When last we saw them: Finished 43-39, second in the Southeast Division and fifth overall in the East. Suffered what is becoming their annual "Elimination by the Cleveland Cavaliers" in the first round of the playoffs.

Can't feel their faces: Dee Brown, JaVale McGee, Juan Dixon

Can feel his face: Roger Mason

The Good: The Wizards generate some of the best player nicknames in the league: Agent Zero, the Black President, Hibachi, Tough Juice, Ocho, the Locksmith, Mister 50, Big Oily, the Poet, the City, Bean Burrito, The White Hole, Gypsy Number 9...why, they've even nicknamed their A and B teams (Big Money and Little Money). They spent a gajillion dollars over the summer to retain two parts of their three-man core. And since it's unlikely other teams would trade for the gajillion-dollar contracts of Agent Zero Knee Cartilage and Antawn "Why don't I have a cool nickname?" Jamison, they'll probably be Wizards for life. Gilbert Arenas can put up a lot of points (when healthy) and be a potent playmaker (once his own shot-lust is satiated). Antawn Jamison continues to score (21.4 PPG) and rebound (10.2) despite being on the other side of 30. Caron Butler has developed into a big-time basket maker (20.3 PPG), an above-average boardsman (6.7 RPG) and a latter-day point forward (4.9 APG). DeShawn Stevenson doesn't back down to anybody. Andray Blatche, Antonio Daniels, Nick Young and newcomer Juan Dixon should give them okay production off the pine. Etan Thomas is back. Oh, and hey, they ranked fifth in free throw percentage (78.2) last season!

The Bad: They spent a gajillion dollars over the summer to retain two parts of their three-man core. Don't get me wrong. I love Gilbert Arenas. I do. He's a funny guy and a natural born entertainer. But I didn't see the Wizards offering Dane Cook a $100 million contract over the summer. Hibatchi is a volume shooter who, over the course of his career, hits about 42 percent of his field goal attempts. His teams have never won anything of significance. His knees continue to betray him. Oh, and the Wiz actually seemed to play better without him last season. Jamison is in his 30s and coming off a knee injury, so it's likely his effectiveness is going to diminish. DeShawn Stevenson may be an hombre, but he also has a very limited skill set...only he doesn't quite realize it. Brendan Haywood, last year's surprise player, is expected to miss most of the season while recovering from wrist surgery. They often get too caught up in trash-talk battles. Although this team won 43 games last season, advanced mathematics and voodoo tell us that they weren't even that good. The reason? Washington was painfully mediocre (or worse) in almost every conceivable category: 30th in opponents' three-point percentage (38.6), 27th in assists (19.6), 22nd in field goal percentage (44.6), 20th in opponents' field goal percentage (46.1), 19th in free throw attempts (24.3), 17th in three-point percentage (35.6), 15th in point differential (-0.3), 14th in scoring (98.8), 14th in rebound differential (+0.40) and 12th in points allowed (99.2). So, you know, it's hard to imagine this team becoming a serious contender with or without Arenas.

Fun Facts: Name drama! The Wizards franchise began as the Chicago Packers in 1961-62. The next season, they changed their name to the Zephyrs. In 1963, the franchise moved to Baltimore and became the Baltimore Bullets. In 1974, they moved to Washington and became the Capital Bullets, but that name was changed to the Washington Bullets one year later. In 1995, owner Abe Pollin announced that the franchise was to be renamed because Bullets sounds really scary and Washington, at that time, was the murder capital of the United States. A contest was held to choose a new name and the choices were narrowed to the Dragons, Express, Stallions, Sea Dogs, or Wizards. (Personally, I'm bummed out that Sea Dogs wasn't chosen.) On May 15, 1997, the Bullets officially became the Washington Wizards. The change generated some controversy because Wizard is a rank in the Ku Klux Klan. This proves, once again, that you can and will offend one or more people no matter what you do. On to other subjects. The franchise has produced only one MVP: Wes Unseld in 1969. The team has also produced three Most Improved Players: Pervis Ellison (1992), Don MacLean (1994) and Gheorghe Mureşan (1996). Of course, those players immediately de-improved after winning the award...

Videotastic extra: And now...Agent Zeroes funniest hits!

When last we saw them: Finished 54-28, first in the Northwest Division and fourth overall in the West. Lost to the Lakers in the Western Conference Semifinals in part because they fouled Kobe 752 times, of which about 837 were called.

Reluctantly moved to Salt Lake City: Ante Tomic, Brevin Knight, Kosta Koufos, Tadija Dragicevic...okay, now seriously, those non-Brevin Knight names were made up, right?

Gleefully left Salt Lake City: Dee Brown (Jerry Sloan is a great coach, but I guess he can't teach height), Jason Hart

The Good: Jerry Sloan runs a tight ship. He also makes a mean quiche, but his hobbies aren't important right now. Sloan-coached teams are always taught to play a certain style. It's called: Playing Basketball The Way It's Supposed To Be Played. Now, PBTWISTBP leads to focus on defense and discipline on offense, and that has made the Jazz outstanding in several areas. Last season, those areas included the following: 2nd in field goal percentage (49.7), 2nd in assists (26.4), 2nd in free throw attempts (28.0), 3rd in steals (8.7), 3rd in forcing turnovers (15.9), 4th in point differential (+6.9), 4th in rebound differential (+3.07), 5th in scoring (106.2) and 10th in three-point percentage (37.2). Not bad considering that Utah doesn't have a bunch of amazing athletes or a LeBron-level superduperstar. Still, they have talent, and that starts with their All-Star duo of Deron Williams (18.8 PPG, 10.6 APG, 51 percent shooting) and Carlos Boozer (21.1 PPG, 10.4 RPG, 55 percent shooting). These guys fit into Sloan's system so well you'd think Jerry built them in a lab. (And, really, are we sure he didn't?) Williams makes guys better, period, and Boozer is a force in the paint and on the boards. The supporting cast also play their roles to perfection. Mehmet Okur can clean the glass and draw opposing big men out of the paint with his long-distance shooting. Andrei Kirilenko defends as if his life depends on it (and knowing Sloan, it probably does) and is a nightly five-by-five threat (when he's not sulking over a lack of shot attempts). Kyle Korver is the three-point specialist. Matt Harpring is the muscle and toughness. Ronnie Brewer is their Intangible Man (although, come to think of it, 12 PPG on 56 percent shooting is pretty tangible). And Brevin Knight is the perfect backup PG in a Sloan system. Oh, and it's also worth noting that the Jazz are nearly invincible at home: Last season, they were an NBA-best 37-4 in the Mormon-filled confines of EnergySolutions Arena.

The Bad: As noted, the Jazz certainly are focused on defense. But "focused" doesn't always mean "successful." The Jazz just don't have a lot of athletes. Read that: They are a slow, plodding team. Their interior defense is soft (Okur) and undersized (Boozer). Moreovers, they often get killed in one-on-one matchups and have to resort to what is known as "The Hack." They were dead last in the league in committing personal fouls (1970) and giving up free throw attempts (2468). Hey, if it's true that defense wins championships - and it certainly has been for most of the decade - then it's also true that a lack of defense loses them. Defense isn't the only concern for this team. Boozer had a well-documented playoff flameout: His averages dropped like a stong (16.0 PPG on 41.5 percent shooting). And he looked pretty out of place on Team USA this summer. AND it's a contract year for him. So who knows what the Jazz can expect from him. Kirilenko is an on-again, off-again head case. Matt Harpring can't seem to stay healthy (his latest affliction, an ankle infection, cost him preseason preparation). Their depth at center (Jarron Collins, Kosta Koufos) is gak-worthy.

Fun Facts: The Jazz attempted 39 percent of their shots from inside (six feet or closer) last season...best in the league. Due in part to the persistent begging and pleading of Deron Williams, Jazz introductions at EnergySolutions Arena will now have the same dramatic music and lighting as every other team in the league. Jerry Sloan must be thrilled. Speaking of Utah's home court, the Jazz are 68-14 there over the last two seasons. Only the Dallas Mavericks (70-12) have had a better home record. I know this always gets a lot of press, but Sloan has been Utah's head man for 21 seasons! Dude's NEVER going away. Mehmet Okur hit 114 threes last season. Not surprisingly, that tops among NBA centers.

Videotastic extra: Ouch.

When last we saw them: Finished 56-26, second in the Southwest Division and tied for second overall in the West. Eliminated by the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals after Manu Ginobili blew a tire.

New: George Hill, Roger Mason, Salim Stoudamire

Oooooold: Brent Barry, Damon Stoudamire, Robert Horry

The Good: You know, any 2008-09 San Antonio Spurs preview is going to read like most 2007-08 Spurs previews. Tim Duncan is one of the best power forwards ever, one of the best centers ever, and one of the best forward-centers ever. Nothing's changed there. (Nor has the fact that he will remain boring and overlooked...except by the people who fall all over themselves to remark on how overlooked he is.) Tony Parker can get to the hoop at will and stick that little midrange jumper more often than you think he should. Manu Ginobili drives, shoots and flops as well as anybody. (And, actually, he flops better than just about anybody.) Gregg Popovich will use his mad scientist-like genius to manage the Three Amigos' minutes and make all the spare parts play with surprising effectiveness. They will continue to be a smothering defensive team while running a precise and efficient (read that: slow and boring) offense. In other words: Same old, same old. To spice things up, here are a few words from Liston of Introducing Liston: "Uh, duh, we're the Spurs. We run shit. We have Tim Duncan and, in case you hadn't heard, he's a super robot sent back in time to do two things: (1) win championships, and (2) wear button-up shirts with anime on them like a total hardass. And don't give me any of that 'Well, you guys are old and Manu is already hurt and Tony's jumper is, for the most part, unreliable again and last year Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant showed how someone intent on driving into the lane can totally make you guys look like crap' crap."

