•Between the NBA All-Star game and the Super Bowl, Dallas police are expecting six figures worth of prostitutes to flood the Metroplex. Thankfully, (tonyromo) the star athletes of the city (joshhamilton) would never (dirknowitzki) get involved with women of ill repute.

•Know the name Anze Kopitar yet? You probably should. The breakout Slovenian superstar led the Kings to a dominant victory over the Stanley Cup champions, announcing their legitimacy and teaching me that Slovenia is apparently a wholly separate country from Slovakia.

•Are the Cavs even a top three team in the east? They didn't look like it last night, falling to the Bulls. Tonight will be interesting, as they travel to New York where LeBron will see his future. (Whether that future is his team dominating opponents, or losing with the Knicks depends on your point of view.

•Baseball's hot stove league kicked off in earnest, with Jeremy Hermida going to Boston, Bobby Abreu staying in Anaheim, and Jason Bay and Matt Holliday making their intentions to blow town clear. For all those teams looking for a power bat in the outfield, let me remind you that Barry Bonds is still available.

•Here's a list of the top 10 sideline reporter bloopers. Your clear number one involves double penetration, and it's not even a Vikings sideline reporter!

•Pittsburgh safety Ryan Clark is unlikely to play Monday night in Denver, because of a rare sickle-cell trait that makes exertion in high altitudes dangerous. Should the Broncos win, expect dome teams to pump a little oxygen out of their stadiums when the Steelers come to town.

•Finally, I would be remiss in shirking my duty as a conduit for your Yankee hatred. Here's a collection of celebration videos, capped off by the most touching: a man and his crazy West Indian mother.

It's good to have him back, isn't it?

Steelers beat mistake-prone Favre, Vikings 27-17 [Philly Inquirer]
[Photo via AP]

* * * * *

It's Monday. Try not to get fired or sued this week. (Not as easy as it sounds.)

According to the Pittsburgh Tribune Review, police were at McFadden's, a bar across the parking lot from Heinz Field, when they spotted a man, now identified as Spaeth, standing next to a white SUV and urinating in public. When officers tried to give him a ticket, Reed got out of the SUV and confronted them. The rest, as they say, is history:

"The officers told him several times to get back in the vehicle, but he did not listen," Davidson said. "Mr. Reed then squared up with an officer by bringing his fists up." Officers tackled Reed and cuffed him at the scene, Davidson said.

"He smelled of a strong odor of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated," Davidson said.

You don't say? Reed was charged with simple assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public intoxication; all misdemeanor counts. Spaeth got a pee-pee ticket and both were released. And the anti-pissing-in-parking-lots gestapo win another round. Is there no justice in the world?

Steelers' kicker Reed cited for public intoxication [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]

Hines Ward says he won't follow the rule named after him and that he'll continue blocking people high. That's because Hines—who knows a little something about dangerous hits—argues that a high, brain-rattling hit is still safer than a low, knee-shredding hit:

"I'll still hit him. I'll just get fined. There's nothing I can do about it. It's either that or try to hurt somebody. So are you going to fine me, or do you want me to end someone's career? I'd rather take a fine than try to end somebody's career, so I'm not going to change.

The unfortunate thing is me being labeled that, and then the rule change came out, so it's kind of like me being singled out as the dirty guy that's in the league, a dirty offensive player. A wide receiver being dirty - I take that as a compliment.

John Madden agrees.

Hines Ward says he'd deliver crushing hit to Keith Rivers again [AP]

1. If the word Sixburgh doesn't make you nauseous… It is never, EVER, a good thing when one NFL franchise has sole possession of the record for Most Super Bowls Won. Since 2005, there has been a very comfortable three-way tie for that crown between the Steelers, Cowboys, and 49ers. This was for the best. It meant one group of fans could not take all their Super Bowl titles and Lord them over you like complete fuckheads. Trust me, when the 49ers had more Super Bowl titles than anyone, you heard about it often. And now, you will hear it over and over again from asshole Steelers fans in their Hines Ward replica jerseys and hard hats. Simply show up to any Steelers game or bar wearing the colors of another team, and you will be subjected to any number of uninvited taunts that YOUR team does not have six Super Bowl rings, and that YOUR team is not the flagship franchise of the NFL, and that YOUR team is not family-owned and does everything the right way.

Worst of all is the notion that the Steelers somehow reflect the populace of their city by playing hard-nosed, blue collar football. THEY BROUGHT THEIR LUNCH PAILS TODAY, GANG! THEY'RE SO PITTSBURGHISH! This is the biggest steaming load of eviscerated shit I've ever heard. Nearly all the steel mills in that town are gone. Find me a Steelers fan who's an actual fucking steelworker, and I'll put a unicorn in your driveway. That town was repurposed ages ago as a center for tech, banking, and ketchup distribution. It is not a tough town. It's as yuppified as fucking Portland (Oregon or Maine, take your pick), only it's stuck in the center of Pennsyltucky and everyone there is fat and smells like sticky buns.

Worst of all, most Steelers fans can't even stand to live in that fucking town anymore. There are Steelers bars all over the nation because most Steelers fans worth a shit fled that sleepy den of hellish boredom ages ago. There's nothing to do in that town except be thankful you aren't in Cleveland. And that's if the Steelers fan you know even spent ANY time in Pittsburgh. The three Steelers fans I know all grew up in Maryland. Gee, I wonder why they gravitated to the Steelers? I wonder if wanting to be front-running dipshits at age five had anything to do with it. THIS MEANS YOU, APE! AND DJ GALLO! AND MY FRIEND KEVIN, WITH WHOM YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR! J'ACCUSE!

And with this sixth title, more bandwagon jumpers are on the way. Newly minted Steelers fans think they can get away with being carpetbaggers because the Steelers are so darn "lovable". WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. Your team is not lovable, and you are fat, and I don't like you.

2. Most annoying fans at the bar? Most annoying fans at the bar. You'd think Eagles fans would have this title all sewn up. You'd be incorrect. Stop by any bar on a Sunday afternoon this fall and you will be treated to a large number of Steelers shouting out pointless shit like, "FUCKING BIG BEN!" or "HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!" or "THAT'S MY BOY, JAMES HARRISON!" It says something about a franchise when Terry Bradshaw is its most insightful representative. Steelers fans don't even bother to stop talking while they're eating. They'll just happily prattle one while chunks of fried cheese and chicken scraps simply fall out of their mouths. It's like being trapped in a bar with a five-month-old who has a pituitary problem.

And that's not even the male fans. Yes, say hello to the NFL's #1 favorite team among all women. And not just ANY women. I'm talking the loud, 300-lb., cock-blocking beastulas that are destined to one day drive retarded kids to school in the short bus. As annoying as loud fans are in the bar, they're even more annoying when they are fat, shrill women. An ugly sentiment, but true. Just one female Steelers fan in a bar is the irritant equivalent of a bachelorette party showing up and singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" in unison.

3. Daulerio hates you, Pittsburgh. Steelers Nation, you will not find a fan in the editor of this site.

AJ: I just think their six rings are overrated. They only won one legitimately, in my eyes, and that was against the Cardinals. The rest are greenies, steroids, steroids, greenies, refs. I think they're the most overrated sports dynasty in history.

Me: I like it. Your assertion is both spiteful and groundless.

AJ: Yes. And it's a shitty, shitty town. The best thing to come out of it, in my opinion, was Wonder Boys. I mean, even the governor of Pennsylvania hates Pittsburgh. That fucking airport is filled with more invalids and children than I've ever seen. They treat that people mover like it's a goddamn ferris wheel.

Me: AHAHAHAHA

AJ: And it smells like Arby's. The WHOLE fucking city smells like Arby's.

4. Somehow, they still find a way to bitch. Oh, boohoo. Neil O'Donnell cost you a Super Bowl. POOR FUCKING YOU. You should have seven titles! You're so deprived! No fanbase is more spoiled rotten than this one. Visit any Steelers message board and you will STILL find fans who don't think Ben Roethlisberger is a good QB. If the team shows any deficiency (offensive line), Steelers fan will concentrate solely on THAT aspect of the team, so that they might whine about it the whole year long. Oh no! My team isn't as flawless as I'd like it to be! DON'T YOU SYMPATHIZE? Nope. Not a lick.

5. REFS! FLUKY TITLES! SOFT SCHEDULE! COCK!

6. The Steel Curtain is the worst metaphor ever. They're curtains. They either open in the center, or they can be drawn upwards to allow you to pass through. That is the function of a curtain. It doesn't matter what material it's made from: steel, adamantium, chiffon. ALL CURTAINS ARE EASILY PENETRATED SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE DESIGNED THAT WAY. Call it the Steel Wall. Or the Steel Monolith. Call it something that connotes impenetrability. A curtain intimidates no one, retards.

