The Rhode Island state soccer championships were apparently played in the Thunderdome yesterday, as the final between Tolman and Woonsocket ended a bit earlier than scheduled after a bench-clearing, hair-pulling brawl broke out on the field. Woonsocket was leading five to zip when Kristen Cahill got into a little dustup with Tolman's Maria Lopera and things just went down hill from there. Even better, there was another brawl during the post-game medal ceremony, this time involving the fans of the two schools up in the bleachers. Now that's fucking soccer!

I think someone needs to put a stop to these hyperviolent soccer girls before they make all the soccer-playing boys in this country look like a bunch of weak bitches.

Fights break out at HS soccer game [WPRI]
Let's Get Ready To Rumble [Unprofessional Foul]
Previous: Elizabeth Lambert Is Now America's Greatest Villain

Junior Elizabeth Lambert is the Loco Lobo who cameras caught bringing the pain down on BYU in the Mountain West women's soccer semifinals. She kicked, she punched, she clawed, she yanked and basically slugged her way to global infamy. Not since Zinedine Zidane has the world cared so much about soccer players hurting each other.

We already have the apologies and recriminations—Lambert has been suspended indefinitely by her school—and there's sure to be more handwringing and "WHY ARE OUR LITTLE GIRLS SO OUT OF CONTROL?" editorials, but I suspect that Lambert will get far more grief than she probably deserves. I admit that I'm not a soccer expert, but it seems that she isn't any dirtier than most footballers—just more obvious.

You'll notice that in some of the instances, Lambert is retaliating for chippy play from the Cougars. It was grossly out of proportion retaliation, but retaliation nonetheless. A Cougar throws an elbow, Lambert throws a punch to the shoulder blades. Another pulls her shorts, she pulls her hair. Another steps on her foot, she sends one of their guys to the morgue. That's the New Mexico way.

And you'll also notice that despite all these apparent infractions, all Lambert received was one measly yellow card. The point is that these kinds of "dirty" tactics (elbows, jersey pulling, tripping) are all part of how soccer is played. It's just that its usually a lot more subtle. Clearly she crossed the line, but maybe the problem isn't that Lambert is a rageaholic thug, it's that she just isn't very good at soccer. A more accomplished player would have found a way to de-cleat her tormentors without drawing so much attention to herself. Unlike the usually reliable Zidane, who instead chose to take his revenge during the final minutes of the most important and most watched soccer match imaginable.

Yes, girls play dirty too. I know this is shocking to everyone, but not if you've ever been to a casino with Tim Floyd.

New Mexico Women's Soccer Player Suspended Indefinitely [Go Lobos]
College Soccer Player Turns NCAA Playoff Game Into Hand-to-Hand "Combat" [CBS News]
BYU Fights Off New Mexico, 1-0 [ESPN]
New Mexico Women's Soccer: Probably Tougher Than Cristiano Ronaldo [Sporting Blog]

Ok, I guess after watching that girl get her head pulled off this seems pretty tame, but I post this mostly to show solidarity with eye-gougers everywhere like Brandon Spikes. Spikes voluntary suspended himself for all of this Saturday's game, because the only thing worse than only getting to play just one half against Vanderbilt, is having to play a full game against Vanderbilt.

By the way, the official caption on this photo reads, "Hertha BSC player Marc Stein, right, grabs the head of Heerenveen player Oussama Assaidi, left, during their group D Europa League soccer match at Abe Lenstra stadium in Heerenveen, northern Netherlands, Thursday, Nov. 5, 2009." I understood "Thursday" but I think the rest of that is just gibberish.

[AP Photo/Peter Dejong]

* * * * *

No more Halloween posts, so stop sending the pictures now and get some help. I think it's a Loverboy kind of Friday.

And here's the link for when the YouTube inevitably gets pulled.

BYU Fights Off New Mexico, 1-0 [ESPN]

Nah, just kidding. The 43-year-old oil tycoon simply turned his nose up, reached into his probably gold-plated wallet, and paid the bill. He even kicked in some extra cash for the tip. Via TMZ:

The check had an automatic gratuity of 20% — $7,328 — but we're told the party threw down an extra $5,000, bringing the tip to 26%.

