To be fair to Lundquist and Danielson, they did notice and correct many of their errors yesterday—which is more than you can say for a lot of announcers—although viewers may have been left to wonder if the pair was watching the game on a fuzzy black-and-white TV in the rec room of their assisted living home. There were several bad calls, missed assignments, questionable math, a few discrepancies regarding who was actually on the field, I'm pretty sure Verne mispronounced the sideline reporter's name more than once, and Mr. Inside and Mr. Outside did, in fact, play for Army.

The turtle crack was also ill-advised, however, you have to forgive the boys for clowning on a dude who lost a football throwing competition to a girl. He kind of deserved it, didn't he?

[Video via CBS]

Reader John H. alerted us to the columns. Let's compare:

2007: When I was a sophomore in college, working on the town newspaper, a professor took me aside and said, "You need to get out of sports. You're better than sports."

2009: When I was a college sophomore and just starting to write for the Boulder sports section, my journalism professor edged me aside, looked me in the eye and said, "You're better than sports."

2007: There's no back door in. If you're Aaron Spelling's daughter and you want to act, you get to act. If you're a Trump, you get to build. But nobody in sports makes it onto the field because he caught a lucky sperm. Jose and Ozzie Canseco were identical twins. Jose played 1,887 major league games. Ozzie played 24. And sports doesn't care how you did last month, either. If you're Derek Jeter and you stop hitting, it doesn't matter how many Visa commercials you've done, you're toast. And yet Flavor Flav still puts out CDs.

2009: Sports is real. It can't be faked. If you're Henry Fonda's son and you want to act, you get to act. If you're Chelsea Clinton and want to govern, you get to govern. But just because you're Nolan Ryan's son doesn't mean you get to pitch in the Show. Money, family, looks mean diddly in sports. If Tom Brady suddenly can't throw the 30-yard out, he's benched, dimple or no dimple.

2007: Sports is a way in. One of the best e-mails I ever got was from a 25-year-old: "Thanks for writing what you did about the Red Sox. It's the first time I've been able to talk to my dad in five years."

2009: Sports is Oprah for guys. I knew a Boston dad and son who hadn't spoken in five years. Some disagreement that just grew too big to see around. But when the Red Sox won it all in 2004, the son came home. They hugged and cried and laughed, and if you think it was about baseball, you don't know men.

2007: Sports isn't an escape from life-it's woven into the fabric of it.

2009: Sports is woven deeper into American life than you know.

2007: It's black and white, there's no gray area. Every night there's a winner and there's a loser and nothing in between. There's no waiting to see the third-quarter fiscal report. It's open to zero interpretation. I've never been to a game yet where, at the end, the ref announced, "O.K., Cleveland won 14—13, but the Cleveland coach was blocking his deep-seated childhood need for validation. So, actually, Buffalo is the winner." There's a score and it's fair and clean and easy to understand. Except for figure skating, of course.

2009: Sports has no gray areas. It's black or white, win or lose, hero or goat. Nobody has to form a committee to figure it out. Not true in dance or art. Who was better, head to head, Matisse or Monet? If it were sports, we'd know. (Matisse, 13-8.)

2007: So bite me, professor. Thirty years later, I still don't think I'm better than sports. In fact it's been the other way around the whole time.

2009: So here's to you, professor. I'm glad to know I'm not better than sports. But you did show me I'm better than one thing: advice from professors.

I'd point out here that Reilly was paid a "ridonkulous" amount of money to write a weekly column, and that he is that rare columnist who can write about whatever he wants, and that with so much freedom, it's absurd that he nonetheless chooses to repurpose some two-year-old piece of hackwork — I'd say all that except that, well, we'd just be plagiarizing ourselves.

Why I love my job [ESPN]
It Isn't Just A Game [Sports Illustrated]

And also — who can resist singing Mr. Big? [Very Sic'd]:

Attached is visual confirmation of the first reader submitted comment from the Mariotti story today, Jay being all creepy at the Blue Frog, a karioke bar in Chicago....We were singing Mr. Big's "Next to be with you" at the time, and he refused to participate, which I think could have actually improved his image had he joined. But he doesn't have the reputation he does because he joins in on awesome karioke songs with random dudes to the delight of the crowd, which we should have forseen....