7. A final SCREW YOU from the readers. JW:

Most people would probably look at the Steelers' organization with respect if it wasn't for their absolutely obnoxious fans. We know, we know…Cleveland sucks all the time, Cincinnati sucks most of the time, and Baltimore sucks half the time…save it. Just because you were cursed to be born in Pittsburgh and grew up with a team that built the Steel Curtain out of heeping doses of testosterone and bull semen, doesn't mean you're better than the rest of us degenerates born in the rust belt. You root for a winning team, but you had nothing to do with helping them win…yet somehow you think you're better than the rest of us.

Here's another secret…those terrible towels would be the gayest thing about Pittsburgh if it weren't for Kordell and all those actual steel workers.

Stay classy Pittsburgh...in the meant time; go fuck yourselves.

Graham:

1. Who's their running back? The Steelers can choose from the skinny fast guy who is always injured, or the slow 2nd year guy who's always injured, or Mewelde Moore.

2. The quarterback has bad judgment. Be it firing his skull off a car windshield without a helmet, or dipping his pen in some strange ink, nobody quite knows how to fuck up a season like Ben. Steeler fans will sit there and argue about how Ben is the greatest QB since Elway, while meanwhile the rest of the NFL fans sit there and watch Ben throw picks, fumble, fail to move the offense, and generally look like shit. He then will make one or two plays out of 60 the whole fucking game. Meanwhile, the defense constantly bails his ass out. Steelerfan: BEN YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!! If this guy played for the Chiefs, his name would be Tyler Thigpen.

3. Steeler fans. I've never seen a more arrogant fanbase that has less knowledge of the game. YAY BEN!!!!!!!!!!! (waving yellow towel) WE'RE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!! (singing some horribly gay song) KISS OUR 6 RINGS!!!!!!!!!!! (conveniently ignoring the 70s teams that were pumped so full of steroids that half of them are no longer with us) OUR PLAYERS ARE GREAT GUYS!!!!!!!!! (stupidly sitting there watching while Hines Ward cheap shots some poor guy, Santonio gets arrested, Ben gets sued and Joey Porter gets shot)

Anonymous:

Their fans are EVERYWHERE. No, seriously, everywhere. Like Starbucks locations or cockroaches. This is largely because their city is a trash pit, and anyone with any sense moves away at their earliest opportunity. To, oh, I don't know, Alaska. No matter where you go in this great nation, you're bound to not be able to throw a stick and hit some Steelers fans. (Hopefully it's a sharp stick.) Look at this list; there are ten Steelers bars in Alaska. I didn't know there were ten bars in total in Alaska. Although, now that I scroll down further, there are an awful lot of Buffalo Wild Wings locations listed as "Steelers bars." Come the fuck on.

Their colors are Black and Gold. So are the Pirates. So are the Penguins. Come on, you unimaginative fucks, there are literally hundreds of colors. The town looks like a fat, numbered bumblebee convention, all year round.

There's nothing like an 19-year-old reminiscing about the championships "we" won back when said 19-year-old was nothing more that a gleam in his unemployed, fat, coleslaw-on-a-sandwich-loving father's eye.

"One for the thumb." More like "stick a thumb in my ass while I beat off to old highlights of the Steel Curtain."

I can't believe they've won two Super Bowls with that Missing Link-looking, mouth-breathing, alleged rapist troglodyte as a quarterback.

Pat G.

Steelers fans whine about never getting any national attention probably more than any other fans do. This is because the Steelers play a rather boring style of football, like the Ravens also play. The Steelers play a low scoring defensive oriented style of football that is not particularly exciting to casual fans and doesn't yield a lot of fantasy points. No one else cares. Get over it. This is assuming this supposed lack of respect, coverage, or recognition even exists. Which I'm suspecting it doesn't since I'm pretty sure Troy Polamalu has appeared in roughly 457 commercials in the past 3 years.

The recent championships just give NBC a chance to show footage of fat women with 80s bangs shoving Primanti sandwiches into their gullets.

Joe W.

Their fans. And I'm not even talking about the chromosomally challenged towel-wavers who populate Heinz Field. These are your "Deniro and Walken in Deer Hunter" types who inhabit the purgatory of Western PA but never left the area except possibly for Vietnam and aren't actually bothering the rest of us. No, I'm talking about the Steeler fan near you who plasters the hideous black and gold stickers everywhere he can think of, from his front door to the barely-running jalopy parked in his front yard. This Steeler fan shares every sub-human, depraved trait of his confluence bretheren, but the difference is that he's actually at your stadium waving a yellow towel in your face while grinning like a crazed mongoloid. How he was able to scrape together enough change on his minimum wage salary to afford an NFL ticket or read a map well enough to find a stadium are questions that must remain unanswered. However, these people are a bane on civilized society and should be immediately rounded up and deported back to the from whence they came.

How and why did they leave in the first place? I have my theory. Much like the first amphibian crawled out of the primordial ooze and became a land dweller because it instinctively knew that there had to be something better out there, so fled the Pittsburghers from the hellhole of their birth. Unfortunately for the rest of us, this mass exodus managed to stir subconscious but strong pangs of guilt amongst the Pittsburgher (second only to hunger/gluttony but well above dignity or a desire for proper personal hygeine). In order to assuage this guilty conscience, he decided to latch on the one thing from this godforsaken shithole of a hometown that has ever met with any success whatsoever, and that would be the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yes, he supports the Steelers out of some sort of misbegotten belief that repping his hometown somehow excuses his abandonment of the fellow mouth-breathing troglodytes who he left behind. God forbid you'd ever see any of these Steeler superfans finding their way to a Pirates game...

Dave V.:

So many Pittsburgh fans are from Ohio, and they are the biggest bandwagon fans in the world. These troglodytes have never even been to Pennsylvania, and yet they adorn their overweight, uneducated bodies with gaudy yellow and black, and call themselves true Steeler fans.

Chazz:

Equally sad is the number of people who all of a sudden claimed to be "from" Pittsburgh as they pepper their speech with the "Stillers" and "Yinzes." Nine times out of 10 they live in a suburb of the city and before 2006 would rather have said they were from Philadelphia or
Islamabad before they copped to being from Pittsburgh.

Will M.:

I went to the Giants/Panthers preseason game (I'm a Panthers fan, fiancee's family have Giants season tickets and they didn't feel like sitting outside on a 90 degree night). For the entire first quarter (ie, the football that was remotely interesting) some asshat behind me was shouting "WOOOOOOOOOO SIXBURGH! GO PITTSBURGH STEELERS! STEELERS SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS! WOOOOOOOO!"

Needless to say, I wanted to stab him in the throat.

The other reason: A friend of mine is a big Pittsburgh sports fan. So he's had a good year, football and hockey wise.

However, he recently claims to have "given up on" the Pirates after years of bleeding black and blue, because they suck today. He started following the Cubs (a division rival? FUCK YOU!) and the Red Sox (FACK YOU!!!). Now, if he's willing to give up on a team he previously bled for, how serious can he be in his commitment to the Steelers? Fuck him and fuck my Steelers fan friend.

And finally, X-Ray:

I fucked a girl from Pittsburgh once. She was a Steelers fan. She was cockeyed and smelled like Rolling Rock and failure.

I think that's a fitting way to close out this series. Get your hate on, people. The NFL starts this week.

The event took place in 2006, but the pictures have just now begun circulating are now causing the police department a lot of very deserved grief. (The photos were mailed anonymously to the Philadelphia Daily News.) Not only is the event itself a questionable move—private citizens wasting police ammunition at a time when real officers were forced to ration—but the photos show players violating pretty much every imaginable rule of gun safety. They're firing weapons without ear or eye protection, handling rifles away from the firing line, and even pointing guns directly at their teammates' heads as they pose like "gangsters" for ridiculous photos.

Worst of all, sources familiar with the event say that some of the guns used were illegals assault weapons taken from the evidence room. In addition to being both against the law and highly unethical, use of such weapons could have compromised the cases they were a part of. Police critics are furious.

"It's a state police firing range used for state police to train. When we're there, it's downright military," said one state police official, who requested anonymity. "But at this event, it's chaos. Everybody's throwing contraband assault weapons around like they're toys; it's like they're having G.I. Joe tryouts. Not only is this totally unethical, but it's totally illegal."