We're told there were 10 people at the table, who feasted on white truffles, filet mignon and a whole lotta uber-pricey wine.

Sweet fancy Moses! A lunch for 10 people totaling $52,000? I'm not a mathematician, but that comes out to...

...

...

...

$5,200 each!

According to Sports Rubbish, "[t]he group bought several bottles of wine that were $5,000 each. Other items purchased included $36 rigatoni & $15 tiramisu. Oddly, since these are dishes regular folks like us would typically purchase, they are the things that stand out as overpriced."

So I guess you could say, as far as Abramovich is concerned, in capitalist America, Russians eat you!

Wait. That doesn't make any sense. Unless he's a cannibal...nah, that can't be. Or can it?

Russian Billionaire Blows $52,000 on Lunch!!!!!! [TMZ]
Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich spent $52,000 on lunch [Sports Rubbish]

Is there a cooler thing that could happen to a freshman soccer player than scoring a goal on your first collegiate shot from 95-yards away? Other than getting to be the kicker for the football team, of course.

That is precisely what happened to Ryan Rosenbaum, a freshman at Southern Methodist University. With SMU leading Tulsa 2-1, Rosenbaum booted the ball downfield to clear it out of the defensive zone, which ended up bouncing over the Tulsa goalie's head and into the net. The goal ultimately was the game-winner as SMU went on to win 3-2.

Not too shabby for a first shot. It reminds me of my first shot - which didn't go nearly as well. Who in the hell invented a Three Wise Men, anyway? Jerk.

Video: SMU freshman hits 95-yard soccer goal [Yahoo! (via The Sporting Blog)]

Dirty Tackle tracked this one down, and it's impressive for the sheer ballsiness of it.

Two Brazilian second division teams were tied for the lead in the standings going into the final day, both needing a win to keep their hopes alive. One of them, Viana, was up 2-0 in the 35th minute of the 2nd half. With no lead safe when the season is on the line, Viana scored some insurance goals. Like, nine goals in the final nine minutes. This was perhaps helped by their opponents walking off the field.

Buying off the other team is one thing, but their division rivals Moto Club bought off the refs and were somehow awarded three penalty kicks in the final ten minutes of their match.

Despite Viana's chairman claiming his team just found their scoring touch, the association is treating it as a scandal. So the lesson here is, when you're paying off your opponents, save a little to pay off the league.

Nine Goals In Nine Minutes [Dirty Tackle]

It was Liverpool's fourth loss of the season and they were none too pleased with the outcome. Despite protesting, the goal was allowed to stand even though the rules clearly state that:

...the referee has the option to allow play to continue if a "second ball" goes on to the field but should call a halt if it interferes with the action.

It also states he should stop the game in the case of "any kind of outside interference" but in reality matches are routinely allowed to continue with items like balloons on the pitch.

Former FIFA referee Graham Poll told the BBC the referee should have stopped the game and given a drop ball.

Sunderland, on the other hand, don't understand why everyone is making such a big deal about it. the game is over, they won, can't everyone move on with their lives?

"If that's the case then we've got away with one," Sunderland boss Steve Bruce told the BBC.

"I didn't know that was the rule to be honest. I hope that doesn't become the main issue as I thought we deserved to win overall, but I'm sure it will."

Bent, whose goal took his tally to six in five games, said: "The beach ball was sitting there in their six-yard box so if they leave it there they pay the penalty."

UPDATED: They can't catch all of them, can they?

Nice aim, Bent. I haven't heard about a ball bouncing off another ball with such force since Charlie Weis took up jogging for a couple of minutes.

Liverpool Left Deflated By Sunderland's Beach-Ball Winner [The New York Times]

The Argentines needed six points in their last two qualifying games to grab a World Cup spot for 2010 and after Wednesday's 1-0 victory over Uruguay sealed the deal, Diego Maradona decided that would be excellent opportunity to tell everyone who criticized his coaching ability to get bent. His postgame press conference began with "You lot take it up the arse" and only got better from there.

