Out celebrating a 1-point win over Phoenix (athletes' social lives are generally more boring than we've been led to assume), Thomas and a group of friends entered the Denny's in Highland Park. We'll let the gripping police report take over here. (Thomas is "the accomplice," which would make a great basketball nickname.)

A local radio reporter has the brawl land literally on his table — in his All-American Slam — and says that only Thomas's companions were involved in the brawl, and that Thomas didn't utter the immortal "f——- b—— a— n——" line. Mavs GM Donnie Nelson and owner Mark Cuban also say Thomas wasn't a part of the fight. I must remind you that all three men have vested interests in Thomas's continued freedom.

But my favorite detail of this story is the woman who was struck by a chair in the melee. She was there with her family —at Denny's, at 3 in the morning — celebrating her 65th birthday. Ladies and gentlemen, Dallas!

Mavericks' Thomas A Figure In Eatery Fight [USA Today]

A lot of people wrote in about this, and like vandalism, whippits, and underage drinking, it's all a by-product of some bored kids looking to have a good time. For starters, Comcast wants it known that they are not responsible for providing the descriptions themselves. The data for their on-screen guide is compiled by a company called Rovi, formerly Macrovision, which is a remnant of the listings division of the old TV Guide. (They still own the trademark, which is why you see the TV Guide logo on Comcast and other cable systems.) In some instances, all the program data is submitted by the channel itself, but the rest is compiled and edited by Rovi's schedulers and editors. Editors who must do something make their lives meaningful.

I just spoke to a secret Rovi employee who confirmed what I suspected all along—boredom. The editors who write game descriptions are constrained by a stylebook and a character limit (it has to fit on the cable system's screen, after all) and the fact there are only so many ways you can say, "The Clippers are playing the Warriors tonight." You would go slightly mad, too, if you had to do that for 40 hours a week.

Just for the record, we're not criticizing them for their choices. It's actually quite amusing and we'd would like to see them take their writing to greater heights. (And we'd still like to hear from an actual editor.) Try to work a plus/minus reference in there, will ya? (Also, they're hiring! Scheduling reporters don't get to write the descriptions, but it's a foot in the door!)

Finally, while a Comcast employee wanted to make it perfectly clear that they don't write the descriptions for NBA games, the Rovi employee wanted to make it perfectly clear that they don't write the descriptions for the cable company's On Demand service, because ... whoo-boy ... those are pretty bad.

Matt Barnes did lodge seven rebounds in 25 minutes (and 0-6 shooting), but was not that pivotal in the Magic's win over the Clippers. However, one might argue that Anthony Parker did more harm than good against the Grizzlies last night. (2 points, -11.) If only there were someone else in Cleveland's starting roster that might have drawn in more viewers....

By the way, if anyone reading this works for Comcast or knows someone who might be responsible for writing these magical blurbs, please contact us. We want to party with you, cowboy.

[Thanks to Joe, James and all the others who sent screengrabs.]

Bullard literally took off his headset in the middle of the Rockets-Trail Blazers game to yell at the officials for their poor performance. He didn't even wait for a TV timeout. He didn't even wait for a break in the action. He stopped doing his job, while the ball was in play, so he could yell at a ref.

Anyone who's ever had a press pass knows that cheering is not allowed on press row. (At least, that's what I've been told by those people.) But I guess heckling is totally cool ... as long as the headphones are off! Let's try to keep things professional here!

Video: Rockets Broadcaster Removes Headset, Yells at Refs [NBA Fanhouse]

Anderson, you may recall, was the NBA D-League owner who offered $100,000 to Jordan and Bryon Russell if they would agree to play one-on-one at halftime of a Flash game. Naturally, the $100,000 was a bit of a lark, because the money was for charity, it would only go to the winner, and everyone knew there was no way in the hell Jordan would ever accept. But since he never technically said "no," Anderson figured he's just pretend that Jordan was coming anyway, because what difference would make as long as fans bought the tickets?