A police spokeswoman said these types of "gun safety" events happen all time. Even Girl Scouts do it! She denied the more serious allegations of using illegal weapons and wasting police ammunition, but the pictures seems to indicate otherwise. An evidence tag can be seen on one of the guns and boxes of police-issued bullets are clearly visible in others. Police say the Steelers requested a gun safety course, but it appears they got the worst-supervised training session ever.

At the Daily News' request, a National Rifle Association-certified training counselor and firearms instructor examined the photographs and detected multiple "dumb and dangerous" safety violations.

"The photos show generally unsafe gun-handling techniques," said Paul Raynolds, a chief range-safety officer from North Jersey. "The players look to be poorly supervised. Basic firearm-safety rules are not being followed." ....

"Here," he added, referring to the group portrait, "you have [a player] pointing this straight at his [another player's] skull. [Other players] are pointing the gun directly at the other guy and the cameraman. That's just negligent beyond belief."

The players pictured include Ike Taylor, James Harrison, Max Starks, James Farrior, Brett Keisel, as well as former Steelers Najeh Davenport and Joey Porter. The NFL has a policy against anyone carrying guns when representing the team or league, but it's not clear if this would qualify. What is clear is that Joey Porter should really not let untrained goofballs points gun at his head. Even Tony Montana knows better than that.

Targets of criticism [Philadelphia Daily News]

UPDATE: The good folks at PSAMP have jogged our memory and pointed out that these photos have actually been on the internet for months. (Including Deadspin. Oops.) But it does appear that the News was the first to report on the connection between the photos and the State Police, who are the real target of their story.

The author of the piece, Dana Difillipo, spoke to Deadspin and says there was some internal debate about running the photos since they were so old, but sports editors at the paper suggested that it was still news, saying "look at all the steroid stories coming out." Also, the source was definitely someone with an axe-to-grind against the state police, but "just because someone has a shady motive doesn't mean it's not news."

As for her use of the phrase "gangster poses," she says, "Well, what would you call them?" Well ... um ... I'm stumped on that one, actually.

What Is Philly.com Trying To Prove? [PSAMP]

But one question remains unanswered: which Ben Roethlisberger does the Ben Roethlisberger look-alike look like? Pre-motorcycle accident or post-?

Wait, one more question remains unanswered: who would want sperm from a Ben Roethlisberger look-alike?

(Hello, Deadspin. My name is Alex Pareene. I grew up in Minnesota, which means everyone I've ever rooted for has been a loser, with the exception of Kirby Puckett. Every Christmas my mom decorates the tree in purple and gold. It's tragic. Last night I went out and got drunk at a Mekons show, and then when I got home, there was Canadian football on the TV, and so, of course, I continued drinking well into the early morning. That is your customary "hello, I'm hungover this morning" introductory statement.)

The complainant is Andrea McNulty, a employee of the Harrah's Casino in Lake Tahoe, where Roethlisberger has been on more than one occasion for celebrity golf tournaments. (Now just put "allegedly" in front of every sentence you read from here on out.) In July 2008, she was working as a "concierge" on the penthouse floor and had several friendly interactions with the football player, whom she had been instructed to keep happy while he stayed in the hotel. (That's what a concierge does, after all.) She claims that one night he asked her to come to his room to look at his broken television and when she got there, she discovered there was nothing wrong with the TV.

She claims that, as she tried to leave the room, Roethlisberger blocked her path, and that he "grabbed [her] and started to kiss her."

She claims that she was "shocked and stunned that this previously friendly man, that appeared to be a gentleman in her previous contacts with him was suddenly preventing her from leaving, was assaulting and battering her."

McNulty admits that she didn't try to fight Roethlisberger, citing his size and strength. She claims that she "communicated her objection and lack of consent," and that he nevertheless began "fondling [her] through her dress and between her legs."

She claims that he pushed her onto the bed, and despite her alleged protests he "pulled her underpants off and proceeded to penetrate her."

If true, that's absolutely disgusting. But there's way more to the story. There are eight other defendants in the lawsuit, most of them current or former employees of the hotel who McNulty is accusing of defaming her; either by refusing to believe her story, spreading misinformation about her, or actively helping to cover up Roethlisberger's conduct after the fact. These charges would probably be in reference to this story, reported by TMZ, that McNulty received psychiatric care because of a separate incident with another married man.

McNulty's complaint does state that she received treatment as a result of her encounter with the quarterback, but one source says that is not the real reason. The story TMZ is telling is that she became involved with a married man, whose wife began emailing McNulty pretending to be a soldier stationed in Iraq. McNulty "fell in love" with the imaginary soldier and when the wife stopped the correspondence, she began telling people he had been killed in action. According to the source, that was the incident that led her to seek help.

So where does that leave us? It has become standard practice in cases like this to make the accuser look like a deranged slut, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's all there. McNulty did not file a police report after the original incident, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's lying. For every rich celebrity athlete that someone might want to tear down, there are plenty of other people ready to do anything to keep him propped up. These things are always messy and the unfortunate "especially Andrea McNulty" quote from Ben's lawyer is just the tip of the iceberg.

Pro Football Talk is absolutely owning the story (ESPN is still silent) so stick with them for frequent updates.

Bizarre Twist in Roethlisberger Assault Case [TMZ]
In Roethlisberger case, it's important to keep an open mind [PFT]

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

I came across these pics on facebook of mitch berger absolutely getting plastered in vegas. You can see him going vertical on a bottle of goose, humping chicks from behind, and even gay dancing with a guy. Found it pretty funny, publish it if you want

(Ed. Note: Okay! Here we go...)

First Grind A Lady...

Then Grind A Dude...

Then Grind Some Strippers...

Make A Funny Face...

Now Bring It On Back...

I'm Afraid That Photo Does Not Exist, But Your Email Is Tremendous

Dudes,

Buffalo Sabres owner Tom Golisano is dating Monica Seles. I don't even think you really have to do anything funny.

You should put up a pic of him fuckin her stabbed back.

Sir, Your Nightmare Fuel Recipe Is Quite Potent

Deadspin,

Here is the mascot for the Japanese National Games who is shown participating in each event. Well this one looks funny. A bird shooting a clay pigeon.

But another great shot is if you put this picture on the left.

And then this one on the right.

As is shown on this page, on the right side of the pictures about 2/3rds the way down.

I Think She Has Potential

Good afternoon,

Please send information regarding becoming a writer for your site.

Thank you!

YES!

About 150 five-year olds from Virginia had scheduled the tour months ago and they had all worked many long hours sewing wallets to earn the $20 needed for a seat on the chartered bus. They even managed to pass the security screening for visitors, although I'm sure at least a few of them were criminals. Yet, when the bus got stuck in traffic and arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. just 10 minutes late, the President himself ordered that they be thrown off the premises, then he went and had brandy and cigars with a bunch of football players. Then he kicked a puppy just to hear it whimper.

Paty Stine said the White House staff should have made an exception. She feels the kindergarteners were snubbed for the Steelers.

"Here we have President Obama and his administration saying here we are for the common, middle class people, and here he is not letting 150 5- and 6-year-olds into the White House because he's throwing a lunch for a bunch of grown millionaires," Stine said.

According to the White House, the group was actually an hour late and they held the gates open 15 minutes later than they said they would and the group still didn't make it in time. Whatever. It's clear that Barack Obama loves Troy Polamalu more than he loves your kid. Now they know how Cardinal fans feel.

Sobbing Kindergarteners Snubbed for Steelers? [NBC Washington]

Davenport was visiting a family member in a Pittsburgh suburb yesterday, when he left his 1970 Chevy Impala running outside. Twenty-two-year-old Rodney Green saw an opportunity, jumped inside and took off. But Davenport jumped in an SUV (a dump truck was sadly unavailable) and gave chase. The man demands his justice.

The chase ended when Green crashed into four parked cars and tried to flee on foot, but was "detained" by Davenport and several other witnesses until police arrived. I bet he looked good doing it too. The Impala, unfortunately, was no more.

Davenport told WTAE Channel 4 Action News reporter Shannon Perrine that he worked in a store to save $500 to buy the car when he was 15, but has since invested $35,000 to customize and restore it....

"That car was totaled in the front. It was a nice car," said neighbor Leonard Heinz.

Yeah, it was a nice car ... for him to po.... aww, nevermind.

Former Steeler Davenport Chases Down Car Thief In Carrick [WTAE]
NAJEH. DAVENPORT. CAR. CHASE. [Mondesi's House]
Former Steeler Player Involved In Chase, Suspect Crashes Into Parked Cars [KDKA]

No, in a follow-up interview with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Harrison says the whole thing has been blown out of proportion but he still says he's not going. HOWEVAH. This apparently isn't about politics, Obama's front-running, Bush, 9/11 or any other conspiracies corroborating Harrison's perceived political agenda or even his dumbfounding ignorance. Nope:

A well-placed source, however, later revealed the real reason for Harrison's reluctance to make the trip: He has a fear of flying and is a "wreck" whenever he must take team flights

.

