——————————————

Bottom 11th

Goodnight, Rivera. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, mush. Hello, Luis Vizcaino. He walks Kenny Lofton, who reaches for the fourth time tonight. (Oh, and the Red Sox lead 2-0 in the other game, if you care.) Gutierrez fails to lay down the bunt in his first two attempts. Who needs to sacrifice? Gutierrez singles through the left side of the infield.

And up comes Torgo. (By the way, if you don't have a damn clue what I'm talking about, it's a character from "Manos: Hands of Fate." See for yourself, and tell me the guy who just bunted up Gutierrez and Lofton up a base each doesn't look like Torgo.) Sizemore is purposely walked, and with one out, Asdrubal Cabrera wants to be a hero. The infield's in. The outfield's in. Craig Sager's jacket is ... no it's not.

The count's 2-2. Could he be walked in? Why, no. Cabrera pops out. That's the exact opposite of the intended result.

It's up to Hafner now. The count's 2-1 ... 2-2 ... 3-2 ... BASE HIT TO RIGHT CENTER! But, to be fair, that wasn't A-Rod's fault. He couldn't have possibly caught that.

So, now that the game's over, I don't have to continue the live blog anymore, but I do want to share one more ...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JASON GIAMBI! His hair contains so much oil, four Middle Eastern countries lay claim to it, and some progressive Kuwaiti mullahs actually pray nightly in the direction of his scalp.

Thanks, everyone, for following along and keeping the comments sweet, sultry, and sassy.

Top 11th

Perez is now in his second inning, with Melky Cabrera stepping up to bat. He flies out to Gutierrez. Which reminds me, the insects seem to be less aggravating in the extra innings. Even they were finally informed THERE'S ONLY ONE ... OC-TOHHHH-BRRR! The burly, surly Shelley Duncan is now batting in lieu of Mientkiewicz. He's not too fast, and I know that only because Peralta threw him out on a grounder to him. Damon just can't check his swing, and Perez chips in with two solid innings in extras.

Bottom 10th

The Angels and Red Sox are playing on TNT. Feel free to turn to that game, Massachusetts, if you hate singing, laughing children. Oh, and the Associated Press has already released a story on the insects that descended on Jacobs Field. Savor the bug humor now, Deadspinions, because when metro newspaper headline writers get in on the fun, the innovation of the schtick is officially finished.

Rivera's still pitching, and Sizemore comes up. All right, I know exactly what Bob Brenly meant when he said that Rivera's cut-fastball has that "boring action," but ... sheesh, Bob. Just ... well, I liked your managerial tactics in the 2001 World Series. That's all I'll say. Sizemore fouls it off, and ... no, he missed it completely! He's running to first, and Posada's throw to Mientkiewicz, and since the first baseman isn't Manute Bol, it goes over his head and Sizemore's on base. Again.

Wild guess here, folks, but he won't score this inning.

Cabrera lays down a sac bunt, and the Indians have a runner on second with just one out. Hafner visualizes his minor league manager chewing into a boar's leg, and he pulls the ball to the right side of the infield, advancing Sizemore to third base. They're just givin' first base to Martinez. Rivera wants Garko, if ya know what I mean. And I mean, he wants to pitch to Ryan Garko instead of Victor Martinez. That's what I meant, clearly. And he ... wow, that ball hit him. He didn't even budge. Rivera doesn't like the fact that he didn't try to get out of the way. Now, if it were me batting? I'd have gotten out of the way if the ball came within a three-foot radius of my body. Guess that was my problem playing baseball growing up.

But Rivera strikes out Peralta, and that's what you call leaving 'em loaded. I'm shocked — SHOCKED — that the Indians left runners on base.

Top 10th

So Fausto Carmona ends with the best damn no-decision we've seen in the postseason. He allowed just six baserunners and struck out five. If anyone outside of Elias kept track of "groundouts to the pitcher," Carmona might have set a postseason record. But enough about him. He's in the past. Rafael Perez is your new pitcher. He forces Matsui to pop out near the pitcher's mound, and Blake catches it. Posada gets a good swing on a pitch, but it dies in the warning track in Gutierrez's glove, and with it, all his hopes and dreams. Cano also pops to short, and something tells me this livebloggery will last a while. Unless ... wait, Kyle Farnsworth is in the Yankees' bullpen, right? Good.

Bottom 9th

And here comes Mariano Rivera. So, extra innings then. Kenny Lofton flies to center, which is odd because some flies were already in center. I hope Melky wasn't confused. Gutierrez can't touch Rivera's pitches either, and Blake puts another ball into center field for Melky to catch. Yep. More baseball.

Top 9th

As Kenny Lofton calls for the clubhouse eyewash boy, Craig Sager unravels the mystery of the bug invasion. It's warm, and Cleveland is near a big lake. I had no idea!

Damon would have fit in with this swamp-like territory had he still possessed his Bostonian beard. But instead, with his metrosexual look, he harmlessly grounds out. Jeter has no luck either against Carmona, who then turns around and violently shakes off seven ticks from his nape. Abreu grounds to shortstop, but Peralta lollygags a little on the catch-throw and Abreu beats it out for an infield single.

