Bobby Jindal, Obsequious Twerp, Simpers The Fuck Out

Bobby Jindal will no longer pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. He also will not pursue Alpha Centauri, or growing a second head out of his left shoulder, or the Elder Wand. Dogs will not shoot lasers from their eyes. The sun will not be a showerhead that sprays grapefruit juice. Many things will not… »11/18/15 1:35pm11/18/15 1:35pm


The Only Rule Is Refusal: A Song For Rand Paul

By the end of last night’s debate, Rand Paul had been reduced to smirking and reciting the Real Fiscal Conservatism rulebook—You can’t spend trillions on the military and be a real conservative, so are you a real conservative?—like a five-year-old who’d caught a playmate in the irreconcilable thoughtcrime of claiming… »11/11/15 3:29pm11/11/15 3:29pm

Big Fat Fabulist Ben Carson's West Point Story Is Bogus

Republican presidential candidate and hip-hop impresario Ben Carson is full of beans. Possibly he is as much as 82-percent beans! His tales of youthful violence keep changing, his Mannatech disavowal was bogus on its face, and now his story of receiving a full scholarship to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point has… »11/06/15 2:55pm11/06/15 2:55pm

Larry Lessig Was Running For President, Now Isn't

Larry Lessig is a Harvard professor, campaign finance reform activist, and attorney; he is not seeking the Democratic nomination to the 2016 presidential election. That last bit is new, as of yesterday: He was seeking the nomination before that—didn’t you know?—and now he is not. Baby shoes, never worn. »11/03/15 3:33pm11/03/15 3:33pm

Jeb Can't Fake A Spleen; The GOP Can't Fake A Candidate

You ask a five-year-old to pretend she is a grownup doing a grown-up job, and she will furrow her brow into a stern expression, scrunch up her little mouth into a tight frown, and speak in a deepened, scolding tone of voice. It does a pretty good—and cute!—job of illustrating how a five-year-old perceives the… »10/29/15 2:21pm10/29/15 2:21pm

No, Seriously, Dissolve The United States

Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Navy, a Republican Senator, and Hillary Clinton walk into a bar. Bartender looks them over and says, “Christ, this is 60 percent of the Democratic presidential campaign field? You motherfuckers make Richard Nixon look like Leon Trotsky.” Then Jim Webb knifes him, because Jim Webb is a… »10/15/15 9:30am10/15/15 9:30am

Marco Rubio's Boy Kinda Punched Rand Paul's Boy In The Face Last Night

Politics, like rap music, is sports. In the throes of competition, tempers flare as the blood gets hot. There’s always some beef. Sometimes, separate parties arrive at blows. Rarely, there’s even gunplay. Within that context, allow us to direct you to the bestest beef of them all, between aides to Republican… »9/18/15 12:29pm9/18/15 12:29pm

"Amazing Grace" Played By Airhorns Is Our New National Anthem, Breh

Please, a moment of extreme silence to honor America and our Lord, for here is “Amazing Grace” played by a choir of airhorns. Hats off, hands on your hearts. Please direct your local place of worship to add this to the docket this Sunday, as it is both religious and our new national anthem. I literally have no idea… »5/22/15 12:14pm5/22/15 12:14pm

Boy Scouts Aren't Allowed to Have Water Gun Fights Now

The Boy Scouts of America, a paramilitary children’s organization inspired in part by the exploits of the young Mafeking Cadet Corps during the Second Boer War, has forbidden its present-day members to shoot squirt guns at one another. A blog post for adult Scout leaders on the Scouting Magazine website reports that… »5/19/15 2:36pm5/19/15 2:36pm

Fuck The British Royal Family

His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty The Queen, looks like a goddamn donkey. … »12/09/14 11:10am12/09/14 11:10am

The American Justice System Is Not Broken

In July, New York police officer Daniel Pantaleo choked unarmed black man Eric Garner to death, in broad daylight, while a bystander caught it on video. That is what American police do. Yesterday, despite the video, despite an NYPD prohibition of exactly the sort of chokehold Pantaleo used, and despite the New York… »12/03/14 10:08pm12/03/14 10:08pm

America's Ugliest Accent, Round One: Boston, Baltimore, L.A., Chicago

If you're from Philadelphia, your preferred non-Yuengling beverage is wooder. If you're from New York City, your greatest enemies are the bridge-and-tunnel crowd from Lawng Island. If you're from Los Angeles, you respond to people who hop on the 405 at rush hour with a pained "Whyy-ee?" »9/29/14 2:44pm9/29/14 2:44pm