•Many players were reportedly laughing as they left a team meeting where they were told of Mark Mangino's resignation. Perhaps they had also been sent this photo of an unknown flyer with a familiar waistline and hairline. (Thanks to Dr. Mongoose for the pic. Update)

•In other, more successful college football news, Oregon is heading to the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1995, where they'll face Ohio State. The automatic bid system seems like a good idea until you get a matchup of two fairly decent teams emerging from horrible conferences.

•Days after a sliding clinic with Joe Girardi, Mark Sanchez injures his knee while sliding. It doesn't matter, because the Bills and the Bills, and the Jets keep their playoff hopes alive. Thankfully, the media's collective knees are fine, so they'll be able to cover Sanchez's poise with their customary reverence.

•The revolving doors at third in Philly and short in Boston bring in their newest warm bodies; Placido Polanco to the Phillies and Marco Scutaro to the Red Sox. We're one Orlando Cabrera short of a Three Tenors of Utility Infielders.

•A day after signing Billy Wagner, the Braves add Takashi Saito. I like it. You want to recreate Atlanta's dominant pitching of the turn of the century? Sign guys who were at their most effective back then.

•Albert Pujols launched a center for adults with Down syndrome. At this point, he's the only unimpeachable athlete we have left. I will now ignore media coverage for the next ten years to preserve this image of him.

•••••

Friday. Rock.

Golden State only dressed eight players last night, because injuries and illness had taken down everyone else, and coach Don Nelson isn't even traveling with the team because he has pneumonia. So once they got rid of that dead weight, they actually played like a real professional basketball team. Three players—Monta Ellis, Vladimir Radmanovic, and Anthony Morrow—played all 48 minutes, but still had enough in the tank to end the Mavericks' five-game winning streak. It was the first time since 1952 that an NBA team won a regular season game with only six players.

So why didn't fill-in coach Keith Smart use his remaining two bench players? Well, one was D-Leaguer Chris Hunter (Go Mat Ants!) who they had to sign just to get to the league minimum of eight bodies. And I guess Smart assumed the other guy was a ball boy or something. He's new at this.

Honorable mention: Alberto Poo-Holes. Why does his bat have a lighting bolt carved into it? [MLB]

•It's not another "Natinals," but rather Pedro forgetting to button up. Also Charlie Manuel forgetting to take Pedro out early enough (that sounds familiar). The Yankees even the series, sending it to Philadelphia. Hey, at least we're not seeing another sweep this year. (Thanks to reader Jay for the screenshot.)

•Vince Young will be back behind center on Sunday. Best case scenario, he replaces LenDale White as the rusher who'll spell Chris Johnson.

•The first AP poll is out, and Kansas is your overwhelming number one. But more fun is seeing who barely snuck in. Old Dominion and Holy Cross received one vote apiece. What, they're letting Nancy Lieberman-Cline and Bill Simmons vote now?

•The Big Lead has a good read on Jozy Altidore's stunted development. It's troubling, and with Charlie Davies likely out next summer, he's a more crucial piece than ever. For those of you who are confused what I'm talking about, it's soccer. Just move on.

•North Carolina takes down No. 13/14 Virginia Tech on a last-second field goal. It's been two and a half years...is it okay to not root for Va Tech now?

•Fifty thousand St. Louisans step off the ledge; Albert Pujols says he wants to be a Cardinal for life. Still, when people want to be somewhere for life, they sign long-term contracts like the ones the Cards have repeatedly offered. Just saying...

•Proving that Angelenos dole out their fandom based on how close to the playoffs each team is, here's a poll from the LA Times where USC comes out on top as LA's favorite team

•Finally, from Fail Blog, we bring you the only seat at Neyland Stadium that has a seatback:

•Panic in the Gateway City: Albert Pujols says he's in no rush to sign a contract extension. He made the comments to a Dominican radio station, perhaps reminded of the fact that they were the first fellow Dominicans he's seen since moving to St. Louis.

•First blood goes to the Phillies, who take game one, 8-6. Brad Lidge pitched a scoreless ninth, which for him has the equivalent improbability of a World Series perfect game.

•The NBA has officially changed the traveling rules, now allowing players two steps before being whistled. Let's see... at 63 years per step added, it'll only be 2198 before the refs actually call the rulebook.

•A New Jersey running back claims one of the reasons he didn't recieve a 1-A scholarship offer is because he's white. Sure it might suck, but let's see if he complains when he can hail a taxi.

•AC Milan is asking US Soccer to pay up after Oguchi Onyewu went down against Costa Rica on Wednesday. Gooch has played all of 30 minutes for the Rossoneri this season, so it's kind of like bitching about paying for a gym membership you never use.

•Darrelle Revis and Chris Duhon will be making their comedy club debuts next week. If you don't think they know funny, you've obviously never watched a Jets draft or Knicks game.

•Finally, I give you this video without comment:

A heartfelt thanks to readers Dan and Dave for the photograph, which is brilliantly composed. Note the felicitous arrangement of the young girl seated atop Stinky's shoulders, just upwind from our friend in the Pujols jersey.

I can think of only one thing that might've improved the photo, and it is this: someone in a Rollie Fingers throwback jersey.