The crowd is starting to get into it. You can hear them chanting during Carmona as he faces Alex Rodriguez: "Bzzzt bzzt bzzt-bzzt! [clap clap clapclapclap] Bzzzt bzzt bzzt-bzzt! [clap clap clapclapclap]" Which means it's time for a ...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: ALEX RODRIGUEZ! Growing up, when his parents moved to a new town, Rodriguez got a paper route during the summer. The neighborhood never quite warmed up to him, especially one day in 1985, when Rodriguez crashed his bike into a breakdancer, a remote control car, a construction worker, a stray tire, the Grim Reaper, a lady with a rolling pin, a doghouse, and a tornado. The neighborhood also gave him shit because, after his route was over, he could never complete the obstacle course.

Abreu steals second on the 1-2 pitch to A-Rod. That guy has flat-out earned his two bases with hustle and grit. Evidently TBS has not yet developed the technology for a second base leadoff graphic. Rodriguez is fouling off pitch after pitch. He's still in there. Jesus. And there's Carmona's sinker, which gets by A-Rod for the third out. But, again, you can't blame him. Yankees fans will predictably blow this two-out-with-RISP strikeout in the ninth way out of proportion.

Bottom 8th

Chamberlain is still in the game, and the flies are starting to gather in swarms. Hey, you'll have that when the concession stands sell Pig Head On A Stick.

Happenings begin with a walk to Sizemore. UNNECESSARY ZOOM ON CHAMBERLAIN'S NECK! WHOAAAA! The ball ricochets off 15 gnats, then Posada's mitt, then a nightcrawler, and Sizemore takes second. As Cabrera bunteth, Sizemore moves up 90 feet. Chamberlain is now adorning a beard of bees. I guess we know who's been eating Honey Nut Cheerios between innings. Hafner sends a line drive right, I mean RIGHT, at Malphabet at first base. That's two outs.

Martinez needs a base hit to tie this.... just kidding. Chamberlain's second wild pitch of the game allows Sizemore to score. hey, know what other phenom once caught the wild pitch bug in the postseason and never recovered? And Martinez gets dinged in the shin with by a pitch. In all fairness, I too would be distracted if cockteasing ladybugs started whispering sweet nothings into both of my ears.

Chamberlain's pitches keep zinging off gypsy moths and out of the strike zone, and Garko earns himself a walk. The Yankees clearly don't want Chamberlain in there anymore, but they had nobody ready to send to the mound. Luis Vizcaino begins to warm up. The insects are still furiously looking for Homer's pile of sugar.

Chamberlain finally learns how to throw through moving antennae and rings up Peralta. Jesus Citronella Christ, that was a hell of a half-inning.

Top 8th

Carmona outlasts Pettitte, as if that means anything. He's still going strong. Cano grounds back to the pitcher, then Melkhior does almost the same exact thing. Mientkeiwicz calls time at the plate to ... apparently pull a flea out from underneath his helmet. He grounds to second. The Yankees only have two hits tonight, and seven for the series. Puzzling.

Bottom 7th

Garko falls behind 0-2, then pops out to Mientkiewicz, who just barely had enough room in foul territory for that ball TBS displays the game summary to the tune of the theme from "Major League." Note to self: find that song on iTunes, if possible. Ten-Finger Jhonny blasts a ball to center, and it hits the corner of that left-center field wall. That's a double, but was frighteningly close to tying this thing up. The vintage 1995 edition of Kenny Lofton steps up. He walks on four straight, and Joba Chamberlain, we're told, is murmuring in the bullpen. I guess that's Pettitte's last batter of the night, and here comes Chamberlain. I can only think of one logical action here. That's right it's a ...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JOBA CHAMBERLAIN! Born in 1985, this year's Joel Zumaya is actually reincarnation of the singing career of the Indonesian one-hit wonder Taco Ockerse.

He faces Gutierrez, and promptly strikes him out. He ends the threat as Blake flies out to right. This Chamberlain kid ... I think you'll hear about him someday.

Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of A Little Kid Getting Hurt

Top 7th

The pitching competition continues. Abreu hits a ball to second, but Asdrubal Cabrera as drubal getting the handle on that one, and Abreu is safe at first. And look who's up. It's that one guy. Alex Somethingorother. He strikes out. He's 0-for-ALCS thus far. The Tribe can't turn two on that ground ball courtesy of Matsui. Draining the knee must've jettisoned the excess weight. Posada smashes a line drive to center, but Sizemore leaps toward the falling ball and catches it. Very pretty catch. In no way is Sizemore uncomfortable being called pretty.

Bottom 6th

Sizemore no longer has the burden of stranding a runner if he doesn't get a hit, but ... oh hell, there he goes. A triple into the corner. That would have scored Lofton. Cabrera slaps the ball back to the pitcher, and Sizemore can't advance on that. One out, and with the next batter, that brings up another...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: TRAVIS HAFNER! Coming up through the minor leagues, Hafner knew little English. This is not uncommon — many Latin American baseball players did not know English well. But as a North Dakotan, Hafner was different. He knew no verbal language whatsoever. So in his 1998 season with the Single-A Savannah Sand Gnats, manager Paul Carey devised a specialized set of signals just for Hafner when he stepped to the plate. If he bit into a boar's leg, it meant "pull the ball to right field." When he bit into a deer heart, it meant, "pull the ball to right-center field," When he bit into an ostrich thigh, it meant "just try to make contact." As you can guess, Savannah did not have a lot of ostriches.

TBS flashes a clutchy stat: The Indians were 5-for-8 last night with RISP, and tonight they're 1-for-8. Er, 1-for-9. Hafner swings and misses on strike three. What's our vector, Victor? Make that 1-for-10, as Sizemore's triple dies in vain in the box score with Martinez's strikeout.

