There's already been talk of expanding instant replay to more situations beyond home run calls, but as Jonah Keri of the Wall Street Journal points out shouldn't we be able to get rid of the umpires altogether? The technology used at major tennis tournaments has pretty much put line judges out of business (although they still let them sit in those prime seats so Serena Williams has some to talk to), so that solves all those fair/foul questions. Balls and strikes are even easier to handles since every Major League park already has the "Pitch-f/x zone evaluation system" that the league uses to assess their umpires' ability at the plate. If the Pitch f/x machines are the ones telling the humans what is and isn't a strike, then why do we need the meatbag standing behind the catcher? Just cut out the middle man.

All that's left is tag plays and force out on the base paths. That's simple—radio-transmitting baseballs and pressure activated base alarms that will determine if the ball hits the glove before the foot hits the bag. (Also works for trapped fly balls in the outfield.) And for the occasional rundown, pickoff play, or hit batsmen, we just make everyone wear those Laser Tag sensors. We've had the technology since 1986. What's the hold up?

Or we could just make sure that the best people umpires work the biggest games and also fire those that suck at their job, but that seems a lot less fun. The robots are going to enslave us anyway, so what's the use in fighting it?

Does Baseball Need Umpires? [Wall Street Journal]
Palermo wary of more replay in baseball [Kansas City Star]
Blown calls in playoffs? 5 ways to break ump slump [AP]

Outside of calling balls and strikes, you would think that being an umpire is pretty simple. It requires almost no physical effort and there are very few "judgment" calls that require interpretation of some vague rule during split-second action. (Was that pass interference or incidental contact? Did he establish position before that charge?) Most decisions on the baseball field are very black and white and in the playoffs you get two extra guys so that's even less responsibility for some, yet somehow these guy keep screwing up the most basic umpiring functions.

Let's see if we can find them all....

AL Central Tiebreaker: With the bases loaded and one out in the top of the 12th inning, Brandon Inge is hit by a pitch. (Clothing counts!) Home plate umpire Randy Marsh says he wasn't. Inge grounds out, the Tigers fail to score and lose in the bottom of the inning.

Red Sox-Angles ALDS, Game 1: On two different plays, first base umpire C.B. Bucknor—once voted by players as the worst umpire in Major League Baseball—calls Howie Kendrick safe, even though replays showed 1B Kevin Youklis applied the tags to get Kendrick out. In both cases he fails to score, but the Red Sox lose anyway.

Yankees-Twins ALDS, Game 2: In the top of the 10th inning, Twins catcher Joe Mauer hits a line drive that bounces off Melky Cabrera's glove and clearly lands in fair territory before bouncing into the stands for what should have been a ground rule double. However, left field umpire Phil Cuzzi—who is at the game specifically to call fair balls down his line—rules it foul. Mauer later reaches on a single, but the Twins fail to score and lose in the bottom of the inning.

Rockies-Phillies NLDS, Game 3: With the game tied in the top of the 9th, Chase Utley hits a weak ground ball in front of the plate, but hustles down the line and is called safe at first when the throw is offline. However, replays show that not only did first baseman Todd Helton have his foot on the bag, the batted ball hit Utley while he was in the batter's box and should have been ruled a foul ball. As a result of the play, a runner on base moved to third and later scored the winning run on a sacrifice fly.

Did the ball hit him or not? Did he step on the base or not? What's that white line for? These are pretty basic questions for an umpire and those who are called upon to work playoff games are supposed to be the best of the best. So how have they botched these plays so spectacularly? Are we headed toward another Don Denkinger moment, when a egregiously blown call blatantly costs one team a game—and maybe the World Series?

We better hope not, because if that happens (and even if doesn't, the way things are going) then instant replay review will become a staple of Major League games and the slowest sport in the world will ooze to a molasses-like stalemate. Then you'll see some REALLY bad calls.

Umpire's Gaffe Fuels Talk of Expanding Replay System - washingtonpost.com [Washington Post]
MLB umps battling Letterman for October goat honors [USA Today]
Some players cry foul against umpires at Fenway Park [LA Times]
Umpires continue playoff slump, blow call twice on Utley single [Big League Stew]
Nothing But Complaints [WEEI]

A lot of you took notice of this dude during Game 3 of the ALDS last night. He looks both shocked and amazed at ... something. Is it whatever he just ate out of that tinfoil package in front of him? Did the woman in the jester hat just tell him that she's only 17? Are the voices back?

Or did he just notice that he's watching a baseball game ... indoors. Like ... whoa, man. That's pretty heavy.

UPDATE: As a few commenters have pointed out, it looks like this is Chris Mars, former drummer of The Replacements, and his wife, Sally. Rock on, kids.

* * * * *

Welcome to another Monday. Was your weekend productive? Yeah, neither was mine.

* * *

Bottom 9th

2 3

I do believe we finally have a Sox-Angels game that took less — MUCH less — than three hours to complete. Even better, it was back and forth for the last three innings. Even more to the point, there is a perfectly good Justin Masterson for sale on Craigslist.

So that's the clincher. Boston and Tampa Bay for the league champeenship. In no professional sport does that city matchup look right. So I will nap off the willies for 48 hours in the hopes that it makes more sense by then. Thanks for breezing through this game with me, comrades.

11:28 — Add one more scrappy hero to the Bostonian pile: Jed Lowrie's ground ball escapes Howie Kendrick's grasp, lands in front of Willits, and you know what happens from here. Bay rounds third, slides, and it's drinking time for Massachusetts. Mother of a multiracial messiah those final three plays happened so fast.

11:28 — Fifty-seven exclamation points in a row, please. Teixeira dives and catches Kotsay's scorcher.

11:26 — After Drew whiffs at nothin' but nitrogen, Reggie Willits slowly morphs into All-Star Dan Uggla. He dives at Bay's fly ball down right field, but doesn't get close and the ball jumps into the right field mosh pit for a double.

11:24 — Hey Scot. Can ya' keep pitchin'? Theenks.

Top 9th

11:22 — With the inning pretty much over, Aybar will be on SportsCenter only twice as he grounds out to first.

11:20 — Whoa, craziness down the third base line. Varitek runs down Willits on the squeeze play, falls, drops the ball, and Willits is still out. Why is he out, even though he dropped it? As John Madden would say, he was down by contact, and one knee equals two feet. (I actually have no goddamn clue why the tag counts. I didn't read Section 15.2.viii of the rulebook. No spoilers, please.

11:18 — Manny Delcarmen, which is my favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor, will now throw really fast balls to Jason Varitek, most of which he'll catch. Erick Aybar, do you want to be on SportsCenter? Or do you want to be on SportsCenter eight times?

11:16 — Reggie Willits will do the running that Morales simply won't do, and Kendrick selflessly sacrifices his own internal organs to send Willits to third base. Terry Francona wants to use a different pitcher, and frankly can you blame him?

11:15 — Wait, really? Kendry Morales doubles to start the "final" inning. Like hell this is the final inning. That's like saying there's a final level in the video game Gauntlet. THERE ISN'T.

11:13 — It's the ninth, and you know what that means. Time for Kendry Morales to pinch hit! [shrug]

Bottom 8th

2 2

11:10 — Youkilis, please give Julio Franco back his batting stance. That's why you struck out, dont'cha know.

11:08 — Yeck. David Ortiz hasn't looked that bad swinging at a curve in the dirt since Minnesota.

11:05 — Scot Shields, your mission is to take this 2-2 lead and do nothing with it. Pedroia lines out accordingly.

Still Top 8th

11:03 — Hey, that totally wasn't sarcasm just then. I literally knew Napoli was going to fly out to right field to end the inning.

11:01 — Hey, another 0-2 count for Masterson, this time on Mike Napoli, who has done absolutely NOTHING at Fenway in this series. (That anyone would choose to remember.) Certainly nothing horrible will come of this, and the game will move to the bottom of the inning.

10:59 — Whoops++. Masterson gets ANOTHER 0-2 count, falls to 2-2, and Torii laces a ball the other way, plating two, tying the game, and certainly keeping up everyone on the Atlantic coast up until 1:30 a.m.

10:56 — Whoops. Masterson's pitch goes right by Varitek's glove — it doesn't even touch his glove — and runners move up. Maybe that's why he's batting ninth. Buck Martinez defends the man by assuming Tek was looking curve when it turned out to be fastyball.

10:56 — Fenway fans mocking Torii Hunter by chanting his first name. HAHA, WHAT A GOOFY NAME. That sure put a bee in his bonnet, no doubt.

10:53 — Okajima's out and Justin ... Masterson comes in to pitch? Okay, they're just signing people based on their surname and hoping it works out. Masterson turns an 0-2 advantage into a magic 3-2 count, ten walks Guerrero.

Commercial Break

Sweet! The Viagra couple threw their phone out the window. It's burglin' time!

Top 8th

10:50 — Ed Rapuano's strike zone has taken a turn for the more Plastic Man-like, and Teixeira walks on four pitches.