* * * * *

That's all for now. Thanks for your continued support of the fun little omnium-gatherum known as Deadspin. I'm in love with modern moonlight:

"Hey, want to go down to the Cardinals game tonight? I've got box seats, right next to the dugout. They aren't in the very first row, but still close enough to smell the pine tar. Should be a great night!

"What's that? A giant hulking monster sitting right in front of us? But St. Louis doesn't even have an NBA team! I think that scenario is pretty unlikely, don't you? There is nothing that can ruin this grand time at the ballyard! Nothing, I say!"

I hope you enjoyed that little play. I wrote it myself.

Sitting Behind Shaq Sucks [Riverfront Times]

* * * * *

Thursday. Shit. I'm still only in Thursday. Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the jungle.

An old, determined Cardinals fan, reached out a bit too far for a foul ball last night and then smushed his face. Albert Pujols, realized things were getting heavy, but not too heavy for Superman to lift. He rushed right over and comforted the man who was now bleeding with a face-full of brown ballpark dirt and moaning like a stuck pig. He didn't even catch the ball, but he did manage a nice stretcher ride out of PNC Park.

****

Good morning. Brace yourselves. The day's about to get real interesting.

-Cardinals revoke newspaper's credential after they publish the home address of a number of players, including a furious Albert Pujols. Perhaps unsurprisingly, none of them actually live in St. Louis.

-The Yankees thought they signed 16-year-old Damian Arredondo. Turns out he's not 16. Also, he's not Damian Arredondo.

-Of the 75 players in the Lake Tahoe Celebrity Golf Championship, Charles Barkley is the 75th favorite, at 499-to-1 odds. Chuck immediately put down 50 Gs on himself.

-Brian Ching tweets about ref's blown call, gets fined $500 by MLS. They're not messing around; that's like 10% of his annual salary.

-Graham Harrell takes his gunslingin' to the Saskatchewan Roughriders, not to be confused with the Ottawa Rough Riders. Also not to be confused with professional football.

-Delusional (or self-promotional) poker player buys Barack Obama a $10,000 seat at the WSOP. Will the President take him up on his offer? No. No, he won't.

-U.S. Ski Team member Cody Marshall critically injured after falling off an escalator, though doctors are optimistic. I thought this terror ended when they knocked down Shea Stadium.

Playing before the Home Run Derby on Monday was someone named David Cook, who apparently was on "American Idol," which is apparently a TV show, which is apparently popular, which is ... oh, who am I kidding, DAVID ARCHULETA WUZ TOTALLY ROBBED!!!! Most of us were actively disappointed that they didn't make Cook stay out there on stage over second base during the Derby, and just, you know, duck.

If you read yesterday's column about the Derby, you won't be surprised that I only took one picture before the coma onset. (And it was of David Cook!) Off to the parade, which exists mostly to remind us that Chevrolet still makes cars. This is what today's Camaro looks like. I hate this Camaro. That's not a Camaro. This is a Camaro. That thing looks like a Transformer.

When I did that Costas Redux thing a year ago, I sat next to Bob Gibson for the entire show. The best part was when, about 10 minutes before the show, Gibson said he needed to use the bathroom. An usher, prepping for the show's start, told him he needed to wait, and Gibson just glared at him before walking right past. (He's lucky Bob didn't piss on his shoes.) Bob Gibson is awesome, and scares the crap out of me.

Definite downside to spending your Hall of Fame career in St. Louis: Having to wear suits like this, in perpetuity. At least Ozzie put forth the effort. Hey, Sutter: You're meeting the President and Stan Musial later tonight. Consider a tie, or at least lose the hat.

I don't know why, but I kind of assumed baseball managers just wore those uniforms all the time, on the street, at church, in the shower. By the way, Charlie Manuel's wife longtime companion was modeling the Futures Jerseys the Rockies will debut next season.

It is not the least bit surprising that Tony La Russa and Sully would ride around in the parade together. They're both famously amazing drivers.

You know, I have to confess, ever since Major League Baseball cracked down on performance enhancing drugs, the players do look a lot different.

I'm not sure any human has ever received 48 consecutive hours of standing ovations before, but Albert Pujols must have come close this week. The mayor actually sacrificed Nelly in his honor. It was a whole big ceremony.

You know you're in St. Louis when half the parade attendees were screaming for Tim Lincecum to cut his damned hippie hair. At least he didn't pass out this year.

No one enjoyed himself more than Raul Ibanez, who has been waiting a long, long time to make it to an All-Star Game. He started filming me because I was taking his picture. All that steroid use is paying off, Raul! Yeah! I said it! I'm online! I CAN'T BE STOPPED. It's just what we do here!

My Mom: "Is that his trophy wife?" My Dad: "They're all trophy wives, Sally."

Ryan Franklin's family seemed nice, but I'm not sure I could take my father seriously if he had that on his chin. (Says the guy who once snapped a picture of his father doing this.

I have no doubt that David Wright and his friends liberally quote "Entourage" to each other.

As always, Derek Jeter rode in the parade with his parents. It's pretty hard to make fun of this when you're sitting on your dad's shoulders to get a better picture of Derek Jeter in the parade with his parents.

Right after this picture was taken, Josh Hamilton's wife slapped him silly for staring at that "harlot" in the Cardinals hat. Gotta keep your men in line, ladies.

Jonathan Papelbon = Spencer Pratt. It seems odd that this isn't pointed out more often.

