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Michael Bertin Is The Closer

Arms Race Gets Second and Larger Arm

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin

Meet the new world power in soccer, the United Arab Emirates. Actually as people, they suck at the game. The national side is currently 104th (out of 208) in FIFA's World Rankings. But the Emirates have something more important than athletic skill. They have money, obscenely large piles of it.

And while clubs across Europe were scrambling to get one or two player moves finalized before the Monday night close of the summer transfer window—think of it as roughly the equivalent of the MLB trade deadline—the Emirates' Abu Dhabi United Group made the biggest move by buying 30 players in the form of Manchester City FC.

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10:45 AM on Wed Sep 3 2008
By Michael Bertin
4,270 views, 36 comments

Soccer

It Shoulda Been You, Bud Selig

Coming soon through Pendant Publishing, the autobiographical thriller: I Was Locked In the Loo: The Giovanni Cobolli Gigli Story. What do you do when you're afraid your league president is being uncooperative? Lock him in the restroom, of course. Oh soccer, you're so cute. (For the record, I tried this several times with Will when I wanted to write the day's most important post, but he always summoned help with his sonic dog whistle). More »

5:30 PM on Tue Sep 2 2008
By Rick Chandler
2,297 views, 27 comments

Latest by Kim Gordon's Panties: Maybe instead of posting about soccer just so you can bash it, you could post something interesting and more original more »

Soccer

Whatever Happened to a Good Old Fashioned Headbutt?

Score one for the extraordinarily thin-skinned. A judge in Naples, Italy recently awarded 1500 Euro to a fan of the Napoli Football Club for "existential damages" he incurred while attending a match against Inter Milan. The cause of the damages? Banners. But not just any banners. Banners that made light of Naples' ongoing garbage crisis, which has left tonnes of debris rotting on its streets and thousands of raccoons furiously swimming the Atlantic in search of this mythical utopia. Even worse, the banners were apparently designed by know-it-all pre-med students: More »

1:05 PM on Sat Aug 30 2008
By Gourmet Spud
2,339 views, 8 comments

Latest by twoeightnine: He was also deeply hurt by Americans who called him "one third chocolate, one third vanilla, and one third strawberry." more »

Soccer

Roman Abramovich's Fantasy Football Team Is Better Than Yours

Apparently Roman Abramovich doesn't like being first runner-up. After completing the silver sweep last season—finishing second in the Premier League, the Carling Cup, and the Champions League—the Russian billionaire owner of Chelsea FC responded by purchasing half of the Portuguese-speaking world. More »

3:00 PM on Wed Aug 27 2008
By Michael Bertin
5,741 views, 66 comments

Latest by bornal0ser: @Magnakai Haaskivi: Thanks for the message, I got it late but I am excited to have the link. I more »

Michael Bertin Is The Closer

They Must Be Coming By Sea

David Hirshey Michael Bertin writes regularly for Deadspin about soccer.

Arsene Wenger would have made a good captain for the Titanic. That has less to do with any nautical skills that he may or may not have, than it does with hubris. This is an Arsenal side he has claimed in print has the ability to win the Prem this year. Then, in the second match of the campaign, Arsenal not only loses to a Fulham club that avoided relegation last season on goal difference alone, but looks bad doing it.

Here's how awful Arsenal's performance on Saturday was: It ruined this post. No really, it did.

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2:00 PM on Mon Aug 25 2008
By Michael Bertin
3,764 views, 60 comments

Today In the Premiership

City Wins Big Despite Losing Richards, Deco Is the Difference For Chelsea

Manchester City's 3-0 drubbing of woeful West Ham was marred early in the second half when Micah Richards went down with a head injury after a midair collision with new teammate Tal Ben Haim. City's young star was treated by medical personnel on the pitch before being taken away on a stretcher. After further evaluation he was transported to a local hospital for more extensive treatment. As for the game itself, City got a beautiful opening goal from Daniel Sturridge followed by a pair from last year's leading scorer, Elano. More »

