Byrning Heat Trailer - New Eric Byrnes Show debuts Sept. 1

All props to ClueHeywood, who sent this in, and adds: "It's kind of funny. Funnier still is that two of those players probably won't be with the team next year."

Byrning Heat Trailer — New Eric Byrnes Show Debuts Sept. 1 [MySpace TV]

First, of course, we had to get a ticket. If you remember the original story (and we know you have it on your fridge), all one had to do to acquire access to the bliss that can only come from being in the same cavernous mallpark as Jessica Simpson was to spend money at Fry's Food and Drug. (Unfortunately, you had to choose food.)

Jessica's glossy face awaits you when you enter the front of the store, beckoning you to gorge on PepsiCo products (which is why you'll need the ProActiv, we assume) to finally be able to grace her presence. We started stacking our cart full of Diet Pepsi and Sobe Water when spotted some fine, fine print:

Did we have enough magical Fry's points to spend on such a titillating offer? No, sadly... we've just moved to this fine clime and therefore have not shopped at Fry's enough (or been to enough Diamondbacks games) to gather the needed points. However, we estimate that it only takes 4-6 weeks of feeding the gaping maws of the little lights of your life to gather up enough Fry's points to make this happen. So now you know the price of getting close enough to Jessica Simpson to see the roots. (Of her country music career.)

Ooh! Chip bowl! Classy.

We had spent enough to get our magical receipt, vesting us with the power to claim a free Jessica Simpson concert ticket (with extra baseball!) by the time we left Fry's. We considered various plots to gather the necessary Fry's points to get closer to the story, but we reconsidered. We weren't actually all that sure how close we wanted to get to the phenomenon. In the end, we chose to stay in the stands and work the general crowd, avoiding the Jessica Simpson fangirls and boys.

Also, we might need those Fry's points for something important someday.

We sprinted out of our home right after Deadspin work last night to make it just in time for the game, though not in time to get in on the Dan Haren bobblehead night. (You owe us a bobblehead, Unsilent!) We weren't overwhelmed with the walkup crowd when we arrived, but we were concerned our magical free ticket may not be available anymore. After all, there may not be a Jessica Simpson explosion in fan attendance, but 'free' tickets to a baseball team in a playoff race are 'free' tickets to a baseball team in a playoff race.

Our concerns were unfounded, though; we snatched up our free ticket with little trouble. The ticket vendor told us that many people had indeed cashed in their receipts and to expect a full upper deck tonight. (What, you didn't think they were giving away the seats they were making money on, did you?)

Sure enough, the upper deck did seem rather full (at least for a Diamondbacks game), but the composition of the crowd struck us. We found ourselves surrounded by families (as you'd expect on a Saturday in the cheap seats) and many pre-teen and teenage girls with questionable interest in the game. Did the Diamondbacks actually get the atypical teenage girl crowd to attend a Saturday night game to see their heroine?

The Diamondbacks did pull out all the stops to lure the girls into becoming baseball fans. They invited the ESPY-laden heroines of college softball after telling their story of carrying an opposing player around the bases.

Jessica herself came out in the fifth to pimp her appearance and put on her best performance of the evening: not cringing at the forced flirting dialogue. ("Sorry; I have a boyfriend. Did I mention I have a boyfriend? He's a football player. He plays sports. I'm dating the quarterback. Do you know my boyfriend?" This would become a theme.)

Also, CDs were given away to certain sections, ones part of the evening's ticket giveaway. (We did not win. Or maybe we did.)

Also, apropos of nothing, we saw this: it's a canine on a chicken with a battering ram beating up a burrito. The kids love that, right?

Unfortunately, the Diamondbacks failed to order up a decent baseball game. Between the Reds' Edinson Volquez fidgeting often on the mound as Dusty Baker rode him hard and put him up wet and then both managers switching to situational pitching bingo in the late innings, the kids around us began to fidget. We secretly rooted for chaos and a 14-inning game to push the start of the concert past midnight.

When the Reds tied the game again in the top of the ninth, we got our wish and thousands of little girls turned to their parents and asked, "Why are they still playing?" Of course, our answer ("only because they're contractually obligated, honey") probably wasn't the appropriate one. Kids lurched between sugar highs (one child a few rows back screamed without apparent external stimulus for a solid 15 minutes) and sugar crashes (weeping, sleeping, and drinkin... wait, those were the adults).

Eventually, though, like all things Dusty, it ended well after it should have with heartbreak all around. The game took four hours to complete 10 innings (!!!), leaving the little darlings waiting for a Jessica Simpson concert until 9:30 local time.

Then the exodus began. At one point, we became concerned that people named "Simpson" might outnumber other people in Chase Field by the time the concert started.

However, as the "stage" was constructed, we noticed the rush for the doors slowing quite considerably. People had moved down to the lower bowl, sure, but there were still many thousands left. (When Miss Simpson stepped up to the stage, she exclaimed, "I didn't expect so many of you to stay!" Neither did we.)


The Fry's VIPs (and is there any more cheapened acronym in America since "RBI"?) filtered onto the field and we were near the moment of truth. How would America's newest country star enter this new stage of her life?

It was at this moment that we realized this would not end well. We did not expect wacky morning DJs. Nothing good can come from wacky morning DJs.

Then the woman of the evening strolls slowly to her stage, sipping from a travel mug and chatting with her handlers. This wasn't a grand introduction; it was an accidental entrance.

She gave an extended introduction to the crowd, managing to mention her boyfriend who plays football a few times. (By the way, the heartiest sounds of the night came from feverishly booing Tony Romo and the Cowboys. She tried to get everyone to agree that hey, we may disagree on the Cowboys, but those Eagles suck, don't they? More boos. Jessica, unless it's reggaeton or Christian rock, it's not a musical football interlude in Phoenix.)

Her sponsors could not have been pleased with what happened next: she sang. Specifically, she sang Nancy Sinatra (so we're getting her Miss Piggy duet?) and then launched into her own tunes. At first, the sound system robbed us of the ability to hear her, but then someone ruined that. She caterwauled, yodeled, and shouted various lyrics breathlessly in a manner that would have cleared the place out if...

... well, actually, she did. As it turned out, the bulk of the "concertgoers" had been gawkers from the game, wondering what to expect from the ingenue emeritus. Once they got a sample (and possibly got in a few mocking shots), they bolted for the exits as if a Marlins game broke out.

Honestly, she tried so hard that our heart broke for her. She flailed wildly, trying to show emotion and effort. She even almost memorized the banter between songs, only failing when asked to tell us which two songs she's loved for so many years that she stole from to make her own song. (By the way, "stole" was her word.) She was simply awful, though.

She really only seemed to be genuinely speaking for herself when she talked about her boyfriend and the song she wrote for her boyfriend and she loves her boyfriend. (Of course, according to at least one Philly fan, she might be misguided there, too.)

