Here's Alfonso Soriano Celebrating A Home Run He Didn't Hit

This looks like a home run celebration—you always save the bat-toss-transitional-slow-trot-skip for home runs—but it is not a home run celebration. » 8/25/13 11:45am 8/25/13 11:45am

Alfonso Soriano Is A Breath Of Fresh Air

In two nights, Alfonso Soriano has four home runs and 13 RBI. In those same nights, the Yankees have demolished the Angels 14-7 and 11-3. He's played 17 games for the Yankees this season and has seven home runs. It is 2013 and Yankee Stadium is chanting "Soriano" like it's 2003. » 8/14/13 11:35pm 8/14/13 11:35pm

Alfonso Soriano Is A Yankee Again

The Yankees, who can't hit for shit, have officially acquired Alfonso Soriano from the Cubs. Soriano is old and streaky, and will therefore hit cleanup for New York tonight. » 7/26/13 4:44pm 7/26/13 4:44pm

Getting To Know Alfonso Soriano's Alleged Road Beef

So, this seems like it could be a regular feature. Deadspin received a tip this weekend about pictures circulating on one Keri Wiesen's Facebook page (public to those in the Chicago network), which features this fleshy young lady in various friendly poses with the Chicago Cubs' (Central division champs! Hooray!)… » 9/22/08 1:30pm 9/22/08 1:30pm

Cubs' Curse: 'Sorry I'm Late; Traffic Was A Bitch'

For all of those who thought that fate had given the Cubs a pass this season; for all who doubted The Curse and figured that 100 years of futility were enough, well, think again, Mojambo. Take a look at your roster tomorrow and notice that heaping helping of Micah Hoffpauir, where Alfonso Soriano should be. What in… » 6/12/08 12:35pm 6/12/08 12:35pm

Welcoming The Pill In A Leathery Embrace ... No!

Slate's Robert Weintraub, like many of us, loves the old purple prose of early 1900s sportswriting, the Grantland Rices, the men who painted epic tales of warriors, grizzled combatants and lardywarks too manly to wear gloves. In an occasional series, Weintraub writes about the week's best baseball game in the style of… » 5/28/08 4:10pm 5/28/08 4:10pm

We Must All Protect Alfonso Soriano's Feelings

You know the Cubs are competitors this year because their fans are getting ornery. And the target of their orneriness has been Alfonso Soriano, who plays left field as if he's crossing ice with eels as slippers. But the Cubs organization has had just about enough of fans' darned negativity. » 5/27/08 7:30pm 5/27/08 7:30pm

Look, The Cubs Actually Spent Some Cash. A LOT Of It

Say what you will about the Chicago Cubs, but they aren't letting a little thing like an impending sale stand in the way of paying a ridiculous amount for a big name. In a move that should put those A-Rod rumors to the crematorium, the Cubs signed Alfonso Soriano to an eight-year, $136 million deal. That's eight years » 11/20/06 10:30am 11/20/06 10:30am

Does This Mean Jay-Z Has To Rename His Club?

Forty. Forty. Forty. There was a time in the not-too-distant past when seeing that word three times in a row would mean that I had 120 ounces of this garbage coursing through my veins. Today, however, it represents the remarkable accomplishment of Alfonso Soriano, becoming the first ever member of the 40/40/40 Club. » 9/23/06 1:15pm 9/23/06 1:15pm

Jim Bowden Knows When To Hold 'Em

So the big story of yesterday's trade deadline, as tends to be the case, turned out to be what not happened: Washington Nationals general manager Jim Bowden hung on to impending free agent Alfonso Soriano rather than flipping for prospects, or cash, or beans, or whatever. Because the Natinoals aren't going anywhere… » 8/01/06 11:00am 8/01/06 11:00am

Alfonso Soriano Saves Lives

Alfonso Soriano might suck at being a left fielder, but if you're at a Nationals game, and sitting in foul territory with a woman who hasn't had a proper screening for ovarian cancer, there's no one else you'd rather have at the plate. » 4/16/06 8:12pm 4/16/06 8:12pm

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over; Soriano Caves

Well, it appears that Alfonso Soriano has agreed to play left field for the Nationals in spring training and is, in fact, playing the position right now, against the Cardinals. It "ends" a "standoff" that would be the sports world equivalent of Waco if, you know, Frank Robinson had set fire to Soriano at the end of it. » 3/22/06 4:30pm 3/22/06 4:30pm