1. Charlie Weis and Tom Brady go down in consecutive weeks with knee injuries. Remember that horrible movie Final Destination where death stalked all those kids? I think they even did a sequel. Is anyone else starting to think that's what Spygate is like? Weis getting wrecked on the sideline was just like that kid stepping in front of the bus and getting killed as he tried to cross the street. If I was Bill Belichick, I'd have my head on a swivel next week.

2. Does anyone else have one single friend who's approaching 30 and keeps going out to the same bar you've been going out to for the past 8 years and still runs the same pick-up a girl offense, only now it's not working at all? My friend Kelly is a Michigan grad and spent Saturday watching Michigan attempt to run the spread offense. He's argued with me that it was time for a change of offensive philosophies. Then, he pointed to our friend, standing alone and woefully adrift in front of a live band, and said, "See, the old offense just isn't working anymore." This would have been more effective if Michigan had looked the least bit competent, but, even still, the analogy is almost perfect. At least none of my friends are the only guy at the bar with a gray goatee. It's been my experience that gray goatee is always there. If you haven't noticed this then you might be the guy at the bar with the gray goatee. Condolences.

3. Post-game interview where Jimmy Clausen stares down the camera directly and made your blood run cold. I'm trying to figure out why this is making me so uncomfortable and then it hits me: Jimmy Clausen is Draco Malfoy. If you have no idea who Draco Malfoy is, email me and you can have my balls. You deserve them.

4. Friday night, while you were out drinking and forgot about the game like I told you would happen on Thursday, USF's freshman kicker nailed a 43 yard field goal to beat Kansas. This was the game of the weekend and you forgot about it even though you spent all day Thursday trying to remind yourself not to forget. You suck. See, alcohol does kill brain cells.

5. South Carolina and Georgia. I listened to this game driving back from UAB-Tennessee on Saturday. It was impossible to find for at least an hour. Why are football game so impossible to find on the radio? Anyway, biggest question of the day, why is Spurrier shuttling in Stephen Garcia at all? I don't get this. Smelley is on his way to throwing for 300 yards and you bring in a redshirt freshman who has already been charged with 19 felonies since he arrived on campus. Including keying a professor's car? He proceeds to take two sacks. Mind-boggling.

6. Biggest upset of the week: Maryland over Cal. Cal was a 16 point favorite. Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee state last weekend. Yet, get a 12:00 kickoff rolling, get Cal's players out of bed at roughly 4 in their morning their time, and things can fall apart in a hurry. Why don't Pac-10 teams insist on later kickoffs when they travel all the way across the country? This is the only thing I'd be concerned about the contract. Write it in there and then sign. Or set the return game for 1 in the morning east coast time. But even that isn't really effective because college kids would prefer this anyway. So, basically, if you're from the west coast you have to refuse to play in this game.

7. Speaking of MTSU, you probably haven't seen how Kentucky's game against MTSU ended because it was on something called the Big Blue Network and Tim Couch was taking a break from having sex fourteen times on Saturday to call the game. In fact, when you watch the footage below you'll note that the Big Blue Network managed to miss the actual tipped-ball catch. Setting the scene, less than thirty seconds remain and UK is leading 20-14. They've lined up to attempt a field goal that will ice the game. Enjoy.

Kentucky fans still haven't recovered from this. Almost LSU redux. I still have no idea how the Kentucky db reacted so quickly to make this tackle inside the one. Thankfully the camera man wasn't responsible for deep coverage.

8. One note on the UT-UAB game, for the first time in my life the UT crowd booed players. Up until five years ago you didn't hear booing of any sort at the game. No matter what the result was. And there were some bad results. Both Jonathan Cromption and tight end Luke Stocker (whose hands appeared to be made of granite and lack finger extensions were loudly booed during the third quarter). I don't get this at all. Anytime you boo college athletes, I think it's incredibly stupid. But the booing of college athletes in the second game of the season during a game they're winning? That's Florida Gator fan-level cluelessness there. Is it spreading?

9. The Mississippi State-Auburn game finished with a 3-2 score. That's only happened six times in college football hstory and only once in the past 50 years. It was televised on ESPN-2 and redefined the term "slugfest." If you've ever wondered what football in 1932 looked like, you should have watched this game. But here's the deal, Sly Croom made the dumbest decision of the week. Why in the world did he choose to go for a 4th and 15 late? When his offense hadn't even converted a single third down of any distance all game? Especially when he had the opportunity to try and pin Auburn deep and allow his defense to go for either another safety or at least force Auburn to punt from their end zone? This decision was baffling to me. It's fairly rare you see a coach make a decision this dumb. Ever.

10. UCLA gave up 59 points to BYU. Two weeks ago my team lost to UCLA. This week we play Florida. I can't explain how unsettling this is. I know the transitive property doesn't work in sports, but, still, uh oh. By the way, if you're doubting whether or not USC is going to run the table in the Pac-10 this year, Arizona, Arizona State, Washington State, Washington, Stanford, Cal and UCLA all lost non-conference games this weekend. And Oregon needed overtime to beat the 6th or 7th best Big Ten school, Purdue.

11. Vandy is now 3-0. They beat Rice behind the fleet feet of their white running back, Jared Hawkins. The white running back is the story of this year's college football season. Michigan has one, UCLA started one, and I'm sure there are others. Of course two of these three teams looked inept on offense, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Yep, 2008 is the year of the white running back. But, lest we all forget, injury to fat men on your football team, are just a play away. And if this happens, college kids will reenact the injury.