We stuck it out for a few more songs, hoping for... well, we don't know. Anything to make a happy ending. It didn't happen. When we slipped down to the lower level, one of the ushers shrugged at me and said, "I hope she doesn't plan on selling any albums."

However, the Diamondbacks possibly sold baseball to a few more families they need to build a fan base that nearly disappeared in 2004 Also, Jessica might have pulled in a few more fans for her new album and we all know the value of the publicity. Even PepsiCo and Fry's got to associate themselves with sexy wholesomeness. So from a polished and calculated corporate synergistic standpoint, we suppose it wasn't a total loss.

On the other hand, all we saw last night was a young woman way in over her head trying her damnedest to hit her spots and sing many of the prescribed notes and name drop as many people as possible to prove to everyone (and especially herself) she belonged wherever she thought she was last night. We really didn't expect that part.

It was Sept. 17, 1920, to be exact, when Bobby Veach of the Detroit Tigers and George Burns of the New York Giants did it, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. I'll give you a minute to dig out both of those baseball cards from your collection before I continue.

Beltre homered in the second, had a run-scoring single in the fourth, doubled in the seventh and tripled in the eighth. He also had another single, missing a six-hit game when he grounded out in the ninth. Seattle beat Texas 12-6. Drew singled in the first, tripled in the third, homered in the fifth and had a ground rule double in the seventh. He also finished with five hits. It was the first-ever cycle at Chase Field.

And, of course, only Drew's really meant anything. Arizona beat St. Louis 8-6, keeping the Diamondbacks 2 1/2 games ahead of the Dodgers in the NL West. LA beat San Diego 5-2 on Monday. Seattle, meanwhile, is 29 1/2 games behind the Angels in the AL West; not quite mathematically eliminated, but close.

Now, what exactly happens when you fracture a testicle? According to this handy breakdown on eMedicine, it's a rip or tear in the "tunica albuginea resulting in extrusion of the testicular contents." At first glance, "tunica albuginea" sounds like an exotic dining room paint color or prehistoric fish, but it's actually a "layer of connective tissue covering of the testicles." You need that, if you'd like your testicles to thrive, function, and not end up in your chest cavity each time you sit down. So, that's what he's getting fixed.

D-backs Place Byrnes, Snyder On DL [MLB]

Testicular Trauma [eMedicine]

• Hank is happy again. Mike Mussina put together another solid start and the Yankees rode it to 6-1 victory over the struggling Mariners. Things could be going better for New York's pitching staff, but Hank must be happy to see his veterans holding steady while the younger find their way. The Yankees pounded out 13 hits on the day, 12 of which came off of Seattle's King Felix in 5.2 innings of work.

• The NL West is raking. James Loney was the hero last night in LA's 12-7 win in Colorado. The young first baseman matched Ojeda for the night's lead in RBI with six on just two hits, a double and a home run. Hong-Chin Kuo picked up his first win of the year, while striking out five in relief of Esteban Loaiza. Jorge De La Rosa took the loss for the Rockies, surrendering nine runs in four innings. Stupid humidifier.

Zito was staked to a 3-0 lead over the Diamondbacks and of course lost it — pitcher Brandon Webb adding to the torment by crushing a two-run double — lasting only 3 2/3 innings in Arizona's 5-4 victory. And so, as any schoolchild knows, Webb is now 5-0 and Zito 0-5, making that oven look like a mighty inviting place for manager Bruce Bochy to lay his weary head. Zito, who has legally changed his middle name to "Tweak My Mechanics," now has an ERA of 5.61. Hey, there's only five years remaining on his $126 million contract, so there's nowhere to go but up! Here's how the McCovey Chronicles views the situation. And one of their commenters chimes in with this. Nice. Oh, that Zito quote, as told to the Chronicle:

"We came out and we capitalized on Webb's mistakes. They gave me a lead of 3-0, and I feel like shit. I let them back in the game. I gave them two runs in a shutdown inning, and then I went out in the fourth and gave up a hit to Webb."

Webb still isn't hitting .130, but his five wins match the total of the Giants' starting rotation. He allowed three runs and nine hits over six innings, striking out seven. The Diamondbacks are 15-5 and lead the NL West by six games. They never led by more than five in winning the division last season.

• Mystery Science Theater 3000. John Smoltz became the first player in baseball history to receive a congratulatory text message on getting his 3,000th career strikeout — it came from BFF Greg Maddux, LOL — but the Braves still lost to the Nationals 6-0. Smoltz is now No. 16 on the list. Willie Harris' RBI double in the second gave the Nationals a 1-0 lead, and John Lannan got the win.

• A Royal Ass-Kicking. Troubled by lackluster sales of their team calendar, the Kansas City Royals surrendered to C.C. Sabathia and the Indians, 15-1, on Tuesday. Sabathia had 11 strikeouts and was supported by 17 hits, led by Casey Blake, who was 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.

• Dustin Time, I Found You Dustin Time. Josh Beckett was scratched just before game time with a stiff neck, but the Red Sox won their sixth straight anyway, 7-6 over the Angels. Dustin Pedroia had a tiebreaking, run-scoring double in the eighth. Still, all of that is no excuse for this very disturbing image. Nightmare Fuel tag ... activate!

• Pitch Perfect. Shall we exult over the Pirates' win? Yes, let's. It's not often that one of their pitchers isn't used for batting practice, but Paul Maholm was not to be trifled with on Tuesday, holding the Marlins to one run and four hits over six innings in a 3-2 win.

He continued to pitch, with the embarrassment of giving up six runs after the first inning, and actually made it all the way to the seventh inning, allowing his bullpen to pitch just one inning. If there was a category of respect you never gave Greg Maddux before ("Well, sure, he's great at defense, pitching, pitching in the playoffs ... but how does he handle getting his ass beat the day after his team plays a 22 inning game? Heh?!), then consider your Bingo card completely filled.

Also, credit goes to Arizona's Conor Jackson, who could have batted for the cycle in the fifth inning by casually strolling to second for his double, but he stretched that into his second triple of the night.

It's Always Those Last 12 Runs That Getcha. Kansas City was looking to steal a game in Oakland behind Brian Bannister, but Mr. Staircase Support didn't get a lot of run support. And his 2-1 lead evaporated in the sixth inning behind four Oakland runs. Then the game got all nutty with eight more in the eighth for a 13-2 demolishing of the Royales with cheese. Bobby Crosby had two doubles and a 3-run home run for 5 RBI in all, and Chad Gaudin pitched seven, struck out eight, and allowed just six baserunners.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say "It's Only April?" The Baltimore Orioles still have a better record than the Yankees. Certainly that'll change once they start playing th.. oh. Baltimore welcomed in N'yawk and then rickrolled them by roughing up Phil Hughes en route to an 8-2 victory. The only guy who knocked in runs for the Yankees was — good thing you didn't place bets on this one — Chad Moeller. Daniel Cabrera was good enough in his start, walking just two batters, far lower than the manager's pre-game target number of 18 walks for the control-stricken hurler.

