D-Backs reliever Clay Zavada won the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award from the American Mustache Institute, and eagerly traveled to St. Louis to accept his crown and plaque.

Thanks to Quicken and the American Mustache Institute as this is an honor, especially to beat out some great people like Captain Sully Sullenberger, who is an absolute hero," said a modest yet good looking Zavada, who in 51 innings for the Diamondbacks in 2009 struck out 52 batters with a 3.35 ERA. "I am humbled that so many people in America care about mustaches and have been amazed at all of the support I've gotten, especially from my grandma who was really fired up about me winning."

Meh, let's celebrate Clay Zavada and his Rollie Fingers-lite, because it's the only hardware any of the Diamondback are bringing home this season.

Diamondbacks' Zavada Wins "Mustached American of the Year" [AMI]
•••••

Thanks for joining us for another Sunday. I don't know if you've heard, but there's a baseball game of moderate importance tonight.

This woman is either exhausted from watching 17-innings of lifeless N.L West baseball or she was so disgusted by the untimely hitting that she began vomiting in her right hand. The game went 18-innings on Sunday night, by the way, clocking in at 5 hours and 45 minutes to become the longest MLB game this year. Those loyal Padres fans who stuck around Petco Park couldn't even come away with a win for their seat rashes, as the Fightin' Robed-men lost on a three-run home run by the Diamondbacks' Mark Reynolds in the top of the 18th.

******

Good morning. It's raining. This one's for all the blacksmiths out there.

All hail the Purple Power mouth guard, developed by a dentist in Nova Scotia and embraced by Byrnes, Dustin Pedroia, Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard, among others. Byrnes, in the Arizona Republic:

"I originally started wearing it because our trainers thought it could possibly help my hamstring," the Diamondbacks outfielder said.

Get this man a chart of the human body, stat.

But Mad Scientist Anil Makkar, inventor of the device, swears it's true:

"The jaw joint is actually the focus of power in the body because that is the most used joint in the whole body," Makkar said. "So what we're basically doing is trying to find the most comfortable position of that lower jaw. ... It relaxes all the muscles in the face and allows you (to) use more of your upper and lower body strength."

And just listen to this testimonial by the Diamondbacks' Mark Reynolds:

"It's supposed to line your jaw up and help you breathe and a bunch of shit," the third baseman said.

You going to try it out?

"No."

I think we all know that this will never really catch on until Alyssa Milano starts using one.

Byrnes On Growing List Using Mouthguards [Arizona Republic]

Byrning Heat Trailer - New Eric Byrnes Show debuts Sept. 1

All props to ClueHeywood, who sent this in, and adds: "It's kind of funny. Funnier still is that two of those players probably won't be with the team next year."

Byrning Heat Trailer — New Eric Byrnes Show Debuts Sept. 1 [MySpace TV]

First, of course, we had to get a ticket. If you remember the original story (and we know you have it on your fridge), all one had to do to acquire access to the bliss that can only come from being in the same cavernous mallpark as Jessica Simpson was to spend money at Fry's Food and Drug. (Unfortunately, you had to choose food.)

Jessica's glossy face awaits you when you enter the front of the store, beckoning you to gorge on PepsiCo products (which is why you'll need the ProActiv, we assume) to finally be able to grace her presence. We started stacking our cart full of Diet Pepsi and Sobe Water when spotted some fine, fine print:

Did we have enough magical Fry's points to spend on such a titillating offer? No, sadly... we've just moved to this fine clime and therefore have not shopped at Fry's enough (or been to enough Diamondbacks games) to gather the needed points. However, we estimate that it only takes 4-6 weeks of feeding the gaping maws of the little lights of your life to gather up enough Fry's points to make this happen. So now you know the price of getting close enough to Jessica Simpson to see the roots. (Of her country music career.)

Ooh! Chip bowl! Classy.