And then there's this anecdote, which is just cruel:

Just wanted to validate the story about the karaoke bar. These pictures were taken at Blue Frog late Saturday night by one of my friends. They show him waiting to drop the cosby kids off in a bathroom which has shower curtains as stall doors. During the next song the performer broke down with "Hey everybody, Mariotti is taking a dump in the bathroom right now!" After doing his business and most certainly washing his hands, Mariotti came out and yelled at them for "being on crack."

If any other readers do spot Jay gallivanting around town during a Windy City night, please don't pester him. The man is allowed to enjoy an evening out, just like the rest of us. In fact, do not approach him at all, unless you really, really enjoy his columns and wish to shake the man's hand. At least we know he washes them.

The AP has already retracted their initial report that stated that the three players involved in the incident had been charged with rape. They were charged with "conspiracy," which I'm sure makes a big difference in a court of law. According to the reports, one of the accused and the victim both agree that they were having consensual sex in his dorm room, when his buddies burst into the room. What happened next is where things get fuzzy.

The victim told police they got naked and assaulted her. Their lawyer says it was just some "sophomoric, college-boy antics," which is ironic because it appears they are all freshman. I don't know what Connecticut law considers to be "assault," but I have a feeling that dropping your pants in front of a naked woman pinned to a bed goes beyond "alcohol-fueled hijinks."

The girl screamed and struggled with her assailants, police said, and Triner and Travers fled the room. Sanders then asked the sobbing student if he could resume having intercourse with her, police said.

Oh my. So if I'm understanding this correctly (and these reports turn out to be true), they didn't rape her. They just made her think she was about to be raped. As a joke. And one of them somehow thought this wouldn't spoil the mood?

Given the history of lacrosse players, drunken sexual hijinks, and the media, I'm sure all future coverage of this story will be completely reasonable and free of hyperbole. So let me kick things off by saying that America's children will be the downfall of human society and this is probably a harbinger of Earth's ultimate destruction by aliens in 2012. Developing.

SHU lacrosse players charged with sexually assaulting female student [The Connecticut Post]
Sacred Heart Lacrosse Players Charged in Connection with Assault [WTIC]
STORY REMOVED: US—Lacrosse Players Charged [AP]
[Photo via]

[Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure:

•

With Jay running amok all over Chicago and your site I thought you would enjoy these two tidbits.

Last Saturday night my buddy saw jay wander in alone to a karaoke bar at 1 AM in Chicago, proceed to hit on several 20 somethings all of which shunned him close to immediately in favor of other meatheads with a shitload of gel in the hair.

Secondly, Jay Mariotti was involved in the biggest night of my life so far as he was one of the last people I saw before I popped the question and got engaged.

•

I just walked by Jay Mariotti on the street. he was talking very loud on his cell phone and the exact quote I heard was "I'm trying to get the security camera tapes so we can figure out who was twisting my arm off"

•

Would like to confirm Jay Mariotti is a Douchebag.

And I was entertained by his columns! By you gotta call a Douche a Douche.

Even when I met the guy personally to say I liked his stuff, still a douche!

Hilarious!

•

"I created a completely fake name to keep this anonymous but Marriotti was in Market Bar on Randolph in Chicago a few months ago wasted out of his mind. The funny thing is that it's owned by Kenny Williams (they hate each other) and Ozzy Guillen is frequently there during the season. Marriotti was so drunk that he was asked to leave and left his credit card at the bar and has been back since and gets black-out wasted every time. The guy is such a loser."

•

Saw your article about Marriotti starting a scuffle at Underground. He stared a fight with me at Bull and Bear a few weeks ago over standing too close to him and he started throwing out how he was a national celebrity and how I probably made $20k a year. When the bouncers came over he blamed it on me and kept asking for the manager and kept asking the bouncers if they knew who he was. The guy is a classless jerk and I would be happy to comment further about the encounter if you are interested in writing about what a jag he is. Thanks.

Another encounter:

I was at Bull and Bear a few weeks ago and the creepy Mariott was standing by our table hoping some of the girls would talk to him. Very weird dude. I think he saw me take this pic but I acted like I was texting someone.