So, They're Awesome Again, Until Further Beatdowns, Correct? I can't keep track of all these large-margin games for the Tigers. Either they're "in trouble" or "World Series contenders." There can't possibly be any middle ground here. Last night Kenny Rogers found enough magic thumb solvent to stifle the Jays for just four runs over 6 1/3 innings, then prayed that the Tigers brought their wooden bats and not the delicious tubes of cotton candy. Edgar Renteria had a two-run home run and the Tigers lineup had 7 doubles in their 8-4 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. Wooden bats.

Mommy, The Weekday Editors Are Fighting Again. With the Cardinals taking it to the Metaphorically-Sized Giants 11-1 last night, I have to wonder if Will's team beating Rick's team will have any lingering effects once they return to the writing grounds on Monday. I don't want any awkward posts between them. Matt Cain couldn't escape the fourth inning, where Albert Pujols layethed the "run of home" into the stands, and Todd Wellemeyer is now 2-0 after an impressive start against the Giants lineup. Because if you look closely, there a couple of baseball players in that Giants lineup. No, don't go searching for them now. You've got chores to do, young man.

But back to the Snakes. If there is one team that has the potential to wrap up its division race by June, it's the Diamondbacks. At 11-4, they're three up on second-place San Diego, the largest margin in the majors. Webb — the only four-game winner in the majors — was brilliant (I was there; and even though seated pretty far away, that sinker is impressive). Giants' hitting coach Carney Lansford: "He's a good pitcher, but if you make him get his sinker up you can hit him. You have to execute your game plan and not chase so many pitches out of the zone. You just can't do that. You've got to be disciplined against a pitcher like that." And Lansford knows what he's talking about; he's one of only 12 players who has played in both the Major League World Series (1988, '89, '90) and the Little League World Series (1969). Webb had a two-run single for the Diamondbacks, and Eric Byrnes had a run-scoring double. To recap: Webb, 4-0, 1.86 ERA, 22 strikeouts, eight walks, 2008 salary: $5.5 million; Zito, 0-4, 4.50 ERA, eight strikeouts, nine walks. 2008 salary: $14.5 million.

• Anyone Aware That The Yankees Played The Red Sox? Alex Rodriguez hit his 522nd home run to pass Ted Williams and Willie McCovey for 15th place on the career list, as the Yankees beat the Red Sox 15-9. It was the most runs for the Yankees at home vs. the Red Sox since 1954, and took 4 hours, 8 minutes to complete. New York outhit Boston 16-14. Here are the rest of the gory details, or just tune in to ESPN, which is still talking about it.

• This Meeting Of The Gil Meche Fan Club Will Come To Order. Freakin' Royals. Gil Meche got his first win, 3-2 over the Angels, as KC remained a half-game behind first-place Chicago in the Central. Billy Butler and Alex Gordon had run-scoring singles in the first, and Joey Gathright scored on Jered Weaver's error in the second.

• Orare Pro Me Ad Dominum Deum Nostrum. Amen. Cardinals win! Oh sorry, not those Cardinals. (Bishops?) Anyway, while the Pope was watching the Mets beat the Nationals 5-2 in D.C. (you couldn't drag him away from the chili nachos on the concourse level), Adam Wainwright proved that he, too was infallible. Wainwright went seven-plus innings and homered as St. Louis topped Milwaukee 5-4. CORRECTION: The Pope was at Nationals Stadium; the game was at Shea. He still went crazy with the nacho cheese pump.

• The Bridge To C.C. Sabathia. Edgar Renteria had a grand slam and Miguel Cabrera homered and had five RBI as the Tigers won their third straight, 13-2 over Cleveland and starter C.C. Sabathia. Good thing I didn't write them off or anything.

Anyway, off to the NL West.

1. Arizona Diamondbacks. We don't think the Pythagorean people are going to have a problem with them this year.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers. This should be the one year in his contract in which Torre stays awake.
3. Colorado Rockies. We know it seems strange to say a team that just went to the World Series is one year away, but ... we think they're a year away.
4. San Diego Padres. We will always love the guy, but ... Jim Edmonds is the impact offseason bat? Really?
5. San Francisco Giants: Easiest pick in all of baseball. Oh, and don't ask about Bonds.

That's ours; jumbled division. Yours?

Tomorrow: The National League East.

Jim McLennan grew up in Britain so never saw live baseball for the first three decades of his life. He's making up for it now, and rants, on a daily basis, about the Arizona Diamondbacks over at AZSnakePit.com. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

If any Arizona fan tries to tell you last year was expected to happen, don't believe them. Just about everything about 2007 was a surprise: Arizona's offense fizzled, our bullpen proved a tower of inconceivable strength and we survived the loss of Randy Johnson, while Doug Davis and Livan Hernandez pitched out of trouble with cheerful abandon, both men apparently pitching permanently from the stretch. Despite playing in a hitter-friendly park, we had the lowest average in the NL, scored 20 runs less than our opponents and still managed to post the best record in the league. We then swept the Cubs in three delicious games - more on them later - and though the wheels fell off the Saguaromobile in the Championship series, the season can only be described as exceeding all expectations.

More of the same in 2008? I certainly hope not. My digestive tract can not cope with another year of 52 one-run games, accompanied by six more months of every statistical analyst on the planet telling us we shouldn't be winning. No: this year, I want the Diamondbacks offense to be what we thought it would be last year, and then some, while Randy Johnson's back should possess the suppleness of a well-oiled young willow, and Dan Haren joins Brandon Webb at the top of the rotation to form a 1-2 punch unrivaled in the majors. KTHXBAI.

Wishful thinking aside, there does seem ground for optimism. Most of the roster return from last year, with the majority young enough that they'll be better, simply through age and experience. The few changes are indisputably improvements, most notably replacing Hernandez with Haren in the rotation, a move not far short of the Mets acquisition of Johan Santana, as far as impact. Sure, the D-backs sold a good chunk of the farm to do it, but with the exception of 2B Orlando Hudson, the entire starting lineup is signed at least through 2010. Given that, hoarding prospects was pointless - after all, you don't get any additional wins for having a really-good Triple-A roster.

Certainly, the Arizona rotation is a thing of potential beauty. Webb will likely be one of the Cy Young candidates again, while Haren started the All-Star game for the American League last year. Randy Johnson's back is once again a question mark, but apparently feels much better than last year, and Davis will walk far too many people, yet somehow escape. Then there's Micah Owings, who might be the best-hitting pitcher since Babe Ruth last took the mound - just ask the Braves, against whom he went 4-for-5 with two homers and six RBI, plus seven innings of three-hit ball in a game last August.

