Sean Avery Will Now Have To J.O. To Dallas Ladies

Just Because They're In A Hockey Musical, It Doesn't Mean They Like To Puck Dudes

Congratulations, Kid. You've Been Drafted.

Tomorrow night in Ottawa, dozens of kids too young to legally drink will be drafted by professional hockey franchises willing to devote time, effort, and a boatload of money to turning them into Stanley Cup Champions. The NHL Draft will kick off Friday, and for that, we turn to Melt Your Face-Off, who will be liveblogging the first round.

It's that time of year again, folks. The time you've all most of a couple of you have been waiting for. The NHL Draft is a time when fans of teams from around the league can sit down together, and groan in frustration as your team slings loads of money to kids who have about a 50/50 shot of panning out. Reasonable Doubt will be taking you through the top forwards and goalies in the draft pool this year, and Weed Against Speed will take you through this year's stellar group of defensemen.

Loving That Stanley Cup

Congratulations, Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings

The NHL Closer is written by five people of European descent at Melt Your Face Off. We're not the first people to blog the Stanley Cup Finals, but Don Cherry still calls us "soft". So, for all you kids out there, Raskolnikov toughened up to recapitulate Detroit's clincher.

Game 5's aura hung over Mellon Arena. The Penguins had snatched victory, $6 champagne, and the Stanley Cup away from Detroit. Would this young team continue to shock the hockey world? Or would Detroit hunker down and play the style of hockey that led them to this point?

Sykora Calls His Shot

The NHL Closer is written by five insomniacs from Melt Your Face Off. We blame overtime hockey and copious amounts of caffeine for our condition. Raskolnikov downed two cases of Mountain Dew to recapitulate last night's epic thriller.

Supposedly, Babe Ruth pointed to the center field bleachers at Wrigley Field before hitting a home run on the very next pitch. What little proof we have of that event actually taking place is based on a grainy photograph and some old men who swear that it happened. This dubious evidence leads me to believe that the whole event never happened. On the other hand, I know that Petr Sykora said that he'd win the game for Pittsburgh, then he buried a power play goal in the third overtime to give the Penguins a 4-3 win.

Ice Hockey At Wrigley Field: The End Times Are Here

Mellon Arena: The Final Frontier

The NHL Closer is written by the five Star Trek: The Next Generation enthusiasts from Melt Your Face Off. When not attending conventions, they can be found in their makeshift Holodeck, where they practice putting the moves on a virtual Counselor Troi. Set your phasers to stun, Deadspinners, because Weed Against Speed has the Bridge.

If the Stanley Cup Finals were played out in the Star Trek: TNG Universe, one could say that Sidney Crosby, for the first time in the series, finally proved that his commission as Captain of the USS Penguin was fitting as he scored the first two goals in an incredibly entertaining 3-2 Pittsburgh victory over the visiting Detroit Red Wings.

Kristen Bell Would Do Naughty Things To Chris Osgood

The Stanley Cup Finals Mule Variations

Who Wants A Trophy-Shaped Cup? (Cup-Shaped Trophy?)

Ooof, Stars, That'll Leave a Mark

The NHL Closer is written by five checking-line centers from Melt Your Face Off. When we're not receiving praise for our work ethic, we're taking shots to kill the pain from blocking shots. Raskolnikov momentarily stopped playing along the boards to write this recap.

Grinders do so much good for our everyday life. They fill our stomachs, pulverize coffee beans, collect hashish powder and score goals in the most painful way possible outside of listening to Sean Avery whine about his mascara. Kris Draper scored his third goal of the playoffs 3:45 into the first period by using an archaic weapon: his chin. The mandible tally launched a three goal Detroit outburst in the period, leading to a 4-1 Red Wings victory and a Stanley Cup Finals appearance.

Penguins Return Home For Game Five, Get Back In The Habit

The NHL Closer is written by the five pillars of piety from Melt Your Face Off. When not serving the needy, sick, poor and uneducated, they can be found sneaking sips from the Baptismal Font. Weed Against Speed somehow got his hands on the keys to the Popemobile, so let's take this sucker out for a spin.

Last Rites have now been read over the Philadelphia Flyers season, on account of the 6-0 flogging they received by the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Sean Avery's Internship At Vogue Begins

I Am Jack's NHL Closer

The NHL Closer is written by the five Project Mayhem operatives at Melt Your Face-Off. Should Malkin start aiming his wristers at our eye sockets, and one of us doesn't make it out alive, you will henceforth know him as Robert Paulsen. Today, Hextall454 puts down the soap to give you the Keystone recap.

What is the First Rule of Elimination? You do not talk about Elimination, naturally. Rather than dwell on the likely inevitable, coach John Stevens ripped his lineup card into 18 pieces, threw them in the air and pieced together the remnants for a completely shuffled lineup. Vaclav Prospal joined Umberger and Lupul for some sweet checking line action, while Mike Richards got the taste of centering the top line. I swear, Sami Kapanen managed to see time on all four lines, and Patrick Thoreson returned, while Steve Downie was demoted.

A Tale Thirty-Three Years in the Making?

The NHL Closer is written by five epic heroes from Melt Your Face Off. When not slaying the monsters on goalie masks, they constantly polish their swords. Raskolnikov recounts last night's act of valor.

In 1942, the brave Toronto Maple Leafs rebounded from a 3-0 series deficit to win the Stanley Cup over the Detroit Red Wings. Thirty-three years later, the fearless New York Islanders climbed out of the same proverbial hole against the Pittsburgh Penguins. Time is like a river, and history repeats. Can the Dallas Stars succeed where the San Jose Sharks failed in the previous round? They took the first step yesterday with a 3-1 victory.

Philly Got Rolled Up, Smoked By Pittsburgh

The NHL Closer is written by five hockeyfarians from Melt Your Face Off. When not crafting paraphernalia out of a hockey stick, athletic tape and a puck (yeah, man, a puck!), they can be found hanging out, keeping it mellow and doing their thing. So kick back and relax, because Weed Against Speed has lit the incense, turned on the black light and put some Floyd on. Far out.

It's nearly impossible not to sound like a broken record here, but the Eastern Conference Finals seem to be going the way of Western Conference, with a convincing 4-1 victory by the smoking hot Pittsburgh Penguins over the dazed and confused Philadelphia Flyers. Both series are now one game away from sweeps. I reckon that could cost the NHL hundreds of dollars in lost ad revenue from all of those missing Versus broadcasts.