Mariotti has told nice young ladies about his paranoia and annoyance when civilians attempt to photograph him out on the town. He's been successful so far, as we rarely receive any candid pics of Jay.

After the incident last week, it appears his aggressive no-photo policy has backfired and more and more are coming in all the time. If Mariotti wishes to continue to enjoy night club life for as long as his surgically-enhanced visage is still on "Around The Horn," he should consider wearing a disguise from now on.

PHOTO/EMAIL: Michael P.

We have internal guidelines designed to inform how we discuss the topic of sports media. These guidelines are important us, because they help maintain the credibility with which ESPN operates.

No one knows the guidelines better than Bill Simmons, and he customarily works within these standards. He also understands, as does everyone else at ESPN, that we regard these guidelines as being equally important when participating in social media.

While it's unfortunate — and sometimes painful — that not everyone outside of ESPN chooses to play by such rules, we choose to hold ourselves to higher standards. Regardless of the provocation, Bill's communication regarding WEEI fell short of those standards. So we've taken appropriate measures.

This shows ESPN employees that, even though the social media policy is still in its teething stage, this sets some clear guidelines that you cannot lash out at WEEI (an ESPN affiliate) even when provoked. This is also the same type of punishment parents give their teenage daughters for mouthing off at the dinner table.

Simmons has a much longer leash about stuff like this than many other Bristol employees who Tweet so that's why it's somewhat surprising that they enforced this meaningless little suspension upon him during the tail end of his book tour. He's banned for two weeks from Tweeting about...what exactly? The NBA? Fantasy football?

Anyway, apparently he's only allowed to Twitter about his book tour from here on out and the only stop left is his rescheduled Vegas one in early December. This is great news for the ESPN Zone in Las Vegas who will get tons of publicity as a result of this.

Bill Simmons Portland Book Tour [Oregon Live]

PHOTO: By The Beard Of Zeus

The memo, in full:

Our Workplace

Top Story 11/19/09 @ 3:33 PM - Updated: 11/20/09 @ 10:09 AM

A message from George Bodenheimer

My recent ITK message addressed a series of issues and allegations related to workplace behavior at ESPN. It reflected the pride and passion I feel for the work we do and the disappointment that follows when we fail to live up to the high standards of conduct expected of every employee. As we move ahead, we are taking numerous steps to enhance our efforts to maintain a company that shows care and respect for all employees and is free of harassment of any kind. If you have concerns, bring them forward. I assure you we will fully address any circumstance in which we are not living up to our commitment, especially those related to alleged sexual improprieties or discriminatory conduct.

Managers will be held fully accountable for reporting and acting upon inappropriate workplace behavior. Any leader who fails to act responsibly in this regard or whose leadership capability is compromised by their own conduct will not be a part of our Company's future. Our goal is simply stated: for each of us to represent ESPN every day with class, dignity and integrity.

In addition to the measures we already have in place, which can be accessed on ITK , below are some of further steps we will take:

• more frequent and prominent dissemination and discussion of our Standards of Conduct policies

• more frequent, in-person mandatory workplace behavior training at every level

• prominent publication of our employee Hotline number (where employees can anonymously report any concerns) and the list and contact numbers of our HR employee relations specialists

• a complete review of the workplace environment for all entry level positions with particular focus on studio and remote production staffing

• continued engagement of our Employee Resource Groups (ERGs) to provide on-going feedback and assistance in training, mentoring and guiding employees

These are all top-line descriptions of our efforts and HR will be following up over the next 90 days with details. I am confident that positive results will follow.

Thank you all for your support. I want to especially thank the ESPN Women ERG for its advice and counsel over these past weeks — your perspective has been tremendously helpful.

We have a great company full of hard working, kind, dedicated and generous people. Your efforts and unerring commitment are the foundation of our culture and the keys to ESPN's continuing success.

Here's the email from our tipster who witnessed what (allegedly) went down. [Sic'd]:

last night was at an Akira fashion show at Underground Bar here in Chicago (my friend was in it). After it was over, we were having a drink and I end up seeing Jay Mariotti. (odd since I saw him about 3 weeks ago as well. Tis rare to have a Mariotti sighting here). He is with these two blond girls. (not hot). so he is getting all cozy with one of them being a complete creep. Kind of grinding and shit while giving back rubs. So just casually i said to this dude, who had no clue who mariotti was, that he was a national sports writer on espn....etc. So the kid takes a picture of him with his iphone.