We had spent enough to get our magical receipt, vesting us with the power to claim a free Jessica Simpson concert ticket (with extra baseball!) by the time we left Fry's. We considered various plots to gather the necessary Fry's points to get closer to the story, but we reconsidered. We weren't actually all that sure how close we wanted to get to the phenomenon. In the end, we chose to stay in the stands and work the general crowd, avoiding the Jessica Simpson fangirls and boys.

Also, we might need those Fry's points for something important someday.

We sprinted out of our home right after Deadspin work last night to make it just in time for the game, though not in time to get in on the Dan Haren bobblehead night. (You owe us a bobblehead, Unsilent!) We weren't overwhelmed with the walkup crowd when we arrived, but we were concerned our magical free ticket may not be available anymore. After all, there may not be a Jessica Simpson explosion in fan attendance, but 'free' tickets to a baseball team in a playoff race are 'free' tickets to a baseball team in a playoff race.

Our concerns were unfounded, though; we snatched up our free ticket with little trouble. The ticket vendor told us that many people had indeed cashed in their receipts and to expect a full upper deck tonight. (What, you didn't think they were giving away the seats they were making money on, did you?)

Sure enough, the upper deck did seem rather full (at least for a Diamondbacks game), but the composition of the crowd struck us. We found ourselves surrounded by families (as you'd expect on a Saturday in the cheap seats) and many pre-teen and teenage girls with questionable interest in the game. Did the Diamondbacks actually get the atypical teenage girl crowd to attend a Saturday night game to see their heroine?

The Diamondbacks did pull out all the stops to lure the girls into becoming baseball fans. They invited the ESPY-laden heroines of college softball after telling their story of carrying an opposing player around the bases.

Jessica herself came out in the fifth to pimp her appearance and put on her best performance of the evening: not cringing at the forced flirting dialogue. ("Sorry; I have a boyfriend. Did I mention I have a boyfriend? He's a football player. He plays sports. I'm dating the quarterback. Do you know my boyfriend?" This would become a theme.)

Also, CDs were given away to certain sections, ones part of the evening's ticket giveaway. (We did not win. Or maybe we did.)

Also, apropos of nothing, we saw this: it's a canine on a chicken with a battering ram beating up a burrito. The kids love that, right?

Unfortunately, the Diamondbacks failed to order up a decent baseball game. Between the Reds' Edinson Volquez fidgeting often on the mound as Dusty Baker rode him hard and put him up wet and then both managers switching to situational pitching bingo in the late innings, the kids around us began to fidget. We secretly rooted for chaos and a 14-inning game to push the start of the concert past midnight.

When the Reds tied the game again in the top of the ninth, we got our wish and thousands of little girls turned to their parents and asked, "Why are they still playing?" Of course, our answer ("only because they're contractually obligated, honey") probably wasn't the appropriate one. Kids lurched between sugar highs (one child a few rows back screamed without apparent external stimulus for a solid 15 minutes) and sugar crashes (weeping, sleeping, and drinkin... wait, those were the adults).

Eventually, though, like all things Dusty, it ended well after it should have with heartbreak all around. The game took four hours to complete 10 innings (!!!), leaving the little darlings waiting for a Jessica Simpson concert until 9:30 local time.

Then the exodus began. At one point, we became concerned that people named "Simpson" might outnumber other people in Chase Field by the time the concert started.

However, as the "stage" was constructed, we noticed the rush for the doors slowing quite considerably. People had moved down to the lower bowl, sure, but there were still many thousands left. (When Miss Simpson stepped up to the stage, she exclaimed, "I didn't expect so many of you to stay!" Neither did we.)


The Fry's VIPs (and is there any more cheapened acronym in America since "RBI"?) filtered onto the field and we were near the moment of truth. How would America's newest country star enter this new stage of her life?

It was at this moment that we realized this would not end well. We did not expect wacky morning DJs. Nothing good can come from wacky morning DJs.