"I also want to dedicate this to the whole of Argentina, to my family too, but there is one group who do not deserve this because they have treated me like rubbish.

"I don't usually read the newspapers or listen to sports programmes but my daughters do and they told me what had been said about me. So, I repeat, to all those that said anything against me, keep eating your words.

"But certain people who have not supported me, and you know who you are ... they can suck it and carry on sucking it.

"This is for all Argentines, minus the journalists.

The only downside to this rant is that he did not cross his hand and gesture toward his crotch in the customary "suck it" manner, but other than that it was a thing of beauty. It really comes to life in the original Spanish, but I think the translation suits just fine.

Can any actual Spanish speakers confirm that's what he's really saying?

Diego Maradona to face disciplinary action from Fifa for obscene tirade [Guardian]
Diego Maradona Tells Press To 'Suck It' After Argentina Triumph Over Uruguay [Yahoo! Sports]
Classless Maradona unloads on media after Argentina qualify [Examiner]

UPDATE: No official word yet on the injuries, though we're hearing Davies sustained a ruptured bladder and a broken leg. A spokesman for the United States Soccer Federation said the injuries were "possibly" career-threatening, according to the Washington Post's Steven Goff.

UPDATE #2: Via Steven Goff again: "The USSF later clarified its statement about Davies's future, saying it is unclear at the moment how the injuries will impact his career." Also, police told the USSF that Davies wasn't driving.

Davies in Serious Accident [Washington Post]
Fatal Crash on GW Parkway Breaks Car in Half [NBC Washington]
@GrantWahl [Twitter]

If Chelsea can secure a home win over their biggest rival (a task they couldn't achieve last season) they'll overtake Manchester United atop the Premier League table. The Red Devils were lucky to escape yesterday's Sunderland match with a tie following a late own goal. With Petr Cech sidelined due to suspension the pressure will be on reserve keeper Hilario as he faces a Liverpool attack anchored by Fernando Torres.

The match is airing shortly on Fox Soccer Channel, and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be more entertaining than Sunday NFL Countdown.

Later in the day the soccer world's attention turns to Spain, where Real Madrid will be without Cristiano Ronaldo when they travel to face unbeaten Sevilla. Ronaldo carried his Galacticos side to a midweek Champions League win over Marseille with two goals, however the Portuguese star went down with an ankle injury later in the contest. Oh well, they still have that Kaka guy.

Stick around here today to talk about the action on the pitch. And hey, how about a round of applause for Pompey? It only took them eight matches to secure their first point. Next step: figuring out who is supposed to be paying these guys.

Last Wednesday, IFK Göteborg's keeper Kim Christensen took it upon himself to move the posts of his goal toward each other, shaving valuable inches off the opponents' target. How do we know? TV cameras caught it all. Whoops.

Amazingly, this isn't the first time he's done it.

I got the tip from a goalkeeping friend a few years ago, and since then I have done it from time to time," he told the Aftonbladet newspaper. In Swedish football, goalposts rest on top of the playing field, making them prime targets for cheaters.

The obvious answer would be to make non-adjustable goals, but I suppose that's why I'm not the Allsvenskan Konung.

The match ended scoreless, so while Christensen faces a fine and suspension, his little tactic worked. Which is no surprise. It would be like

•Painting 5 more yards on the field when your opponent is driving.
•Making the opponents hoop a little smaller, like at those carnival games.
•Giving Livan Hernandez a three-foot wide strike zone in the 1997 NLCS.

Oh wait...

Keeper Guilty of Moving Goalposts [BBC]
Danish Goalie For Swedish Soccer Team Is A Cheating Bastard [Sportress of Blogitude]

After Michael Owen's game winner 5 minutes and 26 seconds into stoppage time in this weekend's Manchester derby, the Guardian decided to look into the lengths of injury time through all of United'ss home matches over the last 3+ seasons. What they found...shocks no one.