The Bad: They're old. Yes, again, just like they were last season. Only, you know, plus one year. Bruce Bowen is 37, Kurt Thomas is 36, Michael Finley is 35, Fabricio Oberto and Jacque Vaughn are both 33, Duncan is 32 and Ume Idoka is 31. Hell, the Spurs had to leave Robert Horry and Damon Stoudamire unsigned just so they could go to McDonald's and buy coffee without having the senior citizen discount forced on them. At some point, they're going to have to restock the shelves with some young, top-tier talent. Right? Ginobili isn't expected back until mid-December due to ankle surgery, and that guy is wicked-important to everything the Spurs do (including shoe-tying Rubik's cube-solving and bathroom-going). According to some complex metrics and voodoo doctoring, the Spurs completely forgot how to make pointage at the end of last season and into the playoffs. And, in case you didn't know, the NBA still requires teams to outscore them opponents to claim victory. Now, more from Liston: "The Spurs are old and Manu is already hurt and Tony's jumper is, for the most part, unreliable again and last year Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant showed how someone intent on driving into the lane can totally make us look like crap."

Fun Facts: Last season, Manu Ginobili was fourth - behind LeBron, Kobe Bryant and Dirk Nowitzki - in clutch scoring, netting five points per 48 minutes of "clutch time" (the last five minutes of the fourth quarter or overtime). Tony Parker has shot an average of 52.2 percent since 2005-06, and no guard has shot better in that time period. TD has snared 595 double-doubles since the start of the 1997-98 season, second only to Kevin Garnett (605). Still more from Liston: "Gregg Popovich grew a beard over the summer and, to quote myself, 'Having a beard is like using your face to silently tell people, I will fight you simply because it's Tuesday. With regard to masculinity, it's the penultimate facial accessory. It's less clichéd than a mustache, more intentional than a scar (that might be the official slogan, actually). Essentially, that fact alone should guarantee another 'ship. And, honestly, I'd be surprised if we lost one game this year.'"

Videotastic extra: And now you, too, have been Ginobili'd.

When last we saw them: Finished 41-41, second in the Atlantic Division and sixth overall in the East. Season ended in the first round as they played Lex Luthor to Orlando's Superman. Actually, they lost in five games, so they were more like the Terrible Toyman than Luthor.

Welcome to Canada: Jermaine O'Neal, Jermaine O'Neal's giant contract, Jermaine O'Neal's history of injuries, Hassan Adams, Nathan Jawai (is that the plural of "Jawa"?), Roko Ukic (sounds like an enemy of the mighty Thor), Willie Solomon

So long ya hosers: Carlos Delfino, Maceo Baston, Primoz Brezec, Rasho Nesterovic, T.J. Ford

The Good: For starters, the Raptors could do much worse than having Chris Bosh as their franchise player: Dude averaged 22.3 PPG and 8.7 RPG last season, and he was Team USA's best big man in the Olympics. Over the summer, Bryan Colangelo transformed "me, me, ME first" point guard T.J. Ford (and some other garbage) into big man Jermaine O'Neal, who can provide scoring both inside and out (mostly out), rebounding (9+ per game from 2001 to 2007), and interior defense (just a shade under 2.0 blocks per game for his career). And trading Ford means that controls to the machine have been turned over to Jose Calderon, who really was the team's best PG last season: He averaged 11.2 PPG and 8.3 APG, was a dead-eye shooter (51.9 percent from the field and 42.9 percent from downtown), and led the NBA in assist-to-turnover ratio (see Fun Facts). And his numbers were even better in the 48 games he started: 13.2 PPG, 8.8 APG and only 1.9 TOV. In 2007-08, Toronto was second in the NBA in three-point field goal percentage (39.2) thanks to the extreme heat generated by Jason Kapono (48.3 percent) and Anthony Parker (43.8). And it's not like those numbers were one-season aberrations: Kapono is the NBA all-time leader in career three-ball percentage at 46.4, and Parker ranks seventh at 42.5. Having not one but two quality big men in the post should mean many more open shots from the outside this season. And although the team disappointed by winning only 41 games last year, there's reason to believe there was some unmined gold under the frozen tundra: According to basketball-refernece.com, the Raptor's Pythagorean W-L record was 49-33. And bringing in a talented, defensive-minded center and settling the point guard issue should make them even better. The key word being "should."

The Bad: How to define the mixed feelings regarding O'Neal? Well, let me put it this way: David Stern is considering legally changing O'Neal's middle name to "If he stays healthy." Dude has missed 40 percent of his team's games over the last four seasons. It's like his body is aging at an accelerated rate, which is great for science fiction and bad for basketball. Especially when the player in question is also making $20 million a year.(As a Pacers fan, I nicknamed him Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal last season). There's been a lot of talk about how much better Toronto's offense operates when Calderon is running the point (6.0 more points per 100 possessions). But that positive effect doesn't carry over to the defensive end: The mighty dinos give up 4.6 more points per 100 possessions when Calderon is on the floor. So, you know, Jose giveth and Jose taketh away. Chris Bosh has been playing summer ball for Team USA for the past three summers, so you have to wonder whether he's going to be a wee bit gassed going into the season. And for all the talk of Bosh and O'Neal being "complimentary big men," the reality is that both guys would rather feed themselves on a steady diet of 15-foot fadeaways than mix it up on the inside. Plus, O'Neal's a bad passer, a turnover machine (2.0 per game over his career) and needs to use about 23.5 seconds off the clock to set up his shot. Andrea Bargnani plays as if he's locked in mortal combat with Kwame Brown for the title of "Worst Number One Overall Draft Pick Ever." Speaking of the support staff, this is not a deep team. Kapono and Barnani are the best of what they have coming off the bench. After that, it's all Jay Humphries, Joey Graham and Roko Ukic. Which should make you mutter "uh oh..." if you're a Raptors fan.

Fun Facts: According to a Sports Illustrated scouting report: "Since turnovers became an official statistic in '77-78, only the Hornets' Muggsy Bogues (two times) had a better assists-to-turnover ratio than Jose Calderon's 5.38 to 1 last season (minimum 300 assists)." The dinos have been hit with 24 technical fouls over the last two seasons, which is the fewest of any NBA team. Toronto gave up 106.3 PPG during the 15 games Bosh missed last season...quite a difference from the 95.3 PPG they held opponents to when he was in the lineup. When the team was founded, many people wanted to name it after the 1946–47 Toronto Huskies, which was the last NBA squad to play in Canada. However, the team was concerned the logo would look too much like Minnesota's timberwolf, so a nationwide name-the-team contest was held. Over 2,000 entries were narrowed down to 10 possibilities: Beavers, Bobcats, Dragons, Grizzlies, Hogs, Raptors, Scorpions, T-Rex, Tarantulas, and Terriers. Personally, I would have gone with the Beavers - great comedic potential - but the name Raptors was finally chosen due to the popularity of the film Jurassic Park.

Videotastic extra: The secret of Chris Bosh's Olympic success? Training.

When last we saw them: Finished 38-44, fourth in the Pacific Division and 11th overall in the West. I guess it's not so good to be King.

Garbage in: Bobby Brown, Donte Greene, Jason Thompson

Garbage out: Anthony Johnson, Ron Artest

The Good: When a team is rebuilding - as the Kings have been for, like, several years now - it's best to start with a young star-in-the-making. And, fortunately for the Kings, they seem to have that in Kevin Martin. Last season, Speedracer - I refuse to call him "K-Mart" by the way - showed the Association that he can score with anybody (finishing sixth at 23.7 PPG), stick it from downtown (hitting 40.2 percent of his three balls) and slice his way through opposing defenses on his way to the hoop (which is probably why he hit a league-leading 8.2 free throws per game). John Salmons has the potential to be a better second-banana than most people realize. Sure, his season stats weren't that impressive, but check out his splits. When the big guns were out with injury (November through January), Salmons was lighting it up (15.2 PPG, 52 percent shooting, 40 percent from downtown), plus his length and defensive mindset makes him a nice two-way player. Brad Miller can still average near to a double-double on a nightly basis (13.4 PPG and 9.5 RPG). He's also a pretty decent passer - he was second on the team with 3.5 APG - and reasonably tough (although he's not much for mixing it up in the low post). Beno Udrih provides steady play at the point, even if his name does sound like some sort of anti-flatulence medication. (Again, check out Beno's early and late season splits...from when Bibby was out with injury and then after he was traded. Not bad. Not great, but not bad.) Francisco Garcia is a capable put-it-in-the-basket-er, Mikki Moore does the dirty work, and Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Donte Greene give the team big bodies with loads of potential. Now that Ron "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" Artest and Mike "I'm never happy" Bibby are finally gone, all these young guys will have a chance to develop, both individually and collectively.

The Bad: The Kings can score (eighth in the league at 102.5 PPG last season) but can't defend (24th at 104.8 PPG). And now Artest, their best defender and only true stopper, is in Houston. Who's going to pick up that slack? Oh, and their ball movement is horrible: Sacramento ranked 29th in assists (19.1) and 30th in turnovers (16.1). Martin is good, but will he ever be anything more than Mitch Richmond: Part II? And, uh, didn't the team overpay for Udrih (five years, $32 million) and Garcia (five years, $30 million). There's no telling how much better - if any - those guys are going to be. Miller had a nice comeback season last year, but how much does he have left in the tank? Moore has been and always will be a severely limited player. The departures of Bibs and Ron-Ron opens the door for a youth movement, but it's impossible to tell who's going to hit and who's going to miss. At the end of the day, the Kings are comprised of one borderline All-Star, a few above-average veterans and a bunch of unproven young guys. That's bad news, especially in the West.