Really. Still, that didn't stop Harrison from reverting to the third person and spouting off some other gem-filled quotes when he confronted the press corps after Steelers practice:

Silverback spoketh :

"Hey, James ain't changed," Harrison responded. "I guess my profile did but I didn't change. I'm not going because I don't want to go."

He added, seemingly in a joking manner, that the White House is not in the safest area of Washington, D.C.

"It's not a good neighborhood over there either," Harrison said. "It's a bad neighborhood."

Harrison said he was surprised at the reaction to his declining an offer to visit the White House.

"They're making a big deal out of this: 'Oh, my, James Harrison is not going to the White House, he must be a devil worshiper!'"

And then our of nowhere George Brett stormed into the locker room and yelled "Fuck you and fuck them!"

Fear of Flying Is Why Harrison Will Skip White House Visit [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

In an interview with Pittsburgh's WTAE-TV, Harrison went been there-done that when asked about the traditional Super Bowl Champions visit to the White House. "No big deal," he said. And then he added this:

"If you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. So as far as I'm concerned he would have invited Arizona if they had won."

He's right! Had Santonio Holmes' toes not grazed the corner of the end zone in the final minute of play, the Arizona Cardinals would have been invited to the White House. The nerve of that Obama guy.

Harrison continued:

"I don't feel the need to actually go," he said of the visit with President Obama. "I don't feel like it's that big a deal to me."

And this is the line that really set people off. How can you, as a proud black man, James Harrison, not want to go meet President Obama? You are a disappointment to your race. Bear in mind that Harrison also didn't make the trip to the White House in 2006. So it's not an Obama thing but more of a White House thing. Maybe he had a bad experience during a middle school class trip or he doesn't like wearing suit?

And remember back in 2006 it wasn't Harrison's snub of the visit that made news (most likely because it was Bush and probably because nobody asked him) but, as Mondesi's House reminds us, Joey Porter's wayward mouth that had Steelers flacks red in the face:

"Yeah, I got something to say to Bush, I'm going to have a swagger when I walk in there, too. I'm looking forward to it. I have something to tell him, too. I don't like the way things are running right now. I feel like he has to give me some of my money back, so I got something to tell Bush."

Porter actually said nothing to President Bush that day. So much for that famous Peezy swagger. And as this latest "controversy" generates more press, we'll most likely see a similar reconsideration from Harrison this time around. Doesn't he know that Obama appointed Dan Rooney ambassador to Ireland? He can practice his diplomacy skills on Harrison.

James Harrison Plays For Pittsburgh But Won't Be Going To Pennsylvania Avenue [USA Today]
Steelers' Harrison Won't Visit Obama [ESPN]
Steelers Will Visit Whitehouse Sans Silverback [Mondesi's House]

I think this video combines everything that is wrong with America into one crazy stew that somehow comes out tasting delicious. Let's review all that is going on here. The guy's name is Dr. Bummer. He's a gynecologist. He has a Steelers jersey that he personalized with his own name in the cheapest DIY way imaginable. He chose to wear said jersey on national television. He miraculously gets chosen to come on down and then decides to bid "69 dollars" in the opening game. And as the ultimate icing on the cake, he wins. The only thing that could have made it better is if he had performed an ultrasound on the pregnant "Barker's Beauty." (I still call them that.)

This is not a great advertisement for the state of Pennsylvania, the Steelers organization, or the field of gynecology, but it is pretty amusing. Unfortunately, I think his malpractice insurance premiums are about to go through the roof.

DR. Bummer a Gynecologist from Pittsburgh bids $69 on THE PRICE IS RIGHT! [YouTube]
Steelers Fan Gynecologists Are Funny, 15 Years Old [PSAMP]

They were going to call it the Warren Sapp Rule in 2007, the last time a high-profile crackback precipitated talk of an NFL rule change. Now Sapp is off the hook, and Hines Ward gets his moniker attached to the controversial play in which a hapless, unsuspecting player is ambushed with a vicious block, usually during a change of possession. Ward's laying out of Bengals' linebacker Keith Rivers in October, which resulted in a broken jaw and Rivers' missing the rest of the season, is again the subject of debate at the NFL meetings going through Wednesday at Dana Point, Calif.

Whatever ... as long as they don't make it illegal in basketball.

"As we stand here today, we say it's a good football play," Steelers president Art Rooney II said of Ward's block. "Too bad the guy got hurt, but it's a good football play. It's been in the game forever. We want to see how they present it."

So, a big point of contention here among those who say it's the cheapest of cheap shots and want to see it banned (or, at least the type of crackback where the player leads with his helmet), and those who say that it's a slippery slope, and what's next? Outlawing tackling all together?

Oh well, at least they had the comedy stylings of Condoleeza Rice to keep the things from getting too contentious.

Meanwhile, another idea up for approval is moving the NFL draft from April to late February (to which Jets fans responed: "Boooooo!").

Other stuff up for review:

• Expanding the regular season to 17 games (a new loss record for the Lions to shoot for!).

• The Houchuli Rule (what every official aspires to: A rule change in honor of one of your screwups).

• Change in overtime rules (shootouts?).

I'm just glad that during a major recession, when the NFL laid off 150 of its staff of 1,100, the league still finds the cash to hold its meeting here.

Rooney Not Sold On Rule Change [Tribune Review]
A Point Of Clarification For Our Friends In The Media [Pro Football Talk]
Owners Might Consider Moving NFL Draft To Late February [Pro Football Weekly]

The Pitt-Happy deviant at Mondesi's House had Davenport's "Model Mayhem" profile sent to him. It reveals Najeh's softer side and he's humbled and ready to start the next chapter in his life:

I've been a professional athlete for the pass 7 years, and right now this is the next stage. I really hope to learn the business from meeting more people through the site, to help me further my career.

Yes. By the looks of his portfolio, he's still got a little work to do. He needs a nifty nickname for some of his model poses, like...

Brown Steel

The Poolander

Enjoy yourselves.

Najeh Is Now A Male Model [Mondesi's House]

It seems that earlier that fateful evening, Reed made a "scheduled appearance" at a nice little place called Castle Pub in Ebensburg, PA. One hundred and fifty Steeler fans paid an $8 cover to meet the legendary kicker/party man in person and ... get this ... he was already drunk when he showed up!

Black and gold fans who showed up to see Steelers kicker Jeff Reed at the Castle Pub in Ebensburg on Friday Feb. 13 said he was late and visibly drunk....

Marisa Slaventa said, "They said something about being at IUP [Indiana University of Pennsylvania, just up the road] before they came. They didn't know where that was and now they were in Ebensburg and ready to party"...

Reed was reportedly refusing to sign autographs and only dancing and taking shots with girls at the bar.

Many fans like Slaventa and Ropp left the bar disappointed.

What? You shelled out eight smackers for a guaranteed chance to see Jeff Reed in person at a place with its own liquor license—what did you expect was going to happen? A PowerPoint presentation on special teams strategy? You paid your money to watch him do kamikazes with young women, whether you knew it or not, and frankly ... you won that hand, cowgirl.

In fact, maybe he smashed that poor towel dispenser later in the evening because he was disappointed in you? Did you ever think of that?

Pittsburgh Steeler Disappoints Local Fans At Cambria County Bar [WJAC]
[Photo via Busted Coverage]

If you don't remember, the Steelers jocose placekicker acted out of character two Saturdays ago by throwing a terrible towel temper tantrum at the Sheetz in New Alexandria, Pennsylvania. The bathroom was out of paper towels at 3 in the morning. Naturally, this was just cause to bitch out the employee behind the counter. Monday he pleaded guilty to criminal mischief and operating under the influence of puffy nipples, both misdemeanors.

I happened to be in the area, driving right past that very gas station. (See, when I'm not writing for this sports blog, there's also a full time, actual job that pays the bills, wherein I write for a sports blog under the pseudonym "Michael David Smith.") There was only one Sheetz in the hamlet of New Alexandria, so it wasn't difficult to find.

But first, a side note on Sheetz. We don't have them on the swampy side of Ohio or in Michigan, but holy shit, what a great concept. It's not that just because the food is amazing — although it is — but that it's available 24 hours a day and there's a variety beyond the normal gas station frightening pre-wrapped "sandwiches." (Hard boiled eggs AND chicken sandwiches? Fuck dieting!) If there were Sheetzes across the country, society would probably crumble as we know it, for everyone would fall into one of three different states of mind at any time: eating food from Sheetz, looking forward to eating food from Sheetz, and pooping. And in many cases, all three states will happen simultaneously.

