• Jam. Pittsburgh's football franchise has been fussing privately about how their helmet communication just never seems to work correctly in Cleveland. We don't see how this could have any effect on tonight's game. However, you can certainly screw with Phil's phone line. We're sure he'll love his new voice mail message: "This is Phil. Eat me."

• Be less... Paralympic. Great Britain has lost another silver medal at the Paralympics because their medalist has been ruled to be ineligible for the type of disability she claimed to have. In press release terms:

In the opinion of the functional classifier Rebecca's throwing stance was not consistent with what he saw in the shot put or the classification process and she does not meet the criteria of functional loss when she throws the discus to compete in the F38 category.

Sure. Okay. So what we're saying is to snow Phil in under a blizzard of paperwork and technicalities until his weeping brings you strength.

• Evidence. The famed All Blacks (New Zealand's national rugby team) claim a television crew from Australia recorded their practice sessions and sent the tape home to the Wallabies (Australia's squad), helping the Aussies beat New England in a huge tourney. First, videotaping is so last year. We know. However, if you can get a local TV crew to do your dirty work for you on Phil from Accounting, then you can keep your hands clean. We don't know how you'll convince them it's for the good of your country, but you'll figure it out.

Second, what are they really going to learn from this?

After taking home a disappointing bronze in the 2004 Paralympic Games, Henry Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro joined forces to tell that story in Murderball, a crushing hit on the documentary circuit that forced four heartbreaking stories about young people trying to come to grips with their sexuality in a small town clear out of the competition and tumbling into the night, screaming for help.

Yeah, even their documentary kicks more ass than yours.

As a reminder, these fellows were badasses before their accidents. Consider how one of them ended up in a wheelchair to start with:

Zupan was paralyzed in 1993 when he fell out of the back of a pick-up truck, a crash that sent him sprawling into a canal where he spent 14 hours clinging to a tree branch to save his life.

To give you a comparison, we couldn't make it through a blogging day at Deadspin without a nap.

While you can watch the Paralympics online (and we totally recommend it), you can whet your appetite with a crawl through YouTube with the search term "wheelchair rugby". We'll see you back in an hour or so. We understand.

• The first gold medal of the games went to Slovakian shooter Veronika Vadovicova, shooting the 10 meter air rifle event from a wheelchair. The silver medal went to Germany's Manuela Schmermund and the bronze to Puerto Rico's Nilda Gomez Lopez. Special applause goes to 66 year-old shooter Kosmala, the oldest shooter on the range and a 5 time Paralympian.

• The first gold for the host country went to China's Du Jianping in the 100m freestyle at S3 class. Jianping, who has lower body disabilities, edged ahead of Ukraine's Dmytro Vynohradets who took the silver. China's Li Hanhua came away with the bronze.

• Great Britain cyclist Simon Richardson won gold for his country in the men's LC3/4 one-kilometre time-trial, a race for athletes with lower-limb disabilities. He also set a Paralympic record in the process. Fellow countrywoman Aileen McGlynn also took gold in the women's B&VI 1-3 one-kilometre time-trial. McGlynn, who is registered blind, competes with a pilot rider. Darren Kenny took a third cycling gold for Great Britain in the CP3 individual pursuit.

There are a number of inspiring stories coming out of this year's Paralympic games. Check out the US Paralympic Team website and I encourage you to keep yourself posted on these incredible and courageous athletes.