10:48 — Insta-speculation on Garret Anderson, Mark Teixeira, Vladimir Guerrero, and Francisco Rodriguez. (AND Jon Garland. Chip Caray really wants front row tickets to that fire sale.) Anderson grounds out, the second in as many batters.

10:44 — No more Lester for tonight. Hideki Okajima will protect the shutout, the lead, and perhaps a few injured gazelles. The night is young.

Bottom 7th

0 2

10:40 — The Red Sox are so hardcore, man, they catch their own fly balls. Or ... they ground into their own double plays. Hell, even Lackey's gone seven innings. WORKHORSES!

Seventh Inning Stretch Halftime Entertainment

I gotta say, the combination of Hulu.com and Sarah Palin seems to have caused a slight resurgence of Saturday Night Live popularity. I said SLIGHT. And I said nothing about quality. Hence the ol' skoo' clip.

Top 7th

10:35 — Pitchers still go seven innings in the playoffs now? I thought we evolved beyond that. Andy Sonnanstine went 5 2/3 innings against the White Sox this evening, and that's the LDS equivalent of a complete game. Impressive work by Lester so far.

10:31 — Well, if this game's going to end before midnight, the Red Sox are going to win it, because any type of clawing back by the Guys With Halos On Their Logo will draw out the game and empty the bullpen in any given inning. Thing is, the Red Sox are grabbing every short fly ball known to man.

Bottom 6th

0 2

10:28 — Roll over the pitch, Kotsay. Now run slowly to first. Good. We're making great time.

10:26 — Erick Aybar gives Jason Bay's ground ball a little love push into the outfield. It's ruled a hit. John Lackey rules it grounds for public flogging.

10:24 — Youkilis hits a ground ball, requiring a good defensive play. It happens. The crowd is unimpressed and therefore biased.

Top 6th

10:21 — Lester gets through the sixth cleanly after Napoli's fly ball makes Jason Bay all but get on his tippy-toes to catch it leaning nonchalantly against a giant green wall.

10:18 — Youkilis gloats his defensive prowess at third by throwing out Torii Hunter. "Mike Lowell wouldn't make this play because he's injured." I want to make fun of that sentence, but actually that's some darn solid logic embedded in the statement.

10:16 — Mark Kotsay dives just past the first base coaches box to catch up to Guerrero's broken bat flair. No way is that ball caught in Baseball Simulator 1.000. Maybe in Bases Loaded.

Bottom 5th

0 2

10:13 — Ortiz tried to murder John Lackey! Was I the only one who saw that? He sure made it look unintentaional, but the puma-like reflexes by Lackey caused him to knock it down and throw him out.

10:12 — What's better than a sac groundout? Well, many things. Peanut butter and chocolate, for one. But more to the point, Pedroia's double tames the green monster — in this case, a Sleestak — and brings in the future CEO of VeriTech. Double the run total, por favor.

10:10 — The good news is that Kendrick didn't let Ellsbury's ground ball go through his glove. (Sounds like something I'd do.) The bad news is he didn't field it cleanly, and even though Ellsbury was hosed down at first, there's no double play and a run sneaks home from third.

10:08 — The Ninth Batter corks one literally, physically through Teixeira and you've got men in red on the corners. (The good red.)

10:05 — When his baseball days are over, Jason Varitek needs to found a company called VeriTech. It could be home security, a notary firm, or just a group of people that go out, mingle with pedestrians, say, "Yes, that is true" and then run back to the office and collect $150 an hour. But that's not important right now, for he's batting freaking ninth.

10:03 — Rays clinch. Square the square.

Top 5th

9:59 — STEEEEEEEE-RIIIIIII..... ball two. Jon Lester really wanted it, but let's look at the RapuGraphic: Hey, it WAS a strike! No matter, the next pitch went right down the middle of the plate, which, according to the graphic, should be ball three. Well, that's the world working itself out for ya. No runs for L'Anaheim.

9:57 — Graphic time. Men left on base this series: Angels 40, Red Sox 33. Oh come on. There's only 25 men on each roster. Some of those are duplicates.

9:55 — Somewhere in my fury of crossing network streams, the Angels have two dudes on base and just one out.

9:50 — Craig Sager reports that Mike Scioscia basically guaranteed a win tonight with "forensic analysis" or something. Buck Martinez beat me to the CSI reference, although what a poor way to trumpet the company line by having Martinez reference someone other network's show. Here on Turnervision™, it's "The Closer" or "Frank TV" spoofing CSI or any of the zillion times they show "Legally Blonde," which includes passing references to detective work.

Bottom 4th

0 0

9:48 — Jason Bay IS Jim Breuer in "Too High." Now playing in an inning-ending fly ball at-bat near you. (Featuring Gilbert Gottfried as "The Ornery Lampshade.")

9:45 — Drew's fly ball to RightCenter™ — sounds like an appliance store — tags up David Ortiz. In other news, Ortiz does his own running. I thought all he did was hit. Maybe the pitcher should run in his place once he gets to first. Seems fair to me.

9:42 — Does Julio Franco know Kevin Youkilis stole his batting stance? Moreover, does he know it still works? Youk's grounder to Figgins causes him to hurry the double play throw to Howie Kendrick at second, resulting in a wide throw, a dropped ball, and Taxachusettsans at first and second.

9:38 — Ed Rapuano's strike zone has been called into question more than once tonight. So as a public service to baseball fans everywhere, here's the strike zone Rapuano announced on his Myspace he would be using tonight:

Top 4th

9:35 — Rivera grounds out to third, but his bat doesn't break and impale anyone. Issue addressed and solved.

9:33 — Football: "Spinal injuries and broken bones are a part of the game." Baseball: "We have to do something about baseball bats hitting a player ... before it happens." Mike Napoli's groundout comes free with half a piece of lumber screeching by Lester over the mound.

9:30 — First they named a foul pole after Johnny Pesky, then they retired his number. So just because they named a urinal trough after Keith Foulke, doesn't mean all hope is lost on a number retirement ceremony.

Bottom 3rd

0 0

9:27 — Crimony, this game's going fast. If this thing ends before 11:30, I won't know what to do with myself. I might have to go to sleep on time. That's entirely too frightening to think about.

9:27 — Oh, that's why they bat ninth.

9:26 — Jason Varitek is now batting. Ninth. Jason Varitek is batting ninth. Mark Kotsay is batting ahead of Jason Varitek. Since when do captains bat ninth?

Top 3rd

9:23 — Bagger Vance squibs a grounder to second, and Dustin Pedroia heroically dives toward it and BARELY throws out Guerrero by one-and-a-half steps. Phew, good thing he hustled! Inning-half over.

9:20 — Mark Kotsay would make good escapee of a building on fire. He barrels over Kerwin Danley in pursuit of the foul ball. For good measure, he should have backed over him when going back to first.

9:16 — Teixeira walks, and Vladimir Guerrero — yes, it looks like he's golfing! — comes swingin' away. You never hear an announcer talk about Guerrero swinging at shoulder-high pitches and describe it like hitting a piñata.

9:14 — Mark Teixeira is hitting quite well this series. With Figgins on second, let's take a look at every single hit he's made in this divisional series. [dance groove ditty]

9:11 — We've accepted for far too long that "Chone" Figgins is pronounced "Shawn." It would delight me if his name was a homophone for the UNIX command chown. He hits to left and gets the honor of standing on the Simon handheld game leadoff graphic.

9:07 — Seth Rogen movies: Because Will Ferrell movies are just too erudite for middle America.

Bottom 2nd

0 0

9:05 — JD Drew hits, Jason Bay walks ... and Mark Kotsay errors by hitting into a double play.

9:03 — Kevin Youkilis sits down after a called third strike that, were the Red Sox to challenge using TBS' StrikeBoxTelemetryWhatchercaller, could have gotten a ball three.

Top 2nd

8:58 — Howie Kendrick strikes out to kill the rally, but does his part to tack on six more seconds to the game by running to first and making Varitek throw to first.

8:56 — Extend! EXTEND! Juan Rivera bangs a two-out hit past shortstop. Commence thoughts on how Manny Ramirez would have fielded that base hit and thrown it to second.

8:54 — After two quick outs, Mike Napoli is following company orders by fouling off about three pitches in a row, then calling for time, to extend this game a bit. (Drawing a walk also helps this cause.)

8:51 — Of course the list of tonight's umpires elicits the groove music. Everything should. "And tonight's peanut vendors are:" dow dow DOW DOW DOW ... dow dow DOW DOW DOW ... nnn-tsssh nnn-nnn-tsssh ♬

Bottom 1st

0 0

8:47 — Quick outs by Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia and David Ortiz put this game on pace for a breezy 90 minutes. That's not nearly enough Frank TV ads to make quota.

8:45 — I wonder what baseball would be like if actual 10-foot-tall playing cards were in the field instead of human beings.

8:43 — Time to introduce us to the Red Sox lineup. And ... groove. This music's actually too cool to physically dance to. You can just listen to the music and the notes will dance for you.