Then the woman of the evening strolls slowly to her stage, sipping from a travel mug and chatting with her handlers. This wasn't a grand introduction; it was an accidental entrance.

She gave an extended introduction to the crowd, managing to mention her boyfriend who plays football a few times. (By the way, the heartiest sounds of the night came from feverishly booing Tony Romo and the Cowboys. She tried to get everyone to agree that hey, we may disagree on the Cowboys, but those Eagles suck, don't they? More boos. Jessica, unless it's reggaeton or Christian rock, it's not a musical football interlude in Phoenix.)

Her sponsors could not have been pleased with what happened next: she sang. Specifically, she sang Nancy Sinatra (so we're getting her Miss Piggy duet?) and then launched into her own tunes. At first, the sound system robbed us of the ability to hear her, but then someone ruined that. She caterwauled, yodeled, and shouted various lyrics breathlessly in a manner that would have cleared the place out if...

... well, actually, she did. As it turned out, the bulk of the "concertgoers" had been gawkers from the game, wondering what to expect from the ingenue emeritus. Once they got a sample (and possibly got in a few mocking shots), they bolted for the exits as if a Marlins game broke out.

Honestly, she tried so hard that our heart broke for her. She flailed wildly, trying to show emotion and effort. She even almost memorized the banter between songs, only failing when asked to tell us which two songs she's loved for so many years that she stole from to make her own song. (By the way, "stole" was her word.) She was simply awful, though.

She really only seemed to be genuinely speaking for herself when she talked about her boyfriend and the song she wrote for her boyfriend and she loves her boyfriend. (Of course, according to at least one Philly fan, she might be misguided there, too.)

We stuck it out for a few more songs, hoping for... well, we don't know. Anything to make a happy ending. It didn't happen. When we slipped down to the lower level, one of the ushers shrugged at me and said, "I hope she doesn't plan on selling any albums."

However, the Diamondbacks possibly sold baseball to a few more families they need to build a fan base that nearly disappeared in 2004 Also, Jessica might have pulled in a few more fans for her new album and we all know the value of the publicity. Even PepsiCo and Fry's got to associate themselves with sexy wholesomeness. So from a polished and calculated corporate synergistic standpoint, we suppose it wasn't a total loss.

On the other hand, all we saw last night was a young woman way in over her head trying her damnedest to hit her spots and sing many of the prescribed notes and name drop as many people as possible to prove to everyone (and especially herself) she belonged wherever she thought she was last night. We really didn't expect that part.

It was Sept. 17, 1920, to be exact, when Bobby Veach of the Detroit Tigers and George Burns of the New York Giants did it, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. I'll give you a minute to dig out both of those baseball cards from your collection before I continue.

Beltre homered in the second, had a run-scoring single in the fourth, doubled in the seventh and tripled in the eighth. He also had another single, missing a six-hit game when he grounded out in the ninth. Seattle beat Texas 12-6. Drew singled in the first, tripled in the third, homered in the fifth and had a ground rule double in the seventh. He also finished with five hits. It was the first-ever cycle at Chase Field.

And, of course, only Drew's really meant anything. Arizona beat St. Louis 8-6, keeping the Diamondbacks 2 1/2 games ahead of the Dodgers in the NL West. LA beat San Diego 5-2 on Monday. Seattle, meanwhile, is 29 1/2 games behind the Angels in the AL West; not quite mathematically eliminated, but close.

Now, what exactly happens when you fracture a testicle? According to this handy breakdown on eMedicine, it's a rip or tear in the "tunica albuginea resulting in extrusion of the testicular contents." At first glance, "tunica albuginea" sounds like an exotic dining room paint color or prehistoric fish, but it's actually a "layer of connective tissue covering of the testicles." You need that, if you'd like your testicles to thrive, function, and not end up in your chest cavity each time you sit down. So, that's what he's getting fixed.