In New York last year, it seemed like Yankees fans made up about, oh, 35 percent of all fans. In St. Louis, it was about 85 percent, and I'm probably being conservative. It's almost like more people want to visit New York in July than St. Louis. Fools!

Meet the lone Obama protester outside Busch Stadium. He's either a terrible speller or just really trying to drum up publicity for the Obama family dog.

The old mad Hungarian Al Hrabosky has a bar — a "saloon," actually — by the stadium that might be the creepiest, shadiest sports bar I've ever been to. The tube top waitresses were alternately 14 and 53, and the whole floor of the bar was covered peanut shells floating in an inch of water. Hrabosky didn't seem to mind: He walked out to the "patio" area and just yelled, "Who wants some autographs?" Retired athletes are so depressing.

The President was coming, but security was shockingly easy: It's more onerous to gain entry to any skyscraper office building in New York than it was to make it in the game. No frisking, no wanding. I believe the guy who passed me through the gate was chewing tobacco.

Before the game, Harold Reynolds was running around the outfield with a microphone in one hand and a glove in the other. There is no one in America who loves their job more than Harold Reynolds. Good for him.

The Cardinals spared no expense in trying to find Albert Pujols' missing car keys.

The first official event of the 2009 All-Star Game festivities involved sweeping massive piles of horseshit off the warning track. Clydesdales produce a rather epic amount of manure. Replace your divots!

I can't figure out if this is offensive or awesome. Probably both.

"Strength is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. We wish to improve ourselves. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service ours."

This was my attempt to take a picture of the stealth bomber flying overhead. I am an awesome photographer.

Stan Musial is just freaking great. Plus, he was on "What's My Line?' once. As was Jackie Robinson, once.

You might not have noticed this on television, but Obama ran toward that cameraman and just beat the piss out of him. America!

For the record, I heard little-to-no boos for Obama at Busch, so it was surprising to receive a bunch of text messages from people watching at home that suggested otherwise. One thing I can confirm: A massive roar of approval when President Dubya showed up on the scoreboard. Makes sense. That guy can throw a first pitch, that's for sure.

Forgive me being five years old for a moment, but it was pretty damned cool seeing Albert Pujols hold Ichiro Suzuki close to first while Derek Jeter was at the plate.

And then Mariano Rivera shut the National League down ... and it was over, stunningly fast. Then everyone went home and, in two years, no one will remember the All-Star Game was ever here in the first place. Go St. Louis! Go baseball! Bo Obama!

No, this is not a Leitch relative who escaped his bone-littered Mattoon cave to root for the Redbirds last week, but we do get this report from the brave individual who managed to snap pictures of this man-beast at Busch Stadium without being eaten:

I saw this guy at a Cardinals-Giants game at Busch Stadium on July 3. He had a number of tattoos on his head, including what appears to be some sort of tribute to the Rams (horns on both sides) and a skeleton hand grasping the back of his skull.

To top it off, he was wearing an Albert Pujols jersey-shirt.

These tattoos are serious. They just scream "I've been to more than 80 Venom concerts" or "I've staked puppies to a tree and set them on fire" but, like most Midwestern Cardinals fans, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's a real sweetheart.

Scary, though.

******

Good morning! It's Monday. It's not even 9 a.m. but, to paraphrase Tom Robbins, you can already sail toy boats in my boxers. Summer's finally come to Brooklyn, screaming for vengeance.

Remember when that blogger said that thing about Raul Ibanez and then all those non-bloggers got so worked up about it and then they brought the blogger on TV and made him look pasty white and we all had a big laugh about it? It had something do with the irresponsibility of suggesting something that may or may not be true about a baseball player when you don't have proper evidence. This is, of course, something that a serious mainstream journalist would never never ever do.

Hey, isn't the Los Angeles Times a "mainstream" newspaper? Would that make columnist Jerry Crowe a real mainstream journalist? Let's check his latest "column" and find out.

Thanks to Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, etc., fans outside St. Louis must wonder, 'Do we celebrate Albert Pujols or suspect him?' . . .

Pujols has batted four times with the bases loaded this season and three times has hit grand slams. . . .

In his only other at-bat with the bases loaded, the St. Louis Cardinals slugger delivered only a two-run single. . . .

Sadly, it makes you wonder. . . .

Yeah, those four at-bats really make you wonder. You know what else makes me wonder ... wasn't it "wondering" that got Jerod Morris in so much trouble? I thought we weren't allowed to wonder anymore. Can Outside The Lines please host another round-table discussion so that I can figure this out?

I've got no beef against Jerry Crowe, except for maybe that his column format is less rigid than Larry King's old USA Today ramblings. (That was the entirety of what he wrote about Pujols. Not exactly an in-depth investigation.) But the bottom line is that Jerod and Jerry are the not the first, nor will they be the last people, to speculate about a player's off-the-field actions in print. Like Rick Telander, who basically did the exact same thing, just a couple weeks before Morris wrote his post. So will we ever stop pretending that having an opinion column in a newspaper is different than having a blog?

BE RESPONSIBLE! THE WRITTEN WORD IS POWERFUL!