Mariotti sees him and flips out. He is trying to get his phone to delete the photo. The kid is not budging. Keeps telling Mariotti "get the fuck away from me....i didn't take your picture loser." Mariotti wouldn't stop. So he lunges at the kid and tries to snatch the iphone. This started a scuffle between the two. A random girl was punching Mariotti on the head while the pushing and shoving was going on. The bouncers come flying in and take down Jay to the ground. Laid out flat on the floor with a gigantic 300 pound lineman type laying on him. Mariotti then gets the bums rush while yelling and screaming about how it wasn't his fault the whole time.

it was incredible. not sure what happened next , but i thought it was a funny situation.

We emailed Mariotti. He hasn't responded. Also, a rep from Underground Bar who was at the show last night said that he saw nothing "out of the ordinary" happen but also admitted he had no idea who Jay Mariotti was.

Our initial emailer is working on getting us the (alleged) photo snapped by his buddy. We'll keep you updated.

Here's what Paige wrote:

I give my opinion, which is based on sound information, thoughtful research and observation, unlike some kid in Arizona who is a Broncos fan and writes a blog, without proper grammar or punctuation or understanding, from his mom's laundry room and think [hilariously, awesomely sic] he knows what he's talking about, and people actually pay attention.

Aside from the fact that Paige has graciously moved the locus of blogging from mom's basement to mom's laundry room (as is often the case with these jokes, the blogger sadly appears to live in a fatherless home), it's the same old gag. You know the one. Blogger, underwear, mother's house. What follows is a collection, by no means exhaustive, of the bonnest mots flung by mainstream sports media in the direction of the blogosphere over the years. Print these out. Savor them. Read them in your underwear while holding down some couch springs in your mother's basement. I thinks you'll like them.

The Loop, Pioneer Press: "The Washington Post fired reporter Michael Tunison after learning of his raunchy posts on the 'Kissing Suzy Kolber' sports blog. Tunison is expected to join the rest of the sports bloggers in their mothers' basements."

The Loop, Pioneer Press: "The NCAA reversed course and will allow bloggers in the press box to file live updates from tournament games. It's a huge victory for the bloggers, giving them yet another reason to get out of their mother's basement."

Bob Costas, NBC: "It's one thing if somebody just sets up a blog from their mother's basement in Albuquerque and they are who they are, and they're a pathetic get-a-life loser, but now that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability and they can be comment No. 17 on Dan Le Batard's column or Bernie Miklasz' column in St. Louis."

Dan Shaughnessy, Boston Globe, writing in the voice of a blogger: "I'm living at home, in the basement, rent free, and I've got cable and plasma TV. Domino's delivers. I guess you could say I'm living the dream."

Scott Bordow, East Valley Tribune: "[Jim] Calhoun will have his defenders, of course, Huskies' loyalists who believe the story was a media smear job; some might even take Calhoun's tack that he doesn't read blogs, as if one of the most popular Web sites in the country is run by some kid wearing pajamas and writing from his basement."

Greg Couch, Chicago Sun-Times: "Look, independent blogs are not reliable news sources. They're entertaining. I read them. Some have credibility, others might be some guy in his underwear in the basement. But we can't tell the difference."

Ed Hardin, Greensboro News & Record: "[Dustin] Long is the president of the National Motorsports Press Association, not some blogger in his parents' basement."

Geoff Baker, The Seattle Times: "And the ability to think about those things beforehand, truly, is what separates real journalists — serious ones, not Jason Blair types — from basement bloggers."

Mark Bechtel, Sports Illustrated: "Remember the good old days, when sports bloggers were potty-mouthed reprobates who fired off ill-informed rants from a couch in their parents' basement?"

David Wharton, Los Angeles Times: "Critics have portrayed [bloggers] differently: the rabid fan sitting at a computer in his parents' basement, in his pajamas, spewing opinion."

