The latest utility man to be folded into Theo Epstein's spokes is dry humping enthusiast Chris Duncan, who the Sox acquired from St. Louis for Julio "Hands of Stone" Lugo and then promptly shipped off to AAA Pawtucket. That should end that five-game losing streak! In addition, they took Adam LaRoche off the hands of Pittsburgh, even though Boston already has an All-Star at his primary position. You know just in case someone needs a breather. Must be nice for them, as my mom might say.

And the poor Pirates. This is the fifth regular starter they've traded in the last year and their double play combo of Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez is not far behind. Do they even qualify as a baseball team anymore? They only exist to fill in as the rainy-day backup plan for real teams that are actually trying to win. They should either be disbanded or sold to Mark Cuban, because I'm not sure how much self-destruction one fan base can take.

Oh, wait. They still have the Steelers and Penguins. So screw them.

Cardinals add depth in trade for Lugo [MLB]
No LaRoche without Youkilis [Boston Globe]
LaRoche leaves as conflicted as his performance [Post-Gazette]

-After losing 2 of 3 to the Nats, no one photo better sums up the Mets' year than Jeff Francoeur being the baseball's bitch. Except maybe this one.

-If you caught HBO's Real Sports last night, you know about Friends of Jaclyn, a program that lets college teams "adopt" a sick child. Also, you cried like a baby.

-A Dominican prospect undergoes DNA testing to prove he's as young as he says he is. Livan Hernandez tried to take the test, but broke the machine.

-It's looking more like it's LeBron or bust, after Chris Bosh breaks into laughter at the mention of playing for the Knicks.

-Steroids? In my MMA? It's more likely than you think. Former UFC heavyweight champ Josh Barnett tests positive, canceling a scheduled fight with Fedor Emelianenko.

-DiPietro, Roloson, now Marty Biron. The Islanders do know you can't play three men in goal at once, right?

-Burglars broke into Texas A&M's football complex, and wrote "The Eyes of Texas are Upon You" on the carpet. But who would do such a thing?

-Struggling Red Sox add Adam LaRoche, Chris Duncan. Shockingly, this news doesn't immediately turn around the team's fortunes.

You can add Pittsburgh's Adam Laroche to the Charles Nelson Reilly whoopie cushion school of comedic delicacies. Keep that guy away from the scissors.

The Braves' uniforms and other essentials were hung up in the lockers after the Pirates vacated it. Only thing is LaRoche decided to stick around. LaRoche got a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut the crotch out of every pair of underpants in the Braves locker room - from Bobby Cox's drawers to the bullpen catcher's.

And he left a note: "Let it all hang out, fellas."

It really takes much dedication and time to physically cut the crotches out of an entire team's underpants; we salute Laroche for his diligence. We also love the image of Jim Tracy holding the team bus, waiting for Laroche to finish.

Adam Laroche Wants You To Let It All Hang Out [100 Percent Injury Rate]

More athletes have been sobered to the fact that, regardless of their peak physical conditioning, their large paychecks and the fawning adulation of fans, they cannot escape creeping death.

Whether it's Ben Roethlisberger smashing into a parked car, Roderick Greene getting knifed or Barbaro's leaking limbs, the veil of indestrucability has been lifted.

Nevertheless, those three have survived (for now), but make no mistake — the days when athletes could pop wheelies in elmentary school parking lots and go bowling without their Kevlar vests are long gone. So, I have put on my grim reaper jumpsuit, invited my Wiccan friends over and compiled a list of athletes most likely to suffer an unnatural death in the next year.

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls: dying time's here.

Jump in the fire, after the jump.

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John Daly, Golfer: 1/2

The demons are dark, deep and out of control with everybody's favorite hard-partying golfer. Where do we start? The weight issue. The gambling debts. The depression. The boozing. The utter contempt for his own perserverance. The suicidal thoughts. Daly might be the closest thing to John Belushi we have right now. And those who knew Belushi kind of accepted the inevitability of his fate. Would anybody be surprised if Daly is found in a hotel room, shirtless, with a belly full of booze and donuts in the next few months?

Kyle Orton, QB, Chicago Bears: 2/1

It started last year with the drooling drunken photos, then the public annoucement that he's a just a young guy having fun, but Orton couldn't project his imminent doom any better than if he had tattooed "DOWNWARD SPIRAL" on his forehead. The bloat, the neck beard, the blase "Hey, i'm just here to keep the trains running"-kind of attitude all indicate Orton's paving his own path of destruction. Looking at Orton in recent pictures conjures up images of "American Prayer"-era Jim Morrison. In three months, we'll find Orton spouting off nonsensical poems and invoking dead Indians in a Naperville bar. All hail the American night....

Danica Patrick, Race Car Driver: 4/1

All race car drivers are at risk, obviously, but Danica is saddled with the pressure of winning a race this year and proving to the rest of the world that she's not just a vagina covered in fireproof clothing. With that kind of pressure, she's prone to take more risks than usual in order to prove her legitimacy. Plus, she's a chick. How many females have you seen teaching driver's ed in your lifetime? Exactly.

Marcus Vick, WR, Miami Dolphins : 4/1

How's this sound: Young black man with a chip on his shoulder, a bad temper, a new position, a familarity with firearms in a city with a sprawling nightlife and plenty of opportunities for trouble? Plus, now he has a paycheck. With drive-bys always a threat when Marcus is around, I wouldn't be surprised if the Miami Dolphins coaching staff doesn't conduct minicamp drills in those bulletproof golf carts the Pope used to ride in.

Adam LaRoche, 1B Atlanta Braves: 7/1

Although he's said he's trying to get control of the situation and is currently in treatment, one thing all ADHD sufferers are not good at is responsibility. Once his prescription starts to run out there will be a time when LaRoche is left without his adderrall supply. Imagine LaRoche standing in the batter's box, trying desperately to maintain concentration, he sees the pitcher winding up and the....hey, look how pretty this stadium is at night...Bonk. 98 mph fastballs to the face do not end well.