3:15 PM on Sun Aug 24 2008
By KOGOD
1,978 views, 10 comments

Latest by N/A: @Jon_Benet_Rams: Yes, right. more »

beijing olympics 2008

Deadspin Interview: ESPNsoccernet's Lindsey Dolich

Lindsey Dolich has been documenting women's soccer for ESPNsoccernet and ESPN the Magazine in a freelance manner for about a year and has been the Ron Jaworski of these Olympics, breaking down each strategy and player in a highly detailed fashion that is instantly accessible to the casual soccer fan. We tracked her down this week to ask her about the women's tourney, the notion of redemption in sports, and why she is uniquely qualified to discuss women's Olympic soccer. (Oh, and her Japanese fan club in Australia.) More »

2:00 PM on Sun Aug 24 2008
By Tuffy
3,593 views, 15 comments

Latest by DougOLis: @Pete Gaines: I wanted to write a food blog using sports metaphors. So pretty much the exact opposite of Rick Reilly? more »

Today In the Premiership

The Spurs Could Really Use a Hug Right Now

Tottenham took to the pitch this morning without the services of Dimitar Berbatov for the second straight week, and once again they failed to secure a single point. The frustrated Bulgarian striker wasn't even in attendance to watch his (soon to be former) teammates drop a 2-1 decision against Sunderland at White Hart Lane. Djibril Cisse became the hero in his Black Cat debut when he netted the winning goal in the game's 83rd minute. More »

2:55 PM on Sat Aug 23 2008
By KOGOD
2,233 views, 18 comments

Latest by josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you: Hully City, yes! more »

Beijing Olympics 2008

Argentina Live Up to Their Gold Medal Aspirations


Argentina's men's basketball team may have come up short against the United States, but their heavily favored soccer team laid claim to a gold medal of their own. Angel Di Maria's chip shot past Ambrose Vanzekin was all the Argentines needed to defeat Nigeria in a brilliantly contested Olympic gold medal match. The second half goal, set up by the deft touch of the enigmatic star Lionel Messi, led Argentina to a 1-0 victory, and a well earned gold medal. More »

2:36 AM on Sat Aug 23 2008
By KOGOD
1,548 views, 17 comments

Latest by KOGOD: @Spectator: tell that to the defenders trying to contain him. more »

Soccer

Tom Brady Is Secretly Fuming

Why, gaygolddigers.com? Why was I left off the list yet again? Manchester United midfielder Cristiano Ronaldo was named Ultimate Gay Icon by the web site, beating, as Goal.com put it, "stiff competition from celebrities such as Kylie Minogue, Elton John and David Beckham." Hmm. Personally I think they chose the wrong Ronaldo. More »

4:30 PM on Mon Aug 18 2008
By Rick Chandler
4,667 views, 33 comments

Latest by FlashIsBack: @the earl of weaver: And their homophobia would only make them want more. more »

Soccer

Tell Us How You Really Feel, Mates

The place: London, England. The sport: Nonleague soccer. The opponents: Welling United and Maidstone United. The situation: The goalie (not sure which team) has just allowed a soft goal, causing fans to spell out their displeasure in no uncertain terms. It really is ingenious, but may also be NSFW, so the photo is after the jump. Enjoy.

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1:45 PM on Mon Aug 18 2008
By Rick Chandler
8,941 views, 24 comments

Latest by N/A: @I Party With 33765-183: Ron's little brother. /Opie'd more »

Today In the Premier League

A Dream Start For Chelsea, A Draw For Manchester

Big Phil Scolari's first Premier League match at the helm of Chelsea was pretty much perfect. The Blues began their campaign to reclaim the the league title with a 4-0 thrashing of Portsmouth at Stamford Bridge. Harry Redknapp's side was under constant pressure from Chelsea's reworked midfield, and the Pompey back line was breached with regularity. Joe Cole was the first to do such 12 minutes into the match. His run perfectly coincided with a slick touch from Michael Ballack, and Cole had little trouble getting it past David James. More »

1:30 PM on Sun Aug 17 2008
By KOGOD
2,428 views, 42 comments

Latest by Johninho: @WanderingBear: TBH, I didn't think I was arguing anymore, just responding. I'm not even really advocating that those same people more »