Frank Fitzpatrick, The Philadelphia Inquirer: "Assuming George Mitchell doesn't find any grounds to shut it down prematurely, the 2006 baseball season is just days away. That means that for the next six months baseball fans have a license to behave like bloggers — sitting around their dens in their underwear, staring blankly at a screen, pontificating on subjects they know nothing about."

Frank Fitzpatrick, The Philadelphia Inquirer: "An Eagles fan named Enrico Campitelli Jr. decided to do a live blog while watching the Eagles-Texans season opener on Sunday. Not sure what Campitelli's credentials are — not that blogging requires anything more than a computer and a pair of pajamas."

Phil Reisman, The Journal News: "It may be time for Minaya to go, but not for any racist reasons put forth by mouth breathers who live in their parents' basements."

Jason Lieser, Palm Beach Post: "Mike Florio defies almost every stereotype affixed to bloggers. No braces. No pimples. No sitting in his underwear tapping away in his parents' basement."

Glenn Reeves, San Mateo County Times : "Leitch rarely loses sight. After all, he has a 10-second commute every day to where he works, making up jokes and typing in his underwear."

Jay Mariotti, Chicago Sun-Times: "Web sites peek around corners like sewer rats, operated by weirdos who live in their parents' basements, pretend to be experts and break 'stories' that gullible people actually believe."

Rick Morrissey, Chicago Tribune: "I'll give Mariotti this: Whether he realizes it or not, he might have been the nation's first blogger, without actually writing one. He has led the way by not leading the way to the locker room or the clubhouse. He writes what he wants without ever talking to a soul. The only difference is he travels often to events, unlike bloggers, many of whom sit in their underwear all day and update, update, update."

Tony Kornheiser, The Tony Kornheiser Show: "In fact, in fact, if a huge dumpster landed on their mother's house (cackling), and got all the way into the basement and crushed them (more cackling), nobody would care. Nobody would miss them."

Sam Smith, Chicago Tribune: "How is it I can work for decades developing contacts around the NBA and traveling regularly around the NBA and talking with the decision makers and some guy in his basement in his underwear is writing something that has credibility?"

Pat Forde, ESPN: "Everyone wants to be Bill Simmons, but to my knowledge there's only one him. Two hundred thousand bloggers cracking wise from their living room in their underwear all want to be the next Simmons, but how many of them are being paid (handsomely) to do it?"

Rick Reilly, ESPN: "I've been doing this 31 years, for a living, I feel like I go out there, I'm in the locker rooms, I'm in the clubhouses, I'm meeting these guys, I'm hearing what they are saying, whatever. It seems to me a guy like that has a little more valued opinion than some schmo who, as I say, is holding down couch springs on his mom's basement."

Rick Reilly, ESPN: "There's some good journalism, and some really horrible crap on there from guys holding down the couch springs in their mother's basement that have never been in a lockerroom but are pining on this and that. And this gives them cache [sic], and then they're being quoted? What? This guy is in his underwear."

Rick Reilly, ESPN: "I don't really care what people holding down couch springs do or say."

Illustration by Rob Zammarchi, via The Boston Phoenix

Now, if you just cried out, "What are you talking about? Of course it's real," please leave. Now.

This is an actual lede in the Daily Telegraph, the largest paper in Sydney:

Wrestler Hulk Hogan has been badly injured after a violent bloody brawl broke out at The Hulkamania promotional press conference at Star City today.

Oh, it gets worse. The paper goes on to breathlessly report that

[t]he press conference veered violently out of control today as Hogan and ring rival Ric Flair let their animosity break into a full-scale bloody brawl.

Sydney Central's photographer Phil Rogers has his flash broken when Flair threw a table off the stage and into the press gathering before diving on photographers. See the photo of the Hulk.

Media were stunned as Hogan's head began bleeding profusely and confusion broke out when the veteran wrestling star was unable to get to his feet.

Journalists narrowly missed being struck with the table and photographers ducked and weaved as Flair took off his trouser belt and began to whip anyone within range.

Not once is there even a wink to the audience that this was anything less than a premeditated assault in broad daylight, and Flair ought to be prosecuted for it. I considered that perhaps Australian sarcasm is so finely tuned as to elude us boorish Americans, but then I read some of the comments on the story.