D-backs Place Byrnes, Snyder On DL [MLB]

Testicular Trauma [eMedicine]

• Hank is happy again. Mike Mussina put together another solid start and the Yankees rode it to 6-1 victory over the struggling Mariners. Things could be going better for New York's pitching staff, but Hank must be happy to see his veterans holding steady while the younger find their way. The Yankees pounded out 13 hits on the day, 12 of which came off of Seattle's King Felix in 5.2 innings of work.

• The NL West is raking. James Loney was the hero last night in LA's 12-7 win in Colorado. The young first baseman matched Ojeda for the night's lead in RBI with six on just two hits, a double and a home run. Hong-Chin Kuo picked up his first win of the year, while striking out five in relief of Esteban Loaiza. Jorge De La Rosa took the loss for the Rockies, surrendering nine runs in four innings. Stupid humidifier.

Zito was staked to a 3-0 lead over the Diamondbacks and of course lost it — pitcher Brandon Webb adding to the torment by crushing a two-run double — lasting only 3 2/3 innings in Arizona's 5-4 victory. And so, as any schoolchild knows, Webb is now 5-0 and Zito 0-5, making that oven look like a mighty inviting place for manager Bruce Bochy to lay his weary head. Zito, who has legally changed his middle name to "Tweak My Mechanics," now has an ERA of 5.61. Hey, there's only five years remaining on his $126 million contract, so there's nowhere to go but up! Here's how the McCovey Chronicles views the situation. And one of their commenters chimes in with this. Nice. Oh, that Zito quote, as told to the Chronicle:

"We came out and we capitalized on Webb's mistakes. They gave me a lead of 3-0, and I feel like shit. I let them back in the game. I gave them two runs in a shutdown inning, and then I went out in the fourth and gave up a hit to Webb."

Webb still isn't hitting .130, but his five wins match the total of the Giants' starting rotation. He allowed three runs and nine hits over six innings, striking out seven. The Diamondbacks are 15-5 and lead the NL West by six games. They never led by more than five in winning the division last season.

• Mystery Science Theater 3000. John Smoltz became the first player in baseball history to receive a congratulatory text message on getting his 3,000th career strikeout — it came from BFF Greg Maddux, LOL — but the Braves still lost to the Nationals 6-0. Smoltz is now No. 16 on the list. Willie Harris' RBI double in the second gave the Nationals a 1-0 lead, and John Lannan got the win.

• A Royal Ass-Kicking. Troubled by lackluster sales of their team calendar, the Kansas City Royals surrendered to C.C. Sabathia and the Indians, 15-1, on Tuesday. Sabathia had 11 strikeouts and was supported by 17 hits, led by Casey Blake, who was 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.

• Dustin Time, I Found You Dustin Time. Josh Beckett was scratched just before game time with a stiff neck, but the Red Sox won their sixth straight anyway, 7-6 over the Angels. Dustin Pedroia had a tiebreaking, run-scoring double in the eighth. Still, all of that is no excuse for this very disturbing image. Nightmare Fuel tag ... activate!

• Pitch Perfect. Shall we exult over the Pirates' win? Yes, let's. It's not often that one of their pitchers isn't used for batting practice, but Paul Maholm was not to be trifled with on Tuesday, holding the Marlins to one run and four hits over six innings in a 3-2 win.

He continued to pitch, with the embarrassment of giving up six runs after the first inning, and actually made it all the way to the seventh inning, allowing his bullpen to pitch just one inning. If there was a category of respect you never gave Greg Maddux before ("Well, sure, he's great at defense, pitching, pitching in the playoffs ... but how does he handle getting his ass beat the day after his team plays a 22 inning game? Heh?!), then consider your Bingo card completely filled.

Also, credit goes to Arizona's Conor Jackson, who could have batted for the cycle in the fifth inning by casually strolling to second for his double, but he stretched that into his second triple of the night.