Fun Facts: Mikki Moore last season led the NBA in shooting fouls, committing four hacks for every shot he blocked...not a good ratio. The franchise has played in five different cities since it was founded: Rochester, Cincinatti, Kansas City, Omaha and Sacramento. The Kings are yet another team that, inexplicably, has retired more numbers than the Lakers: 1 (Nate Archibald), 2 (Mitch Richmond, the only Sacramento player as yet honored) 6 (Sixth Man, i.e., The Fans), 11 (Bob Davies), 12 Maurice Stokes), 14 (Oscar Robertson), 27 (Jack Twyman), and 44 (Sam Lacey). As the Royals, the team won the NBA title in 1951 by defeating the Knicks, four games to three. It is the franchise's one, lonely title. Their D-League affiliate is the Reno Bighorns.

Videotastic extra: Nice hair, Brad. However, Gene Keady does not approve.

When last we saw them: Finished 41-41, third in the Northwest Division and a "the future is bright" 10th overall in the West.

Here they come: Brandon Rush, Ike Diogu, Jerryd Bayless, Luke Jackson, Nicolas Batum, Rudy Fernandez, Shavlik Randolph

There they go: James Jones, Jarrett Jack, Josh McRoberts, Von "I'm not a German sugar cookie" Wafer

The Good: The team is smart and disciplined, both on offense and (even better) defense (where they ranked eighth in both opponents' field goal percentage and points allowed). There's this big guy, oh crap, what's his name again...? Oh, yeah, Greg Oden. Anyway, this relatively unknown kid out of The Ohio State University might just make something out of himself someday. All kidding aside, this guy is a double-double/shot-blocking machine waitng to be unleashed on the NBA. And Oden's mere presence is going to draw defensive attention away from his teammates. That should make life easier on Brandon Roy, who's Portland's best player (19.1 PPG, 4.7 RPG, 5.8 APG). Roy does and says all the right things and works tirelessly - seriously, he doesn't sleep - to improve his game. LaMarcus Aldridge can fill the hoop (17.8 PPG) and clean the glass (7.6 RPG). Travis Outlaw is quietly effective (13.3 PPG, 39 percent three-point shooting) and has a wicked-cool name. Steve Blake is relatively decent at the point and Jerryd Bayless is the heir to that throne. (It's okay, Steve. You'll make a great backup when that day comes!) Like Bayless, Rudy Fernandez is another one of those "gonna be really special someday" rookies. Martell Webster provides pointage off the bench. (Or he will when he returns from foot surgery, anyway.) Joel Przybilla is a Vanilla Godzilla on the boards. Plus, he blocks (or diverts) shots and won't complain about PT (which is a good thing now that Oden's back). Did I mention this team is deep? They ranked fifth in bench points (34.0 per game) last season...and they added even more good players. The sky's the limit for this bunch.

The Bad: This team's biggest obstacle in the immediate future is managing expectations. Sure, they won 41 games last season, but, to be frank, they overachieved to do it. Seriously, they ranked pretty poorly in several major statistical categories: 30th in steals (5.5 per game), 29th in forcing turnovers (12.5), 27th in scoring (95.4), 26th in free throw attempts (22.5), 21st in blocks (4.4), 20th in field goal percentage (.448), 20th in rebound differential (-1.01) and 18th in assists (21.1). From that perspective, it's surprising they reached the 40-win plateau in the ultra-competitive Western Conference. (And, indeed, according to basketball-reference.com's Pythagorean W-L formula, they should have won around 38 games). Yet many people expect the Blazers - due to the return of Oden and the arrival of Bayless and Fernandez - to jump from "plucky overachievers" to "championship contender." It might not work out that way this season. I mean, Bayless and Fernandez are rookies. For that matter, so's Oden. They're going to face the same learning curve every other NBA rookie has to endure. The Blazers are going to be superduper special someday...but that day might be a wee bit later rather than sooner. And that could take a toll on the team's psyche. Plus, it's great having a surplus of talent and all that, but it's going to be nearly impossible to give each player the minutes he deserves. That can lead to grumpiness and hard feelings on the best of teams. Also, I think they're going to miss James Jones - who shot a sizzling 44 percent from beyond the arc last season - more than most people suspect.

Fun Facts: Last season, Portland was ranked dead last in fast break points (7.9 per game). They were also last in points in the point (31.2). The Blazers had three number one overall drafts picks before Oden: LaRue Martin (1972), Bill Walton (1974), and Mychal Thompson (1978). Speaking of which, the Blazers have taken their fair share of draft day criticism. And I'm not just talking about the Bowie-over-MJ thing. They chose Martin over Bob McAdoo (who would be named league MVP in 1975) and Thompson over Larry Bird (who was, you know, Larry Bird.) And going back to the Bowie thing for a second, Portland didn't just pass on Jordan, they also missed out on Charles Barkley and John Stockton. The Blazers greatest rivalry is with...a newspaper called The Oregonian. Seriously. Portland has retired numbers for eight players, a rather astonishing number for a team that's captured exactly one league championship. Those numbers are: 13 (Dave Twardzik, 1976–80), 14 (Lionel Hollins, 1975–80), 15 (Larry Steele, G, 1971–80), 20 (Maurice Lucas, 1976–80 and 1987–88), 22 (Clyde Drexler, 1983–95), 32 (Bill Walton, 1974–78), 36 (Lloyd Neal, 1972–79), 45 Geoff Petrie, 1970–76). Oh and apparently everybody wants to dunk on Greg Oden.

Videotastic extra: Greg Oden really loved Transformers. That's fine and everything, but...four stars, Greg? Really? Are you sure you didn't sleep through the section between the opening and ending credits?

When last we saw them: Finished 40-42, third in the Atlantic Division and seventh overall in the East. Gave Detroit a nice little scare in the first round...until the Pistons woke up.

On the menu: Donyell Marshall, Elton Brand, Kareem Rush, Marreese Speights, Royal Ivey, Theo Ratliff.

Off the menu: Calvin Booth, Herbert Hill, Kevin Ollie, Louis Amundson, Rodney Carney, Shavlik Randolph...in other words, absolutely nobody of note.

The Good: The Sixers already looked like a team on the rise - they went 22-12 over the final two-ish months of the season, barging into the playoffs for the first time in three years. Then they made the free agent coup of the summer: Signing Elton Brand, a certified 20-10 guy and one of the best (and only) low post scorers in the Association. That was a major upgrade, especially for a running team (like Philly) that often struggled in its half court sets last season. And, like I said, this team had been improving even before they added Brand. They developed into an excellent defensive team in 2007-08: Fourth in steals (8.7), fifth in opponent turnovers (15.7) and seventh in opponent scoring (96.2). They were also ranked fifth in rebounding (41.9) and sixth in rebound differential (+2.69). However, they did most of their work on the offensive glass, where they ranked second (behind Cleveland) at 13.0 per game. The arrival of Brand, who has averaged 10.2 RPG for his career, will help their defensive rebounding, which, in turn, will generate more fast breaks...and that’s Philly's bread and butter. Beyond all that, Andre Miller (17.0 PPG, 4.0 RPG, 6.9 APG) has developed into a top ten point guard, Andre Iguodala (19.9 PPG, 5.4 RPG, 4.8 APG), is one of those "does it all" guys (plus he should be all warm and fuzzy about that huge re-up he just signed), and Samuel Dalembert (10.5 PPG, 10.4 RPG, 2.3 BPG) blasts the glass (especially on the offensive end) and plays Dennis the Defensive Menace. With Brand as his new paint partner, look for Sammy to roam around and provide even better help D. Marreese Speights, Louis Williams and, of course, legend-in-the-making Thaddeus Young will provide youth, enthusiasm and talent off the bench, while Donyell Marshall and Kareem Rush give veteran guidance. Edit: They also have Reggie Evans, who is the greatest rebounder IN THIS UNIVERSE AND ANY OTHER. I mean, he really goes after the BALLS.

The Bad: This team is well-stocked for a strong season. But while they're good - really good, even - in most areas, where are they great? Brand fills a box score, but he's never been (and probably never will be) a team leader. The only time one of Brand's teams became successful was when they acquired Sam Cassell, who was playing for a contract...and thus providing the ballsy leadership that Brand does not. In fact, if you take a long, hard look at Philly's roster - or even a quick glance - you'll notice they don't have a single one of those "grab the other team by the throat and squeeeeeze" guys. Where's the killer instinct going to come from? And, for that matter, what about their long distance shooting? They ranked 30th (a.k.a. dead last) in three-point marksmanship at 31.7 percent as a team. Sure, they added Marshall and Rush for help with the three-ball [snicker], but that's not going to exactly dissuade teams from collapsing on Brand. The Sixers also struggle (and by "struggle" I mean "blow chunks") at the line, where they also ranked 30th at 70.6 percent. They've been almost universally proclaimed as "This year's Celtics." That's a lot of pressure on a young team that's wedging in a huge new puzzle piece. Can they handle the expectations?

Fun Facts: According to Sports Illustrated: "Miller, playing alongside athletic wing players as well as the explosive Dalembert, ranked third in the NBA last season in dunk assists with 149, trailing only Steve Nash and Chris Paul." According to the Sporting News, Philly has won 50 games only once in the last 18 years after winning at least 50 games 10 times in 14 seasons from 1976-77 to 1989-90. According to me, the Sixers team dancers are both hot and brainy. The best Sixers quote ever? "Fo', Fo', Fo'." Speaking of which, Philly has yet to officially retire Moses Malone's number...but they don't let anybody wear it anymore, either. What's up with that?

Videotastic extra: Um...okay.

When last we saw them: Finished 52-30, first in the Southeast Division, third overall in the East. Went buh-bye in the conference semis, courtesy of their semi-nemeses the Pistons.

