Deadspin
Last week, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson disappointed us — and pretty much every sports fan we know — by scoring a touchdown and simply handing the ball back to the ref.
If he scores this week against the Bills, uh, he's not gonna make the same mistake. To say the least. When he was asked yesterday if he had a special celebration for Saturday, he said yes, and that it would "have something to do with Christmas." But he was just getting warmed up.
You know there are a lot of deer in the area. Don't laugh. There are a lot of deer in the area of Cincinnati, so if you see a deer come out there, don t say I didn't tell you. I'm serious. I hit him. He's bandaged up, but he's going to come out. Don't laugh. Y'all think I'm playing. Trust me, I've got Rudolph. His nose is red. ...
No, on the highway I hit a deer. I kept him. He's at home in the garage. I'm going to use him for the celebration this weekend. He's a prop. They might suspend me for the last game, but I think this one is worth it.
He's limping, but he's alive. He's all right. This is going to be the greatest celebration of all-time, man. I actually use an animal. I'll probably get in trouble with the Humane Society, everybody. It wasn't my fault: He ran in the road."
What better way can we say this: If Chad Johnson scores a touchdown on Saturday and celebrates by draping the carcass of a bloody deer he mowed down with his car over his shoulder pads ... our heavens, don't our minds kind of have to just implode right there? Isn't that the only option?
Johnson Hints At New Dance [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Comments
Chad Johnson 1, PETA 0...
that is the only option. and then right after we have venison salads.
I was going to make the obligatory Love Boat allusion (e.g. "Good thing Johnson doesn't play in Minnesota, no telling WHAT that deer would be in for. Ew!" etc.). But I simply don't have the energy.
I'm comfortable taking Chad's word on this. I'll assume he is right and a dead deer, is in fact, the greatest prop ever for a end zone celebration. But mostly because I'm trying to figure out what in God's name would make someone volunteer information like this. Frankly, it sounds like something Miggs would say.
this is the best hype I've heard for a game this season... ...Anna Benson is now considering leaving Kris
Chad Johnson is a freaking genius. It's as if TO and Vince McMahon spent a lost weekend in Cabo and had a love child.
I wonder if he gets money from the networks for getting people to actually watch the bills...also, I have to imagine that if Chad Johnson brings a deer out onto the field, Marvin Lewis will snap and kill him right there, no matter how ridiculous the touchdown was...
I am also amused by Chad...but what if, in fact, PETA does get involved? Does it become a distraction this week for the team?
I keep getting this Goodfellas image of Chad showing up wasted at his mom's house late one night and she makes him food and after that he asks for a knife to carve the wounded deer out of the grill of his Hummer.
I talked to Chad: The plan is to jam the football into Carson Palmer's helmet as a reindeer nose and use the Bengals O- line to pull the 'sleigh' through the end zone. There will be a cheerleader to sit shotgun as Mrs. Claus. Chad is also trying to recruit a special teams guy as his arms to drive the sleigh, a la Clinto Portis.
I may move to Cincinnati. There can't be much to do but I do so love Chad. He should have his own cooking show after this. He could show the proper way to slice and prepare venison.
My god, he's going to put the deer out of his misery by repeatedly throwing a football at its head!
This is weird even for him. 'Tis a shame it probably won't be on TV here.
As a product of a broken alcoholic family during the Christm-- err - Holiday season, I'm desperately deluding myself into thinking that this might actually happen. I'm working out scenarios in my head in which he's in super secret negotiations with the ASPCA and PETA, giving them every assurance that the animal is being treated humanely and buying them off with million dollar donations, so they won't sabotage his celebration. He's got a veterinarian on the payroll too. Team trainers are working on the leg so the limp won't be that bad when he pulls Chad in a sleigh across the field. He's going to make this happen. All I have to do is pour dad's vodka down the kitchen sink before the Christmas Party and this is going to happen!!!
It's actually pretty genius. Chad scores his TD, does his little tango de la muerte with the deer, the PETA representatives rush him and throw red paint on him, and for the rest of the game, his red jersey will confuse Bills defenders into thinking they can't tackle him. Yeah, yeah. Like they'd have a shot at touching him anyway. Still: genius.
Chad Johnson is so my favorite football player.
Sweet fancy moses! Buffalo... do not double cover this man.
Once a year I return to the city of Cincinnati where I grew up, to welcome into the home of my family the birth of a Savior, and this year, the Savior's name is Chad Johnson. I bless the day you were born, Chad. You have saved Christmas.
I'm still wondering what he had planned for that TD celebration in the Steelers game he had planned, where he referred to an iron.
Start a discussion:
Login with your username and password below. Or comment on this post via email.
Forgot your username or password? New User?