It's Always Those Last 12 Runs That Getcha. Kansas City was looking to steal a game in Oakland behind Brian Bannister, but Mr. Staircase Support didn't get a lot of run support. And his 2-1 lead evaporated in the sixth inning behind four Oakland runs. Then the game got all nutty with eight more in the eighth for a 13-2 demolishing of the Royales with cheese. Bobby Crosby had two doubles and a 3-run home run for 5 RBI in all, and Chad Gaudin pitched seven, struck out eight, and allowed just six baserunners.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say "It's Only April?" The Baltimore Orioles still have a better record than the Yankees. Certainly that'll change once they start playing th.. oh. Baltimore welcomed in N'yawk and then rickrolled them by roughing up Phil Hughes en route to an 8-2 victory. The only guy who knocked in runs for the Yankees was — good thing you didn't place bets on this one — Chad Moeller. Daniel Cabrera was good enough in his start, walking just two batters, far lower than the manager's pre-game target number of 18 walks for the control-stricken hurler.

So, They're Awesome Again, Until Further Beatdowns, Correct? I can't keep track of all these large-margin games for the Tigers. Either they're "in trouble" or "World Series contenders." There can't possibly be any middle ground here. Last night Kenny Rogers found enough magic thumb solvent to stifle the Jays for just four runs over 6 1/3 innings, then prayed that the Tigers brought their wooden bats and not the delicious tubes of cotton candy. Edgar Renteria had a two-run home run and the Tigers lineup had 7 doubles in their 8-4 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. Wooden bats.

Mommy, The Weekday Editors Are Fighting Again. With the Cardinals taking it to the Metaphorically-Sized Giants 11-1 last night, I have to wonder if Will's team beating Rick's team will have any lingering effects once they return to the writing grounds on Monday. I don't want any awkward posts between them. Matt Cain couldn't escape the fourth inning, where Albert Pujols layethed the "run of home" into the stands, and Todd Wellemeyer is now 2-0 after an impressive start against the Giants lineup. Because if you look closely, there a couple of baseball players in that Giants lineup. No, don't go searching for them now. You've got chores to do, young man.

But back to the Snakes. If there is one team that has the potential to wrap up its division race by June, it's the Diamondbacks. At 11-4, they're three up on second-place San Diego, the largest margin in the majors. Webb — the only four-game winner in the majors — was brilliant (I was there; and even though seated pretty far away, that sinker is impressive). Giants' hitting coach Carney Lansford: "He's a good pitcher, but if you make him get his sinker up you can hit him. You have to execute your game plan and not chase so many pitches out of the zone. You just can't do that. You've got to be disciplined against a pitcher like that." And Lansford knows what he's talking about; he's one of only 12 players who has played in both the Major League World Series (1988, '89, '90) and the Little League World Series (1969). Webb had a two-run single for the Diamondbacks, and Eric Byrnes had a run-scoring double. To recap: Webb, 4-0, 1.86 ERA, 22 strikeouts, eight walks, 2008 salary: $5.5 million; Zito, 0-4, 4.50 ERA, eight strikeouts, nine walks. 2008 salary: $14.5 million.

• Anyone Aware That The Yankees Played The Red Sox? Alex Rodriguez hit his 522nd home run to pass Ted Williams and Willie McCovey for 15th place on the career list, as the Yankees beat the Red Sox 15-9. It was the most runs for the Yankees at home vs. the Red Sox since 1954, and took 4 hours, 8 minutes to complete. New York outhit Boston 16-14. Here are the rest of the gory details, or just tune in to ESPN, which is still talking about it.

• This Meeting Of The Gil Meche Fan Club Will Come To Order. Freakin' Royals. Gil Meche got his first win, 3-2 over the Angels, as KC remained a half-game behind first-place Chicago in the Central. Billy Butler and Alex Gordon had run-scoring singles in the first, and Joey Gathright scored on Jered Weaver's error in the second.