Los Angeles Times Writer Wonders Where Albert Pujols Gets His Talent [MLB Fanhouse]
Dodgers' Manny Ramirez eventually will have to be in hostile environment [Jerry Crowe]
Fehr leaves strong legacy ... except for one thing [Ken Rosenthal]
The Unfortunate Ambushing Of Jerod Morris' Raul Ibanez Post [Deadspin]
Rick Telander Defends Ryan Theriot Against Rick Telander's Steroid Accusations, All Hell Breaks Loose [Deadspin]

The great Bernie Miklasz touched on this in his column yesterday, but I think he was soft-pedaling it a little bit, lest your average St. Louis Post-Dispatch reader try to drown him-or-herself in his/her oatmeal. Pujols leaving wouldn't be as damaging as LeBron James leaving Cleveland — we at least have won a couple of World Series over the last 40 years — but it would be close. And it might actually be more likely to happen. It's the most terrifying notion imaginable to any Cardinals fan, and, all told, if you were to ask me to set odds on it, I'd say it's 50-50. And that's probably being optimistic.

Pujols isn't a free agent until after the 2011 season, though that's somewhat misleading: The Cardinals will have to take care of his contract situation long before then. He has a $16 million option for that season, one the Cardinals would obviously pick up. But $16 million is nothing: That's $2 million less than Andruw Jones is making this year. If the Cardinals let it go long enough to the point that they're picking up that option, Pujols is as good as gone already.

Here's how it might go down:

The Cardinals are currently a game out of first in the NL Central, but that's far from some grand accomplishment. Their offense has imploded — the one Cardinals win against Cleveland over the weekend was a 3-1 victory behind two Pujols solo homers and a wild pitch — and Pujols has zero protection in the lineup. Every Cardinals hitter has regressed, from Skip Schumaker to Ryan Ludwick to the injured Troy Glaus to, yes, Rick Ankiel. (This season, Ankiel has transformed into Rob Deer ... except he only has four homers. It's possible he's playing so poorly that he priced himself back in the Cardinals plans next year.) Pujols is walking more, yes, but more to the point, he's straining to make something happen, swinging at pitches outside the strike zone and overextending himself in a way that, say, Barry Bonds was just patient and blase enough never to do. When you're constantly batting with no one on base, and you're bored with walking, you start swinging at anything. Only pitchers as sloppy as Tomo Ohka are throwing him strikes.

His frustration is palpable, but that's nothing compared to Tony La Russa, who is in the final year of a two-year contract. La Russa — who has been in St. Louis 13 freaking years now — was the last management piece left standing last season when Cardinals brass embraced the scouting stathead types like VP Jeff Luhnow and general manager John Mozeliak and allowed old GM Walt Jocketty to leave for Cincinnati. In theory, the owners made the right decision: Jocketty mostly ignored the draft (a slight oversimplification, sure) and stocked his triple-A squads with veteran fill-ins like Roger Cedeno, Timo Perez, Brian Daubach and Larry Bigbie, where as Mozeliak and Luhnow use the minors, you know, to develop talent. But so far, none of that talent has turned into Albert Pujols, and La Russa, who was close to Jocketty, is frustrated: He feels like there are no reinforcements coming, and that ownership is being purposely cheap. He might be right. He might not be. All that matters is that he feels that way.

Because no matter what your thoughts on Tony La Russa are — and I love him — nobody's closer to La Russa than Pujols. In Pujols' second season, La Russa said El Hombre was the best baseball player he'd ever managed, and though that seems obvious now, back then it was a shocking statement from a grouchy manager known for openly disdaining young players. Pujols and La Russa both have a lot of Bob Knight in them: They're surly, singularly focused on winning every game, in any possible way, and if you are in the way of that quest, you must be destroyed. Pujols is not one of those Bonds-esque superstars who does his own thing and sits idly by: His passion to win, at any means necessary, rivals La Russa's. The two men were born to work together. If Pujols had come up with any other system, under any other manager, he's not the player he is now, and if Pujols doesn't arrive, La Russa would have been gone seven years ago. At this point, they're nearly the same person.

So if La Russa decides these new front office folks don't have The Right Stuff, that they're not as brutally committed to winning as he is, he will leave. I'm not sure where he'd go next — maybe he'd just co-manage the Tigers with Jim Leyland; awesome idea for a bromantic comedy! — but he would, without question, leave. Every game the Cardinals lose 3-0, every solo homer Pujols hits, every heralded Cardinals prospect that disappoints (the "Faberge Eggs," they're called), brings him a little closer.

And have no doubt: If La Russa leaves, Pujols probably isn't far behind, because the only reason La Russa would leave is the same reason Pujols would leave: This Franchise Does Not Have What It Takes To Win. The Cardinals simply cannot afford to pay what Pujols is worth on the open market, something Pujols is aware of; he's always said as long as the Cardinals remain "committed to winning," he'll stay. But what if, say, the Red Sox, or the Mets, offered him $25 million a season, and La Russa is already gone? What is keeping him in St. Louis? Nothing. He's not money-crazed by nature, but he's also not a moron.