Now then. The centerpiece of Mr. Reed's vandalism occurred in the bathroom, a room which most gas stations already neglect enough. So I just had to find out in what condition the bathroom was.

The hardest part, though, was finding an opportunity to take a picture inside the bathroom. With so much traffic — again, the food is heavenly but it will admittedly do that to you — it required patience (read: "circling around the candy aisle") until I surmised the room was empty. Once I thought it was vacant ... oh, wait, there's an 8-year-old in there. Having that little dude tell his mom that "there's a man with a beard and a camera" inside the restroom probably isn't what I'm going for. (Although that would give me a chance to meet the officer who cited Jeff Reed.)

Finally the coast was clear, and here's what I witnessed:

Conclusions we can draw:

• Well, they both work. I think that's a new gas station record for "quickest maintenance on a bathroom facility."

• I can understand if one was empty, but ... both of them? Really? They were at least full when I visited, although that's because it was dinnertime on a Tuesday. Still, to see two towel dispensers and have both full of nothing but oxygen might even make me a little pissed. I can empathize with Reed a little. On the other hand...

• ...Dude, there's a hand dryer right between the towel dispensers. What this means is there was a fucking hand dryer right between the towel dispensers. Does he hate modern technology? It's not like he could miss it. It's right between the two metaphorical goalposts, and he's actually a reliable kicker. So I can understand if Mike Vanderjagt couldn't locate the hand dryer, wondering how the hell he can wipe his hands off with the condom machine.

• (Not pictured) While the towels were in great shape, one of the two urinals was out of order. I can probably safely assume this was due to Byron Leftwich wandering into that same restroom the very next day, getting unruly and finally complaining that the cake inside the urinal tasted terrible.

• 75 cents for one condom? Well, hell, if I was made of money like that, I could buy a higher quality hooker that didn't require protection.

I was going to rummage around and try to score an interview with an employee, but it was rather busy. Plus, I remembered the primary reason I got into Internet sportswriting in the first place: to be neither seen nor heard. You can always tell a Milford man.

Oh, wait ... I mean he went to William & Mary, which is equally shocking. Also, the man has not aged. Don't let the fly "Kid 'N Play" high top fade fool you. The man is a sentient football-coaching robot. With a fantastic barber. If any Cardinals fans would like to go back in time and pull a Sarah Conner on his family, take this with you.

Anyway, I've been offline for two days. Did I miss anything? I'm trust that Pete's first solo flight was uneventful, with no large, controversial news stories to speak of. So let's take a look at today's slate of footba... oh. Right.

....sigh....

Actually, we've got NHL at 12:30, an NBA double-header at 1:00 and I'm sure we can find a college hoops game or something in there. Plus, I think today may be a good day to dump all the stuff piling up in my inbox that I didn't have the time or the heart to post during the week.

We're all in this together.

Fact: Santonio Holmes made more than $2 million this season. Fact: The federal government just bailed out General Motors to the tune of $9.4 billion. So, why is GM giving Holmes an $85,000 Cadillac Escalade Hybrid Platinum, which has been, in effect, purchased by the taxpayers?

From the New York Daily News:

Breaking from recent tradition, there was no Cadillac on the field Sunday night during the Super Bowl awards ceremony and no Cadillac in the hotel ballroom Monday for the MVP news conference. Usually the MVP marks off on a board which car he wants. There was no board, either. It was all done in private.

There was no mention of Cadillac or of Holmes winning the car at the news conference. It was at the request of Cadillac, commissioner Roger Goodell told the Daily News Monday. When asked if Cadillac asked not to be mentioned, he said, "Yes."

Of course there's also a good chance that Santonio's new Cadillac was assembled by some of the 22,000 GM hourly workers who were just offered buyouts; with inevitable layoffs soon to follow.

Cadillac realizes how screwed up this is; it wasn't even at the Super Bowl. Their reasoning for going ahead with the car prize, it seems, is that they consider the federal money a loan, and not a bailout. Of course there's no telling what could happen with the economy in the immediate future; GM could end up being a chain of Chinese restaurants. But Holmes will still have the goddamned car that we paid for.

Why didn't GM opt out of its contract with the NFL?

"Given the current business environment, it was much more appropriate we not do that," Cadillac spokeswoman Joanne Krell said in a phone interview. "We made the decision not to actively participate in the Super Bowl. We congratulate the MVP, it is a great achievement. We are very sensitive to the federal assistance loan we have received and we want to carry on our fiduciary responsibility. The Super Bowl was not a place for us to be this year. That is not to say it's not a great platform."

So here's the deal, Holmes: I get the Cadillac on alternate Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can have Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Friday is first-come-first-serve, and Utah gets it on Sunday for church.

Cadillac Opts To Keep MVP Prize Quiet [New York Daily News]

Here's the crazy thing—it seems that the people of Pittsburgh are actually kind of proud of this. It was originally written back in 1995 by Roger Wood, a man that for reasons that escape me, is some sort of hero to self-publishing musicians in the Western PA basin. He updates the lyrics every now and then to reflect the changing roster, but the one thing that doesn't change is the greasy funk he's laying down and (unless this is part of some elaborate joke) the Steeler Nation loves to sing along.

Thankfully, I've never heard it before now, because I can't that catchy hook out of my brain pan. Don't get me wrong—I love a horribly amateur team song as much as the next guy. (I think I've still got my cassette copy of "Tiger Spirit" around here somewhere. And the Lions fight song? Whoooo boy... ) But the level of song writing on display here is truly remarkable. How many fight songs do you know of that contain verses about settling for a field goal?

Steeler Song Downloads [Steelers Fever]
'Here We Go' — Steelers catchy fight song is in need of changes [Post-Gazette, background circa 2006]

• Love Hurts. Here is our own J-Money, who is not taking the Cardinal loss well at all. You know things are bad when the only way you can express your feelings is through a Nazareth song. Quote: "For the record I don't always look like a preteen boy." [YouTube]

• Come On Pittsburgh, You're Barely Trying. "Police arrested more than 100 people for failing to disperse, at least one for arson, and two others for drunken driving. Couches and several garbage containers were set on fire." [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

• Commercial Appeal. The original kid from the Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial gives his opinion on the new version that aired yesterday. [KDKA2]

• The TV Ratings Are In ... and they're about 6 percent down from last year. That's what happens when you don't tell people there's going to be a porn clip. [The Live Feed]

• Yeah, Yeah, Six Super Bowl Trophies. We Know. This is already getting tiresome, and it's only Monday. [RSW Blog]

Not saying that the last play by Warner was or wasn't an incomplete pass, but did officials actually look at the replay? Couldn't God have thrown a red flag from the heavens? [YouTube]

The thing is, you, I and everyone else on earth thought this game was over midway through the third quarter, and, all told, probably at halftime. That would have been much worse than this, I think. If the Buzzsaw's one Super Bowl appearance had ended in irrelevance, and pointlessness, and obvious inferiority, it would have justified what everyone else had said. The Charles Pierces of the world would have been right. We shouldn't have been here in the first place. We were just some dumb fluke that everyone could forget about. We were not like you, like your pain. Like everybody's pain.

See, in a way, losing this way — in the most soul-crushing, sweet-God-what-a-game-holy-frack-where's-something-tall-to-jump-off? fashion possible — justifies it all. The Buzzsaw were not going to lose a Super Bowl the way the Falcons did, or the Chargers. That would be pedestrian. That would be dumb. That would make the whole thing seem silly.

No, losing like this makes it all worthwhile. This was not a 27-7 shellacking, the Steelers simply piddling out the clock as everyone prepares for work tomorrow. Losing like this, after a shocking comeback, after a Yes This Team Is What We Had Hoped For And Dreamed About After All fourth quarter, lends gravitas to it. Now, the Buzzsaw is not the obvious doormat of the professional sports industrial complex. We now have some tragedy. We now have some pain. Real pain.

It feels all right. It feels raw, and throbbing, and palpable. It feels what it feels like to be a sports fan. It feels like I cheer for a team that matters. It feels like we've got some hair on our chest now. We couldn't really compare ourselves to the Bills before, or the Browns, those franchises who have come close enough to taste the nectar. Now we can. Now we've had some actual suffering. It's not just a dull slow ache. We've actually bled.

And you know what? I'm grateful. I'm grateful for Kurt Warner, and Ken Whisenhunt, and Anquan Boldin, and Larry Fitzgerald. I'm grateful for Aeneas Williams, and Jake Plummer, and Adrian Wilson. I'm grateful that, tonight, being a fan of the Arizona Cardinals actually meant something. I'm grateful that we did not fade. I'm grateful that it didn't just fizzle out. I'm grateful that it really hurt.