So the Flash hired a Jordan look-alike to walk around Provo yesterday—and even uploaded a YouTube video of him eating at a local restaurant—to generate fake Jordan sightings and build some buzz in the community. And Russell even went along with it, because what else does he have going on in his life? Halftime came, the hoax was revealed and the previously gullible crowd was not amused.

Anderson later apologized, by saying "Sorry ... no refunds!"

"We wanted to test the strength and effectiveness of viral media by putting him out in Provo with bodyguards, and some hype," [Anderson] said. "I always assumed it would be uncovered very quickly that it was a hoax."

What he tested was the strength and effectiveness of P.T. Barnum's old adage, and it passed with flying colors. There's a shameless liar born every minute.

Owner sorry for Michael Jordan-Bryon Russell 1-on-1 hoax [ESPN]
Jordan-Russell Showdown A Hoax! [The Score]

Honorable Mention: Philadelphia. It's 2000 all over again! (Without the winning.)

David Stern insists with robotic regularity that his ballers are the "best athletes in the world". (Sometimes, when he's feeling particularly saucy, he goes with "most extraordinarily gifted".)

Apparently he's been doing this for awhile:

"Messrs. Jordan, Johnson, Bird, et al., made it clear that the NBA really does have — as Commissioner David Stern so often claims — "the best athletes in the world."

That, in an article about the original Dream Team. Written in 1992. Jesus, at least the man's on message!

In the past few weeks alone, though, several players have gotten this idea implanted a little too deeply in their minds. First Big Baby Davis informed the world that upon reaching NBA All-Star status he would like to return to football, although he did not "have a specific position in mind in the NFL."

Then LeBron James, a All-Ohio wide receiver in his youth, mused that "If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good, no matter what team I was on."

NFL players were skeptical. As Jeremy Shockey made the case on his Twitter :

If anyone was up to the task, I guess, it would be LeBron, modern marvel of mankind. No less an authority than former Cleveland Brown coach Eric Mangini even invited him to "come on down" before undermining that "he'd probably be good at baseball or soccer or swimming." Hmm. Two out of three ain't bad! And he's got this going for him, which is nice:

As for Rondo, this isn't the first time he has demonstrated a high regard for his speed. Last year he needled noted fast person Usain Bolt, informing him that the two would meet in 2012. This time, he set his sights slightly lower: Chris Johnson ran a 4.24 forty at the NFL Combine, the fastest recorded combine time ever.

So does Rondo have a chance to win the $2k purse? Probably not. The Sporting News' Bethlehem Shoals broke down the duel and, using complicated math equations, concluded that Rondo's forty time would clock in at something like a 5.15. That wouldn't even beat LeBron!

But with Johnson's recent counter that he could beat Rondo in a game of one-on-one, this is shaping up to be the most exciting competitive cross-pollination since Shaquille O'Neal challenged luminaries like Misty May-Treanor and Oscar de la Hoya in their native sports.

Stern can't be too happy: so far Shaq is 0-5.

This is Katie Baker, btw.

Video of the argument, and the dancing that precipitated it, is here and there on the Web:

The moves James was throwing down on the sideline of the Q — which, a LeBron scholar of my acquaintance tells me, can be partially blamed on the bad influence of teammate Danny Green, "known for dancing horribly at UNC" — bear more than a striking resemblance to the recently notorious dance craze known as "jerking." Urban Dictionary notes that it looks pretty much like "what happens when a bboying move, kickstep, goes completely wrong, mutated, dysfunctional, and looks utterly like shit." It even has its own theme song, courtesy of the California duo the New Boyz!

If the PA types at the United Center don't serenade James with this track come March 19, I will have lost maybe a little bit of faith in sporting arenas' musical-cue honchos everywhere.

This is Maura, btw.

LeBron James and Joakim Noah fight about dancing [Sun-Times]

Stern fired his first shot back in February, when he used the old "AIG is failing, you better sleep with me tonight baby" line. When that didn't get any traction, Stern agreed to a little sitdown where he waxed feminist. The money shot is pretty tepid — Thomsen asked Stern about the possibility of women playing in the NBA within the decade, and Stern answered "I think we might... I don't want to get into all kinds of arguments with players and coaches about the likelihood. But I really think it's a good possibility." You have to admire the double-edged possibility — an entire league of lady scabs, or simply leveraging the old canard that women make only 70 cents on the dollar for the same work as men. (Is this where I'm supposed to work in a joke about babes playing on the rag?)