Top 6th

Mientkeiwicz starts us off with a ground ball to Garko, prompting a slow, Caucasian race to first. Garko wins. Damon can only muster a nubbly little grounder back to Carmona. Yes, I said nubbly. I'm making up words and I'm not even drugged. Although I did eat Thai food yesterday.

As Jeter grounds out to Peralta, the inning ends, and — oh, the jocularity! — a squirrel is somewhere on the field and picks up a peanut. Will he escape the clutches of the security guard! Find out in our next episode, "Rocky Relief Appearance!" Or, "Take Me Out Of The Ballgame!"

Bottom 5th

So, Kenny Lofton's just gonna keep doing this, isn't he? His ground ball goes right by Mientkiewicz' glove into right field for his second hit of the game. He's 5-for-6 in the series. Pettitte continues to try and pick Lofton off, because "the batter can also be fooled." What are they saying? Pettitte is hoping Michaels will swing at a pickoff attempt? Michaels isn't fooled at all and bunts Lofton over.

I love it when fans boo the opposing pitcher for fake, or even attempted, pickoff throws. "How dare you try to hold the runner! The nerve of you denying our runner the chance to have a 15-foot lead!" He's eyeing Lofton behind him at second. Maybe he'll send him a note during study hall. No, Casey Blake, you can't move him over with that fly ball to left.

Brenly remarks that Rodriguez is playing far off third base because "Sizemore is looking for something he can jerk." I see. Well, he doesn't get a chance to score Lofton, or even leave him stranded, because Lofton takes off for third prematurely and gets tagged out.

Top 5th

I've got a snazzy feeling that this game is already better than last night's game, even though the score is 1-0. Looks like I finally know what it feels like to enjoy a soccer game.

Posada — I tell ya, this guy over the last decade has been the Yankees' most underrated ... whoops, TBS already covered this a couple innings ago — draws a walk. "Sometimes the best time to hit and run is with a slow player," Brenly and/or Tony Gwynn remark. Well, that would have broken up the double play that Cano just hit into. And Cabrera grounds to Cabrera. Try to guess which one is which.

Monopoly is back at McDonald's! Which is amazing, because Monopoly returns to McDonald's only as often as Roger Clemens comes out of retirement.

Bottom 4th

Oxymoronic leadoff hitter Travis Hafner gets on base with a line drive to center. Victor Martinez needs a good nickname. If his was like everyone else, it'd probably be "V-Mart," which just sounds like a great name for a wholesale sex toy shop. So that won't be it. He grounds up the middle, which catches Pettitte's mitt and trickes to Cano. Hafner stops, and rather than running him down, Cano throws to first and gets the "easy out." The camera pans the crowd and catches part of what looked like a Ryan Garko sign, done in the spirit of the Geico gecko. ABC now wants to make a Ryan Garko sit-com, even after his ground ball to short that doesn't advance Hafner in any way.

Peralta can't find Pettitte's 3-2 pitch anywhere. Did he look behind the couch?

Top 4th

Jeter begins the inning with a single to center, but I can't imagine anyone will read too much into it. Abreu zings a ground ball to Garko at first base, who handles it and Jeter advances. Rodriguez is batting now, and can you just imagine the depth of clutchiness in the air if A-Rod were to bat in Jeter right now? It'd be beyond anything. But Rodriguez strikes out on that sinker. To be fair, it wasn't his fault. Oh, Christ, Chip Caray was practically saying what I just said there, only he was serious. "They haven't seen a lot of Carmona." Really? He's the only pitcher in the league who throws a sinkerball?

Matsui hits a chopper to Garko, and can't beat the first baseman to first. Try draining the other knee.

Bottom 3rd

And here comes Jason Michaels. And you know that what means? Why yes, it's time for another...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JASON MICHAELS! Most Cleveland fans know him as the guy acquired during the Coco Crisp Giveaway. First, he was traded to the Phillies straight up for Arthur Rhodes, then came the blockbuster Crisp trade. But before he was an outfielder for the Indians or Phillies, he was the lead singer for 80s hair band Poison.

Michaels doubles past his rightfieldian counterpart Abreu for a double. Casey "Torgo" Blake grounds out and advances Michaels to third. Master will be moderately impressed. Sizemore has a great RBI chance here, but ... well, that didn't do it. He grounds to Mientkiewicz, who cunningly runs toward Sizemore and tags him out, checking Michaels back to third. If you're not listening closely, Bob Brenly speaking can sound a like lot John Kruk. And Pettitte freezes Asdrubal Cabrera for strike three.

Top 3rd

Robinson Cano's grounder nearly clotheslines Cabrera at second, if you can imagine the ball being a line of horizontal dental floss, but he handles it and throws out Cano. And then the wise man known as Melkhior drills a solo home run to right. And because I'm a man who has his finger on the pulse, I'm just finding out now about Doug Mientkiewicz running into a photographer yesterday. He flies out to center. (Mientkiewicz. Not the photographer — he's more of a pull hitter.) Damon rounds out the inning with a cute widdle grounder back to that guy who threw it at him in the first place. Circle of life.

Bottom 2nd

Victor Martinez. Yes, he's going to be a great offensive catcher throughout his career. Fitting that they used the future tense, because Martinez just fouled out about 10 feet away from home plate. Queen Latifah is at the game, but while she likes Cleveland and is a Yankees fan, she's wearing pink for Breast Cancer Awareness month. So ... she's rooting for breast cancer? Thanks, Queen Latifah. You made me miss however Ryan Garko made an out. I think he grounded out. Peralta takes ball four, breaking up Pettitte's no-walker. As Kenny Lofton advances to the plate, five posterboards in succession read: "SORRY LEBRON, KENNY IS KING" In the entire history of monarchies, has there ever been a presiding king that went by Kenny? Absolutely not. Doubtful also for emperors, but perhaps pharaoh who just didn't give a shit anymore.