We should, hopefully, not be relying on the bats of our pitchers this year, and if there's an area where the D-backs really need to improve, it's at the plate. It was a young team, and it showed: in particular, shortstop Stephen Drew and right-fielder Carlos Quentin were weak spots. Quentin has gone, swapped for an A-ball player who became part of the Haren deal, and is replaced by phenom Justin Upton. The list of 20-year olds who played full-time in the majors of late is short: in fact, over the past fifteen years, it's Adrian Beltre, Andruw Jones and A-Rod. Upton is that good, potentially. Drew remains, though may find some of his playing time given to Chris Burke if he struggles again.

Elsewhere, Chris Young's 32-homer rookie season led the team, stealing 27 bases to go with them - just don't look at the 141 strikeouts or the on-base percentage which ended at only .295. It was notable that a lot of the Arizona players had significantly better second halves; 1B Conor Jackson and C Chris Snyder, in particular. I would hate to point fingers, but do note that the D-backs fired their hitting coach, Kevin Seitzer, at the All-Star break. The team added 38 points of OPS in the second half, with September being the offense's best month, by quite some distance. Here's to more of that in 2008.

The bullpen kicked ass, with just about every member outperforming all expectations, capped by Jose Valverde, who led the majors in saves, and also in opposing fans irritated, thanks to his patented post-save celebrations. He's now gone, traded to the Astros, so we'll get to see what life is like on the receiving end this year. Replacing him is Brandon Lyon, almost the anti-Valverde: far less demonstrative, and possessing four decent but not overpowering pitches, rare for closers, who usually dominate with two. I'm hoping our relief corps get given some more runs to play with, but they should be reliable, and the addition of Chad Qualls will help plug the gap left by Valverde.

It is kinda scary to think that veteran presence and leadership in the Arizona clubhouse will now be supplied by Hudson and Byrnes. This is because Tony Clark left the D-backs contract offer on the table while shopping around, only for it to be withdrawn. (He ended up getting a shorter, less well-paid deal with the Padres, for whom Adrian Gonzalez played 161 games at first-base. Clark's ass may well have fused with the pine on the Petco bench by season's end.) One suspects that things will go well, as long as things are going well - but as we saw at the All-Star Game, he couldn't even control his dog. Can a man driving a 2005 GMC van, which Byrnes calls the "shaggin' wagon," really command respect from his teammates?

One good step forward is the feeling that the D-backs are finally building rivalries with other teams. The Rockies are probably the most likely contenders, with both organizations building from within, and on a limited budget: there is some dislike there, with Troy Tulowitzki a particular lightning-rod for hatred. The problem is that it's still too "nice," though the hurling of bottles onto the field at Chase, after a questionable umpiring decision in the NLCS, certainly showed that the fans in Arizona could be provoked into passion, albeit not perhaps in a manner approved by Bud Selig.

For, let's be honest, Phoenix is a town of fickle, frontrunning fans - an inevitable result of being a city where almost everyone is from somewhere else and brings their loyalties with them. Nowhere is this more apparent when the Cubs come to town and all their fans living in Arizona suddenly come out of the woodwork. [I got a lot of flak during the season for observing how it was odd they feel such fierce loyalty to Chicago, yet apparently have no desire to live there...] But I have to say, something about the late-August series against Chicago galvanized the local fans, and by the time of the playoff series, Chase Field was no longer Wrigley South. Here's to more of that in 2008 as well.

The NL West promises, once again, to be among the tightest divisions in baseball - save the Giants, who will suck in a manner you'd expect, given the replacement of Barry Bonds in the cleanup spot by Bengie Molina. But I think the addition of Haren has kept the Diamondbacks at the front of the pack, and if the offense can perform even adequately, our pitching staff will do more than keep us in most games. Unlike last season, you won't find Arizona at 66/1 for the World Series this year, and if the anticipated division title occurs again, no-one will fancy facing Webb and Haren, with a side-order of Big Unit, in the playoffs.

The Chicago Sun-Times brings home the money quote:

"I'd prefer not to have a grown man standing there looking at my pickle, but if they have to do it for the sake of the game, I'm in. They watch the whole thing."

It's a good thing men are administering the drug tests, though. If it were women, more than likely it'd be impossible to keep that thing down on a regular basis. Although that seems like the kind of endurance test that the WACKY AND COLORFUL Eric Byrnes might enjoy.

First In Line [Chicago Sun-Times] (fourth item down)

Hey, whatever works.

Micah Owings' bat could get a little more play next season, and we're not just talking about pinch-hitting appearances. Owings, who last season made 27 starts out of the Diamondbacks' rotation and posted a 4.30 ERA, could find his way onto the field, perhaps at first base. "It's potentially, depending on how our roster looks, an option," manager Bob Melvin said Tuesday during a Q&A session with reporters.

As much as we might enjoy a Brooks Kieschnick situation, we know, oh how we know, that sometimes this doesn't turn out the way one might hope. It might be fun to see, though; we bet he hits better than Cesar freaking Izturis.

Diamondbacks Look At Interesting First Base Option [Cobra Brigade]

• The Rockies Have Saved Me From My Wicked Ways. I shall never again doubt wild card teams that come from the NL West. Once again the Rockies made all the right moves, including a balls of steel move by Hurdle to bring in a rookie pinch hitter in the bottom of the 4th. Naturally he blooped a 1-2 pitch to left for a double. And you knew it was going to happen. It was like God preordained it, including the subsequent D-Backs error that led to 4 more runs. That's the weird thing about the Rockies. They're literally playing on another plane, and it's actually tangible. While Boston fans piss and moan and expect failure, this Rockies team exudes such a unreal level of confidence that even casual observers watching this team play have a firm belief that they'll win. And they do, over and over and over again.

And are they going to win the World Series? Hell yes they are. Forget the "they'll be off for too many days" excuse (besides, teams with 5 days off or more going into a World Series are 7 for 10 at winning it) or the "what if they lose a game?" question. It doesn't matter anymore. This team is winning it all. Period. [100 Percent Injury Rate]

• Colorado Rockies: 2007 National League Champions. This incredible season just got a flag to fly over Coors forever. We are one more crowning achievement away from the ultimate prize, four wins away from a parade through downtown Denver. [Purple Row]

• Christmas In Rock-tober — Rockies World Series Bound. "The art of fiction is dead. Reality has strangled invention. Only the utterly impossible, the inexpressibly fantastic, can ever be plausible again." - Red Smith. You may not dream it, but you always hope for it. And when it comes... boy, ol' Red had it right, as far as I can see. Simply inexpressible. Simply unbelievable. Fiction is dead. So let the truth ring out from the Coors Field clock tower. The Colorado Rockies are National League champions. [Up In The Rockies]