Top 1st

8:41 — What's Lester's hurry? Must be double parked. Fignuts, Garret Anderson and Mark Teixeixiexeixera go down in a span of about four minutes. This brings our estimated finish time up to 1:41 a.m.

8:38 — Jon Lester to Chone Figgins: Ball one. The first pitch started one minute late. We're already behind, and expect the pace to continue.

8:37 — The groovy lineup introduction music TBS throws out there makes my bone marrow want to salsa.

8:36 — Wow, the Great Pumpkin is several weeks early for Hallowe... oh, it's just Craig Sager.

Pre-Game Babble

Let's look back at how this series has gone:

Game 1: A bit over three hours. (Good.)
Game 2: Almost four hours. (Ick.)
Game 3: damn well over five hours. (Zzzzzzz)

When TBS said "rig the playoffs so there's more Red Sox," that's not what they had in mind. Tonight's game may very well take seven hours, even if they have to pause between pitches to ask regular bargoers if Jonathan Papelbon is available to pitch tonight. Sheesh. It looks like Mike Lowell took the easy way out of this series.

By the way, I was planning on doing last night's game, but yesterday afternoon decided against it just because I was lazy. It turned out to be the second smartest decision I've made all year. The smartest? Turning down the Oakland Raiders head coaching job.

If the Angels win this sucker, Game 5 will be in Anaheim Wednesday night, and experts in the field of Momentumography agree that the Angels will be virtually impossible to beat to the point that it's not even worth trying to play the game, so Boston might just forfeit the win. Heck, they won it last year. Chicago hasn't won one in 100 years. What's the rush?

Other certainties: death, taxes, and bingo. (And that "I think I'm in love ... with a phone!" commercial.)

NOTE: Tampa Bay. Holy hell.

"J.D. is physically doing pretty well," Boston manager Terry Francona said. "I know normally you get to this time of year and you send eight or nine guys out there and just stay with it. I don't know that, the way we're built right now, that's the best way to do it."

Considering that tonight isn't a must-win for Boston, it's not really a risky move. It is, however, do or die for the Angels who face elimination tonight.

The White Sox were enjoying a 5-1 lead, but those pesky Rays have scored a couple of runs to keep themselves in contention. A win by Tampa Bay today puts them in the ALCS against the winner of the Boston/LA series and sends the White Sox home to play golf with their city brethren, the Cubs.

It's been a busy weekend and you all have been wonderful as usual. Thanks for sticking around and I'll see you in a few weeks. There isn't a live blog tonight, so consider this your open thread. Enjoy!

Javier Vasquez proved once again he's a big game pitcher by lasting 4.1 innings and giving up 6 runs. Any chance Ozzie Guillen gives him a hug afterwards?

But the Rays are up 1-0. Game 2 tomorrow at 6:05. Maybe Lil' Wayne knows what he's talking about?

Chi Sox/Rays [Yahoo!]

Aggregate score in those 10 games: 73-28.

Twenty-two years ago, the Angels held a 3-1 series lead and were ahead 5-4 with two out in the top of the ninth of Game 5 at the Big A. Closer Moore was summoned to pitch to Henderson, who hit a two-run homer to left, with Boston going on to win the game in extra innings. The series returned to Boston and the Sox won both to advance to the World Series.

Moore, inconsolable following the game, subsequently committed suicide in 1989, although the reasons for that have less to do with baseball than many people imagine. Still, a curse is a curse (see: Cubs, Chicago), and this one seems to be flourishing.

Bay's two-out, two-run homer off John Lackey in the sixth was the big blow; Bay's first post-season homer, which really didn't have to be said seeing that he previously played for the Pirates. That super terrific happy catch pictured above is by Jacoby Ellsbury, who snared Mark Teixeira’s sinking fly to center in the eighth. Wizard Cat gives this play: Five wands.

Of course, no sooner had Bay hit the go-ahead homer than Chip Caray, the TBS lead announcer, said "Manny who?" Seriously, Chip?

The Red Sox tied a major league record for consecutive postseason wins over the same opponent, a mark Oakland set against the Red Sox from 1988-03.

The fun continues Friday night in Game 2, with Ervin Santana going for Los Angeles against Boston’s Daisuke Matsuzaka.

Red Sox Beat Angels In Game 1 [Los Angeles Times]

Series Schedule
Game 1: Thursday, October 2, 2:30 p.m. Chicago (Vazquez) at Tampa Bay (Shields).
Game 2: Friday, October 3, 6 p.m. Chicago (Buerhle) at Tampa Bay (Kazmir).
Game 3: Sunday, October 5, TBA. Tampa Bay (Sonnanstine) at Chicago (Danks).
Game 4 (if necessary): Monday, October 6, TBA. Tampa Bay at Chicago
Game 5 (if necessary): Wednesday, October 8, TBA. Chicago at Tampa Bay.

SEVEN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE RAYS-WHITE SOX SERIES

1. It's Nice That Carl Can Make It. For years, the only reason anyone has even noticed Tampa Bay has been when someone in your fantasy league drafted Carl Crawford in the first round. (Doing this has never, ever led to a league championship.) Now that the Rays are actually in the playoffs — Tampa Bay! In the playoffs! Holy crap! — it would be a shame if Crawford weren't back in time from his hand injury. But good gnus! He's on the playoff roster and is expected to start Game 1 Thursday. After six fruitless years at the Trop, he's certainly earned this.

2. That's Not Griffey, Not Really. Hey: I love Ken Griffey, you love Ken Griffey, everybody loves Ken Griffey. (Particularly when he gives hecklers jock straps.) But, despite his barely-made-it assist at home plate Tuesday night, this is not the Ken Griffey we have known. Because he doesn't take steroids, Griffey is aging like a normal person, and he hit .249 this year with just 18 homers. (Three with the White Sox in 131 at-bats.) He posted his worst slugging percentage since his rookie year, when he was 19 years old. It's still nice seeing him here, though; it's his first postseason game since 1997, and he has never reached a World Series.

3. OZZIE. Pretty much every Ozzie Guillen moment is brilliantly entertaining, but, as you might expect, I still love the Jay Mariotti feud. Guillen famously called Mariotti a "fag," and, somehow, in this day and age, Mariotti ended up being the one people hated more afterwards. (It is Mariotti, after all.) My favorite parts? 1. When Guillen's hairdresser came out to defend him as not anti-gay. 2. Guillen's "apology:" "If I hurt anybody with what I called him, I apologize, but I wasn't talking about those people. I was talking strictly about [Mariotti]. I will apologize to the people I offended because I should have used another word. Besides that, I'm still waiting for Jay. Why he's so afraid to show up to the ballpark? When you're afraid to do something, you feel guilty about something. Then tell him we'll pay his cab. Tell him to tell us where he lives, and we'll bring him to the ballpark and we'll have a conversation. But that's the way he is. He's garbage, still garbage, going to die as garbage. Period."

4. Seriously, Now: The Rays Have No Fans. It's impressive, and worthy of lauds, that the Rays have sold out their playoff games. But let's be straight here: The Rays, as nice a story as they are, still don't have very many fans. Despite the most exciting season in team history (by far) and a team that's relentlessly fun to watch, the Rays finished 26th in attendance, behind Cincinnati, Toronto and Washington. They averaged 22,259 fans a game, which is almost as many people as the Dean Smith Center holds. Everybody's happy for the theoretical Rays fan who has loyally supported the team for years and is finally being rewarded. If that person exists. Because I don't know of one. And I suspect you don't either.

5. They Have A Sweet Team President Though. It was only a year and a half ago that blogger Matthew Stiles auctioned off his team loyalty on eBay. The bidding reached $535, and the winner was ... Rays president Matthew Silverman. Seriously: He actually bought himself a fan. I have to say, Silverman definitely deserves this year to have happened.

6. THIS IS JI
JIM THOME. If you haven't been introduced to the brilliance of Jim Thome on The Dugout, god, get yourself over there, immediately. My favorite is still the one where Thome shows up on "Oprah."

7. The Devil Rays Are In The Playoffs. Seriously, guys: THE TAMPA BAY RAYS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS. They even have home field advantage! They beat the Red Sox and the Yankees. The brain melts.

PREDICTION
Oh, man, do I ever believe. And hey, Mets fans, look ... it's Kazmir! At least he gets to pitch in the playoffs. Rays in four.

Series Schedule
Game 1: Wednesday, October 1, 10 p.m. ET. Boston (Lester) at Anaheim (Lackey).
Game 2: Friday, October 3, 9:30 p.m. Boston (Matsuzaka) at Anaheim (Garland E. Santana).
Game 3: Sunday, October 5, Time TBA. Anaheim (Saunders) at Boston (Beckett).
Game 4 (if necessary): Monday, October 6,TBA . Anaheim at Boston.
Game 5 (if necessary): Wednesday, October 8, TBA. Boston at Anaheim.

