Silvio Berlusconi, bunga bunga party alumnus and the only crustacean to serve as prime minister of Italy, has been convicted of paying for sex with an underaged prostitute and tax fraud, and he’s been accused of a truly expansive list of other crimes. Berlusconi was buddies with Muammar Gaddafi, is banned for life…
Mario Balotelli made his first Serie A start for AC Milan yesterday, and despite a questionable haircut—did he go to former Milan teammate Stephan El Shaarawy’s hairdresser and ask for the Vegeta?—he opened his team’s scoring with this absolutely perfect free kick:
The familiar Mario Balotelli cycle has been completed yet again. Stuck on hard times with a team that didn’t want him and telegraphing his own unhappiness with his employers by acting out, Balotelli has been gifted another reprieve. A big club, this time his former home AC Milan, has swooped in to rescue him,…
Philippe Mexès gave A.C. Milan a 1-0 lead over Inter in an International Champions Cup match with this absolutely impeccable volley off a corner. This is nuts.
If you're shouting racist abuse at nine-year-olds, you are truly one of the worst human beings in the world.
AC Milan played Empoli to a draw in Serie A today, during which a very hilarious thing transpired that I will now relay to you. Empoli defender Mario Rui was under a little pressure, and tried to escape by popping a bouncing ball over his head. If it worked, I assure you it would've been super cool.
"Well actually," pedantic soccer fan (but I repeat myself) begins, "Ménez had been offside for a while, so the 'goal' was"—yeah, shut the fuck up. Just look at the spin on that thing:
Fernando Torres must've thought that his two-year loan move away from Chelsea—where, instead of repaying his outrageous transfer fee with a highlight reel of goals, he became more well known for his comical, almost unbelievable ability to miss unmissable shots—to AC Milan would be the perfect opportunity to recover…
Wanna see something crazy? Behold AC Milan's Jérémy Ménez score the most impressive goal you'll ever see from less than a yard out. Video below:
Italy's Serie A is a league of stories, full of characters, narratives, plots, tensions, climaxes, and clichés. Time and again, the line between fact and fiction becomes so blurred that you just have to throw your hands up and shrug. You really couldn't make a lot of this stuff up.
We'll have more on this as an actual soccer move when (if?) it becomes official, but it's looking pretty near certain that AC Milan striker/international style icon Mario Balotelli will be returning to the Premier League, slotting in at Liverpool to replace Luis Suárez. Chris Bascombe over at the Telegraph has fucking
Spanish side Atlético Madrid are hosting AC Milan this evening in the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie. Madrid snuck an away 1-0 win at Milan in the first match after an 83rd-minute goal from Brazilian-born Spanish forward Diego Costa. Today, it only took him three minutes to add to his Champions…
Mario Balotelli dug deep in his bag, pulled out his driver, and damn-near tore the cover off the ball to score from 40 yards or so in today's AC Milan vs. Bologna match. He might not be as visible on a shitty AC Milan squad, but he's still capable of jaw-dropping moments of brilliance like this.
There's a story going around that Mario Balotelli was reduced to tears after being subjected to racist chants in Italy today. This would not be shocking—there is a history here—but it's not at all clear that racism was behind his tears.
Last time we caught up with Tiziano Crudeli, the famed AC Milan homer, he was near suicidal after a particularly tough Champions League loss. Lucky he decided against taking his life, otherwise he wouldn't have seen Kaka's 100th club goal and we wouldn't have this call.
White cleats are usually a conservative choice on the pitch, so it took seeing this close-up before noticing that, like most things in his life, these too are testament to Mario Balotelli's own awesomeness.
This is what getting dicked looks like.
Did you know that Mario Balotelli can dunk a basketball? He's a 6-foot-2 professional athlete, so it shouldn't be all that surprising that he can throw it down, but this is still a rather impressive display. I think this dunk may even qualify as a rim-rattler.