• nhl closer

    Congratulations, Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings


    The NHL Closer is written by five people of European descent at Melt Your Face Off. We're not the first people to blog the Stanley Cup Finals, but Don Cherry still calls us "soft". So, for all you kids out there, Raskolnikov toughened up to recapitulate Detroit's clincher.

    Game 5's aura hung over Mellon Arena. The Penguins had snatched victory, $6 champagne, and the Stanley Cup away from Detroit. Would this young team continue to shock the hockey world? Or would Detroit hunker down and play the style of hockey that led them to this point? More »

    9:15 AM on Thu Jun 5 2008
    By melt your face off
    4,200 views, 71 comments

    Latest by Walker Told Me I Have AIDS: @J.J.Gittes: Dude, why'd you have to diss the Pens fans? They were amazing, were you watching the same thing as I more »

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    Sykora Calls His Shot


    The NHL Closer is written by five insomniacs from Melt Your Face Off. We blame overtime hockey and copious amounts of caffeine for our condition. Raskolnikov downed two cases of Mountain Dew to recapitulate last night's epic thriller.

    Supposedly, Babe Ruth pointed to the center field bleachers at Wrigley Field before hitting a home run on the very next pitch. What little proof we have of that event actually taking place is based on a grainy photograph and some old men who swear that it happened. This dubious evidence leads me to believe that the whole event never happened. On the other hand, I know that Petr Sykora said that he'd win the game for Pittsburgh, then he buried a power play goal in the third overtime to give the Penguins a 4-3 win. More »

    9:15 AM on Tue Jun 3 2008
    By melt your face off
    7,182 views, 74 comments

  • nhl closer

    Mellon Arena: The Final Frontier

    The NHL Closer is written by the five Star Trek: The Next Generation enthusiasts from Melt Your Face Off. When not attending conventions, they can be found in their makeshift Holodeck, where they practice putting the moves on a virtual Counselor Troi. Set your phasers to stun, Deadspinners, because Weed Against Speed has the Bridge.

    If the Stanley Cup Finals were played out in the Star Trek: TNG Universe, one could say that Sidney Crosby, for the first time in the series, finally proved that his commission as Captain of the USS Penguin was fitting as he scored the first two goals in an incredibly entertaining 3-2 Pittsburgh victory over the visiting Detroit Red Wings. More »

    10:00 AM on Thu May 29 2008
    By melt your face off
    3,604 views, 86 comments

    Latest by The HZA.: @sharknut: Yes, he was only 21... more »

  • nhl closer

    The Stanley Cup Finals Mule Variations


    The NHL Closer is written by five octopi from Melt Your Face Off. When Al Sobotka isn't twirling us over his head, we're served with pickled ginger, green onion and mayonnaise in takoyaki. Raskolnikov emptied his ink sacs to write a recap of last night's action. More »

    10:00 AM on Tue May 27 2008
    By melt your face off
    3,889 views, 74 comments

    Latest by The Legend of Vincent Tremblay: OK, I can't shut up. I'm gonna pop if I do. @Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies: I don't think he's ever more »

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    Ooof, Stars, That'll Leave a Mark

    The NHL Closer is written by five checking-line centers from Melt Your Face Off. When we're not receiving praise for our work ethic, we're taking shots to kill the pain from blocking shots. Raskolnikov momentarily stopped playing along the boards to write this recap.

    Grinders do so much good for our everyday life. They fill our stomachs, pulverize coffee beans, collect hashish powder and score goals in the most painful way possible outside of listening to Sean Avery whine about his mascara. Kris Draper scored his third goal of the playoffs 3:45 into the first period by using an archaic weapon: his chin. The mandible tally launched a three goal Detroit outburst in the period, leading to a 4-1 Red Wings victory and a Stanley Cup Finals appearance. More »

    10:40 AM on Tue May 20 2008
    By melt your face off
    2,778 views, 57 comments

    Latest by The Joy of Cesc: I've been without internet for the last 2 weeks trying to find working internet in rural Germany and trying to more »

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    Penguins Return Home For Game Five, Get Back In The Habit

    The NHL Closer is written by the five pillars of piety from Melt Your Face Off. When not serving the needy, sick, poor and uneducated, they can be found sneaking sips from the Baptismal Font. Weed Against Speed somehow got his hands on the keys to the Popemobile, so let's take this sucker out for a spin.