Here: Anthony Johnson, Courtney Lee, Dwayne Jones, Mickael Pietrus

There: Carlos Arroyo, James Augustine, Keyon Dooling, Maurice Evans, Pat Garrity

The Good: Dwight Howard is like the monster under your bed, only in this case "your bed" is that painted region under most regulation NBA baskets. Last season, Supes averaged career highs in points (20.7), rebounds (14.2) and blocks (2.2), and many people expect him to take the Next Big Step in the coming months. Hedo Turkoglu went from "decent complimentary piece" to "certified second banana" (19.5 PPG, 5.7 RPG, 5.0 APG and countless clutch shots). Rashard Lewis provides points (18.2 PPG) and strokage from outside that big half-circle (a team-high 226 threes on 41 percent shooting in 07-08). Past their three-man boom-boom-boom, Jameer Nelson gives them solid production at the one spot (10.9 PPG, 5.6 APG, 41.6 percent three-point marskmanship). The return of Tony Battie, a true power forward, will provide rebounding, interior defense, and the option to (at times) play Lewis at small forward, which is a better fit for him. Mickael Pietrus can provide some defensive stoppage on the perimeter, something the Magic have been sorely missing. J.J. Redick might be ready to actually, you know, play and stuff (10.5 PPG, 51.1 percent shooting and 10 three-pointers in six preseason games). Courtney Lee — selection number 22 in this year's draft — rocked the NBA Summer League for 20 PPG, so he might be ready to contribute sooner than expected. Oh, and coach Stan Van Gundy is always good for a few funny quotes and/or Ron Jeremy references. Plus, fans love his suits.

The Bad: Their front court was dominant last season...but there are some reasons for concern. Howard and Turk both had perfect attendance, and Lewis missed only one game. Odds are against all three of them staying so healthy over another 82-game meat grinder. Howard is amazing, but he needs to stay focused, improve defensively and (even more so) at the line, and add some offensive moves so that he's not as reliant on his freakish athleticism. After signing that $122 million contract last summer, Lewis' averages in points, rebounds and field goal percentage all dropped from his last year in Seattle, a trend that continued (and worsified even) in the playoffs. Can Turkoglu build on what he did during last year's breakout season? Particularly since he plans to opt out of his contract next summer and the Magic - who have $200+ million wrapped up in Lewis, Howard and Nelson - might not be able to re-sign him. That means, of course, they might seriously consider moving him before the trade deadline. Even if they don't, they'll probably at least explore the idea, and that kind of distraction rarely improves individual play and team chemistry. More troubling, however, is Orlando's so-so starting back court. At a mere six feet short - and that's probably being generous - Nelson is undersized and gets regularly pushed around by the league's bigger guards (which is just about everybody). Keith Bogans is, technically speaking, a starting shooting guard in the NBA, but his defense and shooting (41 from the field, 36 from three) are both "eh," and he can't really break his opponents down or create his own shot attempts. The team's depth is more than a little iffy, as meaningful production from the Redick, Pietrus, Battie, Lee and Brian Cook combo platter is hardly a sure thing. And, finally, this team has Shaqnopsis at the charity stripe: In 2007-08, the Magic were third in the league in free throw attempts (28 per game) but only 27th in free throw percentage (72.1 percent). As we all know, a few missed 'throws here or there often means the difference between winning and lo-hoo-hoosing.

Fun Facts: Dwight Howard had 69 double-doubles last season, tops in the league. He also racked up eight double-doubles in Orlando's 10 playoff games. In 2007-08, Howard was hacked on 30 percent of his shot attempts, also tops in the league. By, like, a lot. (Amare Stoudemire was second at 24 percent). Alas, despite leading the NBA in free-throw attempts (897), Howard shot a slightly-better-than-Shaq 59 percent at the line. Now here's a shocker for you: The Magic have shot an average of 46 percent from the field over the last five seasons, and that's better than any other team in the Association. (Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.) Like the Bulls, Heat, Raptors and Jazz, the Magic have a team rule that prohibits the wearing of headbands by its players during games. The Magic have only one retired number: 6 for "The Sixth Man - The Fans." Note that the number unretired in 2001-2002 for Patrick Ewing. Scott Skiles is Orlando's all-time leader in assists with 2,776.

Videotastic extra: The Magic's mascot, Stuff, would do anything for love. But he won't do that. No he won't do that.

When last we saw them: Finished 55-27, second in the Pacific Division and sixth overall in the West. Jammed a stake in the heart of the :07 Seconds or Less Era by getting eliminated by the Spurs yet again, this time in the first round of the playoffs.

Into the mix: Goran Dragic, Louis Amundson, Matt Barnes, Robin Lopez, Sean Singletary

Out of the mix: Brian Skinner, D.J. Strawberry, Gordan Giricek

The Good: For some reason, most people regard last season's Suns as some sort of tragic failure, but that's a mindbender to me. Sure, they finished "only" sixth in their conference, but they won 55 games...only two fewer than the first-place Lakers. The Shaq trade knocked them off course at first, but then they won 15 of their last 20 games to finish the regular season. Despite Shawn Marion's early-season malaise and the change of philosophy brought about by Shaq's arrival, the Suns still led the league in two-point percentage (53.8), three-point percentage (39.3), overall field goal percentage (50.0), true shooting percentage (59.0) and offensive efficiency (111.2) while ranking third in the league in scoring (110.1). That's a nigh-perfect offensive machine. And it was run, once again, by Steve Nash, who was a half-step slower than previous seasons maybe, but his numbers (16.9 PPG, 11.1 APG) stand up pretty well to his MVP years. And his shooting was out-of-this-reality: He hit 50.4 percent of his shots and - get ready to have your eyebrows singed off - 47.0 percent of his threes. Mind you, Nash has shot 50 percent from the field and 40 percent from downtown in each of his four seasons in Phoenix. I guess what I'm saying is that, when the Martian Men attack, I want Nash aiming our Anti-Alien Invasion Cannon. Amare Stoudemire (25.2 PPG, 9.1 RPG, 59.0 percent shooting) is a certified stat padder. Shaq can still churn out double-doubles - he averaged 12.9 PPG and 10.6 RPG after the trade - while hitting mostly from two feet or less (61 percent post-trade) and filling the paint with his enormous, uh, veteran cunning. Raja Bell is a tenacious perimeter defender and can stick the triple (40.1 percent from threeland last season). Leandro Barbosa is super-quick, Boris Diaw is super-versatile (when he can keep his head in the game), Grant Hill can contribute more leadership and better stats (13.1 PPG and 5.0 RPG) than most washed-up players, Matt Barnes and Robin Lopez will do whatever is asked of them without complaint, and Goran Dragic just might keep Nash from playing too many minutes. Oh, and rumor has it new coach Terry Porter is going to get the team to play defense this season. ("Defense" is where you try to keep the other team from scoring, by the way.)

The Bad: This is a squad that feels like it's already got one foot in the NBA Old Folk's Home: Bell is 32, Nash is 34, Grant Hill is about to turn 36, and Shaq is already 36. There's not much precedent of teams winning with a host of key players already that deep into their dotage. And that age has been harder on Shaq, both mentally and physically. He's missed 86 games over the last three seasons, either because he was injured and couldn't play or because he was consciously saving his legs for the playoffs. Beyond that, The Big Geritol is prone to fouls, turnovers and defensive boo-boos. Despite averaging almost 60 wins over four seasons in D'Antoni's fun 'n gun system, Steve Kerr decided to scrap everything that was amazing about the Suns and turn them into San Antonio Lite. Terry Porter is stressing defense over offense despite the fact that only one or two of the Suns have ever even played defense in their careers. And while that may be a (slight) exaggeration, major philosophical overhauls on veteran teams that are used to playing a certain way often have mixed results. Speaking of which, Kerr has talked openly about limiting Nash's minutes, maybe even keeping him out of entire games. But with Nash on the court last season, Phoenix scored 15.5 more points per 100 possessions than they did while he was laying on his stomach next to the bench. And yes: That was the biggest disparity for any player in the league. Stoudemire's productivity was at least partially reliant on the team's breakneck pace. Will he be as effective in a more standard half court game, especially if Porter is managing Nash's floor time? Grant Hill's health is always a question mark (and, natch, he had broken down by playoff time last year). The Suns aren't deep, and they're relying on two rookies - Dragic and Lopez - to bring it off the bench. Yikes.

Fun Facts: Steve Nash suffers from a medical condition called spondylolisthesis, a chronic and incurable condition that causes mild-to-severe muscle tightness and back pain. (Which is why you'll see Nash sprawled out next to the bench when he's out of the game.) This fact has always been treated rather casually, considering that players like, say, Kobe Bryant stop the world if they hurt, say, a pinky finger that doesn't seem to affect them in any way. The Suns ranked second in blocked shots last season (6.3 per game), a pretty amazing feat for a team that didn’t play D. Amare Stoudemire has committed 589 personal fouls over the last two seasons. That's 18 more than any other player in the league. In their 40 years of existence, the Suns have posted 17 50-win seasons, made eight trips to the Western Conference Finals, and reached the NBA Finals in 1976 and 1993. Still no championships, though.

Videotastic extra: Pat Burke may not be with the Suns anymore - is he even in the league? - but I'll never forget his hair restoration tonic...

When last we saw them: Finished 20-62, fifth in Northwest Division and 15th overall in the West. AND THEY WERE CALLED THE SEATTLE SUPERSONICS. Sorry about that. Still bitter, I guess.