Premier League Closer

Welcome to England, Monsieur Nasri

The English Premier League's new season is officially underway, and newcomer Samir Nasri has already made his mark with Arsenal. The dynamic young Frenchman scored the Gunners lone goal in this morning's (lunchtime over there) first match against newly promoted West Bromwich Albion. Arsenal dominated the first half of play, and probably should have put at least one more goal up on the board, but Emanuel Adebayor was left wanting. Aside from their lack of a goal the visitors from West Brom acquitted themselves quite well in the second half. More »

2:55 PM on Sat Aug 16 2008
By KOGOD
2,072 views, 33 comments

Latest by Sex Fabregas: I tried watch West Ham-Wigan but couldn't get into it. Dunno why. Um, because it was West Ham-Wigan more »

Soccer

Michael Bertin Is Your New Closer

Unfortunately, we could not wrestle away previous soccer mom David Hirshey from his other "job" even though we offered him a drum full of mustache balm and unreleased nude photos of Pele to continue with us. The man simply wouldn't budge. No fear, though, because your weekly footie fix will be filled by Michael Bertin, "Precious Roy" from Unprofessional Foul. Greet him warmly. More »

12:45 PM on Fri Aug 15 2008
By DAULERIO
4,289 views, 137 comments

Latest by N/A: As a Gunner, I fully approve of our new football overlord. I welcome him here with much pomp and circumstance. Spurs more »

English Premier League

As the Season Looms Clubs Look to Reload

Whether or not you can believe it, the English Premier League season is right around the corner. While tomorrow's Community Shield match between league champions Manchester United and the FA Cup winners from Portsmouth marks the unofficial opening of the ten-month season the official matches begin in just a week's time. The transfer window remains wide open, and the biggest news surrounds the potential sale of Robinho from Real Madrid to Chelsea. Continue after the jump for details on all of the latest transfer talk. More »

3:30 PM on Sat Aug 9 2008
By KOGOD
2,916 views, 21 comments

Latest by Tony E: I still like Tottenham this season, Modric, Bentley, Giovani... and Bent looks like a monster. more »

Soccer

Bayern Munich Unveils New Soccer Uniforms With Models and Techno Dance

Sometimes we think that American sports teams have lost all grip with reality. Then we get a video like this from Europe. Honestly, I'm almost speechless. My favorite thing from this video, and there are many, is the photographers jostling with one another to get the perfect shot. If you were a photographer and you showed up for this thing wouldn't you just slam your camera into your head until you were unconscious? More »

1:45 PM on Tue Jul 29 2008
By Clay Travis
4,850 views, 51 comments

Latest by N/A: Seriously, I think I'm going start cheering for 1860 now. more »

soccer fights

When Premier League, MLS Fans Rumble

A friendly? I think not. It was only a matter of time before British soccer hooligans met MLS fans on the field of battle. Columbus, Ohio, represent! There may be paperboys, cheerful mailmen and elderly women tending flower gardens, but they're still the mean streets, yo. But now, let us focus on the screaming man in the middle of this photo. Wow. More »

9:45 AM on Mon Jul 21 2008
By Rick Chandler
8,279 views, 50 comments

Latest by USA2Mexico0: @being_sven: "This is what happens when you sing about your lifelong commitment to oral sex on chimps." Brilliant! A++++++. Best laugh more »

new england revolution

Trouser Snakes On A Plane

Remember that scene in Airplane where everyone starts freaking out that the pilots are sick and then, pow, some topless chick runs right in front of the camera? That was the first time I ever saw an unclothed pair of boobies in cinema ... while watching it with my parents. They didn't realize that was part of the movie. This was also last week. I tell this story because it's certainly the first time that the New England Revolution soccer team have been on board with a naked man. That they know of. More »

10:00 AM on Sat Jul 19 2008
By Matt Sussman
5,262 views, 38 comments

Latest by josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you: @Brazil Thrill: Robert Kraft v. Clay Bennett for title of Biggest American Asshole Sports Franchise Owner. more »

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