SEVEN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE ANGELS-RED SOX SERIES

1. The One Team The Angels Didn't Want To Play. Since the Angels won the World Series in 2002 — you might remember, there was a monkey involved — they have gone 2-9 in the postseason. (This is what happens when you no longer put all your faith in Scott Spiezio and Adam Kennedy.) That includes an 0-6 mark against the Red Sox, who have swept past the Halos (which should be the team's real nickname) en route to their two recent World Series titles. Last year they scored four runs in three games.

(CORRECTION: A reader writes: "The Angels aren't 2-9 since 2002. They won the ALDS vs. the Yankees in 2005 before losing to the White Sox in the ALCS.." Oh yeah! Well, uh, my point still stands, kind of.)

2. Worry About Lackey. Lackey has struggled in the second half and is coming off a shellacking against Texas over the weekend. He has two wins over the Red Sox this year, but everyone on the Angels dominated the Red Sox during the regular season. This is smoothed over somewhat by the mysterious injury to Josh Beckett, which seems to have happened out of nowhere. The Red Sox are either being weirdly secretive or don't know any better than any of us do. Already, Beckett's not getting the two starts he would have. But Lackey is, for better or worse.

3. This Series Is Going To Take Forever. The Angels, because they had the best record in the AL, chose this playoff schedule, which gives teams a potential three days off in a five-game playoff series. This means that by the time Game 5 comes around (if there is a Game 5, of course), you will barely remember what happened in Game 1. Oh, and each of these games is running four hours, at least. And the first two are starting deep into the evening, East Coast time. Red Sox fans, you better work your ass off the first few days of this week, because you're not getting anything done Thursday.

4. You'll Hear More About Manny Than You Will About Bay. Jason Bay has hit the crap out of the ball since coming over from Pittsburgh — and he's Canadian — but because this is the postseason, every broadcaster is going to remain obsessed with the alleged "psychic void" left by Manny Ramirez's departure. (And by "departure," I mean, "asshole power move made exclusively for financial gain, a somewhat dubious strategy anyway.") And it will seem strange to see October baseball in Boston without Manny playing. But let's be clear here: The Red Sox are unlikely to miss him, and their fans, even less so. Plus, Bay's Canadian.

5. The Angels Drive Sabermetricians Nuts. Every year the Angels finish ahead of the A's in the American League West, a little part of Rob Neyer dies. The Angels put out a lineup of low-power free swingers, spend money in dubious ways and love the stolen base. Yet, somehow, they keep winning. One gets the feeling that when the Angels finally get too old and bloated, the implosion will happen immediately and last a while ... but that time's not here yet. Plus, everybody loves Mark Teixeira, and you have to admire any team that's 15 games ahead and still trades for the hottest property in baseball. But anything less than a World Series is an Orange County disaster.

6. That Said, The Angels Aren't As Good As You (And They) Think. Yes, he's another sabermetrician, but I can't put it any better than Ron Shandler: "Their batters' inability to consistently work counts is their most glaring weakness, leaving their run production reliant on luck — good or bad — on hits from balls put into play." The Angels won 100 games, but they've never felt like a Mariners in '01 dominant team. They just seemed that way because the rest of their division is so feeble. And as steady as their starters are, they're just the type of staff that the patient Red Sox hitters feed off. If the Angels don't win Game 1, you can imagine the fear creeping in.

7. Those Nostrils. How is it, exactly, that Jonathan Papelbon can be a totally freakshow goofball in every fashion except for when he stands on the mound in October, in HD, looking like the most terrifying person on earth? (It has to be the closeup.) Despite Francisco Rodriguez's save record, Papelbon's a far steadier presence as a closer. The question is whether the Red Sox can get the game to him; they sure would love to have Scot Shields.

PREDICTION
Sorry, I'm a sucker for a hot sabermetrician, even with a gimpy Beckett: Red Sox in 4.

For all the talk about Joe Torre and Alex Rodriguez and Chien-Ming Wang, the reason the Yankees lost this series is because the Indians were amazing with runners in scoring position and had three outstanding starting pitchers. In retrospect, it seems odd that everyone assumed Paul Byrd was going to get hammered last night; we know wins are a counting stat, but you still don't win 15 games by being totally incompetent. Cleveland had as good a series as you could hope a team to have; the surprise, perhaps, is not to that the Yankees lost, but that the Yankees pushed it to four games.

So the Indians move on, and we are all saved the Drama To End All Dramas that is a Red Sox-Yankees ALCS. For that, Cleveland, we suppose we must thank you.

Torre's Run [Fair And Foul]

We're not gonna live blog this game tonight, because we're not sure anyone could top Sussman's effort last week. (Oh, and he was busy.) But Indians fans, who certainly have been as tortured as anybody else's in baseball, have to be a little concerned about trotting out Paul Byrd tonight, even if he's facing a short-rested Chien-Ming Wang.

We're still waiting for A-Rod to become a major part of this series. Could be tonight, so cue the purple lipstick.

Random Thoughts Before Game 4 [The LoHud Yankees Blog]

It's not the first time Clemens has walked off the postseason stage while struggling because of "injury." In fact, it's becoming a downright pattern.

1990 ALCS Game Four. Clemens, already allowing a run in the second inning, allows two more base runners. The second on a walk. With Mike Gallego at the plate, Roger starts swearing at the home plate umpire. He gets ejected (supposedly in a trancelike state). The inherited runners score. Boston gets swept.

1999 ALCS Game Two. Boston fans don't know that General Manager Dan Duquette thought him finished. So when he comes back, he gets the Darryl Strawberry treatment. He gives up five in the first. Lasts 2 and 1/3 innings claiming a bad back. The Yankees lose their only postseason game 13-1.

We know Clemens is a 45-year-old man, and that often makes one, you know, a bit more susceptible to injury. But Clemens does have a habit of taking his ball and going home. He might stay there this time.

Roger Clemens Has No Heart [Cake Rocks The Party]

As we mentioned earlier, we're just glad we have a series to watch now, and we suspect staring Chien-Ming Wang tonight on three days' rest is the right move, using that old "sinkerballers are better when they're tired" maxim that makes theoretical sense, we guess. (Honestly, we don't see how a pitcher can ever be better when they're tired.)

So, let's look at A-Rod, shall we? He's only had one signature moment this series, and it was a strikeout. He had two hits yesterday and started to look like a guy who was coming out of a postseason funk. If he's gonna do it, now's probably the time. That is, if he or Joe Torre even wants to come back next year.

Won Yesterday [Bronx Banter]
Sweepless Night [New York Times]

We always remember, like many, but for different reasons, the 2004 World Series, in which our Cardinals seemed like they were behind 3-0 at the beginning of every game. Some series turn out like that; that series, like the Cubs, Angels and Phillies fans the last week, provided not a single moment of legitimate cheer. All the excitement of reaching the postseason, and it's over with not even a drop of drama. It's probably best to try to forget it happened, or at least remember it in the playoffs next year. If you're there.

We're pleased not every series turned out a sweep; we're having too much fun to take off that many nights from baseball.

(Getty Images Photo)

ALDS Game 3 - Curt Schilling takes the ball for the Red Sox today at 3 pm as they look to complete their sweep of the Angels. Don't ask me why the game being played in LA is leading off the TBS doubleheader, that's just the way it is. If the boys from Anaheim are going to keep this series going they'll need a big game out of young Jered Weaver. I don't know about the rest of you, but I usually just root for the divisional round to end as rapidly as possible.

ALDS Game 3 pt. deux If any of the potential sweep victims had a reasonable chance to get back in their series it's probably the Yankees. Finally they'll be up against a mere mortal in Jake Westbrook. After two games against the best pitchers in the American League that's gotta be a relief. The Yankees will send Roger Clemens to the mound for the 6 pm start from the Bronx.

Update: The Yankees better win, otherwise Steinbrenner's going to kick Torre's ass out into the cold.

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Bottom 11th

Goodnight, Rivera. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, mush. Hello, Luis Vizcaino. He walks Kenny Lofton, who reaches for the fourth time tonight. (Oh, and the Red Sox lead 2-0 in the other game, if you care.) Gutierrez fails to lay down the bunt in his first two attempts. Who needs to sacrifice? Gutierrez singles through the left side of the infield.

And up comes Torgo. (By the way, if you don't have a damn clue what I'm talking about, it's a character from "Manos: Hands of Fate." See for yourself, and tell me the guy who just bunted up Gutierrez and Lofton up a base each doesn't look like Torgo.) Sizemore is purposely walked, and with one out, Asdrubal Cabrera wants to be a hero. The infield's in. The outfield's in. Craig Sager's jacket is ... no it's not.

The count's 2-2. Could he be walked in? Why, no. Cabrera pops out. That's the exact opposite of the intended result.

It's up to Hafner now. The count's 2-1 ... 2-2 ... 3-2 ... BASE HIT TO RIGHT CENTER! But, to be fair, that wasn't A-Rod's fault. He couldn't have possibly caught that.

So, now that the game's over, I don't have to continue the live blog anymore, but I do want to share one more ...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JASON GIAMBI! His hair contains so much oil, four Middle Eastern countries lay claim to it, and some progressive Kuwaiti mullahs actually pray nightly in the direction of his scalp.