• Orare Pro Me Ad Dominum Deum Nostrum. Amen. Cardinals win! Oh sorry, not those Cardinals. (Bishops?) Anyway, while the Pope was watching the Mets beat the Nationals 5-2 in D.C. (you couldn't drag him away from the chili nachos on the concourse level), Adam Wainwright proved that he, too was infallible. Wainwright went seven-plus innings and homered as St. Louis topped Milwaukee 5-4. CORRECTION: The Pope was at Nationals Stadium; the game was at Shea. He still went crazy with the nacho cheese pump.

• The Bridge To C.C. Sabathia. Edgar Renteria had a grand slam and Miguel Cabrera homered and had five RBI as the Tigers won their third straight, 13-2 over Cleveland and starter C.C. Sabathia. Good thing I didn't write them off or anything.

Anyway, off to the NL West.

1. Arizona Diamondbacks. We don't think the Pythagorean people are going to have a problem with them this year.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers. This should be the one year in his contract in which Torre stays awake.
3. Colorado Rockies. We know it seems strange to say a team that just went to the World Series is one year away, but ... we think they're a year away.
4. San Diego Padres. We will always love the guy, but ... Jim Edmonds is the impact offseason bat? Really?
5. San Francisco Giants: Easiest pick in all of baseball. Oh, and don't ask about Bonds.

That's ours; jumbled division. Yours?

Tomorrow: The National League East.

Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Arizona Diamondbacks. Your author is Jim McLennan.

Jim McLennan grew up in Britain so never saw live baseball for the first three decades of his life. He's making up for it now, and rants, on a daily basis, about the Arizona Diamondbacks over at AZSnakePit.com. His words are after the jump.

———————————

If any Arizona fan tries to tell you last year was expected to happen, don't believe them. Just about everything about 2007 was a surprise: Arizona's offense fizzled, our bullpen proved a tower of inconceivable strength and we survived the loss of Randy Johnson, while Doug Davis and Livan Hernandez pitched out of trouble with cheerful abandon, both men apparently pitching permanently from the stretch. Despite playing in a hitter-friendly park, we had the lowest average in the NL, scored 20 runs less than our opponents and still managed to post the best record in the league. We then swept the Cubs in three delicious games - more on them later - and though the wheels fell off the Saguaromobile in the Championship series, the season can only be described as exceeding all expectations.

More of the same in 2008? I certainly hope not. My digestive tract can not cope with another year of 52 one-run games, accompanied by six more months of every statistical analyst on the planet telling us we shouldn't be winning. No: this year, I want the Diamondbacks offense to be what we thought it would be last year, and then some, while Randy Johnson's back should possess the suppleness of a well-oiled young willow, and Dan Haren joins Brandon Webb at the top of the rotation to form a 1-2 punch unrivaled in the majors. KTHXBAI.

Wishful thinking aside, there does seem ground for optimism. Most of the roster return from last year, with the majority young enough that they'll be better, simply through age and experience. The few changes are indisputably improvements, most notably replacing Hernandez with Haren in the rotation, a move not far short of the Mets acquisition of Johan Santana, as far as impact. Sure, the D-backs sold a good chunk of the farm to do it, but with the exception of 2B Orlando Hudson, the entire starting lineup is signed at least through 2010. Given that, hoarding prospects was pointless - after all, you don't get any additional wins for having a really-good Triple-A roster.

Certainly, the Arizona rotation is a thing of potential beauty. Webb will likely be one of the Cy Young candidates again, while Haren started the All-Star game for the American League last year. Randy Johnson's back is once again a question mark, but apparently feels much better than last year, and Davis will walk far too many people, yet somehow escape. Then there's Micah Owings, who might be the best-hitting pitcher since Babe Ruth last took the mound - just ask the Braves, against whom he went 4-for-5 with two homers and six RBI, plus seven innings of three-hit ball in a game last August.