• Thank You. The 2007 baseball season is over for the Arizona Diamondbacks. Not, perhaps, the way we wanted it to a week ago, but I think most of us would agree that it has surpassed expectations. Yes, the series against the Rockies was hugely disappointing, and the manner in which it ended was a real shame, which will take some time to heal. But I can not bring myself to look back upon the 2007 season with anything but fondness. [AZ Snakepit

• D-backs' Season Over. It was a great season, a fantastic division series, and a depressing league championship series. Our boys just couldn't get the hits they needed, and the Rockies beat us the way we beat people all season long. Set your clocks to March 31st. The Diamondbacks open the season playing against the Cincinnati Reds, and we get another shot at winning it all. [Out In The Desert]

• Goodbye, Frank TV. The Rockies' 6-4 win over the Diamondbacks ended the NLCS, and in turn forced us to bid farewell to TBS, and its partner in crime, Frank TV. Good luck to you, Frank and your litany of impersonations. It's too bad — Frank actually does a pretty good Madden and Robin Williams impersonation. But with all the promotion, all the ads, it won't be enough. See, it's over a month until Frank TV actually hits the airwaves. And by then Frank and his crew will be nothing but a distant memory. [Lion In Oil]

The game is starting at 10 p.m. on TBS, and because the network is only showing the NLCS games, tonight might be your last chance to watch those Frank TV advertisements. Boy, do we ever know what we're tuning in to come November!

On the whole, this is the type of series that makes Jayson Stark's head explode, which is always entertaining. (We like Stark, actually, though we still miss the mustache.) The man trying to send the Rockies to baseball's grandest stage is Franklin Morales, a man who has been able to legally drink for nine months. He faces the world's greatest hitting pitcher, Micah Owings. Perhaps it's best for everyone if this series finishes up tonight; it might just make everyone a little easier, and help everybody — including those idiots writing baseball columns every night before waking up at 7 to run a sports Web site — sneak in a little more sleep.

• This Just Plain Rox. The Colorado Rockies are one win away from a National League pennant. Eric Byrnes can call it luck. Rockies fans can call it destiny. Baseball analysts can try to explain the Rockies 20-1 run and yet fail to come up with the right word for it. Personally, I'll stick with absolutes. The Rox have a 3-0 lead on the Diamondbacks. They need one win for a pennant, five wins for a World Series championship. None of that seems out of the realm of possibility, despite the past 28 days seeming entirely beyond that realm. [Up In The Rockies]

• Gameday Thread 10/14. Quote of the Day: "I'm sure you guys are all probably writing us off; I don't blame you," he said. "We haven't done a whole lot to make you guys think we're going to win this series. I think we're a good team. I also don't think the Rockies have outplayed us, because they haven't. Not even close. They've had a little luck go their way. Definitely the ball has bounced in their direction. They've been the beneficiary of some calls." — Eric Byrnes [AZ Snakepit]

• Rockies Win! Up 3-0 In LCS!. In a game that should never have been a) scheduled as a night game and b) played at all given the conditions, the Rockies continued the RockStreak by beating the obviously disheartened Diamondbacks, winning the 20th of their last 21 games. Josh Fogg pitched way over his head, giving up only one run in 6 innings, no doubt aided by wet balls and turf. Yorvit Torrealba provided all of the offense needed with a 3-run homer in the 6th. [The Denver Baseball Observer]

• Rockies Win It For Kids. Nothing can stop the Rockies anymore. Not rain, sleet or snow. They're a force of nature that doesn't even have time to touch home as they race on to victory. Plus they win for the kids. Anyway they've already won the NLCS, and I'd be surprised if Arizona manages to win tonight. [100 Percent Injury Rate]

• The Sky Is Blue, Water Is Wet And The Rockies Win. Colorado has now won 20 of 21, which is like running a four-minute mile and then beating Garry Kasparov in chess. Nobody has the — bad pun alert — Foggiest clue how the Rockies are doing it, but Eric Young, in between clichés, probably said it best last night on ESPN: "They know they good." [The Big Lead]

• NLCS Game 3. Lots of storylines for this one. You can try guessing Livan Hernandez's age, or his weight. You could try and list Game 3 starters for playoff teams up 2-0 less imposing than Josh Fogg. You can start speculating as to which long-dead god Clint Hurdle sacrificed his firstborn to in exchange for his sudden powers of divination. You can search for a reason Eric Byrnes' best efforts to prop back up the dying Diamondbacks clubhouse involved his shagging flyballs from the top half of the Rockpile at Coors Field (my guess: Byrnes wanted us all to get used to throws of his not quite making the infield dirt). [Bad Altitude]

What the Rockies are doing is unprecedented of course, but what's really striking is that they don't seem to be breaking much of a sweat. There wasn't a moment last night in which you weren't convinced that Colorado was going to win. There was no drama, not much doubt; when the game was tied, it felt like the Rockies were up by three runs. And when they were up by three, it felt like six. And we're talking about the Colorado Rockies. They might be sucking the drama out of their games, but a winning team wouldn't have it any other way. They've got a chance to clinch a trip the World Series this evening. We're not even sure Bob Melvin doubts, at this point, that it will happen.

The Joy Of The Steamroll [Fair And Foul]

(Getty Images Photo)

The Rockies look to continue their remarkable run — 19 out of 20 (!) — and remain unbeaten in the postseason as they play host to the Diamondbacks in Game 3 of the National League Championship series tonight (8:30 pm EDT, TBS). Your starters are Livan Hernandez for the D-Backs and Josh Fogg for the Rox. This probaby goes without saying, but tonight is definitely a must-wi— Right. Without saying.

Since 1985 — when the LCS switched to a best-of-seven format — 17 teams have fallen behind 0-2. Only three of those teams came back to win the series: the Cardinals and Royals in '85 and the Red Sox in '04. And to twist the knife a little deeper: All three of those teams lost their first two games on the road. The D-Backs are screwed. I'd just give up if I were them; save that energy for the links, you know?

But hey, enjoy the game, guys and girls ... and thanks for the fun weekend. Go Rockies!