Fourth Quarter

10:16 — So ... wow. I got nothin' left to say. It's been two straight years of teams I don't care about, but two fan-freakin'-tastic finishes. I'd better duck out of here before one of the Actual Editors makes another post, rendering this one outdated and passé. There. I'm done. Fantastic game. I might even consider buying gold and then selling it to CASH4GOLD just because of the exemplary work displayed by McMahon and Hammer tonight. Thanks for playing alone, gang. See everyone for the next mostly-important sporting event.

10:12 — My friend says that she doesn't think Santonio Holmes's right toe ever touched the ground on that touchdown. Really? I didn't think there was any dispute on that, but I'm sure we'll all be hearing about it in the coming days with conspiracy theories and "get over it" mantras from both sides. It'll be fantastic!

10:11 — If I knew how to text message, I'd probably give the MVP to James Harrison. Think about it ... without his play, the Cardinals win. Then again, without any one of those touchdowns, Arizona wins. Without Jeff Reed's field goal and PATs, Arizona wins. But James Harrison had the best individual play of the game, so I say he wins.

10:10 — And the Gatorade color prop bet ... YELLOW.

10:08 — So this is great. The ruling is that Warner fumbled the ball, but if they review it, then ... no, they're not going to review it. Steelers win their sixth. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SEEING WHAT YOU EXPECT TO SEE HAPPEN IN FOOTBALL? YES!

10:07 — A pass in the middle to Arrington, and there's the final timeout. But look, they've got much better field position and the desperation throw in the end zone isn't of a Colorado-Kordell Stewart length.

10:05 — And heeeere weee gooo the other way ... Fitzgerald hauls in a decent catch, and with 22 seconds left, AZ calls their second timeout.

10:05 — Michaels mutters something about needing a huge return. And .. an average return by Arrington.

10:00 — Oh, so THERE'S your Wheaties box. Holmes toes the sideline with both feet. That's a legit catch. Touchdown Stillers. BUT WILL THE REVIEW oh come on, there's no way that wasn't a touchdown. Get out of the peep show booth, McAulay.

23 27

9:59 — First down ... RIGHT through Holmes' arms. That would have been a Wheaties box cover had he snagged that.

9:58 — That's all of PIttsburgh's timeouts. 49 seconds left.

9:57 — WOW. Holmes runs down the sideline, finds a seam inside, and it's first and goal.

9:56 — Large Ben scrambles but doesn't scramble far. [Witty pun involving breakfast scrambles] Steelers call timeout and there's 1:02 left.

9:55 — Nate Washington makes another first down, but he is brought down in bounds. They're at midfield.

9:55 — Cardinals blitz, Pittsburgh blocks 'em all, and Holmes catches the first.

9:53 — Roethlisberger throws one more down the field that's batted away before the two-minute warning.

9:52 — 2003 MAC Championship phantom nightmares again. Holy shit, Roethlisberger is covered in Crisco.

9:51 — Why not start the drive with a holding call? Sounds apt.

9:49 — So it appears that this Larry Fitzgerald man is a fine wide receiver, but ... CAN HE DANCE?

9:48 — !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 20

Let's just throw this last factoid out of the way before we get to the important shit:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL MMMXXXVII — The HondaTown (formerly Detroit) Lions, three thousand years after becoming the first (and still only) team to lose 16 games in a regular NFL season, win the franchise's first Super Bowl. Quarterback-droid ORLOVSKY ran a series of computer applications that displayed on his side monitor, "IF LIONS(X) > OTHERTEAM(X), THEN GO TO DISNEYWORLD." The Lions were finally able to break through after every other NFL franchise sent the majority of their resources to fight the second 500-year robot war. Wide receiver-droid CALVIN was fined by the NFL for celebrating a touchdown by loading a game of FreeCell in his auxiliary mainframe.

9:44 — Of COURSE they converted the first down. You can just tell this will ... wait, holding in the end zone? Jesus flag-waving Christ, they're starting to use Terrible Towels for penalty calling now. That'll be a safety and a ... wait, any other penalties they want to call? Maybe they should do a legal uniform pants check and assess some 5-yarders.

16 20

9:43 — Wow, I'm sure everyone not wearing a Pittsburgh #39 jersey thought that was a safety ... but they're ruling Parker escaped out of the end zone. 3rd and 10.

9:42 — It's 1st and 99 to go for Pittsburgh. Seems inevitable that the Steelers get a first down somehow.

9:41 — Penalty on James Harrison ... or MMA tryout tape?

9:39 — Incomplete on 3rd and 20. Probably not a wise choice for victory conditions. Time to punt.

9:37 — We were due for an Arizona penalty. It's been so long.

9:36 — Huge play to Steve Breaston. Remember when the Cardinals were mathematically eliminated from this game? That was two Clydesdale commercials ago!

9:35 — Ike Taylor lays down some illegal swagger on Anquan Boldin after the first down, so that's about a total of 25 yards in the Arizonan direction.

• Pepsi Max/MacGruber — I thought Hulu was the sole place where they dumped their crappy SNL skits. I was misinformed.

9:32 — Silly quarterback, throwing the checkdown to Heath Miller. He can't block for himself! (Or can he? Madden?) So they punt and Arizona has five and a half minutes — PLENTY of time — to take the lead.

9:31 — Darnell Dockett wants you to text his name for MVP. He records his second sackle of the night.

• Hulu — Eh, now that the entire country knows about the website, it is no longer cool to watch. Especially since they took down their free copy of The Big Lebowski.

9:28 — Please vote for your Super Bowl MVP now. NownownownowNOW. Now, back to the eight minutes left in the game that will decide the winner.

9:25 — Well, look at that. The jump ball for Larry Fitzgerald makes this game suddenly worth watching. Quick pan to Fitzgerald's dad, who is not impressed. Oh, what does your son have to do to win your journalistic affection?

14 20

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL XXXVI — The New England Patriots defeat the St. Louis Rams, becoming the first expansion team to win the Super Bowl. Patriots fans are elated that they "finally have an NFL team" and "expect to win a championship every year," until such a time at which the Patriots stop winning Super Bowls and Boston reverts back to "really more of a baseball town."

9:21 — Fitzgerald validates the last two weeks of feature stories about him with his second catch of the night. (And his third.)

9:20 — Hey, J.J. Arrington. I think I remember that guy. First and ten inside the 30-yard line.

• Coke Zero and Troy Polamalu — Ah, parody. Had he thrown the guy's pants and not his shirt, I give them a better rating.

• Cash4Gold.com — Ed McMahon and MC Hammer in the same commercial? Are you guys fucking kidding me? For a gold consolidation commercial? I'm sorry, but YOU GUYS WIN THE AWARD! THAT WAS AMAZING!!!

9:16 — Darnell Dockett finally grabs Ben Roethlisberger like a bag of tortilla chips and throws him to the ground like a bag of light tortilla chips. The punt return goes about zero yards, since Steve Breaston was immediately tackled like a bag of lime potato chips.

9:13 —Defensive holding? Maybe there's time for me to make a bingo card strictly for penalties that Arizona has committed tonight. (Seriously. They RAN OVER THE FUCKING HOLDER. I have never seen that.)

9:10 — And there's the punt, and it's fairly short, giving the Steelers a short field. Anyone have any chicken wings left?

9:08 — Really? A first down for the Cardinals without a holding call? Well, if they say so, then I guess it'll stand as ... ah, there's the flag.

9:07 — Did they run out of new commercials? Please say yes.

Third Quarter

9:04 — Riveting stuff about Kurt Warner wearing gloves, as opposed to not wearing gloves, which dates back to whenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:03 — Arizona's got the ball again, and they still need two touchdowns. Probably time for another:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL VII — Not at all foreboding the comically dangerous play that would occur at the end of the game, during halftime Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian successfully constructs the entire board game Mouse Trap without any issues or spills. He left the locker room forgetting to take his bucket full of water from the top shelf, which hovered above a power outlet of frayed wires and a picture of his beloved black cat. No one was injured.

• Coca-Cola — Ha! Ha! Insects can't have caffeine.

9:00 — Something something football. But first, these sponsors.

• Careerbuilder.com — That one really pulled out all the stops. Did ... did I see a koala with glasses and a cup of coffee getting punched? All right, boys, you get a nine. Hats off.

8:57 — And they force a much shorter field goal. This time, they'll instruct their special teamers not to treat holders like trampolines. Reed's field goal makes it 20-7, like it should've been all along.