Czar Kenny swings and fouls a pitch ashis bat slipped in the direction of Pettitte on the mound. Yes ... "slipped." And now Jhonny Peralta steals second. When you use Mario Kart arrows, bases are easy to steal for anyone. Lofton singles to center, but Damon's Melky Cabrera's laser-rocket-beam-missile throw beats Peralta to the plate. You might recall Lofton's single with RISP yesterday in the first inning also resulted in Peralta being tagged out. You might not. I don't know you that well, to be honest.

Top 2nd

Right away, Alex Rodriguez pops to second. So in retrospect, TBS, did he really deserve his own brief video montage just then? Chip Caray discusses Hideki Matsui's drained knee. That kind of stuff always gives me the creeps. And he draws a walk. (Matsui. Not Caray. Chip Caray swings at everything.) Matsui stands proudly on the graphic of the leadoff distance arrows, which remind me of Super Mario Kart. If Matsui is left stranded on base, might I suggest placing a fake item box between first and second? That'll teach some unsuspecting Cleveland Indian to stretch the inevitable single into a double.

Posada grounds into a double play. In my mind, Carmona's still got the perfect game going on, but outside of my own reality he just has a PSYCH-PSYCHER through two innings.

Bottom 1st

I've got this feeling that Andy Pettitte might just throw a perfect game tod... oops, jinx. Grady Sizemore singles to center. But wait! Asdrubal Cabrera grounds into a double play, and Pettitte follows that up by striking out Travis Hafner looking. So how come that's technically not a "perfect inning?" Three batters came to the plate and they were all called out at some point in the inning. Ya know, I'm just gonna go with it. Pettitte is perfect through one.

Top 1st

With the sun running away from Cleveland, the outfield is segregated between light and dark. That means the horizon line is actually the River Styx. Johnny Damon flies out harmlessly to left field. Derek Jeter does worse by striking out on Carmona's patented sinkyball. (Patent pending.) Bobby Abreu completes the obedience trifecta with a tee-ball grounder back to Carmona.

Pregame

So, here's to hoping this game doesn't get decided in the fifth inning. A New York win, a Cleveland win — just PLEASE let the decisive blow be struck in the eighth or ninth inning.

Cleveland's the favorite here, and it seems like everyone's going up 2-0 in series these days. Although the Yankees aren't a team who traditionally loses in the playoffs. In fact, to find their last divisional series loss, you have to go back all the way to last year. And before that, 2005. So, first round exits are few and far between.

Maybe they should have just politely declined the wild card after all.

—————————————-

Top 9th

Hopefully this game doesn't last much longer... well, forget that dream. Here comes Rafael Betancourt. Although he did ring up Cano on three pitches. Pray to god Melky doesn't foul pitches off in a full count.

Ya know what? This thing's almost over, and I had a blast until the game became a blowout, so let's end on a high note by sharing ... One! More!

Fun, Fallible Fact About: RAFAEL BETANCOURT! It's no secret he takes his sweet time between pitches. But why? Well, after he accepts the sign from the catcher, Betancourt will often engage in a staring contest with the radar gun.

Chip Caray's euphemism for Betancourt: he's "deliberate." Yeah. Deliberately dragging it on. And just as I feared, this at-bat is taking forever. Joba Chamberlain is already eligible for Medicaid. And FINALLY, a foul ball stays in play for Lofton to catch it. One more out.

Jeremy Giambi's lesser known brother Jason pinch hits for Shelley Duncan. And he hits right through the shift. He apologized profusely for "that single." Another excruciatingly long at-bat, this time by Johnny Damon ends with a lineout to center field.

Well, I'll say this. The first half of the game was amazing. Thanks for playing along, comrades.

Bottom 8th

Hughes is still throwin' bullets out there, and Hafner flies out to deep center. A triple short of the cycle, the announcing team debate how a Victor Martinez ball could carom off the wall in order for the slow-footed catcher to collect the first ever postseason triple. Yep, you'd have to hit it into a Rube Goldberg machine to keep it away from the outfielders long enough. But forget that silly hypothetical: he flies out to left. As the Cubs-Diamondbacks game starts up in a distant universe, Ryan Garko become the jillionth Indian to hit a solo home run to right field. With 12 runs tonight, the baseball universe will certainly equalize the Indians tomorrow with — let's see, Andy Pettitte's pitching, so — only 8 runs. And Peralta almost gives them their 13th run, but he was a few fathoms short.

Top 8th

And Jensen Lewis shows up to the pitching party, and he gets Alex Rodriguez to "pflyout" to second. With the next batter brings us one more...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JORGE POSADA! You may remember when Posada disabled a FOX "Diamond Cam" embedded in front of home plate in the 2004 ALCS. Posada felt the camera was pervasive and could get in the way of the game. Posada's uncle, former A's outfielder Leo Posada, felt the same way about cameras and regulary took the same proactive actions, which is why his colonoscopy went so poorly.

He flies out to left. Then Lewis strikes out Matsui for the third out, much to the speechlessness of the TBS announcing team. Although I wouldn't rule out that they're napping underneath the desk.