    Last Rites have now been read over the Philadelphia Flyers season, on account of the 6-0 flogging they received by the Pittsburgh Penguins. More »

    10:40 AM on Mon May 19 2008
    By melt your face off
    3,233 views, 63 comments

    Latest by FriendsLikeJimRome: The Flyers really turn into badasses when someone is on the ice, on their knees and they can see the more »

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    I Am Jack's NHL Closer

    The NHL Closer is written by the five Project Mayhem operatives at Melt Your Face-Off. Should Malkin start aiming his wristers at our eye sockets, and one of us doesn't make it out alive, you will henceforth know him as Robert Paulsen. Today, Hextall454 puts down the soap to give you the Keystone recap.

    What is the First Rule of Elimination? You do not talk about Elimination, naturally. Rather than dwell on the likely inevitable, coach John Stevens ripped his lineup card into 18 pieces, threw them in the air and pieced together the remnants for a completely shuffled lineup. Vaclav Prospal joined Umberger and Lupul for some sweet checking line action, while Mike Richards got the taste of centering the top line. I swear, Sami Kapanen managed to see time on all four lines, and Patrick Thoreson returned, while Steve Downie was demoted. More »

    11:25 AM on Fri May 16 2008
    By melt your face off
    2,898 views, 50 comments

    Latest by Wilf: If we're gonna bust out the FC references like it's 1999, then this was a single-serving win for the Flyers more »

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    A Tale Thirty-Three Years in the Making?

    The NHL Closer is written by five epic heroes from Melt Your Face Off. When not slaying the monsters on goalie masks, they constantly polish their swords. Raskolnikov recounts last night's act of valor.

    In 1942, the brave Toronto Maple Leafs rebounded from a 3-0 series deficit to win the Stanley Cup over the Detroit Red Wings. Thirty-three years later, the fearless New York Islanders climbed out of the same proverbial hole against the Pittsburgh Penguins. Time is like a river, and history repeats. Can the Dallas Stars succeed where the San Jose Sharks failed in the previous round? They took the first step yesterday with a 3-1 victory. More »

    10:00 AM on Thu May 15 2008
    By melt your face off
    3,147 views, 44 comments

  • nhl closer

    Philly Got Rolled Up, Smoked By Pittsburgh

    The NHL Closer is written by five hockeyfarians from Melt Your Face Off. When not crafting paraphernalia out of a hockey stick, athletic tape and a puck (yeah, man, a puck!), they can be found hanging out, keeping it mellow and doing their thing. So kick back and relax, because Weed Against Speed has lit the incense, turned on the black light and put some Floyd on. Far out.

    It's nearly impossible not to sound like a broken record here, but the Eastern Conference Finals seem to be going the way of Western Conference, with a convincing 4-1 victory by the smoking hot Pittsburgh Penguins over the dazed and confused Philadelphia Flyers. Both series are now one game away from sweeps. I reckon that could cost the NHL hundreds of dollars in lost ad revenue from all of those missing Versus broadcasts. More »

    11:10 AM on Wed May 14 2008
    By melt your face off
    3,588 views, 71 comments

    Latest by Darascon: @The HZA: Damnit I knew he looked familiar. thanks! more »

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    Here Come The Red Wings ... Duck!

    The NHL Closer is written by the Five Horsemen of the Apuckalypse from Melt Your Face Off. When not poring over the Book of Revelation for clues as to how to finally take out Gary Bettman, they can be found discovering new and inventive ways to commit blasphemy, blog-style. Weed Against Speed takes the reins of the Closer today.

    Riding Pavel Datsyuk's first career hat trick, the Red Wings took out the Stars in a 5-2 drubbing at American Airlines Center in Dallas, taking a commanding 3-0 lead in the series. The Red Wings have now won nine straight games in the playoffs. More »

    11:10 AM on Tue May 13 2008
    By melt your face off
    2,822 views, 24 comments

    Latest by SonofSpurrier: @IfindUrlacherfaithdisturbing: It's an overpay...Marty is a good 2nd line guy, he'll never be a 1st liner. Plays like Afinogenov, can more »