The future: Desmond Mason, Devon Hardin, D.J. White, Joe Smith, Kyel Weaver, Russell Westbrook, Serge Ibaka

The past: Adrian Griffin, Cheetara, Donyell Marshall, Francisco Elson, Lion-O, Luke Ridnour, Panthro

The Good: They already have their franchise cornerstone in the form of last season's Rookie of the Year, Kevin Durant, who fills the basket the way a waiter at Ponderosa refills your Pepsi: Effective (20.3 PPG) even if he's a little sloppy (43 percent shooting from the field, 28 percent from beyond the arc). Plus, it looks like he spent the summer slurping down some Weight Gain 4000, and the added beefcake should help him both on defense (where, hopefully, he'll get to play in position this year) and on the boards (4.4 RPG last season). Jeff Green, who like Durant made the All-Rookie First Team, averaged a solid 10.5 points and 4.7 rebounds per game. And, like Durant, he started to catch fire at the end of last season: In April, Kevin averaged 24.3 PPG, 6.4 RPG and 4.1 APG, and Green added 15.6 PPG and 6.3 RPG. So it stands to reason they should both get better. Rookie Russell Westbrook has all the ingredients necessary to make an All-Star cookie, and, according to NBA.com, a scout who saw Westbrook at the Orlando summer league said: "He's flat out the best player here not named Kevin Durant." Oh, and of course all the stories out of UCLA indicate he's one of those "first one to the gym, last one to leave" kind of guys. (Although, isn't that phrase used to describe pretty much everybody these days? Does anybody ever actually leave the gym and go home anymore?) Nick Collison is almost a certified double-double guy (9.8 PPG and 9.4 RPG last season). Desmond Mason and Joe Smith are on hand to provide a little veteran leadership, which should hopefully keep Chris "I'm on a coffee break, okay?!" Wilcox in line. The people of Oklahoma already love them: The Thunder sold all 13,000 season ticket packages in only five days. And, trust me, this team is going to need all the love it can get...

The Bad: This team was B-A-D last season: 30th in point differential (-8.8 ppg), 29th in turnovers (16.0), 29th in assists allowed (24.4), 28th in three-point percentage (.333), 28th in three-point defense (.385), 27th in points allowed (106.3 ppg), 26th in rebounds given up (44.1), 26th in opponents’ turnovers (13.2), 23rd in steals (6.47) and 20th in field goal defense (.461). You'll note that a lot of those numbers point to atrocious defense. Durant is good. Really good. But he's not a Jedi yet. Green might be really good...some day. Westbrook, for all his talent, is a rookie PG who doesn't have a lot of quality teammates to pass to, and he'll probably be sitting behind Earl Watson on the depth chart. (At the start of the season, at any rate.) Chris Wilcox - who averaged 14.1 PPG, 8.2 RPG and shot 59.2 percent when he came to the team in the middle of the 2005-06 season - can't seem to maintain his focus and intensity on a nightly basis. Sometimes not even on a minute-by-minute basis. Their big men - Wilcox, Joe Smith, D.J. White, Nick Collison, Johan Petro, Mouhamed Sene - do not inspire fear, unless you have a terrible phobia specific to tall, ugly people. They've got a strong core with a bright future, but they won't be winning more than 30 games any time soon. And everybody knows it. Oh, and they have a stupid name.

Fun Facts: Since this is a team bereft of a past - I refuse to grant them the Sonics' team history - let's talk stats. According to SI.com: "Durant last season averaged 41.8 points per 48 minutes of clutch time (a five-point game in the last five minutes of the fourth quarter or overtime), which ranked sixth in the league. LeBron James led that category with 56.0 points." According to the Sporting News: "Kevin Durant ranked 92nd among 93 3-point shooters with at least 200 attempts last year. He made 28.8 percent of his 205 shots and was better than only Charlotte's Raymond Felton, who converted 28.0 percent from beyond the arc." According to most people in Seattle: Clay Bennett should die of gonorreah and rot in hell.

Videotastic extra: Here's a little eye candy for you: The Oklahoma Thunder City Dancers! Note that the initial audition took place in the Cox Convention Center. I'll go ahead and let you make your own joke about that one.

When last we saw them: Finished 23-59, fifth in the Atlantic Division, and next to last in the East. But to be fair, they were first in "number of 'Fire Isiah' chants generated."

Welcome to the nuthouse: Anthony Roberson, Chris Duhon, Danilo Gallinari

Free at least, thank the Lord, free at last: Fred Jones, Randolph Morris, Renaldo Balkman

The Good: Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone. Isiah Thomas is gone.

Sorry, but that point cannot be stressed enough. It's like saying "Grandma's Alzheimer's just went away!" or maybe "Uncle Jerry's 'stomach tumor' was only a wad of aluminum foil he swallowed." Human words can't possibly express the inexpressible goodness. And the Babyfaced Franchise Assassin was replaced as GM by consummate professional Donnie Walsh and as coach by the nation's leading fastbreakologist Mike D'Antoni. And...and...uh...yeah, that's about it. Okay. I'll try a little harder. How about this: The Knicks won't win that many more games than last season, but - thanks to D'Antoni's "fun 'n gun" style, watching them lose will be a lot more fun!

The Bad: Oh jeez, where to start. This is a team that ranked near the bottom of the NBA in so many categories last season it was like they were trying to suck: 30th in assists (18.7), 30th in blocked shots (2.6), 28th in opponents' field goal percentage (.474), 28th in opponents' turnovers (12.6), 27th in field goal percentage (.439), 27th in three-point percentage (.337), 26th in steals (6.4), 25th in point differential (-6.6), 23rd in free throw percentage (.7279, 22nd in points allowed (103.5). And all that's going to change because, what, Chris Duhon is running the point? Because that's the only major personnel change from last year's 23-win abomination. Sure, D'Antoni's running the show now (pun sort of intended), but is he really going to get the Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph to run without realistic and convincing threats of violence? And can runnin' and gunnin' really fix the team's obvious chemistry problems? Plus, the Knicks have been one of the league's six worst defensive teams (per possession) for the last four seasons. Somehow, I don't think Mikey Boy can repair the Knicks' defensive inadequacies; D'Antoni's teams couldn't guard somebody with a gun. And if all that wasn't ominous enough, Stephon Marbury is still around, hoggin' the ball and cap space. What I'm trying to say is that, so far, bringing in Walsh and D'Antoni is like putting curtains on a port-o-potty. The minor aesthetic modifications on the outside won't change the fact that what's on the inside still stinks.

Fun Facts: Let's talk numbers, shall we? The Knicks have averaged 16.4 Turnovers per game for the past three seasons, which is (not surprisingly) worst in the NBA. When Eddy Curry was in the game last season, New York committed 4.4 more turnovers per 100 possessions - which was the worst one-player impact in the league. (Curry averaged 2.1 turnovers in 25.9 minutes per game Isiah let him play.) "Big man" Zach Randolph averaged 0.2 blocked shots per game. His total of 16 blocks was two fewer than Fred Jones (who's a guard) and one fewer than Jamal Crawford (who is also a guard). The Knicks have not made the playoffs in four years. That's the team's longest dry spell in over 40 years (since 1966 to be exact). Stephon Marbury is tied (with Allen Iverson) as the league's second-highest paid player (behind Kevin Garnett) at $21,937,500.

Videotastic extra: And now, for your viewing pleasure, I present to you: Zach Randolph and the worst possession in NBA history.

When last we saw them: Finished 56-26, first in the Southwest Division, second in Western Conference. They lost in the Western Conference Semifinals to the desperados from San Antonio.

Welcome to the Big Easy: Devin Brown, James Posey

Na-na-nah-na, na-na-nah-na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye: Bonzi Wells, Chris Anderson (CAW!), Jannero Pargo

The Good: CHRIS PAUL. This kid is like a stick of dynamite covered in napalm and tossed into the Large Hadron Collider. This is how good Paul was last season: He was named All-NBA First Team, finished second (to Kobe Bryant) in the MVP voting, led the NBA in assists (11.6) and steals (2.7) and became the first guy in 15 years to average at least 20 points (21.1) and 10 assists. Plus, he got a major experience upgrade in last season's playoffs thanks to matchups against Jason Kidd (whom he destroyed) and Tony Parker (whom he gave a serious noogie). Oh, and then he went out and won a gold medal with Team USA. David West is a monster scoring the basketball (20.6 PPG last season) and on the boards (8.9 RPG). And, uh, he's a pretty fierce competitor. Tyson Chandler cleans the glass - he was third in the league in rebounds at 11.7 per game - and has an ESP-like alley-oop connection with Paul. Peja Stojakovic can still snipe from long distance (.441 from beyond the arc last year). And, of course, they lured James Posey away from the Boston Celtics this summer. Posey, as everyone knows, is a proven "final piece" to the championship puzzle. He can D-up perimeter players and drain clutch threes without fear. This team made a big jump last season, and they seem prepared to make The Leap.

The Bad: Depth. As in, they don't have any. Posey will be a terrific sixth man, sure, but peek behind West and Chandler in the front court and you'll see...Julian Wright, Ryan Bowen, Melvin Ely and Hilton Armstrong. Ouch. I mean, yeah, they are (technically speaking) NBA players. But just barely. (Okay, Wright has some nice potential, but he's only a second-year guy who won't be getting a lot of minutes.) The Hornets aren't exactly stocked in the backcourt either: Mike James, Morris Peterson, Rasual Butler, Devin Brown. I mean, the fact that Jannero Pargo's defection to Russia decimated their backcourt depth is a pretty bad sign. (By the way, Jannero, remember that in Russia, basketball plays you.) This not only means that the starters will likely be overworked - their "Big Four" averaged between 35 and 37 MPG last season - but also that a serious injury would prove to be a major setback: West's scoring, Chandler's rebounding, Peja's shooting and Paul's everything are all irreplaceable. Paul might be tired from his busy summer (although, fortunately, the dude's only 23 years old). Also, this team doesn't draw many fouls: They ranked 28th in the league last season at 20.8 per game.

Fun Facts: The franchise, as most of you know, was founded in Charlotte. However, what you might not know is that the team was to be named the Spirit. However, the organization held a name-the-team contest and "Hornets" was chosen. Why? Because of Charlotte's fierce resistance to British occupation during the Revolutionary War, which prompted Lord General Cornwallis to refer to it as "a veritable nest of hornets." This, of course, is less than meaningless now that the team is based in New Orleans, but whatever. Like the Miami Heat, the Hornets retired a number of a player who never even played for them: The Hornets retired Pete Maravich's number 7 during their first game in New Orleans in honor of the Pistol's basketball contributions to the area at LSU and with the city's former NBA team, the New Orleans Jazz. Only one former Hornet is in the Hall of Fame: Robert Parish, who played for the team from 1994-1996 when it was based on Charlotte.