• And Speaking Of Sweeps. Two important things happened in this game: first, the Snakes' defense failed in the second, giving the Rockies an unearned run and the early lead. That was erased soon enough in the in the third, when Arizona scored one of their own to tie it. Second, both closers — Manny Corpas and Jose Valverde — crumbled at the wrong time, and in Arizona's case, it turned out that Bob Melvin couldn't pull the trigger on a pitching change fast enough when Valverde, in his second inning of work, gave up a bases-loaded walk in the 11th. Without looking, I'm not convinced he had no better options (Doug Slaten had been warming up), but maybe he's learned a lesson. [6-4-2]

• Walk This Way. In a way, the Rockies are turning the tables on the Diamondbacks. Arizona posted a higher batting average, OBA and slugging percentage in the two games, but Colorado out-scored them 8-3. The DBacks had four runners removed via double plays, caught stealing and Drew blunder. When teams aren't putting a lot of people on in the first place, you can't afford to lose potential runs. The Rockies only hit into one double play so far. [Baseball Musings]

• Rocks Move To Two Wins Away From World Series. Nobody Notices. I don't know, maybe it's just that the Rockies have been winning so much lately that it's not really news any more when they win, again, in dramatic fashion. But if the Rockies win two more games against the Diamondbacks and get to the World Series for the first time in their history ... will they be the most anonymous World Series team in history? [Up in the Rockies]

• Arizona Diamondbacks Teeter On Brink Of Elimination. Geeeeez, can anything go more right for the Rockies and more wrong for the D-backs? D-backs got not one check swing call in their favor the whole night, a lot of controversial ball strike calls, and even though their hitting much better than the Rockies, the Rockies seem to tap the ball to perfect spots while the D-Backs line balls right to positional players. I am absolutely steaming right now and am looking forward to the Cards game on Sunday. [comment at Arizona Sports Fans Network]

• The Rockies Are Out of Control. Make that 19 of 20 and chalk it up to effing awesome. [Babes Love Baseball]

• Morning Wood: The Haiku Edition ...

The snakes, defanged, hiss.
The mountains greet Valverde.
Hit. Walk. Walk. Walk. Win.

[Foul Balls]

Yeah, make no mistake about it, folks, there are angels in that Colorado outfield. How else do you explain Taveras sprinting 125 feet in about five seconds to absolutely rob Tony Clark of a would be game-changing seventh-inning hit? How!?!? Exactly. (Points to the sky.)

Four innings later, it was Jose Valverde — Ha-ha! — walking Taveras on four straight pitches with the bases jacked in the 11th. Rockies 3, D-backs 2. Game. And just like that Cinderella is two wins away from the World Series.

Black Jesus is good, Purple God is better.

Rox Walk Over D-Backs To 2-0 NLCS Lead [Up in the Rockies]
Suns Star Stoudemire Showing His Civic Pride ... [SPORTSbyBROOKS]

• The Rockies sure looked good last night as they beat the D-backs pretty convincingly without getting a single extra-base hit. That means they've now won their last 43 road games in a row. This team is HOT! In all honesty though, the Rockies actually look like they can beat whoever wins the ALCS. The D-backs would have no chance against either Cleveland or Boston. Too little hitting, not enough pitching. But the Rockies resemble an AL team right now. Great pitching, great hitting, great chemistry. If they reach the World Series (they will), they'll have a better shot at winning it than most people will probably give them. [100 Percent Injury Rate]

• Always Something There To Remind Me. Thursday night's Game One of the NLCS featured a key play where Justin Upton got Augie Ojeda called out for interference on a slide at second base. Gee, does that look familiar to you? It's like Total Recall, except Sharon Stone isn't in your bathroom taking a shower. Damn you C.B. Bucknor. [The Musings and Prophecies of Metstradamus]

• Umps Get It Right; Hal McRae Rule Appears In NLCS. Second base umpire Larry Vanover called interference on Upton and Ojeda was out. Major League Baseball banned this in 1978 after Kansas City Royals designated hitter Hal McRae used the tactic on New York Yankees second baseman Willie Randolph in the 1977 American League Championship Series. [Sports and Ethics]

• Back In The Saddle. Not a lot of teams have a lot of success against the Diamondbacks' Brandon Webb. I think we just battle. If you notice, we didn't go out tonight and just crush the ball all over the field. We just got some timely hits and we were able to string some good at-bats together. [Todd Helton's Playoff Blog]

• With God On Their Side. Now that we know that the Colorado Rockies are essentially a religious cult, this gives the Diamondbacks the perfect opportunity to unnerve them in the upcoming Championship Series. Here are just a few suggestions that should give Arizona the upper hand. 1) The D-Backs logo behind home plate to be replaced by a pentagram. 2) Each batter walks out to Black Sabbath's "Nativity in Black". 3) The first pitch to be thrown out by Marilyn Manson. 4) "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" to be replaced by "Sympathy for the Devil".[Arizona Via Slough].

• The Slide. The extra effort by Justin was unnecessary. Matsui was backpedaling, reducing his chance of getting off a bad throw. The good part of the slide already broke up the double play. The HBP upset Upton, as did Tulowitzki's scolding. Justin probably had just a little too much adrenaline going into second base. A rookie mistake. [Baseball Musings]

• Inside Vegas: Championship Series Edition. OK, how many had money on Brandon Webb to win the NLCS MVP? [Vegas Watch]

• Live Blogging The NLCS: Kaz Matsui Will Beat You Up, Sucka! 10:59 Something's happening now! Unhappy with the interference call, fans pelt the field with water bottles and paper wrappers. Umpires halt the game, and of course, Rockies manager Clint Hurdle pulls his team off the field, heightening the spectacle. Very crass and tasteless D-Backs fans. ... 11:02 So the water-bottle pelters are getting booked. Perhaps if the fans showed some blood actually pumps through their veins earlier in the game, the D-Backs would still be in it. [UmpBump]

It was, without question, not a proud night for Arizona Diamondbacks fans; as Viva El Birdos put it, "nice show by the phoenix faithful in game 1 of the nlcs —- don't fill the seats, then chuck trash on the field when your team loses. classy." Meanwhile, the Rockies can do no wrong whatsoever. It's kind of unfathomable, really. The Rockies have never won 18 of 19 in their history, and now they've done it at the best possible time. Their playoff run is like watching the Jordan Bulls in the postseason; their opponent is gonna start feeling relieved if they can pull off one win.

And this is the Colorado Rockies we're talking about.

Explaining The Rockies Roll [Fair And Foul]
friday pot luck [Viva El Birdos]

(Getty Images Photo)

Finally, we're back rocking tonight, with Game 1 of the National League Championship Series. (The Cardinals only have another week as National League Champions. Sad.) We're in Arizona, which will be hopping if it's actually full. Your pitchers are Brandon Webb for the Diamondbacks and Jeff Francis for the Rockies. This game seems a heckuva lot more important for Arizona than for Colorado; falling behind 1-0, at home, having used their stud starter ... that could spell badness for the D-Backs. That said, we do enjoy having the first ever NLCS featuring states, rather than cities. Enjoy the game.

But yeah: The excitement is so fevered that they might even sell out this game. Crazy, right? We also enjoy that fans will have to leave work early to make it to these games on time. Meanwhile, we out here on the East Coast won't be asleep before 2 a.m. for two weeks.

A look at predictions from around the Internets:

• CoolStandings: Rockies in five.
• Keith Law: Rockies in six.
• Baseball Prospectus: Diamondbacks in seven.
• Rob Neyer: Rockies in six.
• Jeff Passan: Diamondbacks in seven.
• DEADSPIN: Diamondbacks in seven. We have a feeling this series is going to be epic, and Brandon Webb's gonna win three games.