Apparently the NBA Players' Association isn't going get too exercised about this until Stern starts talking about the athletic prowess of the Mexicans who do his lawn. ("Ten years?" LeBron James said of Stern's prediction. "That's, like, right around the corner. [In] 10 years, I'll be 34. I'll still be in the NBA. I think 10 years is pushing it, honestly.") That or they are consumed by the labor needed to rehabilitate Ron Artest's image (and I mean full time — look at that URL).

This is 99, btw.

Weekly Countdown: A woman's place could soon be in the NBA [SI]

Brook Lopez had 31 points; Courtney Lee had 27. Newark Star-Ledger columnist Dave D'Allesandro called the Nets' triumph the end of "our national nightmare," which one hopes isn't some sneaky sign that the Garden State is about to start a sports-related secession movement. Anyway. The people manning Deadspin's reins on this fine Saturday, which has been dubbed No Tiger Saturday by forces beyond our control, are the people behind hieroglyphic-inspired Young Manhattanite. We will attempt to deliver you timely but most likely outdated sports content in the fashion of Larry King's USA Today column. We'll skip the credentials, you won't care anyway, but do know we are not New York-centric assholes. Hailing from the proud lands of Maryland, New Jersey, the State of Long Island, Ohio and Las Vegas, you'll see we're Real America Assholes. One of us is paying off a four-year-old debt to Deadspin editor AJ Daulerio and that's why we're here. We won't convince you otherwise.


Please send all tips to the tip tagline. And in order to provide at least a little continuity, here's another video from Faith No More. It's thematically appropriate and everything!

Faith No More - A Small Victory [Dailymotion]
[Photo: AP]

Believe me, I understand the temptation to reach for a story angle—the former Pistons combined for 13 points, all by Rasheed—especially when you've written your 16,000th blurb about regular season NBA basketball and are desperate to avoid repeating yourself. But after seeing the Duke lovefest last week, I no longer think it's about biased alumni pumping up their favorite college players. I think Comcast employees are having a contest to find to see who can write the best game summary that won't actually summarize what you are about to see. Whoever can create the most obscure connection between the two least important players on the floor wins.

So your mission now, dear readers, is to find these efforts and send them in. Be on the lookout for ludicrous game descriptions (Comcast or otherwise) and email the evidence. And if there's any Comcast Guide writers out there reading this, don't give up now. Your crazy shenanigans can only help seal your takeover of NBC. FCC regulators love a good prank.

Comcast-NBC Universal deal faces regulatory hurdle [Guardian]

[Thanks to reader Ben K. for the image.]

I know, it can be emotional going from riding the bench for a 7-12 team to riding the bench for a 5-14 team. At least that's what I think Iverson was choking out between sobs.

Let's watch.

But, Philly fans, don't get so attached to the notion that playing for the Sixers is so powerful as to move an ordinarily stoic man. Here's Iverson breaking down while giving a motivational speech to students in his scholarship program:

Teary Return For Iverson [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Well, they're both Spanish, for one. And that's all I've got. But for whatever reason, they make L.A.'s unlikeliest couple since O.J. and Nicole Carter and Lee Shaq and Kobe Khloe and Lamar.

When Gasol was traded from Memphis, Domingo pushed the L.A. Opera company to reach out to the big man and make him feel welcome. Now Domingo regularly attends Laker games, and Gasol goes to the opera (even when Domingo isn't performing).

I admire him a lot for his devotion and the passion that he dedicates," Gasol said of Domingo, adding that the tenor has put a positive face on Spain and is now doing the same for Los Angeles.

Domingo, for his part, suggested a parallel between his and Gasol's chosen vocations.