Thanks, everyone, for following along and keeping the comments sweet, sultry, and sassy.

Top 11th

Perez is now in his second inning, with Melky Cabrera stepping up to bat. He flies out to Gutierrez. Which reminds me, the insects seem to be less aggravating in the extra innings. Even they were finally informed THERE'S ONLY ONE ... OC-TOHHHH-BRRR! The burly, surly Shelley Duncan is now batting in lieu of Mientkiewicz. He's not too fast, and I know that only because Peralta threw him out on a grounder to him. Damon just can't check his swing, and Perez chips in with two solid innings in extras.

Bottom 10th

The Angels and Red Sox are playing on TNT. Feel free to turn to that game, Massachusetts, if you hate singing, laughing children. Oh, and the Associated Press has already released a story on the insects that descended on Jacobs Field. Savor the bug humor now, Deadspinions, because when metro newspaper headline writers get in on the fun, the innovation of the schtick is officially finished.

Rivera's still pitching, and Sizemore comes up. All right, I know exactly what Bob Brenly meant when he said that Rivera's cut-fastball has that "boring action," but ... sheesh, Bob. Just ... well, I liked your managerial tactics in the 2001 World Series. That's all I'll say. Sizemore fouls it off, and ... no, he missed it completely! He's running to first, and Posada's throw to Mientkiewicz, and since the first baseman isn't Manute Bol, it goes over his head and Sizemore's on base. Again.

Wild guess here, folks, but he won't score this inning.

Cabrera lays down a sac bunt, and the Indians have a runner on second with just one out. Hafner visualizes his minor league manager chewing into a boar's leg, and he pulls the ball to the right side of the infield, advancing Sizemore to third base. They're just givin' first base to Martinez. Rivera wants Garko, if ya know what I mean. And I mean, he wants to pitch to Ryan Garko instead of Victor Martinez. That's what I meant, clearly. And he ... wow, that ball hit him. He didn't even budge. Rivera doesn't like the fact that he didn't try to get out of the way. Now, if it were me batting? I'd have gotten out of the way if the ball came within a three-foot radius of my body. Guess that was my problem playing baseball growing up.

But Rivera strikes out Peralta, and that's what you call leaving 'em loaded. I'm shocked — SHOCKED — that the Indians left runners on base.

Top 10th

So Fausto Carmona ends with the best damn no-decision we've seen in the postseason. He allowed just six baserunners and struck out five. If anyone outside of Elias kept track of "groundouts to the pitcher," Carmona might have set a postseason record. But enough about him. He's in the past. Rafael Perez is your new pitcher. He forces Matsui to pop out near the pitcher's mound, and Blake catches it. Posada gets a good swing on a pitch, but it dies in the warning track in Gutierrez's glove, and with it, all his hopes and dreams. Cano also pops to short, and something tells me this livebloggery will last a while. Unless ... wait, Kyle Farnsworth is in the Yankees' bullpen, right? Good.

Bottom 9th

And here comes Mariano Rivera. So, extra innings then. Kenny Lofton flies to center, which is odd because some flies were already in center. I hope Melky wasn't confused. Gutierrez can't touch Rivera's pitches either, and Blake puts another ball into center field for Melky to catch. Yep. More baseball.

Top 9th

As Kenny Lofton calls for the clubhouse eyewash boy, Craig Sager unravels the mystery of the bug invasion. It's warm, and Cleveland is near a big lake. I had no idea!

Damon would have fit in with this swamp-like territory had he still possessed his Bostonian beard. But instead, with his metrosexual look, he harmlessly grounds out. Jeter has no luck either against Carmona, who then turns around and violently shakes off seven ticks from his nape. Abreu grounds to shortstop, but Peralta lollygags a little on the catch-throw and Abreu beats it out for an infield single.

The crowd is starting to get into it. You can hear them chanting during Carmona as he faces Alex Rodriguez: "Bzzzt bzzt bzzt-bzzt! [clap clap clapclapclap] Bzzzt bzzt bzzt-bzzt! [clap clap clapclapclap]" Which means it's time for a ...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: ALEX RODRIGUEZ! Growing up, when his parents moved to a new town, Rodriguez got a paper route during the summer. The neighborhood never quite warmed up to him, especially one day in 1985, when Rodriguez crashed his bike into a breakdancer, a remote control car, a construction worker, a stray tire, the Grim Reaper, a lady with a rolling pin, a doghouse, and a tornado. The neighborhood also gave him shit because, after his route was over, he could never complete the obstacle course.

Abreu steals second on the 1-2 pitch to A-Rod. That guy has flat-out earned his two bases with hustle and grit. Evidently TBS has not yet developed the technology for a second base leadoff graphic. Rodriguez is fouling off pitch after pitch. He's still in there. Jesus. And there's Carmona's sinker, which gets by A-Rod for the third out. But, again, you can't blame him. Yankees fans will predictably blow this two-out-with-RISP strikeout in the ninth way out of proportion.

Bottom 8th

Chamberlain is still in the game, and the flies are starting to gather in swarms. Hey, you'll have that when the concession stands sell Pig Head On A Stick.

Happenings begin with a walk to Sizemore. UNNECESSARY ZOOM ON CHAMBERLAIN'S NECK! WHOAAAA! The ball ricochets off 15 gnats, then Posada's mitt, then a nightcrawler, and Sizemore takes second. As Cabrera bunteth, Sizemore moves up 90 feet. Chamberlain is now adorning a beard of bees. I guess we know who's been eating Honey Nut Cheerios between innings. Hafner sends a line drive right, I mean RIGHT, at Malphabet at first base. That's two outs.

Martinez needs a base hit to tie this.... just kidding. Chamberlain's second wild pitch of the game allows Sizemore to score. hey, know what other phenom once caught the wild pitch bug in the postseason and never recovered? And Martinez gets dinged in the shin with by a pitch. In all fairness, I too would be distracted if cockteasing ladybugs started whispering sweet nothings into both of my ears.

Chamberlain's pitches keep zinging off gypsy moths and out of the strike zone, and Garko earns himself a walk. The Yankees clearly don't want Chamberlain in there anymore, but they had nobody ready to send to the mound. Luis Vizcaino begins to warm up. The insects are still furiously looking for Homer's pile of sugar.

Chamberlain finally learns how to throw through moving antennae and rings up Peralta. Jesus Citronella Christ, that was a hell of a half-inning.

Top 8th

Carmona outlasts Pettitte, as if that means anything. He's still going strong. Cano grounds back to the pitcher, then Melkhior does almost the same exact thing. Mientkeiwicz calls time at the plate to ... apparently pull a flea out from underneath his helmet. He grounds to second. The Yankees only have two hits tonight, and seven for the series. Puzzling.

Bottom 7th

Garko falls behind 0-2, then pops out to Mientkiewicz, who just barely had enough room in foul territory for that ball TBS displays the game summary to the tune of the theme from "Major League." Note to self: find that song on iTunes, if possible. Ten-Finger Jhonny blasts a ball to center, and it hits the corner of that left-center field wall. That's a double, but was frighteningly close to tying this thing up. The vintage 1995 edition of Kenny Lofton steps up. He walks on four straight, and Joba Chamberlain, we're told, is murmuring in the bullpen. I guess that's Pettitte's last batter of the night, and here comes Chamberlain. I can only think of one logical action here. That's right it's a ...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JOBA CHAMBERLAIN! Born in 1985, this year's Joel Zumaya is actually reincarnation of the singing career of the Indonesian one-hit wonder Taco Ockerse.

He faces Gutierrez, and promptly strikes him out. He ends the threat as Blake flies out to right. This Chamberlain kid ... I think you'll hear about him someday.

Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of A Little Kid Getting Hurt

Top 7th

The pitching competition continues. Abreu hits a ball to second, but Asdrubal Cabrera as drubal getting the handle on that one, and Abreu is safe at first. And look who's up. It's that one guy. Alex Somethingorother. He strikes out. He's 0-for-ALCS thus far. The Tribe can't turn two on that ground ball courtesy of Matsui. Draining the knee must've jettisoned the excess weight. Posada smashes a line drive to center, but Sizemore leaps toward the falling ball and catches it. Very pretty catch. In no way is Sizemore uncomfortable being called pretty.

Bottom 6th

Sizemore no longer has the burden of stranding a runner if he doesn't get a hit, but ... oh hell, there he goes. A triple into the corner. That would have scored Lofton. Cabrera slaps the ball back to the pitcher, and Sizemore can't advance on that. One out, and with the next batter, that brings up another...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: TRAVIS HAFNER! Coming up through the minor leagues, Hafner knew little English. This is not uncommon — many Latin American baseball players did not know English well. But as a North Dakotan, Hafner was different. He knew no verbal language whatsoever. So in his 1998 season with the Single-A Savannah Sand Gnats, manager Paul Carey devised a specialized set of signals just for Hafner when he stepped to the plate. If he bit into a boar's leg, it meant "pull the ball to right field." When he bit into a deer heart, it meant, "pull the ball to right-center field," When he bit into an ostrich thigh, it meant "just try to make contact." As you can guess, Savannah did not have a lot of ostriches.