Bottom 7th

Phil Hughes is the next sacrificial lamb, and when he tells his grandkids about his first postseason major league game, he can tell them how he struck out Casey Blake. His grandchildren will be unimpressed. He then gets Sizemore and Cabrera out, and I can't remember the last time the Yanks pitched a 1-2-3 inning — it's entirely possible there were none until now — but I'm with the two-headed analyst monster I call "Gwynly." Phil Hughes is officially broken into the postseason. That might play a factor in a future game.

And Now For A Brief Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of An Elephant Burping In A Kid's Face:

Top 7th

Even with an eight-run cushion, Perez isn't budging. Damon strikes out, and Jeter finally gets a good swing on a pitch, but Gutierrez slides for the catch. Then Perez freezes Abreu on a curveball. Froemming's arm mechanic was about 20 percent Enrico Pallazzo just then.

Wow. Jeter, Rodriguez, and Posada are a combined 0-for-7, but then again any aggregate average can look bad when you cherry pick out of a lineup. Nobody will say that Damon, Abreu, Cano, and Duncan are a combined 4-for-9. How I pity them.

Bottom 6th

TBS is really giving it to LeBron James for wearing a Yankees hat. I can't believe a homegrown superstar is rooting for a team far, far away from him! Has he no local pride! [adjusts Diamondbacks hat]

Ross Ohlendorfersteinerlington is still in there, who retires Asdrubal Cabrera on a groundout. Hafner gets ahold of a pitch, and it sails into the gap ... check that, it's over the wall. One point for Cleveland. Martinez doubles to left, and this young pitcher is 95 percent crestfallen.

Chip Caray: "Is that something that's overrated? Postseason experience?" That sure was a nice thing to ask the championship-free Tony Gwynn.

Peralta gronds out to Jeter in one of the most half-assed forceouts I've ever seen go between Jeter and Rodriguez. I know the lead's big, but do you guys still care? Lofton still cares. He brings in yet another run with a double to right-center. What a night for Lofton! And in the next commercial, we're told rumors that he was traded somewhere. Looks like Mark Shapiro is already rebuilding for 2013.

Torre replaces Ohlendorfersteinerlingtonski, which is good, because you and I both were getting sick of me appending that name. Welcome to the mound, Jose Veras. He induces (do the kids still use that word? "induces?") Gutierrez into a popfoulflyout. No more runs this inning.

Top 6th

I'm all for Sonic, but that meat/bacon/cheeseonion thing in a bun? It looks like they invented a new menu item by scraping whatever's left in the fryer. Stick to burgers and tots, Sonic. Better yet, but a goddamn location within two hours of Toledo.

I didn't think Sabathia wouldn't make it to the seventh, but with a six-run lead, it makes perfect sense to let him watch The Office on DVR in the clubhouse. Rafael Perez is now pitching to Cano.

I was trying to find out what Melky is short for, but it turns out that his full first name. This is just like the time in seventh grade when my friend Val told me that his name wasn't short for anything. The shit it's not. It's only three letters. Is it Valerie? You can be honest, I won't make fun of you. Okay, I will, but still. Lord Melkington strikes out, then Shelley Duncan — how the hell does a midseason callup get such a low number like 17? — follows suit, whiffing at a ball off the plate.

Bottom 5th

So I glance at the clock and realize that there's a new hour-long episode of The Office on right now. I was wondering why you all were so silent. Aw, c'mon back! 45 minutes in, you already have your quote for the "About Last Night" thread tomorrow morning.

Asdrubal Cabrera, I assume, is TiVoing The Office tonight, which he briefly thought of as he drew that walk just then. Hafner's swing kills the bat, as well as his chances of reaching base, as the ball lands in Melky Cabrera's mitt.

Oh, the timingness of it all! As Craig Sager interviews the fan who beats the drum in the top row of Jacobs Field, Martinez smashes a two-run homer to right field. Little kids in the greater Cleveland area are giddy, and Gary Glitter blares through the loudspeaker. These two events are not related.

Garko grounds out. Ho hum.

Turns out the guy who beats the drum is a computer guy for AT&T. He serves as a shining beacon among those in the information technology industry. With a little hard work and a lot of free time on nights and weekends, you too can have 15 seconds of fame!

I think Peralta just doubled or something. I should watch more and write less.

So, an update on my passing remark about the supposed age similarity between Kenny Lofton and Eric Wedge. Lofton is actually eight months older than Wedge. There you have it. Lofton singles back up the middle, a lot like his first-inning RBI hit, only this time Jhon scores rather than gets tagged in a rundown. It's now 7-3, and with that — wow, I can't believe I kept away from Chien-Ming dick jokes until now — Joe Torre appears to be pulling Wang.

So Ross Ohlendorf is your Yankees pitcher. I have zero pre-fabricated Ross Ohlendorf jokes. I can tell by the look in your eyes that you're disappointed in me. And Lofton steals second. Eventually, someone will let Bob Brenly know that the pitcher's name is not Ross Ohlendorfer. I guess when you have an unusual long name to say, one more generic suffix won't hurt. And Ohlendorferstein walks Franklin Gutierrez. And this game is just getting outta hand. Torgo laces a double in the right field corner, scoring Lofton and Gutierrez. Ohlendorfersteinerling looks rattled out there.

Sizemore hits a fly ball between three fielders, but Melky catches up to it and ends the ballistic fifth.