When Man U were leading after 90 minutes, referees put an average of 191 seconds on the clock — less than the average for Liverpool, Chelsea or Aresenal. But when they were tied or losing, refs put on 257. That's more than a minute in additional stoppage time when they most needed those extra seconds.

Does it matter? This year, United have led two games after regulation and played an average of 304 seconds. If that held true on Sunday, City would have secured a draw. But instead referee Martin Atkinson allowed seven minutes.

I apologize to soccer fans for any errors in terminology by me, a relative neophyte. But one concept translates perfectly across the Atlantic: that Manchester United are a spoiled, entitled team that no one likes.

Revealed: Manchester United Get More Injury Time When They Need It [Guardian]

All better? Ohsweetmercy, there's the slo-mo replay again! In the annals of blood-curdling sports injuries, this is definitely an all-time classic leg break. Wasilewski, who used to play for Anderlecht in Belgium's first division, will be out ... forever, I assume, and Witsel (who plays for Standard Liège) was sent off to think about what horrors he hath wrought. Even if he hadn't broken any rules, wouldn't you almost have to accept a red card after doing something that awful? For the good of your own soul, man.

Now excuse me while I replay this 50 more times while loudly cursing the gods for their cruelty.

Horror Injury Sidelines Anderlecht Defender Wasilewski [Goal.com]

Rampone, who is also the captain of the U.S. national women's team, was forced to take over as coach after the team (which has only been in business since March) had already lost its second coach of the season. They rallied to snag the last spot in the playoffs, then beat the league's top three teams, all on the road, in eight days. Then she drove the team bus to Dairy Queen and bought everyone Blizzards.

It wasn't until teammates started bugging her about not drinking during the celebration that Rampone finally admitted that she was 11 weeks along. Oh, and she had surgery for a ruptured ovarian cyst in July. What did you accomplish this summer?

Yeah, maybe those NFL players are a bunch of pussies.

Christie Rampone, captain/coach of champion Sky Blue FC, expecting second child [NJ Star-Ledger]
Christie Rampone: Ultimate Soccer Mom [Fanhouse]
Oh, baby: Christie Rampone's happy secret [LA Times]

Portuguesa is a second-division Brazilian club who suffered a tough loss yesterday, leaving them six points under the relegation cutoff. So a couple of team officials decided they needed a pep talk. An armed pep talk.

Two members of the executive board, accompanied by two bodyguards, gave the players a dressing down. Judging from the team's (Google translated) press release, the guns weren't as big a problem as the dishonorable way he spoke to them. This is Brazil, after all.

Surprising everyone, because the adviser has always been a thoughtful person, Mr. José Antonio Vaz Pinto insults delivered to the group of players and members of the technical committee, showing total lack of control.

Such an attitude was unacceptable and totally disapproved by the board, which shall take all appropriate administrative remedies against the adviser, reporting the events that occurred to the President of the Distinguished Advisory Board of this institution, which will certainly take all measures against the above-reported attitudes.

Today Portuguesa's coach stepped down, but if they win their next match on Friday, I wouldn't be surprised to see more teams turn to this motivational technique. And if that doesn't work, at least the guns can be used to put the injured Mets down.

Armed Brazilian Club Officials Threaten Players [Reuters]

Last night's Carling Cup match between West Ham and Millwall ended with hundreds of fans storming the pitch at West Ham's stadium, dozens of arrests, people throwing bricks and bottles in the streets outside, and one fan getting stabbed in the chest. (He survived.) The brawls began in the streets before the game even started, carried on both in and outside the stadium during play, and then ended with fans taking over the field in the final minutes ... before being ushered outside for more fighting with police.

For some of these goons, the fighting—and not the soccer—is what they live for. "Nights like last night make me want to go back to Upton Park more regularly... the passion and atmosphere," said one. Not only were fans proud of the mayhem they created, they were planning on it all along. Online message boards were filled with pre-match warnings like, "Make sure you bring your bats and don't bring your kids," which led to a heavy police presence at the stadium, which only encouraged the goofballs even more. And, of course, they immediately went back online to gloat over their performance.