TBS flashes a clutchy stat: The Indians were 5-for-8 last night with RISP, and tonight they're 1-for-8. Er, 1-for-9. Hafner swings and misses on strike three. What's our vector, Victor? Make that 1-for-10, as Sizemore's triple dies in vain in the box score with Martinez's strikeout.

Top 6th

Mientkeiwicz starts us off with a ground ball to Garko, prompting a slow, Caucasian race to first. Garko wins. Damon can only muster a nubbly little grounder back to Carmona. Yes, I said nubbly. I'm making up words and I'm not even drugged. Although I did eat Thai food yesterday.

As Jeter grounds out to Peralta, the inning ends, and — oh, the jocularity! — a squirrel is somewhere on the field and picks up a peanut. Will he escape the clutches of the security guard! Find out in our next episode, "Rocky Relief Appearance!" Or, "Take Me Out Of The Ballgame!"

Bottom 5th

So, Kenny Lofton's just gonna keep doing this, isn't he? His ground ball goes right by Mientkiewicz' glove into right field for his second hit of the game. He's 5-for-6 in the series. Pettitte continues to try and pick Lofton off, because "the batter can also be fooled." What are they saying? Pettitte is hoping Michaels will swing at a pickoff attempt? Michaels isn't fooled at all and bunts Lofton over.

I love it when fans boo the opposing pitcher for fake, or even attempted, pickoff throws. "How dare you try to hold the runner! The nerve of you denying our runner the chance to have a 15-foot lead!" He's eyeing Lofton behind him at second. Maybe he'll send him a note during study hall. No, Casey Blake, you can't move him over with that fly ball to left.

Brenly remarks that Rodriguez is playing far off third base because "Sizemore is looking for something he can jerk." I see. Well, he doesn't get a chance to score Lofton, or even leave him stranded, because Lofton takes off for third prematurely and gets tagged out.

Top 5th

I've got a snazzy feeling that this game is already better than last night's game, even though the score is 1-0. Looks like I finally know what it feels like to enjoy a soccer game.

Posada — I tell ya, this guy over the last decade has been the Yankees' most underrated ... whoops, TBS already covered this a couple innings ago — draws a walk. "Sometimes the best time to hit and run is with a slow player," Brenly and/or Tony Gwynn remark. Well, that would have broken up the double play that Cano just hit into. And Cabrera grounds to Cabrera. Try to guess which one is which.

Monopoly is back at McDonald's! Which is amazing, because Monopoly returns to McDonald's only as often as Roger Clemens comes out of retirement.

Bottom 4th

Oxymoronic leadoff hitter Travis Hafner gets on base with a line drive to center. Victor Martinez needs a good nickname. If his was like everyone else, it'd probably be "V-Mart," which just sounds like a great name for a wholesale sex toy shop. So that won't be it. He grounds up the middle, which catches Pettitte's mitt and trickes to Cano. Hafner stops, and rather than running him down, Cano throws to first and gets the "easy out." The camera pans the crowd and catches part of what looked like a Ryan Garko sign, done in the spirit of the Geico gecko. ABC now wants to make a Ryan Garko sit-com, even after his ground ball to short that doesn't advance Hafner in any way.

Peralta can't find Pettitte's 3-2 pitch anywhere. Did he look behind the couch?

Top 4th

Jeter begins the inning with a single to center, but I can't imagine anyone will read too much into it. Abreu zings a ground ball to Garko at first base, who handles it and Jeter advances. Rodriguez is batting now, and can you just imagine the depth of clutchiness in the air if A-Rod were to bat in Jeter right now? It'd be beyond anything. But Rodriguez strikes out on that sinker. To be fair, it wasn't his fault. Oh, Christ, Chip Caray was practically saying what I just said there, only he was serious. "They haven't seen a lot of Carmona." Really? He's the only pitcher in the league who throws a sinkerball?

Matsui hits a chopper to Garko, and can't beat the first baseman to first. Try draining the other knee.

Bottom 3rd

And here comes Jason Michaels. And you know that what means? Why yes, it's time for another...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JASON MICHAELS! Most Cleveland fans know him as the guy acquired during the Coco Crisp Giveaway. First, he was traded to the Phillies straight up for Arthur Rhodes, then came the blockbuster Crisp trade. But before he was an outfielder for the Indians or Phillies, he was the lead singer for 80s hair band Poison.

Michaels doubles past his rightfieldian counterpart Abreu for a double. Casey "Torgo" Blake grounds out and advances Michaels to third. Master will be moderately impressed. Sizemore has a great RBI chance here, but ... well, that didn't do it. He grounds to Mientkiewicz, who cunningly runs toward Sizemore and tags him out, checking Michaels back to third. If you're not listening closely, Bob Brenly speaking can sound a like lot John Kruk. And Pettitte freezes Asdrubal Cabrera for strike three.

Top 3rd

Robinson Cano's grounder nearly clotheslines Cabrera at second, if you can imagine the ball being a line of horizontal dental floss, but he handles it and throws out Cano. And then the wise man known as Melkhior drills a solo home run to right. And because I'm a man who has his finger on the pulse, I'm just finding out now about Doug Mientkiewicz running into a photographer yesterday. He flies out to center. (Mientkiewicz. Not the photographer — he's more of a pull hitter.) Damon rounds out the inning with a cute widdle grounder back to that guy who threw it at him in the first place. Circle of life.

Bottom 2nd

Victor Martinez. Yes, he's going to be a great offensive catcher throughout his career. Fitting that they used the future tense, because Martinez just fouled out about 10 feet away from home plate. Queen Latifah is at the game, but while she likes Cleveland and is a Yankees fan, she's wearing pink for Breast Cancer Awareness month. So ... she's rooting for breast cancer? Thanks, Queen Latifah. You made me miss however Ryan Garko made an out. I think he grounded out. Peralta takes ball four, breaking up Pettitte's no-walker. As Kenny Lofton advances to the plate, five posterboards in succession read: "SORRY LEBRON, KENNY IS KING" In the entire history of monarchies, has there ever been a presiding king that went by Kenny? Absolutely not. Doubtful also for emperors, but perhaps pharaoh who just didn't give a shit anymore.

Czar Kenny swings and fouls a pitch ashis bat slipped in the direction of Pettitte on the mound. Yes ... "slipped." And now Jhonny Peralta steals second. When you use Mario Kart arrows, bases are easy to steal for anyone. Lofton singles to center, but Damon's Melky Cabrera's laser-rocket-beam-missile throw beats Peralta to the plate. You might recall Lofton's single with RISP yesterday in the first inning also resulted in Peralta being tagged out. You might not. I don't know you that well, to be honest.

Top 2nd

Right away, Alex Rodriguez pops to second. So in retrospect, TBS, did he really deserve his own brief video montage just then? Chip Caray discusses Hideki Matsui's drained knee. That kind of stuff always gives me the creeps. And he draws a walk. (Matsui. Not Caray. Chip Caray swings at everything.) Matsui stands proudly on the graphic of the leadoff distance arrows, which remind me of Super Mario Kart. If Matsui is left stranded on base, might I suggest placing a fake item box between first and second? That'll teach some unsuspecting Cleveland Indian to stretch the inevitable single into a double.

Posada grounds into a double play. In my mind, Carmona's still got the perfect game going on, but outside of my own reality he just has a PSYCH-PSYCHER through two innings.

Bottom 1st

I've got this feeling that Andy Pettitte might just throw a perfect game tod... oops, jinx. Grady Sizemore singles to center. But wait! Asdrubal Cabrera grounds into a double play, and Pettitte follows that up by striking out Travis Hafner looking. So how come that's technically not a "perfect inning?" Three batters came to the plate and they were all called out at some point in the inning. Ya know, I'm just gonna go with it. Pettitte is perfect through one.

Top 1st

With the sun running away from Cleveland, the outfield is segregated between light and dark. That means the horizon line is actually the River Styx. Johnny Damon flies out harmlessly to left field. Derek Jeter does worse by striking out on Carmona's patented sinkyball. (Patent pending.) Bobby Abreu completes the obedience trifecta with a tee-ball grounder back to Carmona.

Pregame

So, here's to hoping this game doesn't get decided in the fifth inning. A New York win, a Cleveland win — just PLEASE let the decisive blow be struck in the eighth or ninth inning.

Cleveland's the favorite here, and it seems like everyone's going up 2-0 in series these days. Although the Yankees aren't a team who traditionally loses in the playoffs. In fact, to find their last divisional series loss, you have to go back all the way to last year. And before that, 2005. So, first round exits are few and far between.

Maybe they should have just politely declined the wild card after all.

The Yankees were thoroughly dominated last night, and, for once, they can't really blame it on A-Rod. Chien-Ming Wang was terrible, and the Indians are not a team you can be terrible against. Even if you do have LeBron James rooting for you. Kind of.

