Deadspin
What better way to start burying our infamous 'Nightmare Ant' overlord than with another entry into the timeless "nightmare fuel" tag? Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you ... one of you newest American Gladiators ... HELLGA!
You'll have to swing by NBC to see all twelve of the Gladiators pics and bios, but be forewarned: Hellga's not even close to the scariest looking female of the bunch. (My early vote goes to Fury. Yikes!)
And oh, that male Gladiator Wolf we kept hearing about? He actually looks like a wolf! I cannot wait for this show to start!
American Gladiators Bios [NBC] (via We Are The Postmen)
Comments
She makes Chyna look do-able.
When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.
Glad to see NBC has hired Suss to write the bios.
The horrifying reign of Nightmare Ant is over! Nightmare Ant is dead...long live Nightmare Ant.
I have a rule that I won't fuck any girl who has a bigger dick than me. What?
@Camp Tiger Claw: Hahaha ...
Oh, and...maybe.
I am pretty sure I fucked that guy once, you know, before the surgery. Wait, what?
Good to see the re-emergence of East German superiority.
She was definitely in "The Mitchell Report: Uncensored".
Nightmare ladies. It just won't stop, will it, Skeets?
Good to see that the steroid industry wasn't hurt too bad by the Mitchell Report.
Goodbye, Nightmare Ant
Although we barely got to know you at all
Your twisted grin
Would haunt our nights
And make us dream our heads were that ball
Goodbye, Nightmare Ant
As commenters we are sad to see you go
Hope you're in heaven with Hedberg
Who makes you look like a little snow(man)
YES: Crush, Siren.
MAYBE: Hellga
NO: Fury, Stealth, Venom
Nightmare Ant can never die if we hold him in our hearts, and our nightmares.
Venom has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena.
Translation: Venom has finally given up on her dream of being a traditional actress and is being fitted for a helmet cam and giant foam joust stick.
God bless the writers strike.
Kristen Chenowith + Bovine growth hormone = Hellga.
Wrestling Venom can cause severe skin and eye irritation or chemical burns to broken skin. Repeated tussles with Venom can damage the liver, kidney, blood, heart, and immune and respiratory systems. Keep Venom out of the reach of children.
I am going to go with Brazil on all counts except Venom/Helga. I'd swap those two.
Wasn't there already a deaf Gladiator named Siren?
@Gourmet Spud: What?
@Brazil Thrill: You think she's a maybe? I 'unno about that, but whatever floats yer boat.
I think I like "Nightmare Ant" better than "Nightmare Pre-Op."
So, when they make the eventual special Celebrity edition, who would be the Celebrity Gladiators?
@Gourmet Spud: Remember when Carl Winslow got all buff and changed his name to Gemini?
Nightmare Ant's death takes place in the shadow of new life. Nightmare Ant isn't really dead if we find a way to remember Nightmare Ant.
/God damn it Jim, I'm a doctor
She looks like that big blond actress from the Christopher Guest movies.
Hellga is an inch shorter than me, but has 30 pounds on me.
Christ.
About Crush: "Don't let the winsome smile fool you."
That sound you hear is the footsteps of Gladiator fans rushing to find their dictionaries.
@chilltown: Michael McKean?
@crgfyb: Tables all across this great land now wobble as those dictionaries are found.
Dammit, I was hoping that was Winston JUSTICE.
@chilltown: Stifler's mom?
@chilltown: She looks like "Susan, Germany's Most Beloved Transvestite" from the SNL Jeopardy skit, played by the sorely-missed Phil Hartman.
@dk: Shit... She's 7 inches shorter than me, and we weigh about the same.
And Justice could probably start for the Knicks right now.
@chilltown: Stiffler's Mom?
Over under on sex change surgeries in this group: 2
I must say, Siren and Crush aren't bad at all.
@Brazil Thrill: Crush is an absolute yes, even if she could crush my head with her thighs. Maybe that could be fun.
Um, excuse me, I need a minute alone.
@Tuffy:
If you can rewrite it for Princess Diana, you can rewrite it for the Ant.
Great, a show featuring men and transexuals wrestling each other. Can't wait.
Fury's thighs are absolutely insane.
@FiddlingWhileJimRomeBurns: Yes, but on HGH.
Also, unlike Titan, Hellga likes the vagina.
I hope Superman can get Wolf and his Gladiator cohorts back into the Phantom Zone.
@Gourmet Spud: What?
Hellga's hiding a dinner roll cameltoe or a bulge that was too noticeable in high-def under that skirt.
@StuScott Booyahs: Let me read to you from the Mitchell Report again...
@Tuffy:
Candle in the Wind? Never mind.
@dippity sauce: If you guys thought Crush looked familiar... She's a pro MMA fighter, and has been featured in Maxim.
Honestly, I'm just saddened Pyro and Gyro weren't able to overcome their past problems to make an appearance in this incarnation of American Gladiators.
I've give it some thought, and Nightmare Ant>Nightmare Hellga.
@Camp Tiger Claw:
Would that make Mrs. Winslow Blaze?