Top 5th

And heeere's Shelley, pinch-hitting for Mientkiewicz. Thank God. I'm fucking sick of typing that last name. Can you feel it? There's this 26.9 percent feeling in the air that the Indians' lead will be halved after this at-bat. Instead, the 73.1 percent feeling of logic kicks in, and Duncan cracks a long single to the opposite field. Damon takes some really, really close pitches, and bumps Duncan up to second on the walk.

Sabathia's pitch count is in the low-to-mid-90s, with a slight chance of thunderstorms rolling in late in the evening. Visibility: 5 miles.

Seeing that C.C.'s frosting mantra was slipping, the pitching coach comes back out for a powwow. Jeter flies out to right, but Duncan can't advance. But who needs to advance the runner? Abreu's double down the left-field line brings the huffin' and puffin' Duncan home. Fearing that 0-1 average in the postseason thus far, the Indians grant A-Rod first base. But why do it on four pitches? Why not just throw a 50-mph fastball that bounces four or five times and hit A-Rod in the shin? It wouldn't hurt, it'd be hard to hit, and it would save us all valuable livebloggin' time.

As he struggles against Jorge Posada with the bases loaded and one out, this is as good a time any to bring you another...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: C.C. SABATHIA! He brings his own rosin bag to away games, which is filled not with rosin, but rather with Pixy Stix powder.

And with a full count, Sabathia strikes Posada out swinging. Big, big, out. Bigger still was that popup that Sabathia made Matsui hit. Yes, he made him do it. WITH HIS MIND.

Bottom 4th

Kenny Lofton was in Eric Wedge's graduating class, right? He flies out to Cano behind second base. Hey, at what distance does a popout becomes a flyout? Methinks we need a new line of paint through the outfield. Gutierrez draws a walk, and ... WHOOSH ... TBS spills a virtual graphic beneath his feet as he leads off. Evidently it's a 9-foot measuring stick. One of Tom Smykowski's greatest inventions to date!

Blake grounds down the line, but A-Rod catches it and forces out Cabrera at second. Blake is now on the ... you know, that looks like half of a Simon game. I'm still trying to figure out what to call this thing. Any takers, commenters?

Sizemore looks at strike three. Froemming's been calling a very consistent high strike.

Top 4th

I just had a vision of hell. Frank Caliendo and Dane Cook dining at Applebee's, as "Our Country" plays on the jukebox. [woogidy]

Posada's flyout to right makes Gutierrez work a little. A little. Matsui looks silly striking out, but not as silly as Jeter doing that Riverdance an inning prior.

The announcers are gushing over C.C. Sabathia! He's dialed in! He's rolling! He's a Cy Yo... scratch that. Robinson Cano hits a solo home run. Both the fans and announcers must now refrain 15 minutes before saying something overly complimentary about Sabathia. And Mientkiewicz pops out, but hey, they got their run.

Bottom 3rd

Chip Caray says that Asdrubal Cabrera's "natural position is short." They have enhancement pills for that, I've heard. Okay, I deserved that, as Cabrera shut me up mid-dick joke with a home run to right-center. Hafner grounds out and ... well, lookit that, Craig Sager found LeBron James wearing a Yankees hat. Given what he's done so far, I don't think anyone in Cleveland will really question James's allegiances in non-basketball sports. He says he's been a Yankees fan his entire life, which will work out when he's traded to the Knicks for the 2008-09 season.

Martinez flies out, and then Garko — oh, I could pick a number of cutesy slang terms for this — bloops a single into right field. Peralta's fly ball goes farther than Garko's, enough so Abreu can catch up to it and make the catch, yet Garko's the one who gets credited with a base hit. Funny how that works.

Top 3rd

Damon's 2-2 count from the previous inning gets reset for the top of the third, but Sabathia strikes him out anyway. I suppose that's a legitimate five-pitch strikeout. Jeter strikes out while losing balance and sort of flailing his body on the third strike, as if to say, "Everybody! Look at me! I just got schooled!" He probably didn't say that, however. Abreu gets his second walk of the night, and Rodriguez ... well, that won't get any runs in. Pop-up to Peralta. The clutchification must wait.

Bottom 2nd

The announcers are sure hoping Wang, like Sabathia, settles down and this game becomes a pitching duel. Maybe I'm the only one who hopes this thing's 8-6 going into the fourth inning.

Franklin Gutierrez pops out to A-Rod. What a clutchographic catch. Casey Blake — be honest, with that beard, he's a spittin' image of Torgo from "Manos: Hands of Fate" — strikes out on four pitches. Sizemore grounds 'twixt Cano and Mientkiewicz. And for the second straight inning, Sizemore is out at second. Only this time he tried to steal against Posada. Greedy git.

Top 2nd

Robinson Cano looks at four straight non-frosting pitches and takes first.

Meanwhile, TBS shows a replay of Wedge talking to Bruce Froemming after the Damon home run, with audio goodness. Froemming: "There was no doubt about it." I suppose there's no way to argue that.

Melky Cabrera pops out in foul territory, bringing up Doug Mientkiewicz (born in Toledo!) And that means it's time for a:

Fun, Fallible Fact About: DOUG MIENTKIEWICZ! It's no coincidence that his name is an anagram for "Ionized Wicket Gum." His great-grandfather, Adolphus Mientkiewicz, invented ionized wicket gum as an alternate method for keeping tires attached to Model-Ts.

Mientkiewicz flies out. With Damon batting, Cano tries to steal, but someone in the clubhouse must've set Cano to "Don Zimmer speed," because Martinez threw him out with plenty of time.