The New York Post was in rare form this morning, with "YANKEES SCALPED," "INDIANS MASSACRE BOMBERS" and, our favorite, "Chien-Ming Gong." (We're not even sure what that one means.) We don't think there's much reason to panic just yet; of all the teams behind in all of the series, we think the Yankees are in the best shape. Hopefully New Yorkers will be out of work in time to cheer them on today.

Goats [Replacement Level Yankees Weblog]
Tribe Takes Game 1 Vs. Yankees [Halftime Adjustments]

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Top 9th

Hopefully this game doesn't last much longer... well, forget that dream. Here comes Rafael Betancourt. Although he did ring up Cano on three pitches. Pray to god Melky doesn't foul pitches off in a full count.

Ya know what? This thing's almost over, and I had a blast until the game became a blowout, so let's end on a high note by sharing ... One! More!

Fun, Fallible Fact About: RAFAEL BETANCOURT! It's no secret he takes his sweet time between pitches. But why? Well, after he accepts the sign from the catcher, Betancourt will often engage in a staring contest with the radar gun.

Chip Caray's euphemism for Betancourt: he's "deliberate." Yeah. Deliberately dragging it on. And just as I feared, this at-bat is taking forever. Joba Chamberlain is already eligible for Medicaid. And FINALLY, a foul ball stays in play for Lofton to catch it. One more out.

Jeremy Giambi's lesser known brother Jason pinch hits for Shelley Duncan. And he hits right through the shift. He apologized profusely for "that single." Another excruciatingly long at-bat, this time by Johnny Damon ends with a lineout to center field.

Well, I'll say this. The first half of the game was amazing. Thanks for playing along, comrades.

Bottom 8th

Hughes is still throwin' bullets out there, and Hafner flies out to deep center. A triple short of the cycle, the announcing team debate how a Victor Martinez ball could carom off the wall in order for the slow-footed catcher to collect the first ever postseason triple. Yep, you'd have to hit it into a Rube Goldberg machine to keep it away from the outfielders long enough. But forget that silly hypothetical: he flies out to left. As the Cubs-Diamondbacks game starts up in a distant universe, Ryan Garko become the jillionth Indian to hit a solo home run to right field. With 12 runs tonight, the baseball universe will certainly equalize the Indians tomorrow with — let's see, Andy Pettitte's pitching, so — only 8 runs. And Peralta almost gives them their 13th run, but he was a few fathoms short.

Top 8th

And Jensen Lewis shows up to the pitching party, and he gets Alex Rodriguez to "pflyout" to second. With the next batter brings us one more...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: JORGE POSADA! You may remember when Posada disabled a FOX "Diamond Cam" embedded in front of home plate in the 2004 ALCS. Posada felt the camera was pervasive and could get in the way of the game. Posada's uncle, former A's outfielder Leo Posada, felt the same way about cameras and regulary took the same proactive actions, which is why his colonoscopy went so poorly.

He flies out to left. Then Lewis strikes out Matsui for the third out, much to the speechlessness of the TBS announcing team. Although I wouldn't rule out that they're napping underneath the desk.

Bottom 7th

Phil Hughes is the next sacrificial lamb, and when he tells his grandkids about his first postseason major league game, he can tell them how he struck out Casey Blake. His grandchildren will be unimpressed. He then gets Sizemore and Cabrera out, and I can't remember the last time the Yanks pitched a 1-2-3 inning — it's entirely possible there were none until now — but I'm with the two-headed analyst monster I call "Gwynly." Phil Hughes is officially broken into the postseason. That might play a factor in a future game.

And Now For A Brief Seventh Inning Stretch Video Of An Elephant Burping In A Kid's Face:

Top 7th

Even with an eight-run cushion, Perez isn't budging. Damon strikes out, and Jeter finally gets a good swing on a pitch, but Gutierrez slides for the catch. Then Perez freezes Abreu on a curveball. Froemming's arm mechanic was about 20 percent Enrico Pallazzo just then.

Wow. Jeter, Rodriguez, and Posada are a combined 0-for-7, but then again any aggregate average can look bad when you cherry pick out of a lineup. Nobody will say that Damon, Abreu, Cano, and Duncan are a combined 4-for-9. How I pity them.

Bottom 6th

TBS is really giving it to LeBron James for wearing a Yankees hat. I can't believe a homegrown superstar is rooting for a team far, far away from him! Has he no local pride! [adjusts Diamondbacks hat]

Ross Ohlendorfersteinerlington is still in there, who retires Asdrubal Cabrera on a groundout. Hafner gets ahold of a pitch, and it sails into the gap ... check that, it's over the wall. One point for Cleveland. Martinez doubles to left, and this young pitcher is 95 percent crestfallen.

Chip Caray: "Is that something that's overrated? Postseason experience?" That sure was a nice thing to ask the championship-free Tony Gwynn.

Peralta gronds out to Jeter in one of the most half-assed forceouts I've ever seen go between Jeter and Rodriguez. I know the lead's big, but do you guys still care? Lofton still cares. He brings in yet another run with a double to right-center. What a night for Lofton! And in the next commercial, we're told rumors that he was traded somewhere. Looks like Mark Shapiro is already rebuilding for 2013.

Torre replaces Ohlendorfersteinerlingtonski, which is good, because you and I both were getting sick of me appending that name. Welcome to the mound, Jose Veras. He induces (do the kids still use that word? "induces?") Gutierrez into a popfoulflyout. No more runs this inning.

Top 6th

I'm all for Sonic, but that meat/bacon/cheeseonion thing in a bun? It looks like they invented a new menu item by scraping whatever's left in the fryer. Stick to burgers and tots, Sonic. Better yet, but a goddamn location within two hours of Toledo.

I didn't think Sabathia wouldn't make it to the seventh, but with a six-run lead, it makes perfect sense to let him watch The Office on DVR in the clubhouse. Rafael Perez is now pitching to Cano.

I was trying to find out what Melky is short for, but it turns out that his full first name. This is just like the time in seventh grade when my friend Val told me that his name wasn't short for anything. The shit it's not. It's only three letters. Is it Valerie? You can be honest, I won't make fun of you. Okay, I will, but still. Lord Melkington strikes out, then Shelley Duncan — how the hell does a midseason callup get such a low number like 17? — follows suit, whiffing at a ball off the plate.

Bottom 5th

So I glance at the clock and realize that there's a new hour-long episode of The Office on right now. I was wondering why you all were so silent. Aw, c'mon back! 45 minutes in, you already have your quote for the "About Last Night" thread tomorrow morning.

Asdrubal Cabrera, I assume, is TiVoing The Office tonight, which he briefly thought of as he drew that walk just then. Hafner's swing kills the bat, as well as his chances of reaching base, as the ball lands in Melky Cabrera's mitt.

Oh, the timingness of it all! As Craig Sager interviews the fan who beats the drum in the top row of Jacobs Field, Martinez smashes a two-run homer to right field. Little kids in the greater Cleveland area are giddy, and Gary Glitter blares through the loudspeaker. These two events are not related.

Garko grounds out. Ho hum.

Turns out the guy who beats the drum is a computer guy for AT&T. He serves as a shining beacon among those in the information technology industry. With a little hard work and a lot of free time on nights and weekends, you too can have 15 seconds of fame!

I think Peralta just doubled or something. I should watch more and write less.

So, an update on my passing remark about the supposed age similarity between Kenny Lofton and Eric Wedge. Lofton is actually eight months older than Wedge. There you have it. Lofton singles back up the middle, a lot like his first-inning RBI hit, only this time Jhon scores rather than gets tagged in a rundown. It's now 7-3, and with that — wow, I can't believe I kept away from Chien-Ming dick jokes until now — Joe Torre appears to be pulling Wang.

So Ross Ohlendorf is your Yankees pitcher. I have zero pre-fabricated Ross Ohlendorf jokes. I can tell by the look in your eyes that you're disappointed in me. And Lofton steals second. Eventually, someone will let Bob Brenly know that the pitcher's name is not Ross Ohlendorfer. I guess when you have an unusual long name to say, one more generic suffix won't hurt. And Ohlendorferstein walks Franklin Gutierrez. And this game is just getting outta hand. Torgo laces a double in the right field corner, scoring Lofton and Gutierrez. Ohlendorfersteinerling looks rattled out there.

Sizemore hits a fly ball between three fielders, but Melky catches up to it and ends the ballistic fifth.

Top 5th

And heeere's Shelley, pinch-hitting for Mientkiewicz. Thank God. I'm fucking sick of typing that last name. Can you feel it? There's this 26.9 percent feeling in the air that the Indians' lead will be halved after this at-bat. Instead, the 73.1 percent feeling of logic kicks in, and Duncan cracks a long single to the opposite field. Damon takes some really, really close pitches, and bumps Duncan up to second on the walk.

Sabathia's pitch count is in the low-to-mid-90s, with a slight chance of thunderstorms rolling in late in the evening. Visibility: 5 miles.