"A team like the Lakers, all the team plays hard, because they know they are the best, at this moment, they are the champions, no?" he said. "The same comparison is that when you are in an important position within the world of music, well, all the world hopes for the best. That is to say, the people don't come if they are not content. It's the same level. When you have the responsibility, at this height, you have to work very hard to give it."

I'm still waiting for the Times' story on Ron Artest's friendship with the late Wesley Willis.

The Lakers' Pau Gasol Gets An Opera Assist From Placido Domingo [LA Times]

A warning: I may not have the heart to give this the attention it doesn't deserve. But I'll try my best in solidarity with my brothers across the Hudson.

9:51: And we have 0-18. That'll be it for this miserable live blog. "An imperfect storm," says Ian Eagle, perhaps misunderstanding the meaning of imperfect. What's the opposite of undefeated? "Defeated?" Yeah, that sounds about right.

9:50: 30 seconds left, and a pretty substantial cascade of boos comes down from the crowd. Not being facetious when I say "at least they care."

9:48: And we've reached the point of the game where the commentators are going over their lists of past broadcast partners they enjoyed working with more than each other.

9:47: Jason Kidd hits the bench with 16 points, 8 rebounds, 10 assists, and 5 steals. I know all other things aren't equal, but Devin Harris's corresponding numbers are 17, 1, 3 and 2.

9:45: It's an 18-point game with 3:10 left. At this point I'm just praying that Jersey doesn't make it close enough to make it worth fouling.

9:41: My will is flagging. Nets fans, is it like this every night? It's one thing to be bad, but something else entirely to be boring. The pieces look like they're there, and in a few years with a few good moves this franchise could be right back at the top, but right now, this is torture to watch.

9:38: I've never seen a team miss so consistently those just-for-fun shots after play stops.

9:35: Nets close the lead to 16, and their fan goes wild.

9:25: It occurs to me that the Nets have a very winnable game against the Bobcats on Friday, and could break their streak by moving to 1-18; the inverse of the greatest streak breaker in history.

9:21: It's 105-78 at the end of the third quarter. If we ignore that whole 49-point outburst in the second, these two teams look evenly matched. And if we ignore the previous 17 games, New Jersey is undefeated this year.

9:15: Sean Williams goaltends by hanging on the rim when Dirk was shooting, for some reason. Next time down the court, the Nets fail to get a shot off in their 24 seconds.

9:12:The Nets are making a run! They're within 20. Highly disappointed with this development, Rick Carlisle calls a timeout to make his players think about what they've done.

9:11: The Nets are averaging 86 points a game. Dallas scored 88 with 7:26 left in the third quarter.

9:08: Some astounding numbers from midway through the third: the Mavs are shooting 72% from the floor, and slightly better from beyond the arc.

9:05: Announcer: "Kiki Vandeweghe probably is the best shooter associated with the Nets." Honestly, put him in! If you're going to fail, at least sell tickets while you do it.

9:03: Erick Dampier goes for a put-back, lands, sets himself, and jumps again to tip in his own shot, all while three Nets defenders stand by and watch.

8:55: Oh no! Noelle is being kicked off So You Think You Can Dance! Also, probably the Nets are doing something poorly, why not.

8:53: And, we're back. Dirk hits an unguarded 25-footer. Lovely.

8:50: Let's see what's going on with the Knicks...oh, down 21. When's baseball season again?

8:48Jason Kidd and Kenyon Martin both ripped Bruce Ratner this week for caring more about real estate than the Nets. It's hard to blame him; the difference is, people expect the real estate market to rebound eventually.

8:43: Poor Nancy Newman doing the around-the-NBA highlights at the half can't keep a tinge of jealousy out of her voice every time some other team goes something good. Sad, really.

8:37: And it's halftime, with the Mavs up 77-50. It's a pattern; NJ was down 25 at the half to the Lakers on Sunday when they had a chance to avoid tying the record. "Did they give up already?" asks one non-sports-fan friend. "Maybe they just get tired easily," opines the girlfriend. I opt for all of the above.