7 20

8:56 — Did you see that ball leave Antrel Rolle's hands? That was Arizona's next-to-last chance at making this game interesting.

8:53 — Jeff Reed kicks the field goal. Add three points to the ah, ha, just kidding. Roughing the holder on the Cardinals. (Roughing the holder?) First and goal.

8:51 — After that block, Heath Miller drops the pass. But he made that great block two players earlier, so it's OK.

8:50 — Willie Parker runs far to the right, giving John Madden the perfect opportunity to compliment a tight end. (Like he needs an excuse to.)

8:48 — Hell, I'll say it again, because I'm out of pride at this point: Slant-onio! LOL!!

8:47 — Every once in a while, I have phantom flashbacks of Ben Roethlisberger avoiding rushing Bowling Green Falcons linebackers in the 2003 MAC Championship. I just had one as Roethlisberger danced around the pocket, threw the ball out of bounds, and drew the roughing penalty. MAKE IT STOP.

8:44 — That's a 15-yard penalty on Rodgers-Cromartie-Howard-Fine-Howard.

8:43 — Did the Cardinals punt? It looked like the Cardinals punted during The Rock's movie ad.

8:43 — Look, there's Cuba Gooding, Jr. He was in a movie that mentioned the Arizona Cardinals. And look, the Arizona Cardinals!

8:42 — We've gotten to the point in the ads where Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stars in a kids thriller. Probably time for:

Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable

SUPER BOWL I — With a new trophy and a new championship game, engravers accidentally etch Green Bay Packers' coach Vince Lombardi's name not in the designated "winning coaches" spot, but in the "name of trophy" space. Nobody corrected this engraving error and is still there to this day.

8:40 — We just dropped in to tell you it was a forward pass. Now, back to the ads.

• Coca-Cola — You know, I've never tried to pick up a girl by offering a soft drink. Something tells me it doesn't work anymore.

• Denny's And Martin Scorsese — OMG FREE DENNY'S ON TUESDAY. There's probably a catch. Ah ... it's Denny's.

• Monster.com Trophy Animal — Well done, job website.

8:35 — So this is how the second half is going to last. Warner's throw turns out to be a fumbled ball, and it lands in the hands of a Steelers defender. That's another turnover. I can see another challenge flag in the short-term future.

8:33 — So, Edgerrin James is gonna up 'n put the team on their shoulders, it looks like. That's two first downs he's gained this quarter.

8:29 — How will Arizona put that play out of their mind? With this, probably.

8:26 — I gotta say, that was a fun halftime show. Sure, some of the post-boob shows have been a little dull, but they've all been better than the "how many pop stars can we fit onto one stage and sing one coherent song" efforts of the early 2000s. One man or one band is the way to go. Although, every time I think of Bruce Springsteen I can't help but think of this clip:

Halftime Entertainment Video In Which Bruce Springsteen Choreography Might Improve The Quality Of Dancing

Because it's the Super Bowl, this probably needs to be seen.

Second Quarter

7:55 — McAulay also gives it to him. It looked like Harrison's knee landed in the warm, receiving hamstring of Fitzgerald's lower half, enabling him to tumble into the end zone. That was probably the worst thing that could happen to the Cardinals at the end of the half. Actually, the worst thing that could happen would be for the touchdown to count, and have to watch that Audi commercial on loop for halftime.

7:55 — So, even if that doesn't count as a touchdown, I'm going to go ahead and rate that runback regardless:

7:51 — I ... should ... probably ... stop ... typing shit. James Harrison was the INT-TD creator, and holy crap, that man made about five tremendous moves to evade the Cardinals "defense." I guess they didn't look at Fitzgerald's ability as a receiver-turned-safety. BUT MAYBE IT'S NOT SEVEN POINTS.

7:49 — Well, the first and goal is set up with 18 seconds left. If nothing else, Arizona looks to have ended the first half at least tied. Check that, there is still a great chance for an interception-TD. But Matt Leinart's on the sideline.

7:48 — Two weeks of Larry Fitzgerald culminates to a two-minute drill first down pass. His dad must be so proud. I wonder where he is right now...

• Cheetos — Taking down the talkative rich girl down a peg or three. Throwing Cheetos to her feet worked, but so would've a positive pregnancy test. Hey, we all have our own methods.

7:45 — Nice of Warner to try and throw an interception, but the task fails. Tim Hightower accidentally grabs the flat pass and mistakenly runs for a first down. This is not what it says in the script should happen.

• HR Block And Death — I'm probably going to rate this higher than Tom Daschle will.

• Teleflora — Wow, it took a hell of a long time to get that commercial from the unknown entity. Salesgenie must've gone out of business.

7:41 — Rut-roh. Roethlisberger was tipped at the line and Karlos Dansby grabs the Pop Warner-difficulty interception.

• Pixar's Up! — That's one way to get rid of the kids-on-the-lawn moral quandary. Just leave the lawn. (no rating)

• Bud Light/Skiing — I'm probably going to rate this higher than the Kennedy family will.

7:38 — Another penalty on the punt. Crimony, if penalties were commercials for movie flops, Terry McAulay could buy the Raiders from Al Davis. Right, Mort?

7:37 — Edgerrin James cunningly drops the 3rd and 22 pass. Totally fooled the defense. With three minutes left, it's time to punt.

• Hyundai — Oh, I'll keep saying it Hun-DIE.

• E*TRADE Baby Gets A Black Friend — Hmm. Must be Sweeps Week.

• Well, That's A First — A commercial previewing the commercials of the second half.

7:34 — 3rd and 22. That seems far.

7:32 — Chopblock penalty on the Cardinals. Madden: "He can block, he can even chop, but ..." And that, people, is why you keep John Madden doing the Super Bowl until he can no longer speak.

7:31 — Steve Breaston gives Michigan alums a reason not to shoot themselves with a very solid return. (There are still 739 reasons in the "pro-shoot" column, unfortunately.)

7:30 — Well, they tried it with Mewelde Moore, but I think I knew he played for the Steelers. Maybe.

7:28 — An impressive 3rd and 12 conversion is wiped from our minds by offensive holding. DO IT AGAIN, THIS TIME FROM A LONGER DISTANCE. (They probably will. With another running back.)

7:27 — Another impressive pass breakup by Rodgers-Cromartie-Day-Lewis.

7:25 — Pittsburgh has the ball now, and Roethlisberger checks down to running back Carey Davis. So, did I just fall asleep for four years and they just got a bunch of new tailbacks? If I see Reuben Droughns get a carry, I'm going to be very upset.

• cars.com And That Child Prodigy — Aw, man, that one had so much hope to be fantastic. "He buys his cars on our website, and you can, too!" Lamejuice.

• Gatorade And What Do Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning And That One Autistic Kid Who Played Basketball Have In Common? ELECTROLYTES, MOTHERFUCKERS!

7:21 — Ben Patrick jumps up and grabs the touchdown. Gentlemen, it's the game of TDs caught by people I've never heard of.

7 10

7:20 — So hey, there's that long pass. Anquan Boldin was so wide open, it would have taken him five seconds to punch his offensive coordinator. First and goal at the two.

7:20 — Y'know, we haven't had two plays separated with three commercials. I'm starting to lose my rhythm.

7:19 — Ah, holding penalties are just excuses to attempt more passing plays. 1st and 20.

7:18 — Edgerrin runs. BAD. Edgerrin catches the pass. GOOD!

7:15 — Pass to Edgerrin. Pass to Edgerrin. A running game is for bull queers.

7:15 — Fantastic shot of Matt Leinart on the sideline and what appeared to be listening to his iPod. Love it.

7:14 — Oh, the Cardinals get the ball on offense too? I was not aware of this.

• Another Goddamn Clydesdale Commercial — And, sadly, this one was actually kinda cute. God, I hate horses.

• Another Sci-Fi Movie — Way to say the movie for those that get our movie trailers by sound, assholes. (no rating)

• Pepsi Max Feat. A Lot Of Head Wounds — Hey, works for me.

• Pedigree — An ostrich for a pet! WHAT KIND OF WACKY SITUATION IS THIS!?!?!

• Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial — I never understood why the Clydesdale is the best kind of horse. Is that a breed? Is that just a ... the hell is it? I ask this finally, into our 43rd Super Bowl, as a legitimate question.

7:08 — Gary Russell scores the first touchdown of the game. That was a 12-1 return, for those with money problems.

0 10

• Land Of The Lost Movie — Everyone will be saying "Matt Lauer can eat it!" tomorrow at work. (no rating)

• Doritos — Um, some money was falling, the police turned into a chimp, and a guy got hit by a bus. Man, I hate these Belgian docudramas.