Bottom 1st

Wang's first pitch ... thwack, right on Grady Sizemore's toesies. Asdrubal Cabrera — wasn't he the cat from "The Smurfs?" — grounds into a double play, and all Sizemore has to show for his efforts is a hurty foot. Travis Hafner draws a 2-out walk, which is fortunate, because that's also his running speed. You'd think Victor Martinez is more of a 3-hitter, and Hafner's a 4-hitter, but here we are. Martinez lines to right for a single, and Hafner, well ... "walks" to second. Ryan Garko lines back up the middle, and Hafner — Christ, he'd go faster if someone hauled him with a forklift — scores from second. And here comes Jhonny Peralta.

Bob Brenly, discussing how both pitchers could settle down after this rocky inning: "this may be all the offense we see all night!" Did he just say the game would end 1-1. Yes, because if any former manager knows something about tie games, it's Bob Brenly. And that's when Peralta battles off 3-2 pitches en route to a walk.

Hey, look, Kenny Lofton. Did he bring Wil Cordero? Lofton singles up the middle, scoring two more, before Jhonny Cakes gets caught in a rundown between second and third. Don't worry, Brenly, there's still plenty of time to finish this game tied.

Top 1st

So, I promised myself I would keep the fat jokes to a minimum, but I just can't help it. Before the game, catcher Victor Martinez gave Sabathia some control advice: just pretend that the strike zone is frosting. A 3-1 pitch to Johnny Damon is CRUSHED ... deep ... deep ... foul. Foul!? Joe Torre doesn't think so, so he comes out and makes his case about the physics of time and space. Chip Caray: "the first rhubarb of the series." The first what? Now they discuss it and the umpires call it a home run. Eric Wedge comes out to complain. Logically, I assume this is the second rhubarb of the series.

Now I'm being told the Rockies/Phillies game is over. All you Chandler disciples better have moved your ass over here by now.

Derek Jeter pops out to second, but it was a clutch popout. Bobby Abreu turns a 1-2 count into a walk, and now some guy named Alex is batting. Sabathia's starting to lose his control already. No, shoulder-high isn't frosting. Shoulder-high is broccoli. Rodriguez, at one point in a 1-2 count himself, draws a walk. WHAT CLUTCHERINESS.

With C.C. already chucking 25 pitches, the coach comes out and sternly tells him about the concept of the "zone where strikes go" as Jorge Posada steps up to bat. He falls behind 2-0, then hurls three straight strikes. Mmm. delicious frosting. Matsui grounds out, and that's the inning.

Pregame

Analysis of today's game: expect an alternating pattern of "Major League" quotes, followed by "The Scout" quotes.

AccuScore forecasts that Shelley Duncan has a 26.9 percent chance of hitting a home run. And here I thought the dead lady from "Lamb Chop's" was more of a contact hitter. The same baseball algorithm predicts that C.C. Sabathia's hat has a 99.8 percent chance to, for the 220th straight game, annoy the ever loving shit out of me.

But I think the series is best summed up by the infamous "featured comment" on ESPN.com's playoff series page:

"The playoffs are all about three things: (1) pitching, (2) pitching, and (3) pitching. Forget about the dominance of Sabathia and Carmona ... and look at the Indians' bullpen. No question which team has a major edge in pitching."

Well, it's 6:25, and the Phillies/Rockies isn't over yet, so it sounds like the game's going to start being showed on TNT. In the meantime, I could liveblog this episode of "Law & Order." And I will. Hmmm, they appear to be interrogating a teenage Russian prostitute. This should be rather ... [channel cuts to MLB coverage] ... oh, hi Ernie Smith. Didn't see ya there. Could you knock next time?!

The game announcers Tony Gwynn, Bob Brenly, and Chip Caray. Hey, I know all those people.

—————————————-
Top of the Ninth Inning

Beckett stays in as it's do or die time for the Halos.

Fun fact: If Beckett completes this game with a shutout he will have more postseason shutouts than regular season. (3 and 2)

Cabrera grounds out on his first pitch. Beckett one out a way from a complete game shut out. I can't help but root for him. Because to root for him is to root for baseball. Or something dumb like that.

Guerrero singles to center. One on, two out.

Anderson flies out to center, giving Beckett an incredible complete game shutout.

Thanks for hanging out with me for the last few hours. As predicted, it came down to pitching and Beckett has earned his hookers and blow. Can Dice-K pick up where Beckett left off? Tomorrow will tell

FINAL
Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Bottom of the Eighth Inning

Youk flies out to right. One down.

Ortiz flies out to center. Two down.

Manny pops out in foul territory. Trips on his XXXXXL uniform on
his way back to the dugout.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Top of the Eighth Inning

Beckett still in. Lackey still crying.

Kotchman grounds out on a throw from Youk to Beckett. Man down.

Kendrick threads a single past Lugo and Lowell.

Erik Aybar comes in to pinch hit for Mike Napoli. He proceeds to ground into a force out knocking Kendrick out at second and putting himself on first. If that's not superb pinch hitting, I don't know what is.

Kendry Morales in to pinch hit for Willits. Aybar steals second on a wild pitch. Beckett responds by striking out Morales on a nasty inside pitch.

Beckett ends the inning with 101 pitches. Could he go 9? I think he could!

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Bottom of the Seventh Inning

The Angels bring in former starter Ervin Santana to relieve Lackey. Lackey does, indeed, look relieved.

Crisp pops out to third. One down.

Lugo called out on strikes. Two down.