These guys get seriously worked up about their sport! I hope Terry "The Hulk" Hogan is OK to wrestle. Ric Flair is a goose. HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK HULK

Welcome to Sydney the lawlessness continues.

Ric Flair should be charged.

is this a gee up or is this for real

While Flair may or may not be "a goose," I'm pretty sure this was a "gee up." Ahh, Australia: same language, different planets.

Hulk Hogan Injured In Bloody Sydney Brawl With Ric Flair And Media [Daily Telegraph]

As you're probably well aware, the Red Hawks lost on a buzzer beater by uber-frosh John Wall, even though they led by as many as 18 points early in the game. Some might see that as a moral victory. Others, a terrible debacle. Those two viewpoints collided during the post-game press conference.

"I can't believe you asked that .... Let me see here, Kentucky Wildcats, number-four in the country, I'm hearing four first-round draft choices, and you're asking me how that got away from me? Why don't you ask John why it was so close? I'm not going to answer that question man.

The dressing down continued, but just enjoy it yourself. There's no coach quite like an angry, disrespected coach.

Charlie Coles Can Sometimes Get a Little Touchy [WKYT, via Brooks]

* * * * *

Well, I'm off to the Ranger game. Ovechkin's (hopefully) in town, so the locals might be interested in that. Barry P. is on deck. Enjoy the evening.

Creasy, arguably one of the forefathers of ESPN's Worldwide Leaderness, apparently took a liking to one of his assistants, Melissa DiMarco, who claimed she was fired for shooting down the horny old coot.

Even though DiMarco claimed Creasy consistently made her feel uncomfortable with his use of the word "cunt" and "cocksuckers" and referred to her as a "cockteaser", she still slept in his bed one night. But! — she was wearing her clothes. That's not cockteasy.

The Post contacted the now 79-year-old Creasy for comment, but he couldn't remember anything. The suit was eventually settled.

Note: the Melissa DiMarco named in this complaint is not the same woman who played Pete Rose's wife in ESPN's "Hustle". You know, the movie where Tom Sizemore sports an Emo Phillips wig and says "pussy" a lot.

When this little gem of a column starts off with an Entourage quote in the first graf, you know we're in for something special. Breaking down the "Walk of Shame," Chris Surette handed in one of the most repugnant works of "journalism" we've seen in a while. Not repugnant because it's immoral, but because it's simply not funny.

But girls, even though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year. We ought to thank you for that. And hopefully you got something out of this to … actually, we don't really care.

[snip]

Let's be real, we are too young to have a little mini-me running around. I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant. Also, if you can't remember her name, there is a very good chance you don't know much about the broad. Trust me, you don't want that hood rat giving you a venereal disease. Not because half are not curable, but the next time you try to bang and that little cutie sees that rash around your genitals, she's going to be running for the fences.

Fairfield is a Jesuit institution, which means some in the administration aren't too happy with the subject matter. Indeed the entire newspaper faces harassment charges, and could lose their funding.

Now I'm not going to say that one student is solely responsible for the death of journalism, and I'm not going to say it's wholly because of his Red Sox fandom...I'm just going to imply it.

He Said: The Walk Of Shame [Fairfield Mirror]
Fairfield U. Newspaper Faces Discipline Over Column's 'Harassment' [Connecticut Post]

Dear Guild member,

We are pleased to announce that today Stephen A. Smith returns to the Inquirer as a Sports Columnist.

In August, Arbitrator Richard Kasher ruled that Philadelphia Newspapers did not have good and reasonable cause to terminate Stephen and ordered that he be reinstated to his former position and receive a portion of the back pay he would have earned since being unjustly fired in January 2008.

The Guild first grieved Stephen's August 2007 demotion to general assignment reporter, then his termination and the matter was taken to arbitration. Once again, Guild counsel Neal Goldstein was successful in bringing one of our members back to work, his 10th consecutive victory against the employer.

While Stephen was eager to return to work immediately following Arbitrator Kasher's ruling in August, Philadelphia Newspapers repeatedly challenged the arbitrator's decision and later attempted to reassign Stephen, all of which led to a forceful letter from the arbitrator clearly ordering the company to reinstate Stephen to his Sports Columnist title.

I'M BACK [SAS Twitter]