Miklasz encourages the Cardinals to try to extend Pujols now, but that seems unlikely, not from their perspective, but from his. Why would he agree to spend the rest of his All-World career — seriously, I get to watch Ted Williams every time I turn the Cardinals game on — on teams like this one, teams that have no hitters other than him? Even though the Cardinals are considered one of baseball's jewel franchises, St. Louis is not a major metropolis (it has fewer people than Kansas City) and doesn't have a lucrative cable deal. (CLARIFICATION: The St. Louis metro area, of course, has far more people than Kansas City's metro area; the comparison was meant merely to remind that St. Louis is thought of as a larger sports franchise city than it is. But I should have been clearer.) And the city itself is struggling financially; wait, come All-Star time, for all the reports about the empty lot next to Busch Stadium that was supposed to house "local businesses." Not even Anheuser-Busch is owned by St. Louisans anymore. The Cardinals could turn into the Royals, the Reds or the Orioles quicker than you think, once-proud franchises decimated by money worries and a heartbroken fanbase. (You can take a look at their payroll through Cot's Baseball Contracts.) That very well might happen if the Cardinals lose Pujols. It's more possible than anyone realizes.

The Cardinals are counting on cheap young players, and right now, those cheap young players are not hitting. Pujols is going to look to La Russa on this one; if La Russa can be convinced that the Cardinals can surround Pujols with quality hitters, he'll stay, because you only get to manage an Albert Pujols once in your lifetime. And much of that, much of La Russa's decision, is going to come down to the next month-and-a-half of baseball. If the Cardinals continue to not hit, and they don't trade for someone to help Pujols out, La Russa will have his answer, justified or not: They're not serious here, not anymore. And Pujols will follow, as soon as he can. (Again: If this isn't resolved by the time Pujols' option is up before 2011, he's gone.) Only through La Russa do the Cardinals get the hometown discount. And that only happens if they start hitting, immediately. I'd argue that the next month-and-a-half might be one of the most critical timespans in Cardinals history. We're gonna know, real quick.

When I talked to people about all this this weekend, non-Cardinals fans, they looked at me like I was crazy: It was difficult for them to imagine the Cardinals losing their franchise player, their whole identity. But it could happen. It really could.

So when you watch Pujols' moon shots evaporate into the St. Louis night at the All-Star Game next month, bathed in the adulation of 47,000 red-clad corny Cardinals souls, realize that it could all end, that he's not tied to St. Louis forever, that, yes, he could be yours. If you want Albert Pujols to be your first baseman — and, of course, you are a fan of the Red Sox, Mets, Cubs (gasp!) or, if Mark Teixeira dies, the Yankees — you need to start rooting against the Cardinals, right now, this second. We'll know very soon.

Gary Bettman. Dash knows hockey far better than I do, so I'll cede to his knowledge, but I'll say I found his description of how Gary Bettman was received after Game 7 of the NHL Finals kind of sad: "How many times can Gary Bettman walk on the ice-in any and every NHL city-to a chorus of merciless boos before he gets the hint? You're there to oversee the biggest moment of the year for your industry and the only thing everyone can agree on is that you are a villainous bum. What is he hanging on to?" Obviously, Bettman hasn't exactly run the NHL as a well-oiled machine, but the grief we give him and Bud Selig, and the slack we give Roger Goodell and (especially) David Stern, seem a bit out of proportion. The NHL has teams go bankrupt and sell off players, and it's just one more example of how much of an idiot Bettman is; when that happens in the NBA, hey, those franchises are stupid! Major League Baseball is about to pass the NFL in total revenue ... but boy, Bud Selig sure does look like a clueless car salesman, doesn't he? I think it's just because we like to make fun of dweeby-looking people. Which is fine, of course!

Joe Buck. You have to give it to Artie Lange, who singlehandedly turned Joe Buck's show watchable, if only briefly. I'm sure he knew it: I'm sure he was watching Buck's interview with Favre — because hey! It's HBO! It's comedy! It's Favre! — and said, "Jesus Christ, this show is horrible. I need to take it over, or no one will ever talk about it again. Besides, I'm very, very high right now." And that he did. I'm on the record as liking Joe Buck, but man, did Lange ever expose him as out of his element on that show. When Lange nuked the set, Buck was helpless; he didn't have the tool in his arsenal that would have minimized Lange and wrested back control of the show. Sure, Lange was being impossible, but Letterman could have dealt with him, Costas could have dealt with him. Buck was stuck, falling back on pre-readied "hey, see how goofy Paul Rudd and I looked when we were 18!" photos and crawling under his chair. (Spencer Hall has some fun with Buck-as-decorating-accessory.) Look, Buck seems like a genial enough guy, but the problem wasn't Lange, who, after all, is simply being Artie Lange. The problem was Buck. Hosting a variety talk "comedy" show is not something he's particularly skilled at. Lange just exposed it, in the worst, loudest and most immediate way. It's not the worst crime in the world. It happens. As Craggs pointed out this morning, Buck didn't help himself by going to his sports media buddies and apologizing for the whole episode, like it was some terrible ordeal he feels awful that children had to see. (You'd almost call it a "disgusting act.") But you think last night's episode was bad? Wait until the "safer," "friendlier" Episode Two of "Joe Buck Live." That's going to be the talk show equivalent of when, in the wake of Stephen Colbert's blistering mockery of George Bush at the Correspondent's Dinner, the White House asked Rich Little to do it. Episode Two is going to feature Troy Aikman and Billy Crystal playing checkers.