We should, hopefully, not be relying on the bats of our pitchers this year, and if there's an area where the D-backs really need to improve, it's at the plate. It was a young team, and it showed: in particular, shortstop Stephen Drew and right-fielder Carlos Quentin were weak spots. Quentin has gone, swapped for an A-ball player who became part of the Haren deal, and is replaced by phenom Justin Upton. The list of 20-year olds who played full-time in the majors of late is short: in fact, over the past fifteen years, it's Adrian Beltre, Andruw Jones and A-Rod. Upton is that good, potentially. Drew remains, though may find some of his playing time given to Chris Burke if he struggles again.

Elsewhere, Chris Young's 32-homer rookie season led the team, stealing 27 bases to go with them - just don't look at the 141 strikeouts or the on-base percentage which ended at only .295. It was notable that a lot of the Arizona players had significantly better second halves; 1B Conor Jackson and C Chris Snyder, in particular. I would hate to point fingers, but do note that the D-backs fired their hitting coach, Kevin Seitzer, at the All-Star break. The team added 38 points of OPS in the second half, with September being the offense's best month, by quite some distance. Here's to more of that in 2008.

The bullpen kicked ass, with just about every member outperforming all expectations, capped by Jose Valverde, who led the majors in saves, and also in opposing fans irritated, thanks to his patented post-save celebrations. He's now gone, traded to the Astros, so we'll get to see what life is like on the receiving end this year. Replacing him is Brandon Lyon, almost the anti-Valverde: far less demonstrative, and possessing four decent but not overpowering pitches, rare for closers, who usually dominate with two. I'm hoping our relief corps get given some more runs to play with, but they should be reliable, and the addition of Chad Qualls will help plug the gap left by Valverde.

It is kinda scary to think that veteran presence and leadership in the Arizona clubhouse will now be supplied by Hudson and Byrnes. This is because Tony Clark left the D-backs contract offer on the table while shopping around, only for it to be withdrawn. (He ended up getting a shorter, less well-paid deal with the Padres, for whom Adrian Gonzalez played 161 games at first-base. Clark's ass may well have fused with the pine on the Petco bench by season's end.) One suspects that things will go well, as long as things are going well - but as we saw at the All-Star Game, he couldn't even control his dog. Can a man driving a 2005 GMC van, which Byrnes calls the "shaggin' wagon," really command respect from his teammates?

One good step forward is the feeling that the D-backs are finally building rivalries with other teams. The Rockies are probably the most likely contenders, with both organizations building from within, and on a limited budget: there is some dislike there, with Troy Tulowitzki a particular lightning-rod for hatred. The problem is that it's still too "nice," though the hurling of bottles onto the field at Chase, after a questionable umpiring decision in the NLCS, certainly showed that the fans in Arizona could be provoked into passion, albeit not perhaps in a manner approved by Bud Selig.

For, let's be honest, Phoenix is a town of fickle, frontrunning fans - an inevitable result of being a city where almost everyone is from somewhere else and brings their loyalties with them. Nowhere is this more apparent when the Cubs come to town and all their fans living in Arizona suddenly come out of the woodwork. [I got a lot of flak during the season for observing how it was odd they feel such fierce loyalty to Chicago, yet apparently have no desire to live there...] But I have to say, something about the late-August series against Chicago galvanized the local fans, and by the time of the playoff series, Chase Field was no longer Wrigley South. Here's to more of that in 2008 as well.

The NL West promises, once again, to be among the tightest divisions in baseball - save the Giants, who will suck in a manner you'd expect, given the replacement of Barry Bonds in the cleanup spot by Bengie Molina. But I think the addition of Haren has kept the Diamondbacks at the front of the pack, and if the offense can perform even adequately, our pitching staff will do more than keep us in most games. Unlike last season, you won't find Arizona at 66/1 for the World Series this year, and if the anticipated division title occurs again, no-one will fancy facing Webb and Haren, with a side-order of Big Unit, in the playoffs.

The Chicago Sun-Times brings home the money quote:

"I'd prefer not to have a grown man standing there looking at my pickle, but if they have to do it for the sake of the game, I'm in. They watch the whole thing."