One wrote on Millwall Online under the headline 'Someone stabbed': "Let's just pray that whoever it is pulls through ok.. unless they're a West Ham c**t, then let them die."

Charming, as always.

Man is stabbed as West Ham and Millwall fans brawl outside stadium [Daily Mail]
West Ham v Millwall: the hooligans are back [Who Ate All The Pies]

Sergio Jauregui of Blooming caught an elbow from Leonardo Medina of Oriente in a Bolivian league match this weekend and he retaliated by chasing after Medina and knocking him to the ground. But he wasn't satisfied with that. So as Medina was making his way to the tunnel at halftime, Jauregui came flying out of nowhere and put his cleat right in Medina's chin. That'll learn him.

Okay, so maybe knocking a guy out and forcing him into 12 days of bed rest is a little extreme, but at least when the stretcher came out on the field he actually needed it.

Bolivian flying head kick! [Dirty Tackle]

Yesterdays notable results...

Hull City 1 - 0 Bolton Wanderers

American striker Jozy Altidore saw his first action in the English Premier League since joining Hull City on loan from Villareal as a 59th minute substitute. Moments later he had the Tiger faithful in a frenzy.

Bolton threatened consistently, but were unable to break through with a goal.

Manchester United 5 - 0 Wigan Athletic

The Red Devils opened up their attack in the second half at Wigan and the goals came in waves. Wayne Rooney tallied the first two with Dimitar Berbatov, Michael Owen, and Nani adding scores of their own. The first score marked Rooney's 100th with the club, while Owen's 85th minute goal was his first. The attacking display is a great sign for Manchester fans considering the questions that have loomed following the loss of Ronaldo and Tevez. For Wigan it was another disappointment at home following a promising opener at Villa Park.

Arsenal 4 - 1 Portsmough

The Gunners put together another impressive performance, this time at the expense of an overmatched Pompey side. Abou Diaby tallied the first two scores of the match, with William Gallas and Aaron Ramsey adding one a piece. The news wasn't all good for Arsenal, they lost captain Cesc Fabregas with a hamstring injury halfway through the game. The team's top playmaker will likely be out for the upcoming Champions League match against Celtic, and could miss up to three weeks.

Sunderland 2 - 1 Blackburn Rovers

Sunderland picked up their second win of the season with a pair of goals from Kenwyne Jones.

Today's featured match...

Fulham vs. Chelsea

Chelsea have gone down a goal in each of their two most recent matches, however they remain perfect on the year, including their Community Shield win over Man United. Fulham will be without striker Andrew Johnson, although they've proven to be a tough test for opponents at Craven Cottage.

Enjoy the Sunday morning soccer, and feel free to stick around in the comment section throughout the game.

Image via

The Football League is the equivalent of minor league baseball, so I can't imagine too many people were watching the highlights of Torquay and Chesterfield. But at least a few people were shocked by the splicing in of a scene from "Blue Crush," coincidentally at the point where Kate Bosworth slides down her knickers. (Go to the 42 second mark.)

It's not quite as sexy as our own accidental Super Bowl porn, or perhaps much sexier if you're into that kind of thing, you freak. But the buzz has people talking, so the Beeb could get a sizable audience next week hoping to see that scene from "Bring It On" when Gabrielle Union takes a dump on Eliza Dushku's chest.

Previews:
Grant Wahl
LA Times

Live Blogs:
Rumors and Rants
Guanabee

Streaming:
Terra.com

Such is the bizarre world of deaf soccer, where virtually the only way to get caught is to stand at attention when they play the national anthems. But here's the really bizarre part: both sides realized the other team was fielding normal, hearing players before the match started — but decided to go ahead with the game anyway because it was a fair fight.

An Australian source confusingly justified it this way:

When Francis Drake, who was a pirate, captured the Spanish Armada and sent it to Britain, he was knighted and he became Sir Francis Drake. The British did not try him; did they?" The Source asked.

No, they did not.

Deaf Soccer Scandal, Aussies Also Cheated [Ghana News Agency]