8:33: The Muppets are singing at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting. Best sixth man: Bobby Simmons, or Rizzo the Rat?

8:30: I look up, and it's a 20-point game. When did this happen?

8:27: Spectacular ball movement by the Nets had the Mavs totally off balance, culminating in a missed 7-footer. Dirk promptly nails a three-pointer on the other end. Story of the season.

8:21: Dallas is up 48-39. It's like a child torturing a spider, pulling out the legs one at a time. The damn thing keeps wiggling, but you're just waiting for the moment when the child gets tired of the game and squishes it.

8:17: My girlfriend has put on "So You Think You Can Dance." I barely brought myself to care enough to ask her to turn it back.

8:13: The Nets' highest paid player, Bobby Simmons, has a name that makes him sound like a fat, older white guy who works at your office. He's also averaging less than 20 minutes per game.

8:07: And after a quarter, we're tied up at 28. It's the most points the Nets have scored in the first quarter all year. If these teams stay on the same pace...they'll be forever tied and we'll have infinite overtimes.

8:04: Terrence Williams with a monster dunk on a breakaway. This team has a good amount of talent, or at least not an 0-17 lack of talent. But, much like my fantasy football team, barely falling short time after time will still count as a string of losses. I'm not bitter.

8:01: The mic picks up that same damn kid, screaming "airball" at the top of his lungs. Urge to kill...rising.

7:57: Nets on an 8-0 run to tie the game at 19. I know it's early, but if the Nets pull this out, where does this rank with the greatest wins of all time? Higher than the Miracle on Ice? Upset beating Man O'War?

7:51: 6:25 left in the 1st, Mavs up 17-9. Hollinger says statistically, the T-Wolves are worse than the Nets, but as a liveblog is rapidly teaching me, sometimes you have to watch the games to see how hapless a team is.

7:48: The announcers stumble over Rodrigue Beaubois's name, leading to some French jokes culminating with "Do you like croissants?" Not sure how that's any less offensive than the Hamed Haddadi jokes.

7:46: As Kidd shoots a pair of free throws, the crowd mic picks up a child booing at the top of his lungs. Darn kids, no sense of their team's storied history.

7:42: And Jason Kidd hits the three. Told you.

7:42: Nets win the tip! And score on the first possession! This will likely be the only win, and only lead tonight.

7:39: To a man, the Nets say the record's not important. Then why is every question asked about the record?

7:35: Poor Tom Barrise. Kiki Vandeweghe takes over as coach tomorrow, so Barrise's only two games as an NBA coach are record-tying and -setting losses.

7:30: Nice little package to start the YES Network broadcast, complete with dramatic music. We're a part of history here, folks.

7:25: They're going with the same lineup tonight. Got to dance with the one what brought you, I suppose.

Bosh expressed his frustration at the lack of support displayed by his fellow Raptors after the incident, telling Toronto Star reporter Dave Feschuk (via FanHouse):

"Yeah, I'd like to see the team more passionate. I look at their bench and they're all up standing at half-court, and nobody from their team was down on the floor. I think we would react better to just be out there for one another and just stay together."

Clearly, Bosh feels that his team lacks toughness and he is sick and tired of no one doing anything about it:

"I'm tired of talking about toughness. We talk about it too much. We talk about everything too much. We've got to stop talking about it and just do it."

Antoine Wright appeared to be the only Raptors player other than Bosh to articulate his disappointment at how things went down, saying after the game that the Raptors "just got punked."

Sitting at 7-10, it probably isn't time yet to push the panic button in Toronto, but the Raptors did fall to 2-8 on the road, a statistic that backs up Bosh's assessment that his team lacks the requisite toughness needed to play well in opposing arenas.

But more than anything, I bet Bosh simply hopes that his teammates will allow him to take an extra long soak in the ice tub today. Ouch.

Bosh Gets Pounded, Wonders Why His Teammates Don't Care [Fanhouse]
Feschuk: Raptors bow down meekly to Celtics 116-103 [Toronto Star]
Paul Pierce Not a Big Fan of Chris Bosh's Junk [Last Angry Fan]