Videotastic extra: Here's a fun insider's view of the Hornets' training camp. Note that, during shooting contests, Chris Paul isn't above starting over if he misses a couple shots.

When last we saw them: Finished Record: 34-48, fourth in the Atlantic Division, 10th overall in the East and 273rd in the Galactic Consol of Glartz

Placeholders: Bobby Simmons, Brook Lopez, Chris Douglas-Roberts, Eduardo Najera, Jarvis Hayes, Keyon Dooling, Ryan Anderson, Yi Jianlian

Cleared out for future LeBron cap space the purposes of winning: Bostjan Nachbar, Darrell Armstrong, DeSagna Diop, Marcus Williams, Nenad Krstic, Richard Jefferson

The Good: Okay, so, what's "good" about a team that's being rebuilt to win a few years from now? Well, this is going to sound nuts, but the Nets were an incredibly unselfish team last season: They racked up 1,925 assists, second-most (behind Toronto) in the East and sixth overall in the NBA. But it's even better than it sounds, because the Nets assisted on 67.4 percent of their field goals, which led the league. And ball movement leads to good basketball! Uh, right? [Glosses over last year's 10th place finish] ANYWAY...franchise centerpiece Vince Carter can do it all (21.3 PPG, 6.0 RPG and 5.1 APG last season). And maybe, with Kidd gone, Vinsanity will be inspired to give it his all and lead this young team to the playoffs. (Farfetched, I know, but still.) Devin Harris, the principle pickup in the Jason Kidd trade, is a young speedster who can score and dish, and Lawrence Frank is building the offense around his PG. Said Harris: "It's so wide open. There's no set down-picks and cross-screens. It's pretty much just reading off of what I do when I start the offense. It's me getting in the lane. It's pretty much predicated on what I do." They've assembled a young core (Boone, Williams, Jainlain, Lopez, Anderson and Douglas-Roberts) that might be really good. In a couple years. They brought in some veteran leaders (Najera, Dooling and Hayes) to keep the kiddies in line in the meantime. And, most importantly, management has arranged the books so they'll have only $25.6 million in salary for 2010-11...when, as we all know, LeBron "I heart New York" James will become a free agent.

The Bad: For starters, a team that's not being built to win right now probably, you know, won't win right now. That's enough to demotivate even the stoutest heart. And as we all know, Vince Carter doesn't have the stoutest of hearts. Seeing as how Mr. "I will freaking quit on you if things don't go my way" Carter is in the second year of that $61 million contract he signed last summer - all guaranteed money, by the way - I don't see him killing himself in the name of the team, do you? As noted, Frank is instituting an offense that can be described in short as "Give our point guard the ball then let him dribble the hell out of it until he finds an open teammate or forces up an outside shot." I'd feel better about that if the PG was Steve Nash. Devin Harris? Not so much. Even worse, there's reason to suspect that Harris has caught the Vince Carter Syndrome: In 39 games with the Mavs last season, Harris attempted 48 percent of his field goals from "inside" (six feet or closer). But in 25 games with the Nets, that number sunk to 34 percent. As did his field goal percentage: From 48.3 percent for Dallas to 43.8 percent for New Jersey. Yikes. Also, this is a team that was 25th in the league in scoring last season(95.8 PPG), and frankly, beyond Carter and Harris I have no idea where the points are going to come from this season. Especially if opposing teams choose to clog the lanes (which they will) and dare the Nets to try and beat them by hoisting bad jumper after bad jumper (which they totally will).

Fun Facts: The Nets won only four games in their division (the Atlantic) last season. Minnesota, Sacramento, Miami and Memphis were the only teams that won fewer games in their own division. The franchise was founded in 1967 as part of the ABA. The team was originally known as the New York Americans. However, owner Arthur Brown couldn't find anyone to host their games because nobody wanted to piss off the Knicks. So the team was forced to play in New Jersey and therefore changed their name to the New Jersey Americans. So, you know, the Nets have always been about EXCITING BASKETBALL ACTION (EBA). The Nets have had two players named Rookie of the Year: Buck Williams (1982) and Derrick Coleman (1991). It is said that during the later days of Tribulation, the Dark Lord will punish the unfaithful by making them watch Nets games over and over.

Videotastic extra: Sure, we've all seen it, but can we really get enough of watching Devin Harris schooled by a white British dude in a sweater?

When last we saw them: Finished 26-56, fifth in Central Division and an unlucky number 13 overall in the East.

Newly imprisoned: (Okay...deep breath...) Adrian Griffin, Damon Jones, Francisco Elson, Joe Alexander, Joe Smith Luc Mbah a Moute, Luke Ridnour, Malik Allen, Richard Jefferson, Tyronne Lue

Free at last: Bobby Simmons, Desmond Mason, Mo Williams, Royal Ivey, Yi Jianlian Trade

The Good: New head coach Scott Skiles is sort of a Dr. Frankenstein in the NBA in that he's built imposing monsters (in Phoenix and Chicago) out of a variety of mismatched and slightly decomposed parts. Michael Redd (22.7 PPG last season) and offseason acquisition Richard Jefferson (22.6) can fill it up from the perimeter. And Jefferson - who's an excellent defender, by the way - has actually, you know, experienced some serious playoff action...unlike most of his new teammates. Andrew Bogut is actually a pretty nice center to have around: Last season, he averaged career highs in scoring (14.3), rebounding (9.8) and blocked shots (1.7) and even dished out 2.6 assists a night (doing that on a single night would be a career-high for Eddy Curry, I think). Arbitrary statistic drumroll please: Since 2000, the only players to average 14 PPG, 9.5 RPG, 2.5 APG and 1.7 BPG in a season are Shaq, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, Elton Brand, Chris Webber, Pau Gasol and Bogut. Charlie Villaneuva is in a contract year, so you know he'll be busting his ass. And, uhm, wow...that's about it.

The Bad: Let's not mince words here: In 2007-08, the Bucks were to defense what George W. Bush is to the English language. They were dead last in opponents' field goal percentage (.480) and fourth-worst in opponents' three-point percentage (.384). It's called a hand in the face, people. You should really try it some time. But hey, that's why they brought in defensive swami Scott Skiles, right? But it remains to be seen whether he can transmute the marshmallowy softness of Redd and Bogut. Plus, can he get Vilanueva to, like, pay attention and stuff? And who the hell's Luke Ridnour going to guard? He'd get abused by most teams' ball boys. On the subject of Skiles, there's the another point to be made regarding that Dr. Frankenstein analogy: He has a history of wearing out his welcome rather quickly and then getting run out of town by mobs with torches. (Even on Christmas eve!) Outside of Bogut, their "best" frontcourt players - Dan Gadzuric, Francisco Elson, Malik Allen and Villanueva - would be a great group of guys to have around if all you wanted was help retrieving things off of shelves that are too high for you to reach. Their one-two punch at point guard (Ridnour and Ramon Sessions) is more like a weak slap. Oh, and did you notice they have 10 new players? Unless you added guys like, oh I don't know, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, that kind of turnover rarely leads to a dramatic turnaround.

Fun Facts: During last year's campaign of horrible, the Bucks made only 54.9 percent of their inside shots (from six feet and closer). That was second worst in the NBA behind the Bulls' 53.6 percent. The Bucks have won 52.6 percent of their games in their 40-year franchise history. That's a winning record! They won a coin flip against Phoenix to get the first pick in the 1969 NBA Draft, but they wasted it on some guy named Lew Alcindor. He must have been a total bust, because I can't find his name in any of the record books. The Bucks had the first overall pick three other times, and they used them on Kent Benson (1977), Glenn Robinson (1994) and Bogut (2005). Former first round pick fight! On Oct 18, 1977 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (the alter ego of that Lew Alcindor dude) punched Kent Benson during a game and broke his hand. FAIL. Finally, no expansion team in professional sports history earned a championship faster than the Bucks: They won the 1971 NBA title in their third season of existence.

Videotastic extra: And, once again, I give you the classic Andrew Bogut one-man high-five. I love this video so much, I want to sex it up and raise little YouTube children with it.

When last we saw them: Finished 22-60, fourth in Northwest Division and 13th overall in the West, sadly watching KG reach the promised land without them.

Shimmying on in: Brian Cardinal, Calvin Booth, Jason Collins, Kevin Love, Mike Miller, Rodney Carney

Shimmying on out: Antoine Walker, Greg Buckner, Marco Jaric, Antoine Walker (his departure is worth noting twice)

The Good: The Wolves have a solid franchise/foundation piece in Al Jefferson, who was the only NBA player to average at least 21 PPG and 11 RPG last season. (He was also only the second Minnesota player - with Kevin Garnett being the first - to ever accomplish that feat.) He loves to score and doesn't mind hitting the backboards (he grabbed 16+ rebounds 10 times in 2007-08). The Acquisition of Mike Miller should improve the Minny's lousy outside shooting (see below) and help spread the floor for Big Al to do his thing (double-teams severely limited Jefferson's effectiveness at certain points last season). First round draft pick Kevin Love's strengths are well known - high basketball IQ, footwork, solid mid and long-range shooting, "legendary" outlet passing, and an expansive inside scoring repertoire - but less well known is the fact that he's gotten himself into amazing shape. With Miller starting at the two-spot, Rashad McCants is going to be able to explode off the bench (he averaged 14.9 PPG last season). Randy Foye - who played only 39 games last season - is healthy and will be looking to build on last season's strong finish (Foye averaged 18.5 points, 5.2 assists and 3.0 rebounds in April). And the Foye/Sebastian Telfair combo is actually showing some promise.