Andrew Friedman. I've always had a soft spot for the Rays ever since, before they suddenly ran to the World Series, they were good sports enough to buy themselves a fan on eBay. The whole organization seems like my type of people, and I can't help but root for them. And something else they're doing right: Annoying Murray Chass! Everyone's favorite Octogenarian (NOT A!) Blogger took the Rays general manager to task for not returning his phone call and, well, Friedman struck back (through PR flak Rick Vaughn), pointing out that Chass called him the day before the draft, when he obviously wouldn't have time to chat. Friedman was kind enough not to point another reason he didn't call Chass back: Because Chass' columns are basically conversations with the wall of his office, a sad old man still writing notes columns every Sunday, like the widower who still fluffs a pillow for his beloved even though she died 25 years ago. Chass, bizarrely, uncorks this gem while explaining his mindset:

How in the world could I expect to get the general manager the day before the draft, Vaughn asked, suggesting that the timing of the column was bad and that I should have waited to write it another time when it would have been more convenient for Friedman to call back.

Now Vaughn was not only acting as the Rays' vice president for communications, but he was also acting as my editor. One of the things I like about writing for this Web site is I don't have editors. I like having no editors. Most of them, I have found, have been useless, if not downright incompetent.

Emphasis mine, obviously. Murray Chass hates editors and thinks they're useless. But no. Murray Chass is not a blogger, not at all.

Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson has always been my favorite NBA coach, and I'm not sure why. Growing up without a team in Central Illinois, I just kind of picked my spots, and I eventually fell in love with that Bulls team that just missed the NBA Finals, the year after Jordan retired. This was Jackson on the top of his game, drawing the best from the most unlikely places — seriously, he could have won an NBA title with Toni Kukoc as the second-best player on the team — and once Jordan came back, I suspect Jackson was happy but lost a little part of who he was. Ever since then, quite reasonably, he has waited to coach supremely talented teams (and/or teams owned by the woman he's having sex with), and you get the sense that mostly, he just wants a place to sit down and rest his back during games. His pseudo-Zen ridiculousness can grate, and he's certainly more fake pop intellectual than real intellectual, but if someone was going to win 10 championships, I'm glad it was him. Surely better than Pat Riley. He'll surely "coach" one more year, then retire and spend the rest of his life on a beach, smoking old weed and having sex with younger women. (I'm assuming they'd have to be on top.) All told, not a bad life.

Michael Lewis. The author has a new book about Dads, and more power to him, Dads rule. (Though his "Today Show" interview about it struck me as strangely awkward. He was on with his wife, former MTV vixen Tabitha Soren, and, well ... I dunno ... I'm not sure those two are in complete agreement about parenthood, marriage, or anything, really. Maybe it's just me.) It will be fascinating to see how the movie version of Lewis' best seller turns out. No, no, not that one, the one with Brad Pitt and Demetri Martin and Steven Soderbergh. I mean the other one, the one coming out later this year. Somehow, everyone's being quiet about the movie version of The Blind Side, which stars Sandra Bullock and Kathy Bates. No, really: The film hits theaters in November. Obviously, football fans will rush out to see it, because nothing says Inspiration Football Movie than Sandra Bullock and Kathy Bates. Do we see Terry Bradshaw's ass in this one?

Shaquille O'Neal. I'm not sure any of us realize how fortunate we are to have Shaq in our lives. I mean, the notion of Shaq congratulating Kobe on his NBA title by Tweeting, "Congratualtions kobe, u deserve it. You played great . Enjoy it my man enjoy it. And I know what yur sayin rt now "Shaq how my ass taste" is on the good side of the force. (It was amusing to watch ESPN quote Shaq's Twitter on Sunday night but ignore the one line that actually has some funny news in it.) Also, make sure to watch Shaq challenge Jose Canseco to a fight and punch a cardboard cutout of Chuck Liddell. Sometimes I think the Internet was invented just for Shaq.

Stephen Sommers. Every summer movie season needs a big-budget full-fledged faceplant of a flop, and this summer is not short on candidates. Land of the Lost and that Eddie Murphy movie are already solid contenders, and the fact that critics aren't even being shown Year One until tomorrow, two days before it opens, is a bad, bad sign. (The NBA Finals commercials didn't help either, clearly.) But it's beginning to look like the worst film of the summer, by far, is going to be that G.I. Joe movie. The trailer looks horrible, the director (the guy who did the Mummy movies) has reportedly been canned and there are rumors that the film received the worst screening test scores in the history of Paramount studios. And those people did Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. We have our true bomb, methinks. It's a shame too, because a G.I. Joe movie had the potential to be so much better than that Transformers junk. I just wish they would have found a way to get the William "Refrigerator" Perry G.I. Joe character in there; he was my favorite.

Peter Venkman. The wait is over: This week, the Ghostbusters video game hits stores, and from all accounts, it's really fun! Basically, you just play as a "new" ghostbuster, joining the team only a month or so after the events of Ghostbusters 2. (Maybe Bobby Brown will show up!) Not only does it have the voices of the original cast — with the exception of Rick Moranis, who "retired" from acting, but including Bill Murray! — but the story was actually written by Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis, which makes it, I dunno, canon or something. I mean, they made a Ghostbusters sequel, and you get to be a ghostbuster. I wasn't planning on leaving my apartment this summer anyway.

