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Every new father has had the idea: If I can somehow start training him at birth, I can make my son into a world-class athlete. This tends not to work out well.
But the young father at Empty The Bench, tongue somewhat in cheek, is gonna give it a shot anyway, but he's gonna make his son a kicker.
That kind of composure doesn't just happen. You learn it, you work on it every day. So after he's done with his homework, Kirby and I will work on pressure situations and ignoring distractions. I'll set up in my lawn chair and get the hose and airhorn out, and he'll go to work. I'll randomly shout, sound the airhorn and spray him to simulate distractions. We'll turn on the steady stream so he knows what it's like to kick in adverse weather, maybe get some sprinklers going. If he can't make a kick with a hose in his face in front of some neighborhood kids or the girl he's got a crush on, how will he ever make a Super-Bowl-winning kick? Of course, I'll put down the hose in the winter, but hopefully mother nature will give us a hand between December and March. Once he gets good, in order to increase the pressure I'll have to throw out the occasional ultimatum ("If you don't make this kick, you're calling in sick to school tomorrow!").
Our father did this to us too, though it had nothing to do with training us to be a kicker.
Andrew Kirby, The NFL Kicker [Empty The Bench]
Whatever Happened To Todd Marinovich? [Wood On Sports]
Comments
("If you don't make this kick, you're calling in sick to school tomorrow!").
Wait, now I always liked school, so I could be wrongheaded on this, but wouldn't most students see this as a reward?
For years I've said that if I do have a kid (please god no) I'm training him to be the world's greatest punter or long snapper depending on his size. Odds be damned!
@Yostal: With a father like this, he will want to spend as much time as possible away from home.
Kirby??
Scott Norwood regrets not having such an attentive dad.
right hand tied behind the back, throwing left handed pitches. No dinner until I've seen 50 fastballs and 50 curveballs. I can't wait to be called dad.
@Weed Against Speed:
My thoughts exactly. Not many Offensive tackles named Kirby, Dad clinched it before he was born.
Dad?
I can imagine what he'll draw on his Trapper Keeper during his emo years:
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Isn't this how Tiger Woods was raised?
The Great Santini thinks this is the perfect way to raise children.
Obviously this plan includes drinking with Mike Vanderjagt.
@Suss--: Thanks, Suss, for introducing the travesty of ascii art to deadspin.
Marv Marinovich is not impressed.
Apparently #37 for the Bridgeport Mustangs couldn't be the quarterback because you can't call plays when you're born with no mouth.
If only Nate Kaeding's dad had been more like this. Iowans are too nice.
If only there was a way to make the Ascii art blink...
So what are his other 14 personalities going to be when they grow up?
If I can't live out my own failed athletic dreams through my child, then maybe I'm missing the entire point of being a parent.
Not many Offensive tackles named Kirby...
the name Kirby is generally reserved for blue chip/ 5 star qb's from california who consitently disappoint at the college level.
what?
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get."
@Sir Hotbod Handsomeface: I was thinking the same thing, but because he's Asian.
@BigRicks:
My sentiments exactly. My friend just had a 9lb 22 inch kid. I advised him to break the right hand.
Finally, a topic that really speaks to me.
My scrotum still shows signs of burns from early, very primitive taser devices, things my father called training for life tools.
Fucking curveballs.
@ArkansasFred: yeah, but aren't asians stereotypically made to be lineman (due to their obvious sumo prowess)?
australians or south americans are usually given the kicking job - bridgeport must be out of those.
Wait.. so it's wrong for me to have tied my 2-year-old sons right arm behind his back?
@ILovePaleHoseandPaleHos: Only if Social Services finds out is my guess.
@Sir Hotbod Handsomeface: I thought it was the pacific islanders that were stereotypically the linemen. Them and the Kansas/Nebraska "cornfed" good old boys.
well, if the placekicker thing doesn't work out, maybe Plan B will work -- what all forward-thinking parents want their kids to be:
left-handed middle relievers. Job security for life.
@Da_Mang:
Thats what I thought, until I realized my 6 year old has absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever. All the pressure now falls on the 1 year old.
Wow, this is going to end well. By 'well' I mean 'entertaining and likely very painful for someone' which will make me happy.
My dad trained me to shave points.
He needed to win that 20 dollar bet with my uncle because I only scored 7 goals in one soccer game when I was 6 opposed to the 9 they put the over/under at
Ray Finkle approves of this upbringing
@Donald_Igwebuike: same thing
[/stereotypical ignorance]
@Chief Wahoo: That's why Will created the "What could possibly go wrong?" tag
"Our father did this to us too, though it had nothing to do with training us to be a kicker."
Sometimes these sentences crack me up.
If you keep your hands inside the ball you should be able to drill the nagging bitch right in the sternum
/Jay Gibbons Sr.
@Sir Hotbod Handsomeface:
Add Aussies and South Americans to the list of things that Bridgeport is out of--dentists, dignity, public services ...
@Bandit Darville:
I thought Mr. Leitch looked suspiciously guilty in those WS pictures.
lieutenant winslow:
actually kirby is from the 20,000 total population town of brownwood, tx. not california.
though they won quite a few championships in maybe the '70s and '80s, by the '90s and '00s, my 1A team played their 5A JV on a regular basis, and beat them on a regular basis.
sorry man, you guys got tricked.
on the other hand, a good kicker and punter is hard to find, so if were going to be a crazy-sports parent, kicker or punter is the way i'd go. good luck dude.
I'm training him to be the world's greatest punter or long snapper depending on his size
Unless you marry big, I think he's screwed. Is there even an Israeli soccer team?
I have been informed that all future Spacebabies will be hockey players.
That is the trade-off one must make for marrying into the possibility of free healthcare and poutine.
You guys don't know where the money is at. I'm getting my kid ready for the future. I'm training him how to be great at blernsball
That kind of composure doesn't just happen. You learn it, you work on it every day.
That really is sad. This is exactly the type of parenting that will give this kid all sorts of emotional disorders in adulthood. What this guy fails to realize is that by introducing his son to all this fake pressure at such a young age, it'll end up having the reverse effect. When the kid starts to grow up and realizes that it's impossible to succeed 100% of the time, he'll have an emotional breakdown. Really annoys me when parents put unnecessary pressure on their kids. It should be considered a form of child abuse.
@Spaceman Bill Leah: free healthcare and poutine
You know, I detect a cause-and-effect relationship there...
@Ricky And His Sticky Icky:
It is child abuse, they're just not hitting them. Kid will rebel, and the father will just be more pissed at the kid. Stupid is as stupid does.
Laces out, Dad! Laces out! LACES OUT!
Part of me says I should train my future kid to be a golf prodigy: truckloads of money, no chance of ending up like Mike Utley, fans that at least somewhat respect your privacy, etc.
But then another part me remembers that golf blows.
I imagine I would ripped for knowing this, but the Dad stole this idea right out of the movie "Little Manhattan".
The only problem with obsessively forcing your kid to train for a sport is that you actually have to watch the kid perform said sport, which is why I don't mind my hockey-spawn future all too much. Watching children fall down on ice is hilarious.
@Spaceman Bill Leah: Swarm hockey is highly entertaining. And between being on ice and tripping over sticks, at least half of each team is falling down at any given time.
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