The Bad: Last season, the Wolves were a bad offensive team: 29th in free throw attempts (20.7), 26th in scoring (95.6), 26th in assists (19.9) and 21st in three-point percentage (.350). To a certain extent, they addressed this by drafting Love and trading for Miller and Rodney Carney. But what seemingly went ignored during the offseason was their pitiful team defense: 29th in blocked shots (3.7), 27th in opponent field goal percentage (.472) and 21st in points allowed (102.4). They were also a poor rebounding team (-0.29) and got outscored by an average of 6.8 PPG (making them 26th in point differential). So all coach Randy Wittman has to do is get his guys to move the ball around, shoot a higher percentage from the field and beyond the arc, crash the boards and bust their asses on defense. Yup. That's all. Corey Brewer has loads of potential, but he was awful last year, shooting 34.7 percent from the field and 19.4 percent from three-point range. Jefferson acts as though playing defense might prove fatal. Moreover, he's playing out of position at center, and the guys behind him on the depth chart - Calvin Booth, Mark Madsen and the injured Jason Collins - are, at best, mock-worthy. And on top of all that, the Wolves are an exceptionally young team with little in the way of veteran leadership...which probably explains why they're so awful on the road (they were tied for the second-worst road record in the league last season at 7-34).

Fun Facts: Minnesota's team name was chosen as the result of a "Name that team" contest (Minnesota is home to the largest population of Timberwolves in the lower 48 states...about 1200). Their generous contributions to Boston's 17th championship are well noted, but note also that it was Kevin McHale's acquisition of Carney, Booth, and a first round pick from the Sixers that allowed Philly to clear the cap space necessary to sign Elton Brand this summer. So, you know, McHale continues to build Eastern Conference powerhouses. Speaking of McHale, take a look at his amazing draft picks from the last 10 seasons: Rasho Nesterovic, Andrae Patterson, Wally Szczcerbiak, William Avery, Louis Bullock, Igor Rakocevic, Loren Woods, Marcus Taylor, Ndudi Ebi, Rick Rickert, Blake Stepp, Rashad McCants, Bracey Wright, Brandon Roy (traded to Portland), Craig Smith, Bobby Jones (traded to Philly), Loukas Mavrokefalidis, Corey Brewer, Chris Richard, O.J. Mayo (traded to Memphis), Nikola Pekovic and Mario Chalmers (traded to Miami). WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, KEVIN?!

Videotastic extra: Does anybody else think that the NBA was insulting our intelligence by creating one of their "Where Amazing Happens" commercials for the 22-win Timberwolves? What’s next? “NBA Stadium Restrooms: Where Amazing Happens”?

When last we saw them: Finished 15-67, fifth in Southeast Division, 15th in the East, dead last in NBA...and in our hearts. [Insert sad walking away music here.]

Walking through that door: Jamaal Magloire, James Jones, Super Mario Chalmers, Michael Beasley, Shaun Livingston (maybe), Yakhouba Diawara (gesundheit!)

Not walking through that door: Alonzo Mourning (but I'm sure he's still flexing somewhere), Jason Williams, Ricky Davis, and all those D-Leaguers they had to sign just to have 12 warm bodies on the roster last season

The Good: Dwyane "I'm finally healthy again" Wade looked so good in the Olympics that it was like he'd been exposed to Cosmic Rays or rebuilt almost entirely out of bionic parts. He was strokin' the J, shutting people down, and running and dunking with an athleticism we'd all sort of forgotten he had. Shawn Marion brings that do-everything, can't-see-it-all-in-the-box-score goodness wherever he goes (even to children's parties!). And he's playing for a new contract. (Never underestimate the power of the Contract Year Phenomenon.) Michael Beasley was a monster in college (26.2 PPG and 12.4 RPG as a freshman at Kansas State last season), and he should be, like, a mini-monster almost immediately in the NBA (especially since he won't be the focal point of the team). Keep in mind that Beasely is one of, like, five or six low post scorers in the entire league. Udonis Haslem is strong on the boards and provides a steady stream of mid-range jumpers. Pat Riley's obsessive control freakiness will be operating upstairs and away from the players. (Unless he decides to descend from the darkness and take over again. But what are the chances of...oh, wait, never mind.) Oh, and Mark Blount could totally win a hot dog eating contest, any time, any place. Don't test him. Okay, okay, go ahead and test him.

The Bad: D-Wade, Marion and Beasley are a nice one-two-three combo, but past that? Mark Blount is their center. Their starting center. At the point, they'll be starting either Mario "I'm a rookie!" Chalmers, Marcus "Me, Me, Me!" Banks, or Chris "Holy crap how am I still in the league?" Quinn. That, my friends, is what we call a triple-threat negative. And when that kind of trash dubious talent finds its way into your starting lineup, it sort of indicates what you can expect from the bench (James Jones and Jamaal Magloire are as "good" as it gets.) Unless Wade lets these guys in on the Power of Greyskull or whatever it is he's been channeling lately, the Heat could be are in trouble. Mind you, this mish-mash of a team - the Heat had the highest player-for-player turnover in the entire league, by the way - is being governed by rookie head coach Erik Spoelstra, who's best known for...well, crap, I have no idea. Let me check his NBA.com bio: "Known for his game preparation and superb attention to detail as the Heat's Assistant Coach/Director of Scouting, Spoelstra had the primary role of developing game plans for upcoming opponents for the past seven seasons." So he was developing game plans for last year's 15-win squad? This should work out just great then!

Fun Facts: The team is referred to as the HEAT (all capital letters) in most official team publications. And I don't think it's a simple Caps Lock error, so let's do it here too! The HEAT have two retired numbers, and neither one honors a former HEAT player: The first is Michael Jordan's number 23 (because Pat Riley was secretly in love with him), and the second is Miami Dolphins legend Dan Marino's number 13 (because the HEAT felt sorry that Dan never won anything in his career). Rumor has it that when Riley finally calls it quits, the HEAT will become the first team to ever officially retire a former coach's hair. Only one HEAT player has ever received NBA Rookie of the Month Honors: Caron Butler did it four times (November 2002, January through March 2003). The HEAT's alternate logo is kinda lame. And I bet you never even knew they had an alternate logo. HEAT mascot Burnie was once sued for $1 million after he "assaulted" the wife of a U.S. federal court judge.

Videotastic extra: Speaking of Burnie, here's a little video where he gets assaulted. What is it with Pistons fans and throwing beers?

When last we saw them: Okay, okay. Chances are you never actually saw the Grizzlies last season. But they finished 22-60, fifth in the Southwest Division and 14th overall in the West.

Incoming: Antoine Walker, Darrell Arthur, Hamed "Who's Your" Haddadi, Marc Gasol, O.J. Mayo, Quinton Ross

Outgoing: Andre Brown, Brian Cardinal (major loss there), Jason Collins, Juan Carlos Navarro, Kwame Brown, Mike Miller

The Good: This might surprise you, given last year's Free Pau Gasol Giveaway, but the Griz have talent and a future. Their core is composed of former top 10 picks from the last three drafts: O.J. Mayo, Mike Conley and Rudy Gay. They've also got a couple new big boys to help up front: Darrell Arthur and Marc Gasol. Oh, and they're going to have some big bucks left over to throw at free agents in the summer of 2009. So yeah, the Grizzlies may be rebuilding, but they're off to a pretty good start. Gay is already firmly established, based on last season's numbers: 20.1 PPG, 6.2 RPG, and 2.0 APG. Mayo was immense in the NBA Summer League, averaging 18.8 points, 2.6 assists and 1.5 steals. He also hit a 69-foot buzzer beater against the Spurs and brutally posterized Hilton Armstrong. Arthur and Conley were also strong in Vegas, and Gasol - a former MVP from the Spanish ACB League - looked solid (if unspectacular) in the Olympic Summer Games. Basically, the team is full of youth, athleticism and excitement. Which is a hell of a lot better than the poop they were full of last year. Oh, and did I mention that Brian Cardinal and Kwame Brown are history? That's a textbook example of addition by subtraction.

The Bad: The thing about youth and athleticism is that it often comes hand-in-hand with foolish inexperience. So expect mistakes. Lots of them, probably. And that excitement gets a little hard to sustain in the midst of a 30-win (or less) season. The Griz have six guards on the roster, and five of them are PGs. Who's going to play the point? And who's going to be shoehorned into a backup SG role? Furthermore, Memphis is a little lacking in the size department, which could mean that Gay will have to slide over to the PF position at times...and that does not suit him. This is the first year that the words "potential breakout year" haven't been used describe Darko Milicic, and for good reason. Antoine Walker is still Antoine Walker. (Did you know that every time someone says his name, Antoine shoots a three-pointer? It's true.) Speaking of threes, Memphis is grievously weak from the outside, and the Miller trade sure didn't help that. They also struggled in various other categories last season, including free throw shooting (where they ranked 26th in the league), assists (where they ranked 28th) and turnovers (also 28th). But their biggest problem is not on offense. Last season, the Grizzlies were an atrocious defensive team: They finished tied for last in opponents' field-goal percentage (48.0) and 28th in points allowed (106.9). Historically speaking, youth movements don't usually lead to better defense, especially when the coach is talking so openly (and gleefully) about pushing the tempo.

Fun Facts: The Vancouver Grizzlies (along with the Toronto Raptors) were founded as an expansion franchise in 1995. Both teams were the first NBA teams to play in Canada since the 1946–47 Toronto Huskies. The Grizzlies were originally supposed to be named the Vancouver Mounties, but were forced to find a new name due to objections from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. (I wonder what they had to say about this guy?) In the 1995–96 season, the Griz lost 23 straight games from February to April, setting an NBA single-season record shared with the Denver Nuggets (the overall record of 24, stretching between seasons, is still held by the Cleveland Cavaliers).