• GoDaddy.com — Oh, those SCANDALOUS domain registrars!

7:04 — Heath Miller, again, with the ball! And a little bit of shovepushery ensues, with Hines Ward coming out of the fight cloud.

'Tween Quarter Commercials

• Bridgestone Tires And The Potato Heads — Ha! The lips came off the woman! Don't you wish your wife was like that? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee standing up.

• Fast And The Furious XLIII, Feat. Vin Diesel's Torso — It's nice to see Vin Diesel's torso take this job to show his range. (no rating)

• Castrol And The Grease Monkeys — Didn't they open for Pearl Jam in 1996?

First Quarter

7:00 — More like Slant-onio Holmes! [awaits high five] Another first and goal for Pittsburgh.

6:59 — Fine, I'll say it. Heath Miller is being a ball hog.

6:57 — Wow, after a false start almost put a beam in the ass of that drive, Roethlisberger runs the exact pattern of a Wendy's order waiting line, and chucks a first down.

6:55 — Holy hell. The Pride of The Tiffin Dragons, Nate Washington, had that touchdown, but the ball was tipped out of the stratosphere by defensive back Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie-Griffith-Joyner.

6:54 — Santonio Holmes runs wild and free like a little kid who just got out of Sunday school. First down Steelers.

• Conan O'Brien and Bud Light — Now we need to see if Andy Richter can match it.

• Some Comedy Movie That is Keeping Michael Cera From Doing The Arrested Development Film. Also starring the guy that Bruce Willis killed in "The Jackal" (no rating)

• Some Car Commercial — Wow, that didn't even try to try.

6:50 — Al Michaels clarifies that Ike Taylor didn't actually go to Swagger University, that it's just more of a state of mind. Oh, Ike Taylor! You establishment-railer! At least I think it was Ike Taylor. But the point is, 3rd and 17 is no way to go through the Super Bowl, and the 'Zonans punt it forth. MORE COMMERCIALS PLEASE.

6:49 — They probably didn't mean to hand the ball off to the ground there.

6:47 — And they convert the first down! Except, well, holding. But the first down counts, so it's just 1st and 20. (Really?)

6:46 — Arizona starts with the ball in the very-average twentysomething range. Edgerrin James goes about as far as Roethlisberger did, and a pass sets up a third and short.

• Incredibly Long Pepsi Commercial — Well, it was fun, and I guess if John Belushi were alive today, he'd approve, then go back to his heroin nap.

• Doritos/Crystal Ball We have violence against vending machines and crotch pain for an executive-type person. We have a clubhouse leader.

6:42 — Oh my. They spotted him short, and we have our first four-point swing of the year. Seahawks fans probably need a change of pants at this point. Jeff Reed dongs in the first field goal of the game.

0 3

Bud Light: So they throw a guy out of an office building, swivel chair and all. Nice. Not great, but nice.

Some Da Vinci Code Sequel: Feh. (no rating)

Incredibly Long, Drawn-Out Car Commercial For An Audi We get it, you have an incredibly large advertising budget.

6:38 — 49 states agree: Ben Roethlisberger definitively runs the ball into the endzone for the first touchdown. BUT PERHAPS SEATTLE WAS RIGHT. Ken Whisenhunt throws the red flag and it's time for commercials.

6:37 — Gary Russell probably wasn't the way to go on first down. But Parker got the yardage back on second.

6:35 — Huh. NBC showed the play clock run to zero, and five seconds later the Steelers snapped the ball. Did the White House audio guy get demoted to on-screen play clock resetter? Roethlisberger throws it to Heath Miller for a super short first and goal.

6:34 — William Q. Parker runs immediately for another nine yards.

6:33 — Well, except for the part where they kept a 10-yard halo around Hines Ward, Arizona guarded that 2nd down pretty well. Pittsburgh moves the ball to about the Cardinals 35-yard line.

6:32 — And the kicker starts off the game with the first tackle. Someone just won $40,000 on that prop bet.

Pre-Game Telecast

6:30 — Blah yaddy blah, Kurt Warner grocery store storyline, and ... hey, hey, HEY. We haven't kicked off yet.

6:29 — Arizona wins the coin toss. You gotta admit, America is safer for having General Petraeus toss heads.

6:28 — Nice to see Jeff Reed wear his Guy Fieri costume for the game.

6:26 — Men now converge at midfield to enact the world's largest lightbulb-related joke: how many football players, league officials and celebrities does it take to flip a coin? (Q: Roger Goodell, how many NFL officials does it take to change a light bulb? A: We'll look at that in the offseason.)

6:22 — And Jennifer Hudson successfully joins a long list of singers who will be known first and foremost as people who sang the national anthem before Super Bowls.

6:18 — Look, it's the US Air 1549 crew, who was rewarded for working probably the shortest flight since the Wright Brothers. Oh, well, at least they waved, but I'd have liked to have heard from them. "Iiiiiif ... you'll look to your left you'll see the first 9-7 team in a Super Bowl since the late '70s. Just let us know if there's anything you can do to make your Super Bowl more comfortable. We know you have a choice in sports entertainment and we thank you for choosing Super Bowl XLIII." They never consult me on these things.

6:16 — Wait, how can Faith Hill be there in Tampa singing "America The Beautiful" and, minutes earlier, in that NBC virtual studio jamming up the pre-game song? They must have a private plane for her.

6:15 — Kurt Warner wins the Walter Peyton Award. But c'mon ... they only did that because he was there. That, or for his charity work.

6:10 — And HERE COME THE TWO TEAMS. [cheering] So, remember when they individually announced the starting lineups and then the Patriots decided to, seemingly at the 11th hour, to be introduced as a team? Well the team that was so brazen as to single out their stars was that 2001 Rams team, featuring Kurt Warner. And to think, that was the last time the Super Bowl coverage found room so shorten up something in the pre-game to make room for more commercials. So touching.

Pre-Game Babble

Now that NBC has fired whoever was in charge of audio during that White House interview, we can all enjoy a little football. The actual live blog starts whenever I feel like it, so get off my back! Also, there will be brief looks at the commercials and, like last year, I will rate them on a conventional scale of zero (Carlos Mencia) to ten (duck riding a monkey riding a unicycle colliding into Carlos Mencia).

Also, stay tuned throughout the live blog as I look back into some of the more memorable moments of other Super Bowls in a feature known as Super Bowl Momentous Momentable Moments That Are Memorable. For the title, I was paid per word.

Finally, before this bastard begins, I would dutifully wish my right pancreas to see either Matt Leinart and/or Byron Leftwich to have to play some or most of this game. Especially Leftwich. Then we'd have an uplifting story about the first human being without motor skills to play in a Super Bowl game. Seriously, his 40 time throughout the years has been charted not with numbers, but with "yes" and "no."

Jeff Reed first popped onto the Deadspin radar courtesy of that fateful Christmas Eve afternoon when then weekend editor, The Mighty MJD, decided the world needed to see him taking a cellphone picture of his newly shorn lunch pail for a prospective hook-up partner. From then on, it seemed that you couldn't go a weekend without a person sending in pictures of Jeff Reed doing something mildly sleazy and interesting. How else could a kicker get their own archive?

USA Today profiles him and the quotes he gives them — about the NFL, being an outsider, about life, man— could be taken out of a "How To Speak McConaughey" Learning Annex seminar:

• "You can't be an individualist, because if you are, you make yourself an outcast on the team. You can hang out by yourself, hang out with the punter, holder, snappers, the trainers, the equipment guys, or you can just join right in."

• "You have to know when it's time to work, it's time to work. But if you're not having fun, you're not living your life."

• "Taking pictures with somebody is not necessarily a bad thing. I don't care if it's random fans who are guys or hot girls. You just have to be smart."

• " The thing that pulled me through was I had a smile on my face the whole time, because I couldn't actually believe I was kicking in conditions like that."

• "I would have totally looked like a fool then. I'm only a halfway fool now."

• "You live for game-winners. I carry that burden on my shoulders as a kicker...At the same, I'd much rather win by 20 points and be partying on the sideline."

You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N.

On the field and off, Steelers' Reed Always Gets His Kicks [USA Today]

The provocatively posed woman in a Steelers Jersey is one thing. Bring Kicker Jeff Reed's smiley-faced autograph into it and it reaches a whole new level of sleaziness. Add in the location in the small of the back and, well, you got yourself a real Steeltown Vixen. I believe they actually call that a PSAMP stamp.

(Photo: Courtesy of SteelyMcStupid)

*******

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. And thank you for sending me the information about the Metallica tickets on StubHub. We're cool.