Fuck Your Apple Announcement Hype 

In a post from a few days ago that could just have easily been written at any point over the past seven years, Mashable proclaimed that Apple might be working on a thinner iPhone. No shit. New things are better than old things. Upgrades are made with better parts and built to be more efficient. This will happen every.… »9/09/15 8:00pm9/09/15 8:00pm

The Apple Watch Has Rendered The Following Celebrities Unfuckable 

The Apple Watch is an expensive way of saying, “Hey, you know what I need more of? Computers. Near or around my person. At all times.” It’s a dumb luxury item, and the only reason you feel even the slightest hint of desire for it is because Apple is good at marketing. Unfortunately, wearing one immediately places you… »4/28/15 4:57pm4/28/15 4:57pm

Take the Pledge: I Will Not Have Sex With Anyone Who Wears an AppleWatch

Imagine: you're lying in bed, the perfume of lovemaking still stinging your nostrils and firing your neurons, legs tangled with your partner. Baby, that sex with you was so good, you coo, rolling over—only to discover that your partner is wearing a gold miniature smartphone on his wrist. Don't ever let this happen. »3/10/15 4:44pm3/10/15 4:44pm

U2 Never Gave Their New Album A Chance

I don't want to live in a world where U2 are well and truly irrelevant, and yet I fear I've been living in that world for quite some time. Or at least working there; what we learned yesterday, when Bono and the boys gave away their new album, Songs of Innocence, for free via iTunes to a half-billion people, is that… »9/10/14 3:09pm9/10/14 3:09pm

Heart of Blandness: A Walking Tour of Silicon Valley

Walking is the only pleasant form of traveling by land. You need no special equipment, training, money, e-tickets, antidepressants, or Twitter followers. Whatever clothes you're wearing will do fine; a hat and shoes are optional. When I've got a few days to spend somewhere, I spend them walking around. So I spent a… »2/28/14 5:44pm2/28/14 5:44pm

Screw Your Pumpkin Flavors: How To Make Apple Crumble

Fun fact! Careful examination of the historical record reveals that, whatever the goddamn Starbucks menu may suggest to the contrary, the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs between Sept. 15 and Dec. 20 is not a capital crime. Whether the consumption of non-pumpkin-flavored foodstuffs in that time period… »10/26/13 12:10pm10/26/13 12:10pm

Jim Haslett Accidentally Recorded Himself Trying To Turn Off An iPod's Camera At The Apple Store Best Buy

According to the Youtube description, Redskins defensive coordinator Jim Haslett went to the Apple Store Best Buy in Sterling, Va. As one does, he played around with the electronics. He turned on an iPod Touch. He turned on the camera app. He switched over to video. He pressed record. He couldn't figure out how to… »2/21/13 4:15pm2/21/13 4:15pm