It's a good thing men are administering the drug tests, though. If it were women, more than likely it'd be impossible to keep that thing down on a regular basis. Although that seems like the kind of endurance test that the WACKY AND COLORFUL Eric Byrnes might enjoy.

First In Line [Chicago Sun-Times] (fourth item down)

Hey, whatever works.

Micah Owings' bat could get a little more play next season, and we're not just talking about pinch-hitting appearances. Owings, who last season made 27 starts out of the Diamondbacks' rotation and posted a 4.30 ERA, could find his way onto the field, perhaps at first base. "It's potentially, depending on how our roster looks, an option," manager Bob Melvin said Tuesday during a Q&A session with reporters.

As much as we might enjoy a Brooks Kieschnick situation, we know, oh how we know, that sometimes this doesn't turn out the way one might hope. It might be fun to see, though; we bet he hits better than Cesar freaking Izturis.

Diamondbacks Look At Interesting First Base Option [Cobra Brigade]

• The Rockies Have Saved Me From My Wicked Ways. I shall never again doubt wild card teams that come from the NL West. Once again the Rockies made all the right moves, including a balls of steel move by Hurdle to bring in a rookie pinch hitter in the bottom of the 4th. Naturally he blooped a 1-2 pitch to left for a double. And you knew it was going to happen. It was like God preordained it, including the subsequent D-Backs error that led to 4 more runs. That's the weird thing about the Rockies. They're literally playing on another plane, and it's actually tangible. While Boston fans piss and moan and expect failure, this Rockies team exudes such a unreal level of confidence that even casual observers watching this team play have a firm belief that they'll win. And they do, over and over and over again.

And are they going to win the World Series? Hell yes they are. Forget the "they'll be off for too many days" excuse (besides, teams with 5 days off or more going into a World Series are 7 for 10 at winning it) or the "what if they lose a game?" question. It doesn't matter anymore. This team is winning it all. Period. [100 Percent Injury Rate]

• Colorado Rockies: 2007 National League Champions. This incredible season just got a flag to fly over Coors forever. We are one more crowning achievement away from the ultimate prize, four wins away from a parade through downtown Denver. [Purple Row]

• Christmas In Rock-tober — Rockies World Series Bound. "The art of fiction is dead. Reality has strangled invention. Only the utterly impossible, the inexpressibly fantastic, can ever be plausible again." - Red Smith. You may not dream it, but you always hope for it. And when it comes... boy, ol' Red had it right, as far as I can see. Simply inexpressible. Simply unbelievable. Fiction is dead. So let the truth ring out from the Coors Field clock tower. The Colorado Rockies are National League champions. [Up In The Rockies]

• Thank You. The 2007 baseball season is over for the Arizona Diamondbacks. Not, perhaps, the way we wanted it to a week ago, but I think most of us would agree that it has surpassed expectations. Yes, the series against the Rockies was hugely disappointing, and the manner in which it ended was a real shame, which will take some time to heal. But I can not bring myself to look back upon the 2007 season with anything but fondness. [AZ Snakepit

• D-backs' Season Over. It was a great season, a fantastic division series, and a depressing league championship series. Our boys just couldn't get the hits they needed, and the Rockies beat us the way we beat people all season long. Set your clocks to March 31st. The Diamondbacks open the season playing against the Cincinnati Reds, and we get another shot at winning it all. [Out In The Desert]

• Goodbye, Frank TV. The Rockies' 6-4 win over the Diamondbacks ended the NLCS, and in turn forced us to bid farewell to TBS, and its partner in crime, Frank TV. Good luck to you, Frank and your litany of impersonations. It's too bad — Frank actually does a pretty good Madden and Robin Williams impersonation. But with all the promotion, all the ads, it won't be enough. See, it's over a month until Frank TV actually hits the airwaves. And by then Frank and his crew will be nothing but a distant memory. [Lion In Oil]