Thoughts?

• AZ Snakepit: "Meanwhile, the Arizona Diamondbacks laugh, move along, and keep right on winning. To quote the great philosopher Eric Byrnes, "Sometimes every now and then there are teams out there that defy the numbers. We seem to be one of those teams. This is one of those things you can't really explain other than the fact that there are 25 guys in here who know how to win baseball games." Rather than whining about this, and saying the playoffs "deserve better", I would think any neutral fan would celebrate the team's slaughtering of the Run Differential sacred cow. Because sometimes, a reminder that we really don't know everything, is a refreshing thing."

• Life, Baseball And Eric Byrnes: "No one, including me, expected you to be here this year. The greatest pleasure is in doing things others say you cannot do."

• AZ Sports Hub: "Every step of the way this team has reveled in the underdog role performing best when no one expected anything of them so why should it stop now? Playing the Rockies in the NLCS was probably the best thing for this team. Why you ask? Because by playing the Rockies the D-backs aren't the Cinderella story. They aren't the main focus and they aren't a big deal. They and their run don't dominate the headlines like the Colorado and it means they can continue with their laid back attitude and say "hey no one believes in us except for the 25 guys in this clubhouse". It breads team work and togetherness and that's what this team has run on all year."

The Cubs fans are already tossing out the buzzwords.

In a five game series, anything can happen. It just doesn't look like "anything" will consist of a Cubs win on the road this time around. Right now my emotions are ranging between disappointed and antagonized, and I have to admit, I've already started thinking about next year a little bit.

That's the pluck we like to see! Heck, maybe Mark Prior can be a key piece of the run. The Cubs do have the advantage of facing the 90-year-old Livan Hernandez in Wrigley on Saturday. We suggest having Ditka sing the seventh-inning stretch again. Can't hurt.

The Ice Man Sucketh [Goat Riders Of The Apocalypse]

Sure, Zambrano had looked great. But so had Brandon Webb, who's the real reason Arizona won. Zambrano is notoriously fragile in the brain, and giving up the winning run might have caused him more trouble than overextending his arm might have. Also, Carlos Marmol is awesome, though he wasn't last night. It just didn't work out that way.

Do you really want a guy like the Dustbag, who can only think one game (hell, one minute) at a time, or do you want someone who can see the big picture? Lou knows, that if our hitters start hitting, there WILL be a Game 4, and we are actually set up better for Game 4 than if he wrung Zambrano out for every last pitch he had. He also knows what he has with Marmol, and maybe when the chests get tight and men reach for their nutsacks, maybe instead of reflexively reaching for Marmol, he insteads opts for Wood or Howry.

We are a bit bewildered by the histrionics of Piniella's move. Of the three teams who lost yesterday, the Cubs would seem to be in the best shape. The Phillies are down 1-0 at home, and the Angels just looked bedazzled. The Cubs lost to the best pitcher in baseball. It happens. Now if they lose tonight, it's probably time to freak out. Not that Cubs fans would ever do that.

Gordon Wittemeyer Has Proven He Is A Witless Ninny [Goat Riders Of The Apocalypse]

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're gonna go adjust our countdown clock for the debut of Frank TV. That Rich Little is awesome. Jack Nicholson? Hilarious!

(AP Photo)

Tonight and tomorrow, HoHoKam will be hosting a viewing party for the Cubs-Diamondbacks games. And they're even allowing D-Backs fans to come!

Hohokam serves as the Cactus League home for the Cubs, who usually lead the league in attendance, so expect a lot of Cub fans at the event. Cubs memorabilia will be available, but Diamondbacks fans also are welcome.

"The city is happy to provide a low-cost, family-oriented option to watch the game," said Dave Dunne, Hohokam Stadium director. "It's like going to a drive-in and watching a baseball game."

We know the D-Backs have a lot of loyal fans ... but we can't imagine a big viewing party for Angels fans out at Lake Quinsigamond in Worcester.

Fans Can Watch D-backs, Cubs At Hohokam Stadium [Arizona Republic]

And we realize that makes us sound like a Yankees fan. And that's even more terrifying.

A look at predictions from around the Internets:

• CoolStandings: Cubs in four.
• AJ Daulerio: Cubs in five.
• Keith Law: Cubs in five.
• Will Carroll: Diamondbacks in five.
• Peter Gammons: Cubs in four.
• Viva El Birdos: Cubs in five.
• Jeff Passan: Cubs in four.
• Jeff Pearlman: Cubs in four.
• Jayson Stark: Cubs in five.
• Buster Olney: Cubs in four.
• DEADSPIN: Cubs in four. If the Cubs make it to the NLCS, you know Bartman's coming back. He has to, right?

Thoughts?

Jim McLennan grew up in Britain, so he never saw live baseball for the first three decades of his life. He's making up for it now, and rants, on a daily basis, about the Arizona Diamondbacks over at AZ Snake Pit. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

I was trying to think of a witty metaphor for the D-backs presence in the postseason. Ugly kid at the prom? Democrat at a Rush Limbaugh convention? But I think the closest would probably be the independent film that gets nominated as Best Picture: no stars, no budget and nobody's quite sure how it managed to get there. For this team has the lowest payroll in the division, is tied for last in NL batting average at the time of writing, has nobody who will hit .300 and only Brandon Webb will win 15 games. Hell, they've conceded more runs than they've scored. By just about any sabermetric measure, the team sucks. But they still have the best record in the National League. That sound you hear is stats geeks impaling themselves on their copies of the Bill James Handbook.

How are they managing it? I if knew that, I'd be a GM. But a few things stand out. Firstly, a lights-out bullpen, which means the team hangs onto a lead like a Michael Vick pit bull: we're 60-10 when leading after five innings. At any point thereafter, manager Bob Melvin can hand things over to the Four Relievers of the Apocalypse (Jose Valverde, Brandon Lyon, Juan Cruz and Tony Pena), who have pitched 275 innings - basically a starter and a half - with a combined ERA below three. Add the most-productive pinch-hitters in the majors, so they can usually score runs when needed, and that's likely why they have a 32-19 record in one-run games, which largely explains why they're where they are.

This team could certainly reach the World Series, having won the regular season series against the Padres, Cubs and Phillies, with an overall record of 19-11 against them. On their day, this team can beat anyone in the National League. Hell, Micah Owings can do it all by himself, becoming the first pitcher in at least 50 years to have multiple four-hit games in one season. Is he a pitcher who hits, or a hitter who pitches? And much like him, when the D-backs are firing, they can hurt you a lot of ways. Center fielder Chris Young fell a couple of bases short of becoming the first rookie with a 30 HR, 30 SB season; Eric Byrnes discovered his wheels, doubling his stolen-base total of 2006, already a career-high. Nine different players hit ten or more homers. The Diamondbacks are an unstoppable force.