Videotastic extra: NBA action in Memphis. It's grandparent-tastic!

When last we saw them: Finished 57-25, first in the Pacific Division and numero uno overall in the West. Made it all the way to the NBA Finals, where they were eliminated by the Boston Celtics in the league's first ever "six game sweep" (oh no, that's not going to motivate them at all...).

They're heeeeeeeere: Dwayne Mitchell, Josh Powell, Sun Yue

They're NOT heeeeeeeere: Ira Newble, Ronny Turiaf

The Good: There was very little turnover from a team that went to the NBA Finals. Kobe should still be in MVP form. Andrew Bynum is back to add muscle, rebounding, shot-blocking and those nifty little jump hooks. Thanks to Bynum's return, Grand Theft Gasol should get to spend significant time at PF instead of C, which better suits his marshmallowy goodness skill set. Derek Fisher oozes veteran leadership and, of course, hustle: Fish lead the league in drawing offensive fouls last season (54). Lamar Odom can do a little bit of everything and now gets to operate under the Kobe/Gasol/Bynum three-way safety umbrella (which is good, since Lamar tends to wilt under the bright lights). They're motivated after last season's Finals Fail. (Said coach Phil Jackson: "There's still a little angst and anger there.") They're pretty deep, with Sasha Vujacic, Jordan Farmar, Trevor Ariza, Luke Walton and Chris Mihm all coming off the bench. They're guided by a Hall-of-Fame coach and a proven offensive system: Last season they were third in field goal percentage (.476) and fourth in points scored (108.6). Sasha Vujacic is still The Machine. Let's face it, the Lakers can transmute lead into pure gold and transform evil into beautiful woodland fairies.

The Bad: Kobe might be a little worn down: He opted to forego pinky surgery, he's logged more minutes over the past three seasons (9,609) than any other player in the NBA (according to the Elias Sports Bureau), and he spent the summer playing for Team USA instead of getting a little R&R. Lamar Odom is (as always) a little off his rocker: Jackson said he might want to bring Odom off the bench, and Odom responded by saying, "He must have woke up and bumped his head. He probably hit his head on something - boom. To start off like that, you've got to be out of your...mind." Lovely, huh? Because I'm sure Odom knows more about basketball then Jackson. Speaking of player discontent, Andrew Bynum apparently "oozed petulance" when asked if he liked coming off the bench. His response, highlighted by an eye-roll, was "Not at all." (Hey, it wouldn't be Hollywood without a little drama, right?) There's also no telling how Bynum's re-introduction to the lineup will affect team chemistry, or even how well he'll play...assuming his knee and post-rehab psyche are both 100 percent. The Lakers were merely an adequate defensive team last season. Oh, and they look horrific in short-shorts.

Fun Facts: Believe it or not, the Lakers franchise was founded in 1946 as the Detroit Gems of the National Basketball League. The Gems were owned by a man named King Boring. No, really. After one season - during which they went 4-40 - the Gems were bought by Ben Berger and Morris Chalfen, who moved the team to Minneapolis and renamed them the Lakers. Even though 14 former Lakers are in the Hall of Fame, only seven jersey numbers have been retired. Magic Johnson had 138 career triple-doubles. For some perspective on that accomplishment, Kobe Bryant has had 14.

Videotastic extra: Here are some amusing moments from Game 3 of the 2008 NBA Finals. My favorite was when Posey blocked Sasha's freethrow.

When last we saw them: Finished 23-59, dead last in the Pacific Division and 12th overall in the West.

Innies: Baron Davis, DeAndre Jordan, Eric Gordon, Jason Hart, Marcus Camby, Mike Taylor, Ricky Davis

Outties: Brevin Knight, Corey Maggette, Josh Powell, Elton Brand, Quinton Ross, Ruben Patterson, Shaun Livingston, Smush Parker

The Good: They acquired Baron Davis in this summer's free agent giveaway, and B-Diddy seems pretty stoked to play in his hometown. Davis is a PG who's strong, fast, can score and dish, and is willing and able to take over in clutch situations. They also stole Marcus Camby away from the Nuggets for pretty much nothing. (The right to swap second-round draft picks? For a former Defensive Player of the Year? Really?!) Chris Kaman is dominant on the boards and can bully his way into the paint for easy (though rather ugly) buckets. Al Thornton played the second half of last season like he was living off a diet of Gamma Rays and radioactive spider bites, and trust me, he's going to get nothing but better. Seriously, that Camby/Kaman/Thornton front line should be pretty imposing. Cuttino Mobley, Tim Thomas, Ricky Davis are bucket fillers. They actually managed to nab a couple exciting kids in this year's draft: combo guard Eric Gordon and forward DeAndre Jordan. Elgin Failure is finally out as GM. (Note: He was only a bad GM; as a player, Elgin was legen...wait for it...dary.) When you win only 23 games the previous season, there should be nowhere to go but up. Although they are the Clippers, so maybe you should scratch that last statement.

The Bad: Elton Brand defected to the Philadelphia 76ers, and, frankly, there's no replacing what he brought to the team. Corey Maggette bolted after what was, essentially, a career season. That's a 22 PPG hit for the Clips. I guess they think Ricky "I'm all about me, me and me" Davis is going to replace those points. [Insert maniacal laugher here] Baron Davis should be one of the best PGs in the league - maybe even an All-Timer - but his ability to stay focused, motivated and healthy have always been in question. And now that he's surrounded by his family, childhood buddies and college pals? That's going to help things? Plus, dude got fat during the offseason and has been using the Jenny Craig diet to get in shape. On the advice of Queen Latifah. I am being deadly serious. They finally ousted Baylor, and then replaced him with...coach Mike Dunleavy? Great idea. Just ask the Milwaukee Bucks how that turned out for them. And Dunleavy, who's about as stable as the world economy, is supposed to bring all the new parts and get them working well with the old parts. Huh.

Fun Facts: The Clippers began in 1970 as the Buffalo Braves, a team with a rather inexplicable logo. Their D-League counterpart is the Anaheim Arsenal. They Clippers have been in Los Angeles for 24 years. In that time, they have appeared in the playoffs four times (1992, 1993, 1997 and 2006) and have won a total of 11 games. Seven of those wins were in '06. This history of playoff futility makes them the oldest current NBA team never to make it to the NBA Finals. On March 1, 2006 the Clippers held the New Orleans Hornets to an NBA record low 16 points in the second half of play. Since the introduction of the shot clock, no point total for a half had been lower than 19. So...you know...yay, Clippers!

Videotastic extra: Hip 2 Clip, baby. Hip 2 Clip.

When last we saw them: Finished 36-46, third in Central Division and ninth overall in the East. Sadly, they barely missed out on making the Eastern Conference Playoffs.

The new guys: Austin Croshere (WTF? He's back?!), Brandon Rush, Jarrett Jack, Maceo Baston, Count Chocula, Rasho Nesterovic, Roy Hibbert T.J. Ford

Good riddance to bad rubbish: Flip Murray, Ike Diogu, Kareem Rush, Jamaal Tinsley, Jermaine O'Neal

The Good: Jamaal Tinsley and Jermaine O'Neal - the final significant holdovers from an era the Pacers want and need to put behind them - are finally gone. (Well, Tinsley is technically still on the roster, but team officials have told him to "stay away.") This should improve the team even more than if they were able to somehow obtain Michael Jordan's robot clone from the year 2099. (He's busy fighting intergalactic space pirates anyway.) Jim O'Brien is kind of a Mike D'Antoni-lite, which means the Pacers will run, pop a lot of threes, and score some points: Last season, they were seventh in PPG (104.0), seventh in assists (22.7) and eighth in three-point field goal percentage (.374). Danny Granger (19.6 PPG, 6.1 RPG) is turning into everything Larry Bird hoped he'd be. Mike Dunleavey Jr. (19.1 PPG, 42 percent from downtown) has improved more than anyone thought possible. (And I do mean anyone.) T.J. Ford loves to run and jack it up, which makes him a perfect fit for O'Brien's offense. Ford also averaged 6.1 APG last season, so, you know, he sometimes looks to pass too. Jarrett Jack is a solid backup at the point. Brandon Rush and Roy Hibbert are nice rebuilding blocks (and Hibbert, at least, knows how to play D). Rasho Nesterovic can provide occasional inside scoring. Did I mention that O'Neal and Tinsley are gone? Probably can't stress that enough.

The Bad: This team cannot defense. I mean, a coma patient could probably score in double digits against them. Which is weird because last season they were fifth in opponents turnovers (15.8), ninth in opponents field goal percentage (.454), ninth in blocks (5.0) and 11th in steals (7.6). But those numbers are deceiving, since the Pacers gave up 105.4 PPG, which was "good" for 26th in the league and about a point and a half less than they were scoring themselves. See, in professional basketball, you still have to outscore your opponent to win. They also committed about 15 turnovers a game and allowed opposing teams to shoot 38.6 percent from downtown, which was next to last in the league. I know this is a stat-heavy appraisal, but these numbers are indicative of a team that plays at a breakneck pace and focuses mostly on one end of the court. They also traded one streaky, injury-prone PG for another; Ford missed the entire 2004-05 season with a neck injury and missed 31 games last season after a flagrant foul by Atlanta's Al Horford. Half the team is new, and as always it's unclear how long it'll take them to form a nice, thick gel. Oh, and they rely way too much on Mike Dunleavy Jr. for anyone to feel too comfortable about their chances to compete. Even in the East.

Fun Facts: This year's team slogan is "Team Ego." This supposedly means that no one player will be above the rest or some crap like that. Their D-League affiliate team is the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. And yup, that's where the now-famous Nightmare Ant originated. The Pacers were last in the league in home attendance last season at about 6,110 depressed fans per game (according to Basketball-reference.com). SAD FACE.

Videotastic extra: Seriously, I do NOT suggest going to the Pacers' mascot for plastic surgery.