Frank Williams. Everybody misses Ralph Wiley; It's worth remembering just how amazing that ESPN Page 2 lineup was back in 2002 (Halberstam, Wiley, a limping but still potent HST, Simmons right when he was learning his fastball). One of my favorite Ralph Wiley columns was about the 2002 NBA Draft, when Yao Ming, Amare Stoudemire and Caron Butler were drafted but all he wanted to talk about was old Illini point guard Frank Williams. Of all the Illini woulda coulda stars over the last couple of decades, Frankie was the one who got away, a leisurely, winding Slinkie of a point guard who could find every gap in the lane and somehow twist his way to a bizarre layup. I loved Frank Williams but — and I have Illini sources everywhere! — even back then, he was known as a guy more interested in the gravity bong than the pull-up jumper. Thus, Frank's drug bust last week made me a little sad, but far from shocked. Clearly, because he's a failed basketball player who had "between 30 and 500 grams of marijuana" on him, his life is Out Of Control, or something. That, or, you know, he just had some weed on him. Wait: How much is 30 grams again? God I'm getting old.

Tiger Woods. It's Father's Day this Sunday, which means it's yet another Tiger Woods weekend. The U.S. Open is the signature Father's Day event, and it's the perfect opportunity for old videos of Baby Tiger palling around with his dad, and new photos of Tiger being licked by the family dog. Why hasn't Tiger come out with a book about Father's Day, and his own father, yet? That thing would sell like crazy. (I know just the co-writer.) Anyway, your Father's Day is going to be spend on the couch, watching Tiger win the U.S. Open and talk about how much being a dad has changed his life, and Jim Nantz will happily promote his own Father's Day book, while he's at it. (CORRECTION: The U.S. Open in on NBC. Maybe Nantz will just run onto the 16th green with a copy of his book.) And then you will have another nacho.

Yes, Albert Pujols, one of the MLB's best players and most kind-hearted human beings, is also apparently mowing lawns for some Chicago area residents. This shirt was spotted by members of the Big Dead Sidebar blogging outfit while they strolled Wrigleyville during the Astros series. Granted at least they didn't have the gall to wear it during the Cubs-Cardinals series when a Redbirds fan decked out in his Zambrano lawn-mowin' shirt might take offense or claim copyright infringement. I'm disappointed the Cubs version read something like "Pujols Mows MY Lawn." Show a little distinctiveness.

The National League Central Has Cornered The Market On Landscaping, Offensive T-Shirts [The Big Dead Sidebar]

*****

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. And thank you to the pending commenter who gifted us with this gem: "Hey, I just saw A.J. on NFLNetwork. He looks like a complete douchebag."

Affirmed. Maybe it was because I wearing a Van Halen t-shirt? Too much?

Anyway...

Now, this is only a hypothetical list — none of these players have been accused or are even rumored to be on the '03 survey testing. The reason A-Rod's name popped up seems a little coincidental, considering that SI's Selena Roberts, one of the writers who broke the original story, is coming out with a book about Alex Rodriguez this May. Most baseball fans (and sports fans, in general) are pretty jaded by all this steroid talk. As long as there is a heartfelt apology attached, then let's move on. But here's a list of players whose careers would be seriously altered should their names pop up.

• Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox: Schilling's been stridently anti-steroid and tireless in separating himself from the needle-injecting evil doers who have tainted his game. He's even demanded that the list of all the players who failed the test be publicly named so that the rest of the innocent players aren't just guilty by association. But what if his name pops up on the list? It would disastrous to his bloody sock legacy, but would also probably get him to shut the hell up for once. Finally.

• Derek Jeter, New York Yankees: Jeter's baseball reputation is pretty untarnished up to this point, that is if you count dalliances with young actresses or sabermetric knobs' conclusions that he's a crappy fielder blemishes. But Jeter popping up on the list of 103 would seem to rattle the baseball purists to the point of no return; if Jeter was using 'roids the whole time, does the fawning over his heart and hustle completely disappear and make him just an ordinary player for the rest of his career?

• Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies: He's consistently hailed as a throwback player and one who overachieves beyond his natural abilities and physicality to put up inflated power numbers. He's soft-spoken, humble, and always seems to say the right thing in public. You know, besides World Series victory parades in front of a live television audience.

• Greg Maddux, retired: He's the consummate "pitcher's pitcher" who's managed to rack up 355 wins throughout his career without overpowering stuff. Always lauded for his work ethic and his ability to out-think opposing batters, his Hall of Fame status could potentially be ruined if it turns out he'd been juicing for the sake of inching up the record books and prolonging his career.

• Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: Leitch hinted that his trainer might have been on the initial Grimsely list back in 2006 and the Emeritus became the most hated man in the Midwest for a short period of time. (My favorite rip on Will at the time came from a writer who said something along the lines of, "He authored a book called 'Life As A Loser.' That's a surprise.") But what if you found out that Pujols' ridiculous slugging percentage and consistency were HGH-enhanced? He would go from perennial MVP candidate to Giambi-like, comeback player of the year candidate depending on how sincere his apology was.

Pujols, a native of the Dominican Republic who grew up in New York and Missouri, has joined the ownership group for the proposed St. Louis MLS franchise. It is one of seven cities jockeying for the selection.

A master plan and design for a $400 million soccer, retail and entertainment complex in Collinsville, Ill. has been completed by the firm of Suttle Mindlin Architects, said Jeff Cooper, an East Alton, Ill. lawyer who is lead investor. It will include 14 fields for use by area youth and school teams. Collinsville is a collar community for St. Louis, just on the east side of the Mississippi River. As MLS soccer-specific stadiums go, Cooper said the Collinsville site is closer to the downtown area than most.