Pedroia strikes out swinging. Inning over. Santana smirks at Lackey while Lackey gives him the finger. Name calling ensues.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Top of the Seventh Inning

Beckett starts the inning with just over 70 pitches and looking fresh. Cut to a shot of Lackey in the dugout who looks like he's aged 20 years in the last 2 hours.

Cabrera grounds out to short. One down.

Guerrero's helmet looks like it's sponsored by the Pine Tar Association of America. He singles to left, ending Beckett's run of 19 straight batters down.

Pinkeye Anderson pops out to third. Two down.

Announcer Steve Stone calls a two out double play on Izturis. I guess he thinks giving the Angels an extra out this inning might help.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Bottom of the Sixth Inning

Leave me alone. I'm eating.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Top of the Sixth Inning

Napoli strikes out swinging.

Willits strikes out on a foul tip. Two down.

Figgins out on a great catch by Coco Crisp in center. Not bad for a guy named Coco.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Bottom of the Fifth Inning

Pedroia grounds out. One down.

Youk goes down looking. Don't sweat it Youk. It happens.

Ortiz gets walked, which probably isn't such a bad thing. One man on, two down.

Does Ramirez put on a bigger uniform before each inning? Manny goes down on a questionable strike three stranding Papi at first.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Top of the Fifth Inning

Beckett hits the mound looking like an Angel killer.

Izturis pops up to short center. Jose Mora on the sidelines looks like he got a 4 for 1 deal in the Botox department.

Kotchman strikes out swinging. Two down.

Kendrick grounds out. Pitch/Strike count: Beckett 64/47, Lackey 70/43

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Bottom of the Fourth Inning

Varitek strikes out on five pitches from Lackey.

Crisp pops out in foul territory. Two down.

Lugo strikes out, giving Lackey his second K of the night and a 1-2-3 inning. Atta boy!

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Top of the Fourth Inning

Cabrera strikes out on some nastiness from Beckett.

Guerrero grounds out. Two down. Beckett's only thrown 13 balls in 49 pitches. Not gonna lie. I'm a little turned on.

Anderson strikes out to end the inning. How's that pinkeye working out for ya?

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Bottom of the Third Inning

Third inning and Lackey's pitch count is already at 38. Not good.

Youkilis doubles up the third base line bringing a dangerous looking Papi to the plate.

Ortiz hits a two run shot to right field as Lackey wipes away tears. Two runs in, one out.

Ramirez gets walked. Lackey! Hold it together dude!

Ramirez to second on a pitch in the dirt by Lackey. Lackey falls behind Lowell 3-1.

Lowell singles to center bringing Ramirez home from third. I hope the Angels bullpen ate their Wheaties today.

JD Drew hits into a double play (again, a shock to all in attendance) to end the inning.

Angels 0, Red Sox 4

Top of the Third Inning

Mike Napoli grounds out to Youk. One down.

Reggie Willits flys out to left. Two down. Little Manny Ramirez looks like he's playing dress up in Big Papi's uniform.

Figgins strikes out on a hellacious pitch from Beckett, putting Beckett's K count at 2.

Angels 0, Red Sox 1

Bottom of the Second Inning

Jason Varitek leads of with a single to right field.
.
Coco Crisp hits into a double play. Two down with one shot.

Julio Lugo singles to right, and then ends the inning by getting thrown out trying to steal second. Francona off the bench again. The under is looking like a pretty safe bet right now.

Angels 0, Red Sox 1

Top of the Second Inning

Maicer Izturis grounds out to third. One down.

Casey Kotchman grounds out to Pedroia. Two down

(Camera cuts to a close up of Mike Scioscia. -1 for HD broadcasting)

Howie Kendrick fouls off. his foot. Francona's off the bench to argue. I'm putting the over/under on Francona's ejection at the 7th inning. Kendrick responds by flying out to center.

Angels 0, Red Sox 1

Bottom of the First Inning

Dustin Pedroia grounds out to third

Kevin Youkilis...going....going...GONE!! Sox go up one run on a shot to left center. Apparently it's the first postseason HR of his career. Yooooouuuuuuk!!!!!

(Ted Robinson and Steve Stone are already starting with the useless stats. Wonderful.)

David Otriz singles on a line drive to left.

Manny Ramirez singles, sending Ortiz to third and Lackey to therapy.

Mike Lowell pops out to third. Two down.

JD Drew grounds out to the shock of all watching. Inning over.

Angels 0, Red Sox 1

Top of the First Inning

Shawn Sean Chone Figgins singles off the glove of Pedroia on a 3-2 pitch from Beckett to start the inning.

Orlando Cabrera bloops to short, getting thrown out at first and advancing Figgins to second.

Figgins takes a shot at stealing third as Vlad Guerrero grounds out to third. Runner on third, two out.

Garret Anderson, who's facing Beckett with an eye swollen shut from pinkeye, strikes out swinging to strand Figgins at third and end the inning.

Game so far: almost exciting

Angels 0, Red Sox 0

Preview

Hi folks. I'll do my best to keep you updated while putting aside my hatred for the Sox.

The Beckett - Lackey match-up should be interesting as both boys have seen postseason action before and are among the top contenders for the Cy Young. Unfortunately the Angels have a horrid record against the Sox having lost 10 of 11against them with Lackey on the mound. There are some heavy bats in both line-ups. One misstep from either of these pitchers will blow the game wide open.

Hopefully this live blog will go much better than this afternoon's. Note to Bolster: Put down the Penthouse and pay your internet bill. Oh, and don't be embarrassed that you couldn't finish. It happens to every guy now and then.