Seeing that C.C.'s frosting mantra was slipping, the pitching coach comes back out for a powwow. Jeter flies out to right, but Duncan can't advance. But who needs to advance the runner? Abreu's double down the left-field line brings the huffin' and puffin' Duncan home. Fearing that 0-1 average in the postseason thus far, the Indians grant A-Rod first base. But why do it on four pitches? Why not just throw a 50-mph fastball that bounces four or five times and hit A-Rod in the shin? It wouldn't hurt, it'd be hard to hit, and it would save us all valuable livebloggin' time.

As he struggles against Jorge Posada with the bases loaded and one out, this is as good a time any to bring you another...

Fun, Fallible Fact About: C.C. SABATHIA! He brings his own rosin bag to away games, which is filled not with rosin, but rather with Pixy Stix powder.

And with a full count, Sabathia strikes Posada out swinging. Big, big, out. Bigger still was that popup that Sabathia made Matsui hit. Yes, he made him do it. WITH HIS MIND.

Bottom 4th

Kenny Lofton was in Eric Wedge's graduating class, right? He flies out to Cano behind second base. Hey, at what distance does a popout becomes a flyout? Methinks we need a new line of paint through the outfield. Gutierrez draws a walk, and ... WHOOSH ... TBS spills a virtual graphic beneath his feet as he leads off. Evidently it's a 9-foot measuring stick. One of Tom Smykowski's greatest inventions to date!

Blake grounds down the line, but A-Rod catches it and forces out Cabrera at second. Blake is now on the ... you know, that looks like half of a Simon game. I'm still trying to figure out what to call this thing. Any takers, commenters?

Sizemore looks at strike three. Froemming's been calling a very consistent high strike.

Top 4th

I just had a vision of hell. Frank Caliendo and Dane Cook dining at Applebee's, as "Our Country" plays on the jukebox. [woogidy]

Posada's flyout to right makes Gutierrez work a little. A little. Matsui looks silly striking out, but not as silly as Jeter doing that Riverdance an inning prior.

The announcers are gushing over C.C. Sabathia! He's dialed in! He's rolling! He's a Cy Yo... scratch that. Robinson Cano hits a solo home run. Both the fans and announcers must now refrain 15 minutes before saying something overly complimentary about Sabathia. And Mientkiewicz pops out, but hey, they got their run.

Bottom 3rd

Chip Caray says that Asdrubal Cabrera's "natural position is short." They have enhancement pills for that, I've heard. Okay, I deserved that, as Cabrera shut me up mid-dick joke with a home run to right-center. Hafner grounds out and ... well, lookit that, Craig Sager found LeBron James wearing a Yankees hat. Given what he's done so far, I don't think anyone in Cleveland will really question James's allegiances in non-basketball sports. He says he's been a Yankees fan his entire life, which will work out when he's traded to the Knicks for the 2008-09 season.

Martinez flies out, and then Garko — oh, I could pick a number of cutesy slang terms for this — bloops a single into right field. Peralta's fly ball goes farther than Garko's, enough so Abreu can catch up to it and make the catch, yet Garko's the one who gets credited with a base hit. Funny how that works.

Top 3rd

Damon's 2-2 count from the previous inning gets reset for the top of the third, but Sabathia strikes him out anyway. I suppose that's a legitimate five-pitch strikeout. Jeter strikes out while losing balance and sort of flailing his body on the third strike, as if to say, "Everybody! Look at me! I just got schooled!" He probably didn't say that, however. Abreu gets his second walk of the night, and Rodriguez ... well, that won't get any runs in. Pop-up to Peralta. The clutchification must wait.

Bottom 2nd

The announcers are sure hoping Wang, like Sabathia, settles down and this game becomes a pitching duel. Maybe I'm the only one who hopes this thing's 8-6 going into the fourth inning.

Franklin Gutierrez pops out to A-Rod. What a clutchographic catch. Casey Blake — be honest, with that beard, he's a spittin' image of Torgo from "Manos: Hands of Fate" — strikes out on four pitches. Sizemore grounds 'twixt Cano and Mientkiewicz. And for the second straight inning, Sizemore is out at second. Only this time he tried to steal against Posada. Greedy git.

Top 2nd

Robinson Cano looks at four straight non-frosting pitches and takes first.

Meanwhile, TBS shows a replay of Wedge talking to Bruce Froemming after the Damon home run, with audio goodness. Froemming: "There was no doubt about it." I suppose there's no way to argue that.

Melky Cabrera pops out in foul territory, bringing up Doug Mientkiewicz (born in Toledo!) And that means it's time for a:

Fun, Fallible Fact About: DOUG MIENTKIEWICZ! It's no coincidence that his name is an anagram for "Ionized Wicket Gum." His great-grandfather, Adolphus Mientkiewicz, invented ionized wicket gum as an alternate method for keeping tires attached to Model-Ts.

Mientkiewicz flies out. With Damon batting, Cano tries to steal, but someone in the clubhouse must've set Cano to "Don Zimmer speed," because Martinez threw him out with plenty of time.

Bottom 1st

Wang's first pitch ... thwack, right on Grady Sizemore's toesies. Asdrubal Cabrera — wasn't he the cat from "The Smurfs?" — grounds into a double play, and all Sizemore has to show for his efforts is a hurty foot. Travis Hafner draws a 2-out walk, which is fortunate, because that's also his running speed. You'd think Victor Martinez is more of a 3-hitter, and Hafner's a 4-hitter, but here we are. Martinez lines to right for a single, and Hafner, well ... "walks" to second. Ryan Garko lines back up the middle, and Hafner — Christ, he'd go faster if someone hauled him with a forklift — scores from second. And here comes Jhonny Peralta.

Bob Brenly, discussing how both pitchers could settle down after this rocky inning: "this may be all the offense we see all night!" Did he just say the game would end 1-1. Yes, because if any former manager knows something about tie games, it's Bob Brenly. And that's when Peralta battles off 3-2 pitches en route to a walk.

Hey, look, Kenny Lofton. Did he bring Wil Cordero? Lofton singles up the middle, scoring two more, before Jhonny Cakes gets caught in a rundown between second and third. Don't worry, Brenly, there's still plenty of time to finish this game tied.

Top 1st

So, I promised myself I would keep the fat jokes to a minimum, but I just can't help it. Before the game, catcher Victor Martinez gave Sabathia some control advice: just pretend that the strike zone is frosting. A 3-1 pitch to Johnny Damon is CRUSHED ... deep ... deep ... foul. Foul!? Joe Torre doesn't think so, so he comes out and makes his case about the physics of time and space. Chip Caray: "the first rhubarb of the series." The first what? Now they discuss it and the umpires call it a home run. Eric Wedge comes out to complain. Logically, I assume this is the second rhubarb of the series.

Now I'm being told the Rockies/Phillies game is over. All you Chandler disciples better have moved your ass over here by now.

Derek Jeter pops out to second, but it was a clutch popout. Bobby Abreu turns a 1-2 count into a walk, and now some guy named Alex is batting. Sabathia's starting to lose his control already. No, shoulder-high isn't frosting. Shoulder-high is broccoli. Rodriguez, at one point in a 1-2 count himself, draws a walk. WHAT CLUTCHERINESS.

With C.C. already chucking 25 pitches, the coach comes out and sternly tells him about the concept of the "zone where strikes go" as Jorge Posada steps up to bat. He falls behind 2-0, then hurls three straight strikes. Mmm. delicious frosting. Matsui grounds out, and that's the inning.

Pregame

Analysis of today's game: expect an alternating pattern of "Major League" quotes, followed by "The Scout" quotes.

AccuScore forecasts that Shelley Duncan has a 26.9 percent chance of hitting a home run. And here I thought the dead lady from "Lamb Chop's" was more of a contact hitter. The same baseball algorithm predicts that C.C. Sabathia's hat has a 99.8 percent chance to, for the 220th straight game, annoy the ever loving shit out of me.

But I think the series is best summed up by the infamous "featured comment" on ESPN.com's playoff series page:

"The playoffs are all about three things: (1) pitching, (2) pitching, and (3) pitching. Forget about the dominance of Sabathia and Carmona ... and look at the Indians' bullpen. No question which team has a major edge in pitching."

Well, it's 6:25, and the Phillies/Rockies isn't over yet, so it sounds like the game's going to start being showed on TNT. In the meantime, I could liveblog this episode of "Law & Order." And I will. Hmmm, they appear to be interrogating a teenage Russian prostitute. This should be rather ... [channel cuts to MLB coverage] ... oh, hi Ernie Smith. Didn't see ya there. Could you knock next time?!

The game announcers Tony Gwynn, Bob Brenly, and Chip Caray. Hey, I know all those people.

Since there's not much more to say, here's a very amusing KodakGallery slideshow of the Red Sox celebrating their AL East title the other night. Features special Dice-K dancing action!

Red Sox Photo Gallery [KodakGallery]
Big Game Hunter [SI.com]