That opening paragraph either made your pulse quicken or it didn’t. I get that everybody doesn’t love college football. Believe me, I know. I went to school on the East Coast where, at the time, CBS split telecasts between the Big East and the SEC. I can’t tell you how many times in college I sat cursing at my television screen because a game like Rutgers-Virginia Tech was pre-empting Tennessee-Alabama. I’ve sprinted through the streets of Georgetown, gotten on the damn Metro to ride to shady sports bars in Virginia, then gotten out and walked down the side of a busy highway to find an elusive sports bar that was showing my team.

Freshman year, we didn’t have televisions in our dorm at George Washington. There were few Southerners and there was one big screen in the lobby. Invariably the Southerners would make sure the television was free for football. Because, to be clear, college football is the greatest sport in America. I say that as someone who has experienced everything from English premier league soccer to NASCAR, a tennis major to the Masters, there is absolutely nothing in sporting life that compares to being on campus for a big-time college football game. Nothing.

That’s why I always find it so lame when people who’ve never experienced a college football game trot out excuses for why college football is overrated. Nine times out of ten those excuses will lead with, “There’s nothing else to do in (insert college football town here). That’s why people go.” First of all, that’s incredibly elitist and stupid. Do people go to Knicks game or Jets games because there’s nothing else to do in New York City? Of course not. They go for the same reason that everyone goes to sporting events; because we’re fans. And fans go to sporting events. It just so happens that Lincoln, Nebraska on a Saturday has a better sporting environment than any sporting event in New York City. And big city folk can’t handle that. Tough luck, it’s true.

Second, the fans are all dumb, rednecks, illiterate, (insert judgment here). Also, wrong. The average person attending a college football game has a college degree. Many have advanced degrees. Somewhere along the way college football fans have been inaccurately typecast as dumb in a way that NBA, NFL, MLB and college basketball fans never are. I’d put the average fan going to college football games in an intelligence test against the average fan going to any other American team sporting event. And I’d feel pretty comfortable that college football fans would win.

Third, the NFL is better than college. I’ve been to lots of NFL stadiums. The environment, the excitement, the vibe just doesn’t compare. Not even close. Oftentimes I’ll double up on a fall weekend, Vols on Saturday, Titans on Sunday. The NFL game is a pale shadow of college football’s fun. But you don’t have to take my word for it. If you’re a sports fan and you haven’t traveled to the SEC, the ACC, the Big Ten, or the Big 12 for a game, then you’re wasting your sporting life. Seriously, you are.

Notwithstanding all of this, as the leaves are falling down around us, as the short season sprints—with SEC speed— all too rapidly by, you like to think that there’s a timelessness to college football and that you're not getting any older. But you’re wrong. Here are 11 things that are guaranteed to happen to you this fall

1. Back in college you used to handle a loss to a rival with grace and dignity. You figured that losing would get even easier with age. Then you graduated went to work for five years on asbestos document review and are angrier now after a loss than you ever were. Lesson: beer and parties with attractive women make everything better.

2. You’re getting one year closer to being the old guy who hits on fat college chicks at your tailgate. Remember when you were in college and it always astounded you how the old guys would, without fail, hit on the most mediocre chicks when they walked past? Last year your buddy pointed out a fat chick and you guys all ogled her. Don’t bother denying it.

3. You'll refresh your debate about which college quarterback had the most sex with the largest collection of attractive women. Yet again, for the 8th consecutive year, you'll acknowledge the answer. Tim Couch. Seriously, Tim F'in Couch laid the pipe like the pipe has never been laid since.

4. Suddenly, one season, somebody is going to have a kid. And send out an email to all his friends saying he needs to go to a sports bar that doesn’t allow smoking so he can watch the opening college football games this Thursday. Because Comcast doesn’t carry goddamn ESPN U. That person is me this year. My seven-month old son is in good hands.

5. You’ll want to get in a fight with a rival fan. You probably won’t do it. At least you shouldn’t. Not if you value your job, your teeth, or your ability to explain to your wife why you should be allowed to go on the road with your buddies. But you’ll really, really want to.

6. Someone is going to suggest going by his old frat house. You really can’t do this. Fight, hard. Especially if you’re 30 or more and your own son isn’t a member there. But, you know what? You’re going to end up there. And ask them to sneak you into the KD house too.

7. If you're in the South, and you go to enough tailgates someone will offer you legit moonshine out of those jugs with four XXXX's on them. I kid you not. Some stereotypes are true. Drink more than a sip and risk your life.

8. One of your friends is going to turn down more to drink because, "I just can't handle the alcohol like I used to." Rage, rage, against the dying of the drinking light. Marshal all of your derisive skills until he continues drinking. If you must, spike his water with vodka. He knows not what he does.

9. Someone is going to send you a forward of a hot, naked girl from your school. And, for just a moment, you'll think, "Please Lord, don't let this be my daughter." Then you'll save the picture, email it to yourself and hide in on a shared computer with your wife under "2003 tax information."

10. Flush with the ability to magically walk around outdoors with a beer can in hand, you’re going to get into a debate about why there’s an open container law. You will be able to come up with no justification. Flush with this lack of justification you will claim that you’re going to start walking around with open containers everywhere. And then turn into a wuss when you get within 500 yards of a squad car and pour out your beer on a girl in a sundress.

11. As an apology to the girl in the sundress, you’re going to propose a national party for the start of college football season. It will be called, The Sundress Party and take place on open farmland somewhere in the South. Woodstock meets college football. Everyone will agree this is genius. Then it won’t happen…again.

But that will all be in the future. Because, in less than 24 hours, the greatest time of the year arrives. College football is back.