perhaps the statute of limitations has finally been lifted. The team is still a long way from being good, but could they finally havefound the leader with that mythical toughness that inspires nations and make women weep? No one knows what "it" is, but he's got it! If you're going to build yourself a legend, Sunday's "gritty" 5-TD performance would be a good way to start.

Years from now, every Lions fan will talk about how they saw this man in this game and knew that things had finally turned around for this hapless franchise ... and you will know that they are lying because the stadium was half-full and the game was blacked out. (More on that later.) Stafford probably won't play during their nationally televised Thanksgiving game in four days when his team will undoubtedly be spanked, so the legend is going to need a little more time to simmer. But what a glorious four days they will be for Lions fans. Naturally, the greatest post-game glow of good feelings that they've seen in years had to come during the short week.

[Photo: Julian H. Gonzalez/Detroit Free Press]

Matthew Stafford, Matt Cassel lead way in NFL Week 11 [Peter King]
Stafford winning teammates over [The Morning Sun]
There's no doubt now: Stafford is strong enough to lead [Detroit Free Press]
In battle of the bottom, Lions and Browns play a thriller [MJD]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Brady Quinn: Looks like someone else benefited from facing a porous secondary and a non-existent pass rush. When you can double your career touchdown total in one quarter, you know the only way to go is up. [Tribune Chronicle - Warren, OH]

San Diego Chargers: Remember when some idiot wrote that Denver had pretty much sewn up the AFC West and Josh McDaniels was the new George Halas? The term you're looking for is "short-sighted." [BroncoTalk]

Real Salt Lake: Why does a team from Utah have a Spanish name? And how does a team with a losing regular-season record win your league championship? (Oh, right. Penalty kicks.) [Salt Lake Tribune]

And who is the Weekend Loser? Anyone who enjoys picking on Charlie Weis. Remember ... if he gets fired, then you can't make fun of Charlie Weis anymore. (And Notre Dame might actually get better.) It's quite a catch, that Catch-22. [Sporting News]

•Chiefs 27, Steelers 24. Driving confidently during overtime, Ben Roethlisberger took a knee to the head and Charlie Batch couldn't finish the job. KC had no problems going the other way for the winning FG, and that Steelers D without Troy Polamalu looks really, really vulnerable.

•Colts 17, Ravens 15. When's the last time Peyton Manning threw more INTs than TDs? (Rhetorical question, know-it-all commenters.) It was the Colts defense that carried the day, keeping Baltimore out of the end zone, and picking off a marching Joe Flacco inside the red zone to seal it.

•Giants 34, Falcons 31. The Giants once again blew a fourth quarter lead, but won the coin toss in overtime and pulled out the win. This game was decided in the air, with the teams combining for 600 yards passing and only 178 rushing. Eli Manning has 384 yards and three TDs.

•Lions 38, Browns 37. *checks box score* I'm going to assume this is all a misprint and will be cleared up soon, but Matthew Stafford and Brady Quinn combined for 9 touchdowns and 724 yards. Stafford pulled off the miracle finish of the year, scrambling for his life before lofting a 32 yard pass into the end zone that got whistled for defensive pass interference. With no time on the clock, Stafford then tossed it in from the 1 for an epic, epic win.

•Packers 30, 49ers 24. Green Bay seemingly had this one in hand, but Michael Crabtree's first career score set off a furious San Francisco rally that simply ran out of time.

•Cowboys 7, Redskins 6. There are defensive showdowns, and then there's this horrid excuse for a game. Rock Cartwright, third on the depth chart, led Washington on the ground and in the air, but the real star was Nick Folk, who nailed the extra point with 2:41 left to mercifully prevent this one from going to overtime.

•Jaguars 18, Bills 15. Maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick isn't a great QB, but at least he remembers he has Terrell Owens on his team. But TO's 197 yards wasn't enough to make a different, as David Garrard led the Jags down the field to score with a minute left.

•Saints 38, Buccaneers 7. At least the Bucs led in this one, right? That counts for something. Not as much as 38 unanswered points, but still.

•Vikings 35, Seahawks 9. Hey, Tarvaris Jackson had a touchdown pass in this one! That's generally a sign that the game got out of hand early, and sure enough Brett Favre had TD passes on three straight drives to end the first half.