Deadspin
We still haven't watched the ESPYs from Sunday night, because, we dunno, it's the summer, and sometimes we like to pretend that the sun actually exists and will welcome us. From most accounts, though, the show was as tolerable as one could have hoped. We have no major issue with Jimmy Kimmel — not anymore, anyway — and we'll certainly take him over Lance Armstrong or Tony Danza. Kimmel isn't exactly Bill Hicks, but he's not Robert Wuhl or Nick Bakay either. And thank heavens for that.
But, as it turns out, not every one of Kimmel's jokes made it into the final telecast. In fact, our spies inside the ESPYs — and there is no more noble endeavor than infiltrating the ESPYs; our spies keep America safe! — say that some of Kimmel's more potentially offensive jokes were actually cut from the final program, even though they were delivered to the live audience.
We've gotten a hold of the excised jokes, and we can say this: Only ESPN could possibly find these offensive enough to strip out. Apparently, they think we have the most delicate ears in all of cable television ... or they just wanted to make sure not to offend anyone who might want to pick up a gift bag. Certainly, the days of Norm MacDonald sneaking on an O.J. joke are behind us.
After the jump, Kimmel's jokes that ESPN cut from the final ESPY telecast.
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Tonight's show focuses primarily on the accomplishments of athletes on the field - but there are so many great things going on off the field too.
Michael Vick, as you've probably heard, is picking up where Bob Barker left off, to try to help control the pet population.
I think that's great.
He's also been doing some wonderful things for people in his local community - just this last weekend, he let the police have a treasure hunt in his backyard.
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Ron Artest was also investigated for cruelty to animals this year. This was actually a scary case - they claim - and, of course, these are just allegations - that he forced two of his dogs to listen to his entire rap album.
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Kobe was here tonight, but about halfway down the red carpet, he asked to be traded to another awards show.
Right now, Don Cornelius is presenting him with a Soul Train Award.
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David Beckham comes to LA this month. I have to say I have never seen my gardener so excited.
David Beckham got 250 million dollars to pay for the Galaxy. It's a lot of money, but they're hoping he can do for soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey...which means in 15 years, no one will be watching soccer either.
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I want to congratulate Greg Oden - the number one pick in the NBA Draft.
Greg is here tonight. How can you be 19 years old? You look like Grady from Sanford and Son.
Don't people usually have their tonsils removed before they turn 40? You may have heard Greg was diagnosed with tonsillitis. But what you might not know is he got a second opinion this morning and it turns out they're not tonsils at all ... they're dinosaur eggs.
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Well - this is going to be a fun night. I don't know if I'll be able to fill Lance Armstrong's shoes, but at the very least, I'm pretty sure I can fill his scrotum. Figuratively, of course.
Comments
See? Jimmy Kimmel IS funny after all.
The best one saved for last. Gold.
Many Bothans died to bring us these jokes.
The Lance Armstrong comment was the quote of the night.
Nothing like a light hearted poke at life-threatening testicular cancer to really get the night going!
What are we doing to make all Jimmy Kimmel jokes more eco-friendly?
HA-HA- Greg Oden is old.
Funny how they pulled that Beckham joke. Looks like it was contrary to the editorial stance of tWWLIS.
I don't play much (i.e. ANY) softball/baseball, but is it normal to swing at a pitch that's roughly level with your forehead?
Greg Oden is looks old. HILARIOUS!
Will, why didn't you give us the transcipt of Jimmy's explanation of the difference between white people and black people?
Michael Vick indicted by federal grand jury.
/threadjack
The funniest thing was what Will used to lead the article: We still haven't watched the ESPYs from Sunday night, because, we dunno, it's the summer, and sometimes we like to pretend that the sun actually exists and will welcome us.
Will, has your skin EVER seen the sun?
I look forward to Robert Novak's column exposing your spies.
I'm pretty sure I can fill his scrotum
I'm guessing Sarah Silverman didn't write that joke.
@Da_Mang: But what does this do to my keeper league fantasy team?
/ducking Rob I's thunderbolts
David Beckham comes to LA this month. I have to say I have never seen my gardener so excited.
This is the only joke that could really be found offensive. The rest of the edits were just for the sake of not offending "the talent" from which ESPN makes its money.
Maybe it was just the west coast feed but I saw the Oden and Kobe jokes.
@The Fans Attic:
I am not so sure that ESPN is going to be making a lot of money from Mike Vick, at least not in a way that would require it to be on good terms with him.
Kimmel also received the "Tank Johnson" award for being "almost" funny
No mention of House or J-Bug?
@bsanders37: Saw those too...in Chicago.
"Kobe Bryant asked to be traded to another award show. He was going to go to the Teen Choice Awards, but then rememebred that he does not give teen's a choice. SNAP!"
"They're dinosaur eggs."
That joke just got pulled because it's not funny. The Grady joke--funny, but dinosaur eggs, no.
Poor Greg, always getting picked on because he's the oldest looking 19-year-old alive--fortunately, he can just turn off his hearing aids and pretend he doesn't know he's getting mocked.
@SlickBomb: Yes, not because it knocked soccer, but because it mentioned hockey.
Wait, why did they pull the jokes from the taped version of the show? Kimmel already offended the athletes in the audience, and for those that didn't make it, I have a hard time believing that multi-millionaires with those pools with waterfalls attached to them and private home theaters find time to sit down and watch the ESPY's.
They also cut his flapping dickey bit, tha's a classic.
@thedirty d: Actually it was the Gary Sheffield award for not being "all the way" funny.
@CarneyLansfordSmellslikeCabage: even better
Man, +5 for the Bill Hicks name drop.
@MrC: Exactly. I was just wondering if any of those were written by Simmons.
I can't speak to the others (I watched but didn't pay attention to most of the show), but the Greg Oden stuff got shown in Canada on TSN.
@Roy Hobbs: Probably improve it.
He was just trying to humanize the athletes.
@claude balls: Given the latest news, you sir, appear to be the amazing Kreskin.
@Dieter: There would have been a few Karate Kid references, I'm sure. Like how Ralph Macchio was 23 or so and was portraying a high school student or something.
I promise I only watched the monologue; the Kobe-red carpet joke and the Oden-Sanford and Son joke definitely aired.
@RaySmuckles:
I was just thinking that.
@Dieter: I want to know what the joke was he made reference to at the end of his last chat. Must have been pretty offensive.
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