"We are eight miles and eight minutes, all highway from downtown St. Louis," Cooper said. "You can stand on the ground at our site and you have a beautiful view of downtown and the Arch. It is as an easy place to get to.

Good to see someone is adding jobs these days. I thought the MLS was in trouble when it moved the San Jose Earthquakes to Houston; if you can't have a viable pro soccer franchise in San Jose, there's no real hope for expansion anywhere. But then all became right with the world when a brand new Earthquakes showed up in San Jose this year. From what I understand soccer is big in St. Louis, so best of luck, and please no mooning.

Pujols Hopes To Bring MLS To St. Louis [MLS.com]

Chicago is 2 1/2 games head of second-place St. Louis in the NL Central, and losing Pujols (16 homers) for any significant amount of time really sucks for the men in red. But hey, at least they're getting Joel Pineiro back! Pujols suffered the injury while running out a ground ball, the Cardinals going on for a 7-2 win. He was flown to St. Louis Tuesday night, where he will have tests done today. Grow, calf, grow! Griffey was 0-for-3 with a walk in his first home game since hitting his 600th career home run Monday in Florida.

• C.C. Rider. C.C. Sabathia threw a five-hit shutout as the Indians beat the Twins 1-0. Ryan Garko's double in the first drove in the only run. Fun fact from the blog Castro Turf: The Twins haven't had a starting pitcher record a victory since May 29.

• Let The Willie Randolph Death Watch Resume. Chris Snyder's homer in the eighth led Arizona to a rain-delayed 9-5 win over the Mets; New York's fifth straight loss. Orlando Hudson, Stephen Drew and Conor Jackson also homered for the Diamondbacks. Mr. Met still recovering, unable to comment.

• Cubs 10, Braves 5. Tom Glavine (elbow strain) joins John Smoltz on the Braves' unable-to-perform list.

• Huff Said. Aubrey Huff, who entered the game 1-for-7 with three strikeouts against Boston reliever Hideki Okajima, had fours hits — including a two-run single off of Okajima — as the Orioles won 10-6.

• D-Train Takes Slight Detour. The Tigers have sent Dontrelle Willis to Class A Lakeland to "work on his control," to which we at MLB Closer snarkily reply, what control? Willis (0-1) has walked 21 batters in 11 1/3 innings, giving up eight earned runs, walking five, in 1 1/3 innings on Monday against Cleveland. The good news for Willis is that he arrives in Lakeland just in time for All-You-Can-Eat Night, as the Flying Tigers take on the Brevard County Manatees tonight at 7 p.m.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Reed Johnson, Chicago Cubs. This catch actually doesn't seem wandworthy in real time, but the replay proves that there was some sort of wizardry afoot. There's no way that ball should have landed in that glove. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Four wands, although Indifferent Ape remains unimpressed.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

Apparently there was some sort of pregame argument between Pujols and Houston's Brandon Backe, and that did not spell good news for the Astros. Although Pujols downplayed it. "No matter who gets me mad or doesn't get me mad, I'm going to go out there and play the game the right way every time,'' he said. From AP: "The exchange lasted a few minutes. It involved yelling and ended with Astros manager Cecil Cooper putting his arm across Backe and guiding him away from Pujols. It apparently was over Pujols sliding into Astros catcher J.R. Towles in the eighth inning of the Cardinals' win over the Astros on Tuesday, an event Pujols had already apologized to Towles for." Pujols also had a run-scoring single and Rick Ankiel had two RBI. It was Pujols' first homers of the season. Bradon Looooooper! allowed five hits and three runs in 5 2/3 innings, striking out four. St. Louis is 7-2 in the Central, a half-game up on the second-place Brewers.

• Tigers Win! Tigers Win! Cigarettes for everyone! After scoring only 15 runs during an 0-7 start, Detroit rolled several runs off the assembly line to beat the Red Sox 7-2. Marcus Thames and Carlos Guillen homered, Edgar Renteria had three hits and Ivan Rodriguez got the 2,500th hit of his career for the Tigers, who also drew eight walks. Well, that helps.

• And Now Even The Mets Are Winning. The Mets beat the Phillies? Must be some sort of mixup. Of course, Philly was playing without Jimmy Rollins, but New York still broke a nine-game losing streak to their hated rival, winning 8-2. Eric Bruntlett and his Magic Fingers made two errors at short — he was filling in for the injured Rollins — and Phillies starter Kyle Kendrick walked six in the first two innings. The paradoxically named Angel Pagan had a two-run double for the Mets.

• Taste The Rockies. Oh Braves, your pitching is so good. Yorvit Torrealba had a three-run homer in a six-run third as the Rockies won their third straight, 12-6. Atlanta used three pitchers; two with ERAs of more than 15.00.

• Now What's Going On Here? Hard to imagine any kid taking a hard line on trading his Zack Greinke baseball cards, but that's the way it could be shaping up. It's Greinke Fever! He threw eight scoreless innings to lead the Royals to a 4-0 win over the Yankees, improving to 2-0 with an 0.60 ERA. KC (6-2) leads the Central Division. Baltimore (AL East) and Florida (NL East) are also in first, in case you are asked.