On the other hand, they could, equally well, get swept in the NLDS. Byrnes pops up an awful lot for someone who signed a midseason $30m contract. Stephen Drew leaves Arizona fans longing for the hitting stroke of ... er, Craig Counsell. Carlos Quentin flopped so badly, he was tossed back to Tucson. Much as we love Augie 'The Littlest Ballplayer' Ojeda, he is not Orlando Hudson, lost with a busted thumb for the season. And opponents are batting .363 off Livan Hernandez this month. The Diamondbacks do not have a chance in hell.

But, this year, Arizona fans have mastered the art of doublethink, and the above paragraphs, if a bundle of contradictions, are an entirely accurate (if not, perhaps, particularly helpful) assessment of Arizona's postseason potential. Nothing would surprise me any longer about this team: they have already surpassed expectations simply by getting here, and whatever happens, they've given the state its most unforgettable ride since the World Series win over the Yankees.

Who knows where it'll stop? Back in the preseason, when Will asked me for a preview, I wrote, "You can still get the Diamondbacks at odds of 66-1 to win the 2007 World Series. Frankly, that's a gift, and readers might consider contacting their overseas relatives in regard to this matter, before the sports books catch on." I hope you took that advice: I'll be in contact for my 5 percent shortly.

The great Baseball Prospectus Postseason Odds report gives the following percentage chances on surviving the weekend:

• Chicago Cubs: 92.9 percent.
• Arizona Diamondbacks: 82.9 percent.
• San Diego Padres: 65.6 percent.
• Philadelphia Phillies: 59. 1 percent.
• New York Mets: 58.5 percent.
• Colorado Rockies: 34.0 percent.
• Milwaukee Brewers: 7.1 percent.

The series to watch are Washington at Philadelphia, Florida at NY Mets, Chicago Cubs at Cincinnati, San Diego at Milwaukee and Arizona at Colorado. Playoffs? Who needs playoffs?

• 1. When a guy is sitting next to a woman who he is not dating and refuses to kiss her as the crowd boos.
• 2. Two old people, with their faces lighting up once they realize they're on the big screen.
• 3. Two guys. This is always good for a cheap pop from the crowd.

Here's another concept, from the Diamondbacks: The Bartman Kiss Cam. Staged, obviously, but still: Always a nice acknowledgment of history.

If the Cubs make it to the playoffs, Bartman's gonna have to be back pretty soon, right? Doesn't he have to make an appearance?

They Found Steve Bartman [Home Run Derby]

After the current four-game series at Petco, the teams move to Phoenix for three beginning next Monday. Milton Bradley also homered for San Diego, and to a lot of Padres fans he's been the difference lately. San Diego can come off as a pretty laid-back group of players emotionally; and Bradley is a jalapeno in that recipe. Peavy improved to 15-5 and became the Padres' all-time strikeouts leader. San Diego has a three-game lead in the wild-card race over Philadelphia, which beat the New York Mets 9-2 behind the return of Chase Utley (three hits, including a homer).

• Seller's Remorse? The Padres may be having second thoughts about dumping David Wells, who was signed by the Dodgers and pitched well for them in his debut. From Glaslamp Ball: "Would we have been better off insulting David Wells over and over again before each start? It seems to me that when he's offended, back to the wall, he steps up. I blame Bud Black for not calling him out for being fat and useless before gametime."

• Yankees Make History. You'd have to go to 1907 to find worse road loss for the Yankees, who were paddled 16-0 by the Tigers on Monday. Justin Verlander (14-5) earned the win, striking out six over seven innings. Detroit had 20 hits, roughing up Mike Mussina, who gave up six runs on nine hits in only three innings. Placido Polanco was 3-for-5 including a home run. Among players on that '07 Yankees (Highlanders, actually) squad, by the way, were Wid Conroy, Baldy Louden and a young center fielder named Branch Rickey.

• First Alberto Gonzales, Now This. Wasn't it just two years ago that the Astros were in the World Series? Anyone? Anyone? Manager Phil Garner and general manager Tim Purpura got them there, and now they're out; fired by owner Drayton McLane, who said the team "needed a fresh start" after a becoming one with the bottom of the NL Central (58-73, nine games behind the first-place Cubs). Astros bench coach Cecil Cooper was appointed interim manager, and team president Tal Smith will serve as interim general manager.

• Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero. Poor Mariners. they always seem to get John Lackey. The Angels beat Seattle 6-0, Lackey throwing the seven-hit shutout despite a case of strep throat.

But if Baseball Prospectus has taught us anything, it's that the anecdotal is bullocks; it's time to go to the numbers. Vegas Watch breaks down the odds of it happening, and Johnny Number Five computes that Webb has a 1 in 57 chance of breaking Orel's record. Of course, BP says the Cubs are the favorites in the NL Central, and hey, that'll be the day!

(Sorry.)

What Are The Odds: Brandon Webb [Vegas Watch]

It's difficult to remember now, but Kim was once one of the top prospects in baseball. And then came that 2001 World Series — you remember that one; the one that completely cured New Yorkers of all their post-September 11 depression — and, well, Kim was never the same after that. It's fitting that his career very well might end in Arizona; we're kind of amazed they ever took him back in the first place.

What's the lasting image of Kim, other than the 2001 World Series homers? We'd have to say it was when he flipped off the Fenway Park fans in the 2003 ALDS, ensuring his being left off the playoff roster for the ALCS. (Otherwise, it might have been him who gave up Aaron Boone's homer.) Yet this guy got a World Series ring in 2004. See ya, Kim.

It's Been A Tough Year For Byung-Hyun Kim [The Angry T]

• The Padres Will Beat Your Ass. The Padres beat the Dodgers and no one get their ass kicked ... I only mention this because the Padres yesterday traded to bring Milton Bradley to a team that also recently acquired Michael Barrett. So this might not happen too often. Trevor Hoffman picked up the save after the Padres let the Dodgers cut a 7-2 lead down to 7-6 in the ninth.

• Troy Percival Is The Natural. Troy Percival, who hadn't thrown a major league pitch in two years, threw a scoreless seventh inning for the Cards yesterday against the Reds, and ended up getting the win in a 4-2 decision. Manager Tony LaRussa is more excited about it than I am. "It's a dream come true. He gets three outs and gets the winning decision. That's movie material," he said. Tony LaRussa must watch some really boring movies.

• Fat Guys Can Hit For Cycles, Too. Aubrey Huff's words, not mine. "As a 235-pound fat guy, you get a triple out of the way, that's something. After I got the double, it kind of snuck in my mind." The triple was his 1,000th hit, and the double was his 200th double. It's all very symmetrical and tidy. Except the O's lost 9-7 when Howie Kendrick put the Angels ahead with a home run in the 9th.